Doom [Unrated Extended Edition](2005): Breakdown by Rantbo
Space Marines battle alien monsters that killed off a colony. Sounds familiar…
Based off of one of the Most Bad-Ass Mother-Fucking Games of ALL Fucking Time, and featuring striking similarities to James Cameron’s Masterpiece, ALIENS, the question is, how does this movie fair in comparison to it’s inspirations? Answer—Not so good. BUT, it’s still far from a complete shit-burger.
The rail-thin story is as follows: A portal was discovered on Earth capable of transporting people and items to an ancient civilization on Mars. Naturally, a scientific colony soon followed and inhuman experiments commenced and some spooky demon shit occurs and a team of ass-kickers is sent in to remedy the situation. And, as you would expect, the shit hits the teleportation device and the team gets fucked like a space sailor on shore leave.
The problems begin with the fact that this movie doesn’t take much at all after the game. The only idea they seemed to fancy was a bit of first person pov and the look of the game’s imp creatures. Oh, and the BFG. But that last one’s in name and size only. Plus, the imps don’t even shoot fireballs, which even if they did, it wouldn’t change the fact that they are easily the lamest enemy from the game. The least they could have done is thrown in a couple of the pink bull-demon things or some acid floors, or something. But, no. Instead you get a bunch of lame horror movie clichés like faulty flashlights and animals popping out of the shadows for over an hour and twenty-five minutes, and then twenty minutes of sheer awesome to make you forget how terribly bland everything you just watched before it was.
There isn’t very much else to really say about this one. I never found it to be slow, but nothing of any real interest or importance happens until the end of the second act, and since I plan on talking about all the awesome parts down below, there isn’t much sense in continuing here. So, to wrap up, DOOM is your average, everyday ALIENS rip-off with a cheesy, though inspired worthwhile ending. I’d recommend it to fans of the sub-genre, but only if you’ve run out of Alien sequels you haven’t seen and already watched EVENT HORIZON.
[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]
Karl Urban is John Grimm, Handle ID: REAPER
A big ‘joke’ of the movie is not knowing just who the real hero of the story will turn out to be. The big musclely beefcake, or the scruffy brooding guy (Urban). And the ‘punch line’ goes so far as to have Dwayne Johnson break the fourth wall and say ‘I’m not supposed to die!” whilst being dragged away by the mutant demons. Leaving us with Karl THE PATHFINDER.
Urban looks as though he performed his entire role straight through, without sleep and after a 3 day bender. Not sure if this is what actually happened, or if it was what he was going for with the character, or door number three, but whatever the case, it works.
Reaper’s general McClane-ian style of ‘this world is bullshit’ apathetic demeanor breaks with pure rage in the face of evil and he begrudgingly puts foot to ass in the name of justice for his departed comrades and to save his hot scientist sister’s glorious gyrating mammary glands (and the rest of her body as well) from demonic destruction. And in doing so, he riddles a few dozen infected ‘zombie’ people with bullets, annihilates some mutant imps and successfully sends back what the Rock was cooking. With a grenade. Not too shabby.
[THE BODY COUNT: 70ISH]
SPOILER. Everyone dies except for Reaper and Rosamund. Death variations include: Gunshot, head trauma, devoured alive, fire, falling and explosions. And they involve: humans, mutated humans, dogs, rats, monkeys and what ever the Hell Dwayne turned into.
[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]
Reaper vs. Sarge
Both infused with metal and chromosome 24, the former brothers-in-arms dux it out wire-work style and—well, it’s pretty lame. It’s not shot with shaky-cam, but it’s still pretty hard to understand the geography of the scene. Probably has to do with the black-as-Bill-Duke lighting and gravity inconsistency during the goofy body slams. BUT, it’s the best this film has. Well—there was this cool little kill in the FPS sequence where Reaper shoots the hand off a ‘zombie’ holding an axe and the blade falls into his head and then Reaper shoots him in the face. Come to think of it, that’s my most satisfying kill. Forget all the Karl vs. Dwayne bullshit. Sorry, The Rock.
[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]
Very little. Dwayne Johnson does appear shirtless when we fist meet him, but like a PG-13 Teen Sex comedy, they only show his back and side-boob. Lame. And the rest of the movie pretty much just involves these guys in full space-S.W.A.T. gear trumping around poorly lit metal hallways shining their flashlights on each other. Which sounds like some awesome slumber-party shenanigans, but it isn’t queer enough to register on the ol’ gaydar.
[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]
As this is the Unrated Extended Edition, they put back in the topless ‘zombie’ chick. Woot.
Other than that, like the D&M section, not much. However, for some reason or another, Rosamund Pike spent the entire film sans bra and some spectacular tit-capades occurred when she walked with purpose through the chilly corridors of the science station. Double-Woot.
[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]
Copyright held by Universal Pictures. Those lucky bastards.
J/K, It’s THE FUCKING FPS SEQUENCE! What else!?
This shit single-handedly saved this film from sheer mediocrity. Watching this go down on the big screen was so refreshing and fun, especially after the rest of the movie. And it made me wish the whole fuckin’ thing was shot like this. Sure, it probably would have gotten old after about 15 minutes, but at least it would have been a memorable chunk of mediocrity, as apposed to the forgettable chunk it is now.
And here’s the one line you wait the whole movie for…
[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]
Nothing could save Dwayne ‘The Toothfairy’ Johnson’s action career.
Not Even Doom Movie
[THE CHECKLIST: 09 outta 25]
[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor” [Dwayne]
[ ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[ ] Crotch Attack
[ ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[ ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[ ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[ ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[ ] Manly Embrace(s)
[ ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[ ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[ ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[ ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[ ] Tis The Season
[ ] Torture Sequence(s)
[ ] Unnecessary Sequel
[ ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[ ] Vigilante Justice
“What’s Goin’ On!!!”
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