The Beast/Abs/Pecks/Thigh Master

The Beastmaster

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

The Beastmaster (1982): Breakdown by Rantbo

He-Man with less clothes, no guns and more animals.

[THE EXECUTION]

THE BEASTMASTER’s story is like a book of Mad Libs filled in by a demented 3rd grader during a detention for sneaking into the girl’s lockeroom…

Once upon a time there was a fetus that was kidnapped by a zombie-faced witch and put inside a cow. Then along came a man with the throwing blade from KRULL who saved the human-beast baby from being gutted like a fish. Years passed and the mutant cow man learned to kill shit, with the help of a spray-painted tiger and two gay rodents. The Beastmaster used his animal telepathy to seek revenge for his leather-daddy clan’s honor. And after setting a moat of liquid shit on fire, they lived happily ever after.

And I’m conflicted as to whether or not I should recommend this…

On one hand, this movie is an amazing achievement in powering through one of the worst ideas ever imagined. And on the other, you have to sit through it to understand hand one. This is one of those Awesome in it’s Awfulness entries and really reminded me of all those 90s TV shows like HERCULES: THE LEGENDARY JOURNEYS and XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS, only with more titties. In fact, if memory servers, I think this movie was actually created into a show like that. So, in a way, that’s kinda cool. But there is also a bunch of shit that just turned me off of the epic stupidity.

For one, this movie is fucking disgusting.  There’s a race of Bat-Men that digest people in their wings, liquefying their prey into snot. Sick. There is a moat literally filled with liquid bubbling shit. Nasty. There are several young boys that are always naked except for thongs. Disturbing. There are a crew of butterface witches. Obscene. And if that wasn’t enough, there’s even a pregnant woman. It’s fucking gross. Even Tanya Roberts’ knockers couldn’t bring back my boner.

The ADR is atrocious. Every time an animal is shown on-screen (which is a lot, this IS Beastmaster, after all) they dubbed in stock noises of screeching, squeaking and roaring that really got on my fucking nerves. And it didn’t stop with the creatures. Any and all screaming was added in post, which made for awkward scenes of intended terror, as you hear the person screaming, but their mouths aren’t moving.

The fight sequences are pathetic. Even when they are shot well (which is 50/50), the choreography was clunky and laughable. And with how little clothing everyone was wearing, they sure seemed to act as though they were being bogged down by weights. Maybe in this realm the gravity is heavier. I don’t know, but it looked bad. I could keep going, but I think you get the point.

On the plus side of things, this movie could be considered a classic if placed in the comedy section of your local video store. All that crap that I mentioned above can be seen as a positive if you enjoy laughing at the failed efforts of gay sci-fi filmmaker nerds from the 80s. Which I do. And there you have it, my double-edged sword. Watching it now, almost 30 years after it was made, it excretes the charm of a movie made by a group of 9 yr/olds, one of whom happened to have some exotic pets roaming his back yard. So, if you dig Conan AND Masters of the Universe, and wonder what a combination of the two would look like if made by a few sexually confused children, wonder no more. Pick up THE BEASTMASTER and laugh your tits off.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Marc Singer is Dar The Beastmaster

Dar. Born of a cow, which gave unto him the power to telepathically link with animals. OK, so aside from the fact that this is fucking stupid, it takes away a bunch of opportunities in which Dar could kick ass, but instead leaves it up to his furry pals. He does his part, prancing around shirtless in his tiara and swinging around phallic extensions of his shrunken bronzed surfer schlong. Which again, is hilarious. So, it’s hard not to like the guy after putting on such an entertaining show—but he still sucks.

It’s hard to root too hard for a guy that’s willing to manipulate dumb women and then force himself upon them. I mean, would you champion for a fraternity guy who lets his pals beat up on his enemies and then repeatedly tries to date-rape the victim’s girlfriend? Not me. No, the true hero of the picture…

Kodo. A fucking rodent. The title of this movie should have been: THE FERRET KODO AND HIS MANSLAVE DAR.

[THE BODY COUNT: AROUND 80-90, I’D ESTIMATE]

The battle scenes are really hard to distinguish what’s going on, and how many are actually dying. I really didn’t feel like going over any of this movie’s sequences again and again to differentiate. Sorry. I came up with a rough count though.

I figure Dar kills between 12 and 20, Team Beastmaster gets in around another 20-25 and the bad guys rack up around 40. There are also 2 suicides and 2 animals die. This sounds gory and action packed, but it’s really not. Most of the deaths involved bloodless arrow wounds and gashless sword-cuts. It’s pretty lackluster and boring most of the time, thus I didn’t feel like being more accurate.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Dar defies his homosexual urges for but a minute to actually penetrate the belly of a woman. He does it with an actual sword, but I give him an A for effort, despite his inability to even pretend to enjoy it.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

“You trained Tal well… he already has the strongest right hand that any leader of men could want.”

Holy ball-sweat and baby-oil! We have a contender for gayest of all time. I think it’ll just be easier to make a list for this one.

-The main character’s name is Dar The Beastmaster. As if that’s not enough, he also wears a loin-cloth with leather straps, leather wrist bands, leather boots and a tiara. Nothing else.

Insert Joke Of Your Choice Here

-His friends are two ferrets that he carries around in a purse. And a spray painted tiger named Ruh.
-At one point, Dar climbs to the top of a peninsula, removes his leather straps and swings around a log. And I don’t know why? This is seemingly done for no rhyme or reason, but I have one theory and it rests with the duration, which lasts just long enough for an average wank. I think I know what you’re telling me movie…
-The King’s Guard wear leather-daddy bathing suits—and capes.
-Dar is raised by a tribe of sword-wielding loincloth enthusiasts, so if their actual dicks aren’t swinging around, their metaphorical ones are.
-Instead of shaking hands, men grab one-another’s biceps.

-There are these “men” called Death Knights that run around punching things in a wardrobe consisting (yet again) of spiked-leather leggings, spiked-leather gloves, a spiked-leather belt (with a leather thong, of course) and a leather gimp-mask. Nothing else. In fact, all the guys strip down to their underwear and leather straps before fighting. Even the 12 yr old. It’s creepy.

To sum up, every time you see a guy under 40, he’s half-naked, sporting leather, sweating and carrying something phallic. It’s really quite amazing that this isn’t filed under the soft-core porn section of video stores.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

In the opening rape and pillage sack of Dar’s shanty-town, a woman gets her top (if you could call it that) torn off and she runs away with her mud covered titties flopping in the wind.

Later on, Dar takes an odd heterosexual interest in a topless Tanya Roberts and her lesbian swimming buddy. And shortly after, tries to rape her, but gets turned off by her whip scars (assuring us right there that he could never be straight). Then later, he only agrees to help the resistance if she offers herself to him. And this is our hero.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

After failing to sacrifice two children in a row, due to Dar’s hawk picking up the second one and flying off—don’t ask, Rip Torn stairs into the crowd of his un-willing followers dumbfounded. Not sure of what to say about what just happened (who would?), he decides to spin it.

“…You See!? Ar has spoken—he wants your children!”

The funniest part about this is, as soon as the line is spoken, there is one more pause of Rip Torn looking befuddled as if to further say, “Yeah, uh—yeah, you see THAT WAS, that uh, I mean to say—I KNEW that was going to happen!“ and then it cuts to another scene without showing if his audience bought it or not.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Mark Singer was born of a cow—Tanya Roberts, of a fox. Grrrowl.

[THE CHECKLIST: 18 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse*
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[  ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[BEASTMASTER 2: THROUGH THE PORTAL OF TIME]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

*Better, there are at least 3 in a pyramid.

Should We Be Watching This?

The Beastmaster (1982) © MGM and Anchor Bay Entertainment

Rambo, First Blood: Episode III – Revenge of the Al-Qaeda

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Rambo III (1988): Breakdown by Rantbo

Rambo ends the Cold War to save the man of his dreams.

[THE EXECUTION]

Rambo’s Back, Again…

and showing his pecks off to some little kids? Awkward… Anyways, this time, Rambo fights for love. After re-fighting Vietnam and tying up the score, Rambo moved to Thailand and got a fulltime job, sweating at a monastery. Col. Trautman and Clarence from ROBOCOP track him down though, and ask him to kill some more Russians for Uncle Sam. It has been a couple years now, so I guess the Russians could have managed to train more men to replace all the ones Rambo annihilated in ‘Nam, but I think this is one of those ‘grain of salt’ moments. Anyways, Rambo refuses, but when the only person he has ever trusted (read as “loved”), Trautman, is captured by the Reds, Rambo must remove his shirt once again and knock those commie bastards back to the stone age.

The political bullshit takes a new direction this time, but stays true to the “Fuck the Russians” theme of part II. Rambo goes to the aid of the men who would more or less become the Al-Qaeda. Of course, the filmmakers didn’t know what dicks the Afghan rebels would become, but looking back in post 9/11 America at how heroic the people are portrayed, it’s kind-of awkward.

Col. Trautman to Russian Commander: “You expect sympathy! You started this war and now you have to deal with it! You know there won’t be a victory! Every day your “War-Machines” lose ground to a bunch of poorly armed, poorly equipped freedom fighters! The fact is, that you underestimated your competition. If you had studied your history, you’d know that these people have never given up to anyone. They’d rather DIE than be slaves to an invading army. You can’t defeat a people like that. We [America] tried, we already HAD our Vietnam, and now–you’re going to have yours.”

Rebel Fighter to Rambo: “Afghan people fight hard. They never be defeated. Ancient enemy, make prayer about these people… it says,  “May God deliver us from the venom of the cobra, the teeth of the tiger and the vengeance of the Afghan.” You understand what this means?”
“That you guys don’t take any shit.”
“Yes. Something like this.”

The funny thing is, is that right before this movie came out, the Cold War pretty much came to an end. Which blew away any chances of this movie being accepted by the general public. But I was 5 at the time this came out, so I have no opinion on any of the political bullshit that tainted this film’s release. I just see it as a classic tale of never-ending war and the men brave and stupid enough to get involved.

Any sense of reality in this series waved bye-bye long ago, and Rambo has officially become an army of one. He is un-fucking-stoppable. Seriously, someone entered the God Code for this chapter. Rambo runs around the hills of Afghanistan blowing shit up and slaughtering men on a judgment-day scale. It’s ludicrous, laughable and also amazingly entertaining. It’s probably my least favorite of the Rambo series, but for me, that’s like saying a blowjob from a beautiful woman is worse than a blowjob from two beautiful women.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Sylvester Stallone is Afghan Tourist John J. Rambo

“Let me tell you a story… There was a sculptor, and he found this stone. A special stone. He dragged it home and he worked on it for months, until he finally finished it. When he was ready, he showed it to his friends and they said he had created a great statue. And the sculptor said he hadn’t created anything, the statue was always there, he just cleared away the small pieces. We didn’t make [Rambo] this fighting machine, we just chipped away the rough edges.”

“Who is this terrorist!? What makes you so valuable to him! This bastard tried to destroy me tonight! But he failed! At sunrise I will hunt him down and have his skin hanging on the wall!”
“You don’t have to hunt him–he’ll find you.”
“Are you insane? One man against trained commandos–Who do you think this man is–God?”
“No, God would have mercy–he won’t.”

If that doesn’t have you convinced, at the end of the second act, Rambo takes a piece of shrapnel to his midsection. He runs around with it for few hours and then decides to push it out with his finger. The chunk of shit went all the way through his torso and to close the wound, Rambo pours gunpowder into the hole and cauterizes it with fire. He doesn’t even cry.

He then goes on to climb a 100 ft. rockwall with no gear, single-handedly rescues Trautman from a heavily guarded Russian camp and helps to slaughter an entire platoon of invading Commie commandos. You know, I don’t believe in deities. John J. Rambo is my lord and savior.

[THE BODY COUNT: 150, AT LEAST]

Rambo kills 76, outdoing himself this time by racking up an additional 6 men, ON TOP of the last film’s total. The evil commies come closer than anyone else ever has, or will to matching his carnage with an impressive 58 kills. A lot more kills could have taken place, but I was uncertain as there are many shots of women and children running away from or into explosions and we never see them again. Did they die? I’m not sure. I only counted the ones I saw hit the ground after a concussion blast or the ones that where clearly shot. Either way, all of da bad guys’ kills where against ill-equipped men and defenseless women and kids. Cowards.  But, some of them do manage to fight back and I counted an additional 16 kills for Team Fuck The Russians. A good chunk of which was scored by Trautman and it was nice to finally see the old man get his hands dirty. Interesting tidbit, Kain told me that RAMBO III held the ‘Most Violent Movie Ever Made’ in the Guinness Book Of World Records, with 221 acts of violence, at least 70 explosions, and at least 150 on-screen kills. Yeah, this film is pretty cool.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

After annihilating a dozen or so Spetsnaz soldiers, Rambo goes toe-to-toe with the Penultimate Villain in what could only be described as one of the gayest fights of all time. Rambo and the Russian duke it out exchanging punches and grunts until the comrade finally manages to get a hold of Rambo’s slippery sweat-soaked torso and proceeds to try and bear-hug him to death. He almost succeeds too, but Rambo wraps a rope around the fucker’s neck and pulls the pin on his grenade belt. The Russian tries futilely to remove the live one, but is unable to do so as Rambo roundhouse kicks him in the face, which sends him flying backward down a cavernous hole where first his neck snaps, then he explodes.

This Mother Fucker got STALLOWNED! Eat your overkilling heart out, Seagal.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Call Guinness back, we may have another world record. The whole plot of the film is Rambo going through Hell, killing dozens of Russians and earning 6 more scars all to rescue another man.

The film begins with Rambo stick-fighting another shirtless barbarian in a warehouse in Bangkok. Sounds like the setting of a porno scene to me!

Three things have happened since Rambo saved the American POWs; he put on 30lbs of more muscle, started seeing Bon Jovi’s hairstylist, and his knife grew another 4 inches. Further more, I believe that Rambo’s breasts are swollen with more than just lean muscle. I think that he had mammary glands installed to allow his nipples to lactate sweat like a faucet. Rambo is officially king of the gays. You can pretty much pause the film at any random interval and you’ll have yourself a screencap worthy of Playgirl magazine.

There aren’t really any more specific scenes to go on about here, you just have to see it to believe it.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Well, unlike part one, there are several women actually shown in focus, but unlike part two, none of them have names or any effect on the plot. Nope, this movie is about men fighting for other men. Women and their vaginas are for peace-loving hippies and don’t belong on the battlefield with the likes of this machismo.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Zaysen: “Drop your weapons! Now! You have no chance of escape! Come forward! I wish to take you back alive! This is your last warning! The choice is yours!”
Trautman: “What do you say John?”
Rambo: [loads his grenade launcher] “Fuck ‘em!”

The final action sequence is phenomenal. When faced with capture or certain death, Rambo and Trautman choose death. The ensuing battle is total kick-ass entertainment. And if, like me, you’ve ever wondered which would win in a one-on-one fight, a attack helicopter or a tank–wonder no more.

As for the one-liner:
Zaysen: “Who ARE YOU!”
Rambo: “Your worst nightmare.”

You don’t get much more badass than that.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

You fuck with Rambo’s man, he’ll shove a stick up your piss-hole, break it off and stab you with the rest of it.

[THE STALLOWNAGE OF SLY: 5 outta 5]

[X] Frank Stallone/Frank Stallone-esque Inspirational Music
[X] Incapacitates or Kills Someone With His Body
[X] Shows Off Buffness
[X] Social Outcast [Underdog, Has Been, etc]
[X] Sweaty, Veiny Yelling

[THE CHECKLIST: 19 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[Rambo]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

Do you think anyone saw us, Johnny Boy?

They Live, Nada Kills

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

They Live (1988): Breakdown by Rantbo

Rowdy Roddy Piper fights the forces of evil, that none of us can see without sunglasses.

[THE EXECUTION]

America. The land of opportunity—if you’re an alien. As for us lowly working class humans, the ladder of success is a little bit harder to climb when your hands are filled with the heavy tools of manual labor. Such is the case of our hero, Nada (Piper). The film follows this man amongst men as he just tries to eek out a living in the slums of Los Angeles. And things only get a tougher when he inadvertently uncovers a resistance made up of aid-the-homeless volunteers that have a plot to overthrow the upper class. Who on top of being overbearing greedy yuppies, happen to be a race of aliens in disguise bent on world domination through brainwashing corporate advertisements, subversion and promises of riches and fame. Too bad for them, Nada isn’t buying what they’re selling. And not just because he has no money. With little more than a pair of sunglasses and a shotgun, one man will open the eyes of sleepwalking Americans everywhere, and save us from the tyranny and oppression of our corporate alien masters.

Simply put, I love this movie. Absolutely and completely. It’s one of my top ten favorite action flicks and served as the inspiration for the title of the website you are now viewing. THEY LIVE was a statement of the times: The Upper-Class have all the money and control, The Middle-Class obey and the Lower-Class serve to scare the Middle-Class into showing up for work. Don’t worry though action fans, that shit gets put on the wayside soon as Nada finds out that aliens are making the working man suffer. It’s payback time.

It’s an ironic turn of events, as the film becomes about dismantling, through gratuitous violence and destruction, the very machine that made violent action films popular. The Reagan era of conservatism which glorified the right-wing homoerotic heroes of the 1980’s is being confronted and disabled by one of their own. It’s poetic, and more importantly, it’s fucking bad ass. This flick will blow your balls out your asshole and sling-shot ‘em right back into the bag. Any self respecting Action fan will have this film in their DVD stable and worship it regularly. Nuff Said.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

‘Rowdy’ Roddy Piper is Nada

Nada drifts into L.A. without a dollar to his name and everything he owns strapped to his muscular manual-labor defined back. But, he’s an optimist. Nada believes in America and an honest days work, for an honest days pay. The man is the salt of the earth, all-American, working-class hero defined. Could there be a better heroic archetype to battle the tyranny and oppression of the upper class, than a homeless patriot? I think not.

I was never really into wrestling in the 80s, but I knew who Rowdy Roddy was. The bad-ass mother fucker in a plaid skirt, right? Damn right, I’m right.  So it seemed only natural to slap a shotgun in this guy’s hairy-knuckled hand and have him unload it into the chests of unsuspecting villainous outerspaced vermin on the big screen. And not only did the Gods of Action make it so, they did it in a John Carpenter film, where Roddy got to throw down with Keith David and blast round after glorious round into yuppie alien scum. This guy is pure un-filtered, 150% mother fucker and deserves his own national holiday in remembrance for the boot he so vehemently shoved up the Reaganites’ collective asses.

[THE BODY COUNT: 46]

The filthy extra terrestrial corpses don’t start to stink up the joint until almost an hour in, but after the first two alien-pigs bite some bullets, it’s all about the count, baby. Nada himself racks up an impressive 23 alien meat-slabs, many of whom are in authoritative uniforms like the police and national guard, so there’s some icing on this bloody cake of badassness.

Nada’s buddy, Frank (Keith Fucking David), gets his fair amount of licks in too, capping off an additional 8 outerspace invaders before succumbing to a traitorous bitch. Frank isn’t the only good guy casualty either. The bad guys rack up 15 resistance fighters while trying to snuff out Nada’s flame of righteousness. This film delivers like next-day air.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Even though there is no blood, I still have to go with Nada plugging the cunt that betrayed the human race and sucker-shot his butt-buddy Frank. Die, you contemptible creepy-eyed shrew! DIE!!!

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Roddy gets Rowdy for a portion of the film, when he peals off his exterior flannel skin to unveil the beefcake beneath. His glorious blonde mop-top turns out to be the only natural growth of hair on his body, outside of his palms. Everything else is dirt and grease. What a man. Nada slaves away, sweatily shoveling shit with his chiseled physic and even manages to catch the eye of Frank, a man on the fence with his sexuality. Who only needs is a little back-alley nudge to go gay the 80s way.

Frank keeps saying that he has a wife and kids, but there is no evidence to support it. In fact, it’s one of the very first things he says to Nada, which I believe he does as a nice way of saying, “Hey, man, you’ve got a sweet bod, but I‘m just not ready to leave the comfort of my closet just yet.”  But Nada is nothing, if not persistent. He will be Nada’s, oh yes—he will be Nada’s.

Later on, the two end up getting into a one-on-one brawl of epic proportions. For over five and a half minutes the two heavyweights exchange blow for blow, body-slam for body-slam, groin-kick for groin-kick and tackle for tackle. It’s ludicrous in it’s length, but every second is classic. The entire fight is a metaphor for gay lovin’, with one-man’s stubborn refusal to except something new and scary, and another man’s urge to find a partner to share his secrets with.

Frank doesn’t want to upset his world view, (that men belong with women and women only) and Nada is driven by the need to have someone to relate to, and make relations with. It’s quite touching really. The duo end their tissy with a sweaty bruised embrace that creates a bond stronger than Frank’s made-up marriage. He never again brings up his supposed family and that night the two of them check into a flop-house motel and soon as the door closes, Nada says to his new recruit, “Ain’t love grand?” It surly is.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

There is but one named woman in the film and not only does she try to kill Nada, she later re-gains his trust, betrays him again by killing Frank and then tries to convince him to betray his entire race at gunpoint. Women. Thankfully, Nada sets this skank straight by pumping her Lando-ass fulla lead. I’m sure if he had had the time, he would have pissed on her corpse for good measure. I know I would have.

There is a couple more small instances that I should mention as well. Shortly after Nada dons the glasses, he enters a grocery store and verbally unloads on an upper-class cooze.

“You know, you look like your head fell in the cheese-dip, back in 1957.”

This manages to piss off an entire supermarket of bargain-hunting alien bitches, which is of course, very funny.

And the last thing we see before the credits roll are the bouncing breasts of some blonde bimbo as she slowly realizes the “man” she is humping is an alien. “Whatsa matter, baby?” Classic.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Nada has been found out as “one who can see” and is being pursued by the long arm of the alien law. He makes short work of a couple of alien pig-tails by using their own guns against them. Then acting fast, takes one of their belts, a walkie-talkie and most importantly—their squad-car shotgun. His next move is to a nearby bank where he drops off a deposit of sheer awesomeness.

Nada sashays into the building and soon all attention is on our burly hero. Spotting a handful of aliens mixed within the crowd, Nada doesn’t fuck around with the pleasantries of introduction. He cuts straight to the point.

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This is one of the greatest moments in Action Cinema history. And as an added interesting factoid, Roddy ad-libbed the line and Carpenter let him put it in the show. These guys can do no wrong.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

When Roddy Piper tells you to put on the sunglasses, you WILL put on the fucking sunglasses.

[THE CHECKLIST: 15 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[  ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse*
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

*“Whew, it’s like a drug! Wearing these glasses makes you high, but whoa you come down hard.”

“Brother, life’s a bitchand she’s back in heat.”

Armageddon Popcorn Michael Bay Ass-Fuck Suicide

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Armageddon (1998) The Director’s Cut, Now With Three More Minutes Of Heart-Pounding Sentiments And Shitty Dated Rock Music: Breakdown by Rantbo

The power of love, prayer and a windswept Old Glory give a small group of blue-collar Americans the power to save the world from a giant lion-roaring space-rock.

[THE EXECUTION]

Assume The Position, It’s Time To Arma-Get-It-On!

Essentially, the story goes like this: An old man with a “comedically” bitchy wife spots an asteroid coming straight at Earth, he informs the NASsholes and they drudge up the salt of the American Earth to save us all by; going into outerspace, drilling a hole in the rock and dropping a nuke down it. And crying—lots and lots of crying.

Straight to the point: COMMANDO is ridiculous, but ARMAGEDDON? Re-fucking-defines it. There is actually a part in this movie where a guy hits a box with a wrench and it jump-starts a space ship. This couldn’t have been made any more silly than if Fonzie himself fist-bumped the fucking thing and said “Aaayyy!”. This movie is pure, 100% nonsensical garbage. And I’ve realized something after watching this for the first time in over 10 years—ARMAGEDDON IS TRANSFORMERS. With slightly less robots than TRANSFORMERS. Slightly… Which means that Bay has been making the exact same movie for over ten years (a real shocker, I know).

-It’s over an hour before anything happens.

-There are more special effects than ideas.

-The fucking camera NEVER stops moving, EVER.

-It’s packed to the brim with insufferable, un-funny, stupid humor, which cripples every dramatic scene, leaving it to the mercy of the composer to find a reason for us to care.

-It’s borderline racist.

-It’s arguably THE loudest fucking movie ever made. Not a minute goes by where there isn’t someone screaming, something exploding or some overbearingly cliché song blasting at full volume. Dialogue is either shouted at full volume or whispering so quietly that one can’t discern what’s being said ‘cuz the score’s too fucking loud.

-Every situation is a GIANT cock-tease toward something actually happening, thus making moments of“tension” more boring and awkward than a dentist’s waiting room.

-And finally, the last hour is THE most overtly, disgustingly sentimental, flag-waving pro-God / Conservative-American values bullshit I think I’ve ever seen.

I think it’s safe to say that you can place that MB archetype to any of his movies, and it’ll fit. Which, after pointing this out, makes ME the complete idiot for continuing to watch his films. Really, it’s all my fault at this point. I should know better. So rather than to continue pointlessly bitching about my own silly mistake, I’ll just say that ARMAGEDDON is an absolute bore of an action film and a complete waste of time. If you’re over the age of 12, avoid it at all costs.

Also, there had to be at least 8 Aerosmith tracks throughout this film and not one of them was Love In An Elevator. Man, fuck this movie and double-fuck Michael Bay.

————————————————————————————–

Note: While I was typing this up, I decided to turn the commentary on for something to listen to while I worked. Big mistake…

Michael Bay starts the film out by fishing for sympathy for how LONG this movie took him and how HARD the film industry is:

“Making films—is like a war. And any movie that ever gets to the screen, it’s like you’ve won a war. It’s just NOT a glorious business.”

I ask, could this man be anymore diluted and narcissistic? “Making films—is like a war.” Really—Is that so, Michael? Lets ask some actual war veterans how much like watching their friends and family members get torn to shreds by bullets and explosions, how much like what they experienced was like making an overly-hyped, overly-budgeted, shitty movie. The commentary continues…

There was a writer working on this sequence (the opening), he actually BEGGED me to re-write the script and he re-wrote 53 pages in 2 days and I read the script and it was—PURE SHIT.” … “I read the first 5 pages and I told him, “I walked out of the movie theater. Um, I didn’t even, you know, finish my popcorn.” I said, you’ve gotta grab the audience by the balls!”

Bay goes on to say, in so many words, how it wasn’t until the screenwriter came up with the idea to blow the opening space-shuttle up, that his ideas warranted any merit by Bay. I stopped listening right there.

This man has no business making movies. At all. He is pure evil and must be stopped by any means necessary.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Bruce Willis is Mr. All-Go-No-Quit-Big-Nuts Harry Stamper

Harry’s played by Bruce Willis, so that’s more badass than most characters get right there. But, I can’t help but hate Harry. And I don’t think I’ve ever HATED a Bruce Willis joint. Not even LOOK WHO’S TALKING, CHARLIE’S ANGELS 2 or THE WHOLE TEN YARDS, well—maybe that last one…

Every scene with Bruce as the object of focus is just him staring into the camera on the verge of conflicted tears. Tears are for women and men who are NOT Bruce Willis, not Bruce Willis! Honestly, the most badass thing this guy does is try to shoot Affleck with a shotgun, but even then he misses on purpose and later professes his love for him. Yuk.

“You know, drilling’s a science. It’s an art. I’m a third generation driller, doin’ it all my life. And I still haven’t got it all figured out. Now, I assume you sent for me because somebody told you I was the best.  Well, I’m only the best because I work with the best. You don’t trust the men you’re working with, you’re as good as dead.”

Now, what’s weird is, it takes Willis less than a day to be taken to NASA, and I’m assuming another half of one to get the lowdown and take a look at the drill plans they stole from the patent office. He then makes a deal to help, only if he can use his own crew, all of whom were just yesterday all on a rig in the South China Sea, where they just struck oil. Yet now, everyone of them is scattered throughout the United States and have to be tracked down.

Apparently they got the oil flow under control, repaired the damage, squared everything away with their investors, booked a boat off the platform, booked flights back home, took the boat to shore, took the flights back home, got settled and went back to their respective hobbies all in a day and a half? Not to mention, Affleck’s character had time to launch his own business. Pretty fucking impressive, no? But, never the less, here are the parts that make up Stamper’s “badass” sum:

Michael Clarke Duncan is Bear The Big, Black, Gay—BEAR

Ken Hudson Campbell is Max The Fat Momma’s Boy

Steve Buscemi is Rockhound The Loudmouth Mimbo (that’s Male Bimbo)

Owen Wilson is Oscar The Redneck Owen Wilson

Will Patton is Chick The Teary-Eyed Gambler Jerk-Off

Ben Affleck is A.J. The Teary-Eyed Lovable Boyfriend Jerk-Off

Hispanic Guy is The Guy With No Backstory—or name that I can remember…

[THE BODY COUNT: A FUCKING SHITLOAD]

BAD BOYS must not have garnered much in box office receipts overseas, ‘cuz Michael Bay eviscerates Southeast Asia AND Paris. As for the AMERICANS that die, Max floats out into space, Oscar dies on asteroid impact, they never bother to show what happened to Hispanic Guy, so far as I could tell (probably because he’s Hispanic, so who cares, right?), and then Harry takes one for the team and blows himself up setting off the nuke—after a twenty-minute audience hand-job that made the skin on my brain start to chafe.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Ben Affleck’s career.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Air Force General: I’m gonna twist ya. And I’m gonna flip ya. Frap your body till your bones hurt. When you squeal, I’m just gonna go faster and harder.

Well, Bear is gay, but they made no attempt to hide that. At one point he actually strips down to his underwear (a leopard print speedo) and dances in front of his co-workers who hoot and holler like the homoerotic animals they all are. Other than that, there is just Affleck, but everyone makes believe for Arwen’s sake.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

There’s only a few women in the movie. You got; Steven Tyler’s daughter, Teary-Eyed Gambler Jerk-Off’s ex-wife (who forgives all his past transgressions after seeing him walk in slow-motion on TV) and Semi-Hot Female Astronaut Pilot. But there was no overt, or even covert misogyny that I can remember. The best I can think of is an instance where Redneck Owen Wilson asks BEAR if Semi-Hot Female Astronaut Pilot is hot or not. He looks confused (‘cuz, being a Bear, how would he know?), but nods yes before she yells at them to pay attention.

Oh, wait. Some of the guys do go to a strip club the night before they depart and The Mimbo pays a hook—um, a dancer to be his girlfriend when(if) he gets back. And I think she was Russian, so if that isn’t Michael Bay punching below the belt, I dunno what is. Asshole jack-off douche-bag.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

EP-M: Shove It Up Your Ass

Let me state, that while most every time I have or will write in this section, my usage of the term epic will be defined as “the most awesome moment, according to me”. But the word epic is not exclusive to awesome. Nope. Sometimes one uses it as an adjective to describe how truly awful, horrifying and downright disgusting something is. This is one of those times…

The Animal Cracker Scene From Armageddon

If ever there were a more nauseatingly cute, overwhelmingly fake, unrealistically sentimental scene—it has yet to top this horse-shit. They actually make the case that mankind is worth saving for all the other potential couples out there in the world who may be parading edible animals on each other’s bodies. Arrrgh!!!

THE LINE:

In keeping with the flip-flop of describing the worst, here is by far the most stupid thing in the film, not spoken by Affleck in the aforementioned scene.

The Teary-Eyed Gambler Jerk-Off: Oh, man. What’re you doin’ with a gun in space?

God dammit, the fact that someone had to ask that question in a Sci-fi Action movie is a fucking tragedy.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Affleck can’t sing and now I can’t eat animal crackers without hating myself for it. And I fuckin’ hate Michael Bay.

[THE CHECKLIST: 16 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse*
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[  ] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)**
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)***
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

*There’s an oil rig. Close enough for me.
**Not a finishing move, per-say, but this is a Michael Bay film, so there’s about an hour of unnecessary slow-motion. I’m counting it.
***This movie was 2 ½ hours long, with only about 30 minutes of any real plot. I’m checking this off for me.

He’s Got SPACE DEMENTIA!

Armageddon (1988) © MCMXCVIII Touchstone Pictures and Jerry Bruckheimer Inc. and The Criterion Collection

No Retreat No Surrender No Crane-Kicks

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

No Retreat No Surrender a.k.a Karate Tiger (1986): Breakdown by Kain424

Kid trains with the ghost of Bruce Lee to gain peace of mind and defeat Jean-Claude Van Damme in close quarters combat. And with the help of a friend, learns the way of the gay.

[THE EXECUTION]

I should mention, first, that there are two versions of this film.  One, with some scenes missing and containing demo tracks and a song called Stand On Your Own by Joe Torono.  The other, with an 80s synth score and featuring the song Hold On To Your Vision as the main theme.  I will talk about the latter, as that one is the more “complete” version.

Playing like an even more 80s-style (meaning extremely dated), gayer version of The Karate Kid, this film is all over the place in terms of style and acting.  According to Hong Kong film expert Bey Logan, director Corey Yuen saw The Karate Kid and liked it, but thought that the fight scenes could have been much better.  This film is the result, and it shows.  No Retreat No Surrender features better montages, better music, and even a 25 year-old Jean-Claude Van Damme as the final villain of the picture. Sweep THAT, Johnny. With Corey Yuen’s direction, the fight scenes are never a problem.  That said, I like to think of the film as The Karate Kid meets Rocky IV.

mini-Joe-Don-Baker

We got the kid moving in from another town, dealing with local bullies (here, a mini-Joe Don Baker-looking kid plays the bully), and trying to to impress some teenage hottie.  Add to that the outside influence of a fighting tournament in place of a test of manhood and a Russian fighter, and you’ll see what I mean by comparing those other two films.  Interestingly, the politics and morality are switched around here.  While in The Karate Kid Macchio’s stubborn determination and skill eventually win over even the bully that harassed him for the entire film, in No Retreat No Surrender the film’s primary antagonist, Van Damme, actually wins the tournament pretty much fairly.  And even after doing so, he remains the villain, and a victim of circumstance.  His keeper sends him into the ring to “kill” and he nearly does.  But when McKinney charges into the ring (not as a fighter, but as a concerned spectator) and defeats JCVD, Jason is carried into the credits as a hero.

Whatever the issues with the story may be, it still turns out to be a fun movie.  And if you can get past all the 80s costuming and occasional plot hole (when did Jason meet Kelly?), I think you’ll have a good time.  It’s formulaic as all hell, but at least the fights are cool.  However, when there isn’t fighting, there is lame drama and badly done character development.  And it just seems sacrilegious to have the ghost of Bruce Lee pop up and start teaching Kurt McKinney how to handle bullies and train with sand bags.  Way to piss on a guy’s grave.  But check this one out if you can.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Not very.  Kurt McKinney plays his role like a whiny Brandon Lee, always crying about something.  He’s also a jerk and a bully.  While karate sparring (something that seems to be more about posing than anything else), he starts actually beating the hell out of his partner, using Jeet Kun Do.  His father, who is also the instructor, has to stop him and ask what the hell he’s doing.

Sure, McKinney trains in ways that hurt just to look at, but all of the film’s bad-ass points are stolen whenever Van Damme is on the screen.  They should’ve made him the star.

[THE BODY COUNT: ZERO]

Though Van Damme nearly kills two people, he simply never follows through. The morticians were left twiddling their thumbs after this one.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

The final tournament, where Van Damme beats all three of Seattle’s “finest” fighters, one after another.  He absolutely decimates them.  And the final opponent is annihilated the worst of all, with Van Damme wrapping him in the ropes and beating him senseless.  It kicks the shit outta anything in The Karate Kid.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

SUPER GAY!

I mentioned this film in my list of the Gayest Action Flicks for a good reason.  There is an entire subplot, wherein the clearly gay character of RJ helps McKinney’s Jason learn that he is, in fact, a heterosexual.  You see, Jason thinks that, because a bully humiliated him in front the film’s female interest Kelly, he must be gay.  In fact, he wants to be gay.  Jason spends a good portion of the film making awkward advances on RJ, who in-turn, convinces Jason to let his feelings loose in martial arts training, all the while working behind the scenes to hook him back up with Kelly. This all culminates in a dance scene, where Jason just wants to hang out with RJ, but RJ tricks Jason into dancing with Kelly.  Jason, having learned the error of his ways, seems to stop training after this, and returns to his true heterosexuality.

Van DAMN, that's gay!

I’m pretty sure Van Damme remains gay, though.  He shows off his flexibility to his main opponents by doing the splits from his corner of the ring and can’t wait to start tearing his clothes off to fight Jason.  His story, untold in the film, may be the most tragic of all.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

The women in this story are mostly just emotional pawns, with Jason’s mother only there to give the “Oh, you!” face and the character of Kelly there to waste the protagonist’s time being a skirt to chase.  The one time it seems Kelly might have something valuable to put into our story, she is grabbed by the hair and thrown away.  Of course, this is from the same director that took a film about two, tough-as-nails female cops and turned it into a movie chastising women for trying to be as good or better than their male counterparts.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Two-in one: Jason is fighting Van Damme and starting to lose terribly.  Van Damme performs the same move that he’d performed earlier, wrapping Jason up in the ropes and beating him mercilessly.  Suddenly RJ, from the crowd, shouts “No retreat!  No Surrender!” Jason flips around, his health bar restored to full, and fights his way free of the ropes to beat JCVD, and win the game… er, movie.  This, to the thundering awesomeness that is the song Hold On To Your Vision by Kevin Chalfant.  It’s beautiful.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

A martial arts movie should be helmed by a martial arts director.  Also, be true to yourself; gay or not, you can still hang out.  Bruce Lee might be dead, but that doesn’t mean we can’t milk the fucker for all he was worth.

[THE VAN DAMMAGE: 4 outta 5]

[X] An Entire Fight, Sans Shirt
[X] Close-Up Screaming
[  ] Dancing
[X] Jump-Kicks A Guy, Through Something
[X] Special Move Involving Either The Splits or A Spinning Round-House Kick

This is Van Damme’s first real film, and you can see he’d already created a prototype for which all his following characters would be based upon.  Since this character is Russian, however, you won’t see him dancing, let alone expressing any sort emotion that might be confused as “happy.”  He got that out of his system in Breakin‘. Even when he wins a fight, he seems sort of pissed off about it.

[THE CHECKLIST: 10 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[  ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[  ] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[  ] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[  ] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[No Retreat, No Surrender 2: Raging Thunder]
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice*

*Jason isn’t supposed to fight at the end.  He’s just a spectator who intervenes after Van Damme starts kicking everyone’s ass.

In Soviet Russia, The Splits Do YOU!

Those Who Can’t Kick Ass, Substitute.

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

The Substitute (1996): Breakdown by Rantbo. NOTE: I apologize in advance for the shitty pictures. I watched this on VHS, so I had to rely on the Internets to get images for a movie nobody cares about, nor remembers. This is the best I could do. Sorry.

Mercenary with a heart of gold, teaches inner-city kids the magic of learning. Then kills several of them.

[THE EXECUTION]

It was the 90s and movies about disgusting urban shithole schools were all the rage, and LIVE ENTERTAINMENT didn’t want to be left sucking hind-tit. Thus, THE SUBSTITUTE. Shitty music, asshole teenagers, drugs and gang violence rule the school and it’s up to one teacher and his bleeding heart to wash away all the graffiti and make a difference. Think STAND AND DELIVER meets KINDERGARTEN COP.

Look, I saw DANGEROUS MINDS, 187, LEAN ON ME, HIGHER LEARNING, THE PRINCIPAL and SISTER ACT 2–and I still don’t give a shit. Maybe I’m just an asshole, but I say fuck helping those who have no interest in helping themselves. But, THE SUBSTITUTE took this already-tired-in-’96 genre and amped it up by having a large (for the genre) body count. So, it’s not all bad.

Out of nowhere, the last 20-25 minutes turned into a gay 80s style action movie and was pretty damn entertaining. It features a grandiose shoot-out in the halls of a Miami high school, including machine-guns, grenades, a rocket launcher and a surprisingly high body count. Where else are you going to see all that, plus PLATOON’s Sgt. Barnes throw down fisticuffs with the black Ghostbuster? Maybe in my dreams, but my dreams aren’t on DVD–Yet.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Tom Berenger is Jonathan Shale is Mr. Smith

Well, he’s covered in scars–that has to count for something right? I mean, scars are always cool. But, the question is, are they enough to make Berenger worthy of the title of Bad-Ass. Not alone, no. Berenger does have the look of a man to be taken seriously, but throwing pop-cans and books at unruly kids does not a bad mother fucker make. Add to this the fact that he is a little paunchy and (until the end) only really beats up on J-Lo’s skinny-ass 3rd husband–I’m not convinced. The REAL badass of this film is Hollan–William Forsythe. This mother fucker knows how to bang. Unfortunately, he’s barely in the movie and dies rather un-heroically. God damnit.

[THE BODY COUNT: 32]

Berenger’s team of mercs whip them up some ass, despite being lead by Tom Berenger. 28 of the 33 kills belong to team B., while da bad guys only manage a paltry sum of 3. Of course, one of the three was Forsythe, and he easily counts as more than one man in my book. But, I have to be official and keep my opinions off the final total. ~Grumble~. Most of the deaths are simple shoot-squib-fall down, but even though they are lackluster, I was still so surprised that this movie started kicking ass, that I didn’t care. This film still beats the Bourne movies on the Bad-Ass-O-Meter any day, simply by the fact that they aren’t afraid to show people dying violently.  Now, if you happen to be counting at home, you’ll have noticed that there is still one kill unaccounted for. And it’s Luis Guzmán. He grabs one of the bad guys and uses a grenade to suicide bomb himself and the bastard that shot him, sending the two of them to overweight Latin Hell.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

I’m gonna have to go with Mr. Sherman, the drama teacher. Though not a bad guy, Sherman is a nimrod that got and stayed on my nerves up until his demise. After bitching out Berenger for telling the truth (that Principal Ernie Hudson was a dope-dealer), ‘cuz he was obviously just trying to keep the black man down, this wormy little goof stumbles upon the cold hard fact that whitie was right. And he gets gunned down while crawling on his belly for seeing the truth too late. Serves him right, Whoopi Goldberg-looking motherfucker.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

While Berenger does form a friendship with a young buff student and the movie is a tale about teaching children to respect authority, this flick is surprisingly un-scandalous. Which is a shame, when you think about how easily they could have turned the situation into something sexy. But, alas, Berenger never diddles anyone other than his asexual looking girlfriend.

However, there is Joe. Joey Six, to be specific. JS is one of Berenger’s merc buddies. This guy is constantly shirtless and wears his hair like a female body builder would. And he totally has a crush on Berenger, you guys! After the final shootout, Berenger steps out of the school’s front doors and finds Joey bleeding on the front steps and Six gets all excited:

JS: “I–I thought I lost you, man!”

And then the two walk off into the sunset, talking well into the credits about where they should move together next. With no mention of Berenger’s girlfriend. I love a happy ending.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Berenger’s husky-voiced GF is bashed in the knee Nancy Kerrigan style by an FBI (Fucking Big Indian). She of course cries like the weaker gender she is, but it’s made quite clear that she was the victim and undeserving of her beat-down. Waaah!

At one point the merc team meets at a strip club where the hookers–scuse me, “Dancers” are topless (you can’t spell Substitute without tit!) and being hosed down with squirt-gun uzis. Yeah, I don’t get it either.

Then of course there are the dozens of overweight teenage mothers parading around the school’s halls, reminding me why I’m pro-sex education, pro-abortion and pro-euthanasia and sterilization. We MUST stop dumb people from fucking other dumb people, people!

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

When asked by Berenger to explain how he does not fear getting robbed of his fancy watch, Principal Ernie Hudson reenacts his yearly demonstration of breaking a board in two with his fist:

“Power perceived–is power achieved.”

The runner-up line being:

“You don’t teach history anymore Smith. You ARE history!”

It was a photo finish.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

The final stage of D.A.R.E. is murder and William Forsythe is a B.A.M.F.  But we knew that already.

[THE CHECKLIST: 15 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse*
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel [The Substitute 2: School's Out]
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

*There’s a gym, close enough.

The Substitute

You fuck with me and you will suffer my wrath.

Rambo, First Blood: Episode II – Rambo’s Back In Nam

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985): Breakdown by Rantbo

Vietnam–Round Two. And Rambo gets to win this time. By attrition.

[THE EXECUTION]

Rambo’s Back

…and returning to the land of his birth. ‘Nam. Descending from the heavens (via parachute), he is reborn in the freshly spilt blood of the vile Vietcong.  They took from him his humanity, his self-worth and his will to live; but they could never take is his honor, his sense of duty or his desire to win.

RAMBO takes a giant leap off the believability scale. It doesn’t bury the needle like part III does, but compared to part one, holy shit. Rambo becomes the fabled one-man-killing-machine hinted at in FIRST BLOOD. It makes it hard to believe that with this guy fighting for our side the first time around, we got our asses handed to us so vehemently by the VC.

The political bullshit gets quite a bump to the right this time around as well. The whole concept of Rambo’s mission is to prove that the Vietcong are withholding the release of White American POW’s for neglected war reparations. Something that would have never been an issue had the liberal pussies in Washington just left the war up to the men fighting it. Luckily, Rambo is here to right the wrongs of a decade-old war. But even riddled with this heavy subject matter, the film is a fucking blast. And you know what? It’s one of my top 5 favorite action movies of all time. In a flick where you get to watch a shirtless Stallone murder 70+ commies, blow-up more buildings and vehicles than Michael Bay has in a decade AND knee Martin Kove in the balls–how could this not be?

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Sylvester Stallone is Re-Instated Green Beret John J. Rambo

“Rambo, John J. Born 7-6-47 in Bowie, Arizona. Of Indian-German descent–that’s a hell of a combination. Joined the army 8-6-64. Accepted special forces, specialization: light weapon, medic, helicopter and language qualified. 59 confirmed kills. Two Silver Stars, four Bronze, four Purple Hearts. Distinguished Service Cross and Medal of Honor.” and a dead Cong stuck to a tree.

“Let me just say that Rambo is the best combat vet I’ve ever seen. A pure fighting machine, with only a desire to win a war someone else lost. And if winning means he has to die, he’ll die. No fear, no regrets. And uh, one more thing–what you choose to call Hell, he calls home.”

If that’s not enough, there is a point in the third act where Rambo boards an enemy aircraft and rather than stick around and face what horrors Rambo could inflict upon him, the pilot jumps to his death. That’s right. Falling a couple hundred feet onto jagged rocks seemed like a preferable choice in the pilot’s mind, than waiting for Rambo to get his mitts on him. That’s the power of John J. Rambo.

[THE BODY COUNT: 82, + A CHICKEN]

Rambo single-handedly wipes out 72 evil brown jungle rats and blood red Russian commies. If you add to this the number of confirmed kills from his dossier, Rambo is sitting pretty with 131 dead by his hand. Plus 5 animals. And this is only the second movie. Rambo’s female sidekick, Co, also manages a handful of kills as does an army helicopter pilot and a single kill by an escaped POW, bringing another 9 kills to the good guys’ total. And the bad guys?: One–Just one. HaHa.

NOTE: Since you don’t actually see the dossier kills, I did not officially add them to his total.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

There are quite a few memorable ones, like the Cong that gets shot through the head with an arrow and stuck to a tree. That was a good one. Or the guy that Rambo drags into a rock crevice, who is too terrified to scream. But the one I like best is the death of the Penultimate Main Villain. Rambo dispatches of this nasty little fucker by shooting him in the chest with an explosive-tipped arrow and he explodes like a tomato in a microwave. BLAMMO! It’s a fitting end for the one Cong talented enough to score a point against team America.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

The film opens on an explosion and a bunch of sweaty men hitting things with hammers in a prison camp. They say that prison changes a man and Rambo is no exception. He is at least twice as sweaty and twice as shirtless now. All the work in the rock quarry seems to have pumped up his pecks as well. Tasty.

Rambo marches through the jungle for 90% of the film, half naked and attached in some way to a phallic death machine. His giant knife is essentially an extension of his dick and he uses it to fuck more men than the entire cast of QUEER EYE has in their lifetime. He is so macho, rarely will a minute pass that doesn’t feature him grunting and groaning in some fashion. Also, Rambo re-defined the term ‘flop-sweat’ with this entry. He simply shimmers. It helps that he is “naturally” hairless, so his pecks have a constant, ‘just been oiled’ sheen to them, making his physic all the more God-like and homosexually appealing.

Rambo is yet again a loner, so there isn’t much fraternizing with fellow beefcakes, but there is a scene in which he is tortured by being soaked in pig shit. When finally raised out of his “mud-bath”, he is revealed to be wearing nothing but a thong and leeches. And then the Penultimate Cong grabs his arm and feels up his bicep for no reason that I can tell outside of logging a physical memory entry for the old spank-bank.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

The only woman in the film is Rambo’s liaison, Co Bao (Julia Nickson). Well, that’s not entirely true, there is a Vietnamese hooker that fucks all the troops of an internment camp, with a smile. But I’ll take the high-road and not mention her.

Co is shown as a tough-as-nails resistance fighter, filling the shoes of her father before her. She’s an ace with a AK and beautiful to boot. So, where is the misogyny you ask? Well, literally 30 seconds after she shares an awkward closed-mouth kiss with Rambo, she is riddled with bullets and dies floating in her own blood. That’s what you get for thinking you can taint Rambo’s body with filthy femininity.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

I have to go with the sequence in which Rambo “becomes” the jungle and takes out an entire platoon of Comrades with nothing but a bow, some vines and his dic–knife. It’s a great throwback to the first movie, but better because this time he actually kills mother fuckers. A lot of them. And violently, I might add.

For best one-liner, I think it’s a tie. First, there’s a quotable nugget of awesomeness from a conversation Rambo has with Co.

Co: “What you want?”
Rambo: “To win. To survive.”
Co: “That’s your reason to survive? Still war here.”
Rambo: “To survive a war–you gotta become war.”

Next, after being sold out by his commanding officer, Marshall Murdock, Rambo has the following exchange when forced to contact his people.

Rambo: “Murdock…?”
Trautman: “He’s here.”
Murdock: “Rambo, this is Murdock, we’re glad you’re alive. Where the hell are you? Give us your position and we’ll come to pick you up.”
Rambo: “Murdock… [Lightning Strikes, Thunder Rumbles, Knuckles Crack] I’m coming to get you!”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Rambo is NOT expendable.

[THE STALLOWNAGE OF SLY: 5 outta 5]

[X] Frank Stallone/Frank Stallone-esque Inspirational Music
[X] Incapacitates or Kills Someone With His Body
[X] Shows Off Buffness
[X] Social Outcast [Underdog, Has Been, etc]
[X] Sweaty, Veiny Yelling

[THE CHECKLIST: 20 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[X] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[Sven-Ole Thorsen]
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[  ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[Rambo III]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Mission… Accomplished.

Two Chicks, Kung Fu

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Yes, Madam a.k.a. Police Assassins a.k.a. Huang jia shi jie (1985): Breakdown by Kain424

Two hot, ass-kicking, female cops in Hong Kong attempt to solve a high-profile forgery case and take down a ruthless criminal kingpin.  Also, a trio of goofy males attempt to ruin an otherwise decent buddy cop movie.

[THE EXECUTION]

Part comedy and part Action, this film never really takes off like it should.  Serving as an introduction to both Michelle Yeoh and Cynthia Rothrock (this being both of their first starring roles), directed by Corey Yuen, and even featuring Sammo Hung in a cameo, this flick should rock like no other.  Unfortunately, the movie’s sense of rhythm is lost by allowing the focus to shift from our two female leads to several characters meant to give comic relief.  It’s as if the film is constantly trying to assure the audience that though the film is indeed about a couple of hard-ass women, us males can delight in the comic relief characters throwing a wrench into the gears of equality so as not to feel too threatened.  It’s really too bad.

There is so much comic relief, in fact, that it totally undermines the dark and gritty storyline, defeats serious moments, and pokes holes in the tough image the girls seem to be going for.

And, like I said, Sammo Hung shows up.  He doesn’t fight anyone, and a small joke is made about him being forced on a strict diet, but he feels utterly out of place.

What really surprised me was all the lifts from other, more notables films’ scores, like from John Carpenter’s Halloween.  Completely out of place.  I shouldn’t be too hard on this one, considering that it’s one of Corey Yuen’s first movies as the director, and the fight scenes (especially the one at the end) are actually pretty good.  Yeoh and Rothrock get to showcase their remarkable skills here, but unless you’re a big fan, this one’s not really worth the look.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Michelle Yeoh is Inspector Ng.  Cynthia Rothrock is Inspector Carrie Morris.

Since the movie is essentially a buddy-cop film, we follow these two as the main characters.  Their bad-assness, as it were, is more implied than actually shown.  We do get to see them take on an entire room filled with thugs, but it never reaches peak levels of awesome.  And while they are indeed excellent martial artists, they pretty much remain by-the-book-cops for the duration of the film.  Both are given great introductions, and Rothrock is also shown to be handy with a bowstaff as well as seen to be the more hard boiled of the two.  They are pretty bad-ass as far as chicks go, which I guess is the point.

[THE BODY COUNT: 14]

Only a couple more than a baker’s dozen but half of the corpses stacked up by the end were created by Yeoh, so I guess that’s something.  Rothrock kills a couple, but the rest are shared between the comic relief characters and the villains.  There’s not much in the way of variety, however, with most dropping from plain old gunshot wounds.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Michelle Yeoh kicks a guy through a bunch of glass, from whence he falls into a shallow pool, shredded like lettuce and dead.  A floating, bloody corpse is all that remains of the goofy caricature of a villain that once was.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

The two or three times someone even attempts an act in an overtly hetero nature, they are either immediately rejected or instantly and painfully punished for their transgression. One sad individual makes the mistake of flashing a woman in a library, and has his display goods promptly crushed between the two covers of a hardback book.

The comic relief characters all seem to share some unspoken love for one another and bicker like they’re married, but the main focus is really on the two female protagonists.  These girls show no interest toward anyone, let alone members of the opposite sex.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

In a film about two female butt-kickers, Yes, Madam is shockingly sexist.  It is made reference several times to the ladies that no man will ever marry either of them.  This is a lame put-down, considering these girls can obviously take care of themselves, but I think the message is intended for the audience.  It is there to let the women watching know that fierce independence in women is neither warranted nor desired.  The two leads are often the victims of other cruel japes as well, but also take several kicks to the chest area.  Ouch.

And despite being so proficient in their fighting, the women are shown as being headstrong and underdeveloped as officers of the law.  In this cop film, the women rarely even break a rule, let alone the law, in order to get the job done, thus they are shown as inferior to their male counterparts.  In fact, it is neither Yeoh nor Rothrock that cracks the case.  Even more depressing, it is one of the goofy, comic relief characters that dispatches the final villain of the picture.

Yes, Madam allows the silly sidekick characters to completely steal the show here, as if they were somehow more interesting.  Glass ceiling indeed.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Right at the beginning of the film, in an apparent homage/rip-off of Dirty Harry, Michelle Yeoh interrupts a robbery.  A shotgun pointed at the last remaining robber, who starts to reach for his gun, Yeoh cocks her weapon and says, “I don’t know if I’ve any shells left.  You want to take a chance?”

In Dirty Harry, the criminal doesn’t feel too lucky, but Harry Callahan’s gun is empty anyway.  In Yes, Madam, apparently, the thug doesn’t find the the former beauty pageant winner quite as intimidating as a smirking, disheveled Clint Eastwood.  He takes his chance and is thus rewarded for his efforts when Michelle blasts his hand off.  Even Callahan would call that cool.

[THE USES OF YEOH: 3 outta 3]

[X] Kicks A Man’s Ass
[X] Plays A Cop Or Law Enforcement Agent
[X] Performs (an) Impressive Stunt(s)

[THE RULES OF ROTHROCK: 3 outta 3]

[X] Asian Background
[X] Performs A Scorpion Kick
[X] Uses A Bowstaff

[THE CHECKLIST: 18 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[  ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[  ] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[Yes, Madam 2]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

MIAMI RICE

DOA: DAMES OR manASS. You’re Invited To Eye-Candy-Island.

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

DOA: Dead or Alive (2006): Breakdown by Rantbo

ENTER THE DRAGON with more titties and BEST OF THE BEST’s Eric Roberts. SOLD!

[THE EXECUTION]

DOA is “THE best movie adaptation of a video game so far! -Matthew Turner, VIEW LONDON” I concur, Matthew. Big breasted women and a grab bag of goofy looking gay guys fight to see who can earn the right to fight a nonsensical stupid looking boss for some ill-explained reason. That is the “plot” of every single one of the games, so far as I can tell, and this movie is THE perfect transition of that material to another medium of entertainment. And entertain it does. I loved this flick.

If you ever played the Dead or Alive games, (if you’re male and American, I’ll assume you have) you know what the score is. It’s all about blocking and watching some CG titties bounce around. The character storylines make little to no fucking sense. The ending cinematics especially, are so wacky and are complete non sequiturs to the rail-thin back stories given at the beginning, that any attempt to figure out what the fuck is going on is an exercise in futility. For instance, Lei Fang’s ending on DOA4 involves her kicking a guy out the window of a train for accidentally grabbing her tits. OK, it’s funny, but WTF? Another one, Hitomi, dances around her apartment making a salad, then trips and spills it. So, she fought in a competition to the death to—make a fucking salad!? I don’t get it. And if this really is DEAD or ALIVE, why is it that all the characters from each previous entry are still breathing? Did EVERYONE get to pick ALIVE? It’s so fucking stupid you guys, wow. You can look them all up on youtube and I dare you to try understand the ‘Why?’ of it all.

The fact that Corey Yuen bothered at all to make a story out of such silly randomness is admirable, and the fact that he managed to make a funny, beautifully shot and well choreographed action movie out of the whole mess, is a testament to his talent. If you liked the games, you probably already watched this one. But if you didn’t, check it out, it’s pure dumb sexy fun. Just like the games.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

My goodness gracious, where to start!? OK, this is an ensemble flick to say the least, so I’ll try and keep this pretty short and sweet, with some tantalizingly photo’s to distract from the fact that I can’t think of much else to say other than ‘She’s hot’.

Devon Aoki is Kasumi the Shinobi Ninja Princess

Like 1930’s Superman, she’s able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. So, that’s pretty stupi—awesome. She also has the ability to keep getting acting gigs despite having no ability to emote whatsoever. And I find her attractive in that “I want to fuck you with my fist to see if you can make any expression other than complacent boredom” kind of way.

Jamie Pressly is Tina Armstrong the Superstar Pro-Wrestler

Since she’s a wrestler, and able to beat up a team of pirates lead by Liu Kang, my first guess would be ‘roids. But, since she isn’t covered with body hair, and her bewbs look real, I’m going to have to say she just spent a lot of time participating in tractor-pulls and fighting off would-be date rapists. Her southern accent further proves my theory.

Holly Valance is Christie Allen the Assassin & Master Thief

She pwns a room full of feds with nothing but a towel and a handful of cock-teases. But, as for being an “Assassin”, there’s no evidence to support it. So that’s pretty lame. But I forgive her as she makes my pecker stand up and whistle.

Natassia Malthe is Ayane the Ninja Shinobi Killer

Ayane fucking destroys a room full of furniture and performs some epic deforestation with her samurai sword. Since her acting abilities are slightly less atrocious than Devon Aoki’s, I think it’s only fair that she wants to be the center of attention by killing Kasumi dead. And I agree. I for one would rather have Ayane as the main character. And look at those peepers. Lawd have mercy!

Sarah Carter is Helena Douglas the Blonde Rollerblading Goddess

My favorite. She manages to eviscerate a small army of assassins with nothing but a pair of keds and her would-be killers’ discarded weapons. And she’s the only female ballsy enough to take on Eric Roberts one-on-one. She loses, of course, but manages to last about a minute, so I’ll give her an A for effort. Finally, she managed to inadvertently cause my dick skin to chafe. All-in-all, pretty impressive.

[THE BODY COUNT: 1 FOR SURE & 25 OTHERS—MAYBE?]

Since there is not a single drop of blood, it’s kinda hard to gauge this one. On one hand you have dozens of faceless drones getting beaten and knocked down by weapons, many of which are swords, but without a geyser of karo syrup, who’s to say they aren’t just injured or faking it? Counting the bodies that fell before the blade, the body count would be somewhere around 25ish. But that’s assuming all those that fell were indeed cut and succumbed to their wounds. The only for certain death is Eric Roberts, who goes down in a memorable blaze of glory. Like Jesus, only more badass and with slightly better hair.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

There is a reason I created the title of this section with the word SATISFYING as the adverb—for movies like this one. And as such, there is simply no way I could go for any-other fight than…

Christie vs. Helena

It’s an all out grudge match on a beach, during a rain storm. Did I mention that they are wearing bikinis? Well, they are. Barely. And this isn’t just your everyday internet vid of two skanks pulling one-another’s hair in a parking lot, this is a work of masturbatory art. Corey Yuen can frame a fucking scene, man. Every second is a snapshot and worthy of self gratification. If I had had this movie when I was 12, I think my dick might have fallen off. Oh, as for the winner—not sure, I quite paying attention after I came. But regardless, the true winner is the audience.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Matthew Marsden is Max the Pretty Boy Poser

He pretends to be interested in Christie, but he is quite clearly a gay and only using her to score money to pay for high-quality cocaine and male escorts. Look at that face and tell me I’m wrong.

Brain J. White is Zack the Chocolate Thunder

His hairstyle of choice is a green tuft of phallic-shaped hair on the tip of his forehead. If that doesn’t convince you of his gay, he also wears chick pants with flames on them. They try to show him off as a ladies-man, but the only woman he gravitates toward is Tina, the most butch of the bunch. And it’s never stated, but I think he might have picked her to get closer to her father. In fact, I’m sure of it.

Derek Boyer is Bayman the Bodyguard With Benefits

I believe Bay-Man to be Eric Robert’s boy-toy. He is always on-hand to do whatever is asked from his master and is built for little else than bar-fights and gorilla fucking, so I’m pretty sure my assumptions are correct.

Silvio Simac is Leon…

Yup.

Kevin Nash is Bass Armstrong the Alpha Grizzly

HaHaHa—Holy shit! OK, lets start with the name: Bass Armstrong. If ever there was a perfect porno name, wow. And talk about the poster boy for BEAR. I’m convinced Tina was adopted. There is no way this man’s penis has ever been inside a woman. Not with that hair and those muscles. He’d rip the poor girl in two. Nope, this guy is way to macho to fuck anything outside of other burly men and large stock-yard animals.

All the other guys in the movie are either a-sexual Asians or Eric Roberts. But there is some girl-on-girl action that can be considered for entertainment sake.

Exhibit A: I call this piece, BE GENTLE

Exhibit B: At one point Christie beds down with Tina for one reason or another (scissor action) and when Tina’s father walks in on them, he “misconstrues” (assesses correctly) the situation. Christie doesn’t like to bullshit though, and against Tina’s wishes, puts the lesbo cards on the table. Tasty.

As for the rest of the girl-girl action, all you have to do is wait and watch, ‘cuz every minute or two, some gorgeous hard-body will walk across the screen jiggling in a bikini. All-in-all, this film might just pass-off as soft-core lesbo porn.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Aside from guys beating up women, the film is an instructional video for female empowerment. Knee to the groin! Knee to the groin! Knee to the groin! But, then again—there is a bunch of guys beating on women… This one is a tough call. I do have an ace up my sleeve to decide the matter however. I work at a video store, and when this movie went on sale I talked with a lesbian couple that called it “One of the best Girl-Kicking-Ass movies of all time.” If it’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for me.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Absolutely have to go with Leon’s battle against Kasumi. Not the whole thing though, just the part where he introduces himself. The one-liners are weak as shit in this movie, and the best you get happens to be in this scene:

Leon: [Busting in Kasumi’s door] “Room service!

Pretty lame, I know. But what happens next totally makes up for it. After destroying some of her furniture and laughing off her best attempts to hurt him with her skinny little girl arms, he flexes his muscles and I swear to shit, you hear the sound of two shotguns being racked! Talk about a gun show. And look at those veins… Holy Fuck.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

It takes 5 Defense-Class Trained Women, 2 Male Karate Masters, 1 Computer Wiz and an Atomic Blast to take out Eric Roberts…

Don’t Fuck With Eric Roberts

[THE CHECKLIST: 17 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle*
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] woManly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[  ] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)**
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

*It’s a raft, and only slightly bobbing, but it still counts.

**Kind of, 4 of the characters are put into these chambers that sap their powers and allow Eric Roberts to download them into his sunglasses—Yeah, this movie is awesome.

WINNER!!!

The Outlaw Josey Wales killcount

The Outlaw Josey Wales (1976)

Starring Clint Eastwood

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Eastwood kills 55

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The Outlaw Josey Wales rights held by Warner Bros.