Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever (2002): Body Count Breakdown

Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever (2002): BodyCount Breakdown by ArnoldVoslooT800)
(Previously by Gregglop09)

[CHARACTER KILLS]

Agent Sever (Lucy Liu): 40
Agent Ecks (Antoino Banderas): 21

[CORPSE BREAKDOWN]

Kidnapping: 4
Sever blows up 2 guys in car
Sever breaks 2 guy’s neck with her legs

Betrayal: 1
Agent is killed by gun backfiring

S.W.A.T. Street Fight:6
Sever shoots 2 guys on a rooftop
Sever then twirls around and shoots two others
Sever shoots a guy off a tower to his death with a grenade launcher
Sever shoots FBI Agent Julio Martin when he spots her in the crowd

Bus: 2
Sever blows up 2 people on the prison bus

Chase: 6
Sever blows up 2 agents in SUV
Sever causes 2 cars to crash, killing 4 agents

Trainyard: 34
Ecks kills 21 bad guys via shotgun, assault rifles and trip mine tampering
Sever kills 13 bad guys using twin uzis and various other heavy fire machinery

Final Showdown: 5
Sever shoots one and then kills two others by firing at the electrical circuit, making it hit nearby water, frying the bastards
Sever breaks Ross’ neck
Sever kills Gant by injecting him with the nano device launched into his heart

[THE FINAL TALLY= 58]

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (2009): Body Count Breakdown

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (2009): Body Count by Rorschach94

[CHARACTER KILLS]

Ryder (John Travolta): 3
Walter Garber (Denzel Washington): 1
Bashkim (Victor Gojcaj): 1

[CORPSE BREAKDOWN]

Taking Over the Train: 1
-1 cop shot by Bashkim

Hostages: 2
-Ryder kills 1 hostage
-Ryder shoots Wallace

Sniper: 1
-Sniper accidentally shoots Phil Ramos

Escape: 2
-Ryder’s two henchmen killed by cops

Finale: 1

-Garber kills Ryder

[THE FINAL TALLY = 7]

The Taking of Pelham One Two Three (1974): Body Count Breakdown

The Taking of Pelham One Two Three (1974): Body Count by Rorschach94

[CHARACTER KILLS]

Mr. Blue (Robert Shaw): 3
Mr. Grey (Hector Elizondo): 1

[CORPSE BREAKDOWN]

Subway Worker: 1
-1 subway worker shot by Mr. Grey

Hostage: 1
-Mr. Blue shoots 1 hostage

Ending: 3
-Mr. Blue shoots Mr. Grey
-Cop shoots Mr. Brown
-Mr. Blue kills himself by touching electrified train tracks

[THE FINAL TALLY = 5]

Mutant Chronicles (2008): Body Count Breakdown

Mutant Chronicles (2008): Body Count by Rorschach94

[CHARACTER KILLS]

Corporal Juba Kim Wu (Tom Wu): 24
Lieutenant Maximilian Von Steiner (Benno Furmann): 22
Severian (Anna Walton): 22
Major Mitch Hunter (Thomas Jane): 17
Corporal Valerie Duval (Devon Aoki): 15
Corporal Jesus de Barrera (Luis Echegaray): 14
Captain Nathanial Rooker (Sean Pertwee): 13
Brother Samuel (Ron Perlman): 7

[CORPSE BREAKDOWN]

Opening Battle Sequence: 62
-1 soldier blown up
-1 soldier dies from previous wounds
-1 soldier’s corpse seen
-5 tanks blown up, at least 6 people seen boarding each one, + a pilot for each 1 = 35 kills
-10 soldiers killed (Shot or blown up)
-3 soldiers killed by poisonous gas
-1 soldier shot through face
-Hunter kills 1 soldier
-7 more soldiers killed (Shot or blown up)
-Captain Rooker kills 1 soldier

Mutants Arrive: 39

-Mutants kill 2 soldiers
-2 additional bodies shown
-Mutants kill 3 more soldiers
-1 body shown in the water, 3 other bodies shown in the field
-Mutants kill 14 more soldiers
-Soldiers kill 2 mutants
-Hunter kills 1 mutant
-Captain Rooker kills 11 mutants

The City: 47

-1 mutant killed by soldiers
-8 soldiers killed by mutants
-3 people shot by soldiers
-Ship crashes, killing the 5 people shown inside, + the pilot and copilot
-The crashing ship crushes at least 27 people

Monastery: 1

-Severian kills 1 mutant

Airship Crash: 8
-Gunman/copilot killed by mutants
-2 coal shovelers are killed by burning coal
-3 people shown being burnt alive in the main hull
-The pilot dies in the crash
-Captain McGuire is mortally wounded and kills himself with a grenade

City Ruins: 2
-Corrupt soldier kills 1 civilian
-Hunter kills 1 corrupt soldier

Elevator Shaft: 45

-Hunter kills 1 mutant (By lighting it on fire and slicing it’s head off)
-Corporal Wu kills 11 mutants
-Hunter kills 8 mutants
-Corporal Barrera kills 3 mutants
-Steiner kills 6 mutants
-Barrera kills 2 more mutants
-Corporal Duval kills 1 mutant
-Corporal Wu stabs 1 mutant in the elavator
-Corporal Wu causes the elevator to crash, killing himself and 6 mutants
-Wu releases grenade, killing 5 more mutants

Old Friends: 7
-Hunter kills 1 mutant
-Hunter kills Captain Rooker
-5 soldier solider corpses definatley seen
-Dozens of others shown being dragged away, but it was impossible to see who was alive and who was dead

Things Go Wrong: 40

-Steiner kills 9 mutants
-Duval kills 2 mutants
-Barrera kills 5 mutants
-Brother Samuel kills 5 mutants
-Severian kills 7 mutants
-Barrera accidentally blows up himself and 3 mutants, all counted as his kills
-Severian kills 6 more mutants
-Samuel kills 1 more mutant
-Hunter kills 1 mutant

The Core: 34
-1 soldier corpse seen
-Severian blows up 1 mutant
-Steiner kills himself and 7 mutants
-Valerie kills 11 mutants
-Severian kills 7 mutants
-2 mutants killed by rotating fire bridge
-Valerie killed by mutants
-Brother Samuel mutant kills Severian
-Hunter shoots 1 mutant
-Hunter kills Brother Samuel mutant

[THE UNCONFIRMED AND UNCOUNTED]

As mentioned earlier, there were dozens more soldiers being dragged away, but it was impossible to tell if they were dead or alive, as Captain Rooker was still alive. There were also tons of other deaths in the city airship crash, but you could only see the 5 inside. Constantine was also killed, but it was offscreen, so it can’t be counted as a kill. Most of the world’s population is also wiped out by the mutant plague.

[THE FINAL TALLY = 285] (155 Humans, 130 Mutants)

Transformers (2007) Bodycount Breakdown

Transformers (2007): Body Count by Rorschach94

[CHARACTER KILLS]

Blackout (N/A): 144 (All humans)
Megatron (Voiced by Hugo Weaving): 24 (22 humans, 2 Transformers)
Starscream (Voiced by Charles Adler): 6 (All humans)
Scorponok (N/A): 6 (All humans)
Frenzy (Voiced by Reno Wilson): 5 (4 humans, 1 Transformer)
Bonecrusher (Voiced by Jim Wood): 3 (Humans)
Brawl (N/A): 2 (Humans)
Optimus Prime (Voiced by Peter Cullen): 1 (Transformer)
Bumblebee (Voiced by Mark Ryan): 1 (Transformer)
Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBoeuf): 1 (Transformer)
Captain Lennox (Josh Duhamel): 1 (Transformer)
Mountain Dew Robot (N/A): 1 (Human)

[CORPSE BREAKDOWN]

Base Attack: 140 (Humans)
-Blackout shoots 15 soldiers
-Blackouts shockwaves kill 99 soldiers
-Blackout kills 26 more soldiers throughout the battle

Air Force One: 3 (Humans)
-Frenzy kills 3 secret service agents

Qatar: 6 (Humans)
-Scorponok impales 1 soldier
-Scorponok shoots 4 villagers and a soldier

Cybertron War: 16 (Transformers)

-Megatron kills 1 Autobot
-At least 15 transformer corpses shown on Cybertron

Megatron Awakens: 17 (Humans)
-Frenzy kills 2 dam workers
-Megatron kills 15 dam workers

Highway: 4 (4 humans, 1 Transformer)
-Bonecrusher crushes 2 moving cars, counted as kills
-Bonecrusher smashes through a bus, killing the driver
-Optimus kills Bonecrusher

Hoover Dam Fight: 1 (Transformer)
-Frenzy accidentally kills himself

Final Battle: 20 (16 humans, 4 Transformers)
-Two Sector Seven agents are killed by Brawl
-Megatron kills Jazz
-Mountain Dew machine comes alive and kills a civilian
-Steering wheel comes alive and kills a civilian
-Megatron destroys a moving car, counted as a kill
-Bumblebee kills Brawl
-Starscream blows up a helicopter, killing 3 soldiers
-Megatron kills another innocent civilian
-Blackout kills 4 soldiers
-Blackout killed by the combination of Captain Lennox and the air strike
-Starscream destroys 3 jets, killing their pilots
-Sam Witwicky kills Megatron

[THE UNCONFIRMED AND UNCOUNTED]

-Hundreds more implied in the opening attack on the Qatar base, dozens more in the finale killed in destroyed buildings and cars and such. Also, in the town attacked by Scorponok, more soldiers are seen entering than leaving, but only 2 are shown being killed.
-Didn’t count the Cell Phone Robot as a kill

[THE FINAL TALLY= 207] (185 humans, 22 Transformers)

Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen (2009): Body Count Breakdown

Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen (2009): Body Count by Rorschach94

[CHARACTER KILLS]

Demolisher (Voiced by Calvin Wimmer): 62 (All humans)
The Fallen (Voiced by Tony Todd): 29 (28 humans, 1 Transformer)
Megatron (Voiced by Hugo Weaving): 13 (12 humans, 1 Transformer)
Devastator (Voiced by Frank Welker): 7 (Humans)
Mixmaster (N/A): 5 (Humans)
Ravage (N/A): 4 (Humans)
Optimus Prime (Voiced by Peter Cullen): 3 (Transformers)
Jetfire (Voiced by Mark Ryan): 3 (Transformers)
Bumblebee (N/A): 2
Sideswipe (Voiced by André Sogliuzzo): 1 (Transformer)
Reedman (Voiced by Frank Welker): 1 (Transformer)
Mikaela (Megan Fox): 1 (Transformer)

[CORPSE BREAKDOWN]

Opening Scene: 2 (Humans)
-The Fallen kills 2 African Tribesmen

Shanghai: 64 (62 humans, 2 Transformers)
-Demolisher crushes 8 soldiers with giant concrete pipes
-Demolisher causes 2 explosions, killing 12 soldiers
-Demolisher causes a helicopter to crash, killing the pilot and copilot, which then crushes 3 soldiers on the ground
-Sideswipe kills Sideways
-Demolisher drives down highway, and smashes a bridge, altogether destroying 37 moving vehicles, each counted as one kill
-Optimus Prime causes Demolisher to crash, and then shoots him in the face

Island Raid: 5 (Humans)
-Reedman slices a soldier in half
-Ravage kills 4 soldiers

Under the Sea: 9 (8 humans, 1 Transformer)
-Decepticons kill one of their own for parts for Megatron
-Megatron sinks a submarine when he emerges from the water, killing at least 8 people, who are seen in the sub before the attack.

College Campus: 1 (Transformer)
-Mikaela kills Alice, the human decepticon

Forest Fight: 2 (Transformers)
-Optimus kills Grindor
-Megaton kills Optimus Prime

Decepticons Mobilize: 70 (Humans)
-Aircraft carrier sinks, killing at least 40 people on board
-19 people killed by Decepticons in the Paris streets
-11 more people are seen on the sinking aircraft carrier

Flashback: 17 (15 Transformers, 2 humans)
-The Fallen kills 2 humans
-10 ancient transformers killed in the battle shown
-The fallen kills a prime
-The four remaining primes kill themselves

Final Showdown: 80 (60 humans, 20 Transformers)
-22 soldiers shown throughout the battle being shot or blown up
-Devastator kills 7 civilians
-Bumblebee kills Rampage and rips Ravage’s spine out
-Megatron shoots down a helicopter, killing the pilot and copilot
-4 Decepticons killed throughout the battle by soldiers and Autobots
-Arcee and another Autobot are blown up by Decepticons
-Devastator blown up by rail gun
-Mixmaster kills 5 soldiers
-Jetfire kills Mixmaster and Scorponok
-Airstrike kills 7 decepticons
-The Fallen kills 4 soldiers
-Jetfire kills himself
-The Fallen kills 19 soldiers by detroying various Tanks and trucks
-The Fallen blows up a jet, killing it’s pilot
-Optimus Prime kills the Fallen

[THE UNCONFIRMED AND UNCOUNTED]

A submarine is sunk, an aircraft carrier is sunk, and most of Paris is destroyed, adding up to about 7,000 additional kills. Appliance robots, insecticons and decepticon hatchling not counted as kills

[THE FINAL TALLY= 250] (209 humans, 41 Transformers)

Heroes Shed No Tears (1986): Body Count Breakdown

Heroes Shed No Tears (1986): Body Count by Rorschach94

[CHARACTER KILLS]

Chan Chung (Eddy Ko): 69
Chin (Chin Yuet-Snag): 60
Louis (Philip Loffredo): 55
Chuck: 44
Chau Sang (Ka Lee): 22
Ah Yee: 13
The Vietnamese Colonel (Lam Ching-Ying): 3

[CORPSE BREAKDOWN]

Opening Raid: 82
Chau Sang blows up 8 soldiers
Chan Chung shoots 16 soldiers
Ah Yee shoots 8 soldiers, blows up 5
Chin shoots 13 soldiers
Chuck blows up 10 soldiers, kills 6 more with flamethrower
15 soldiers killed by mines
Ah Yee is killed

Chan Chung’s House: 5
Soldiers kill Chan Chungs father
Chan Chung kills 4 soldiers

Stopping the Execution: 20
1 man is executed
1 man shot by the Colonel
Chan shoots 1
Chau Sang shoots 3 soldiers, blows 1 up
Chin blows up 8 people, shoots 1
Chan blows up car, killing 4

Recruitment: 2
Soldiers kill 2 villagers

Hunters Attack: 22
Chan shoots 7 soldiers, stabs 1
Chau Sang kills 7 soldiers
Chin shoots 6 soldiers
Chuck kills 1 soldier

Village: 18
Chin blows up hut, killing 18 people inside of it

Forest: 14
8 bodies shown
Chau Sang kills 3 soldiers
Chau sang is stabbed, Chuck kills him out of mercy
Chuck kills 2 more soldiers

Flashback: 7
2 Vietnamese soldiers killed
1 American soldier dies
Louis kills 4 Vietnamese soldiers

Assault: 102
Chuck shoots 14 soldiers
Louis kills 29 soldiers
Chin kills 14 soldiers
Chan kills 11 soldiers
Louis, Chuck and Chan all throw grenades at the same time, which kill 7 people together. All credited with 7 kills
1 woman is killed
9 soldiers blown up
Chin is killed
Chan detonates the bombs in Louis’ barricade, killing 17 soldiers

Escape: 2
French woman is killed
1 soldier shot by the Colonel

The Last Stand: 19
Chuck shoots 3 soldiers
Louis blows up himself, the 2 girls, and 10 soldiers
Chuck is killed
The colonel kills Julie
Chan Chung kills the Vietnamese Colonel

[THE FINAL TALLY = 294]

Ninjas And Norris

The Octagon

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

The Octagon (1980): Breakdown by Kain424

A martial arts master must track down and confront his estranged brother, who is training ninja terrorists.

[THE EXECUTION]

Before Cannon there was American Cinema, making B-Action films from the 1970s onward.  It is fitting then that their star player at the time, Chuck Norris, would usher in the type of Action for which the next decade would become known.  More than perhaps even An Eye For An Eye, The Octagon shows a glimmer of things to come with car chases, shootouts, explosions and martial arts fighting.

Ninja

That being said, the film is still carrying over the styles (in both film and fashion) of the 70s.  But with an impressive cast that includes Lee Van Cleef and up-and-comer Norris, things are off to a good start.  In fact, there are several small roles from people who would gain more notable ones in the future, including Ernie Hudson, Tracey Walter, and former John Belushi bodyguard Richard Norton.  Norton actually gets to play a couple roles, as a recruiter and one of the primary villains.

Norton

Taking the fitness obsession that had begun sweeping the nation a few years before and adding to that the martial arts craze that had also begun taking hold in Hollywood, The Octagon mixes these elements and ends at the next logical level: Ninjas.  Though the ninjutsu way had been seen in earlier films, it was here that they began appearing in the low-rent 80s flicks as villainous assassins.  As Chuck Norris was already known as an accomplished martial artist, having his opponents also be skilled in the deadly hand-to-hand arts only makes sense.

As can be expected, the movie is hard to take seriously.  The actors aren’t master thespians, the dated fashions easily take hold of one’s senses and become distracting at times, and an echo-plex device is used as a stand in for Chuck’s inner thoughts.  This creates unintentionally  hilarious results:

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Still, the dialog is written cleverly, even if the actors can’t always pronounce it quite right, and there are a few actors with a natural charisma to them making the best of their scenes.  And as this is a Chuck Norris picture, the main reason for watching the film is for the fights.  For fans of Norris’s style, The Octagon does not disappoint in this category.  Norris uses a hard, fast, and powerful style, emphasizing strength over flashy moves or acrobatics.  This contrasts well against the ninjas of the film, who have a quick but ultimately ineffective style whose movements are given a shadowy appearance by their dark costume.

Ultimately, this is one of Chuck’s better early films and one of the best Ninja flicks ever made.  The fights are great, there are shootouts with terrorists and ninjas, chicks with machine guns, giant explosions, and Lee Van Cleef as a hard-as-nails mercenary.  What else do you need?

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Chuck

Chuck Norris is Scott James

James is a martial arts master, having been raised by a Ninja alongside his adoptive brother.  He trains every day, and yet seems to fear confrontation.  He doesn’t seem to have a job, but appears wealthy despite this fact.  The only thing you really need to know, however, is that this guy can take on hordes of ninjas and even another master with equal training and barely take a scratch.  He’s a bad-ass without a cause.

[THE BODY COUNT: 32]

The gore is plentiful here, with the violence punctuated each time with blood and squib-work.  Most of the deaths are ninjas at the end of the film, with Chuck Norris killing 9 of them.  This, of course, makes him the film’s most lethal character.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]

Chuck Norris vs. Richard Norton as Kyo

Fight

Norris makes his way through the Octagon of the film’s title and has to take on the hissing bad-ass ninja Kyo.  In a fight that utilizes swords, sais, fists and feet, the two masters kick the shit out of each other.  In essentially one long take, the fight is an example of what can be done when filmmakers use people who actually know how to perform these moves.  It’s total bad-assery, ending with a burning-man stunt and a sword chop.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Karen Carlson dies in the film’s most satisfying death.  I hate to sound like a jerk, but she really was annoying and I was glad to see her manipulative ass finally go.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

There are several excellent shirtless scenes featuring Chuck Norris and other characters.  Richard Norton, as a character named Long Legs, gets to wear the film’s gayest outfit, a vest with a bob haircut and a tiny mustache.

Gay

Then, of course, there is the relationship between Scott and A.J., perhaps the queerest thing in guy-to-guy action relationships of the 80s until Lethal Weapon.  The two men constantly tease one another, going after different women they seem to have no actual intention of sleeping with just to make the other person jealous.  They attend ballet performances together and spy on one another constantly.  Scott’s own inner monologues reveal he thinks about A.J. frequently, and after A.J. gets killed, Norris finally emotes.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

As a rule, B-Action films typically feature damsels in distress.  And while The Octagon does this, it also adds the noir cliche of a femme fatale.  Karen Carlson’s character of Justine is a manipulative tramp, using her body and money to exact revenge over the death of her father.  She sleeps with men able to do the job and plays upon their innate need to protect and express pity.  Aside from her, we get some bimbo A.J. seems to be with (and treats like shit) for the sole purpose of making Chuck Norris jealous.

Aura

Fortunately, there is one strong female character played by Carol Bagdasarian.  Aura is a terrorist-in-training for much of the picture, but seeing the nasty ways of the ninja make the dark-haired woman change her mind.  By the end of the flick, Aura has nearly become the flick’s coolest character, blasting away ninjas and blowing up their compound.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

NORRIS TAKES ON THE OCTAGON

Trapped by the ninjas he is fighting, James is given one chance to escape: make it through the lethal obstacle course of the film’s name, The Octagon!  Over water and past a set of walls, Norris gets involved in a series of uneven battles.  The fight scenes are quite impressive, and Chuck’s display of skill is even more so.

Octagon

An ex-terrorist appears in Scott James’s apartment and, aiming an uzi at him says, “I need your help.”

Scott smiles and responds casually, “I like the way you say ‘please’.”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Face your fears and confront violence head-on or you’ll lose everything you care about.

[THE CHUCK OF NORRIS: 4 outta 5]

[X] Facial Hair
[X] Jumps/Or Kicks Through A Window Or Wall
[X]
Performs Spin Kick or Spin Punch To Enemies Face
[X] Shows Off His Hairy Chest
[  ] Sports Some Cowboy Getup

[THE CHECKLIST: 11 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[  ] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[  ] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[  ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Lee

Van Cleef Wants YOU!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Pizza-Eating Cartoon-Watching Dancing Swearing Skateboarder Turtles

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 01

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990): Breakdown by Rantbo

Mutated amphibians use ninjutsu to end a crime spree initiated by troubled youths dressed as ninjas.

[THE EXECUTION]

As a child of the 80s, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (henceforth to be referred to as TMNT) hold a special place in my heart. From the first episode of the television series in 1986 to the time I hit puberty (even once or twice after that—what can I say, Judith Hoag was HOT), I was obsessed. Most of my pre-teen memories involve, in one way or another, the Turtles. Waking up early on Saturday mornings, rushing home for after school re-runs, TMNT themed birthday parties, Halloween costumes and of course, reenacting favorite episodes with friends and my impressive collection (if I do say so myself) of Playmates Toys’ action figures.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 02

Nowadays, it’s kinda hard to explain, as entertainment and pop-culture are such large and varied entities, just how massive and special the Turtles were at the time of their popularity. But being born male (and in some cases, female) in 1980’s America, made you a part of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Generation. I’m sure even most Amish children of the time could name all four turtles. With the comics, the cartoon, the video games and the toys, nothing was bigger or more cool to pre-teens than the TMNT. And it was just the beginning.

The year was 1990. A new decade had begun, and despite how shitty it ended up becoming, it started off with one of the greatest events an under 10 turtle nut could have ever hoped for…

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 03

The popular ad moniker made many a pre-pubescent dream come true by proudly displaying in glorious, too-good-to-be-true green font, “Hey, Dude, This Is No Cartoon!” And just for your information, it is indeed possible to achieve an orgasm at seven, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, the TMNT were officially “Lean, Green and On The Screen!”

This first live-action adaptation follows the original comic quite closely in retelling the flagship adventure of a team of four mutated, anthropomorphic, human sized talking turtle brothers. Trained since childhood in the art of ninjutsu by their adoptive father and sensei, a mutated anthropomorphic rat named Master Splinter, and aided by their lone human friends, a female news reporter (changed from a lab assistant in the comics) named April O’Neil and a wiseguy sports-themed vigilante named Casey Jones, the quartet of turtles embark on their chosen profession to secretly protect the people and streets of New York City from muggers, rapists, killers and the occasional crime syndicate of evil ninjas.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 04

The film is dark, yet funny. Action packed, yet dramatic. And cheesy, yet serious. It taught us young impressionable fanatics the importance of friendship, family, justice, love and getting your ordered pizza delivered by the guaranteed time if you’re going to pay the full ticket price. Overall, the flick is far from perfect with it’s goofy fight choreography, terrible music and a lackluster finale, but at the time, it all went unnoticed in young 7 yr-old Rant’s eyes. And re-watching  it now, nearly 20 years later, these slight hindrances still fall by the wayside to the fantastic costumes, characters and story.  Not to mention the fanservice was truly phenomenal. The ninjutsu, the pizza, the skateboarding, the lingo, the bad jokes and good ol’ 80s morals; they’re all present and accounted for.

I’m sure I could continue with my unabashed nostalgic fan-boy love for many more pages, but for brevity’s sake, I’ll just summarize by saying that TMNT is a blast that’s not to be missed. Even if you didn’t have the pure childhood glee of experiencing this film in it’s heyday, it is still an action-packed, camp classic good time. Feel free to insert whatever positive 80s adjective happens to be your favorite: Awesome! Radical! Gnarly! Tubular! Bitchin! Wicked! or Bodacious! They all fit well when describing the TMNT’s first cinematic adventure. And to B-Action fans of all ages, I highly recommend it. COWABUNGA!

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 05

David Forman and Brian Tochi (voice) are Leonardo a.k.a. Leo

NAMED AFTER: Leonardo di ser Piero da Vinci
TEAM ROLE: The Leader
BANDANNA COLOR: Blue
WEAPON OF CHOICE: Duo Katanas
CHARACTER TRAITS: Courageous, Stalwart and Uptight

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 06

Leif Tilden and Corey Feldman (voice) are Donatello a.k.a. Donny

NAMED AFTER: Donato di Niccolò di Betto Bardi
TEAM ROLE: The Inventor, Engineer and Mediator
BANDANNA COLOR: Purple
WEAPON OF CHOICE: Bōstaff
CHARACTER TRAITS: Witty, Intelligent and Level-headed

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 07

Josh Pais is Raphael a.k.a. Raph

NAMED AFTER: Raffaello Sanzio da Urbino
TEAM ROLE: The Rebel
BANDANNA COLOR: Red
WEAPON OF CHOICE: Sai
CHARACTER TRAITS: Aggressive, Sarcastic and Impulsive

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 08

Michelan Sisti and Robbie Rist (voice) are Michelangelo a.k.a. Mikey

NAMED AFTER: Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni
TEAM ROLE: The Party Dude
BANDANNA COLOR: Orange
WEAPON OF CHOICE: Nunchaku
CHARACTER TRAITS: Easy-Going, Comedic and Lovable

What can I really say about the turtles that their franchise title doesn’t? They are Teenage, Mutant, Ninja Turtles! Simply put, these guys were my heroes as a kid and as I mentioned above, share a part in most of my fond childhood memories. The turtles knew karate, they lived in the sewers, they skateboarded, ate nothing but pizza and fought a clan of ninjas lead by a guy called the Shredder… It just doesn’t get any more badass than that. They only way the concept could have been cooler is with aliens and other mutants—and the cartoon had both. Man, I love being a turtle fan!

[THE BODY COUNT: TWO]

Only two. Master Yoshi and his bride fall to the Shredder’s blade in the backstory. Nothing especially twisted or gory, but this is a kids film after all…

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

The TMNT vs. The Foot Clan

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 09

It’s the first time you get to see the Turtles in action and kicking ass as a team. Well—mostly. At the point when Leo, Donny and Mike enter the fight, Raph has already been beaten into a coma by the Clan and spends the fight unconscious on April’s living room floor. But, he was there in spirit. However, the three remaining turtles waste little time in enacting revenge when they see what has been done to their brother.

Despite the fact that the heroic actors are bogged down by the cumbersome costumes, and are forced to work in limited space, the fight is surprisingly well choreographed and executed. Starting on the building’s roof and eventually working it’s way down to the basement (destroying everything along the way), this battle is one of the highlights of my lifelong cinematic journey. The turtles utilize every ounce of their skills with their individual weapons, ninja reflexes, and well-timed double-shell slams to defeat the small army of ninja assassins. Once again, it’s really hard to express just how cool this was to see as a kid and how surprisingly well it holds up now, twenty years later.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Donatello: You’re a claustrophobic. Hehehe.
Casey Jones: You want a fist in the mouth! I’ve never even looked at another guy before!

Such ignorance in the form of homophobia can only be the cause of repressed homosexual urges.

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Then again, he does make out with April in the finale, and as I previously stated, Judith Hoag was fuckin’ hot. So, he can’t be too queer.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

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“She’s A Baaabe!”

April “Broadzilla” O’Neil is the classic damsel in distress. Her feeble attempts at fending for herself are only made less pathetic by her tough-chick façade, both of which land her onto the pavement after she gets bitchslapped, then punched by a Clan member.

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Later, she gets fired for speaking her mind while in the workplace, though is unable to receive the message as she was fleeing her burning, ninja riddled house at the time.

The only other named female in the picture is Splinter’s master’s old lady, who is killed by the Shredder in the backstory. Left bleeding on a floor she will never more be allowed to clean. It’s sad really.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Keep Practicing!

When confronted with the Foot for the first time, a member with nunchaku makes himself stand out in a small display of skill with his weapon of choice. And Michelangelo accepts the challenge.

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“Oh, a fellow chucker, eh?”

The two exchange back and forth exhibitions until Mikey tires of the exercise and one-ups the Foot for good with an uber-fast one-handed windmill maneuver, and shines him on by nonchalantly breathing on his free-hand’s fingernails.

As for the one liner…

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Splinter: Death comes for us all, Oroku Saki. But something much worse comes for you. For when you die it will be…
[Shredder grabs a knife and throws it at Splinter, who catches it, but loses his grip on the nunchuck, sending the Shredder screaming down 10 stories into the back of a garbage compacter]
Splinter: …without honor.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

“Wise man say forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza.”

[THE CHECKLIST: 16 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[  ] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)*
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

*Splinter is kept chained upright onto a chainlink fence for at least a week. I’ll count it.

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Splinter Made A Funny.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) © Northshore Investments Ltd. and New Line Cinema

Criminals Need To Be Punished

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[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

The Punisher (Theatrical Cut) (2004): Breakdown by Rutledal

A G-Man’s family get’s killed, he kills the killers.

[THE EXECUTION]

Just to get it out of the way, this breakdown will not be based solely on The Punisher as an action movie, but also as an adaptation of the comic it’s based on. It’s not my favourite comic-book, but the character had a good couple of guest appearances in Spider-Man and I came to like the insane badass motherfucker that is The Punisher. For those not familiar with the character, Frank Castle was a war veteran having served 3 tours in Vietnam, then one day he and his family witnessed a mob execution while having a picnic in the park. Frank then witnessed the violent death of his family right in front of his eyes, (at the hands of the mob, wiping out the witnesses to their crime) but Frank survives and from that day on he becomes The Punisher, a vigilante that kills any and every criminal scum on the streets of New York.

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As for the 2004 movie, it’s pretty much one long origin story, being about Frank Castle’s first killings and ending with him embodying the role of The Punisher. So this movie is very different from it’s predecessor and it’s successor, both of which mostly deal with The Punisher slaying down hordes of criminals. But enough about comics and other films, let’s look at what made this a decent movie and what they put in to make sure it didn’t become better.

The Stuff I Liked:

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The Skull – It’s back. A thousand times yes, it’s back. What the hell where they thinking when they removed it? It’s like removing the “S” from Superman’s chest.

The Comic We Are Adapting, What If We Actually Read It – They didn’t include much from the comics, but a fair amount of “Welcome Back, Frank” made it to the screen. Sure they excluded some of the best parts (the recounting of the incident in the park, Frank making some peace with the city, etc) and left in some of the worst (Bumpo, the ridiculous affectations of The Russian, etc), but compared to the previous movie it’s as faithful as a nun. And for what it’s worth they at least wrote out the part where Castle murders the Russian by chocking him to death with Bumpo’s stomach. No shit.

Violence – The movie earns it’s R-rating with bloody deaths and squibs. No CGI here.

The Score – Carlo Siliotto’s score is excellent. When it plays over the title sequence I almost get chills down my spine. It doesn’t fit with my image of the Punisher, but it fits perfectly with the movie and that’s what matters, even if the movie isn’t that good.

The Homage Scenes – To a spaghetti western fan boy like myself seeing Hensleigh paying homage to the final gun fights of both “The Good, The Bad & The Ugly” and “Once Upon a Time in the West” almost makes me forgive everything else that is wrong with this movie.  And speaking of which…

The Stuff I Hated:

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The Skull at the Parking Lot – It’s cool that they brought the skull back, but that scene at the end when he creates it in burning cars is just retarded. It must have taken him hours to set up, and for fucking what? So that some plane passengers that might pass by could see it and think it was cool. Yay. [Editor’s Note: Not to mention all those innocent people’s vehicles getting destroyed. Thus making him a criminal and negating his own cause]

Location – New York is the ultimate vigilante city, it’s where Paul Kersey came to life, it’s where The Punisher lives in the comics, it’s even where real life vigilante group Guardian Angles was founded. So when making a movie about perhaps the best known (non-Batman) vigilante in pop culture where do you place it? Tampa Fucking Florida. I guess making a vigilante movie sunny is much better than dark and gritty.  Yeah, right.

Another Freaking New Origin Story – How hard can it be to follow the comic? Frank’s wife and two kids, one boy, one girl, gunned down by the mob for witnessing an execution. No, we need to get a totally new origin story. Again.

What This Situation Calls For Is A Plan – What is happening with the Punisher laying a detailed plan to get Saint to murder his own wife? Am I watching The Punisher or Trading Places here? If The Punisher wanted her dead he would have ripped her heart out and beaten her to death with it.

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John Travolta – I hate John Travolta. He brings many scenes down with his shitty overacting and wouldn’t make a worthy opponent for Frank Castle unless Castle was in a coma, or written as a transvestite showgirl.

The movie, unlike most other comic book adaptations, is pretty grim and at times even borderline depressing. There’s almost no end to the many, many scenes featuring Castle drinking and grieving about his family. When it was first released I loved this movie, but it hasn’t exactly grown on me. I’d still say it’s a pretty good action movie; it’s not exactly Die Hard, but it’s not Steven Seagal DTV quality either. As an adaptation of the comic that it shares its name with, it’s not that good, but as an action film it works for those who like badass cinema. There is less action, but more story than with the previous version. Whether or not that’s a good thing I’ll leave for someone else to decide, but at least I think it was. And if nothing else, at least the movie also gave us on heck of a badass follow-up video game.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

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Thomas Jane is Frank Castle, is The Punisher

“Those who do evil to others: the killers, the rapists, psychos, sadistsyou will come to know me well. Frank Castle is dead. Call meThe Punisher.”’

Frank Castle is so bad-ass that you would actually have to put massive amounts of effort into making him anything but badass. The filmmakers do try though, making him sit about and cry and actually have him consider suicide. Luckily, they give him some redeeming features as well. He gets to kill a bunch of people and beat the bloody snot out of a handful more. He survives getting shot 4 times, including once in the chest at point blank range. And he is still the fucking Punisher, which is badass in and of  itself. He also uses a bow and arrow to kill people, something too few action heroes do nowadays.

[THE BODY COUNT: 43 + A Shitload Implied]

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Castle himself stacks up 22 kills, making him the least lethal Punisher to date. He kills 2 before becoming The Punisher and 21 after. Quite the change. Travolta (sigh) gets 3, and even Roy Scheider manages to off a badie with his 5 minute role. The rest are mainly Castle’s relatives getting shot by Saint’s henchmen, which is also where all the implied comes from.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Castle vs. The Russian

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Taken out of the comic and put onto the screen, this classic fight from “Welcome Back, Frank” is just as good, if not better, than I could have hoped for. Castle has a full 5 minute brawl with the most intimidating blonde Russian this side of Ivan Drago whilst classic opera music plays over the entire sequence. It’s like a beautiful ballet of violence.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

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There is plenty of shirtless action to go around for everyone, and Travolta always brings an extra level of gayness with his presence. Dave and Bumpo are lovers, there is no denying it. Just look at the two as Bumpo comforts Dave after he has been threatened by Joan’s ex. Frank even manages to get in the game himself. I know it’s true to the Punisher’s nature, but turning down Rebecca Romijn is gayer than having sex with a man. [Editor’s Note: Not even John Stamos could resist that ass. And he’s gay as shit.]

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Oh, and Will Patton’s character is actually a gay. He even makes out with a dude.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

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Actually there’s surprisingly little. Castle’s wife gets treated pretty well and, towards the end of her shortened life, she even becomes somewhat of a badass. At least until she starts hammering on a door yelling for help like a horror movie tramp. Joan, Castle’s neighbor, locks her self in her apartment when her ex-boyfriend comes and needs Frank to rescue her. She is really the worst one. Then there is Saint’s wife who seems to have a lot of power and is the one that orders Frank’s entire family dead. She really ups the girl power in this one. Well, at least until Travolta throws her in front of a speeding train that is. So not that little, I guess.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

The Good, The Bad and The Punisher

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I got to go with the shoot-out in the lobby of the Saint building between Castle, pseudo Michael Ironside* and another of Saint’s henchmen. It pays homage to the final shoot-out in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly with its close-up shots of faces and guns. It’s a damn cool shoot-out scene, in my opinion.

Candelaria: Vaya con Dios, Castle. Go with God.
Castle: God’s going to sit this one out.

I love that line. It’s just layered with bad-assness and sets the bar high for what’s to come. Unfortunately the rest of the movie never quite delivers.

*
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[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

You fuck with Frank Castle and he is gonna fuck your life up—and then kill you.

[THE CHECKLIST: 17 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel [REBOOT: Punisher War Zone]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

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Did we already use the “splitting headache” joke?

The Punisher (2004) © Lions Gates Films and Film & Entertainment VIP Medienfonds 2 GmbH & Co. KG, Film & Entertainment VIP Medienfonds 3 GmbH & Co. KG and Artisan GmbH