Showdown In Little Tokyo killcount

Showdown In Little Tokyo (1991)

Showdown In Little Tokyo

Starring Dolph Lundgren

and Brandon Lee

Watch video:

Get the Flash Player to see this player.

Lundgren kills 34

Lee kills 12

Discuss

Showdown In Little Tokyo rights held by Warner Bros.

Resident Evil 3: Program ASS Activated

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Resident Evil: Extinction (2007): Breakdown by Rantbo

The Skinny One returns to roam the desert, kill birds and fight a hentai rape monster.

[THE EXECUTION]

Well, third time appears to be the charm, as EXTINCTION is by far the best film of the series. But that isn’t saying much.

Instead of moving on to rip-off ESCAPE FROM LA, Paul W.S.A. decided to move onto MAD MAX 2. Why stop at raping just one classic franchise?  The logical continuation will put Part 4 on a giant space station/weapon , owned and operated by the Umbrella Empire, er–Corporation.

The direction this time around is leaps and bounds better than the last two, but the story is still unfortunately poorly thought out garbage. It’s, of course, written once again by Paul. I wonder if he knows how mediocre he is? I bet he does, but just doesn’t care. What a wanker.

The first action sequence (of three total) features Alice fighting a group of inbred mormons with a fetish for feeding people to zombie-dogs. Which, I admit, is a great idea, but doesn’t belong in a Resident Evil film. But, as much as this sequence seems tacked on, it’s still better than anything from the past two films, while still managing to be quite bad. Well done, guys(?)

The inbred-mormon scene withholding though, the rest of the film follows a group of roaming dopers as they ramble around the southwestern United States bleeding members in-between 7-11 pit stops. It seems that the best ideas the stoners could come up with between funion breaks, was to 1st) drive around the desert, scrounging for gas, food and reefer. 2nd) listen to Iron Butterfly whilst doing number one. And 3rd) Bitch about their situation. Which raises a question: Why would a convoy bent on staying mobile, in a near gasless post-apocalyptic world, be driving around in an army truck, a utility van, an ambulance, a school bus and a hummer? Could these people not find a single Prius amongst the entire southwestern United States? And don’t tell me they happened upon Schwarzenegger’s hybrid, because Arnold would survive the end of days (this time, I’m sure) and drive off to re-start civilization, like a man.

Repeating an issue I had from part one, nothing happens in this film for almost 40 minutes. At that point you get to see the fire v. crows scene from the trailer and then nothing again for another twenty minutes.

It’s a largely pointless movie, as far as progressing the franchise’s story, up until just before the 60 minute mark. That’s when the saving grace action sequence happens.

The creepy doctor who upgraded Alice in the last two films, wrangles up a bunch of zombies, makes it so they can run (fuck you canon!) and personally dresses them all in grey jumpsuits (footage missing). He then piles them all into a metal box with clown-car physics (seriously, at least 70 or more must run out of a container half the size of a semi-truck’s freighter) and unleashes them on the heroes at the only gas-pump left in the city of Las Vegas. OK, so it’s one of the dumbest fucking scenarios possible, but at least it’s filled with cherry-pie splattering goodness. The sequence is, however, bitter-sweet because the filmmakers have distanced themselves so far from the source material that it’s practically unrecognizable as a Resident Evil story. Which is just sad, as that’s why I was watching this crap.

As a whole, this film is still a mediocre sci-fi action-horror vehicle, but at least this entry had some entertaining fights, some great practical gore effects and Johnny Cage as a cowboy sniper.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Milla Jovobich is Alice 2.5. Now With Mind Bullets (that’s telekinesis, Kyle)!

Alice gets upgraded more than an iPhone and with this installment, she gains the powers of telekinesis, pyrokinesis and knife-fighting, the level of which having only previously been possessed by Blade. In short, she has finally become the action hero they’ve been pretending she was for the past two films.

Also, it could be her choice of slightly less stupid looking clothing, but she doesn’t look so damn dilapidated this time either. Which is good. Of course her hair now looks like a soiled truck-stop mop-head. Maybe they couldn’t afford a stylist after buying all those grey zombie jumpsuits. But, it is nice to know that even though the world is in it’s final days, the ladies can still find time to highlight their hair. And speaking of highlights, here are some of Alice’s…

-Kills a guy with a kick to the jaw
-Kills a family of mouth-breathers by unleashing zombie dogs on them.
-Kills a fleet of Super-Un-Dead men with a couple of knives.
-Destroys the components of an orbiting satellite with her mind.
-Fights a tentacle monster with a knife. AND avoids having a single orifice raped in the process.

[THE BODY COUNT: A SHIT-TON ASS-LOAD MORE +1]

The virus has spread throughout the world and killed most life on Earth. So roughly 6 billion people, a hundred billion animals and most plant life. Top that, Roland Emmerich.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

School Boy a.k.a. that effeminate guy from DOA gets his face raped to death. So that was kind of special.

It’s rare to see a tentacle penetration death in a Hollywood film, so you have to show your appreciation when the chance arises. Kudos, team.

[CHICKSWEAT AND FEMCHISMO]

Here we are, part 3. And the big question is, does Alice’s sexual preference finally get revealed. I believe I can safely say, yes. But EXTINCTION throws us a curve ball and Alice takes what’s behind door number three.

Herself. Even I didn’t see that one coming. Which raises a new question: is it still abstinence when you hook up with a clone of yourself? I don’t know, but I’m willing to perform some extensive tests with the Jovovich Clones to find out.

Alice’s potential new love interest doesn’t end up alone and lonely though, they’ve got it covered.

Paul W.S.A. just loves him some shitty actresses. Regrettably replacing Miss. Valentine, is Ali Larter (AMERICAN OUTLAWS) as Claire Redfield. Not to be confused with the Claire Redfield of the Resident Evil videogame franchise fame. No, no. These two have nothing to do with one another. I guess Paul just liked the name and felt like shitting on the fans once more for the lulz. Movie Claire is a tough talkin’, truck-driving, rootin-tootin lipstick lezzy with a thing for the young ones. She shacks up with a lovely young thing called K-Mart (seriously). These two share the same clothing style, hairstyle, constantly open-mouthed vacant expressions and front truck cab. Their relationship is one of convenience, but what a sexy convenience it is.

Whatsamatter Claire–Do You Think Someone Saw Us!?

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

You get to see another quick glimpse of Milla’s chest, and it’s still ribbed for no one’s pleasure. But, regrettably there are no zombie strippers this time around.

As far as the misogyny goes, these films are lacking as they support a girl-power angle, but I’ve got some of my own to share. The AOBG Stupid Bitch award goes to that chubby chick from the Ja Rule music videos. As for no reason that I can discern, she locks herself in a school bus that is filling up with flesh-eating birds. She tries to take some of them out with a pistol, but fails like her music career and gets pecked to death.

Why she didn’t just run when given the chance, or at least use her gun on herself, I’ll never understand.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

The Gigolo goes down in a blaze of glory–while smoking’ a blaze.

As for the one-liner. No. This film had a couple of potential’s but they are so lame, that I refuse to repeat them here, as they weren’t even good enough for a laugh.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

What happens in Vegas–is never as cool as killing zombies. Not even David Copperfield.

[THE CHECKLIST: 13 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[  ] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel [Resident Evil: Afterlife]
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

SURPRISE SEX!!!

Total Recall killcount

Total Recall (1990)

Total Recall

Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger

and Michael Ironside

Watch video:

Schwarzenegger kills 57

Ironside kills 4

Discuss

Total Recall rights held by Sony.

Resident Evil 2: The Ass Continues

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004): Breakdown by Rantbo

Skinny Chick returns to kung fu the cast of Michael Jackson’s Thriller, wire-fight a giant mutated retard and run down the side of a building for some dumbass reason.

[THE EXECUTION]

This film picks up directly after the events in part one. Which I happen to like (where the sequel picks up, not the first movie), even when I know the sequel is going to be just as shitty as the original. I guess you could compare my ‘condition’ to the people who don’t give a shit about football, but still watch the super bowl because of the commercials. We are a sick, sick group of individuals that need help. But I know that there has to be at least a couple other people out there that would still watch a SUPER MARIO BROS. sequel if it picked up right when Princess Daisy busts into the Mario brother’s apartment all grungy and asking for help. Curiosity took the cat’s $9.50, but the ability to accurately complain, brought it back.

Much like in the game, the city near the mansion from part one has become infected with zombieitus and all Hell has broken loose. But, outside of a couple familiar character names and outfits, that’s where the comparisons to the videogames end.

However, the movie sequel does stay true to it’s movie predecessor and even outdoes it as there are even more cut-away deaths, shaky-cam quick-cuts, shitty acting and unintelligible action sequences. Way to one up the original, guys.

While I believe that APOCALYPSE is indeed a worse movie than part one, there are actually more likable features this time around. For instance, the bad-ass male character makes it the entire duration. There are actually characters and situations from the games integrated (albeit poorly) into the plot. And in place of the lesbian ‘Rain’ character we get a hot brunette in a mini-skirt for a sidekick, thus balancing out the lack of original hotness killed by Milla’s stupid clothes and now third-world bodyframe.

Resident Evil 2 03

“I told you. Shoot the head.”

It’s just unfortunate that Valentine happens to be in RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPSE, as her character drowns within the shitty story, terrible dialogue and laughably bad action sequences. But, I’d still pay to see a movie featuring her as the main character.  That is, so long as Paul W.S.A. was barred from the creative team and it was made more like the games and not a shitty ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK rip-off. Which, by the way, is really uninspired. At least when Neil Marshal made DOOMSDAY, he hired a chick with a nice rack and a sexy accent to play the role of Snake and not his anorexic girlfriend. So, on the bright side, at least someone learned from Anderson’s mistakes.

Here’s some more stuff I hated. The Fights. All the fights are ass. All you get are a bunch or rapid fire shots of Milla Jovovich swinging her skinny arms around with the sound of a bamboo stick hitting a stack of newspapers overlaid. The worst of which is a non sequitur graveyard fight where, for some reason, they decided to ruin the virus continuity by having it effect already buried bodies, just so they could show the girls leg sweeping and donkey kicking decomposed corpses.  It’s fucking dumb.

Surprisingly though, most of the film’s fight scenes and non-CG body count involve the main bad guy’s un-undead minions (that means they’re alive). Which are a fleet of poorly trained automatons with uzis and nightsticks that all wear motorcycle helmets with the visors down, even though it’s pitch black out and they don’t have any bikes.

Which brings me to the bad guy. I call him that Blonde Corporate Douche from Resident Evil 2. It’s the only way I can think to describe him, as his bland look and recycled villainy are that of a hundred lackluster movies. BCD does have one kinda funny trait though, he is completely obsessed with watching Alice fight a mongoloid in a bad rubber suit. Now I’m not saying that I wouldn’t find this entertaining, but if the battleground was scheduled to be blown up by a nuke in less than an hour, I think I could deal with the disappointment of not realizing the dream. But, this guy has a real hard-on for this match.

The fight itself is fucking terrible, and I could keep going on about the sheer shittyness of RE:A, but it would be beating a re-dead un-dead horse. The point is, this movie sucks, but if you saw the first one, you knew this already.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Milla Jovovich is Alice 2.0. Now With Super Powers!

I will give the film a little credit for actually making it’s main character capable of kicking ass, via bio-enhancements. But my issue resides in the believability of it all. Like I said in my breakdown of part one, I enjoyed the games, so I’m ready, able and willing to suspend disbelief for some goofy shit, but I just can’t accept Milla Jovovich as a badass. Even when she does a bunch of bad-ass things:

-Breaks into a gun store and steals shit
-Breaks into a Harley shop and steals shit (footage missing, but it clearly happened)
-Uses the stolen shit to fuck up a church.
-Shoots a bunch of guns, accurately and with conviction
-Resets a broken finger without screaming like Nancy Kerrigan
-Has a 30 ft vertical
-Kills at least 2 dogs with a cigarette
-Beats up an 8 foot tard with a bitch stick

All of these things scream BAD ASS MUTHA FUCKER! But I don’t believe for a second that Skinny McNeedsasammich is capable of any of it. I’m amazed that she has the energy to walk without assistance, let alone become the hero of a franchise of sci-fi action-horror movies. Maybe if the role of Alice was played by Dina Meyer. Then I wouldn’t have questioned it, but as is, you’d need to crush Alice into dust and slip her in my drink for me to swallow it.

Sienna Guillory is Jill Valentine is My Dream Girl

Her character is introduced by walking past a collage of newspaper clippings displaying her failure as a respectable officer of the law. And she’s at her home. So I already like her. Any person that is not only  unashamed of being an asshole, but displays it honorably, is my kind of action hero. Upon hearing that the city is in turmoil via her police radio (I guess she must have missed the chaos in the streets on the drive home), Valentine equips her army boots and gun (which I can only assume is a personal back up, as she is on suspension) and rushes down to the precinct. [Whip-Pan] She’s there and shooting 5 or so unruly prisoners in the face.

There are two possibilities as to how this act came about. 1. On the ride to the precinct, she came to the conclusion that the infected people were, in fact, already dead and simply reanimated flesh-craving meat-bags that must be killed to preserve the lives of the healthy, or 2. She was frustrated with liberal justice bullshit and decided to Dirty Harry the situation by cappin’ some crazy assholes and to Hell with any potential consequences. What are they gonna do, suspend her twice? Yeah, right. Either way, she’s my favorite character from the movies.

[THE BODY COUNT: A SHIT-TON ASS-LOAD]

Fuck counting. The whole city of Toronto gets nuked. They call it Raccoon City, but that’s Toronto. Wikipedia says they have a population of 2.5 million, so there you go. The fucked up thing about this is that (as my amigo Kain pointed out) the game states that Raccoon City was a small mid-western town. 2.5 mill is not small, but fuck trying to call this movie on canon mistakes.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

The deaths seem to have gotten even more pathetic this go-around, but if I have to pick one, I’ll go with the Reporter Chick.

While searching a school for some little girl, Connie Chung gets trapped in a room full of children. If that wasn’t horrifying enough, they appear to be malnourished and in need of naps. The creepy little bastards attack the newswoman and proceed to feast on her insides like hungry children. At least I assume that’s what happens, ‘cuz they pan away from the gore.

[CHICKSWEAT AND FEMCHISMO]

The guys take backseat again, but at least this time we get a big breasted British chick who can’t act instead of a pissed off Mexican one that can’t. Alice teams up with Jill and together they form the duet of PG quality destruction!

Alice is still riding that fence to the finish line. Instead of having flashback fantasies of Rain, it is now of Matt, the other survivor from part one that no one cares about. He is, however, apparently the giant ugly fuck that chases her around in this one, so kudos for remembering him film-team. Anyways, combating her hetero flashbacks are the cold hard facts that she dresses like a biker-dike and fights with her fists closed. This one is a hard nut to crack. Thankfully, there is a part 3, so maybe the answer lies within that gem.

Then of course, there is Sienna, Ah….

As I mentioned above,  Jill joins the film by entering her apartment and we are left to assume, due to her attire, that she is getting back from a sexy night of clubbing (fucking) with other women. I feel I can safely jump to this conclusion, as Valentine is A. a female cop. B. acts like an alpha male. C. smokes with matches. D. cusses. E. knows what nuclear bomb yields are. F. has short hair. G. wears combat boots and H. owns a personal hand-cannon. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a lesbian. I will, however, admit that in my fantasies, she’s bi and together with Dina Meyer, we have a fuck-a-thon.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

More unnecessarily awkward nudity from Jovovich.

Her chest is like someone stretched a thin white cloth over the metal rings of a spiral notebook and glued pacifier nipples to it. It’s fucked up. And then there are topless zombie strippers. Need I say more?

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

It’s a sad state of affairs when Mike Epps is the best part of your movie. Really sad. But, thems the facts. Epps manages to not only score my favorite moment in the film, but also the one-liner (which happens to come first).

Driving down the street, Epps sees a zombie and floors the accelerator, slamming the car into the unfortunate dead-man.

“GTA, MUTHA FUCKA! Oh, yeah! 10 points!”

And then he crashes his car whilst looking at the aforementioned zombie titties. It’s so fucking cheesy and stupid, how could this not be the best part of the movie?

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Sienna Guillory should make mini-skirt cameos in every shitty movie, if for nothing else than to make my hobby of reviewing them just a little more enjoyable.

[THE CHECKLIST: 17 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse*
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[Resident Evil: Extinction]
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

*Better, there’s one in a church. And the church loses.

Resident Evil 2 02

My Bloody Valentine

Resident Evil: Survive The Ass

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Resident Evil (2002): Breakdown by Rantbo

Skinny Chick kicks a dog, shoots zombies and wears a dress. One of these she does well. You get three guesses as to which it is.

[THE EXECUTION]

I wouldn’t say I’m a BIG fan of the Resident Evil video game series, but I’ve played the main ones and I liked them all. I’ve just never been very good at the survival horror genre, so I usually prefer to watch a more skilled friend play, as I am mostly interested in just finding out what happens anyways. My point being, it was the characters, situations and story I was interested in, not the gameplay, which I found unnecessarily difficult and annoying. For instance, why wouldn’t they just let you kick the damn zombies out of the way? I’m a sluggish load and I could have survived in that mansion, just by kicking the zombies and using the ammunition to blow open all those fucking locked doors. I digress.

So, I was quite excited when I found out that the games were being adapted into a film. I figured, all the story and zombie killing [-] the repetitive item hunting [=] good times. But I forgot I’m bad at math.

I viewed the film, as I believe it was originally intended, as a prequel to the events of the first game. So while I was initially upset over the lack of familiar characters and mansion setting of the original story, it didn’t bug me so much with what they did. At least not in the first movie.

The story is simple and easy to follow, even for non-fans. Large commercial corporation secretly engineers bio-chemical weapons and experiments for shady government organizations. An outbreak within one of their secret underground facilities triggers the death of all those working inside. A team of corporate commandos is sent in to find out what happened. Much to their surprise, all the workers have turned into flesh craving zombies. Yay!

When I think Resident Evil, I think three things: puzzles, zombies and killing zombies to solve puzzles. Even though the brand of puzzles made famous in the games is highly un-cinematic, they did manage to work in the frantic gofer aspect without making the journey tedious. As for the zombies, the action is shot frantically and with far too much shaky cam. Just like most every other modern undead flick made recently. (DAWN OF THE DEAD remake excluded). So that’s a bummer. But at least there are a bunch of them and they stay true to the slow-walking, shit-for-brains, hard-to-kill flesh-eaters from the games. The score is fucking fantastic and co-provided by Marilyn Manson around the height of his fame. In interviews he claimed to actually enjoy composing more than his previous work and it shows in the final product. The score is catchy, creepy, atmospheric and arguably the best part of the film.

The problems begin with the fact that there is no Chris Redfield-like character. Milla’s Alice is OK, but they kill off the most badass guy a half hour in and he doesn’t even get to do down fighting, as the zombies don’t show up for another 10 minutes after his death. Which is another gripe. Forty minutes is WAY too long to have to wait for zombies to show up in a movie carrying the Resident Evil name.

The effects are heavily dated already and it proves that CG is a poor, poor, substitute for practical effects. The acting is shit, the gore is weak and even the story is paper-thin compared to the 12 year old video game it’s based on. And I initially liked this movie. I was either just stupid, in a really forgiving mood, or both. But, in any case, it’s not very good.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Milla Jovovich is Alice

She literally does NOTHING for the first 48 minutes. During the opening credits she loses her memory due to some kind of nerve gas or some such convenient bullshit, so she doesn’t start to realize her ass-kicking skills until she’s alone and forced to use them via muscle memory. After that she does wage a war on killer canines (all off-screen), quick-cut kung-fus some zombies and shoots a slow-motion cg bullet into a mutated licker that looks like an even worse version of the end creature from ALIEN RESURRECTION. All-in-all, she’s weaker than Paul W.S. Anderson’s film making skills. Well, almost.

[THE BODY COUNT: 508 AND A LICKER]

Hard to say exactly as almost everyone that dies comes back as a zombie, and those fuckers keep coming back. A ton of them get shot, but only a handful stay down. So, rather than count the zombies that actually remain dead, I’ll just go with counting their initial death. During the exposition dialogue, the head S.W.A.T. guy says that the facility had 500 staff members. So, there you go. The rest of the kills are attributed to those who ventured in after the biohazard. Four of them die within about 30 seconds of one-another by a laser grid, which gyps us of seeing them battle the undead. One is eaten (largely off screen), one get’s axed (off screen), one is grabbed and presumably killed (off screen) and one turns into a zombie and is shot.

[MOST SATISFYING RE-DEATH]

Most of the deaths are fucking cut-aways. Which is a technique that has been annoyingly popular these last 10 years. The shitty thing is, that this was shot with an R rating in mind. Why they didn’t bother going the whole nine with their conviction, I’ll never understand. But, there is one kinda funny/cool novelty death that I dug.

Trapped in a hallway with no place to go but up, that’s what Alice does. And she wraps her delicious stems around a lucky zombie’s head and snaps the fucker’s neck with the power of her creamy white thighs. What a way to go–again.

[CHICKSWEAT AND FEMCHISMO]

The film centers on two female characters, Alice and Rain. Rain is played by Michelle Rodriquez and as such, is clearly a dyke. And I think Alice is on the fence. She is shown in the backstory as having a relationship with a man, but it was only a cover set up by the corporation. Alice only knows Rain for a couple hours, but is visibly heartbroken when she is being taken by the virus. I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to think that if these two had escaped the facility together and in good health, they’d be living with each other on the west coast right now.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Milla exploits herself, if that counts. I dunno? But several times in the movie, we are given unnecessary shots of her nips and twat that just seemed odd and ill placed. But I’m sure it was her idea. She’s a weird one.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

The scene introducing Alice in the shower was sweet, but it was pretty much downhill from there. Which sucks, ‘cuz it happens in like the first 10 minutes.

The one-liner is actually pretty good:

“I’m missing you already.”

Alice says the line to the Human villain before (I assume) chopping off his head with an ax. I say assume, because they don’t show it happen, severely fucking up the potential badassitude of the scene.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

I forget. I’m pretty sure it had to do with Michelle Rodriguez being a shitty one-trick character actor, but I’m just not sure. Must be the nerve gas released by opening the DVD. Oh, and if you want to bag Milla Jovovich, direct her in a movie. Works every time.

[THE CHECKLIST: 12 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[  ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[X] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel*
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[  ] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[  ] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse**
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[Resident Evil: Apocalypse]
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

*The non-Alice survivor, Matt is strapped into a stretcher and taken away by what appear to be bio-chemist doctors, so I’ll allow it.

**Well, they use anti-virus injections to cure their T-Virus infections. That’s close enough to drugs for me.

I Feel A Need. A Need To Feed!

Rambo, First Blood: Episode IV – Rambo Lives For Something… Killing

The Truth About Rambo

RAMBO’S BACK… THIS TIME IT’S CLOTHED

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Rambo (2008): Breakdown by Rantbo

Rambo comes out of retirement to kill again, so that white christian women can continue to be foolhardy troublesome nitwits, without fear of being raped by brown people.

[THE EXECUTION]

Ah, FIRST BLOOD PART 4. Easily one of the best action films in the past 20 years. It’s also the first Rambo movie I was old enough to go see in the theater. It was a great experience. This is the first time since January of ‘08 that I’ve watched the entire film and to little surprise, I’m still blown away by it’s badassitude.

There’s no helicopter, Trautman, bare-chestedness or Frank Stallone, but RAMBO makes up for all this by being one of the most overtly violent movies ever made.

It seems Rambo has been spending the last couple decades sulking in a shithole Thailand river village, catching snakes and avoiding malaria. He’s on the verge of becoming a total washout. Thankfully though, a naïve blonde with a carebear heart gives him a necklace and looks at him as though he wasn’t a gorilla, giving Rambo the urge to better himself through a macabre massacre. It’s really quite romantic, when you think about it. And in the end, all it takes is the death of a few hundred people to make Rambo feel like an American again and come home to Arizona. We’re glad to have you back, buddy. Now, maybe you can help us with this pesky illegal alien problem…

As far as the politics, this time Rambo invades Burma, but only because Vietnam is still depleted of capable soldiers to be cannon fodder from the last time he was there. It also makes the point that christains and peace core hippies alike are all nonsensical babble with no bawls. They teach the word of the bible, but when god ignores their prayers, it’s stone-cold agnostic muscle that saves the day. And for all the faith the head crispy talks about having, he sure looked mighty scared when staring down the barrel of a gun. And it took little more than watching his buddy be crucified and fed to pigs* for him to compromise his precious virtues and kill or be killed. It makes a freethinking atheist like myself, for once, feel completely at home with a rightwing 80s style action film.

To me, this is easily THE most satisfying action flick since Reagan was in office and if you’re a fan of badass cinema, or even a man in general, you owe it to yourself to watch this movie.

*Even the Romans didn’t have the gall to feed Jesus to pigs after nailing his ass to the cross. These Burmese soldiers are a savage bunch.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

John Rambo

Sylvester Stallone is Still, John J. Rambo

With the death of Richard Crenna (RIP), there is no Col. Trautman, and subsequently no gratifying dialogue this time ‘round, so I am forced to do this section all by myself.

Even though Rambo has been in Thailand these last 20 years, he has kept in shape. And by that I mean, he’s been downing HGH in shot glasses. Fuck-almighty, he’s HUGE! This has to be the bulkiest Stallone has ever been. Has to be. The guys tits are bigger than Pam Andersons’. And with the side-effect of ‘roid shrunken huevos, Rambo has little else to do than keep busy with manly hobbies, such as: capturing cobra snakes with sticks, pounding on metal with a hammer and hunting fish. Note: I said ’hunting fish’ not fishing, because fishing involves poles, nets and traps and Rambo uses none of these things. Rambo uses a fucking bow and arrow. Fishing with Granddad will never be the same again.

On top of being a more macho version of Jeremiah Johnson in Asia, Rambo also manages to eventually rack up the highest body count of the entire series. Not only for himself, but for the film as a whole. And RAMBO has the shortest running time of all four. Talk about bang for your buck.

[THE BODY COUNT: APPROX. 226 PEOPLE, 3 DOGS AND 1 FISH]

Holy Fuck. Rambo himself makes up for his lack of gay by killing a whopping 81 Asians, 2 dogs and a fish. It’s an orgy of blood. Body parts rain from the sky and thick ropes of blood and gore fly through the air like Spider-Man’s webbing. It’s glorious. And that’s just Rambo. Team Mercenary and Team The Rebels rack up an estimated additional 43 filthy Burmese scum, and even the non-violence-preaching christian doctor smashes a guy’s head in with a rock. Goooooo TEAM!

Rambo Attempts Stealth

Not to be outdone (and they aren’t) is Team Genocide. The evil Burmese soldiers slaughter an estimated 101 men, women and children. Most of whom are defenseless, crippled and innocent of any crime against the army. “They even killed the dogs”*. Fucking Hell.

For shits and giggles I added up all of Rambo’s confirmed kills for the first four films:
1 Chicken, 1 Fish, 1 Warthog, 5 Dogs and 288 Men. I’m not sure, but I think that’s more lives taken than by syphilis.

*1 confirmed.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

While the disembowelment of General Rapeskids is highly satisfying, it comes after one of the most gory sequences ever shot, thus leaving me desensitized a bit. I must have already cum a dozen times or so before his death, needless to say, I was pretty wargasmed out. So, I’ll be going with Rambo tearing the would-be white woman rapist’s throat out with his bare hand.

Pain In The Neck

Rambo sneaks up on the poor bastard right as he is whipping out his 2 inches of hard dick to show Julie Benz. Thankfully, Rambo saves her virgin eyes the terror, just in time. Rambo eagle claws the little bastard’s neck, Dalton-Style and lets his fingers, ever-so-painfully sink-in, crushing the guy’s larynx, before ripping out the whole front of his neck. It’s fucking awesome.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Unfortunately, Rambo discredits many of his formerly gay ways. Like a fat kid at the pool, Rambo refuses to remove his shirt, even once. He has also clearly stopped seeing his hairstylist. And the only time he touches other men is to end them in an incredibly grisly manner or to threaten them that he will, if they give him any shit.  All these years of not killing have turned my lord and savior homosexually celibate. It’s a god damn tragedy of no-war.

All hope is not lost though as, in a way, you could say that everything Rambo does in this picture is to keep Julie Benz from being raped (having sex). Hey, if aging white American beefcakes can’t(won’t) have sex with American women, NO ONE CAN! BAM BAM BAM BABABABABABA BAM BAM BAM!!!

Like I mentioned above, I believe Rambo’s return to death and carnage is a metaphorical release of his pent-up homoerotic urges. Yes sir, every bullet Rambo sends shredding through another man, is one load of abstinent man-chowder that has been wasting away within his wrinkled war-torn ball sack these past twenty years.

Also,  his knife has grown another 2 or so feet. The only word that comes to mind when thinking of him using it on another man: Wreckage.

I should also mention that Stallone made the villain of the picture a homosexual pedophile rapist.

General Pederast

As if participating in genocide wasn’t enough.  But when it comes to raping kids, the question as to what sex they are, kinda becomes irrelevant. I don’t think the first word of slander against such a man would be “Faggot!”.

The kid does walk away from the off-screen ordeal, with nary-a-limp, but when you’re bleeding from the ass, I have to assume that any other pains become secondary thought registries. But don’t worry too much, my potentially queasy readers, Rambo shows this scum what it’s like to have ones’ belly penetrated by another man. Needless to say, I don’t think General Pederast will be diddling anymore village boys in the future.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

More than all previous films combined. Though, it’s not nearly as fun to talk about. Most of the content is rape and humiliation at the hands of a filth-covered army of 4 foot hellions. Village girls are kidnapped, tortured, kept in cages and raped by dozens of soldiers. It’s not pretty, and I don’t really feel like trying to think up jokes about it. The fact that this shit is actually going on as I type this, kinda kills my funny bone.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Doesn’t get much more epic than the last twenty minutes. I’m not going to spoil it, you just need to watch.

Need A Light?

As Rambo only has about 5 or so lines in the movie, I am quite grateful that one of them happens to be the following…

“You know where you are? (in the jungle, baby!?) What you’re made of. War is in your blood–don’t fight it. You didn’t kill for your country–you killed for yourself. The gods are never going to make that go away. When you’re pushed–killin’s as easy as breathing.”

Rambo says this shit in self-monologue, to amp himself up for all the killing that needs to be done. And he says it while he’s forging himself a giant machete. It doesn’t get better than this, folks.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Even the most vehemently pacifist christian will kill, if it means his ass. And Julie Benz–WHAY hotter as a brunette.

A Message Film

[THE STALLOWNAGE OF SLY: 4 outta 5]

[  ] Frank Stallone/Frank Stallone-esque Inspirational Music
[X] Incapacitates or Kills Someone With His Body
[X] Shows Off Buffness
[X] Social Outcast [Underdog, Has Been, etc]
[X] Sweaty, Veiny Yelling

[THE CHECKLIST: 14 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[  ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage*
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)**
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

*This time it’s in the form of a nightmare flashback sequence, featuring the scrapped original ending to FIRST BLOOD where Rambo dies.
**No, but there is an entire group of dumb-ass christians that think they are above Rambo’s status. But they learn, oh how they learn.

Ramblosion!

“Fuck The World”

Ghostbusters II: The Secret Of The Ooze

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Ghostbusters II (1989): Breakdown by Kain424

Same story, different villain.

[THE EXECUTION]

Ghostbusters II is usually considered to be the lesser of two fun films, and I am in agreement.  It’s not a bad follow-up, but it does suffer from sequelitis.  The story is essentially a retread, and much of the film refuses to give the audience what they want: The Ghostbusters.  Until the end of the film, there are almost no moments where all four of the guys are in the same scene together.  This is a real shame, as it is obvious when the group is together that the magic is still there.  I just wish there were more moments like that.

There is clearly more of a budget here, with everything looking more crisp and there being far more effects shots.  And looking at the car now, as compared to earlier, we can see what is perhaps the best metaphor for the film:

There is a lot attached.  Ghostbusters II does allow for a lot of fan service, throwing in Slimer the ghost, Sigourney Weaver the love interest, and even the mayor from the first film.  It’s not necessary, but I’m glad they’re all there.  The fact that they managed to get all the main cast back is awesome.  William Atherton isn’t in here, but fellow Die Hard alumni Mary Trainor is, so that’s just as good.  Also, we get one of the terrorists from Die Hard, Wilhelm Von Homberg, as this film’s main villain.

The tone of the film, however, causes the film to sag a bit. They’ve decided to make the movie more family friendly, so there is no smoking, the language is toned down, and children are all over this film.  This is a shame, because one of the things that worked so well with the first film was that it had layered jokes, for adults and children.  It worked for both.  While this one does feature a few adult moments, it is clearly more family-centric.  Still, there are a lot of scary themes and moments to help keep the film going, and the cast has enough chemistry that you almost forget.

I do, however, find the villain fairly weak, and the fact that they play him off as a joke for much of the film doesn’t help.  Gozer was built up over time and scary, but Vigo ends up the butt of so many gags the final confrontation just sort of leaves you shrugging.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

ghostbustersII

Harold Ramis is Dr. Egon Spengler, Bill Murray is Dr. Peter Venkman, Dan Aykroyd is Dr. Raymond Stantz and Ernie Hudson is Winston Zeddmore

They’re still the Ghostbusters, so that’s pretty bad-ass.  Like I said though, the main problem is they just don’t share enough time together.  There are sometimes only two or three of them, but rarely all four.  Why is Winston not present at the construction worker scene?  Where the hell did he go during the court room scene?

[THE BODY COUNT: ZERO]

Once again, the film is scant with deaths.  You might be able to argue that Vigo’s weird ghost-head exploded and thus, he died, but I would counter that he was already dead and it was his ghostly spirit just trying to come back.  It was the gateway that was destroyed, not him.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

“It’s the Scolari brothers!”

As the film begins, we find out the Ghostbusters were sued after the events of the last movie, the mayor ditched out on paying them, and they’ve resorted, each one, to some lower form of income.  For almost thirty minutes, we watch as one bad thing after another happens to them, with the team finally ending up in court.  The judge hands down a heavy sentence, but then two ten-foot high, full-torso apparitions appear and attack the court room.  Only the three Ghostbusters in the room can deal with them and they do just that, ringing them in with their awesome proton packs, and trapping them.

“Two in the box!”

“Ready to go!”

“We be fast and they be slow!”

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

The team is still the team, with Egon still being an Egon, but there’s not much gay.  There might be something with Ray and Winston, as they seem to hang out a lot, but it’s just not all that close to what we can definitely call man-love.  Even the fruitiest of the film’s characters, Janosz, has the hots for Sigourney Weaver’s Dana.

There is, however, a touching scene at the end of the film where Ray tells Janosz that he loves him, and they both embrace, all the while covered head to toe in a slimy, pink ooze.  Eww.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Not a lot here.  Dana is shown as an independent, single mother and Jeanine is almost predatory in her advances on Rick Moranis’s Lewis Tully.  Sigourney looks great, but I’m gonna have to say it’s not very misogynistic.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

In the court room scene, the prosecutor has Bill Murray on the stand.  She asks him, “So, you’re saying that the supernatural is your exclusive province?”

Peter responds, with epic coolness, “Kitten, I think what I’m saying, is that sometimes, shit happens, someone has to deal with it, and who ya gonna call”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

It’s gonna take the end of the world for New Yorkers to finally get along.

[THE CHECKLIST: 14 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[X] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[  ] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[  ] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[  ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[X] Tis The Season [Christmas]
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[GHOSTBUSTERS: THE VIDEOGAME]
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Peter Is Pointing At Egon’s Epididymis

Live Free or Under Siege

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995): Breakdown by Rantbo

Die Hard on a train. Casey Ryback returns to kill terrorists on a cross-country family trip.

[THE EXECUTION]

Seagal uses his nurturing skills learned by babysitting Miss July ‘89 to take his recently orphaned niece on a train ride through the mid-northwest. He’s doing this because brother has recently died in a plane crash, that oddly enough, wasn’t caused by a terrorist attack–so far as we know. But just when you think that this movie will bore you to death with uninteresting non-neck-snapping family bullshit, the action kicks in. And it doesn’t stop.

Of all the Die Hard knock-offs, this is near the top of the list of well-done ones. In fact, when compared to an actual Die Hard movie, LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD, it’s much better. And it’s practically the same story:

Technologically inclined computer whiz designs high-tech equipment for shady government organization, gets shit-canned and then uses his talents to make a shit load of money under guise of terrorizing the stooges that let him go. Sound a little like Olyphantastic and Die Hard 4? How sad is it that FOX had to rip-off a 12 year old movie that was a rip-off of one of their own? From the same series, no less!

However, the way the plot carried out in UNDER SIEGE 2 is quite different from LFODH, in that it’s done really well. It’s a hard R, older school (I say older, because there was still WAY too much 90s CG shit going on) action flick, with tons of gory kills and a villain with Hans Gruber like charisma.

Eric Bogosian is Travis Dane.

Check out the monologue he gives right after commandeering the train:

Dane: “Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your captor speaking. There’s been a slight change in your travel plans tonight. You have, you will note, been moved to the last two cars of the train for your own well being. First, I’d like to call your attention to the highly trained men, with the automatic weapons in your cars. In the event of an emergency, they may be called upon to shoot you. Your safety is our primary concern. However, if you try anything stupid, federal regulations require that I kill you. So, please, no hero shit.”

Thankfully, Seagal does not comply.

The movie is not perfect, though. As I mentioned above, the mid-90s CG craze, combined with too much green screen, took away from some of the more practical bare-knuckled grit of earlier Seagal vehicles. I for one would much rather watch Seagal pound on a guy than his stunt-double jumping in front of non-existent explosions. But this film still has plenty of the former.

But I can’t forgive them for Ryback’s new sidekick, Boddy Zachs. Think Argyle, but only much more cocky and working side-by-side the McClane. Groan. But, in the end, this is still a very solid action flick and I sincerely hope that one of these days the right amount of money will exchange hands and allow for us to see Ryback back in action for UNDER SIEGE III: THE COOK OFF. And with Ryback being a chef, they’d have the perfect excuse as to why Seagal has gotten so fat! This so needs to happen.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Steven Seagal is Casey Fucking Ryback

“You know what this is? This is a Navy Cross. It’s awarded for bravery… My Uncle Casey’s got two of them! And he’s got medals at home that are so secret he can never show them to anybody… I guess he’s a hero.”

“Casey–fucking–Ryback!?”
“Jesus Christ.”
“Who’s Casey–fucking–Ryback?”
“Casey Ryback’s a former SEAL Team captain, a counter-terrorist expert.”
“He’s the best there is.”

“Oh, shit! You definitely a bad mutha fucka.”

“You know, I’ve never been afraid of anybody. But that Uncle of yours scares me. And I like it!”

This time around, Seagal plays Ryback with a lot less humor and dialogue. He instead prefers to look stoic and pissed at everything, trumping around the train cars squinting like Eastwood and sneering. The DTV Seagal has taken root. Oh, and to reiterate once again, Ryback is still Steven Seagal.

[THE BODY COUNT: A CONSERVATIVELY ESTIMATED 2,150]

Lawd have mercy, there are a BUNCH of great kills in this one. Seagal himself takes out less people, but he’s quite a bit more violent about it how. And you have to give him a little slack as he is in a limited space scenario. And he still gets a very impressive 24, and considering the manner in which he disposes of them, I’d say the body count this time is slightly more satisfying than part one, so that’s a bonus. Seagal’s sidekick also scores some points and along with a couple rando deaths, adds another 5 to team Ryback.

Twenty nine kills does not, however, come close to the estimated 2,117 kills team Da Bad Guys, rack up. The 17 is the count I got from innocent bystanders, military personnel and friendly fire. The 100 comes from a large passenger plane that Dane has blasted out of the sky and the other two-thousand is a low-ball estimate of how many will die from the initial explosion and fallout of a Chinese bomb-making plant that he eviscerates.  So, even being extremely conservative, the bad guys whipped some ass this time.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Have to go with the best overkill, which also happens to be the main villain. Bonus. A few minutes before the sappy song and credits play, Seagal shoots Dane in the gut through his laptop, which sends him falling out of the runaway train. But that’s not all. Not even close. Much like in a horror film, just when you think Seagal has gotten away to safety, Dane comes outta nowhere and grabs on to Seagal’s leg as he is climbing a rope ladder into a helicopter. Dane follows him up to the chopper door, but Ryback sends him on a one-way bullet train to Hell by slamming the side-door to the aircraft, cutting off all Dane’s fingers and sending him into the blazing inferno that was the passenger train.

He screams Ryback’s name all the way down. Awesome.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

I got nothing. I could try to misconstrue the knife-fight between Seagal and Penn, but it would be grasping at straws. This film is simply not gay. Seagal proves yet again that his characters have little to no interest in sex—at least, while the camera’s are rolling…

Proving Seagal’s badassness, when he breaks his vow of abstinence, he does so on the razors edge of social acceptance.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

The government launches a global satellite equipped with an elite 18 megajoule multiple burst particle beam weapon and the first thing they use it for is to scope out the fake tits on a beach bimbo.

Casey’s niece is captured by the bad guys and used for leverage, but she is represented as a strong-willed young woman, who is willing to die to protect others. So, I can’t count that. Shit.

There is a Female Bad Guy that Knock-Off Argyle sends flying out the door of a chopper, but she was kicking his ass and the only reason he won was because he used a move shown to him by another woman–scuse me, another girl. So, there’s nothing outside of the obligatory tit shot that I can think of. Looking back now, I’m not sure why the Hell I thought this was such a good action movie. What with no gay undertones or hatin’ on women…

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

You know right away that Seagal and the Penultimate Villain, Marcus Penn are destined to show-down and the end result doesn’t disappoint. After threatening Seagal’s niece and forcing Seagal to disarm, Penn shows a bit of honor and decides to battle Seagal, mano-a-mano. Big mistake. There’s one moment when Penn actually connects a kick, but Seagal is back on his feet in about 2 seconds. Other than that, it’s a home-team shut-out. Seagal bludgeons the big bad commando and leaves him with a broken neck on the floor of a filth covered galley.

“Nobody beats me in the kitchen.”

It’s the first and last time that Seagal references his day job while killing and it just begged to be done more often. Like after he blows up two guys with a makeshift bomb, “Now we’re cooking with fire!” Or after he pulls off one of his many limb-snaps, “Can’t stop global terrorism without breaking a few legs!” Or have him fight a guy with an egg-beater and after knocking him out say, “Whipped his ass!” Or how about after punching a guy in the throat, “You want fries with that?”  and then have the guy look at him all WFT? And Seagal jabs both of his eyes out. With fries. Stuff like that.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

No body beats Seagal in the kitchen–or the passenger car, or the luggage car, or the locomotive, or the caboose, or on-top of the train, or in a helicopter, or hanging off the side of a cliff, or…

[THE SYMPTOMS OF SEAGAL: 3 outta 5]

[X] Background With Government Organization
[X] Performs An Overkill
[X] Snaps A Bad Guy’s Appendage
[  ] Speaks Another Language
[  ] Sports a Ponytail

[THE CHECKLIST: 16 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor” [Seagal]
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Assumption. The mother of all fuckups.

Apparition Incarcerators Just Didn’t Have The Same Ring To It…

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Ghost Busters (1984): Breakdown by Rantbo

An Egg-head, a Buffoon, a Smart-Ass and a Man For Hire take on legions of the undead.

[THE EXECUTION]

Now, I admit that it is most definitely a stretch including GHOST BUSTERS in our ACTION Breakdowns. The film’s plot is driven by comedic and spooky situations as opposed to action ones, but there is a certain level of adventure contained within as well, that I can’t help but exploit for the purpose of including this modern classic as part of our review collection. That said, here goes…

I was born in February of 1983. A little over one year later, GHOST BUSTERS was released in theaters. Understandably, my memory is a little bit hazy, but I relatively sure that summer, I became a first time fanatic. Before there were the Ninja Turtles, ThunderCats and The X-Men Animated Series, there was the Ghost Busters. I don’t know anyone from my generation that didn’t at one point want to be one (I still do). These guys were the coolest. I adored the movie, I collected the toys and I obsessed over the cartoon. And this before I even understood most of the dialogue jokes and adult humor that made the movie such huge success. All I new was, there are ghosts and demon dogs and a group of guys with laser guns that would show up and blast the shit out of them. It doesn’t take much more than that concept to appeal to a child of the 80s.

As I said, the story is genius in its simplicity. A trio of eccentric pseudo-scientists lose their positions at NYU and decide to go into business for themselves as paranormal investigators/exterminators. Zany situations, witty dialogue and general hilarity ensue.  In my opinion, this is one of the finest movies ever made. It is clever, spooky, funny (scratch that, VERY FUNNY) and an incredibly well written action adventure. It’s the perfect all-around crowd pleaser. People who don’t enjoy GHOST BUSTERS, don’t understand the magic of cinema. If that’s not an endorsement for this movie, I don’t know what is. It’s a must-see.

As an added Action Fan bonus, two of the Ghost Buster alumni would go on to be in one of the greatest action films of all time…

In closing, it’s personal story time! Again, my memory is fuzzy, as I was under 10 years old, but I’m pretty sure it was this movie that gave me my first sexual interest in the female anatomy…

I remember thinking that those odd hands grabbing her in such a way was—odd, yet strangely satisfying. I’m sure I never worked it out why (back then), but there you go. Like I said, I’m not positive that it was this scene to give me the first of a million boners, but I’m positive that it was either Sigourney and the puppet hands of breast groping doom, or the scene in NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3 where Freddy tricks the horny kid Joey into capture by disguising himself as the hot nurse and showing him her tits. Either way, both still work like a charm, I’m proud to say.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Harold Ramis is Dr. Egon Spengler, Bill Murray is Dr. Peter Venkman, Ernie Hudson is Winston Zeddmore and Dan Aykroyd is Dr. Raymond Stantz.

Egon is the Brain, Ray is the Heart, Peter is the Mouth and Winston is the Backbone, and when combined they make up one of the greatest ensemble casts of all time. Who ya gonna call?

The Ghost Busters are essentially guns for hire whom are clumsy, selfish, goofballs that often behave cowardly and whose heroic deeds often occur in pure coincidence with mostly guesswork and luck. But I love them. There is logic, science, heart and caring behind their work, but it takes a backseat to fortune, fame and clearing their “good” name. Yet they get the job done and if you’re not rooting for them to succeed, I believe your soul just might have been busted. It’s not so much a matter of how badass these guys are (though they are) it’s more about how they come together as a team and save the world from destruction when no one else can that makes them such iconic heroes.

[THE BODY COUNT: ZERO]

Nobody dies, but there are quite a few dead people floating around. That has to count for something right? And don’t say Mr. Stay Puft. He was just the embodiment of the force that was sent back through the portal when the guys crossed the streams. Plus, he’s made of marshmallow. Marshmallow Men don’t count.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

The Ghost Busters vs. The Sedgewick Hotel

“Let’s split up.”
“Yeah, we can do more damage that way.”

The guys’ first job turns into a symphony of destruction and chaos; through ineptitude, excitement and an apathetic approach to property destruction. It’s great. The three doctors trash an entire floor of the hotel AND a giant ballroom, all to trap a stout little booger of a ghost. Slimer.

“Ugly little spud, isn’t he?”

After trashing the ghost’s camp, and blasting everything in sight, the Ghost Busters finally bag their first phantasm. Yes, they came, they saw, they KICKED IT’S ASS!

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

All the guys seem to be pretty straight. Venkman is a total hounddog for gorgeous women (and subsequently dogs), Ray has dreams about fucking female spirits and as for Winston, other than Schwarzenegger, no gay would be seen in flannel smoking a stogie. And then there’s Egon.

Well, he’s not straight as he shows absolutely no interest in Jeanine (a total  babe that clearly wants Spengler’s ectoplasm in and around her ecto-containment unit), but I’m not willing to say he’s gay either. I wouldn’t even call him asexual—he’s just, Egon.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Well, Venkman is about as misogynistic as you can get. At the beginning of the film he performs a shock experiment unfairly to a male student, to gain favor with a female one, whom he then tries to set up a date with. I mentioned that she’s a student right?

Later when he’s a Ghost Buster, he only takes interest in his work when it involves the opportunity to hit on women outside of his league. Though when given the opportunity to bang a possessed Sigourney Weaver, he passes in good taste. So, he’s not a total pig. Shucks.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

“It’s the Stay Puft Marshmallow-Man.”

How could it not be? It’s such a wacky moment in an already weird-ass movie, but for some reason it works so effectively. When that big fluffy sailor stepped into frame,  it became a defining moment in my childhood film watching life-journey. I was an instant fanatic. Puft trumps through the city with total disregard for safety to the people and cars below him, smashes a church (+100 awesome points there) and climbs a defies further logic by scaling a skyscraper with nothing but his stubby-chubby marshmallow fingers for leverage. And I seriously felt bad for him when the Busters lit his face on fire. He looked so sad. Poor guy.

There are so, so, so many great lines in the movie. The entire film is quotable, so it almost seems unfair to pick just one. But since this is for an Action Breakdown, I’ll go with the classic badass line from the team’s resident smart-ass.

Venkman: “All right, let’s show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown!”

Though my personal favorite bit of dialogue is the following…

Dr. Egon Spengler: “Vinz, you said before you were waiting for a sign. What sign are you waiting for?”

Louis: “Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Bustin’ makes me feel good.

[THE CHECKLIST: 14 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[X] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse*
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[Proton Packs]
[  ] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[ECTO 1]
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property**
[ ] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[   ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[Ghostbusters II]
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

*Close, there’s a ballroom AND a fire station.
**”The flowers are STILL standing!”

“It’s Mill-A Time!”

Enta Da Dlagon

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Enter The Dragon (1973): Breakdown by Rantbo

Bruce Lee enters a fighting tournament, waxes philosophical and pwnes max bitches.

[THE EXECUTION]

Bruce Lee’s masterpiece (though I think WAY OF THE DRAGON is better) is just that. Pretty much. This film is considered by many to be the defining martial arts film. And though I think there are movies out there with more skill and grace, ENTER THE DRAGON is no shit sandwich.

Man is invited to an island, goes there, fights dozens of other men, fights man who invited him, credits. There is some other stuff in there about revenge, some mistreated slave women and Black-Belt Jones and Nancy’s Dad from A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET are thrown into the mix for some reason I forget, but it doesn’t matter. This film was made to showcase Lee’s talents and it does just that, and to a very entertaining and enjoyable degree.

This premise has been ripped off more than DIE HARD and for a good reason, it’s an amazingly simple and entertaining story, with compelling characters, stellar cinematography and kick-ass brutal fight sequences. At least 80 of them. Sometimes it truly is the simple things in life that make it worth watching on television.

There’s only one aspect of the film that irritates me and it really doesn’t have to do with the film itself, per say. It’s the audio. Awful. The dub is just like every other dub I’ve seen/been forced to listened to, terrible. I’d love to watch the film with the original track, but I doubt if it even exists anymore. In typical bullshit ‘appease the un-educated nimrod’ fashion the original language is compromised for ridiculous voice-actors, so Americans don’t have to read. When I see an 80 yr/old Chinese man, the voice I imagine him having isn’t Lando Calrissian’s, OK? I want him to sound like a dried up old Asian fart, not a sexy black man.

There really isn’t that much more I need to say on the subject, aside from my personal qualms with the shitty ADR, this film is a classic that solidified the genre as a bankable mainstay in modern cinema and it still holds up almost 40 years later.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Bruce Lee is Lee. “Huh, human fly!”

Not too original on the name, but it doesn’t have to be. In fact, I’ve always thought that martial artist actors should go by their own names, as they’re practically playing a variation of themselves anyways, so why bullshit? Bruce knew the score. We’re watching this movie to see Bruce Lee beat the shit out of less talented stunt-men. Period.

This section is pretty simple, as Lee is Bruce Lee. Arguably the first Action Hero Actor. There was Sean Connery before him, but James Bond was a character and Sean wasn’t much of a go-to action guy until the 80s and even then, not much of one. But Lee was a fucking star. If he made a movie, it was sure to kick ass. And ENTER THE DRAGON was no exception. He has so many moments of pure macho awesomeness within this film, if I were to type them all out, the list would be just shy of the screenplay. Check this one out to view the full glory of his badassitude, you won’t be disappointed. I myself, had a boner for 12 straight hours after watching it. That’s right, Bruce Lee even kicks Viagra’s ass, from the grave.

[THE BODY COUNT: EREVEN]

Not very high, but the fight/death ratio is 1 to 10, so this flick is still pretty action-packed. Both sides, good and bad, rack up 5 kills and the final goes to Lee’s sister via Hari Kari. Bruce does pull off two kills via his special jump-in-the-air-land-both-feet-on-the-opponents-face-and-twist move, so that’s pretty awesome, and the main bad guy Han annihilates Black-Belt Jones with his metal bitch-fist. But the rest of the kills are pretty low-key beat-downs that go a little too far. Though most are delivered by the massive hands of Bolo Yeung, so bonus awesome points there…

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]

Few asskickings can ever hope to reach the level of pure ownage that Lee exhibits against Oharra, the penultimate villain. The fight is so one-sided, it’s not even close to being fair. With the knowledge that Oharra was the catalyst behind his sister’s suicide, Lee holds back nothing and within a minute and a half, humiliates, bludgeons and fucking kills the 6′2 Chuck Norris clone, all with his skinny little Asian legs and chicken gobbling screams.

It’s a massacre and I loved every second of it.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

The film opens with Lee wrestling a tubby dude, both men wearing matching black speedos.

That’s pretty fruity. And Bruce Lee spends a good half of the film shirtless, more ripped than Jesus. Other than that though, this film is pretty hetero. Lee is too busy fighting off hordes of weaker men to take notice in sex, gay or straight. And as for the other two “good guys”, when they get down, it’s always with feminine-looking women. It’s kind of a bummer, but again, there are so many fights, you barely notice the lack of man-on-man intimacy.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

The entire reason that Lee is sent on his mission to fuck people up, is because the main baddie Han is keeping hoes jacked up and using them like shake and bake bags. So, in a way, the entire plot revolves around the mistreatment of women.

Plus, once on the island, the contestants are allowed nightly to choose up to 4 bitches from a line-up to make sexy-time with. Black-Belt Jones himself is never with less than three. And these guys are the heroes of the picture.

Also, a team of about 10 men gang up on Lee’s sister in the backstory and even though she fights them gallantly, she ends up cornered and commits seppuku with a chunk of window glass. I’m not sure whether this constitutes more on the side of misogyny or women kicking ass… On one hand a group of ten men gang up on a girl, beat her and chase her down to turn her into a drug-addicted whore, and on the other, she fights them off amazingly well and rather than let the men win, she sacrifices herself for honor. Tough call. One I don’t think, as a man, I could make. Ladies?

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Lee is confronted at the opening ceremonies…

Sheepish Guard: “Mr. Lee! Why you no wear uniform!?”
Lee: “…”

Stares him down, cold. The guy tucks his chin back like a dog tucks its tail and walks off, probably to cry. This is easily one of THE most badass moments I’ve ever seen in a movie.

As for the one-liner…

Oharra enters the fighting ring and the cocksure buffoon brings a board with him, throws it in the air and smashes it with his fist to intimidate Lee. It doesn’t work.

Lee: Boards don’t hit back.

And then Lee destroys him. Flawless Victory—Fatality.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Bruce Lee could have single-handedly conquered Sparta at the height of it’s power. And Bolo is forever Young. Seriously, Bolo never aged after this film. It’s fucking weird. They guy is like the Asian Gene Hackman, or something.

[THE CHECKLIST: 11 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[  ] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[Bolo Yeung]
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[  ] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[  ] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[  ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)*
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

*I’m not completely sure, as it all depends on if Black-Belt died before or after the bad guys chained him up to be dipped in the spooky cauldron of mystery death-liquid. Han talks about how he had some questions to be answered, but never mentions if the inquisition went beyond the initial fight. But, whatever, the beat down was torture enough to justify the point.

Whoo Ta, Bitches!