Conan: The Destroyer Of Franchises

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Conan The Destroyer (1984): Breakdown by Rantbo

Between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the sons of Arius, there was an age undreamed of, when shining kingdoms lay spread across the world and Arnold Schwarzenegger was still gay.  Hither came Conan, the Cimmerian, sword in hand. A big long and thick one.

[THE EXECUTION]

So, rather than becoming king (as the end of the first film suggested), Conan is still slumming around as a vagrant and thief, now with a “humorous” sidekick. Thankfully though, the movie doesn’t piss-away time with that nonsense and instead Conan is given a bunch of other, more exciting, nonsense to do.

Accepting a quest from Queen Evil Lyn (looked just like her), Conan is asked to take her Niece, the Princess Jehnna, on a quest to find a key. A key (which is actually a diamond(?)) that for some reason or another, only she can touch. I also remember something about a birthmark, but whatever. There is, however, a catch. Jehnna must remain a virgin. And who better to guard her hymen than Arnold ‘Conan’ Schwarzenegger, a man who fucks anything; animal, mineral or vegetable and Wilt ‘20,000 Bed Notches’ Chamberlin? But in an extremely odd twist, neither of these two fuck anyone… Not even each other. Needless to say, this movie was kind of disappointing.

On top of the fact that the only sex Arnold and Wilt have is with metaphorical steel penises, and that this movie was clearly written as an intended swords & sorcery orgy, that the film refuses to deliver, it is also; rated PG, loaded with unnecessary comic relief and directed by someone not named John Milius. However, once again (as I thought with the first) the set design, locations and cinematography are breathtaking. Not to mention, this film is still quite a lot of fun.

I think Arnold has more lines in the first ten minutes of this film, than in the entirety of the first. I’m still undecided as to whether or not that is a good thing. Most of his dialogue is unnecessary, as he is usually just explaining what it is we are already seeing on film. Which, I have to believe was due to a combination of Arnold’s rise in fame from the first CONAN and those pussies over at Universal Pictures trying to make him a family friendly icon. An obviously great idea, as nothing says family entertainment like a 6’2″ steroid fueled Austrian bodybuilder known for pumping iron till he cums and fucking like a rabbit in springtime. But, the dialogue isn’t all annoying, as he does keep saying “CROM!” when he gets excited or pissed. Which is pretty funny.

DESTROYER is PG, but it’s pre-PG-13 PG, meaning there are still blood spraying squib cuts and lopped off flying heads.  Which is great, but make no mistake, this film was violently pussified. So, I guess you could say, it’s fun for all ages. And while it’s not nearly as good as the original, CONAN THE DESTROYER is still leaps and bounds better than most sword and sorcery films of the eighties. It just got bogged down by the studio dicks trying to make it like the “other” ones. If you enjoyed part one, DESTROYER is well worth a watch, so long as you keep your expectations lower than the first.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Arnold Schwarzenegger is Conan

“You’re a barbarian. You live free in the world. You owe allegiance to no one. Is that not so?”
Conan: “It is, and it always will be.”

Princess Jehnna: “I suppose nothing hurts you.”
Conan: “Only pain.”

-Opens the film by killing half a dozen men on horseback.
-Punches out a horse. And the “same” camel from part one.
-Slaughters a group of cannibalistic tribesmen.
-Professionally Wrestles a giant lizard man in a cape, and impales the wizard’s stomach who was controlling it with his his sword.
-Together with Chamberlin, power lifts a 3-foot thick stone wall.
-Infiltrates a palace and kills some guards.
-Kills Wilt Chamberlin with a blade penetration. Fitting.
-Kills the God of Femininity with his bare hands and his giant coc—er, sword.

[THE BODY COUNT: 50ish]

Conan kills 23 leather clad bitches, four less than his last outing, but he does slay a couple demons as well. So there is that. The rest of his mystical wrecking crew, slaughters around 20 and before being sent back to Hades, the demon impales Evil Lyn with its “horn” and squishes a rando guy beneath its foam-rubber clodhoppers.

Again, this is not nearly as violent as it should have been, but it would still be a borderline R, by today’s pussified standings. So, under the circumstances, it’s an acceptable amount of carnage.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]

Conan vs. Lizard Wizard

Whilst trying to steal the mystical diamond “key” from a sorcerer’s palace, Conan incurs the wrath of the homeowner, who attacks him with a magically controlled seven foot tall wrestler with a reptile-like demon head and Little Red Riding’s Hood.

The two well oiled beefcakes proceed to wrestle one another, 80s style, complete with some signature moves, that I’m sure Vince McMahon contemplated suing over. And Conan eventually defeats the beast by breaking a bunch of shit and chucking his sword through the wizard’s torso. Death by phallic penetration is always cool.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Much like I felt in the first film, I am conflicted as to whether or not Conan is willing to fuck everything, or if he is just bisexual. Like the below picture shows, this film is incredibly contradictory and often on the sexual fence.

Angry… Or About To Cry With Joy?

Examples:

1. Conan’s greatest desire is to get his girlfriend back, yet he still tromps around in a leather cod-piece, swinging a giant phallic blade of death.

2. His pre-hair metal hair looks glorious, and is kept in place with a leather headband, perfectly quaffed, even while in battle with other leather-daddies over the task of keeping virginal pussy, virginal. Yet he makes no moves on Wilt Chamberlin, an obvious match made in barbarian heaven. It’s fucking confusing.

However, there is a moment in which Conan meets back up with Akiro (Mako, the wizard from the first film) and simply says, “I need you.” To which Akiro replies, “I’m yours.” That’s pretty straight(gay)forward.

Then there is this Christopher Lee look-alike Protector of The Horn (a bedazzled dildo), who in order to open a door, clangs his wrist guards together and waves his hands like he’s in a Madonna video.

Strike A Pose!

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Conan: “Not MY Queen!”

You can always trust this genre to put silly little women in their place and CONAN 2 is no exception. Let’s start with the Princess. When first we see her, she has just woken up in bed next to Wilt Chamberlain screaming, “ I saw it! I saw it again!”. What it is she saw, is never explained, but Wilt and the Queen insist that whatever “it” was (massive black dong) was just a bad dream. Yes, only in a nightmare would her virgin womb be expected to sheath such a monster. Best to keep her pretty little head in the dark on this one.

Next, is Grace Jones, playing herself. I’m guessing they caught her ravaging through the studio backlot and decided to wrangle her into the film. When life gives you lemons…

Grace is the epitome of a Female Fighter: laughable, unbelievable and butch. Then, about halfway through the film, her façade comes tumbling down. And what could possibly out such a fierce and intimidating warrior as a weak-willed coward of the female gender? A regular old, garden-variety rodent. That’s right, a fuzzy little rat causes the Big Bad Bush-Woman to scream out and jump up on a ledge. There, there, Wonder Woman, do you want the big strong men to carry you past the fearsome vile creature?

But the clearest piece of evidence that this film, and the genre it belongs to, was made for the sole purpose of turning young men gay with visions of oiled pecks and subjugated women, is the Demon God Dagoth. Or, Dagoth the Giant Pussy Creature, as I like to call it.

Look at that thing’s face and try not picturing a war-torn labia. You can’t. Not only does this thing make vagina look like a hideous tooth-filled killer beast, it can only survive by killing other, as yet untainted pussy. And it hates men. This thing is Republican propaganda, personified. Ladies, this is what happens if you have sex out of wedlock. So, you have two options: either get married to the first man you interact with, or stay a virgin forever. Either way, in Conan’s world, you risk chance of a pussy monster consuming you.

But, the best/most disgusting part is, Conan and crew take this beast down by making it bleed about the face like the fourth week of Lilith Fair. I know, it’s fucking gross. And then Conan finally kills it by tearing off it’s horn (clitoris) and stabbing it with his steel penis. Take that, you vile, evil, mythic vagina creature!

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

At the point of my chosen moment, Conan has gone roughly half-a-day without killing something and you can tell he’s getting edgy. Which means a bad time for anyone wanting to negotiate with him.

The protectors of the Jeweled Dildo attempt to do this and after a minute, Conan gets bored and chucks a knife into one of them.

“Enough talk!”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Diamond > Wizard, Blade > Man, Penis > Vagina.

[THE SIGNS OF SCHWARZENEGGER: 4 outta 5]

[X] Performs A Ridiculous Feat(s) of Strength
[  ] Says, “I’ll be back.”
[X] Shows Off Buffness
[X] Unnecessarily Violent Opponent Dispatch
[X] Wields A Big Sword With One Arm

[THE CHECKLIST: 17 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse*
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

*Better, there is a palace.

Conan The Destroyer (1984) © De LAurentiis and Universal Pictures

Tombstone killcount

Tombstone (1993)

Starring Kurt Russell

Watch video:

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Russell kills 16

Discuss

Tombstone rights held by Cinergi.

Streets Of Boredom

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Streets Of Blood (2009): Breakdown by Kain424

Cops that blur the line between crooked and hard-boiled attempt to clean the streets of New Orleans.  50 Cent continues to attempt to act.

[THE EXECUTION]

Cliche.  And not in the fun way. The films starts out with a cop being asked by a police counselor if killing bothers him and I already wanted to turn it off.  In fact, before Michael Biehn showed up, I almost did.  The damn therapy sessions keep coming, and boy do they get old.  It doesn’t help that the whole thing is filmed in hand-held, so no shot is left standing still… even when they need it.

Once they get to the Action scenes (which fortunately occur frequently enough to keep one interested), the wobbly camera work is only compounded  by the lack of lighting in every shot.  So, while you’re struggling through quick-cuts and shakiness, you also have to squint in the darkness and make guesses as to what’s happening.  It’s not the worst I’ve ever seen, but it is not as entertaining as it seems to think it is either.

The direction just seems sloppy.  It’s like the guy can’t choose between trying to be a pretentious police film about inner city corrupt cops, or a cool buddy action flick and so it fails on both accounts.  There’s a scene where a drug kingpin takes the heads of all of his competition, and you’re left going, “was that it?”  That seemed easy.

If you squint, you can see Michael Biehn!

There’s some cool dialog, but unfortunately they gave it to 50 Cent, who simply isn’t bringing it in this one.  Hell, most of the time, he doesn’t even bother opening his mouth when he talks.  And speaking of the dialog, I don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about sometimes.  Check this bit out:

Val Kilmer (to another cop): “So, uh, it really is true, those rumors.  Y’all really do… eat your dead?”

50 Cent: “Eat their dead?  While I hold my socks up with thumb tacks.  And wipe my ass with razor wire.”

What the fuck does that even mean?

The film has a sense of humor, I can tell from the writing.  But since the director bungled it so badly, the movies loses it in the entertainment area.  There is also some sort of political content with the FBI only exacerbating the problems in the area, but again, the poor direction just makes you lose interest.

All of this, of course, is a shame.  Underneath all of the problems, and even allowing for some DTV slack, I think there is a good movie waiting to come out.  There are some good visuals, and the attempt to blend 70s cop films with today’s strive for gritty realism is a noble cause.  It’s too bad a lame director shot this film down from what could possibly be a great Action effort to a mediocre back-of-the-shelf cookie-cutter cop flick.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Val Kilmer is Andy Devereaux

Devereaux is sort of a modern day Bud White (from L.A. Confidential) character, not afraid to beat a suspect for information but more than willing to let young females go free from the scenes of crime without giving statements.  Unlike his 50s counterpart, however, Devereaux doesn’t seem to have any real fighting ability, getting knocked over by detained suspects and generally looking haggard and doughy.  He has a code of honor, which includes never being on the take and always keeping your partner in the know.  He has a very clear view of who the bad guys are, even if no one else shares that view.

Curtis 50 Cent Jackson is Stan Green

Jackson plays Green in a surprisingly subdued performance that I think is meant to seem conflicted.  Green has a wife and a bunch of kids, so he steals money from a crime scene at least once.  By his ethics, though, providing for his family means buying a big screen television.

[THE BODY COUNT: 39]

This film continues a very tasty trend in DTV films by having a decent bodycount, and even using squibs to indicate bullet-to-body connections.  There are many shootouts, not especially well-done, but I have to give credit where credit is due.  We get people shot in the torso mostly, but also leg and arm shots, and even a guy who gets his nuts shot off.

There are some drug-related deaths, but this is mostly just a shoot ‘em up type flick.  Most of the damage is done by the (questionably) good guys, but I’d say the baddies give about as good as they get.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

That dude who gets his nuts shot off.  For eagle-eyed viewers, there’s a nice little joke thrown in:

ouch

Right click view image to enlarge

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

There is a lot of talk here about “partners” and how a partnership “is a marriage” and whatnot, but nothing overtly gay.  50 Cent goes home to ignore his family, and only really opens up to Sharon Stone, but aside for that there’s not much.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

If the woman’s not played by Sharon Stone (who I think is trying to butch it up for this role) they are probably a slutty crack-fiend.  I don’t think there’s a well-adjusted female in this movie.  And there’s constant reference to the fact that these crackwhores’ mouths are dangerous to get close to.  It’s all very dirty.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Michael Biehn showing up and saving my attention.  That was the epic moment… at least, I can’t really think of another.

50 Cent gets the best line of the movie, when Sharon Stone asks him what he thinks of his partner:

“Guys like Andy and me?  We’re all that stands between people like you and the end of the motherfuckin’ world!”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

DTV is the last bastion for Action with a bodycount.

[THE CHECKLIST: 11 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[  ] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[  ] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[  ] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

What Happened To My Career?  Seriously!?

The 5th Commandment: Thou Shalt Kick Ass!

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

The 5th Commandment a.k.a. The Fifth Commandment (2008): Breakdown by Rantbo

Hitman with a heart of gold realizes that while he is a natural born killer, he can still learn to love a horrible dayplayer.

[THE EXECUTION]

While working in Asia, Jazzman (one of the best hitman in the assassination business), shows mercy to an orphaned child and against his better judgment, decides to raise him as his disciple, (a la LEON). Now grown, Chance (Rick Yune) has become the world’s go-to professional killer, but much like his adoptive father, is unable to bring himself to harm women or children and as such has to pass on a high profile assassination of a pop singer. So, another team is hired to fulfill the contract and Chance along with it (a la THE REPLACEMENT KILLERS). Made all the more difficult for them, as Chance has vowed to protect the insufferable starlet, (a la THE BODYGUARD). And the game is on.

Now, if that combination of classic story elements didn’t sell you on watching this, how about the fact that Chance’s mentor, Jazzman, is played by Keith “THEY LIVE” David?

Yes, Keith Fucking David. Just when you think he couldn’t be more of a BAMF, they go and make him a Vietnam vet turned hitman and part time musician. Sure, David could be a telemarketer and still out badass most of the new Action kids on the block, but this role was truly inspired. He kills with double-guns, dresses like a 70s pimp and trains the film’s star to be a cold blooded hitman from childhood. I—Love—Keith—David.

As for the rest of the film, it was a pleasant surprise. I hadn’t heard of it, until just a couple months before the time of this writing, but I’m glad I made a mental note to watch it. The story is a simple re-hashed archetype, mix-matching of a bunch of well known action films from the past couple decades. Kind of like a low-budget, even more B-Movieish, Tarantino film. But instead of 70s action cinema, COMMANDMENT’s filmmakers were clearly inspired by the 90s. Which I guess is long enough ago now that it’s within homage territory… Fuck, I’m getting old.

The film and it’s main character are unintentionally cheese-ball corny at times, the rap laden soundtrack is atrocious and a lot of the gunshot sound effects seem off. Especially the grenades, at one point they sound like a silenced mac 10 and the next like a double-barrel shotgun. It’s odd and distracting, but it’s a small gripe. All of them are. THE 5TH COMMANDMENT is an early nineties-style shoot ‘em up, and while it doesn’t live up to a Woo picture of said era, it’s still completely worth watching. And I sincerely hope that Yune continues to write and star in similar flicks, as he could end up being something quite special. Oh, and Jesse V. Johnson (THE BUTCHER), has just become my new favorite DTV director. The man simply understands good action.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Rick Yune is Chance Templeton

His name is Chance—because Keith David took one. And he’s the best MC (hired killer) in the business. Which means that he has broken the 5th commandment. A lot. And thankfully, we get to watch him do it a whole lot more. The best way I can think to describe him, Templeton is kinda like Snake Plisskin, as played by Brandon Lee. If that makes sense? This was the first time I’ve seen Rick Yune as a Heroic character, outside of trying to kill Halle Berry in DIE ANOTHER DAY, and I have to say I’m all for it, 100%. Like I mentioned above, his character’s actions are a little over-the-top, but he makes up for it in spades with a classic stoic tough-guy performance.

-Dresses in black.
-Kills copious amounts of men, without mercy.
-Kicks the shit out of a bunch more, again—without mercy.
-Does not (will not) fuck the pop singer, Angel, even though she is mildly attractive.
-Gets tortured, but doesn’t cave.
-Fights every authority figure he meets. And wins.
-Was raised by Keith David.

[THE BODY COUNT: 55ish]

Chance himself mixes at least 20 groovy tracks. Papa Keith comes in with an esthetically pleasing 5 and the rest belong to the baddies. Of which, I counted 30. And anytime a movie cracks 50 kills without  a mass death sequence like a building or plane exploding, you know you’re in for a good time.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Angel’s scumbag agent for the win. Asshole gets popped like a birthday balloon and left to rot on the soiled floor of his posh apartment. Ha.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Rick Yune is one sexy hunk of Asian man-meat. The film’s training montage features him working out, naked (at least from the abdomen up), and sweating like a priest on a playground. His chiseled abs and hairless chest glimmer like a slip and slide on a hot summer day.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Naming the lead female Angel, is like naming a 6′5″ fat guy, Tiny. Shortly after complaining her way through her entire first rescue scene, she continues afterward by being a diva (read as: Cunt) that whines about her toenails and expensive shoes. They redeem her a little bit by giving her a knowledge of handguns, but it doesn’t change the fact that she’s just a skinny Jennifer Lopez, and contributes nothing but headaches.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

EP-M:

Straight out of the original TERMINATOR movie, the hardcore villainous replacement killer, Damage (that’s the mother fucker’s name) storms a police station killing seven or so guards in rapid succession. And that’s just to get to their armory. Then, fully loaded with a machine gun/grenade launcher, he continues T-800ing the precinct, shooting the shit out of a ass-load of Bangkok’s finest.

MEANWHILE… Chance uses the opportunity, Kyle Reese-style to break out of his torture session, physically destroy a handful of officers and a half-dozen armed killers, get the girl and narrowly avoid his seemingly unstoppable pursuer with a well chucked grenade. And in the final moments of the sequence, Chance even finds his escape car’s keys in the visor. All-in-all, it’s a pretty excellent homage.

THE LINE:

Keith David catches a twelve (or so) year old Chance rooting through is things and admiring his custom guns…

The Jazzman: Nigga, what chu got to say? (calls his own kid, ‘Nigga’)
Chance: …Cool…

and the second one…

Eye-Patch Gangster: God damn you!

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

“In life, it’s all about the flow…”

[THE CHECKLIST: 16 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor” [Rick Yune]
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[  ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[X] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery [Large Machine Guns, Grenades]
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting [Garrett Warren]
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[  ] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

The Fifth Commandment (2008) © Sony Pictures Home Entertainment

Fast & Fourious

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Fast & Furious (2009): Breakdown by Rantbo

New Movie. Original, Unoriginal Characters.

[THE EXECUTION]

I hadn’t gone to a FF movie since the first one raped me of my $7.50, back in ‘01. But, that changed this year after watching the trailer for the hunk-of-junk 4th installment, curiously titled, FAST & FURIOUS. Not to be confused with THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS 4, because that shit would be too tired and “played out”.

Teenage Douche-Bag: “What!? There’s four of them!? Fuck that! Let‘s go see the new Will Ferrell movie.”

So to be truly original, they decided to use the first film’s title, but dumbed down a bit for the returning fans. Leading me to believe that if they continue making sequels, we can expect F/F, and eventually an unpronounceable F shaped symbol.

Like the tagline suggests, they brought back 4 of the original cast members; Brian, Dom, Jordana Brewster and the sassy Latina from LOST: SEASON 2. And we pick up their story years later, as they are brought back together to work for the man (like in part 2) to uncover a drug smuggling ring and fall back in love with each other (like in part 1) in the process. All while pretending that Brian didn’t go fully gay and start a life in Miami with Tyrese in-between. Much to my dismay.

As for the other two surviving members of Team Toretto, Leon (remember him? No you don’t) and Vince The Alpha Douche?—it is never discussed. But I like to think that after The Douche got released from jail, he met back up with Leon and they both got jobs at Fat Burger, eventually becoming night managers with a brilliant revenue campaign to raise the price of a double-cheese and fries to $3.95—faggots. Anyways, I’m a sucker for returning casts, even when I don’t care for the movies they appear in. I’m weird like that. And speaking of the cast and weird shit, how crazy is it that all of the main actors from the first film were able to return for the third sequel, due to all of their careers having gone tits up? This has to be a first.

One thing that really pissed me off, however, is that they changed some of O’Conner’s story. In part 2, it was unveiled that he let Toretto go (at the end of part 1) for the guilt he felt over not being there for his boyfriend (Tyrese), in his time of need. But now in part 4, he says he did it because Toretto has a code that he respects. Huh? Code? What the fuck—code!?… Steal shit, sell it on the black market, invest the money made in ridiculously stupid and unnecessary modes of transportation, drink Coronas, repeat? What kind of douche-bag bullshit code is that? Or could it be that Dom lives his life a “quarter mile at a time”? They never delve into it. Either way, what a dumbass reason to emulate and respect someone for.

The other big gripe I have to make, is that Justin Lin reverted the racing scenes back to mostly green-screen. Thus cashing in his bonus-points for making part three as practical as an insanely stupid premise can be. The chases are still 100% more exciting than part 1, but I still missed seeing the actual cars being used in actual stunts.

That said, and despite it’s many other retarded flaws (unbelievable story, confusing time-lines, lame jokes, bad music, etc), this is still a pretty good Action film. Shit, the first 7 ½ minutes are easily better than everything done before it in any of the previous films.

Anyways, before I go on too long, I’ll just say that this flick is on par with the last one, as far as enjoy-ability.  The best way I can think to describe it is by saying, it’s like a Michael Bay film, but without Michael Bay. Which is to say, it is ludicrous, stupid and full of douche-baggery; yet it is of reasonable length, the action is pretty well shot and there are no dick/fart jokes, racism or overbearing ad-campaigns. So, I didn’t regret spending my money, and for this franchise, that’s the best I could have hoped for. I’d recommend watching it if you like B-Action car flicks or renting crappy movies with a group of friends to mock and destroy like a rental car.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Paul Walker is Brian O’Conner: The Bad Guy Trying To Be The Good Guy

-Chases down a Mexican criminal on foot and jumps through a window, tacking the gun-wielding fucker off the 3rd floor of a building onto a parked car.
-Pwns a co-worker who has the audacity to touch his shoulder, by slamming his face into a wall and kneeing him in the stomach.
-Shoots some homies with one of their own machine guns.
-Bangs Brewster in the kitchen while her brother is in an adjacent room.
-Survives a bonecrunchingly insane crash that would have killed Evel Knievel at his peak. With only a couple scratches, I might add. And his award for durability? A boot-kick to the face, naturally.
-And, of course, he pulls off a ton of crazy, unbelievable driving stunts.

Vin Diesel is Dominic ‘Dom’ Toretto: The Greasy Revenge Gorilla

-Drives his car underneath a flaming 75 mile an hour gas-filled freighter.
-Solves a murder by looking at some skid marks and fluid residue, COLD CASE style.
-Holds up an engine block with one arm.
-Blows up his car, and subsequently about five others, by using the old leaky NOS container and push-in car cigarette lighter bit.
-Gets shot in the back, and rather than fall down and start to cry, he just turns around stoically and gets pissed.
-[Read The Most Satisfying Death and Epic Moment Sections]
-And, of course, he pulls off a ton of crazy, unbelievable driving stunts.

[THE BODY COUNT: 15, GIVE OR TAKE A FEW]

As one would expect, most are assumed dead in horrific car accidents. But unexpectedly, Brian uses a machine gun to mow down some fuckers in some very rapid PG-13 quick cuts. That was a “nice” surprise. As for novelties, is has a couple. One is Michelle Rodriguez, whom I’m always happy to see go and the other you can read about in the next section.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Dom finally catches up with his estranged girlfriend’s killer—and drives a car right up his dickhole.

Then he calls the corpse a “Pussy.” Awesome in it’s simplicity, it would be counter intuitive to discuss it further.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Brian’s homoerotic past with his buddy Rome is never mentioned and leaving me to assume he prayed out the gay. Which is forgivable, only because the woman that got him to repent was Jordana Brewster. I could almost see that happening. And as for Vinny-D, he spends the whole film out for revenge over the death of Michelle Rodriguez, who most would consider a woman, so I can’t fault him on that. He does, however, turn down the invitation to go out with (gorilla-fuck) a lithe young thing named Gisele, played by Israeli model, Gal Gadot. Which, aside from her name, is a sexy piece of 105lb. beef tenderloin, that no completely straight man would be able to resist.

But worry not, there is more. About 30 minutes into the film, there is THE cinematic equivalent to what a motor-head dreams about before accidentally creaming his bed sheets. Thick muscley arms gently sanding ruff door panels smooth, then glazing them with love colored paints. A flurry of wrenches, ratchets, hoses and slow loaded engine blocks. Motor oil pouring from a softly squeezed bottle into a gaping funnel hole. Freshly calibrated odometers. More flowing motor oil. NOS canisters crammed into tight fitting brackets. Vin Diesel fucking a gas tank hole [Scene Cut For Time], then drinking a post coitus brewskie (see below picture). Electric lug wrenches screwing in chrome-plated nuts. Some hood slamming. And, of course, the wipe down. Mmm, cars are fucking gay.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Well, Michelle Rodriquez’s character crashes her car, so naturally she must be put down like a lame horse.

Then ~deep sigh~ once again there are copious amounts of barely clothed skanky race-groupies that I would struggle to find sexy even if I was 12 years-old again, with the house to myself. What is the appeal of stupid slutty vapid shallow tail-gating hoochy-bitches? Seriously, I don’t get it.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Vin Diesel is The Wheelman

Barreling full speed, petal-to-the-metal, toward an explosive-strapped tunnel wall, Dom uses the cavern’s support beams to tear off his pursuer’s passenger-side door, and just before impact, dives into the other guy’s car and throws him out the other side to be turned into road kill by one of his buddies. Not that it matters, as Dom’s Charger causes the whole armada to be engulfed in a fiery explosion when it crashes into the wall.

One-liner: Shortly after completing a drug-run from Mexico to the States,  Dom decides to stop his driver-for-hire rouse and in a round about way, unveils why he’s truly there: revenge. He does this by bringing up the Penultimate Villain’s choice in vehicle modifications, which apparently is, for some reason or another, considered a very rude thing to do in public and only ever done as a preemptive to accusing the target of murder.

Dom: “Hey, Bossman…”
Fenix: [Looking shocked, for some reason] “What did you say!?”
Dom: “I said only pussies run nitrometh.”

To which Fenix responds…

HAHAHA! He says it with the inflection of a deeply hurt little girl that is flabbergasted you just admitted to breaching her privacy. It’s hysterical. I seriously don’t think it could have been funnier had he actually said, “You read—my DIARY!?”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

I would still eat Jordana Brewster’s ass with a baked potato. ~Ohm Nom Nom~

[THE CHECKLIST: 14 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[  ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Even The Douche-Bags In The Theater lol’d.

The Protector of… I dunno.

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

The Protector (1985): Breakdown by Kain424

A Chinese New York cop (yeah, I know) goes to Hong Kong (go figure) to rescue a millionairess and take down a drug cartel.

[THE EXECUTION]

After The Big Brawl turned out to be less than the massive success they’d hoped it to be, Jackie Chan went back to Hong Kong and worked hard at maintaining his star image there.  Five years later, they tried the American market again, and this is the result.  Like the western version of Tom Yum Goong, I have no clue as to why it’s called The Protector.

Things start wrong right off the bat, as Chan is introduced awkwardly trying to share a conversation in English with his partner.  Chan is supposed to be a New York cop, but can hardly speak the language.  Furthermore, the next few Action sequences involve more gunplay than anything resembling Jackie’s signature kung fu.  And I have never seen someone fire a gun in a more awkward fashion.

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Apparently Jackie Chan and and director James Glickenhause (The Exterminator) did not get along at all during the shoot, with Glickenhaus wanting Chan to be more of a hard-boiled Dirty Harry-type character, and Chan wanting to do more of his signature stuntwork and be more of a Chan-like character.  A different stunt coordinator was hired and Chan was held at bay until shooting was completed.  Jackie then re-shot a few fight scenes and you can find this version only in Hong Kong.

There are two versions: the American version with cussing, nudity, Engrish, and short fight scenes, and the Hong Kong version, with an added love story twist, more fluid fight scenes, but with no nudity, cussing and the languages all dubbed.

It’s pretty much lose/lose.  But the film does try a lot of cool things, and attempting to make an Asian action star is OK in my book.  I think if Jackie had kept at it after The Big Brawl, he just might have gained an audience.  Unfortunately, he wouldn’t see himself a star Stateside for another ten years.  Oh well.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Jackie Chan is Detective Billy Wong

Despite being more John McClane than Harry Callahan, Billy Wong never really comes off as a bad-ass.  He can hold his own in a fight, but he rarely seems to be able to bag his bad guys.  He does, however, seem to prefer blowing them up to arresting them.

[THE BODY COUNT: 16]

This is actually one of the more violent Jackie Chan films I have ever watched.  When people are shot, they bleed a fucking ton!  A whole lot of people are shot in this one, too.  Jackie only kills seven, but several others die from gunshots, stab wounds, or being eviscerated in fiery explosions.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKINGS & DEATHS]

I’ll have to go with the fight between Jackie Chan and Bill Wallace.  They use their hands, feet, brass knuckles, and even a power saw!  Oh, but it’s probably better in the Hong Kong version.  See it if you can! Actually, here.  I’ve edited the two versions together for your viewing pleasure.  Enjoy:

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The Protector rights held by Warner Bros. and Golden Harvest.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

When Jackie’s partner dies early on, Jackie flips out like he’d just lost his lover.  During this scene it is also revealed that Jackie pees while holing his gun as well… not sure how to read into that, but I’ll keep it in this section.

While Chan openly flirts with women in this film, he’s never that into it.  He does, however, get very into splashing his new partner, played by Danny Aiello (The Professional), when they go to a bath house together.  Aiello he goes further than you’d think, yanking a towel off an unsuspecting male passerby.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

In the American version, women are seen as either untrustworthy bitches or damsels in distress.  In the Hong Kong version, Jackie added a whole new character for him to rescue and treat like dirt.  It’s pretty funny.

Oh, and did I mention that there’s a lot of nudity?

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Jackie Says “Fuck”!

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The one-liner?  The bad guy asks Jackie, who has a gun on him, “Are you threatening me, officer?”

Jackie smiles and responds, “That’s not a threat.  That’s a promise.”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

If you’re gonna set the movie in Hong Kong anyway, let Jackie do his own fight choreography.

[THE GIST OF JACKIE: 5 outta 5]

[X] Breaks Into Someplace Or Escapes By Way Of Acrobatics
[X] Has An Annoying Tag-Along Companion
[X] Makes The ‘OW!’ Face And/Or Rubs A Soar Spot
[X] Performs A Ridiculously Dangerous Stunt
[X] Uses A Random Object To Defend Himself

[THE CHECKLIST: 19 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[  ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

See You In Ten Years, American Audiences!

Police Story III: Heroin and Train Tracks

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Police Story III: Super Cop a.k.a. Ging chat goo si 3: Chiu kup ging chat (1992): Breakdown by Rantbo

Jackie Chan is now a SUPER cop, yet needs help from Michelle Yeoh to fight SUPER crime.

[THE EXECUTION]

The Royal Hong Kong police are having trouble with drug trafficking. Most of the shit coming through is from a drug lord named Chaibat. And thus, if he is arrested, “the drugs on the market would be reduced by half.”

And there’s your god damn plot right there. Well, pretty close. Due to the level of intricate danger (and a need to spice up the formula), Chan is teamed up with INTERPOL agent, Yang Jian-hua. Played by the stunning Michelle Yeoh.

Putting together Chan and Yeoh is a no-brainer, and placing them together in a buddy-cop version of POLICE STORY is genius.  Their combined talents make for one hellova fun time. The duo infiltrate the drug cartel, by impressing them (and the audience) with their clever maneuvers, daring initiative and exquisite martial arts, before turning all of these skills against the poor bastards and shutting them down for good.

Keeping with the tradition of the series, SUPER COP is packed with Action and clever bits of comedy, while managing to keep its overall serious tone. All without beating me over the head with the drama, like I felt part two did. And it’s this blend of Action, Comedy and Drama that easily makes this my favorite entry of the series, more so, I’ll even say it sits in my top 5 Jackie films of all time. I highly recommend it.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Jackie Chan is Super Cop Chan Ka Kui

“Chan ka-kui parenthesis super cop” – “You’re too macho.”
-Fights off 5 or so prison labor camp guards and runs up an almost 50° angled hill in a prison break.
-Machine guns 2 soldiers of fortune.
-Wields a gun the size of himself, and actually kills 2 guys with it.
-Dive jumps out of building a second before it explodes.
-Beats up more police officers.
-Jumps off a building onto a helicopter’s rope-ladder. And hangs on as they fly him over the city into stuff.
-Fights drug lord commandos on the top of a speeding locomotive. For Real.

Michelle Yeoh is INTERPOL Superintendent Yang Jian-hua

-Beats up a bunch of unaware cops in order to remain an undercover criminal.
-Slaps Jackie ‘He-Man Woman-Hater” Chan.
-Scorpion kicks a dude in the face.
-Cunt punts a bitch.
-Gets shot twice in the chest. Has on a bullet-proof vest, but still, that’s gotta bruise the dirty-pillows.
-Vaults onto a speeding bus and clings to the outside of it during a high-speed chase. Eventually rolls off the back of it, falling onto another car, which slams on it’s breaks, sending her flying onto the asphalt.
-Commandeers (steals) a motorcycle, uses it to jump onto a speeding locomotive and helps Chan defeat the commandos.

[THE BODY COUNT: 50ish]

People are shot, run over, exploded, run over then exploded, overdose, drown, thrown off buildings and smashed into toothpaste with flaming helicopter wreckage. Jackie caps 4 fools by himself, which is pretty impressive (for him), and also throws a guy off a building. Cool.

Yang also pops some poor bastard, but the rest of the deaths are all Bad-Guy on Bad-Guy. And it’s a shitload, at least for this series. There is even this one sequence straight out of a MISSING IN ACTION movie, where a fucking fire-fight breaks out at a military camp. Rockets, grenades and machine guns, oh my! All-in-all, it’s a pretty damn good time.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Chaibat finds out one of his associates fucked him over, so he smashes his face into a drinking glass and crushes his skull with an exotic fruit. Bonus points for originality.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Jackie remains fully clothed the whole time, but Uncle Bill’s got our back (ass). Dressing in drag to pose as Chan’s mother.

Then there was this guy… ~Shudder~

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Chan just can’t stop smackin’ the ladies…

On top of that, Yang gets punched, kicked and strangled by various men throughout the picture. Which is the least of the misogyny, as the lovely Miss Maggie Cheung returns, once again, as Chan’s better and berated half. For starters, Chan is forced to lie to her about his latest mission. She thinks he is away for a month at a police school, which makes for some comedy gold when he accidentally bumps into her with Yang at a hotel poolside. Wondering what he is doing vacationing with another beautiful woman, Chan is forced to pretend his girlfriend is a local whore, attacking him for money, in order to remain undercover. When his vocal assault doesn’t put her at bay, Yang puts her into one by shoving her into a pool. For the rest of her stay, everyone thinks she is aggressively soliciting sex. Not enough? There’s more…

Chan finally convinces her that he is on a mission and she helps cover for him. Proud with helping her man retain his rouse, she gives her co-worker the downlow. Too bad it happened to be within earshot of one of Chan’s targets, which leads to his blown cover and her kidnapping. To cap it all off, at the exchange, she is thrown out of a low flying helicopter and smashes into a parked car, then the ground. Yeah. Kinda makes you wonder why she doesn’t make an appearance in part four…

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

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Goon: “Boss, that woman died after her shot [of Heroin].”
Chaibat: [Laughing] “That’s fine, Johnny is an expert in putting
[smuggling] drugs  into corpses…”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

“A pretty hooker is a sign of trouble.”

[THE GIST OF JACKIE: 4 outta 5]

[X] Breaks Into Someplace Or Escapes By Way Of Acrobatics
[X] Has An Annoying Tag-Along Companion
[X] Makes The ‘OW!’ Face And/Or Rubs A Soar Spot
[X] Performs A Ridiculously Dangerous Stunt
[  ] Uses A Random Object To Defend Himself

[THE USES OF YEOH: 3 outta 3]

[X] Kicks A Man’s Ass
[X] Plays A Cop Or Law Enforcement Agent
[X] Performs (an) Impressive Stunt(s)

[THE CHECKLIST: 18 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[  ] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[Police Story 3: Supercop 2 and Police Story IV: First Strike]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

The Fast and the Furious 3: Fancy Fishtails

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006): Breakdown by Rantbo

Teenage brat gets shipped to Japan and power slides his way into the dangerous, illegal underground world of e-braking at high speeds.

[THE EXECUTION]

TOKYO DRIFT. It sounds like an STD and much like one, this franchise will keep popping up every so often to irritate and disgust us.

This time, instead of following another one of the alumni from part one, we get an all new character to annoy us. His name is Sean and he is a trouble maker. Somehow in the coarse of a couple days, this “teenager” manages to partake in two life changing street races, on two different continents and all in the name of pre-legal pussy. For race number two, he takes a liking to the underage girlfriend of a 30-year-old high-school student, who happens to be a part-time gangster. So, Sean must seek out an Obi-Wan to teach him the ways of ‘drifting’ to defeat and humiliate him. And that’s pretty much the story.

To be fair, this movie is probably the best film out of the first three. Not to say that I liked it the best, because I didn’t, it just has a lot of things going for it that the other two didn’t. For instance, exciting races. That’s kind of a big one considering that this franchise is based upon making teenage wiggers think shiny cars are cool enough to try and obtain. So, it’s kind of sad that it took till the third movie to actually show them in action, as opposed to green screening it with blur effects.

Another thing I liked was that they actually have a likable tough-guy as the main character. Sorry Paul Walker, but you was a pussy. Lucas Black plays Sean and it was weird for me to see him as a middle-aged looking dude, ‘cuz I remember him as the little creepy kid from AMERICAN GOTHIC. He still acts, dresses and sounds like he was just picked up by a casting agent at an Alabama bus stop and I have to respect him for not becoming just another shirtless boy-whore (Channing Tatum—Paul Walker). At least not yet.

The best part about this movie though, has to be that instead of racing for boring bullshit like cash and pink slips, this film ups the game and the stakes by having the honor to take a spoiled girl to the prom and the right to remain a Tokyo gangster as the prize for fishtailing the best. I like that. Makes it more interesting.

All-in-all, this is an average (5-6ish outta 10) flick. Again, I’m not a car guy, so I appreciate this culture about as much as I do Youth Groups (I’m an anti-social atheist) and Skate Boarding (I’m fat and uncoordinated), so I feel I can’t fairly judge it too harshly. It’s not nearly as fun as part 2, but this one at least brings something new (albeit, stupid) to the table. So I’ll say it’s worth a watch if you are bored and want to see some original chase sequences. Oh, and this film also features Sonny Fucking Chiba. That’s worth a rental, right there.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Lucas Black is Sean ‘The Gaijin’ Boswell

He looks like he’s thirty (though at the time, was only 24) and his problem is, he keeps getting kicked out of High School for trolling teenage pootie-tang. Well—that’s at least the catalyst. It appears as though Sean feels the need, the need to drive really fast and reckless like an asshole to impress trust fund pussy.  But at least he does it with some American muscle and style. He has that macho-bullshit attitude that was present with every character in the past two films, but at least with Lucas Black, he manages to be somewhat believable and subsequently, likable. Plus, his Mom is smoking…

Mmm, I wouldn’t kick THAT outta bed in the morning!

Sean’s a natural born troublemaker, but with a heart of honorable gold and bawls of steel. But, it’s like that old saying goes: “If you’re gonna be dumb, ya gotta be tough.” And it could just be that the only basis for on-screen comparison is a kid named Twinkie who is played by Little Bow Wow, but this motto seems to suit Sean pretty well. As for doing Bad-Ass things—not so much. At least not outside of the event in the [Most Satisfying Ass-Kicking…] listed below.

[THE BODY COUNT: 01]

Sean’s Obi-Wan, Han, gets his self blown-up in a car wreck. But, that’s what you get for driving like a fucking ass-hat.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATHS]

That Kid From Sling Blade vs. That Kid From Home Improvement

Both in their mid-twenties and these two still just can’t seem to grow up. The spark of the incident is Sean talking to Zachary Ty Bryan’s underage girlfriend. Some macho dick measuring commences and it naturally comes down to a car race. Problem is, Sean only races for pink slips and Zach’s Viper is worth 80,000 dollars of syndication residuals.  So, what to race for? The slut has an idea. Her. So, the race is on and it takes place in, on and through a housing development under construction (I looked, but didn’t spot Tim Allen or Al). And it’s easily the best part of the movie.

The two D-Bags grimace, sneer and plow through the site, with complete disregard for safety and property, to the tunes of Kid Rock and culminates with Sean driving through an unfinished house to close the gap. All I can say is, that little blonde bimbo’s pussy better be Shangri-la for all this trouble. Oh, and as for the ‘Deaths’, it’s these guy’s careers.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Nothing to report really. There is a brief scene in a bathhouse, but outside of that and the staple macho-asshole street-racing, nothing to go on about. Which is disappointing. But even if it were trying to entice young men out of the closet, how could it even compare to 2 FAST? It couldn’t, so director Justin Lin took the James Cameron approach (ALIENS) and went with a new angle. Which is racing for school girl appreciation and admiration. Which, don’t get me wrong, is both creepy and funny in it’s own right, but I can’t say I didn’t miss watching two angst-filled 35 year old men bickering over who was going to be pitcher and catcher.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Once again, a bunch more short “skirts” and shirts that wouldn’t even classify as bras. Ho-hum. But, there was this…

That’s right, make your parents proud, you god dammed whore. And by the way, when did High School sponsored cheerleader uniforms start out-trashing common street walker’s ensembles? I graduated about 8 years ago, so maybe shit has changed, but they certainly didn’t weren’t allowed to wear shit like that when I was in school. At least not without being sent home. God dammit.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Every scene with Sonny Chiba. ‘Cuz it’s Sonny Fucking Chiba.

“There’s an old saying: For want of a nail—the horseshoe was lost.  For want of a horseshoe—the steed was lost. For want of a steed—the message was not delivered. For want of an undelivered message—

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

“There’s no “wax on, wax off” with drifting—learn by doing it.”

WARNING: UNIVERSAL PICTURES AND THE PRODUCERS UNDERSTAND THAT THE FANS OF OUR FAST AND FURIOUS FRANCHISE ARE NIMROD JACK-OFF DOUCHE-BAGS AND EVEN THOUGH THIS IS CLEARLY NOT A DOCUMENTARY, MUST INSIST THAT NO ONE RECREATE OR RE-ENACT ANY STUNT OR ACTIVITY PERFORMED WITHIN THIS FICTIONAL MOVIE.

[THE CHECKLIST: 13 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor” [Sonny Fucking Chiba]
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[  ] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[Fast & Furious]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

Hey… Is that—?It is! Mr. Clean! What’s He Doing In This Movie!?

2 F@&5 2 Curious

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

2 Fast 2 Furious (2003): Breakdown by Rantbo

Paul Walker is back to race more cars and flirt-fight with his old boyfriend, ex-supermodel, Tyrese.

[THE EXECUTION]

I knew I was in for a special kind of stupid when the first thing seen on screen is the UNIVERSAL studio logo transforming into a chrome hub-cap and bounce as though it had hydraulics. But I wouldn’t expect any less from a movie that revolves around a bunch of douche-bags driving around in ugly overpriced penis extensions.

So, Paul Walker returns as Brian O’Conner, but this time, Brian’s on the other side of the law. Apparently if you let a suspect go (and don’t think to just lie about it), you end up being one of the most wanted men in America. Alright, whatever… Eventually, Brian gets tracked down by James Remar and arrested. However, he avoids jail by striking a deal for himself and his ex butt-buddy, Roman Pearce (Tyrese). Their mission: infiltrate a cartel as drug-runners (drivers), supply information to the Feds and fall back in love with each other.

While 2 FAST is certainly a worse movie than the original, it is also about a 110% more fun. For starters, they actually race the cars around non-liner tracks and freeways. As (thankfully) someone must have pointed out, driving in a straight-line, no matter how fast, is fucking boring. Second, the main characters are like watching the gay equivalent of a 50s marriage sitcom. They switch back and forth between who is the “Lucy” and who is the “Ricky”, but in the end, it is their combined antics that make this film a classic guilty pleasure.

Also, the format, however not strikingly original, is much more fun. Which, I mean to say, it isn’t a straight rip-off of another, better movie of the same genre. Not to say they are paving new ground, hells no, but it’s just different enough from the other “Struck-A-Deal-With-The-Feds-To-Stay-Out-Of-Prison” movies and it is certainly the most pro-gay.

Like I said, the film is completely asinine, but it’s also unintentionally hilarious. For example, I give you—verbatim, the dialogue from the big ‘Heart-To-Heart’ moment of the film. This scene is placed right before the final action sequence and meant to bring it all home, and together with the men on screen, make the audience nod with much bro-love and respect:

Brian: Man—you remember us growin’ up? You know, playin’ football in the dirt, you know, all the stupid things we did… When you got busted, you know, whether I was a cop or not, you know, if there was anything I could’ve done, you know, I would have done it—I just want chu to know dat.
Rome: Is that why you let that dude go in L.A.?
Brian: Yeah, I think that had a lot to do with it.
Rome: When I got busted—it wasn’t your fault—izz all on me. Mr.—Roman Pearce—whild’n out, crazy man. No one could tell me nutin’, ridin’ solo.
Brian: Yeah, well not anymore—not anymore, bro.

Best dialogue exchange—ever. If that doesn’t bring a tear to you eye—you’re not laughing hard enough. Read it again and check out how many times Brian says “You Know?” Picture included for truly epic lulz.

So, in the end, the only true crime to spawn out of this movie, outside of more pointless cinematic dribble, is that Tyrese wasn’t brought back for the sequels.  I recommend watching this with your best-bro and together, reminisce on what made you fall in friendship for one another—‘cuz that’s truly what it’s all about.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Paul Walker is Brian O’Conner, X-Cop

Walker is most certainly better when allowed to be as dumb as he wants to be (read as: is), and with 2FAST, clearly had carte blanche. The character is still a terrible, un-clever mix-match of other mediocre action heroes, but at least this time, he is his own brand of stupid. Brian does a bunch more crazy/moronic adrenaline-junkie douche-baggery this time around, but again, it’s nothing I couldn’t see if I just watched some reruns of mid-70s television and a random half-an-hour of MTV.

-Pulls a E-brake 180% while speeding down a freeway.
-Plays chicken at a 100 miles per hour.
-Hangs out of a car going 100 miles per hour.
-Jumps a car, Hazard County-style onto a yacht.

Tyrese Gibson is Mr. Roman Pearce, X-Boyfriend

Tyrese is a comedic genius. It’s too bad he was born so pretty, because I could easily have seen him being a classic cast member of SNL. The guy is so over-the-top into himself, that he becomes a walking parody of “cool”. He’s the type of guy that purposefully draws attention to himself in public to show everyone within eye-shot of how awesome he is, incapable of understanding everyone’s just paying attention to him because he’s an obnoxious asshole. Fueled by mock-praise. So, this really is THE perfect role for him, and it shows through in his performance as he is pretty much playing an extreme version of himself: A douche-bag shiny-car driver.

-Takes off his shirt to punch out a window (show the guys in the audience his abs) and when told: “Now put cho blouse back on!”, by Brian he responds with,  “Hay-Tur!” (HAHAHA, I DIDN’T MAKE THAT UP!)
-Shoots a gun at James Remar. (that takes bawls)
-Lights some goomba’s windshield on fire.
-Sends an unmanned SUV into a cop car.
-Pulls off an Aston Martin-esque maneuver on an unwanted passenger. (see more below)
-Rides shotgun on aforementioned Hazard County-style jump.

[THE BODY COUNT: 01—I'M PRETTY SURE]

Again, it’s pretty tame and lame, but it’s what I’ve come to expect from the series after the lackluster out-putting of part one. For some reason during one of the “races”, one of the jack-off drivers decides to try and go between two semi trucks that are bottlenecking and gets his ass crushed in the process. Not only that, but he takes out his dipshit partner in the process by blocking his path with the wreckage that was his 50,000 dollar ‘investment’. I’m pretty sure there is no way the dumbass driver could have survived, so there you go.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

Brian and Rome v. The Bald Biting Bitchboy

After being taken away into the woods for an easily escapable assassination scenario, Brian’s bro backs him up and together they beat up one of Cole Hauser’s lackeys. Like a bunch of girls. Seriously, there is biting, spitting and kicking while down. What a bunch of sissys. However, it was funny, so there ya go.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

A few years ago, a few friends and I went to hang out with another friend/co-worker at his house after work. Let’s call him Jeffrey, because that was his name. Jeffrey was (still is, of course) gay, as was one of his roommates. We had decided to watch a movie, and as a goof, Jeffery put on one of his adult “alone-time” videos. So, there I was, in a room with a 4 other guys, two of which were gay and with a movie playing featuring two guys buttfucking each other. And you know something? That situation was less gay than 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS.

Roman: When I needed your ass—you were nowhere to be found!

Brian: Alright Rome, I got sumthin for yer ass!

Verone: You got balls kid. [Chuckles] I can appreciate that.

As I mentioned before, the entire story revolves around Brian and Roman re-kindling their former bromance. The guys had a falling out when Brian was revealed to be a cop, shortly after Roman got busted and sent to prison for three years. And Roman blamed Brian, even though he had nothing to do with it. Love is complicated. Consequently, 80% of the film’s dialogue is unchecked tension in the form of bickering over silly inconsequential bullshit. Here are some examples:

-On the ride to meet the villain of this picture, Brian pulls the old “Stare-and-Drive” on Eva Mendes. He stares at her and—Christ, you get the picture. Proving that Rome claims rights to having pissed on the Bri-Guy Tree first, he pulls up at the stoplight next to them and says, “…he got that FROM ME!” and speeds away in a tiff. Somebody’s jealousss!

-Returning from a job, the guys follow Eva Mendez through the badguys lair and the following dialogue exchange takes place…

Rome: [Angry] What chu chekcin’ her out for?!
Brian: [Guiltily] I’m not checking her out!
Rome: Yes you were.
Brian: No I wasn’t.
Rome: I seen you checkin’ her out man!
Brian: OK, I was. Now shut-up.
Rome: You shut-up, don’t tell me to shut-up!
Monica: Both you girlies shut-up!—Unbelievable!

I concur.

-On the way out to another meeting…

Rome: Man! It’s so hot and humid out here, I can’t even wear no draws!
Brian: Man, tell me about it!

Awesome. After this, Rome has a brief heterosexual urge to look at a girl’s booty, but Bri-Dog quickly sweeps in, cups his bro’s peck and pulls him back toward the cabana boys. (see above pic)

-Here’s one more…

Brian : [Talking to Rome about another gay couple] Alright, check it out. There’s no way we gonna beat these guys straight up. We’re gonna have to pull somethin’ out of our ass. The only thing I can think of is save the spray for the way back, the return trip.

Case fucking closed.

Also, I don’t think Tyrese owns a single shirt with sleeves.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Much like the first movie, there are plenty of half-naked hoes gyrating around like the sluts their families always hoped they would grow up to be. But, for the most part, this one is all about the boys.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Just when I was starting to think that there would be no great, or even half cool moment or line, Tyrese pulled through. Using some old half-filled NAS canisters and a thruster button, Rome ejects his passenger side seat, passenger included, out the side of his car while doing 80 or so. Oddly, the guy ends up without a scratch, but the amusing part about the scene is just how happy Rome is with himself…

“Ejecto-Seato, Cuz!”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Love conquers all, and don’t play games with Cole Hauser.

[THE CHECKLIST: 17 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[X] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel [The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)

[X] Vigilante Justice

THE 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS BROTAGE

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2 Fast 2 Furious (2003) © Mikona Productions GmbH & Co. KG and Universal Studios Home Entertainment

The Fast and the Bi-Curious

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

The Fast and the Furious (2001): Breakdown by Rantbo

Undercover douche-bag cop bonds with criminal douche-bags over shiny douche-mobiles.

[THE EXECUTION]

I’ll start by saying this really isn’t my type of action. I really don’t give a shit about cars and have little to no interest in watching a bunch of jag-offs drive around fast in them. However, I do get a kick out of shitty over-hyped B-Action movies. Thus this breakdown.

I first watched this one in the theater, and at the time I was much more forgiving and just simply dismissed the film as mediocre crap. Then after I found out how many people loved it, pathetic rebel that I am, I began to hate it. AND THEN, I got really into action flicks in my twenties and have since come to enjoy this picture for the campy dumbass popcorn chomping piece of shit that it is. And I almost half-way enjoy it now.

The film follows a teen-beat undercover cop as he infiltrates the dangerous and sexy world of underground drag racing. He does this because teenagers like seeing slutty women and hearing rap-rock music in their movies. AND because the character is trying to discover the identities of a team of asshat merchandise thieves, whose M.O. is ripping off 18-wheeler cargo at 80 miles an hour. Which allows for plenty top-of-the-line electronic product placement, I might add. He finds them 5 minutes into the movie, but then spends the rest of it in denial as he loves them all too much to see that they are evil douchie scum.

In short, THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS is simply a bad knock-off to an already mediocre movie—POINT BREAK. When I saw TFATF, I haddn’t yet seen P-BREAK and it wasn’t until a couple years later that my amigo Kain pointed this out to me. And he was right. After watching both, it becomes embarrassingly apparent.

You’ve got the new hot-shot pretty-boy California cop, who befriends a bunch of adrenaline junkies, that he meets through a girl-who works at a diner. He becomes a confidant, enters their inner circle, gathers evidence, shows up to bust them during their only failed robbery attempt and in the end, lets the leader go out of much bro-love. Like, Holy Shit! Who did the filmmakers think they were fooling? All they did was exchange surfing for driving and banks for trucks. That’s it. Well—they also traded the violence, swearing, foot-chase, presidential masks and meatball sandwiches for a fist fight, ebonics, driving in a straight line, ninja hoods and tuna-fish on wheat. All of which strikes against it. Plus, Paul Walker is no Keanu and Diesel no Swayze.

But, again, I’m not a car guy, so I think it would be unfair of me to judge too harshly. This film is bearable, but make no mistake, I’d rather watch POINT BREAK any day of the week. Not only is it a better, R rated version of the same story, it also has Gary Busy . And you can’t beat that with a lubed-up tire-iron.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Paul Walker is Brian O’Conner a.k.a. Snow Man

Paul Walker is to action as Sylvester Stallone is to comedy. While it may work out in a fluke (RUNNING SCARED, and OSCAR, respectably), he has no business in the genre. At least not at this juncture. He does pull off some ballsy stunts late in the film, or rather his stunt man does… But in the end, Paul Walker is just as mediocre and bland as the movie he is headlining. Maybe next time, Bri-Guy.

[THE BODY COUNT: 02]

For an action movie, this is as tame as the PG-13 rating will allow before becoming straight-up Disney. The body count is practically nil and the 2 deaths you do see are airable for network television sans cuts, but again, this really isn’t that type of movie. This is one of those “TOP GUN” type action flicks where, even though there isn’t much action at all, you always find it in that section at video stores, ‘cuz where the Hell else are you going to put it?

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

Brian vs. Vince The Alpha Douche

Whacho Whacho Whacho BACK! Whacho Back Whacho Back!

Even though this fight is lamer than most seen in real life (on elementary school playgrounds), I still have to choose it as my pick, as—well, frankly there aren’t that many options. Plus, this faux-macho alpha-male bullshit is hilarious when it’s supposed to be taken so seriously.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

“No one likes the tuna here!”

This new-wave late-nineties machismo is just as gay as the 80s, but twice as annoying due the culture surrounding it. And aside from Diesel, it’s less than half as buff. However, they do try twice as hard to appear as though they love the pussy. Which comes crashing down like a waterfall of jizz with all the sweat, leather, snake-skin, mesh-shirts and jewelry, worn by the men. They aren’t fooling anybody, least alone the women, who are forced to go gay themselves out of their would-be male partner’s negligence.

There isn’t really any overtly homosexual scenes, but Vinny-D does spend a ton of the film (as does his crew), sweating in muscle shirts and drinking bottled brew. In fact, there are some instances I could swear came straight out of the Schmitt’s Gay Beer commercial.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

The women of The Fast and The Furious are pretty much half-naked hood-ornaments for the shiny douche-mobiles that hover around every scene like a swarm of west Nile mosquitoes. At one point, Diesel even asks (tells) his girlfriend she is his trophy. Yes, just another pretty object to be admired, shown-off and then placed on a mantle to be ignored and then forgotten. Also, the ladies in this picture need two hairdos to pull off the slut-suits they shuffle around in so proudly. I doubt you could even make a wash-towel if you stitched together all the combined ‘clothing’ of said race-groupies. Where are their parents!? It’s all very sad.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

I figured going into this that I would end up picking the Charger’s horrific demise and I was right.

Something so pretty getting trashed for cheap thrills is a staple of action cinema, and it’s one of the rare instances this movie bothers to try being one.

As for the one liner, the only one I could think of before re-watching this crap was the “Quarter Mile” line that Diesel repeats a couple times, but then I had forgotten about this gem…

When threatened with the thought of some other dog (dog being, Brian) coming to his restaurant and pissing on his tree (tree being, Jordana Brewster and her sweet, sweet ass), Alpha Douche lets loose the following:

“Try ‘Fat Burger’ from now on—you can getcho self a double-cheese with fries for two ninety-five—Faggot.”

Said with a straight face, this line is epic. The added pause and “Faggot”  REALLY sells it. He might as well have said, “… Oh! And another thing—You’re A GAY!” I can’t help but laugh, especially since it’s coming from the guy that wears a mesh tank-top, sports a cho-mo stash and is never seen without a queer leather arm-band strapped above his well manicured hand.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

“It don’t matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning is winning.“ And if given the opportunity, I would eat 3 square meals a day out of Jordana Brewster’s ass crack.

[THE CHECKLIST: 16 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor” [Rick Yune]
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[2 Fast 2 Furious]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

“He’s got nitrous-oxide in his blood and a gas-tank for a brain.”

And another man’s hand on his stick-shift. HONK! HONK!