Resident Evil 2: The Ass Continues

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004): Breakdown by Rantbo

Skinny Chick returns to kung fu the cast of Michael Jackson’s Thriller, wire-fight a giant mutated retard and run down the side of a building for some dumbass reason.

[THE EXECUTION]

This film picks up directly after the events in part one. Which I happen to like (where the sequel picks up, not the first movie), even when I know the sequel is going to be just as shitty as the original. I guess you could compare my ‘condition’ to the people who don’t give a shit about football, but still watch the super bowl because of the commercials. We are a sick, sick group of individuals that need help. But I know that there has to be at least a couple other people out there that would still watch a SUPER MARIO BROS. sequel if it picked up right when Princess Daisy busts into the Mario brother’s apartment all grungy and asking for help. Curiosity took the cat’s $9.50, but the ability to accurately complain, brought it back.

Much like in the game, the city near the mansion from part one has become infected with zombieitus and all Hell has broken loose. But, outside of a couple familiar character names and outfits, that’s where the comparisons to the videogames end.

However, the movie sequel does stay true to it’s movie predecessor and even outdoes it as there are even more cut-away deaths, shaky-cam quick-cuts, shitty acting and unintelligible action sequences. Way to one up the original, guys.

While I believe that APOCALYPSE is indeed a worse movie than part one, there are actually more likable features this time around. For instance, the bad-ass male character makes it the entire duration. There are actually characters and situations from the games integrated (albeit poorly) into the plot. And in place of the lesbian ‘Rain’ character we get a hot brunette in a mini-skirt for a sidekick, thus balancing out the lack of original hotness killed by Milla’s stupid clothes and now third-world bodyframe.

Resident Evil 2 03

“I told you. Shoot the head.”

It’s just unfortunate that Valentine happens to be in RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPSE, as her character drowns within the shitty story, terrible dialogue and laughably bad action sequences. But, I’d still pay to see a movie featuring her as the main character.  That is, so long as Paul W.S.A. was barred from the creative team and it was made more like the games and not a shitty ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK rip-off. Which, by the way, is really uninspired. At least when Neil Marshal made DOOMSDAY, he hired a chick with a nice rack and a sexy accent to play the role of Snake and not his anorexic girlfriend. So, on the bright side, at least someone learned from Anderson’s mistakes.

Here’s some more stuff I hated. The Fights. All the fights are ass. All you get are a bunch or rapid fire shots of Milla Jovovich swinging her skinny arms around with the sound of a bamboo stick hitting a stack of newspapers overlaid. The worst of which is a non sequitur graveyard fight where, for some reason, they decided to ruin the virus continuity by having it effect already buried bodies, just so they could show the girls leg sweeping and donkey kicking decomposed corpses.  It’s fucking dumb.

Surprisingly though, most of the film’s fight scenes and non-CG body count involve the main bad guy’s un-undead minions (that means they’re alive). Which are a fleet of poorly trained automatons with uzis and nightsticks that all wear motorcycle helmets with the visors down, even though it’s pitch black out and they don’t have any bikes.

Which brings me to the bad guy. I call him that Blonde Corporate Douche from Resident Evil 2. It’s the only way I can think to describe him, as his bland look and recycled villainy are that of a hundred lackluster movies. BCD does have one kinda funny trait though, he is completely obsessed with watching Alice fight a mongoloid in a bad rubber suit. Now I’m not saying that I wouldn’t find this entertaining, but if the battleground was scheduled to be blown up by a nuke in less than an hour, I think I could deal with the disappointment of not realizing the dream. But, this guy has a real hard-on for this match.

The fight itself is fucking terrible, and I could keep going on about the sheer shittyness of RE:A, but it would be beating a re-dead un-dead horse. The point is, this movie sucks, but if you saw the first one, you knew this already.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Milla Jovovich is Alice 2.0. Now With Super Powers!

I will give the film a little credit for actually making it’s main character capable of kicking ass, via bio-enhancements. But my issue resides in the believability of it all. Like I said in my breakdown of part one, I enjoyed the games, so I’m ready, able and willing to suspend disbelief for some goofy shit, but I just can’t accept Milla Jovovich as a badass. Even when she does a bunch of bad-ass things:

-Breaks into a gun store and steals shit
-Breaks into a Harley shop and steals shit (footage missing, but it clearly happened)
-Uses the stolen shit to fuck up a church.
-Shoots a bunch of guns, accurately and with conviction
-Resets a broken finger without screaming like Nancy Kerrigan
-Has a 30 ft vertical
-Kills at least 2 dogs with a cigarette
-Beats up an 8 foot tard with a bitch stick

All of these things scream BAD ASS MUTHA FUCKER! But I don’t believe for a second that Skinny McNeedsasammich is capable of any of it. I’m amazed that she has the energy to walk without assistance, let alone become the hero of a franchise of sci-fi action-horror movies. Maybe if the role of Alice was played by Dina Meyer. Then I wouldn’t have questioned it, but as is, you’d need to crush Alice into dust and slip her in my drink for me to swallow it.

Sienna Guillory is Jill Valentine is My Dream Girl

Her character is introduced by walking past a collage of newspaper clippings displaying her failure as a respectable officer of the law. And she’s at her home. So I already like her. Any person that is not only  unashamed of being an asshole, but displays it honorably, is my kind of action hero. Upon hearing that the city is in turmoil via her police radio (I guess she must have missed the chaos in the streets on the drive home), Valentine equips her army boots and gun (which I can only assume is a personal back up, as she is on suspension) and rushes down to the precinct. [Whip-Pan] She’s there and shooting 5 or so unruly prisoners in the face.

There are two possibilities as to how this act came about. 1. On the ride to the precinct, she came to the conclusion that the infected people were, in fact, already dead and simply reanimated flesh-craving meat-bags that must be killed to preserve the lives of the healthy, or 2. She was frustrated with liberal justice bullshit and decided to Dirty Harry the situation by cappin’ some crazy assholes and to Hell with any potential consequences. What are they gonna do, suspend her twice? Yeah, right. Either way, she’s my favorite character from the movies.

[THE BODY COUNT: A SHIT-TON ASS-LOAD]

Fuck counting. The whole city of Toronto gets nuked. They call it Raccoon City, but that’s Toronto. Wikipedia says they have a population of 2.5 million, so there you go. The fucked up thing about this is that (as my amigo Kain pointed out) the game states that Raccoon City was a small mid-western town. 2.5 mill is not small, but fuck trying to call this movie on canon mistakes.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

The deaths seem to have gotten even more pathetic this go-around, but if I have to pick one, I’ll go with the Reporter Chick.

While searching a school for some little girl, Connie Chung gets trapped in a room full of children. If that wasn’t horrifying enough, they appear to be malnourished and in need of naps. The creepy little bastards attack the newswoman and proceed to feast on her insides like hungry children. At least I assume that’s what happens, ‘cuz they pan away from the gore.

[CHICKSWEAT AND FEMCHISMO]

The guys take backseat again, but at least this time we get a big breasted British chick who can’t act instead of a pissed off Mexican one that can’t. Alice teams up with Jill and together they form the duet of PG quality destruction!

Alice is still riding that fence to the finish line. Instead of having flashback fantasies of Rain, it is now of Matt, the other survivor from part one that no one cares about. He is, however, apparently the giant ugly fuck that chases her around in this one, so kudos for remembering him film-team. Anyways, combating her hetero flashbacks are the cold hard facts that she dresses like a biker-dike and fights with her fists closed. This one is a hard nut to crack. Thankfully, there is a part 3, so maybe the answer lies within that gem.

Then of course, there is Sienna, Ah….

As I mentioned above,  Jill joins the film by entering her apartment and we are left to assume, due to her attire, that she is getting back from a sexy night of clubbing (fucking) with other women. I feel I can safely jump to this conclusion, as Valentine is A. a female cop. B. acts like an alpha male. C. smokes with matches. D. cusses. E. knows what nuclear bomb yields are. F. has short hair. G. wears combat boots and H. owns a personal hand-cannon. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a lesbian. I will, however, admit that in my fantasies, she’s bi and together with Dina Meyer, we have a fuck-a-thon.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

More unnecessarily awkward nudity from Jovovich.

Her chest is like someone stretched a thin white cloth over the metal rings of a spiral notebook and glued pacifier nipples to it. It’s fucked up. And then there are topless zombie strippers. Need I say more?

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

It’s a sad state of affairs when Mike Epps is the best part of your movie. Really sad. But, thems the facts. Epps manages to not only score my favorite moment in the film, but also the one-liner (which happens to come first).

Driving down the street, Epps sees a zombie and floors the accelerator, slamming the car into the unfortunate dead-man.

“GTA, MUTHA FUCKA! Oh, yeah! 10 points!”

And then he crashes his car whilst looking at the aforementioned zombie titties. It’s so fucking cheesy and stupid, how could this not be the best part of the movie?

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Sienna Guillory should make mini-skirt cameos in every shitty movie, if for nothing else than to make my hobby of reviewing them just a little more enjoyable.

[THE CHECKLIST: 17 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse*
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[Resident Evil: Extinction]
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

*Better, there’s one in a church. And the church loses.

Resident Evil 2 02

My Bloody Valentine

Resident Evil: Survive The Ass

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Resident Evil (2002): Breakdown by Rantbo

Skinny Chick kicks a dog, shoots zombies and wears a dress. One of these she does well. You get three guesses as to which it is.

[THE EXECUTION]

I wouldn’t say I’m a BIG fan of the Resident Evil video game series, but I’ve played the main ones and I liked them all. I’ve just never been very good at the survival horror genre, so I usually prefer to watch a more skilled friend play, as I am mostly interested in just finding out what happens anyways. My point being, it was the characters, situations and story I was interested in, not the gameplay, which I found unnecessarily difficult and annoying. For instance, why wouldn’t they just let you kick the damn zombies out of the way? I’m a sluggish load and I could have survived in that mansion, just by kicking the zombies and using the ammunition to blow open all those fucking locked doors. I digress.

So, I was quite excited when I found out that the games were being adapted into a film. I figured, all the story and zombie killing [-] the repetitive item hunting [=] good times. But I forgot I’m bad at math.

I viewed the film, as I believe it was originally intended, as a prequel to the events of the first game. So while I was initially upset over the lack of familiar characters and mansion setting of the original story, it didn’t bug me so much with what they did. At least not in the first movie.

The story is simple and easy to follow, even for non-fans. Large commercial corporation secretly engineers bio-chemical weapons and experiments for shady government organizations. An outbreak within one of their secret underground facilities triggers the death of all those working inside. A team of corporate commandos is sent in to find out what happened. Much to their surprise, all the workers have turned into flesh craving zombies. Yay!

When I think Resident Evil, I think three things: puzzles, zombies and killing zombies to solve puzzles. Even though the brand of puzzles made famous in the games is highly un-cinematic, they did manage to work in the frantic gofer aspect without making the journey tedious. As for the zombies, the action is shot frantically and with far too much shaky cam. Just like most every other modern undead flick made recently. (DAWN OF THE DEAD remake excluded). So that’s a bummer. But at least there are a bunch of them and they stay true to the slow-walking, shit-for-brains, hard-to-kill flesh-eaters from the games. The score is fucking fantastic and co-provided by Marilyn Manson around the height of his fame. In interviews he claimed to actually enjoy composing more than his previous work and it shows in the final product. The score is catchy, creepy, atmospheric and arguably the best part of the film.

The problems begin with the fact that there is no Chris Redfield-like character. Milla’s Alice is OK, but they kill off the most badass guy a half hour in and he doesn’t even get to do down fighting, as the zombies don’t show up for another 10 minutes after his death. Which is another gripe. Forty minutes is WAY too long to have to wait for zombies to show up in a movie carrying the Resident Evil name.

The effects are heavily dated already and it proves that CG is a poor, poor, substitute for practical effects. The acting is shit, the gore is weak and even the story is paper-thin compared to the 12 year old video game it’s based on. And I initially liked this movie. I was either just stupid, in a really forgiving mood, or both. But, in any case, it’s not very good.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Milla Jovovich is Alice

She literally does NOTHING for the first 48 minutes. During the opening credits she loses her memory due to some kind of nerve gas or some such convenient bullshit, so she doesn’t start to realize her ass-kicking skills until she’s alone and forced to use them via muscle memory. After that she does wage a war on killer canines (all off-screen), quick-cut kung-fus some zombies and shoots a slow-motion cg bullet into a mutated licker that looks like an even worse version of the end creature from ALIEN RESURRECTION. All-in-all, she’s weaker than Paul W.S. Anderson’s film making skills. Well, almost.

[THE BODY COUNT: 508 AND A LICKER]

Hard to say exactly as almost everyone that dies comes back as a zombie, and those fuckers keep coming back. A ton of them get shot, but only a handful stay down. So, rather than count the zombies that actually remain dead, I’ll just go with counting their initial death. During the exposition dialogue, the head S.W.A.T. guy says that the facility had 500 staff members. So, there you go. The rest of the kills are attributed to those who ventured in after the biohazard. Four of them die within about 30 seconds of one-another by a laser grid, which gyps us of seeing them battle the undead. One is eaten (largely off screen), one get’s axed (off screen), one is grabbed and presumably killed (off screen) and one turns into a zombie and is shot.

[MOST SATISFYING RE-DEATH]

Most of the deaths are fucking cut-aways. Which is a technique that has been annoyingly popular these last 10 years. The shitty thing is, that this was shot with an R rating in mind. Why they didn’t bother going the whole nine with their conviction, I’ll never understand. But, there is one kinda funny/cool novelty death that I dug.

Trapped in a hallway with no place to go but up, that’s what Alice does. And she wraps her delicious stems around a lucky zombie’s head and snaps the fucker’s neck with the power of her creamy white thighs. What a way to go–again.

[CHICKSWEAT AND FEMCHISMO]

The film centers on two female characters, Alice and Rain. Rain is played by Michelle Rodriquez and as such, is clearly a dyke. And I think Alice is on the fence. She is shown in the backstory as having a relationship with a man, but it was only a cover set up by the corporation. Alice only knows Rain for a couple hours, but is visibly heartbroken when she is being taken by the virus. I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to think that if these two had escaped the facility together and in good health, they’d be living with each other on the west coast right now.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Milla exploits herself, if that counts. I dunno? But several times in the movie, we are given unnecessary shots of her nips and twat that just seemed odd and ill placed. But I’m sure it was her idea. She’s a weird one.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

The scene introducing Alice in the shower was sweet, but it was pretty much downhill from there. Which sucks, ‘cuz it happens in like the first 10 minutes.

The one-liner is actually pretty good:

“I’m missing you already.”

Alice says the line to the Human villain before (I assume) chopping off his head with an ax. I say assume, because they don’t show it happen, severely fucking up the potential badassitude of the scene.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

I forget. I’m pretty sure it had to do with Michelle Rodriguez being a shitty one-trick character actor, but I’m just not sure. Must be the nerve gas released by opening the DVD. Oh, and if you want to bag Milla Jovovich, direct her in a movie. Works every time.

[THE CHECKLIST: 12 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[  ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[X] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel*
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[  ] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[  ] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse**
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[Resident Evil: Apocalypse]
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

*The non-Alice survivor, Matt is strapped into a stretcher and taken away by what appear to be bio-chemist doctors, so I’ll allow it.

**Well, they use anti-virus injections to cure their T-Virus infections. That’s close enough to drugs for me.

I Feel A Need. A Need To Feed!

Rambo, First Blood: Episode IV – Rambo Lives For Something… Killing

The Truth About Rambo

RAMBO’S BACK… THIS TIME IT’S CLOTHED

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Rambo (2008): Breakdown by Rantbo

Rambo comes out of retirement to kill again, so that white christian women can continue to be foolhardy troublesome nitwits, without fear of being raped by brown people.

[THE EXECUTION]

Ah, FIRST BLOOD PART 4. Easily one of the best action films in the past 20 years. It’s also the first Rambo movie I was old enough to go see in the theater. It was a great experience. This is the first time since January of ‘08 that I’ve watched the entire film and to little surprise, I’m still blown away by it’s badassitude.

There’s no helicopter, Trautman, bare-chestedness or Frank Stallone, but RAMBO makes up for all this by being one of the most overtly violent movies ever made.

It seems Rambo has been spending the last couple decades sulking in a shithole Thailand river village, catching snakes and avoiding malaria. He’s on the verge of becoming a total washout. Thankfully though, a naïve blonde with a carebear heart gives him a necklace and looks at him as though he wasn’t a gorilla, giving Rambo the urge to better himself through a macabre massacre. It’s really quite romantic, when you think about it. And in the end, all it takes is the death of a few hundred people to make Rambo feel like an American again and come home to Arizona. We’re glad to have you back, buddy. Now, maybe you can help us with this pesky illegal alien problem…

As far as the politics, this time Rambo invades Burma, but only because Vietnam is still depleted of capable soldiers to be cannon fodder from the last time he was there. It also makes the point that christains and peace core hippies alike are all nonsensical babble with no bawls. They teach the word of the bible, but when god ignores their prayers, it’s stone-cold agnostic muscle that saves the day. And for all the faith the head crispy talks about having, he sure looked mighty scared when staring down the barrel of a gun. And it took little more than watching his buddy be crucified and fed to pigs* for him to compromise his precious virtues and kill or be killed. It makes a freethinking atheist like myself, for once, feel completely at home with a rightwing 80s style action film.

To me, this is easily THE most satisfying action flick since Reagan was in office and if you’re a fan of badass cinema, or even a man in general, you owe it to yourself to watch this movie.

*Even the Romans didn’t have the gall to feed Jesus to pigs after nailing his ass to the cross. These Burmese soldiers are a savage bunch.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

John Rambo

Sylvester Stallone is Still, John J. Rambo

With the death of Richard Crenna (RIP), there is no Col. Trautman, and subsequently no gratifying dialogue this time ‘round, so I am forced to do this section all by myself.

Even though Rambo has been in Thailand these last 20 years, he has kept in shape. And by that I mean, he’s been downing HGH in shot glasses. Fuck-almighty, he’s HUGE! This has to be the bulkiest Stallone has ever been. Has to be. The guys tits are bigger than Pam Andersons’. And with the side-effect of ‘roid shrunken huevos, Rambo has little else to do than keep busy with manly hobbies, such as: capturing cobra snakes with sticks, pounding on metal with a hammer and hunting fish. Note: I said ’hunting fish’ not fishing, because fishing involves poles, nets and traps and Rambo uses none of these things. Rambo uses a fucking bow and arrow. Fishing with Granddad will never be the same again.

On top of being a more macho version of Jeremiah Johnson in Asia, Rambo also manages to eventually rack up the highest body count of the entire series. Not only for himself, but for the film as a whole. And RAMBO has the shortest running time of all four. Talk about bang for your buck.

[THE BODY COUNT: APPROX. 226 PEOPLE, 3 DOGS AND 1 FISH]

Holy Fuck. Rambo himself makes up for his lack of gay by killing a whopping 81 Asians, 2 dogs and a fish. It’s an orgy of blood. Body parts rain from the sky and thick ropes of blood and gore fly through the air like Spider-Man’s webbing. It’s glorious. And that’s just Rambo. Team Mercenary and Team The Rebels rack up an estimated additional 43 filthy Burmese scum, and even the non-violence-preaching christian doctor smashes a guy’s head in with a rock. Goooooo TEAM!

Rambo Attempts Stealth

Not to be outdone (and they aren’t) is Team Genocide. The evil Burmese soldiers slaughter an estimated 101 men, women and children. Most of whom are defenseless, crippled and innocent of any crime against the army. “They even killed the dogs”*. Fucking Hell.

For shits and giggles I added up all of Rambo’s confirmed kills for the first four films:
1 Chicken, 1 Fish, 1 Warthog, 5 Dogs and 288 Men. I’m not sure, but I think that’s more lives taken than by syphilis.

*1 confirmed.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

While the disembowelment of General Rapeskids is highly satisfying, it comes after one of the most gory sequences ever shot, thus leaving me desensitized a bit. I must have already cum a dozen times or so before his death, needless to say, I was pretty wargasmed out. So, I’ll be going with Rambo tearing the would-be white woman rapist’s throat out with his bare hand.

Pain In The Neck

Rambo sneaks up on the poor bastard right as he is whipping out his 2 inches of hard dick to show Julie Benz. Thankfully, Rambo saves her virgin eyes the terror, just in time. Rambo eagle claws the little bastard’s neck, Dalton-Style and lets his fingers, ever-so-painfully sink-in, crushing the guy’s larynx, before ripping out the whole front of his neck. It’s fucking awesome.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Unfortunately, Rambo discredits many of his formerly gay ways. Like a fat kid at the pool, Rambo refuses to remove his shirt, even once. He has also clearly stopped seeing his hairstylist. And the only time he touches other men is to end them in an incredibly grisly manner or to threaten them that he will, if they give him any shit.  All these years of not killing have turned my lord and savior homosexually celibate. It’s a god damn tragedy of no-war.

All hope is not lost though as, in a way, you could say that everything Rambo does in this picture is to keep Julie Benz from being raped (having sex). Hey, if aging white American beefcakes can’t(won’t) have sex with American women, NO ONE CAN! BAM BAM BAM BABABABABABA BAM BAM BAM!!!

Like I mentioned above, I believe Rambo’s return to death and carnage is a metaphorical release of his pent-up homoerotic urges. Yes sir, every bullet Rambo sends shredding through another man, is one load of abstinent man-chowder that has been wasting away within his wrinkled war-torn ball sack these past twenty years.

Also,  his knife has grown another 2 or so feet. The only word that comes to mind when thinking of him using it on another man: Wreckage.

I should also mention that Stallone made the villain of the picture a homosexual pedophile rapist.

General Pederast

As if participating in genocide wasn’t enough.  But when it comes to raping kids, the question as to what sex they are, kinda becomes irrelevant. I don’t think the first word of slander against such a man would be “Faggot!”.

The kid does walk away from the off-screen ordeal, with nary-a-limp, but when you’re bleeding from the ass, I have to assume that any other pains become secondary thought registries. But don’t worry too much, my potentially queasy readers, Rambo shows this scum what it’s like to have ones’ belly penetrated by another man. Needless to say, I don’t think General Pederast will be diddling anymore village boys in the future.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

More than all previous films combined. Though, it’s not nearly as fun to talk about. Most of the content is rape and humiliation at the hands of a filth-covered army of 4 foot hellions. Village girls are kidnapped, tortured, kept in cages and raped by dozens of soldiers. It’s not pretty, and I don’t really feel like trying to think up jokes about it. The fact that this shit is actually going on as I type this, kinda kills my funny bone.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Doesn’t get much more epic than the last twenty minutes. I’m not going to spoil it, you just need to watch.

Need A Light?

As Rambo only has about 5 or so lines in the movie, I am quite grateful that one of them happens to be the following…

“You know where you are? (in the jungle, baby!?) What you’re made of. War is in your blood–don’t fight it. You didn’t kill for your country–you killed for yourself. The gods are never going to make that go away. When you’re pushed–killin’s as easy as breathing.”

Rambo says this shit in self-monologue, to amp himself up for all the killing that needs to be done. And he says it while he’s forging himself a giant machete. It doesn’t get better than this, folks.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Even the most vehemently pacifist christian will kill, if it means his ass. And Julie Benz–WHAY hotter as a brunette.

A Message Film

[THE STALLOWNAGE OF SLY: 4 outta 5]

[  ] Frank Stallone/Frank Stallone-esque Inspirational Music
[X] Incapacitates or Kills Someone With His Body
[X] Shows Off Buffness
[X] Social Outcast [Underdog, Has Been, etc]
[X] Sweaty, Veiny Yelling

[THE CHECKLIST: 14 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[  ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage*
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)**
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

*This time it’s in the form of a nightmare flashback sequence, featuring the scrapped original ending to FIRST BLOOD where Rambo dies.
**No, but there is an entire group of dumb-ass christians that think they are above Rambo’s status. But they learn, oh how they learn.

Ramblosion!

“Fuck The World”

Ghostbusters II: The Secret Of The Ooze

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Ghostbusters II (1989): Breakdown by Kain424

Same story, different villain.

[THE EXECUTION]

Ghostbusters II is usually considered to be the lesser of two fun films, and I am in agreement.  It’s not a bad follow-up, but it does suffer from sequelitis.  The story is essentially a retread, and much of the film refuses to give the audience what they want: The Ghostbusters.  Until the end of the film, there are almost no moments where all four of the guys are in the same scene together.  This is a real shame, as it is obvious when the group is together that the magic is still there.  I just wish there were more moments like that.

There is clearly more of a budget here, with everything looking more crisp and there being far more effects shots.  And looking at the car now, as compared to earlier, we can see what is perhaps the best metaphor for the film:

There is a lot attached.  Ghostbusters II does allow for a lot of fan service, throwing in Slimer the ghost, Sigourney Weaver the love interest, and even the mayor from the first film.  It’s not necessary, but I’m glad they’re all there.  The fact that they managed to get all the main cast back is awesome.  William Atherton isn’t in here, but fellow Die Hard alumni Mary Trainor is, so that’s just as good.  Also, we get one of the terrorists from Die Hard, Wilhelm Von Homberg, as this film’s main villain.

The tone of the film, however, causes the film to sag a bit. They’ve decided to make the movie more family friendly, so there is no smoking, the language is toned down, and children are all over this film.  This is a shame, because one of the things that worked so well with the first film was that it had layered jokes, for adults and children.  It worked for both.  While this one does feature a few adult moments, it is clearly more family-centric.  Still, there are a lot of scary themes and moments to help keep the film going, and the cast has enough chemistry that you almost forget.

I do, however, find the villain fairly weak, and the fact that they play him off as a joke for much of the film doesn’t help.  Gozer was built up over time and scary, but Vigo ends up the butt of so many gags the final confrontation just sort of leaves you shrugging.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

ghostbustersII

Harold Ramis is Dr. Egon Spengler, Bill Murray is Dr. Peter Venkman, Dan Aykroyd is Dr. Raymond Stantz and Ernie Hudson is Winston Zeddmore

They’re still the Ghostbusters, so that’s pretty bad-ass.  Like I said though, the main problem is they just don’t share enough time together.  There are sometimes only two or three of them, but rarely all four.  Why is Winston not present at the construction worker scene?  Where the hell did he go during the court room scene?

[THE BODY COUNT: ZERO]

Once again, the film is scant with deaths.  You might be able to argue that Vigo’s weird ghost-head exploded and thus, he died, but I would counter that he was already dead and it was his ghostly spirit just trying to come back.  It was the gateway that was destroyed, not him.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

“It’s the Scolari brothers!”

As the film begins, we find out the Ghostbusters were sued after the events of the last movie, the mayor ditched out on paying them, and they’ve resorted, each one, to some lower form of income.  For almost thirty minutes, we watch as one bad thing after another happens to them, with the team finally ending up in court.  The judge hands down a heavy sentence, but then two ten-foot high, full-torso apparitions appear and attack the court room.  Only the three Ghostbusters in the room can deal with them and they do just that, ringing them in with their awesome proton packs, and trapping them.

“Two in the box!”

“Ready to go!”

“We be fast and they be slow!”

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

The team is still the team, with Egon still being an Egon, but there’s not much gay.  There might be something with Ray and Winston, as they seem to hang out a lot, but it’s just not all that close to what we can definitely call man-love.  Even the fruitiest of the film’s characters, Janosz, has the hots for Sigourney Weaver’s Dana.

There is, however, a touching scene at the end of the film where Ray tells Janosz that he loves him, and they both embrace, all the while covered head to toe in a slimy, pink ooze.  Eww.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Not a lot here.  Dana is shown as an independent, single mother and Jeanine is almost predatory in her advances on Rick Moranis’s Lewis Tully.  Sigourney looks great, but I’m gonna have to say it’s not very misogynistic.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

In the court room scene, the prosecutor has Bill Murray on the stand.  She asks him, “So, you’re saying that the supernatural is your exclusive province?”

Peter responds, with epic coolness, “Kitten, I think what I’m saying, is that sometimes, shit happens, someone has to deal with it, and who ya gonna call”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

It’s gonna take the end of the world for New Yorkers to finally get along.

[THE CHECKLIST: 14 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[X] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[  ] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[  ] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[  ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[X] Tis The Season [Christmas]
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[GHOSTBUSTERS: THE VIDEOGAME]
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Peter Is Pointing At Egon’s Epididymis

Live Free or Under Siege

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995): Breakdown by Rantbo

Die Hard on a train. Casey Ryback returns to kill terrorists on a cross-country family trip.

[THE EXECUTION]

Seagal uses his nurturing skills learned by babysitting Miss July ‘89 to take his recently orphaned niece on a train ride through the mid-northwest. He’s doing this because brother has recently died in a plane crash, that oddly enough, wasn’t caused by a terrorist attack–so far as we know. But just when you think that this movie will bore you to death with uninteresting non-neck-snapping family bullshit, the action kicks in. And it doesn’t stop.

Of all the Die Hard knock-offs, this is near the top of the list of well-done ones. In fact, when compared to an actual Die Hard movie, LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD, it’s much better. And it’s practically the same story:

Technologically inclined computer whiz designs high-tech equipment for shady government organization, gets shit-canned and then uses his talents to make a shit load of money under guise of terrorizing the stooges that let him go. Sound a little like Olyphantastic and Die Hard 4? How sad is it that FOX had to rip-off a 12 year old movie that was a rip-off of one of their own? From the same series, no less!

However, the way the plot carried out in UNDER SIEGE 2 is quite different from LFODH, in that it’s done really well. It’s a hard R, older school (I say older, because there was still WAY too much 90s CG shit going on) action flick, with tons of gory kills and a villain with Hans Gruber like charisma.

Eric Bogosian is Travis Dane.

Check out the monologue he gives right after commandeering the train:

Dane: “Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your captor speaking. There’s been a slight change in your travel plans tonight. You have, you will note, been moved to the last two cars of the train for your own well being. First, I’d like to call your attention to the highly trained men, with the automatic weapons in your cars. In the event of an emergency, they may be called upon to shoot you. Your safety is our primary concern. However, if you try anything stupid, federal regulations require that I kill you. So, please, no hero shit.”

Thankfully, Seagal does not comply.

The movie is not perfect, though. As I mentioned above, the mid-90s CG craze, combined with too much green screen, took away from some of the more practical bare-knuckled grit of earlier Seagal vehicles. I for one would much rather watch Seagal pound on a guy than his stunt-double jumping in front of non-existent explosions. But this film still has plenty of the former.

But I can’t forgive them for Ryback’s new sidekick, Boddy Zachs. Think Argyle, but only much more cocky and working side-by-side the McClane. Groan. But, in the end, this is still a very solid action flick and I sincerely hope that one of these days the right amount of money will exchange hands and allow for us to see Ryback back in action for UNDER SIEGE III: THE COOK OFF. And with Ryback being a chef, they’d have the perfect excuse as to why Seagal has gotten so fat! This so needs to happen.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Steven Seagal is Casey Fucking Ryback

“You know what this is? This is a Navy Cross. It’s awarded for bravery… My Uncle Casey’s got two of them! And he’s got medals at home that are so secret he can never show them to anybody… I guess he’s a hero.”

“Casey–fucking–Ryback!?”
“Jesus Christ.”
“Who’s Casey–fucking–Ryback?”
“Casey Ryback’s a former SEAL Team captain, a counter-terrorist expert.”
“He’s the best there is.”

“Oh, shit! You definitely a bad mutha fucka.”

“You know, I’ve never been afraid of anybody. But that Uncle of yours scares me. And I like it!”

This time around, Seagal plays Ryback with a lot less humor and dialogue. He instead prefers to look stoic and pissed at everything, trumping around the train cars squinting like Eastwood and sneering. The DTV Seagal has taken root. Oh, and to reiterate once again, Ryback is still Steven Seagal.

[THE BODY COUNT: A CONSERVATIVELY ESTIMATED 2,150]

Lawd have mercy, there are a BUNCH of great kills in this one. Seagal himself takes out less people, but he’s quite a bit more violent about it how. And you have to give him a little slack as he is in a limited space scenario. And he still gets a very impressive 24, and considering the manner in which he disposes of them, I’d say the body count this time is slightly more satisfying than part one, so that’s a bonus. Seagal’s sidekick also scores some points and along with a couple rando deaths, adds another 5 to team Ryback.

Twenty nine kills does not, however, come close to the estimated 2,117 kills team Da Bad Guys, rack up. The 17 is the count I got from innocent bystanders, military personnel and friendly fire. The 100 comes from a large passenger plane that Dane has blasted out of the sky and the other two-thousand is a low-ball estimate of how many will die from the initial explosion and fallout of a Chinese bomb-making plant that he eviscerates.  So, even being extremely conservative, the bad guys whipped some ass this time.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Have to go with the best overkill, which also happens to be the main villain. Bonus. A few minutes before the sappy song and credits play, Seagal shoots Dane in the gut through his laptop, which sends him falling out of the runaway train. But that’s not all. Not even close. Much like in a horror film, just when you think Seagal has gotten away to safety, Dane comes outta nowhere and grabs on to Seagal’s leg as he is climbing a rope ladder into a helicopter. Dane follows him up to the chopper door, but Ryback sends him on a one-way bullet train to Hell by slamming the side-door to the aircraft, cutting off all Dane’s fingers and sending him into the blazing inferno that was the passenger train.

He screams Ryback’s name all the way down. Awesome.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

I got nothing. I could try to misconstrue the knife-fight between Seagal and Penn, but it would be grasping at straws. This film is simply not gay. Seagal proves yet again that his characters have little to no interest in sex—at least, while the camera’s are rolling…

Proving Seagal’s badassness, when he breaks his vow of abstinence, he does so on the razors edge of social acceptance.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

The government launches a global satellite equipped with an elite 18 megajoule multiple burst particle beam weapon and the first thing they use it for is to scope out the fake tits on a beach bimbo.

Casey’s niece is captured by the bad guys and used for leverage, but she is represented as a strong-willed young woman, who is willing to die to protect others. So, I can’t count that. Shit.

There is a Female Bad Guy that Knock-Off Argyle sends flying out the door of a chopper, but she was kicking his ass and the only reason he won was because he used a move shown to him by another woman–scuse me, another girl. So, there’s nothing outside of the obligatory tit shot that I can think of. Looking back now, I’m not sure why the Hell I thought this was such a good action movie. What with no gay undertones or hatin’ on women…

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

You know right away that Seagal and the Penultimate Villain, Marcus Penn are destined to show-down and the end result doesn’t disappoint. After threatening Seagal’s niece and forcing Seagal to disarm, Penn shows a bit of honor and decides to battle Seagal, mano-a-mano. Big mistake. There’s one moment when Penn actually connects a kick, but Seagal is back on his feet in about 2 seconds. Other than that, it’s a home-team shut-out. Seagal bludgeons the big bad commando and leaves him with a broken neck on the floor of a filth covered galley.

“Nobody beats me in the kitchen.”

It’s the first and last time that Seagal references his day job while killing and it just begged to be done more often. Like after he blows up two guys with a makeshift bomb, “Now we’re cooking with fire!” Or after he pulls off one of his many limb-snaps, “Can’t stop global terrorism without breaking a few legs!” Or have him fight a guy with an egg-beater and after knocking him out say, “Whipped his ass!” Or how about after punching a guy in the throat, “You want fries with that?”  and then have the guy look at him all WFT? And Seagal jabs both of his eyes out. With fries. Stuff like that.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

No body beats Seagal in the kitchen–or the passenger car, or the luggage car, or the locomotive, or the caboose, or on-top of the train, or in a helicopter, or hanging off the side of a cliff, or…

[THE SYMPTOMS OF SEAGAL: 3 outta 5]

[X] Background With Government Organization
[X] Performs An Overkill
[X] Snaps A Bad Guy’s Appendage
[  ] Speaks Another Language
[  ] Sports a Ponytail

[THE CHECKLIST: 16 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor” [Seagal]
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Assumption. The mother of all fuckups.

Apparition Incarcerators Just Didn’t Have The Same Ring To It…

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Ghost Busters (1984): Breakdown by Rantbo

An Egg-head, a Buffoon, a Smart-Ass and a Man For Hire take on legions of the undead.

[THE EXECUTION]

Now, I admit that it is most definitely a stretch including GHOST BUSTERS in our ACTION Breakdowns. The film’s plot is driven by comedic and spooky situations as opposed to action ones, but there is a certain level of adventure contained within as well, that I can’t help but exploit for the purpose of including this modern classic as part of our review collection. That said, here goes…

I was born in February of 1983. A little over one year later, GHOST BUSTERS was released in theaters. Understandably, my memory is a little bit hazy, but I relatively sure that summer, I became a first time fanatic. Before there were the Ninja Turtles, ThunderCats and The X-Men Animated Series, there was the Ghost Busters. I don’t know anyone from my generation that didn’t at one point want to be one (I still do). These guys were the coolest. I adored the movie, I collected the toys and I obsessed over the cartoon. And this before I even understood most of the dialogue jokes and adult humor that made the movie such huge success. All I new was, there are ghosts and demon dogs and a group of guys with laser guns that would show up and blast the shit out of them. It doesn’t take much more than that concept to appeal to a child of the 80s.

As I said, the story is genius in its simplicity. A trio of eccentric pseudo-scientists lose their positions at NYU and decide to go into business for themselves as paranormal investigators/exterminators. Zany situations, witty dialogue and general hilarity ensue.  In my opinion, this is one of the finest movies ever made. It is clever, spooky, funny (scratch that, VERY FUNNY) and an incredibly well written action adventure. It’s the perfect all-around crowd pleaser. People who don’t enjoy GHOST BUSTERS, don’t understand the magic of cinema. If that’s not an endorsement for this movie, I don’t know what is. It’s a must-see.

As an added Action Fan bonus, two of the Ghost Buster alumni would go on to be in one of the greatest action films of all time…

In closing, it’s personal story time! Again, my memory is fuzzy, as I was under 10 years old, but I’m pretty sure it was this movie that gave me my first sexual interest in the female anatomy…

I remember thinking that those odd hands grabbing her in such a way was—odd, yet strangely satisfying. I’m sure I never worked it out why (back then), but there you go. Like I said, I’m not positive that it was this scene to give me the first of a million boners, but I’m positive that it was either Sigourney and the puppet hands of breast groping doom, or the scene in NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3 where Freddy tricks the horny kid Joey into capture by disguising himself as the hot nurse and showing him her tits. Either way, both still work like a charm, I’m proud to say.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Harold Ramis is Dr. Egon Spengler, Bill Murray is Dr. Peter Venkman, Ernie Hudson is Winston Zeddmore and Dan Aykroyd is Dr. Raymond Stantz.

Egon is the Brain, Ray is the Heart, Peter is the Mouth and Winston is the Backbone, and when combined they make up one of the greatest ensemble casts of all time. Who ya gonna call?

The Ghost Busters are essentially guns for hire whom are clumsy, selfish, goofballs that often behave cowardly and whose heroic deeds often occur in pure coincidence with mostly guesswork and luck. But I love them. There is logic, science, heart and caring behind their work, but it takes a backseat to fortune, fame and clearing their “good” name. Yet they get the job done and if you’re not rooting for them to succeed, I believe your soul just might have been busted. It’s not so much a matter of how badass these guys are (though they are) it’s more about how they come together as a team and save the world from destruction when no one else can that makes them such iconic heroes.

[THE BODY COUNT: ZERO]

Nobody dies, but there are quite a few dead people floating around. That has to count for something right? And don’t say Mr. Stay Puft. He was just the embodiment of the force that was sent back through the portal when the guys crossed the streams. Plus, he’s made of marshmallow. Marshmallow Men don’t count.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

The Ghost Busters vs. The Sedgewick Hotel

“Let’s split up.”
“Yeah, we can do more damage that way.”

The guys’ first job turns into a symphony of destruction and chaos; through ineptitude, excitement and an apathetic approach to property destruction. It’s great. The three doctors trash an entire floor of the hotel AND a giant ballroom, all to trap a stout little booger of a ghost. Slimer.

“Ugly little spud, isn’t he?”

After trashing the ghost’s camp, and blasting everything in sight, the Ghost Busters finally bag their first phantasm. Yes, they came, they saw, they KICKED IT’S ASS!

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

All the guys seem to be pretty straight. Venkman is a total hounddog for gorgeous women (and subsequently dogs), Ray has dreams about fucking female spirits and as for Winston, other than Schwarzenegger, no gay would be seen in flannel smoking a stogie. And then there’s Egon.

Well, he’s not straight as he shows absolutely no interest in Jeanine (a total  babe that clearly wants Spengler’s ectoplasm in and around her ecto-containment unit), but I’m not willing to say he’s gay either. I wouldn’t even call him asexual—he’s just, Egon.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Well, Venkman is about as misogynistic as you can get. At the beginning of the film he performs a shock experiment unfairly to a male student, to gain favor with a female one, whom he then tries to set up a date with. I mentioned that she’s a student right?

Later when he’s a Ghost Buster, he only takes interest in his work when it involves the opportunity to hit on women outside of his league. Though when given the opportunity to bang a possessed Sigourney Weaver, he passes in good taste. So, he’s not a total pig. Shucks.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

“It’s the Stay Puft Marshmallow-Man.”

How could it not be? It’s such a wacky moment in an already weird-ass movie, but for some reason it works so effectively. When that big fluffy sailor stepped into frame,  it became a defining moment in my childhood film watching life-journey. I was an instant fanatic. Puft trumps through the city with total disregard for safety to the people and cars below him, smashes a church (+100 awesome points there) and climbs a defies further logic by scaling a skyscraper with nothing but his stubby-chubby marshmallow fingers for leverage. And I seriously felt bad for him when the Busters lit his face on fire. He looked so sad. Poor guy.

There are so, so, so many great lines in the movie. The entire film is quotable, so it almost seems unfair to pick just one. But since this is for an Action Breakdown, I’ll go with the classic badass line from the team’s resident smart-ass.

Venkman: “All right, let’s show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown!”

Though my personal favorite bit of dialogue is the following…

Dr. Egon Spengler: “Vinz, you said before you were waiting for a sign. What sign are you waiting for?”

Louis: “Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Bustin’ makes me feel good.

[THE CHECKLIST: 14 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[X] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse*
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[Proton Packs]
[  ] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[ECTO 1]
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property**
[ ] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[   ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[Ghostbusters II]
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

*Close, there’s a ballroom AND a fire station.
**”The flowers are STILL standing!”

“It’s Mill-A Time!”

Enta Da Dlagon

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Enter The Dragon (1973): Breakdown by Rantbo

Bruce Lee enters a fighting tournament, waxes philosophical and pwnes max bitches.

[THE EXECUTION]

Bruce Lee’s masterpiece (though I think WAY OF THE DRAGON is better) is just that. Pretty much. This film is considered by many to be the defining martial arts film. And though I think there are movies out there with more skill and grace, ENTER THE DRAGON is no shit sandwich.

Man is invited to an island, goes there, fights dozens of other men, fights man who invited him, credits. There is some other stuff in there about revenge, some mistreated slave women and Black-Belt Jones and Nancy’s Dad from A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET are thrown into the mix for some reason I forget, but it doesn’t matter. This film was made to showcase Lee’s talents and it does just that, and to a very entertaining and enjoyable degree.

This premise has been ripped off more than DIE HARD and for a good reason, it’s an amazingly simple and entertaining story, with compelling characters, stellar cinematography and kick-ass brutal fight sequences. At least 80 of them. Sometimes it truly is the simple things in life that make it worth watching on television.

There’s only one aspect of the film that irritates me and it really doesn’t have to do with the film itself, per say. It’s the audio. Awful. The dub is just like every other dub I’ve seen/been forced to listened to, terrible. I’d love to watch the film with the original track, but I doubt if it even exists anymore. In typical bullshit ‘appease the un-educated nimrod’ fashion the original language is compromised for ridiculous voice-actors, so Americans don’t have to read. When I see an 80 yr/old Chinese man, the voice I imagine him having isn’t Lando Calrissian’s, OK? I want him to sound like a dried up old Asian fart, not a sexy black man.

There really isn’t that much more I need to say on the subject, aside from my personal qualms with the shitty ADR, this film is a classic that solidified the genre as a bankable mainstay in modern cinema and it still holds up almost 40 years later.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Bruce Lee is Lee. “Huh, human fly!”

Not too original on the name, but it doesn’t have to be. In fact, I’ve always thought that martial artist actors should go by their own names, as they’re practically playing a variation of themselves anyways, so why bullshit? Bruce knew the score. We’re watching this movie to see Bruce Lee beat the shit out of less talented stunt-men. Period.

This section is pretty simple, as Lee is Bruce Lee. Arguably the first Action Hero Actor. There was Sean Connery before him, but James Bond was a character and Sean wasn’t much of a go-to action guy until the 80s and even then, not much of one. But Lee was a fucking star. If he made a movie, it was sure to kick ass. And ENTER THE DRAGON was no exception. He has so many moments of pure macho awesomeness within this film, if I were to type them all out, the list would be just shy of the screenplay. Check this one out to view the full glory of his badassitude, you won’t be disappointed. I myself, had a boner for 12 straight hours after watching it. That’s right, Bruce Lee even kicks Viagra’s ass, from the grave.

[THE BODY COUNT: EREVEN]

Not very high, but the fight/death ratio is 1 to 10, so this flick is still pretty action-packed. Both sides, good and bad, rack up 5 kills and the final goes to Lee’s sister via Hari Kari. Bruce does pull off two kills via his special jump-in-the-air-land-both-feet-on-the-opponents-face-and-twist move, so that’s pretty awesome, and the main bad guy Han annihilates Black-Belt Jones with his metal bitch-fist. But the rest of the kills are pretty low-key beat-downs that go a little too far. Though most are delivered by the massive hands of Bolo Yeung, so bonus awesome points there…

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]

Few asskickings can ever hope to reach the level of pure ownage that Lee exhibits against Oharra, the penultimate villain. The fight is so one-sided, it’s not even close to being fair. With the knowledge that Oharra was the catalyst behind his sister’s suicide, Lee holds back nothing and within a minute and a half, humiliates, bludgeons and fucking kills the 6′2 Chuck Norris clone, all with his skinny little Asian legs and chicken gobbling screams.

It’s a massacre and I loved every second of it.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

The film opens with Lee wrestling a tubby dude, both men wearing matching black speedos.

That’s pretty fruity. And Bruce Lee spends a good half of the film shirtless, more ripped than Jesus. Other than that though, this film is pretty hetero. Lee is too busy fighting off hordes of weaker men to take notice in sex, gay or straight. And as for the other two “good guys”, when they get down, it’s always with feminine-looking women. It’s kind of a bummer, but again, there are so many fights, you barely notice the lack of man-on-man intimacy.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

The entire reason that Lee is sent on his mission to fuck people up, is because the main baddie Han is keeping hoes jacked up and using them like shake and bake bags. So, in a way, the entire plot revolves around the mistreatment of women.

Plus, once on the island, the contestants are allowed nightly to choose up to 4 bitches from a line-up to make sexy-time with. Black-Belt Jones himself is never with less than three. And these guys are the heroes of the picture.

Also, a team of about 10 men gang up on Lee’s sister in the backstory and even though she fights them gallantly, she ends up cornered and commits seppuku with a chunk of window glass. I’m not sure whether this constitutes more on the side of misogyny or women kicking ass… On one hand a group of ten men gang up on a girl, beat her and chase her down to turn her into a drug-addicted whore, and on the other, she fights them off amazingly well and rather than let the men win, she sacrifices herself for honor. Tough call. One I don’t think, as a man, I could make. Ladies?

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Lee is confronted at the opening ceremonies…

Sheepish Guard: “Mr. Lee! Why you no wear uniform!?”
Lee: “…”

Stares him down, cold. The guy tucks his chin back like a dog tucks its tail and walks off, probably to cry. This is easily one of THE most badass moments I’ve ever seen in a movie.

As for the one-liner…

Oharra enters the fighting ring and the cocksure buffoon brings a board with him, throws it in the air and smashes it with his fist to intimidate Lee. It doesn’t work.

Lee: Boards don’t hit back.

And then Lee destroys him. Flawless Victory—Fatality.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Bruce Lee could have single-handedly conquered Sparta at the height of it’s power. And Bolo is forever Young. Seriously, Bolo never aged after this film. It’s fucking weird. They guy is like the Asian Gene Hackman, or something.

[THE CHECKLIST: 11 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[  ] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[Bolo Yeung]
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[  ] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[  ] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[  ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)*
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

*I’m not completely sure, as it all depends on if Black-Belt died before or after the bad guys chained him up to be dipped in the spooky cauldron of mystery death-liquid. Han talks about how he had some questions to be answered, but never mentions if the inquisition went beyond the initial fight. But, whatever, the beat down was torture enough to justify the point.

Whoo Ta, Bitches!

Hickey & Boggs are The Ambiguously Apathetic Duo

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Hickey & Boggs (1972): Breakdown by Kain424

Two Dicks try to solve a money-changing case, upgrade their arsenal, and get over their failed relationships with women.  And down as many hotdogs as a buddy-cop film will allow.

[THE EXECUTION]

It’s hard to rate this film well, considering that there is so little action or even likable characters.  The two protagonists are down-on-their-luck private detectives who couldn’t care less if the world burned, so long as they make a profit.  However, this seems to be the point.  They aren’t supposed to be likable, or even redeemable.  This is post-war noir, with no jingoism attached.  They are worthless, tired, boozing losers who can’t even shoot straight.

This is a very dark film, filmed in bright, sunlit exteriors either for ironic effect or for budgetary reasons.  I can’t say this film is a failure, as I think it wants to be downbeat.  The problem is, it just isn’t as entertaining as it is interesting.

And it’s an interesting idea, to be sure, but I can’t help but call back to Dirty Harry, who even at his most despicable, still manages to awe with his smirking coolness.  This film may have all but invented the Buddy-Cop genre, but it’s only Walter Hill’s writing and the occasional action beat that keeps this one from melting the viewer into a state of complete and utter boredom. And it comes close.

Still, it’s cool to see Bill Cosby as a hardcore P.I.

Also, H&B showcases some early work by Ed Lauter and a young James Woods.  That alone was worth the price.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

culp-cosby

Robert Culp is Frank Boggs &  Bill Cosby is Al Hickey

As mentioned above, the idea here is not to glorify these gentlemen.  As is such, the two main characters are shown as weak, impotent, and not even batting an eye when one of their clients turns out to be a disgusting elderly fellow who gets his kicks sunbathing nearly nude while watching children play in a park.  These guys are not bad-ass at all.  At least, not in the traditional sense.  When it all finally comes down on them, the criminals engaged in firefights across the city, our two “heroes” set up and their lives nearly ruined, they aren’t the only ones who can do anything.  No.  But they are the only ones who will do anything.

[THE BODY COUNT: 15]

A lot of the killings are simply bad guys mowing down other bad guys.  Culp and Cosby get two kills each, and three out of four of that total almost seem like a lucky happenstance.  It’s the 70s, so the real killers are still the criminals.  Most are death by gunshot, but there are also a couple lethal beatdowns.  The body count only starts stacking up near the end of the film, but I guess all that waiting had to be for something.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Cosby’s Hickey, who’s ex-wife had just agreed to see him and give him another shot at their failed life together, is beaten and/or raped and killed.  The killer is insinuated to be the mute henchman that does most of the hard work for the main antagonist.  After all of the other baddies have been gunned down or blown up, only Culp, Cosby and the mutie remain.

Hickey and Boggs watch in stony silence as the villain attempts to pull part of a destroyed helicopter from the rubble and use it as a weapon.  Boggs hands Hickey a loaded .44 after Hickey silently motions that his own is empty.  As the mute killer charges, Hickey takes aim and blasts one shot through the underused lungs of his oncoming enemy.  The result is the film’s goriest demise:

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

The movie’s two leads have no one else but each other.  Cosby seems content to agonize the mother of his child with his sexless presence whilst dragging Culp away from awkward lap-dances at strip clubs.  They seem to exist in between relationships, but openly stroke their guns in front of one another, all the while chowing down on hotdogs.  A lot of hotdogs.  Hotdogs and chilidogs.  I don’t know, but there might be something there.

Still, it seems more like the two guys enjoy fucking up relationships more than, well relating.  As for the film’s scenery, well remember that guy who likes to sunbathe in front of kids?  Here you go:

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Women, it seems, can’t stand our protagonists.  In Hickey & Boggs, the fairer of the sexes is always shown in a negative light, so it’s no wonder that the men can’t stand them either.  Women are always seen here either yelling and scolding men, crying, or as exotic dancers, laughing in the face of cuckholded men.

It’s an evil, dark, twisted place, this one.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

The epic moment comes at the end of the film, not as a rush, but as a whimper of despair.  A helicopter shot down, money-launderers shot dead with a dozen or so corpses about.  Cosby, who looks around and notices the bleak atmosphere and stunning silence, says , “Nobody came…Nobody Cares.”

The best line is also the the dark joke of the film.  Frank Boggs keeps asking, intermittently, what this case is all about, to which Al Hickey keeps telling the slightly more idealistic Frank that it’s not about anything.  At the end of the movie, after Al has noticed that no one cares about the small war that has just been waged on the beach property, he looks at Frank and says, “It’s still not about anything.”

Frank just sighs and grabs up what he wants from the ruined cars nearby.

“Yeah.  You told me.”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

It’s not about anything.

[THE CHECKLIST: 14 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[  ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[  ] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

At Least We Have Each Other

It’s Just Like Die Hard, But it is Wetter, Under The Siege

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Under Siege (1992): Breakdown by Rantbo

Die Hard on a boat. Chef Seagal opens up a can of whoop-ass, serves up some dead terrorists and carves up Tommy Lee Jones like a thanksgiving soldier of fortune.

[THE EXECUTION]

With the downtrodden hearts and minds of Action fans the world over starting to visibly show due to the barren two-year stretch without a new Die Hard sequel, Steven Seagal and director Andrew Davis decided that if Fox wasn’t going to keep their destructive ball consistently rolling, it was up to them to fill the void with the next best thing: A remake. OK, so not quite, but UNDER SIEGE’s story is so similar to the adventures of John McClane, it might as well have been called one. Not to say that this was in any way a bad thing. Far from it actually.

Seagal is Casey Ryback, retired Navy SEAL and current cook for the USS Missouri battleship. On the eve of the ships official retirement from duty, which also happens to be the Captain’s birthday, a small army of terrorists (who are really exceptional thieves, masquerading as B-Day entertainers), lead by William Stranix (Tommy Lee Jones) and the turncoat first mate (Gary Busey), take control of the ship and it’s armament of nuclear warheads and with them, hold the country for ransom. So, guess what “unlikely” hero has to save the fuckin’ day?

Team Ryback

As I mentioned before Seagal reunites with Andrew David, the director of his break-out film ABOVE THE LAW, and combined with the proven Action formula of ‘one-man in an isolated place, takes on vast numbers of bad guys with limited resources’, made arguably the most successful and popular film of Seagal’s career. And while I still prefer the more up-close and personal gritty cop movies that he did before going mainstream, UNDER SIEGE is easily the best of the Die Hard knock-offs and pure ship-kicking entertainment. The action is hardcore, unapologetic and totally Seagalian, but on a massive scale. Up to this point in his career, the stakes of his character’s badass endeavor had never been higher and as such an extra effort to one-up his previous performances was ever present. And all without the aid of his ponytail.

Seagal has also never had an A-List actor as his nemesis. Sure, one could argue that Tommy Lee wasn’t “A-List” at this point, but I say, if you argue that, you can take a long walk off a short battleship fucko. ‘Cuz Lee sure as shit plays Stanix like he’s being paid in Oscar gold. And short of having Alan Rickman re-play the “Hans” role, it couldn’t have been better. Lee exhibits a crazy, wild-man energy that chews the scenery like a fuckin’ shark. He’s funny, twisted and when need be, deathly serious and always believable. And he has the always entertaining Gary Busey as his psychotic, assholish second in command.

Only one thing really annoyed me in this movie, and subsequently kept it from getting a top score: he inclusion of a side-kick. And we aren’t talking a minimal role, like an Argyle or Officer Al, (that happens in part 2). No, they gave Ryback a dumb blonde bimbo to baby-sit: Erika Eleniak playing, essentially herself, Miss July ‘89.

Lawd Have Mercy! What a babe. Too bad she fuckin’ sucks. But, I’ll talk about that more in the Exploitation and Misogyny section. So, while it’s not the best entry in Steven’s catalog, I will admit that this film is a arm-snapping good time and if you dig DIE HARD, you owe it to yourself to see this one. And part 2, that’s a good one also.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Steven Seagal is Navy Cook Casey Ryback

“He’s more than a good cook, you have no idea.”

“Ryback is an ex-SEAL… Expert in martial arts,  explosives, weapons and tactics. Silver Star, Navy Cross, Purple Heart with cluster and security clearance revoked after Panama. That means he couldn’t hold any ranking except that of a yeoman or a cook. How little did I know.”

“He had an extremely distinguished career until Panama, when most of his team was killed due to poor intelligence at the airport.”
“Ryback’s a warrior. He’s the best there is. When he got back from Panama he punched out his officer in charge. Captain Adams took him on board Missouri as his personal cook so he could finish his 20.”

“This guy’s a pain in the ass!”

“Why didn’t you hire this person? I don’t know what his price would have been, but it would’ve been worth it.”

Oh, and to reiterate, he’s played by Steven Seagal.

[THE BODY COUNT: 100+]

Well, if you’re going to straight up rip off DIE HARD, down to the jumping off of the “building” to avoid a helicopter explosion, you better at least try and one-up it. And it’s in the kill count that UNDER SIEGE provides. Seagal himself takes out 30 guys, to McClane’s 10 and even gets partial credit for blowing up a sub that contained at least 20-25 more. That’s pretty fucking impressive. But the chaos and destruction doesn’t end there. The Stranix Army manage to chalk up 46 sailors and SEALs, and Team Ryback racks up another 7 making the body count of the film over 100. Snap your arm, rip out your throat and eat your heart out, McClane.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]

Stranix Gets His Comeuppance—And Then Some

After working his way up from the bowels of the ship, Seagal finally makes it to the top and Tommy Lee. Seagal allows Stranix to deliver his evil speech before kicking the gun from his hand. Who says Seagal is incapable of mercy? Then the knife fight of the century is on. The two exchange cuts for a minute or two, but then Seagal gets bored and decides to end it. First he gouges out Tommy’s right eye with his thumb, then he shoves his knife into the top of his head—to the hilt AND THEN shoves his head through a computer monitor. Effectively killing the corpse dead.

“Keep the faith, Strannix.”

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

First off, this movie takes place on a Navy boat full of sailors. I could stop right there, but for shits and giggles, I won’t.

During the first act, a guy named Q-Ball visits Seagal’s kitchen and dances with Joey Six from THE SUBSTITUTE to Snap’s The Power. That’s pretty gay. And then there’s this…

Yikes. You know that toy clown that comes to life and tries to strangle the buck-tooth kid in POLTERGEIST? Yeah, it’s got nothing on the terror I feel when seeing Gary Busey in drag.

But, other than that, this is a Seagal picture and much like Charlie Bronson and Bruce Willis, he’s pretty not-gay. However, the moment Miss July ’89 shows her tits, Seagal yells out, “Whoa! Shut the music off!” Which I believe to be but half the line… “Are you trying to make me sick! This is a Naval Ship, Lady! Put those things away!” Sure, it’s a stretch, but it’s the best I can do with Seagal. This guy just loves the pussy.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Miss July ‘89: I am the girl. Why do I have to carry everything?
Ryback: Listen, I support women’s lib, don’t you?
Miss July ’89: Yeah, when it works in my favor.

Spoken like a true feminist.

Jordan Tate. She’s blonde, stupid, helpless, annoying and blonde. She’s 90s woman, listen to her complain. When she gets scared and starts to incoherently talk/cry, Seagal yells at her, “What kind of babbling bullshit is this!”. He tires of her shit soon afterward and shuts her in a closet, but she protests by whining and crying even harder.

Miss July ‘89: I hate being alone~sob~
Ryback: Do you hate being dead?

This is answered later on to the negative as she actively jumps head-first into every possible sure-death situation, leaving her pathetic life in the hands of a Seagal rescue, time and time again. I personally think she juts hates being around herself as much as everyone else does.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

EP-M:

Toward the end of the film, Gary Busey and a crew are about to escape on a sub with a bunch of nuclear warheads in tow. Casey ain’t havin’ that shit. So, together with his small team of rescued sailors, Team Ryback open fire on the sub with some really large cannon thingy, that fires shells the size of garbage cans. On the second try, Seagal and crew make contact, effectively blowing up the sub, annihilating the crew and eviscerating Busey’s traitorous, cross-dressing ass.

THE LINE:

The best one-liner surprisingly doesn’t belong to Seagal, but rather to Stranix when speaking with a former ally of his…

Breaker: Look, Bill, if this is about reliving the 60s, you can forget it, buddy. The movement is dead.
Strannix: Yes, of course! Hence the name: movement. It moves a certain distance, then it stops. You see a revolution gets it’s name by always coming back around in your FACE! You tried to kill me, you son-of-a-bitch—so welcome to the revolution.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

It’s not the size of the terrorist’s numbers on the ship that counts, it’s the badassness of Seagal.

[THE SYMPTOMS OF SEAGAL: 3 outta 5]

[X] Background With Government Organization
[X] Performs An Overkill
[X] Snaps A Bad Guy’s Appendage
[  ] Speaks Another Language
[  ] Sports a Ponytail

[THE CHECKLIST: 17 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[X] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[Under Siege 2: Dark Territory]
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice*

*Miss July ‘89 takes out the 3rd highest baddy. And since she decided to actively participate in the goings on instead of staying hidden below (especially since she’s not a sailor or terrorist), I’ll count it.

WE CAN DO IT! After the men teach us how to.

Under Siege (1992) © Warner Brothers Pictures and Home Video

The Beast/Abs/Pecks/Thigh Master

The Beastmaster

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

The Beastmaster (1982): Breakdown by Rantbo

He-Man with less clothes, no guns and more animals.

[THE EXECUTION]

THE BEASTMASTER’s story is like a book of Mad Libs filled in by a demented 3rd grader during a detention for sneaking into the girl’s lockeroom…

Once upon a time there was a fetus that was kidnapped by a zombie-faced witch and put inside a cow. Then along came a man with the throwing blade from KRULL who saved the human-beast baby from being gutted like a fish. Years passed and the mutant cow man learned to kill shit, with the help of a spray-painted tiger and two gay rodents. The Beastmaster used his animal telepathy to seek revenge for his leather-daddy clan’s honor. And after setting a moat of liquid shit on fire, they lived happily ever after.

And I’m conflicted as to whether or not I should recommend this…

On one hand, this movie is an amazing achievement in powering through one of the worst ideas ever imagined. And on the other, you have to sit through it to understand hand one. This is one of those Awesome in it’s Awfulness entries and really reminded me of all those 90s TV shows like HERCULES: THE LEGENDARY JOURNEYS and XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS, only with more titties. In fact, if memory servers, I think this movie was actually created into a show like that. So, in a way, that’s kinda cool. But there is also a bunch of shit that just turned me off of the epic stupidity.

For one, this movie is fucking disgusting.  There’s a race of Bat-Men that digest people in their wings, liquefying their prey into snot. Sick. There is a moat literally filled with liquid bubbling shit. Nasty. There are several young boys that are always naked except for thongs. Disturbing. There are a crew of butterface witches. Obscene. And if that wasn’t enough, there’s even a pregnant woman. It’s fucking gross. Even Tanya Roberts’ knockers couldn’t bring back my boner.

The ADR is atrocious. Every time an animal is shown on-screen (which is a lot, this IS Beastmaster, after all) they dubbed in stock noises of screeching, squeaking and roaring that really got on my fucking nerves. And it didn’t stop with the creatures. Any and all screaming was added in post, which made for awkward scenes of intended terror, as you hear the person screaming, but their mouths aren’t moving.

The fight sequences are pathetic. Even when they are shot well (which is 50/50), the choreography was clunky and laughable. And with how little clothing everyone was wearing, they sure seemed to act as though they were being bogged down by weights. Maybe in this realm the gravity is heavier. I don’t know, but it looked bad. I could keep going, but I think you get the point.

On the plus side of things, this movie could be considered a classic if placed in the comedy section of your local video store. All that crap that I mentioned above can be seen as a positive if you enjoy laughing at the failed efforts of gay sci-fi filmmaker nerds from the 80s. Which I do. And there you have it, my double-edged sword. Watching it now, almost 30 years after it was made, it excretes the charm of a movie made by a group of 9 yr/olds, one of whom happened to have some exotic pets roaming his back yard. So, if you dig Conan AND Masters of the Universe, and wonder what a combination of the two would look like if made by a few sexually confused children, wonder no more. Pick up THE BEASTMASTER and laugh your tits off.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Marc Singer is Dar The Beastmaster

Dar. Born of a cow, which gave unto him the power to telepathically link with animals. OK, so aside from the fact that this is fucking stupid, it takes away a bunch of opportunities in which Dar could kick ass, but instead leaves it up to his furry pals. He does his part, prancing around shirtless in his tiara and swinging around phallic extensions of his shrunken bronzed surfer schlong. Which again, is hilarious. So, it’s hard not to like the guy after putting on such an entertaining show—but he still sucks.

It’s hard to root too hard for a guy that’s willing to manipulate dumb women and then force himself upon them. I mean, would you champion for a fraternity guy who lets his pals beat up on his enemies and then repeatedly tries to date-rape the victim’s girlfriend? Not me. No, the true hero of the picture…

Kodo. A fucking rodent. The title of this movie should have been: THE FERRET KODO AND HIS MANSLAVE DAR.

[THE BODY COUNT: AROUND 80-90, I’D ESTIMATE]

The battle scenes are really hard to distinguish what’s going on, and how many are actually dying. I really didn’t feel like going over any of this movie’s sequences again and again to differentiate. Sorry. I came up with a rough count though.

I figure Dar kills between 12 and 20, Team Beastmaster gets in around another 20-25 and the bad guys rack up around 40. There are also 2 suicides and 2 animals die. This sounds gory and action packed, but it’s really not. Most of the deaths involved bloodless arrow wounds and gashless sword-cuts. It’s pretty lackluster and boring most of the time, thus I didn’t feel like being more accurate.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Dar defies his homosexual urges for but a minute to actually penetrate the belly of a woman. He does it with an actual sword, but I give him an A for effort, despite his inability to even pretend to enjoy it.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

“You trained Tal well… he already has the strongest right hand that any leader of men could want.”

Holy ball-sweat and baby-oil! We have a contender for gayest of all time. I think it’ll just be easier to make a list for this one.

-The main character’s name is Dar The Beastmaster. As if that’s not enough, he also wears a loin-cloth with leather straps, leather wrist bands, leather boots and a tiara. Nothing else.

Insert Joke Of Your Choice Here

-His friends are two ferrets that he carries around in a purse. And a spray painted tiger named Ruh.
-At one point, Dar climbs to the top of a peninsula, removes his leather straps and swings around a log. And I don’t know why? This is seemingly done for no rhyme or reason, but I have one theory and it rests with the duration, which lasts just long enough for an average wank. I think I know what you’re telling me movie…
-The King’s Guard wear leather-daddy bathing suits—and capes.
-Dar is raised by a tribe of sword-wielding loincloth enthusiasts, so if their actual dicks aren’t swinging around, their metaphorical ones are.
-Instead of shaking hands, men grab one-another’s biceps.

-There are these “men” called Death Knights that run around punching things in a wardrobe consisting (yet again) of spiked-leather leggings, spiked-leather gloves, a spiked-leather belt (with a leather thong, of course) and a leather gimp-mask. Nothing else. In fact, all the guys strip down to their underwear and leather straps before fighting. Even the 12 yr old. It’s creepy.

To sum up, every time you see a guy under 40, he’s half-naked, sporting leather, sweating and carrying something phallic. It’s really quite amazing that this isn’t filed under the soft-core porn section of video stores.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

In the opening rape and pillage sack of Dar’s shanty-town, a woman gets her top (if you could call it that) torn off and she runs away with her mud covered titties flopping in the wind.

Later on, Dar takes an odd heterosexual interest in a topless Tanya Roberts and her lesbian swimming buddy. And shortly after, tries to rape her, but gets turned off by her whip scars (assuring us right there that he could never be straight). Then later, he only agrees to help the resistance if she offers herself to him. And this is our hero.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

After failing to sacrifice two children in a row, due to Dar’s hawk picking up the second one and flying off—don’t ask, Rip Torn stairs into the crowd of his un-willing followers dumbfounded. Not sure of what to say about what just happened (who would?), he decides to spin it.

“…You See!? Ar has spoken—he wants your children!”

The funniest part about this is, as soon as the line is spoken, there is one more pause of Rip Torn looking befuddled as if to further say, “Yeah, uh—yeah, you see THAT WAS, that uh, I mean to say—I KNEW that was going to happen!“ and then it cuts to another scene without showing if his audience bought it or not.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Mark Singer was born of a cow—Tanya Roberts, of a fox. Grrrowl.

[THE CHECKLIST: 18 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse*
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[  ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[BEASTMASTER 2: THROUGH THE PORTAL OF TIME]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

*Better, there are at least 3 in a pyramid.

Should We Be Watching This?

The Beastmaster (1982) © MGM and Anchor Bay Entertainment