The Fast and the Furious 3: Fancy Fishtails

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006): Breakdown by Rantbo

Teenage brat gets shipped to Japan and power slides his way into the dangerous, illegal underground world of e-braking at high speeds.

[THE EXECUTION]

TOKYO DRIFT. It sounds like an STD and much like one, this franchise will keep popping up every so often to irritate and disgust us.

This time, instead of following another one of the alumni from part one, we get an all new character to annoy us. His name is Sean and he is a trouble maker. Somehow in the coarse of a couple days, this “teenager” manages to partake in two life changing street races, on two different continents and all in the name of pre-legal pussy. For race number two, he takes a liking to the underage girlfriend of a 30-year-old high-school student, who happens to be a part-time gangster. So, Sean must seek out an Obi-Wan to teach him the ways of ‘drifting’ to defeat and humiliate him. And that’s pretty much the story.

To be fair, this movie is probably the best film out of the first three. Not to say that I liked it the best, because I didn’t, it just has a lot of things going for it that the other two didn’t. For instance, exciting races. That’s kind of a big one considering that this franchise is based upon making teenage wiggers think shiny cars are cool enough to try and obtain. So, it’s kind of sad that it took till the third movie to actually show them in action, as opposed to green screening it with blur effects.

Another thing I liked was that they actually have a likable tough-guy as the main character. Sorry Paul Walker, but you was a pussy. Lucas Black plays Sean and it was weird for me to see him as a middle-aged looking dude, ‘cuz I remember him as the little creepy kid from AMERICAN GOTHIC. He still acts, dresses and sounds like he was just picked up by a casting agent at an Alabama bus stop and I have to respect him for not becoming just another shirtless boy-whore (Channing Tatum—Paul Walker). At least not yet.

The best part about this movie though, has to be that instead of racing for boring bullshit like cash and pink slips, this film ups the game and the stakes by having the honor to take a spoiled girl to the prom and the right to remain a Tokyo gangster as the prize for fishtailing the best. I like that. Makes it more interesting.

All-in-all, this is an average (5-6ish outta 10) flick. Again, I’m not a car guy, so I appreciate this culture about as much as I do Youth Groups (I’m an anti-social atheist) and Skate Boarding (I’m fat and uncoordinated), so I feel I can’t fairly judge it too harshly. It’s not nearly as fun as part 2, but this one at least brings something new (albeit, stupid) to the table. So I’ll say it’s worth a watch if you are bored and want to see some original chase sequences. Oh, and this film also features Sonny Fucking Chiba. That’s worth a rental, right there.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Lucas Black is Sean ‘The Gaijin’ Boswell

He looks like he’s thirty (though at the time, was only 24) and his problem is, he keeps getting kicked out of High School for trolling teenage pootie-tang. Well—that’s at least the catalyst. It appears as though Sean feels the need, the need to drive really fast and reckless like an asshole to impress trust fund pussy.  But at least he does it with some American muscle and style. He has that macho-bullshit attitude that was present with every character in the past two films, but at least with Lucas Black, he manages to be somewhat believable and subsequently, likable. Plus, his Mom is smoking…

Mmm, I wouldn’t kick THAT outta bed in the morning!

Sean’s a natural born troublemaker, but with a heart of honorable gold and bawls of steel. But, it’s like that old saying goes: “If you’re gonna be dumb, ya gotta be tough.” And it could just be that the only basis for on-screen comparison is a kid named Twinkie who is played by Little Bow Wow, but this motto seems to suit Sean pretty well. As for doing Bad-Ass things—not so much. At least not outside of the event in the [Most Satisfying Ass-Kicking…] listed below.

[THE BODY COUNT: 01]

Sean’s Obi-Wan, Han, gets his self blown-up in a car wreck. But, that’s what you get for driving like a fucking ass-hat.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATHS]

That Kid From Sling Blade vs. That Kid From Home Improvement

Both in their mid-twenties and these two still just can’t seem to grow up. The spark of the incident is Sean talking to Zachary Ty Bryan’s underage girlfriend. Some macho dick measuring commences and it naturally comes down to a car race. Problem is, Sean only races for pink slips and Zach’s Viper is worth 80,000 dollars of syndication residuals.  So, what to race for? The slut has an idea. Her. So, the race is on and it takes place in, on and through a housing development under construction (I looked, but didn’t spot Tim Allen or Al). And it’s easily the best part of the movie.

The two D-Bags grimace, sneer and plow through the site, with complete disregard for safety and property, to the tunes of Kid Rock and culminates with Sean driving through an unfinished house to close the gap. All I can say is, that little blonde bimbo’s pussy better be Shangri-la for all this trouble. Oh, and as for the ‘Deaths’, it’s these guy’s careers.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Nothing to report really. There is a brief scene in a bathhouse, but outside of that and the staple macho-asshole street-racing, nothing to go on about. Which is disappointing. But even if it were trying to entice young men out of the closet, how could it even compare to 2 FAST? It couldn’t, so director Justin Lin took the James Cameron approach (ALIENS) and went with a new angle. Which is racing for school girl appreciation and admiration. Which, don’t get me wrong, is both creepy and funny in it’s own right, but I can’t say I didn’t miss watching two angst-filled 35 year old men bickering over who was going to be pitcher and catcher.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Once again, a bunch more short “skirts” and shirts that wouldn’t even classify as bras. Ho-hum. But, there was this…

That’s right, make your parents proud, you god dammed whore. And by the way, when did High School sponsored cheerleader uniforms start out-trashing common street walker’s ensembles? I graduated about 8 years ago, so maybe shit has changed, but they certainly didn’t weren’t allowed to wear shit like that when I was in school. At least not without being sent home. God dammit.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Every scene with Sonny Chiba. ‘Cuz it’s Sonny Fucking Chiba.

“There’s an old saying: For want of a nail—the horseshoe was lost.  For want of a horseshoe—the steed was lost. For want of a steed—the message was not delivered. For want of an undelivered message—

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

“There’s no “wax on, wax off” with drifting—learn by doing it.”

WARNING: UNIVERSAL PICTURES AND THE PRODUCERS UNDERSTAND THAT THE FANS OF OUR FAST AND FURIOUS FRANCHISE ARE NIMROD JACK-OFF DOUCHE-BAGS AND EVEN THOUGH THIS IS CLEARLY NOT A DOCUMENTARY, MUST INSIST THAT NO ONE RECREATE OR RE-ENACT ANY STUNT OR ACTIVITY PERFORMED WITHIN THIS FICTIONAL MOVIE.

[THE CHECKLIST: 13 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor” [Sonny Fucking Chiba]
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[  ] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[Fast & Furious]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

Hey… Is that—?It is! Mr. Clean! What’s He Doing In This Movie!?

2 F@&5 2 Curious

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

2 Fast 2 Furious (2003): Breakdown by Rantbo

Paul Walker is back to race more cars and flirt-fight with his old boyfriend, ex-supermodel, Tyrese.

[THE EXECUTION]

I knew I was in for a special kind of stupid when the first thing seen on screen is the UNIVERSAL studio logo transforming into a chrome hub-cap and bounce as though it had hydraulics. But I wouldn’t expect any less from a movie that revolves around a bunch of douche-bags driving around in ugly overpriced penis extensions.

So, Paul Walker returns as Brian O’Conner, but this time, Brian’s on the other side of the law. Apparently if you let a suspect go (and don’t think to just lie about it), you end up being one of the most wanted men in America. Alright, whatever… Eventually, Brian gets tracked down by James Remar and arrested. However, he avoids jail by striking a deal for himself and his ex butt-buddy, Roman Pearce (Tyrese). Their mission: infiltrate a cartel as drug-runners (drivers), supply information to the Feds and fall back in love with each other.

While 2 FAST is certainly a worse movie than the original, it is also about a 110% more fun. For starters, they actually race the cars around non-liner tracks and freeways. As (thankfully) someone must have pointed out, driving in a straight-line, no matter how fast, is fucking boring. Second, the main characters are like watching the gay equivalent of a 50s marriage sitcom. They switch back and forth between who is the “Lucy” and who is the “Ricky”, but in the end, it is their combined antics that make this film a classic guilty pleasure.

Also, the format, however not strikingly original, is much more fun. Which, I mean to say, it isn’t a straight rip-off of another, better movie of the same genre. Not to say they are paving new ground, hells no, but it’s just different enough from the other “Struck-A-Deal-With-The-Feds-To-Stay-Out-Of-Prison” movies and it is certainly the most pro-gay.

Like I said, the film is completely asinine, but it’s also unintentionally hilarious. For example, I give you—verbatim, the dialogue from the big ‘Heart-To-Heart’ moment of the film. This scene is placed right before the final action sequence and meant to bring it all home, and together with the men on screen, make the audience nod with much bro-love and respect:

Brian: Man—you remember us growin’ up? You know, playin’ football in the dirt, you know, all the stupid things we did… When you got busted, you know, whether I was a cop or not, you know, if there was anything I could’ve done, you know, I would have done it—I just want chu to know dat.
Rome: Is that why you let that dude go in L.A.?
Brian: Yeah, I think that had a lot to do with it.
Rome: When I got busted—it wasn’t your fault—izz all on me. Mr.—Roman Pearce—whild’n out, crazy man. No one could tell me nutin’, ridin’ solo.
Brian: Yeah, well not anymore—not anymore, bro.

Best dialogue exchange—ever. If that doesn’t bring a tear to you eye—you’re not laughing hard enough. Read it again and check out how many times Brian says “You Know?” Picture included for truly epic lulz.

So, in the end, the only true crime to spawn out of this movie, outside of more pointless cinematic dribble, is that Tyrese wasn’t brought back for the sequels.  I recommend watching this with your best-bro and together, reminisce on what made you fall in friendship for one another—‘cuz that’s truly what it’s all about.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Paul Walker is Brian O’Conner, X-Cop

Walker is most certainly better when allowed to be as dumb as he wants to be (read as: is), and with 2FAST, clearly had carte blanche. The character is still a terrible, un-clever mix-match of other mediocre action heroes, but at least this time, he is his own brand of stupid. Brian does a bunch more crazy/moronic adrenaline-junkie douche-baggery this time around, but again, it’s nothing I couldn’t see if I just watched some reruns of mid-70s television and a random half-an-hour of MTV.

-Pulls a E-brake 180% while speeding down a freeway.
-Plays chicken at a 100 miles per hour.
-Hangs out of a car going 100 miles per hour.
-Jumps a car, Hazard County-style onto a yacht.

Tyrese Gibson is Mr. Roman Pearce, X-Boyfriend

Tyrese is a comedic genius. It’s too bad he was born so pretty, because I could easily have seen him being a classic cast member of SNL. The guy is so over-the-top into himself, that he becomes a walking parody of “cool”. He’s the type of guy that purposefully draws attention to himself in public to show everyone within eye-shot of how awesome he is, incapable of understanding everyone’s just paying attention to him because he’s an obnoxious asshole. Fueled by mock-praise. So, this really is THE perfect role for him, and it shows through in his performance as he is pretty much playing an extreme version of himself: A douche-bag shiny-car driver.

-Takes off his shirt to punch out a window (show the guys in the audience his abs) and when told: “Now put cho blouse back on!”, by Brian he responds with,  “Hay-Tur!” (HAHAHA, I DIDN’T MAKE THAT UP!)
-Shoots a gun at James Remar. (that takes bawls)
-Lights some goomba’s windshield on fire.
-Sends an unmanned SUV into a cop car.
-Pulls off an Aston Martin-esque maneuver on an unwanted passenger. (see more below)
-Rides shotgun on aforementioned Hazard County-style jump.

[THE BODY COUNT: 01—I'M PRETTY SURE]

Again, it’s pretty tame and lame, but it’s what I’ve come to expect from the series after the lackluster out-putting of part one. For some reason during one of the “races”, one of the jack-off drivers decides to try and go between two semi trucks that are bottlenecking and gets his ass crushed in the process. Not only that, but he takes out his dipshit partner in the process by blocking his path with the wreckage that was his 50,000 dollar ‘investment’. I’m pretty sure there is no way the dumbass driver could have survived, so there you go.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

Brian and Rome v. The Bald Biting Bitchboy

After being taken away into the woods for an easily escapable assassination scenario, Brian’s bro backs him up and together they beat up one of Cole Hauser’s lackeys. Like a bunch of girls. Seriously, there is biting, spitting and kicking while down. What a bunch of sissys. However, it was funny, so there ya go.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

A few years ago, a few friends and I went to hang out with another friend/co-worker at his house after work. Let’s call him Jeffrey, because that was his name. Jeffrey was (still is, of course) gay, as was one of his roommates. We had decided to watch a movie, and as a goof, Jeffery put on one of his adult “alone-time” videos. So, there I was, in a room with a 4 other guys, two of which were gay and with a movie playing featuring two guys buttfucking each other. And you know something? That situation was less gay than 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS.

Roman: When I needed your ass—you were nowhere to be found!

Brian: Alright Rome, I got sumthin for yer ass!

Verone: You got balls kid. [Chuckles] I can appreciate that.

As I mentioned before, the entire story revolves around Brian and Roman re-kindling their former bromance. The guys had a falling out when Brian was revealed to be a cop, shortly after Roman got busted and sent to prison for three years. And Roman blamed Brian, even though he had nothing to do with it. Love is complicated. Consequently, 80% of the film’s dialogue is unchecked tension in the form of bickering over silly inconsequential bullshit. Here are some examples:

-On the ride to meet the villain of this picture, Brian pulls the old “Stare-and-Drive” on Eva Mendes. He stares at her and—Christ, you get the picture. Proving that Rome claims rights to having pissed on the Bri-Guy Tree first, he pulls up at the stoplight next to them and says, “…he got that FROM ME!” and speeds away in a tiff. Somebody’s jealousss!

-Returning from a job, the guys follow Eva Mendez through the badguys lair and the following dialogue exchange takes place…

Rome: [Angry] What chu chekcin’ her out for?!
Brian: [Guiltily] I’m not checking her out!
Rome: Yes you were.
Brian: No I wasn’t.
Rome: I seen you checkin’ her out man!
Brian: OK, I was. Now shut-up.
Rome: You shut-up, don’t tell me to shut-up!
Monica: Both you girlies shut-up!—Unbelievable!

I concur.

-On the way out to another meeting…

Rome: Man! It’s so hot and humid out here, I can’t even wear no draws!
Brian: Man, tell me about it!

Awesome. After this, Rome has a brief heterosexual urge to look at a girl’s booty, but Bri-Dog quickly sweeps in, cups his bro’s peck and pulls him back toward the cabana boys. (see above pic)

-Here’s one more…

Brian : [Talking to Rome about another gay couple] Alright, check it out. There’s no way we gonna beat these guys straight up. We’re gonna have to pull somethin’ out of our ass. The only thing I can think of is save the spray for the way back, the return trip.

Case fucking closed.

Also, I don’t think Tyrese owns a single shirt with sleeves.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Much like the first movie, there are plenty of half-naked hoes gyrating around like the sluts their families always hoped they would grow up to be. But, for the most part, this one is all about the boys.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Just when I was starting to think that there would be no great, or even half cool moment or line, Tyrese pulled through. Using some old half-filled NAS canisters and a thruster button, Rome ejects his passenger side seat, passenger included, out the side of his car while doing 80 or so. Oddly, the guy ends up without a scratch, but the amusing part about the scene is just how happy Rome is with himself…

“Ejecto-Seato, Cuz!”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Love conquers all, and don’t play games with Cole Hauser.

[THE CHECKLIST: 17 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[X] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel [The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)

[X] Vigilante Justice

THE 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS BROTAGE

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2 Fast 2 Furious (2003) © Mikona Productions GmbH & Co. KG and Universal Studios Home Entertainment

The Fast and the Bi-Curious

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

The Fast and the Furious (2001): Breakdown by Rantbo

Undercover douche-bag cop bonds with criminal douche-bags over shiny douche-mobiles.

[THE EXECUTION]

I’ll start by saying this really isn’t my type of action. I really don’t give a shit about cars and have little to no interest in watching a bunch of jag-offs drive around fast in them. However, I do get a kick out of shitty over-hyped B-Action movies. Thus this breakdown.

I first watched this one in the theater, and at the time I was much more forgiving and just simply dismissed the film as mediocre crap. Then after I found out how many people loved it, pathetic rebel that I am, I began to hate it. AND THEN, I got really into action flicks in my twenties and have since come to enjoy this picture for the campy dumbass popcorn chomping piece of shit that it is. And I almost half-way enjoy it now.

The film follows a teen-beat undercover cop as he infiltrates the dangerous and sexy world of underground drag racing. He does this because teenagers like seeing slutty women and hearing rap-rock music in their movies. AND because the character is trying to discover the identities of a team of asshat merchandise thieves, whose M.O. is ripping off 18-wheeler cargo at 80 miles an hour. Which allows for plenty top-of-the-line electronic product placement, I might add. He finds them 5 minutes into the movie, but then spends the rest of it in denial as he loves them all too much to see that they are evil douchie scum.

In short, THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS is simply a bad knock-off to an already mediocre movie—POINT BREAK. When I saw TFATF, I haddn’t yet seen P-BREAK and it wasn’t until a couple years later that my amigo Kain pointed this out to me. And he was right. After watching both, it becomes embarrassingly apparent.

You’ve got the new hot-shot pretty-boy California cop, who befriends a bunch of adrenaline junkies, that he meets through a girl-who works at a diner. He becomes a confidant, enters their inner circle, gathers evidence, shows up to bust them during their only failed robbery attempt and in the end, lets the leader go out of much bro-love. Like, Holy Shit! Who did the filmmakers think they were fooling? All they did was exchange surfing for driving and banks for trucks. That’s it. Well—they also traded the violence, swearing, foot-chase, presidential masks and meatball sandwiches for a fist fight, ebonics, driving in a straight line, ninja hoods and tuna-fish on wheat. All of which strikes against it. Plus, Paul Walker is no Keanu and Diesel no Swayze.

But, again, I’m not a car guy, so I think it would be unfair of me to judge too harshly. This film is bearable, but make no mistake, I’d rather watch POINT BREAK any day of the week. Not only is it a better, R rated version of the same story, it also has Gary Busy . And you can’t beat that with a lubed-up tire-iron.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Paul Walker is Brian O’Conner a.k.a. Snow Man

Paul Walker is to action as Sylvester Stallone is to comedy. While it may work out in a fluke (RUNNING SCARED, and OSCAR, respectably), he has no business in the genre. At least not at this juncture. He does pull off some ballsy stunts late in the film, or rather his stunt man does… But in the end, Paul Walker is just as mediocre and bland as the movie he is headlining. Maybe next time, Bri-Guy.

[THE BODY COUNT: 02]

For an action movie, this is as tame as the PG-13 rating will allow before becoming straight-up Disney. The body count is practically nil and the 2 deaths you do see are airable for network television sans cuts, but again, this really isn’t that type of movie. This is one of those “TOP GUN” type action flicks where, even though there isn’t much action at all, you always find it in that section at video stores, ‘cuz where the Hell else are you going to put it?

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

Brian vs. Vince The Alpha Douche

Whacho Whacho Whacho BACK! Whacho Back Whacho Back!

Even though this fight is lamer than most seen in real life (on elementary school playgrounds), I still have to choose it as my pick, as—well, frankly there aren’t that many options. Plus, this faux-macho alpha-male bullshit is hilarious when it’s supposed to be taken so seriously.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

“No one likes the tuna here!”

This new-wave late-nineties machismo is just as gay as the 80s, but twice as annoying due the culture surrounding it. And aside from Diesel, it’s less than half as buff. However, they do try twice as hard to appear as though they love the pussy. Which comes crashing down like a waterfall of jizz with all the sweat, leather, snake-skin, mesh-shirts and jewelry, worn by the men. They aren’t fooling anybody, least alone the women, who are forced to go gay themselves out of their would-be male partner’s negligence.

There isn’t really any overtly homosexual scenes, but Vinny-D does spend a ton of the film (as does his crew), sweating in muscle shirts and drinking bottled brew. In fact, there are some instances I could swear came straight out of the Schmitt’s Gay Beer commercial.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

The women of The Fast and The Furious are pretty much half-naked hood-ornaments for the shiny douche-mobiles that hover around every scene like a swarm of west Nile mosquitoes. At one point, Diesel even asks (tells) his girlfriend she is his trophy. Yes, just another pretty object to be admired, shown-off and then placed on a mantle to be ignored and then forgotten. Also, the ladies in this picture need two hairdos to pull off the slut-suits they shuffle around in so proudly. I doubt you could even make a wash-towel if you stitched together all the combined ‘clothing’ of said race-groupies. Where are their parents!? It’s all very sad.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

I figured going into this that I would end up picking the Charger’s horrific demise and I was right.

Something so pretty getting trashed for cheap thrills is a staple of action cinema, and it’s one of the rare instances this movie bothers to try being one.

As for the one liner, the only one I could think of before re-watching this crap was the “Quarter Mile” line that Diesel repeats a couple times, but then I had forgotten about this gem…

When threatened with the thought of some other dog (dog being, Brian) coming to his restaurant and pissing on his tree (tree being, Jordana Brewster and her sweet, sweet ass), Alpha Douche lets loose the following:

“Try ‘Fat Burger’ from now on—you can getcho self a double-cheese with fries for two ninety-five—Faggot.”

Said with a straight face, this line is epic. The added pause and “Faggot”  REALLY sells it. He might as well have said, “… Oh! And another thing—You’re A GAY!” I can’t help but laugh, especially since it’s coming from the guy that wears a mesh tank-top, sports a cho-mo stash and is never seen without a queer leather arm-band strapped above his well manicured hand.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

“It don’t matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning is winning.“ And if given the opportunity, I would eat 3 square meals a day out of Jordana Brewster’s ass crack.

[THE CHECKLIST: 16 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor” [Rick Yune]
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[2 Fast 2 Furious]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

“He’s got nitrous-oxide in his blood and a gas-tank for a brain.”

And another man’s hand on his stick-shift. HONK! HONK!

Police Story: Part II: Jungle Gyms and Fireworks

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Police Story: Part II a.k.a. Ging chaat goo si juk jaap (1988): Breakdown by Rantbo

Jackie Chan is still a cop, is still fighting Hong Kong crime.

[THE EXECUTION]

The film opens with Chan being stripped of his Inspector’s badge, forced back into a uniform and assigned to direct traffic. That’s what you get for being a ballsy hero under the rule of a tyrannical, pussy-ass superior officer. What’s worse, the villain he almost died putting away is released on compassionate leave. Apparently there is some dumbass law that says if you are diagnosed as deathly ill, you get to be set free from prison. God damn communist liberals. Oddly though, he isn’t the main villain. It’s some other mostly forgettable goons. But, the story is pretty much the same as the first.

POLICE STORY: PART II is a comparable direct sequel that follows the same format of the first. The only blaring difference is that Chan fights the Asian equivalent of the villain from THE DEAD POOL instead of a drug lord and they replace all the action sequences with new, yet equally exciting ones.

This time Jackie brawls in a diner, on a playground (which is easily one of his all-time greatest), in a bar, at a house and in a fireworks factory.

Problem is, unlike the first film, this one takes awhile to get going and then once it does, the action scenes seem almost like a reward for sitting through all the drama, as opposed to a natural flow of 50/50. The first bit of action you get is almost 20 minutes in and the next doesn’t happen for almost a half an hour later. After that, there are maybe 2 or 3 very brief bits of action, but nothing big until an hour later, just before the credits. The scenes are fucking great, but it’s borderline arduous getting to them.

In my opinion, no martial arts movie should be longer than 100 minutes. After that point, there is usually a problem with too much filler and the film suffers for it. When I watch martial arts, all I need (want) is a simple story that delivers the scenarios necessary to set-up the action. I’m not watching them for their dramatic ambiance. But, whatever, that’s just me. The film is still quite fun and the action and stunts are classic top-notch Jackie. It falls short of matching the first, but it’s still definitely worth a watch.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Jackie Chan is Traffic Officer Chan Ka Kui Part 2

-Runs across a freeway of speeding cars.
-Within the first 20 minutes, he gets reprimanded twice by his dickhead Sergeant and, tiring of the bullshit ‘rules’,  turns in his badge. Officially making him a vigilante, and twice as badass.
-Knocks a guys head through a dish cabinet drawer with his foot.
-Beats off 10 steel-pipe wielding goons with his kung-fu.
-Jumps on top of a speeding car to avoid being smashed by it.
-Visits the home of his old rival in search of his kidnapped girlfriend, beats up the guards and throws a barbeque grill through a pane glass window.
-Gets tortured by having large snap-pops thrown on his face and bare chest.
-Defuses a bomb strapped to his chest with a pair of pliers and some wire stripped from a car.
-Fights two kung-fu experts and a lunatic deaf-mute fire-bomb throwing midget. At the same time. And wins.
-And according to his girlfriend, he looks very smart in his uniform.

[THE BODY COUNT: TWO]

Two guys get blowed up, but much like the first film, it’s all about the beatdowns which, like I said above, are superb—when they get around to them.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

Chan vs. The Monkey Man

It’s odd to see a guy smaller than Jackie, that can kick as much, if not more, ass. What makes this fight so good, is that the villain was completely unassuming as a badass. Monkey Man (I call him that, ‘cuz he makes monkey noises, not because I’m racist) pretty much owns Chan, who only wins due to his perseverance and skill with adapting to his environment. The exchanges are crazy fast, and surprisingly brutal, despite all the comedy. It’s good stuff.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Once again, Chan spends most of his free time trying to salvage his fractured relationship with his girlfriend. Though he is so bad at relating to women that I am starting to wonder if this is his first time being in a relationship with one. There is also a scene in which she berates him for being such a douche all the way through his department and into the men’s locker room, giving the audience a healthy amount of man-ass eye-candy.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Chan’s girlfriend gets bitch-slapped, then punched by the evil Broken-Glasses Man. Later, Chan ditches her on a plane for his job, leaving her to fly out of the country (on their vacation, no less) alone without her passport and she gets detained in a foreign country, ‘cuz he forgets all about her and doesn’t make the calls necessary to remedy the situation. Then, when trying to win her back, Chan is attacked by The Broken-Glasses Man and when fired upon by a shit-slinging squirt gun, he ducks and she gets fapped in the face. Even more later, she is kidnapped and tortured by having large snap-pops thrown at her body.

Also, Chan body-slams a black market dealer’s girlfriend into a wall and lays down his pimp hand on her twice until she learns that women are meant to be seen, not heard (Bottom-Right).

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

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Police Story 2 copyright held by Golden Harvest

There are quite a few spectacular stunts in this movie, and although this one may not look as impressive as some of the later ones, it’s probably the most dangerous, as that is REAL glass he hurls himself through off the top of that bus. Understandably, he cut his head the fuck-up and all because they didn’t have the time or money to replace it with candy-glass.

There isn’t much for one-liners, but the following made me laugh, simply because he is setting a dude’s crotch on fire while saying it…

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Jackie Chan really hates crime—and women.

[THE GIST OF JACKIE: 5 outta 5]

[X] Breaks Into Someplace Or Escapes By Way Of Acrobatics
[X] Has An Annoying Tag-Along Companion
[X] Makes The ‘OW!’ Face And/Or Rubs A Soar Spot
[X] Performs A Ridiculously Dangerous Stunt
[X] Uses A Random Object To Defend Himself

[THE CHECKLIST: 19 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[  ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[  ] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[Police Story 3: Super Cop]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Oh, No! There’s A Woman Expressing Her Opinion! Hold Jackie Back!

Bronx Executioner: The Bronx and Executioners Sold Separately

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Bronx Executioner a.k.a. Il giustiziere del Bronx (1989): Breakdown by Rantbo

Robots that look like people, hate people who act like robots and other slightly different robots that look like people. ~BANG BANG! RAPE! REUSE!~

[THE EXECUTION]

The “film” is titled, BRONX EXECUTIONER. This is odd as it doesn’t take place in the Bronx or feature an executioner. There is no plot, no character development, no talent and it’s easily one of the worst movies I’ve ever had the pleasure of viewing. The story is like someone took a foreign BLADE RUNNER-spoof porno, wrangled up some homeless people to provide a dub, and replaced all the sex scenes with stock footage of New York City and a 1960’s documentary about NASA.

And here is the resulting story, so far as I can gather: A guy named James wants to be the Sheriff of some land outside of a European castle. Which happens to be the location of an on-going war between a gang of androids and a gang of humanoids. Why they hate one-another, is anybody’s guess. The tale begins with James meeting up with the man he’ll be replacing, a Luis Gossett Jr. looking fellow, named—The Black Guy—I shit you not. So, The Black Guy has James perform a terribly edited montage of backyard wrestling training for the position, which he wins through perseverance in the face of grade school criticisms. Then James goes on to help a big muscley gay man named Dakar kill some androids in revenge for them killing his human girlfriend—or something. To say the least, this is not exactly what I expected after looking at the DVD cover (see above image).

Nothing on that is in the movie. Seriously—Nothing. No guy in a cloak, no Bronx, no Executioner, no half-nude silver demon man in denim jeans—nothing. It’s just one big consumer joke.

Even at 92 minutes, this film feels drawn out. Which is probably because it is. I lost count of how many times footage was inserted for no reason other than for something to show while a voiceover provided exposition and the number of times previously shown footage was lazily repeated time and again. It’s like in NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4, when Alice and Dan are trapped in Freddy’s nightmarish time loop and can’t escape doing the same thing over and over again—only that was entertaining.

I think you get the point. But, if you recall, I said above “…one of the worst movies I’ve ever had the pleasure of viewing” and I meant that. This flick was hysterical. I laughed my nuts off, ladies and gentlemen. The voice “acting” alone was worth the five bucks I paid to have this piece of shit on my DVD shelf.  Like a giant turd that snakes the toilet and that disgusting urge to show someone the marvel of your bowels before flushing it out of existence, this is one of those movies I’ll revisit at least once or twice more, for the sake of conversation. So, as this movie will provide me with an odd sense of masochistic pride, as I will no doubt dupe others into watching it, I have to say it was oddly worth watching.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Gabriele Gori is Sherriff James Crowley a.k.a. White-Man

Outside of his name, that’s all you really get to know about the guy. He simply isn’t developed. Best I can give him is he shoots a handful of baddies at the end in a sequence straight out of a late-80s arcade rail-shooter. Oh and Gabriele does have some kick ass theme music that reminded me of ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK—for about 30 seconds.  Then they just looped it and it didn’t stop until just before the credits.

Alex Vitale is Dakar

The Black Guy: The head of the humanoids. He looks like a walking mountain, I’ve seen him beat 20 androids into a pulp. It sounds strange to say this about a machine, but there is something human about Dakar.

He’s big, he’s dumb, he’s gay and he snaps necks with his fore-arm. There, I just spoiled the whole movie.

[THE BODY COUNT: 60ish & A DOBERMAN PINCHER]

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly just how many people were killed, as like I said above, like a dog eating its own shit, they reused a ton of their own footage. Once I was able to discern just who the bad guys and the good guys were, I came out with an approximate 20 kills for the Good and around 40 for the Bad. 99% of which are bloodless shootings, but the good guys do manage to snap a couple necks, including that poor artificially intelligent doggie.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

This one easily goes to some dumb skank that tries to flee the castle after Dakar and the humanoids attack. She makes it about 50 yards on a dirt bike before getting blasted by a shotgun, which magically sets her on fire.

Those flames you see to the right of the smoke are coming out of the android’s ass. Pretty cool, huh?

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Well, despite all that bullshit about his escaped fuck-doll, Dakar is clearly a gay. He wears the shredded remains of a wife-beater (held together by suspenders), leather studded punk bracelets, a leather studded punk belt, leather army boots and a pair of Van Damme’s pants from LIONHEART. Which don’t fit him.

The guy looks like a bouncer for a back-alley night club. And then there’s his voice. Picture Lenny from OF MICE AND MEN, only gay and trying to do his best Arnold Schwarzenegger impression. It’s hysterical.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Dakar’s female human love slave is captured by the opposing side, raped and shot. At least—I think she was raped. Both the girl and her male attacker kept their pants on and fully zipped-up, so I can only assume that she was violated in some way do to the amount of crying and resistance she put up. Maybe the androids penetrate women through their bellybuttons, as her shirt was ripped and the guy was barely wearing one underneath his leather vest. Though I’m not sure, as I’m no doctor.

It’s almost like a rape dress rehearsal. Like they were filming the practice run and then just said, “Fuck it.  We’re almost out of film.  Good enough.”

Also, the “Rapist’s” bad guy buddies filmed his dirty deed and later they all sit around watching it for laughs. And it is somehow three times as long, which is odd. This also puts the Head Female Henchwoman, Margie, in the mood for topless groping.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

EP-M: Dakar Goes After His Woman

I chose this sequence, as it made me laugh the hardest. I dare you not to chuckle…

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THE LINE:

[The Head Female Android is asked if she loves her henchman, named Shark]

“I only love death. Other people’s death—naturally.”

Naturally.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Apparently android’s asses are filled with gasoline.

[THE CHECKLIST: 15 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[  ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Mmm, Pretending Our Flesh Is Touching Get’s Me Sooo Hot!

The Bronx Executioner (1989)  © Gala Film, Cannon Film Distributors and Brentwood Home Video

Taken killcount

Taken (2008)

Starring Liam Neeson

Watch video:

Music, film and photography on Clowdy.com

Neeson kills 34

Discuss

Taken rights held by 20th Century Fox.

The Butcher: I’ll Take A 95min Uncut Chunk Of Raw Action Meat, Please.

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

The Butcher (2007): Breakdown by Rantbo

Aging mob enforcer is forced out to pasture. Takes the rest of the herd with him.

[THE EXECUTION]

Much like Eric Roberts, Merle ‘The Butcher’ is an aging all-but-forgotten badass on the verge of forced retirement. A one-time prize-fighter and current mob enforcer, Merle is counting the days to his pink-slip (death certificate) and eagerly awaiting an opportunity to get out with a stash of retirement money, as he’s blown all his savings in long-shot gambles. Merle isn’t exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, but what he lacks in brains, he makes up for in balls. Big, wrinkly, battle-worn manticles. Which he uses to pump himself up before shooting the shit out of his former employers. So naturally, THE BUTCHER is fun for the whole family.

Apparently, this flick was made about 2 or 3 years ago and even though it wasn’t really on the radar, it fell off it just the same. But, thanks to the Gods of Action, there is the glorious DTV market of under-appreciated hardcore violence gold. And l’m happy to say, THE BUTCHER delivers just that.

Almost the entire first hour is pretty low-key and mostly just features Roberts driving around with a chip on his shoulder. He held my interest by a thread with the kicking of an occasional ass, but I was starting to think this movie would be getting no more than a 5 outta 10, at best. But then, the killings began. Turns out good things do indeed come to those who wait.

There are 3 very bloody, very well shot, very kick-ass shootouts in the late second and third act, that easily made up for the lackluster first half. THE BUTCHER brought back memories of AN EYE FOR AN EYE and LEGACY OF RAGE and other Heroic bloodshed movies that fell just short of making it to a John Woo level of greatness. Not too shabby for an almost lost DTV actioner.

As far as recommending it, absolutely. It’s rare to see a well done shoot ‘em up now a days, especially one starring Eric Roberts, Robert Davi, Keith David AND Michael Ironside. Fuck Yeah. It’s not a perfect film, but after you get past the first act set-up, it kicks ass like a steel-toed boot. It’s definitely worth a rental, but I think I’ll personally be picking up a copy of the DVD for my collection.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Eric Roberts is Merle ‘The Butcher’ Hench

“Merle was a one-time gunman, one-time prize fighter. A man who now preferred a drink over a fight.”

“That left hand of yours could decapitate a grown man.”

[Stripper, after grabbing Merle’s crotch] “OH! Jesus, Mister!”

“There’s very few men who could beat you on the drop, Merle. [You're] One of the old timers Merle—one of the greats.”

Weapons of Choice: Duel Gold Plated .45s “Tiffany company couldn’t do better.”
Vehicle of Choice:  Black ‘69 Dodge Charger, with a full 40 magnum big block and the original super-b four speed. This car itself is more bad ass than most 00s Action ‘Heroes’.

Simply put, this is THE most badass character Roberts has ever played. And that includes Alex Grady. He’s a one-man fucking army and he even manages to wear a double-loop earring without looking remotely like a pussy.

[THE BODY COUNT: 31]

“It all comes down to fundamentals.”
The Butcher lives up to his name with a very satisfying 28 kills by way of the gun. It’s glorious. The other two are random bad guy hits via flashbacks on people we never met, nor cared about. BUT, one of those two is done by the hands of Michael Ironside, who amazingly enough is only in the film for like a minute and a half, but still manages to make a bloody good impression. Not too bad for a walk on role. [The final kill is a spoiler.]

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

The honors go to Random Thug Franco and his devoted portrayal of a zit popping (and yes, that mess was his head).

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

None whatsoever. Eric Roberts is straighter than Peter North’s dick. However, he does turn down a duo-lap dance by two better than average looking strippers—but to be fair, he was working at the time and fuck paying cash for ass when you’re Eric Roberts and can get it for free.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

As I mentioned above, there are a couple scenes at a strip club, but nary a nipple is shown and when the shit hit’s the fan, not one fake titty takes a lead injection. Even Roberts’ love interest keeps her bra AND panties on to fuck. Which is odd, considering that this was done independently and wasn’t rated by the MPAA. How they couldn’t find a handful of desperate F list “actresses” to flaunt their assets, is something I don’t understand and will never forgive the filmmakers for. Such a missed opportunity…

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

EP-M: Shootout at the OK Ka-Nipple

Coming back to the scene of the missing mob-money robbery, The Butcher attempts to make good and clear his name, by blaming the mess on Robert Davi. Which is only a half truth. As Merle was quite the opportunist and took a bag for himself, which the badguys happen to have on tape. He is, however, given an out by just returning the money he took. Awesomely, Merle says fuck that noise and earns his share in blood.

Making like a cowboy, Butcher wastes the launderer and his guard, grabs a machine gun from off the wall (why there was a fucking machine gun on the wall is a mystery, but it’s best not to ask questions when such good Action is afoot) and shoots his way out of the club. Though regrettably none were shown, this sequence was still the tits.

THE LINE:

After The Butcher gets the drop on his would be backstabbing killer and blows his brains out onto a wall…

“I may not live long, Eddie—but I’m livin’ longer than you.”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Never gamble when you’re desperate—unless you’re Eric Roberts. In that case, do it. But wear a flack-jacket.

[THE CHECKLIST: 13 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[  ] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[  ] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting [Garrett Warren &
Luke Lafontaine]
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

“OH! Jesus, Mister!”

The Butcher © World Films and 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment

The Old Indiana Jones Adventures: Part One

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984): Breakdown by Rantbo

Indiana fights Chinese gangsters, becomes a zombie, whips some cult ass and saves a large group of malnourished children from manual labor.

[THE EXECUTION]

Shanghai, 1935 and in a classic Bondian fashion, Indiana Jones is finishing up a un-filmed mission in China. And after a brilliant action-packed chase sequence, he’s off and falling into India for his first (chronologically and adult) cinematic adventure.

Jones—Indiana, Jones.

It is here that he agrees to aid a small peasant village in retrieving their lucky Sankara stone and rescue their children from a corrupt cult-infested palace. Along for the ride is a troublesome American singer (Steven Spielberg’s wife) and Indy’s faithful child sidekick, Short Round (Data from THE GOONIES).

TEMPLE OF DOOM was easily my favorite of the Indy flicks growing up. It’s dark tones, disturbing violence and creepy imagery really appealed to the Horror movie pallet I had as a child, and is partially responsible for my tastes switching to an Action centric diet in my late teens. I still love the film and unlike a lot of Indiana fans, regard it to be just as good as all the others.

The story is dark, but much like chocolate, it’s only richer because of it. The filmmakers took a chance on having an established globe-trotting hero stay in one place for the bulk of the adventure, but when the task at hand involves rescuing a bunch of enslaved children, I for one found it easy to understand and forgive this often brought about negative aspect.  Not to mention how intricate and well designed the eerie temple sets were. And though the story is easily the most bleak of his filmed adventures, they still managed to pepper in a great blend of humor and heart to the tale. The relationship between Indy and Short Round is classic, for instance.

I, unlike most (I’ve dishearteningly found out), love Shorty. Sure, the character could be seen as a stereotype and nuisance, but I think Johnathan Ke Quan was a blast. With most child actors, I quickly wish upon them a quick and painful death. On screen and off. But, for some reason, Quan never bothered me. Maybe it was his Engrish accent and biting quips that made me laugh as a child. Or perhaps it was the backwards baseball cap and my love for THE GOONIES. I’m not sure. One thing’s for certain though, if it wasn’t for his character’s heroism, Indiana would still be a Thuggee zombie, so he deserves some respect. His performance was heartfelt, honest, funny and made it easy to believe that he could be close friends with Indy, despite their age and racial differences. So to all you Shorty haters, “Am-scray!” (that means ‘fuck off’ in 30s lingo).

DOOM’s Action is top notch and even after seeing this movie a dozen and a half times, I still get giddy when I think of Indy fighting off the slave-drivers, swinging from the cavern’s rafters, fighting in a speeding mine-cart and clinging to a cliff face. I can’t say enough good things about how well Spielberg shot and put this together. They just simply do not make ‘em like this, anymore. And by ‘they’ I mean the exact same people. Made back when Lucas still had the sense to stick to story and support. When Spielberg was still climbing to his eventual peak (JURASSIC PARK) of cinematic adventure and visual splendor. And when Ford seemed willing, able and pleased to be the character. Ah, the 80s…

Anyways, before I go on gushing too long, I’ll just say that TEMPLE OF DOOM is pure B-Action movie gold. A true blast of an adventure and if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, shove a lit torch into their chest, as they are clearly under the spell of some bad juju.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Harrison ‘Built’ Ford ‘Tuff’ is Doctor Henry ‘Indiana’ Jones, Jr.

The intellectual’s Superman, Jones is teacher by day, globe-trotting archeologist and ass-kicker by the weekends and holidays. With the tucking in of his spectacles and the brandishing of a whip, mere man becomes legend. Indiana is the tattered waving flag of the long forgotten out-post. Braving storms, time and the apathy of his fellow man. He does what he must, not for glory (though that he does receive from the hearts and minds of those he touches), but purely for the good name of man and for future generations to grow and learn without oppression and tyranny. Brave, heroic, steadfast, strong and kind,  Indiana Jones is THE American Adventuring Hero. Along his journeys he risks life and afterlife to save a cursed village and their children, exposes the Third Reich for their evil intentions and deeds and kicked ass for father and lord, without question or reward. In short, to know him, is to worship him.

A Short Document Of  His Legend For This Installment:

-Kills a man with a shish-kabob.
-Beats up an Asian stunt team, while poisoned and dying.
-Jumps out of a plane with nothing but an inflatable river-raft, rockets down a snow-covered peak, flies off a several hundred foot cliff and survives without a scratch.
-We find out that the Sultan of Madagascar threatened to cut off his—misunderstanding, if he ever returned to his country. Player.
-Nothing shocks him—he’s a scientist.
-He’s an authority in primitive sexual practices, as he’s had “Years of fieldwork.”
-Gets whipped by a mongoloid, doesn’t cry out.
-Has a burning torch held to his chest. He does cry out on that one—he is human, after all.
-Stops a speeding-out-of-control mine cart with his feet.
-Severs the rope-binds of a cliff bridge–while standing in the middle of it. “He no nuts—he crazy!”
-Gets in a fist fight, while dangling a hundred feet above a gaggle of hungry crocodiles on his newly created rope-ladder.
-Whips his trophy around the waste and drags her in for some lovin’.

[THE BODY COUNT: 33]

Indiana delivers with his highest body count in the series, a very satisfying 20 dead bad guys. Another 9 kills go to Team Indy, via an impressive 3 kill punch by Kate Capshaw and some British soldiers who cap some Thuggee ass. The bad guys manage to take out one of Indiana’s buddies in the beginning and they sacrifice one of their own to appease their god, Kali. The remaining two are a couple of decomposing corpses Indy finds in a wall. Spooky.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]

Indiana vs.The Slave Driver

After returning from the dark side, Indy is pissed and looking to take out his aggression on the big lug who’s been torturing children. It would have been a landslide victory for Jones, but the big bearded bastard was being aided by a cheating little bitch with a voodoo doll. But, Short Round steps up, once again (respeck), and balances the fight-scales, giving Indy an opportunity to slam the Thuggee fucker in the gut with a saw blade and beat him into a rock crusher. Squish.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Not too much. This takes place in the thirties, when men were men and women were their disposable pursuits. The film does however, open with a bunch of guys watching a musical number. Then, later on, Harrison Ford is brainwashed into being a sweaty, shirtless man-slave.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Setting on-screen woman back to 1935—allow me to introduce…

Wilhelmina ‘Willie’ Scott

“The biggest trouble with her is—the noise.”
I concur. Willie is a loud, annoying, complaining, shallow, shrewish bitch that refuses to shut up or stop screaming—ever. So, pretty much an accurate portrayal of a 1930’s American woman.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

The head Thuggee, Mola Ram, TEARS A GUY’S FUCKING HEART OUT! With his bare hand no less! AND he does it with such precision, his ‘patient’ lives after having it done. For awhile, anyways. “Kali ma, shakthi deh! “

“Mola Ram, prepare to meet Kali—IN HELL!”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Fortune and glory come second to helping out poor people. What a bunch of Om Namha Shivaye.

[THE CHECKLIST: 16 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, chronologically speaking]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

: -(

Battle Creek Bore

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

The Big Brawl a.k.a. Battle Creek Brawl (1980): Breakdown by Kain424

In an alternate 1930s America, where Chinese men can become wealthy doctors and date Caucasian women without it causing a stir, Jackie Chan must enter a fighting tournament to win back his brother’s kidnapped mail-order wife.  Also, there’s a roller derby for some reason.

[THE EXECUTION]

Here lies an interesting little film, made back when the Kung Fu craze began by Bruce Lee was finally dying down.  Jackie Chan had become a rather big star in his native China, and was now set to move to the international scene.  The director, and much of the crew, from Enter The Dragon was hired by Warner Brothers to make it all happen.  Unfortunately, Jackie Chan was not Bruce Lee.

Even in China, Chan’s films floundered when they attempted to match the serious tone of Lee’s movies.  Lee’s films were less about style than drama and power.  Chan, who had worked with Lee in both Fist Of Fury and Enter The Dragon, made lighter films, full of comic relief.  Instead of the flexed power of Lee, Chan was fast, acrobatic, and rhythmic.  So to watch The Big Brawl is an interesting experience, both fun and sad.

The biggest flaw in this film is not, however, that the film makers want Chan to be Lee, but that the comedy is simply underdone.  In a film that is apparently aware of Jackie’s comic ability, there are many jokes that just go nowhere.  For instance, when Kwan’s brother’s wife is switched with a bubblegum-chewing prostitute, you’d expect all sorts of fun hijinks, but it is never mentioned again.  This sort of thing goes on and on throughout the film, making it more boring than better.  All that’s left is the fighting, and even that gets bungled.

Most of Chan’s opponents are huge musclemen, very strong but very slow.  Chan essentially runs circles around them, and in classic comic fashion.  And when I say classic, I mean very classic.  Think Three Stooges and Buster Keaton meets Speedy Gonzáles (also from Warner Bros.) and you’ll have a clue what I mean.  Almost all of the fights feature a frustratingly awkward slowness on the one side, and a ridiculous speed (if somewhat reserved at times) on the other.  It can get painful to watch at times.

So how much you enjoy this film, set in the 1930s but featuring a 70s-style roller derby, will depend greatly on how you can handle the Three Stooges and, well, Jackie Chan on a bad day.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Jackie Chan is Jerry Kwan

Chan plays Kwan as a sort of happy-go-lucky guy, as he normally plays his characters, with little flare other than his relationship with Kirsten DeBell’s character.  He’s sort of a goofball, but is being trained by his uncle, Mako, (yeah, I know he’s Japanese, but whatever) to become a bad-ass.

Jerry’s not about being strong, but instead, a sort of durable, speeding, rollerskating kick-artist.  It works when he’s fighting, but nothing about him is intimidating to even the weakest of the goons whom he opposes.  Bad-ass or not?  I’d say not.

[THE BODY COUNT: 1]

Jackie’s fiercest opponent, to give you another idea of the tone of this film, is a guy called Billy Kiss.  This is apparently a nick-name, because Billy likes to kiss his opponents after beating them and hugging them to submission.  One hug goes too far and kills a guy, and it’s mentioned that this has happened in the past.

Still, that’s one kill.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

Though I enjoy the end fight between Jerry and Billy Kiss, I enjoy the fight in the theater much more.  Jackie is finally able to let loose, and with lightning speed, takes out several 30s goons with his Mako-trained kung fu skills.  It borders on Bruce Lee imitation, but it’s still pretty cool.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

It’s about as gay as a film can be that begins and ends with a man kissing another man.  As I mentioned above, the fiercest enemy in this film is a huge guy who hugs and kisses his opponents.  If that’s not enough for you, then this film also features more bears than a zoo, but with way less clothing.  Prepare for a lot of man-meat when watching this one, folks.  And bring a handkerchief.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

The women in this film are completely there for the sake of it.  They are sexual objects and pawns, providing very little to the story.  Sure, the whole point of Jackie entering in the fight contest is to get his brother’s MAIL-ORDER BRIDE back, but once the fight is over, so is the movie.  Do they get her back?  No one cares.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

My favorite moment is the chase scene between Billy Kiss and Jerry Kwan.  Billy chases Jerry through a crowd of fight spectators, with Kwan cartoonishly popping up in different disguises throughout.  This is all done in a single crane shot, showcasing Jackie Chan’s incredible speed.  Just try following him!

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My favorite line actually belongs to this old, batty lady that’s in the film for only a couple scenes.  Still, she’s so goofy that she winds up being hilarious.  One 30s gangster, talking about how he could find Chan’s character, get this retort from grandma:

“You couldn’t find a whore on Russ Street.”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Speed beats power.  And don’t feed the bears.

[THE GIST OF JACKIE: 5 outta 5]

[X] Breaks Into Someplace Or Escapes By Way Of Acrobatics
[X] Has An Annoying Tag-Along Companion
[X] Makes The ‘OW!’ Face And/Or Rubs A Soar Spot
[X] Performs A Ridiculously Dangerous Stunt
[X] Uses A Random Object To Defend Himself

[THE CHECKLIST: 10 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[  ] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting [Jackie Chan]
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[  ] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[  ] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

Battle Creek Bear Hug

The Big Brawl © Warner Bros., Golden Harvest & 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment

Spider-Man: Issue #1: Monologues And Origins

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Spider-Man (2002): Breakdown by Rantbo

Spider-Man, Spider-Man.
Does whatever a spider can.
Spins a web, any size.
Catches thieves just like flies.
Look out! Here comes a lucrative franchise.

[THE EXECUTION]

I’d like to think that most people reading this would at least be familiar with the story of Spider-Man’s origin, which is what this movie follows (fairly closely), so for brevity’s sake, here’s the short version. A teenage nerd, Peter Parker, gets bitten by a radioactive (genetically engineered, in the movie) spider on his class field-trip to a laboratory. And the spider bite transforms Peter overnight into a beefcake with spider-like powers. Then, soon after losing his beloved Uncle to an incident that he could have prevented had he not been a fuckass, he has to make a choice; wallow in self pity or atone. Parker decides to do both. Using his powers for the good of society, he creates a secret crime-fighting identity, Spider-Man, and spends the rest of his life (and the film) juggling his duel lives.

Unlike most super-hero origin movies, this one didn’t bug me. I guess it’s because, growing up, I was such a fan of not just Spidey, but Parker too. I was thoroughly entertained just watching the story unfold in its own time. I love his backstory, his wit and his relatable common-man problems. And, subsequently, I really dug the movie, so it’ll probably be easier (and shorter) to just mention the things I didn’t like.

Mary Jane: While she does have a stupendous rack, it takes more than a full sweater to make me accept Kirsten Dunst as Mary Jane Watson. Let me state, before I hate, that I couldn’t score a girl that looks like her without serious cash. She’s cute in her own way and I’ve liked her in several films, but in my opinion as a critic and as a big fan of the character, Kirsten Dunst fails as M.J..

The Mary Jane in the comics was a model and total knock-out babe. The whole point was that a nerd like Peter Parker, would never have been able to score a chick like that in a million years without the perfect circumstances. She’s his perk for all the shit he has to go through being a misunderstood hero. He gets his ass kicked, publicly slandered and has to work a day job—but it averages out as he gets to come home to a gorgeous copper-top. But in the movie, M.J. is so painfully ordinary that I completely believe these two could and would have ended up together, Spider-Powers or no. What with his large nose, big head and goofy facial expressions and her gummy smile, thin lips and—goofy facial expressions—where’s the added benefit? But, that’s probably what the filmmakers were going for. Personally, and I know it’s been said by others, but I think the role should have been played by Alicia Witt. Or, even better, made his love interest be Gwen Stacy, like in that comic that everybody seemed to like. But, whatever. Dunst isn’t terrible and she does have a pretty good scream. Probably do to those impressive lungs…

The Green Goblin: Not Willem Dafoe. In fact, I think he’s probably the most perfect bit of casting outside of J.K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson. The problem I have is, I can’t understand why they chose to make him look like a fucking Power Ranger villain.

Especially when you have an actor as creepy looking as Willem Dafoe. That dumbass mask was a joke compared to what Goblin could have been if he were simply in some green make-up that accentuated Dafoe’s already spooky features.

Macy Gray: Groan, why?  At the time, it was horrifying. And now, in retrospect, it’s terrible. But the worst thing—the thing that makes me cringe every time I hear it, is that dumbass goomba on the bridge at the end that starts talking shit to the Green Goblin. “You mess with one of us, you mess with ALL of us!”. Oh, man I hate that guy. “Yeah, dis is New Yowk, we all one entity after 9/11, don’t yous know dat? You green peckerhead!”  That’s it for what I didn’t care for.

As far as superhero movies go, this is definitely one of the rare good ones. It’s has a great story, the characters are superb and the action is fun, fast-paced and well shot. Most importantly, it REALLY felt like watching a live-action Spider-Man comic. Unlike the fucking X-Men or Fantastic Four. Raimi’s style applies itself wonderfully to the subject material and though it’s probably futile to do so (as I’m sure everyone who watches movies has already seen it) I highly recommend watching it. At least once, if for no other reason than so you can check out the even more rare superior sequel, with a full knowledge of what happened before.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Tobey Maguire is Peter Parker is Spider-Man

Spider-Man wasn’t part of a team, he didn’t have a trust fund to fall back on and he wasn’t an over-powered douche like Superman. He’s just a young smart guy, trying to do the right thing, while still protecting the ones he loves. Spider-Man is, for me, the perfect comic book hero. A nerd with super-strength, that gets to fuck a red-headed supermodel. Pretty much my fantasy since 1993.

-He has super strength, agility, balance and speed.
-Can cling to walls.
-Has a precognitive “Spider-Sense” that allows him to avoid danger
-Is very smart and excels at science, chemistry and physics.
-And much like John Spartan, is a damn fine seamstress.
Also, according to Parker, he beat an old lady with a stick to get some cranberries for Thanksgiving dinner. That’s a bad mutha fucka right there.

[THE BODY COUNT: 13]

Uncle Ben gets killed, his killer accidentally kills himself and the Green Goblin kills ten more and then himself. First he kills one of his lead researchers. Then he blows the Hell outta three government stooges with some missiles. And the final 6 he uses a flash grenade pumpkin bomb, which turns them into skeletons for some fucked up reason.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

The Human Spider vs. BONESAW McGraw!

Spider-Man’s first true villain. BONESAW is played by Randy ‘The Macho Man’ Savage and personally, it’s the most memorable part of the film. Spidey fights BONESAW for a supposed $3,000 in order to buy a car to impress Mary Jane. The fight itself is nothing too special; mostly just Spider-Man jumping around and BONESAW smashing him with a folding chair. What makes it my favorite fight sequence is the pure novelty of seeing Spider-Man fight The Macho Man. Oh, and Spidey whips his ass. “Oh—YAYUH!!”

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Well, aside from wearing a colorful skintight bodysuit, Spider-Man also shoots pearl-white ropes of sticky goo out of his wrists. That’s pretty gay. To further his queerness, he spends the entire film pining for Mary Jane’s affections, yet every time he comes close to winning her over, he shuns her out of fear for “her saftey”.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Well, Mary Jane almost gets mugged and most certainly raped, by a bunch of goons. But, who could blame them? I mean, she was dressed like a drunk whore on a Cancun spring-break wet t-shirt competition stage. Later on, of course, she gets kidnapped and used for emotional blackmail against the man who loves her. Oh, women. Plus, she herself admits that she’s just a “…stupid little girl with a crush.”

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Most people probably don’t remember this scene, but it is easily my favorite part in the film. During Thanksgiving dinner, Norman Osborn is starting to lose his control over his split personality more frequently and at random intervals.

Spider-Man 07

He makes to pluck a piece of pie before dinner and Aunt May slaps his hand. We watch as he almost loses his shit and stabs her for daring to fuck with him. I laugh out loud every time I see it.

BONESAW IS REH-DEE!!!

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

With great power, comes large, barely-clothed, rain-soaked titties…

NO! Responsibility. With Great Power, Comes Great Responsibility! Yeah. Like that creepy old man said before he died.

[THE CHECKLIST: 20 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor” [MACHO MAN!]
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[  ] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[X] Tis The Season
[Thanksgiving]
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[Spider-Man 2]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Hey! BRUCE CAMPBELL, LUCY LAWLESS, STAN LEE and ELIZABETH BANKS!