The 5th Film By Quentin Tarantino

Death Proof 01

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Grindhouse: Thunder Bolt Death Proof [Extended & Unrated](2007): Breakdown by Rantbo

Q. What if Tarantino made a late-70s, early-80s horror movie about a ‘Slasher’ that used his connections working in the movie business to choose his victims, and instead of killing them off one-by-one with a knife, he used his stunt-car to claim them all at once?

A. DEATH PROOF

[THE EXECUTION]

Note: I Recommend Reading My Breakdown On Planet Terror, Before Reading Further.

Kurt Russell cums in his front cab when hot women die on a black-top slab.

Death Proof 02

DEATH PROOF was easily my favorite movie of 2007 and stands pretty high on the all-time list, so this breakdown might go a little bit longer than normal, but bear with me. I’ll do my best to keep my opinions entertaining.

One thing I must address before my praises, is the main argument of DEATH PROOF haters: The Talking. “I hated the girls, I hated the dialogue, it’s too long, the first half was boring…”, etc. And while I agree that there is an abundance of words and that the girls can become annoying, which, if watching this as part of the GRINDHOUSE experience, is compounded by a stark contrast to the previous bill, that spent practically NO time in this department, I disagree in seeing this as a negative. For two reasons:

#1. This is a film by Quentin Tarantino. His name was clearly advertised on the posters and in the trailers. And since even most casual movie-watchers know, his previous films are 90% dialogue, leaving me with one question to the disappointed viewers of DEATH PROOF: WHAT THE FUCK WHERE YOU EXPECTING!? michael bay’s movies come out in the summer, you should have tried reading the marquee a little closer.

#2.  I understand what this movie intended to be, was and is—a slasher movie. And what happens in slasher movies? Girls hang out, they talk about boys, they take illicit substances, have sex and get punished. Carved in fucking stone, since 1980. And with most every great slasher flick (BLACK CHRISTMAS, HALLOWEEN, FRIDAY THE 13th, etc.) the first hour of the film is build-up to the demise of the stock characters. You get what you pay for, folks. And with DEATH PROOF, you get even more…

Death Proof 03

It wouldn’t be a Tarantino film without the genre twist.

-RESERVOIR DOGS is a heist movie, where you never see the heist.

-PULP FICTION is, amongst other things, a movie about two hitmen on job retrieving a briefcase, the circumstances of retrieving which lead to a split path of spiritual awakening and damnation, yet you never find out what becomes of one of the main characters. Not to mention, what’s inside the fucking case.

-KILL BILL is a tale of revenge, that begins mid-way through without delivering the full history of the circumstances until over 4 hours in.

And DEATH PROOF is a slasher film that begins half-a-day before the troupe of insufferable girls make it to the lake house for literal and figurative fucking. And they are killed before even getting there. It’s this style that defines QT’s movies.

If anything, I would think the people who don’t like all the talking would be pleased that the ratio of dialogue-to-death is so SHORT in DEATH PROOF when compared to it’s psychotic-killer movie cousins. This movie books to satisfaction. The whole slasher half of the movie is over in less than an hour and it has 5 of the greatest kills ever shot for the genre! If you don’t like slasher movies, fine, you don’t have to watch them. But don’t watch a film in a genre you hate and then bitch about how it let you down. Of course it did, asshole. Nobody twisted your arm to stick around after PLANET TERROR. Just grab your coat and jog the fuck on. That said, on to the fan boy blow-job part of the review.

Death Proof 04

What really makes DEATH PROOF a diamond in the wreckage of the action/horror cult genre, is how well Tarantino presents the unexpected, expectedness. The whole first half of the film just keeps building and building to these bitches getting creamed and then, allovasudden, whammo! It does. And it leaves you with a sort of “Well, that was awesome, but now what? That’s not all, is it?” frame of mind.

The slasher victims didn’t even leave their car. Much less, have a chance to run around half-naked through the foggy moon-lit woods surrounding Shanna Banana’s Daddy’s lake house, waiting for the set-up elusive boyfriend to show up in the nick of time to save the final girl. It was just a split-second of fear, then BANG!—darkness. Though it was highly satisfying watching Jungle Julia explode from brute force, it’s not much of a horror film if the main characters only have a split second’s knowledge of their impending doom…

Well, thankfully, Tarantino knew this and the movie goes on to deliver ANOTHER batch of girls. Making sure that this time, it won’t be so quick. And this is the genius of the film.

Not only does Tarantino cover the 80s style slasher film archetype of rooting for the killer (Jason/Freddy = Mike), he pulls a switch-a-roo and makes the second half an homage to the 70s style slasher film archetype of the vengeance fueled female (I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE, FAIR GAME, THRILLER). It’s a two-fer-one in an ALREADY two-for-one double feature! Talk about bang for your buck.

Death Proof 05

And the way in which he pulls this off is fantastic. For the first half, when Stuntman Mike is introduced, he’s charming, funny, cool and an all-around old-school likable dude. His enigmatic demeanor and humorous way with words is hypnotic, making him an easily more likable contrast to the loud mouthed, sassy twats on which he preys. Thus making his dastardly perverted deed, not only incredibly enjoyable, but also just shy of forgivable.

But, how does one go about turning this icon of evil coolness into someone we want to see punished? By having a second set of take-no-shit females unveil him for what he really is underneath that hard and scarred macho shell. A giant pussy. And to do so with one of THE hands-down greatest car chase sequences EVER shot, is, well—again, it’s genius.  Taking a slasher movie and mixing it with a car-sploitation flick is inspired. Inspired by classic drive-in ‘Grindhouse’ movies of the 70s and 80s. A ton of which are not only paid homage to with countless props and bits of dialogue, but also with straight-up verbal nods to the films themselves.

“…back in the all-or-nothing days, the VANISHING POINT days, the DIRTY MARY CRAZY LARRY days—the WHITE LINE FEVER days. Real cars, smashin’ into real cars. And real dumb people drivin’ ’em.”

Which makes for a hellova fun Easter-egg hunt for b-movie film buffs like myself. Then, complimenting the top-notch story, DEATH PROOF is also: Shot beautifully. Edited superbly. Performed by a wild bunch of women that you could swear were real life cliques. Features Kurt Russell being more badass (at least, when he’s supposed to be) than he has been since The Plisskin Chronicles.  Unveils Zoë Bell as a tour-de-force wildcat stuntwoman AND actress.  A kick-ass soundtrack of pure choice entertainment.  Wide-eye, holy-shit spectacular NON-CG stunts. And it has one of the best and most satisfying finales I’ve ever seen.

I would be hard pressed to find anything negative to say about it. But, in an attempt to deliver some critique,  I do think that Tracie Thoms could have toned it down a bit. I dig the sassy black-girl thing, but she may have taken it a little too far with all her Will Smithian “Ahwwww HELL NAW!”’s and “Mutha Fucka!”’s. Oh, and even though I can appreciate the ‘fun’ of not knowing, I would still like to know what happened to Lee…

Death Proof 06

In closing, I consider DEATH PROOF to be a modern classic in genre film-making and can’t recommend it enough if you are even a casual fan of b-action and horror. It’s a great film and I for one, love it.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Death Proof 07

Kurt Russell is Stuntman Mike McKay

Our hero for part one, at least the way I see it. Mike is essentially the Cowardly Lion from The Wonderful Wizard Of Oz—with a sexual fetish for crashing his car into obnoxious sets of women…

He puts on a great show of bullying, but the second that “little dog” bites, he breaks down like a bitch with a skinned knee. But, still—who doesn’t love the Cowardly Lion? Honestly, if Lion had had a thing for ramming Munchkins with his giant, oblonged head, and then jerked-off on their corpses, would he have been any less lovable? I think not. And so’s the case with Mike.

While in control, he’s the star of the show. A charismatic, well-spoken, funny, well-mannered brutal sadistic psychopath, that can eat the shit outtava nacho grande platter. What’s not to like about that? And as far as sexual delinquents go, Mike is pretty hardcore and original. Few perverts would risk shattered bones and trash their vintage muscle cars for ONE good load-blow.

Death Proof 08

The Girls — The 2nd Set: Left to Right…

Mary Elizabeth Winstead is Lee

Lee doesn’t really do anything. I pretty much just included her because she was in the above pic and because she’s played by McClane’s daughter and I really, really wanna fuck her. But again, she doesn’t really do anything other than inadvertently take one for the team.

Rosario Dawson is Abernathy

Make-up artist to Lindsay Lohan by day, enabler for insane stuntwomen by day-off, Abby is mostly just along for the ride. Until the end. Once the petal hits the metal, she drops her girlie-girl, fashion-obsessed personality, hikes up her skirt and opens up a big ol’ can of Brand-X Whoop-Ass.

Zoë ‘The Cat’ Bell is Herself

She was Xena, she was the Bride, and now, she’s Herself. And the benefit of being a stunt-woman and playing oneself, is that she does—all her own stunts. And what stunts they are! Her sequence on the hood of the Kowalski Challenger is, to risk sounding like a douchie movie critic, an exciting thrill-a-minute-ride! It’s not to often that I experience actual physical tension while watching movies, but I’ll be damned if my butthole didn’t pucker when the Charger hit the fan.

It’s rare when a woman can convincingly pull off being a Bad-Ass. Rarer still while playing themselves, as women simply contradict the term. Don’t get me wrong, women can and do Bad-Ass things, but to truly play a level of Ellen Ripley-Sarah Conner-esque Bad-Ass, it just doesn’t happen on any consistent basis. But, Zoë here, pulls it off. And in doing so becomes, pardon the pun, the driving-force behind the second half of the film.

Tracie Thoms is Kim

The “colored one”. Quote from the movie! I just thought it would be funny. Please don’t hate me.

Kim is the loud, sassy and swearing blaxspoitaion throwback chick. A stuntwoman by trade, she is second only to Miss. Bell. The female behind the wheel, Kim takes the role of the driver on this little Miss-adventure. Her tough-as-nails exterior only ever wavers when the thought of having lost a friend is foremost, indicating her a good person. But aside from that, this chick is in the business of kicking ass and business is good. Kim’s skills behind the wheel and gun are 99% responsible for Mike’s fate. And she works them with a grin. She’s no Pam Grier, but she wasn’t a bad thirty-something substitute either.

[THE BODY COUNT: SIX]

Mike: 5
The Girls: 1

Awesome deaths, great pay-offs, I don’t want to ruin ’em, just check it out.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Jungle Julia Lucai

I hate to see her go—that’s a lie. I love seeing her go, but I love EVEN MORE watching her die. All her snarky, know-it-all, self-aware coolness comes to a shattering, limb-detaching end when Mike enacts his goo-shooting plan.

Death Proof 09

The special effects of Gregory Nicotero and his team are so lifelike it’s—disgusting. It felt natural to write the word ‘disturbing’ there, but I couldn’t do it, as I enjoyed it too much.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

I could try the old stand-by of cars being inherently macho and therefor gay, which I could then back-up by the fact that they are used inadvertently within this movie to swing the world population ratio in favor of more cock and balls. But I won’t, ‘cuz I’m a classy guy.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Death Proof 10

All the girls featured are strong-willed and independent, and aside from the obvious fact that Mike slaughters half of them with his car, there is surprisingly little for a slasher movie.

Mike does charm (manipulate) himself a lap-dance from the elusive Butterfly, but do to the fact that it lacks nudity and is generally as tame as can be, there is little to gossip about. Butterfly, however, is still a stupid whore for participating.

Also, Lee get left behind in the sticks to be presumably raped by Jasper (Jonathan Loughran, reprising the role of the back-woods rapist from KILL BILL), but it’s unlikely that actually went down, as even though Jasper is clearly stupid, he still knows that Lee’s friends are due back shortly. So, I doubt very much that she was violated.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Mike Breaks The Fourth Wall

Death Proof 11

Up until this point the plot had merely been simmering on medium-low, but the second Mike gives the audience his shit-eating grin-“wink”, the movie starts to boil and it isn’t too long before the proverbial movie pot is overflowing female hipster blood.

Death Proof 12

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

You know that old saying, ‘If you’re gunna be dumb, ya gotta be tough.’, well, here’s another version: ‘If you’re gunna fuck with women stunt-drivers, ya gotta be DEATH PROOF.’

[THE CHECKLIST: 12 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[  ] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[  ] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Death Proof 13

Vampires, Kung Fu and Techno

Blade poster

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Blade (1998): Breakdown by Kain424

Half vampire/half human vampire hunter kills vampires.  Really, that’s about it.

[THE EXECUTION]

Before the X-Men movies jumpstarted the comic book movie decade, there were only a few good comic book movies.  The Punisher, The Crow, arguably the first two Batman films, and Blade (for why Superman sucks, go here).  While The Punisher never saw a U.S. release and thus had little success, Blade was able to make a splash with its wide release.

Blade & Dodge

Blade is a dark film with loads of bad-assery.  Its title character is an unflinching killing machine, played with a subdued fury by Wesley Snipes.  His look is clearly an influence on later films, like the following year’s The Matrix, and Blade even boasts the use of what would later be dubbed “bullet time”.  Director Stephen Norrington allows wacky visuals to punctuate what would otherwise be just silly, making rapping Japanese schoolgirls creepy and a romantic sunset scene as dark as the execution that precedes it.  And when you see two people lovingly holding hands as another man explodes in front of them, you know you’re watching a classic.

Blade Sunset

The movie also features fun performances by Udo Kier, Donal Logue and Stephen Dorff, defying logic and actually making the latter into a sort of bad-ass.  Kris Kristofferson’s side-character, Whistler, nearly steals the show, but ultimately gives the movie its heart, something that seems as unexpected as Wesley Snipes giving a reserved performance in an Action film.

Other than it’s interesting casting choices, what Blade really has going for it is it’s violence.  Seemingly with no regard for whatever rating they land on, the movie shows vampires in all their gory glory.  So in addition to gunfights, sword fights, martial arts battles and car chases, we also get blood-sucking and impalings.  The movie flinches less than it’s main character, maintaining a serious tone throughout, giving the protagonist an opportunity to actually be bad-ass instead of just saying he is.

Blade Bullet Time

The score is effective here, though the techno now seems a bit dated.  A classic New Order song remixed into a techno rave tune heads the film into that territory, but the Carpenter-like themes playing under the serious moments do wonders for the rest.

All that said, the film boasts its share of problems with being obviously dated to the 90s, having a weak female protagonist, and some shoddy CGI effects.  Still, the movie remains vastly entertaining, with Snipes acting as the solid center to an Action flick that successfully mixes in horror to make excellence.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Blade

Wesley Snipes is Blade is Eric Brooks

Snipes pulls off the character seemingly without effort.  He is astute and awesome, mixing a warrior’s cunning with super-strength and sweet-ass martial arts skills.  Blade is a ferocious bad-ass who fights without pity and without fear.  He’s a bad-ass that doesn’t let it get to his head, and in his fight scenes you can almost feel him holding back.  He’s a bad-ass that could really ruin your day, but he’s just going to hit you a couple times.

…Unless you’re a vampire.  Then you’re dead.  Again.

-Drives a modded 1968 Dodge Charger
-Dresses in awesome black body armor and leather trench coat
-Carries a booby-trapped samurai sword, lined with acid
-Carries guns that kill vampires and can fire silver stakes
-Carries lots of said silver stakes
-Carries silver ‘Glave-like’ boomerang thing also great for killing the undead
-Can kick your ass without any of these things

[THE BODY COUNT: 111]

Blade Gun

Even aside from the killing, Blade is a violent film.  The R rating allows for extended brutal fight sequences, bloody, gory violence, and general creepiness.  And within, we have gunshot, disintegration, stabbing, slicing, impaling, tearing out throats, beating, neck breaking, burning, and exploding.  All, of course, are fatal.  Snipes kills 65 vampire scum all by himself, with Kristoferson and Dorff rounding out much of the rest.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Blade

While I admit that the CGI looks a bit poor anymore, I still think the final death of the film is pretty cool.  Bullet-time and all, Frost’s demise from the sword-fight to the final, ugly explosion, is pretty cool.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Blade doesn’t seem too interested in women, but his relationship with Whistler seems more like a father-son type.  I’m not sure where to go with this one.  I guess you could go into the character’s obsession with leather outfits, but it all feels like a bit of a stretch.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Like a lot of the films from the 1990s, Blade tries very hard to make its female characters tough and convincing.  N’Bush Wright (no idea how to pronounce that) is snarky and apparently very intelligent.  We know this because she’s a doctor.  She’s given dialogue that let’s us know she doesn’t take shit, but that’s about as far as that goes.

Karen

Aside from her, we have a couple occasions where female vampires act like prey or are exceptionally deceptive, hinting that women are not to be trusted.  But since the male vampires are just as bad, if not worse, I can’t really put to much STAKE in this one.  Get it?  I said… ok, fine.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

My favorite moment of the film is the introduction of Blade’s character.  He just shows up at a rave where blood has been pouring from the ceiling and doesn’t have a drop on him.  He then proceeds to take on anything and anyone in the packed room that comes near him.  Blade’s a fucking bad-ass like that.

Blade Rave

Best line?

Blade: There are worse things out tonight than vampires.

Karen: Like what?

Blade: Like me.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill.  I’m not sure what that has to do with vampires, but Wesley Snipes said so.

[THE CHECKLIST: 17 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel [Blade II]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

Whistler

“Catch you fuckers at a bad time?”

Blade (1998) © New Line Cinema

Planet Terror, Project Kleenex

Planet Terror 01

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Grindhouse: Planet Terror [Extended & Unrated](2007): Breakdown by Rantbo

Q. What if that guy who made the Mexico Trilogy and FROM DUSK TILL DAWN (FDTD), directed an 80s style John Carpenter flick about the Zombie Apocalypse?

A. PLANET TERROR.

[THE EXECUTION]

Planet Terror, as described by my in-head observations:

-Mmm, sexy.
-Hey, it’s Sayid from LOST!
-Are those?—Yup, testicles. Gnarly.
-Bruno!
-Fuck yeah, Zombies!
-Weird, Fergie actually looks kinda attractive…
-Is that Bran from THE GOONIES?
-Michael Biehn, Sex Machine AND El Mariachi!? Too cool!
-Hehehe, gross.
-OK, that’s definitely Bran from THE GOONIES.
-Ha-ha, little kid killed himself.
-Raep Time!
-‘Bout time, machine gun-leg.
-Oh, silly.
-Well, that was pretty fuckin’ entertaining. Time for Tarantino!
-…Those twins were hot.

Planet Terror 02

I consider myself both lucky and privileged to be one of the 97 people that actually went to (and had the pleasure of) seeing GRINDHOUSE in the theater. Every so often I hear tell of another individual that shared in the experience and I know how special, they too, must feel.

Not only did I find GH to be my favorite movie of 2007, it’s also in my Top 3 movie going experiences of all time. Having followed the project since it’s proclaimed inception, I can’t explain how hyped I was. I followed all the casting news and announcements, listed to all the interviews, purchased and framed the poster, bought tickets a week early—which made no difference, as the theater was almost empty… AND I purchased both DVD’s and have since viewed them annually. So, it kinda goes without specifically saying, I loved GRINDHOUSE. Though, I say this when speaking of the project as a whole. And since I have decided to split up the two features, I have to judge the films on an individual basis and it’s here that my opinion changes, if only slightly, but it does.

Planet Terror 03

PLANET TERROR is your classic B-Movie zombie-fest-splotation flick, with the added bells and whistles of a large budget and a handful of A-List actors, Including Josh Brolin and Bruce Willis*.  Willis plays a glorified cameo as a special ops leader, who’s team purposefully unleashes a biochemical gas that turns humans into goo-monsters. And the rest of the story follows a handful of nearby townspeople as they try and escape the chaos and ensuing armageddon.

The movie is, of course, Rodriguez’s take on drive-in gore-driven horror movies from the good-ole-days, especially those of John Carpenter and George Romero. Though, relying much more heavily on the Carpenter. Rodriguez even borrowed pieces of the score from ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK and along with it, a good deal of the atmosphere. But, unlike Carpenter, Rodriguez injects his own wacky FDTD style of cartoonist-influenced violence, that I’m not too big a fan of—normally. This movie being one of the rare exceptions. I think it works in this film, as all the characters are purposefully vague and one-dimensional (especially the main two), so the gags and effects have to pick up this slack by being self-aware and silly. Which they do, marvelously.  The film’s hour-forty minute length cooks with rapid fan-service and wacky good times, which works great for the first film of this double-bill.

Planet Terror 14

My Brain Tells Me “That’s a dude!”, But My Penis Says. “How about them tities!?”

With over-the-top gore, almost constant explosions and a Grade-A, B-Movie cast running, driving, and flying around a spooky fog-coated town blowing up “zombies”, really—what’s not to like?

To answer my own seemingly rhetorical question, just a couple little things…

While PLANET TERROR plays great as part of the GRINDHOUSE feature, I’ve found it lacking on it’s own. Without Tarantino’s classy, more-subdued slasher flick proceeding it, PT leaves me with kind of a hollow feeling. And I think it has to do with the almost complete lack of character development with the two leads, Cherry and Wray. Essentially, this film is their “Happy-Ending” love story, yet the very thing that originally worked so well, not knowing them, only seems to hurt in retrospect as I feel nothing for them in the tragic end. And, I know, this is a movie featuring a giant dripping mutated penis and a machine-gun leg, but what can I say? I guess the child in me is dead, but the longing for Gimmie-Gimmie-MORE! Still lives on.

But, I’m no snob when it comes to genre flicks, and despite my retroactive feelings, I still think PLANET TERROR is one hellova fun time and should not be missed for any reason outside of “good taste”. But if that’s what you wanted, you wouldn’t be here on this website reading this anyways, so check it out.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

“Two Against The World.”

Planet Terror 05

Freddy Rodríguez is El Wray The Wrecker

“That boy’s got the devil in ‘im.”

Who’d a thunk a 3’6” Mexican could kick so much ass? OK, I’m sorry… He’s 5’6” and Puerto Rican. But I won’t hold that against him, as he’s still a BAMF. Sure, it’s mostly in a comedic ‘I can’t believe THIS GUY is pulling off such a BadAss role!’ way, but I have to give credit where credit is due. El Wray is one bad little fucker. Hell, given that name alone, Woody Allen would seem like a man not to be fucked with. By saying which, I in no way intend to discredit Rodríguez. I thought he was great.

Equipped with duel-butterflies and an enigmatic past, Wray weaves a tapestry of badassery. Backflipn’ off walls and slashing and stabbing the infected scum to save his girl. And this before he even get’s his tiny hands wrapped around his bread and butter. Guns, ladies and gentlemen— guns.

It’s hinted that he has a past with some highly classified, unspoken government organization. The explanation behind which, having been “lost” in the intentional ‘Missing Reel’ of film. Which is genius. With a shadowy origin, leading to unexpected skills and traits, Wray becomes the story you didn’t expect you’d want to see. But hey, MACHETE is coming out next year, so maybe someday…

Planet Terror 06

Rose McGowan is Fucking Hot—er, um Cherry Darling a.k.a. Palomita

“I have seen me some crazy-ass shit in my day, but I ain’t never seen a one-legged stripper.”

I think it was Jimmy Pop who sang, “A lap dance is so much better, when the stripper is cry’n.” Though, technically Cherry is a “Go-Go Dancer” (just like that hooker I once fucked was an “escort”). Darling opens the movie in a truly boner-educing stage performance that ends in tears. But, thankfully, it’s all uphill from there. But, like the saying goes, it’s a battle. Not to mention, a hell of a struggle with a wooden plank for a leg. To explain, shortly into the feature, Cherry loses her right stem in an industrial “zombie” accident and has to make do for most of the film with a makeshift replacement. Hilarity ensures, which later gives way to sheer badassery when her appendage is yet again replaced, this time with a M4 carbine machine gun with an M203 grenade launcher attachment.

Planet Terror 07

Yeah, buddy. Cherry uses her newly acquired disability to wreak havoc and destruction to the infected human race. Utilizing her ‘useless talents’ of flexibility(#66) and go-go moves(#12), she paints a masterpiece of destruction in pus-tinted gore, that Billy Mayes (rest his soul) would’ve been hard pressed to scrub clean. So, in short, does Cherry Darling kick ass? Fuckin’ A right she does.

[THE BODY COUNT: THE PLANET [-] A FEW]

Fuck if I could keep track. I, mean, I have freetime, but, no. No-way, Jack.

Since it is implied by the title and the end of the film, the “virus” reaches the entire planet, and only a precious few survive. So, giving the human race a 10% survival rate and a world population of over 6 billion, I’d say—fuck it. I’m bad with math. A shitload sound good to you? Sounds good to me.

I did, however, keep pretty close tabs on Wray and Cherry, and I came up with an educated combined estimate of 85-100. Each of them scoring in the forties. And since neither of them really get killing until the third act (Cherry, the LATE third), it’s a pretty hefty score. And like I mentioned before, this movie has that sweet, sweet gore. So much so, I’m sure that they had someone employed on set whose duty it was to simply clean the snot off the cameras between takes. If that’s any indication as to what a BLOODY good time this movie is.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]

Cherry & Dakota v. Rapist #1

Planet Terror 08

“Dance, bitch! Break a leg! Break—it—OFF!”

I think there might be some unspoken clause that says if Tarantino appears in a Rodriguez joint, he gets to rape, or at least, attempt to rape someone. And seeing as how Tarantino wrote FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, I’m willing to bet it’s his contract that affirms this.

So, how does Tarantino one-up Richie The Rapist? Why, with an chunky, infected, jarhead rapist with a three foot mutated schlong, of course. Though, for some reason, the girls don’t seem too into it. Which explains Dakota shooting his ass up with her anesthesia filled  “friends” and Cherry breaking a table-leg limb off in his eye socket and blowing his well-endowed zombie crotch off with a fuckin’ grenade launcher.

Planet Terror 09

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Well, Sayid From LOST has some odd sexually repressed behaviors, getting off by cutting up other men’s beanbags and storing their testes in a jar. Which he keeps on his person at all times, for some sick-ass reason (sniffing, while masturbating—I would assume).

Planet Terror 10

Though not gay, per-say, it’s certainly fucked up enough to warrant a mention, and seeing as how he clearly takes a sexual joy in the castration, what better a place?

Other than that, not much really. Michael Beihn and Jeff Fahey act like an old married couple and die in each other’s arms, expressing sentiments. But, they’re brothers. And then Freddy Rodríguez takes off his shirt, but he’s so tiny and covered in gnarly scars, it leaves little to get excited about. Plus, he does it in preparation to fuck Cherry. This movie just doesn’t want to have a gay-old time.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Rodriguez has always had a thing for strong female characters, so even when he does show signs of exploiting them, it’s always under some odd circumstances that negate the feelings of anti-femininity. I.E. The strippers in FDTD are actually vampires, luring in their prey and the Grindhouse gals end up killing their would-be rapist before anything too emotionally scarring happens, etc. But I’ve grasped at straws before…

So, aside from the aforementioned rape sequence, Dakota’s hubby Dr. Block (Bran from THE GOONIES) has gradually lost his mind over the years dealing with her affairs and subsequently, his inadequacy as she has had them with another woman. Well, sort-off—they were with Fergie and I’m not entirely convinced. But, Dakota does show a sexual interest in Cherry, so mystery solved. She’s a gay.

Planet Terror 11

“I’m Cherry.” – “You sure are…”

Filled with rage after discovering his wife’s plan to leave him for good, the good doctor goes a little off his Block and tortures her with her own set of mystery needles. And had he not been interrupted, it’s likely he would have killed her. Which, he tries to do later, but after becoming infected, so it counts less I think.

Other than that, there isn’t much to talk about. There isn’t even any nudity at the Go-Go club, but that’s because they’re not strippers, wah! However, you do get to see two of the ‘dancers’ kiss for like a second. But it’s barely worth mentioning.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Cherry Becomes The Person She Was Meant To Be

The Peg-Leg From Hell finally gets unleashed. You wait the whole movie to see this badboy in action and thankfully, it doesn’t disappoint. Taking point in the escape from the town’s military base, Cherry delivers the film’s payoff like next-day mail. Utilizing all of her “useless talents” she mows down almost 50 mutated soldiers and ends her display by slippin’ on a pair of shades to watch the destructive fire of her efforts burn the corpses of her vindictive killing spree.

Planet Terror 12

Cherry: [Crying] “I’m not leaving you, Wray. It’s two against the world.
Wray: [Dying] “It will be. I promise.”

Planet Terror 13

“I never miss.”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Eat brains—gain knowledge. And “There’s a difference,” between Go-Go Dancers and Strippers—the choice of euphemisms for their ‘whorish’ profession.

[THE CHECKLIST: 17 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Planet Terror 04

Photshop, Schmotoshop. I Got MS Paint.

*Interesting tid-bit, when told by Rodriguez that his character took out bin Laden, Bruce had this to say: “Who better?” This is why everybody loves Bruce Willis. Yippee-ki-yay, amen. Though it is never explained if Bruce in-turn gave himself his one million dollar reward…

The Mummy killcount

The Mummy (1999)

The Mummy

Starring Brendan Fraser

Watch video:

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Fraser kills 51

Total kills: 157

Discuss

The Mummy rights held by Universal Pictures.

Transformers!!! michael bay Rapes My Eyes.

Transformers 01

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Transformers (2007): Breakdown by Rantbo

michael bay sells almost 3 hours of advertisement space in an action movie, which is actually a [Er-ERR-Eee-ERR] teen sex comedy in disguise.

[THE EXECUTION]

The story goes a little something like this:

A horny teenager named Sam is trying really, REALLY hard to stick his penis in an oblivious twenty-something year-old named Mikaela. Meanwhile, in Iraq, live action Duke from the G.I. Joe cartoon and Tyrese from 2F2F are busy trying to make a phone call and are troubled by a comedically annoying Indian man. Meanwhile, in Washington D.C., our Midnight Cowboy defense secretary is busy assembling a crack squad of college hipsters to decipher an 80s sound effect. Meanwhile, back at Sam’s pad, Dad is busy bitching about  his lawn, while Mom stands around being a fucking idiot. Meanwhile, back in D.C., the hottest hipster reveals herself as a masochist, by willfully visiting fat-black stereotype ‘actor’, Anthony Anderson. Meanwhile, actor John Turturro waits on the sidelines for the feature length mark to cash in his credibility, presumably for no other reason than to have the novel footage of his soul leaving his body. You know, to break out at parties and shit.

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Oh, yeah. There’s also a small sub-plot dealing with robots from space trying to find some kind of mystical cube, whose power to shrink itself into a smaller cube could destroy the universe. Or something like that.

Simply put, I HATED TRANSFORMERS. In my opinion, it’s The Worst Movie Ever Made. Click the link for affirmation.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Transformers 04

Shia LaBeouf is Sam Witwicky

If you consider whining, crying, complaining, nonstop constant babbling and sex obsession to be badass, well then Sam’s your man. But, the way I see it, Witwicky is a fucking wussy. That’s part wimp and part pussy.

Sam spends the entire movie slingshotting unfunny jabber at everyone he meets, running away from any and all danger and consistently screaming “No, NO, nonononononono, No, NO, NO!!! BUMBLEBEE!!! Wahhhhhhh, NO!” The fact that they decided to make this dink the hero as opposed to Optimus Prime, or even that G.I. douche is beyond my realm of understanding.

[THE BODY COUNT: 10 SOUNDS GOOD]

Not really sure. I know for certain that Black Stereotype Bot dies, and I think one or two of the evil bots get sent to that giant compactor in the sky. And as for the humans, I’m pretty sure a handful of  soldiers were killed when the scorpion bot thing was attacking them for no reason. So, how about we call it 10. I’ll say 10. If you happen to own the movie—kill yourself, but before you do, feel free to correct me.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

That one guy that was stabbed through the torso by the scorpion bot thingy was almost cool.

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I say almost, as it’s pretty weird how being impaled by a large fork shaped object yields no blood, especially when shaken around like a maraca. But it’s the best this film delivers.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Tyrese is here, and of course he’s gay as a shit-slicked dildo. Though this time he’s ‘Army Gay’, not ‘Miami Gay’, so he has to try and act not gay to avoid inadvertently convincing the other jarheads to come out of the closet and subsequently ruin their marriages to all the 17 year old prom queens giving birth to the next generation of cannon-fodder back home.

Transformers 06

“…You Silly Goose!”

At one point Tyrese’s boyfriend, G.I. Duke, is in need of a credit card and even though scorpion bot thingy is walking back and forth blowing up the sand around them, he decides to play coy and has Dukey try and fish it out of his ass-cheek pockets. Duke fumbles around back there, for just about 3 minutes too long, before Tyrese informs him it’s padding his “LEFT CHEEK, LEFT CHEEK, LEFT CHEEK!”. Barking the order to bring him home like a sex-starved auctioneer.

Other than that, the film does feature 2 separate occurrences of male characters pissing on other male characters. Which just can’t be straight.

Also, there seems to be no evidence of female transformers. And since they all have crotches that function similar to Urth mammals (dead giveaway with the urination) they must have sex right? So—I have a theory. What if the terms Autobots and Decepticons are really slang for Male and Female. And since this is a michael bay movie and the Decepticons are all whiny, controlling bitches, they MUST be the women! Which means this whole war is ACTUALLY a battle of the sexes! And the cube must be their communal property that a court deemed into the care of a foster planet, Earth! It all makes sense now!

But, even if you choose not to agree with my hypothesis, it dosen’t matter as there’s still no proof to support that “Transfemers” exist. Leaving me to assume that Cybertron is Cybergay.

[HOW michael bay VIEWS WOMEN]

Transformers 07

The Four Categories Of Women For A Typical bay Movie

Old Cunts: 61+ black, cranky, obnoxious, bitter old hags.
Reason for Existence: Bitching and screaming.
Portrayed In This Movie By: Bernie Mac’s Mom and Anthony Anderson’s Grandma.

Gaping Cunts:
31-60 stupid, submissive, suburbanite broodmares for the state.
Reason for Existence:  Embarrassment, comic relief and sack lunches.
Portrayed  In This Movie By: Sam’s Mom

Borderline Acceptable Cunts: 25-30 moderately attractive placeholders.
Reason for Existence: Objectification and eventual child rearing. A suitable supplement for eye-raping while at work or while located too far from a high school.
Portrayed In This Movie By: Aussie Hipster

Hot Oblivious Cunts:
15-24 young, dumb and in need of douche-infused cum.
Reason for Existence: Eye candy. Tits, plump glossy lips and golden, oiled abdomens.
Portrayed In This Movie By: Megan Fox

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

As it’s a bay movie, I’ll have to go with the negative definition of Epic. You know, the fail side. And this film has a doozy.

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Before this, the film had only managed to climb the nether regions of Scatological Mountain. But with one giant ‘BOING!’ and a heavy stream of vitamin fortified robot piss, bay officially staked a giant cock-shaped flag on the peak. With an eternal flame shooting out of the business end of it.

While this wasn’t the lowest possible denominator (ex. Camaro didn’t brick in Tutorro’s mouth), it’s so fucking close, that even if I had loved bay before it rained golden space urine, I don’t think I could have forgiven him.

As for the one-liner:

Transformers 08

It pretty much sums up the whole film in two perfect, deep voiced syllables.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

michael bay is killing BadAss Cinema.

Transformers 02

[THE CHECKLIST: 18 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack*
[  ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)*
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel [Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

*I’m counting the golden showers.

** Seeing as how there is 18 or so of them, I’m sure at least one did.

Transformers 10

I’d Cry To, If That Was The Only Thing Interesting About Me.

Aliens: A Facehugging Love Story

Aliens This Time It's War

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Aliens [Director’s Cut](1986): Breakdown by Kain424

A team of tough-as-nails Space Marines head to a colony that’s been wiped out due to space aliens.  Awesome ensues.

[THE EXECUTION]

Alien was a landmark in film, successfully combining science fiction ideas with horror and monster movie conventions, it still holds up today as a masterpiece.  So how does one follow that act?  They turn it into an Action movie.

Aliens12

Fresh off the success of The Terminator, James Cameron quickly became a hot commodity.  He wrote the screenplay for Rambo: First Blood Part II and the sequel to Alien.  Soon enough, Cameron was put in the director’s chair, and damn it did he deliver.

Aliens brings together a group of bad-asses and thrusts them into a situation where all their awesome expertise means next to nothing.  With our protagonist, Ellen Ripley, we go from being completely comfortable and safe in the company of the marines, to being outmatched, claustrophobic and frightened in the same company.  The aliens this time around aren’t the monster looming in the shadows, but the screeching hordes outside the door.  Cameron uses the safety in numbers principle against itself, showing that a lone little girl is probably more safe than the company of men armed to the teeth.

Alines1

The movie is beautifully shot, and the action is as suspenseful as it is fast-paced.  Cameron makes full use of James Horner’s score to up the ante, making every moment interesting.  The aliens themselves are almost never seen, even while getting slain.  Somehow, Cameron makes it all work.  Many people consider this to be the greatest sequel ever made, and it’s certainly worthy of such acumen, having little to no faults.

While the first film was metaphorically about a giant black space-cock chasing the vulnerable around tiny corridors, Aliens chooses to go a different route.  This one is less about dicks and more about chicks.  Chicks and families.  Any person or character without the best interests of the group in mind is immediately killed or punished in some way.  Ripley’s recently found out that during her hypersleep, her daughter has aged and died.  Now she not only has a chance at gaining a new daughter, but also a possible candidate for a husband.  And the focus from the aliens has shifted from cocks to cunts, as now the characters are being dragged away and held against their will while a vagina with lobster legs forces itself onto their faces.  Now the vaginas impregnate them!  It’s a scary thought.

Aliens Guns

With more attitude than the toughest juvenile detention center our characters are fortunately all “absolutely bad-ass.”  Toting giant guns that extend from their crotches, representing the mighty force of Earth’s metaphorical dick. The power of oppression boiling from within to be unleashed on threat of alien femininity and the potential pussification of the universe. The battle of which these two opposing forces rage is surely one for the record books, as win or lose, these men, women and alien’s trials make for one truly kick ass ride and one of the greatest action films ever made.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

“I’m ready, man, check it out. I am the ultimate bad-ass! State of the bad-ass art! You do not want to fuck with me! Check it out! Hey Ripley, don’t worry. Me and my squad of ultimate badasses will protect you! Check it out! Independently targeting particle beam phalanx. Whoa! Fry half a city with this puppy. We got tactical smart missiles, phase-plasma pulse rifles, RPGs, we got sonic electronic ball breakers! We got nukes, we got knives, sharp sticks…”

Ripley

Sigourney Weaver is Ellen Ripley

Weaver pulls a Linda Hamilton from Terminator 2: Judgement Day and returns as an utter bad-ass woman.  She is steely, determined, and forthright.  All this while still managing to allow her character some vulnerability, Weaver makes Ripley all the more human and realistic.  She is a character we can all relate to and feel for, having been fucked over by her employers after surviving the first film, she is now just trying to move on with her life, but the fear and empathy she has for those getting into a situation, like she’s endured, overcome her.

Hicks

Michael Biehn is Corporal Dwayne Hicks

Hicks is similar to Biehn’s character of Kyle Reese from The Terminator, but perhaps a bit more hard-edged and mature.  He’s a man on his own but remains in a group.  His quiet cool sensibilities stand out among the aggressive sort with which he belongs and keep his mind in check during tense situations.  Hicks is a quick thinker who seemingly always has a back-up plan. Also, he fucking SLEEPS through the scariest shit-your-pants drop-ship atmosphere entry sequence ever performed.

Bishop

Lance Henrickson is Bishop

The Space Marines’ science officer and friendly android.  Less a character than a statement on our dependence on technology, he is the essence of robotic reassurance. Plus, he can take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’.

Vasquez

Jenette Goldstein is Private Vasquez

Vasquez is THE tough-ass female member of the marines.  She has more balls than most of the men, and may or may not have feelings for Pvt. Drake. On second thought, no way. She’s a total dyke. I mean, has to be, right? Yeah.

Hudson

Bill Paxton is Private Hudson

He is the loud-mouth of the group.  A tendency toward joking around and a slightly disobedient behavior-streak makes him a bit of a hardcase as well. An emotional roller-coaster, his level of badassitude seems prevalent on the intensity of whatever potential freak-out hill he is climbing.

[THE BODY COUNT: 170]

Just Bodies

The entire colony of Hadley’s Hope dies off, save for one person.  After that, there are 13 deaths onscreen and a shit ton of aliens killed.  We get explosions, fire, gunshot, exposure to acid blood, and even death from being clawed apart.  Of course, there are also the obligatory chestbursting sequences.  It’s as gruesome as it is fun.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Burke sucks face

Burke.  Who doesn’t hate this guy?  Played to smarmy perfection by Paul Reiser, he is a bureaucratic, backstabbing sleazeball.  After betraying our main characters for the last time, he finally gets the xenomorph kiss of death he so justly deserves.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Despite the story following a group of marines, there isn’t very much gayness to proceedings outside the wake-up scene where they all climb out of their sleep pods dressed only in their undergarments.  A short-haired Sigourney Weaver and Jenette Goldstein as Vasquez may cause you to have conflicted sexual feelings, but that about wraps it up.

Aliens2

This is an 80s Action flick that dares to hint at a love story.  Oh well.  That’s Cameron for ya.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Put Her In Charge

One thing Aliens lacks in is sexist stereotypes.  Taking place well in the future, this only makes sense.  Still, it’s worth mentioning all the strong female roles in the movie.  From Vasquez to Ripley to Newt, we have chicks who seem at times to be even tougher than their male counterparts.  Something could be said for having the lead antagonist a female, but she’s actually in charge of the show.  And how many times are chicks the primary villains anyhow?  Chalk this one up in the remarkably progressive 80s Action film category.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

I’m gonna cheat a bit here, as the film’s epic moment also contains a one-liner.

All seems lost, as the Queen Alien has boarded the Sulaco, Ripley off hiding somewhere, Newt being chased about, Bishop having been torn in half, and Hicks out of commission.  Suddenly Ripley appears in the power loader, a mechanized guardian angel.  She takes a few steps forward, stares down the monster going after her surrogate daughter and sneers…

GAFHYB

“Get away from her, you BITCH!”

Great though that is, as I said before, I’m cheating.  My favorite line is from Hicks.  After being issued an order to turn in their bullets, with their guns now useless, Michael Biehn pulls out an old-fashioned (this film takes place in the future, remember) pump-action shotgun.  In a film titled Aliens, the line he says next is almost breaking-the-fourth-wall-clever.  It’s certainly cool.

Close Encounters

“I like to keep this handyfor close encounters.[CLACK-CLACK!]”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Corporations are soulless and evil and all that’s important in life is family.

[THE CHECKLIST: 16 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel [Alien 3]
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

Game Over

“Game Over, Man. Game Over.”

Aliens (1986) © Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation and 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment

Petty Men And Female Cops

IWS1

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

The Inspector Wears Skirts (1988) a.k.a. Bong Wong Fa: Breakdown by Kain424

An elite team of female operatives are trained by Sibelle Hu and Cynthia Rothrock in this Kung Fu comedy adventure.

[THE EXECUTION]

This is one of those films with an interesting concept handled in the most immature manner possible.  Of course, this is to be expected from Action movie misogynist Jackie Chan, who produced the movie.  What is essentially an Action film for and about women, becomes a comedy/love story about the goofy attempts of women struggling to become as good as their male counterparts.

IWS6

It doesn’t completely blow it’s premise the way other films like Yes, Madam do, but the damage is done.  Ironically, however, in doing so, the film makers make men out to be pitifully petty.  In fact, all of the male characters are shown to be superficial, inadequate assholes afraid of losing their place in society.  In doing so, the makers of the movie have accomplished exactly the opposite goal the film seems to aspire towards making.

Aside from the sexist attempts at humor (which all pretty much fall flat), there are some great comedic moments which work for the movie. Cynthia Rothrock has one very memorable scene that had me laughing pretty well.   The Action is violent, quick, and well-performed.  In fact, if one were to excise most of the romance sub-plots and sexist humor, what would be left over might be considered a very concise-if not short-Action flick.

IWS9

Because the movie is about the military, we get a lot of shots of the women in lines, being yelled at and whatnot.  This is done to quench our brain’s need for order in a film that skips haphazardly from one genre to another.  It would probably get old, but they manage to make it work somehow.  This, of course, when they aren’t feeding us endless montages.

While most movies at least attempt to throw in training montages to bypass extraneous plot details, The Inspector Wears Skirts aspires to become one long training montage itself.  Seriously, this movie rivals Rocky IV‘s epic montage sequences; if not in quality, than certainly in length.  The music is certainly very 80s and I naturally enjoyed it all, though I questioned the necessity of the impromptu musical sequence that took place in the middle of an already overlong rollerskating scene.

IWS7

Hardcore fans of Rothrock will be a bit disappointed the movie hardly features her, and only a huge fan of Asian cop/romance/kung fu movies (there are sequels, so there must be similar films) should check this one out.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

IWS2

Sibelle Yu is Madam Wu

Hu has the unenviable job of playing a stringent bitch for much of the film.  Her personality hidden under a tolerating smirk (when she allows herself to smile, that is), unless in the presence of Rothrock’s character.  Still, she sets a fairly positive example, being strong willed, resourceful, clever, and an excellent fighter.

IWS8

She looks pretty good in a uniform, too.

IWS4

Cynthia Rothrock is Madam Lo

Carrying around a gun almost as big as she is, Rothrock plays the role in typical fashion: a complete ass-kicker with skills in every martial art.  The movie misses her absence, and this is despite the fact that she shows about the same amount of warmth as her co-star.

IWS12

Still, she pretties it up in this one and does what she can to teach the other girls the art of ass-kickery.

[THE BODY COUNT: 20]

With two main shoot-outs contained in the film, we manage to get a fairly clean score, averaging 10 deaths in each.  Rothrock scores 2 out of the 20, but considering she’s not nearly as prominently featured as Sibelle Hu, I’d say it works out well enough.  Aside from the usual gunshot victims, we have death from grenade blasts, severe beatings, and several slashed throats.  You know, a comedy.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

A ninja pulls the pin on a grenade, thinking his foes will leave him at a safe distance.  Rothrock and Hu instead tie him to cables and a telephone pole, using their combined weight to take him to a high and safe distance where he explodes in a hilariously violent manner.  Because it’s a comedy.

IWS5

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

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[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

IWS10

As I said above, the film essentially sabotages its own sexist message, ironically making men out to look like weak-minded assholes, ignorant of their own hypocrisy and nigh irredeemable.  And though there are characters that freely admit men are physically stronger than women, it is women that win the majority of the fights featured.  The fact that I even flinched a bit during a man vs. woman demonstration scene shows that I have a long ways to go myself before I can accept seeing women in fight scenes of equivalent violence as men.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Cynthial Rothrock’s character, Madam Lo, is teaching the girls to run faster so she covers the track with gasoline and lights it afire.  The girls have to outrun the fire and after nearly being burned alive and panting for breath, they stare fearfully at their instructor, who only says the following:

Madam Lo: “I bet you’ve never run so fast all your life… Excellent.”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Women would rule the world if they could all work together because men are base, petty, manipulative and ignorant.

[Rothrock’s Rules: 1 outta 3]

[X] Asian Background (lived there or speaks the language)
[  ] Bowstaff
[  ] Performs Scorpion Kick

[THE CHECKLIST: 14 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[  ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel [The Inspector Wears Skirts 2]
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

IWS3

Spot The Ninja (seriously, there’s one in there)

BloodStayne

BloodRayne 01

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

BloodRayne (2005): Breakdown by Rantbo

Kristanna Loken ruins her career, Elizabeth Berkley style, as a blood(and just plain old)sucking dhampir.

[THE EXECUTION]

Though the plot is pretty high-concept, I’ll do my best to explain. Rayne is a globe-trotting dhampir (child of a vampire and a human—think BLADE, with tits) in search for her father. It’s the 1930s and an enigmatic organization calling themselves the Brimstone Society, has recruited her to help rid the world of vampires. More specifically, Nazi vampires. Oh, and Rayne is a smoking hot lesbian. I forgot to mention this. SO! Sounds pretty fucking badass, right!? Too bad this is the plot description for the GAME, and the MOVIE didn’t bother to follow it.

Apparently the movie is a prequel, that acts as an origin story and re-imagines the through-line of the games of Rayne finding and killing her vampire father. Taking place, I don’t fucking know when, but it doesn’t really matter as they essentially fucked up the whole mythology of the character with a convoluted series of flashbacks, poorly orchestrated plot developments and the addition of Michelle Rodriguez playing British Accent(?) Michelle Rodriguez.

BloodRayne 02

Well done, gentlemen.

The whole movie looks like an over-the-top SCA festival, hosted by a slew of C-List actors and a special appearance by Ben Kingsley. Whom only the wisest can assume, is doing so as a favor to a mentally-ill relative, or for some make-a-wish foundation.  So, it clearly has within it a so-bad-it’s-good liability factor, when taken at face value, but then I remembered this is the third picture in a row by director Uwe Boll to suck a blood-engorged knob, and it kinda made me pissed. And I wasn’t the only one. Thus, Boll’s legend of being the modern-day Ed Wood has been solidified.

I usually pride myself on finding enjoyment in films that most would deem shite, but this time I have to agree with the masses. BLOODRAYNE is plagued by non-stop awful flashbacks, butchered accents, bargain-bin dialogue and pathetically bad plot exposition sequences. Though this is all bad news, the film is not without a couple of redeeming factors. For one, Boll delivers the blood. Gallons of it. Every death is a macabre masterpiece. The problem is, you have to watch the clunky and badly choreographed action sequences leading up to them, or just check out my highlights pic:

BloodRayne 03

Second, the sets are really detailed and even though it’s easy to tell many of them were constructed for the purposes of a movie, if you look at it as though you were watching a play, they’re not too shabby. And the sweeping helicopter shots of the European countryside are gorgeous. Though, admittedly, it’s pretty hard to fuck those up.

BloodRayne 04

Let me reverse gears a second here and go back  to watching BLOODRAYNE as though it were a play… The more I think about this mindset, the better this film seems in retrospect. I think most people have seen a stage performance at some point or another in their lives that was laughably bad. Be it at a school, performed by children, or in a park, performed by hippies. And I think most would admit that there’s a certain charm to watching otherwise completely unlikable people, make fools of themselves in an affair, well below (Kingsley, Madsen), or above (Everyone Else) their level of ability. And if viewed in this way, BLOODRAYNE doesn’t seem like so much of a failure. Sure, it’s still an ass-sandwich, but at least the lettuce (I.E. novelty) is crisp enough to offset the mushy, stench-emitting shit festering beneath it.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

BloodRayne 05

Kristanna Loken is Rayne

Her look is close, but I can’t help but think with her saggy, ill-fitting pants that Kristanna had herself a rear-collision with craft services (shit her pants). And it’s clear that they spent almost an entire afternoon bestowing upon Loken, the skills and training necessary to look fluid and natural in wielding Rayne’s foolish-looking weapons of choice (can’t fight for shit). These observations combined, make for one truly silly looking and sloppy portrayal of a would be kicker of ass.

While I would have never expected the level of high-flying, inhuman acrobatics displayed in the game, as they would come off as terribly goofy on the film medium, I did however expect a certain degree of competence and style to be transferred and this is why I guess I’ll never be happy. I always expect too much. It was foolish of me after seeing HOUSE OF THE DEAD and ALONE IN THE DARK to think that Boll would give a flying-fuck about character accuracy or fan-service. The man simply couldn’t care less. And it is for his short-comings and apathetic approach to the subject matter that I blame the failure of badassitude in Movie Rayne.  And I would feel bad for Kristanna, but I’m still pissed about T3, so fuck her, too. In closing, I imagine that you’d have to try pretty hard to fuck up something as incredibly fan-servicingly appealing as a hot, red-headed, large-chested, leather-suited, blood-sucking, lesbian, vampire Nazi slaying, immortal, ass-kicking Dhampir—BUT, they did.

[THE BODY COUNT: 90ish]

If ever there is a single valid redeeming factor for BLOODRAYNE, it’s here. When the kill count of a film gets close to 100, it’s pretty hard to make the task of watching it unbearable, and as such here, it’s the saving grace. Rayne herself kills 20+ menpires and her colleagues at the Brimstone Society whack another 35 or so. The rest is a combination of the bad guys and a monastery full of battle-monks that get ran through the proverbial meat-grinder. And I’d say half of the total count are shown in brutal detail, with geysers of blood and severed limbs. So that was nice.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

BloodRayne 06

My only complaint is that it took too damn long to happen.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Nothing overt. Most of the men do sport 70s style metal hair and wear dainty dress shirts which expose more than a fair share of their chests, but they all seem too preoccupied with trying to mask their shame for participating in this mess to grope one another.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

BloodRayne 07

Who better to have a stable of ACTUAL Bulgarian whores (seriously, Uwe Boll hired real ones) than acclaimed metal god Meat Loaf? It appears as though he would indeed do anything for love—including appearing in a Uwe Boll film. So, Meat resides in a cathedral turned vampire bordello, where he apparently spends his days re-enacting the most decadent and sinful activities of Ancient Rome binge and purge sex parties. And subsequently, it’s the best part of the film.

Then there’s the ‘love-making’ scene. Reminiscent of the ‘Pool Scene’ from SHOWGIRLS, Boll puts his spin on the out-of-place, unnecessarily goofy fuck sequence, by having Rayne all but force herself on one of the Brimstone soldiers. Made token by the fact that SHE bangs HIM against the outside of her prison cell, with one hand grasping the bar of the unlocked door, which pulls open and shut with every animalistic thrust, giving us the pleasure of hearing a loud ‘CLANG!’ every time they go balls-deep. But, you do get to see Loken’s tits, which is more than I can say for T3 (don’t dispute me). So, with that and the novelty of how unintentionally funny the scene comes off, it’s a titty-licking good time.

BloodRayne 08

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

EP-M: WTF?

Alright, so, the story is over. Clearly, it’s over. Kingsley is dead, Madsen is dead—everybody but Rayne is fucking dead, OK? Finished with her quest, Rayne sits in Kingsley’s chair, stares into the fourth wall, the scene fades to black and just when you think the credits will role—they don’t. Instead the camera zooms into her eye and in a slow-motion montage, we are re-shown all the gore-gags from the entire film… And it lasts almost 3 ½ minutes. Then it goes back to her face, THEN she leaves the castle on horseback, THEN credits. I—I just don’t—Yeah, I don’t know—I… wow, OK. Rub our face in how we just wasted our time, why don’t you?

BloodRayne 09

THE LINE:

Kingsley [to Rayne]: Ungrateful bitch.

Proving how lame this movie was, that was the best I heard.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

I can safely say, nobody learned ANYTHING from this movie. I myself feel dumber having watched it. And it gets worse—Boll made a sequel.

[THE CHECKLIST: 13 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse/Castle
[  ] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel [BloodRayne II: Deliverance]
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

BloodRayne 10

BloodRayne (2005) © Vierte Boll Kino Beteiligungs-GmbH & Co. KG and Universal Home Entertainment

From Tarantino Till Rodriguez

FDTD 01

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996): Breakdown by Rantbo

Criminals rob, kill, rape, kidnap and escape to a Mexican strip-club, where—SURPRISE! There’s Vampires.

[THE EXECUTION]

FDTD 02

“OK vampire killers, lets kill some fuckin’ vampires!”

In the mid-nineties, it was harder to get more cool than a Tarantino or Rodriguez joint, so when the two backlot rebels decided to join forces on a full length feature, it was an event not to be missed. Especially when the flick in question is a exploitative 70s horror homage film about two bank robbing brothers that kidnap Harvey Keitel and his family to skirt across the U.S.-Mexico border for a rendezvous at a bar called the Titty Twister. Which, happens to be occupied by a coven of bloodthirsty Mexican strippers.

FDTD 03

A documentary was made covering the making of the film titled FULL TILT BOOGIE and it’s not just a clever name. FDTD takes not just one fan favorite genre and cranks the level of aggressive excitement, it does a switch-up half-way through and pounds out a separate one in a hyperactive booze and blood ridden breakdown of everything that seemed lucid and sane not ten minutes prior.

Though the switch is clever, unexpected and fun, I still can’t help but deep down despise it as I would have been more than happy to simply see how the story of these two rag-tag families played out had the supernatural satanic cocksuckers decided not to feast this particular night. Which shouldn’t be seen so much as a complaint, but rather a compliment to how compelling the root story is, which was a simple, yet stylish tale of two outlaws on the run.

The twist isn’t all disappointing, however, as two more legendary B-Movie icons join in the fray and add an ample shot of badass to the surviving wild bunch. Fred ‘The Hammer’ Williamson plays a disgruntled Vietnam vet named Frost, and make-up effects guru Tom Savini plays a cheeky biker named Sex Machine.

FDTD 04

So, as much as I love the first half of the film, the trade off into the twilight zone isn’t anything I can scoff at too loudly. The only real complaint I have is that the movie seemed to try a little too hard to be cool and as such just felt abrasive and rushed. In two area’s specifically. One,  though much of the dialogue is as hip, retro and cool as the Fonz, some of the lines just fall flat into the groan-zone. Example:

Santanico: “Welcome to slavery.” Seth: “No thanks, I already had a wife. [BANG!]” Groan.

Vampire Chet: “You know what everybody says about me, eh? I suck!” Crickets.

And two, some of the monster effect gags seemed too over-the-top, ill-explained and unnecessary. Example: When Vampire Sex Machine gets his head ripped off (spoiler), his neck grows a giant mutant rat head and his body changes accordingly. Fuckin’ why? Sure, this sounds pretty cool when you read it, but when watching, even within the context of this wacky story, it seems really What-The-Fuck?ish.

When broken down, I’d give the first half of the movie a 10 outta 10. It’s fresh, witty, violently stylish and cool as a pair of aviator sunglasses. And I’d give the second half a 6 outta 10. Great cast, awesome effects, bitchin’ music, sexy hoes, Danny Trejo—but I can’t get over how forced the product felt from the imposed need to constantly one-up itself with needless and overbearing camp zaniness. The fact that vampires exist in this world was enough, I didn’t need the giant rat, gas-powered stake-drill, or the makeshift musical instruments made out of human corpses. So all-in-all, the flick falls somewhere in-between the aforementioned scores.  Not amazing as it could have been, but still really fucking entertaining.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

George Clooney & Quentin Tarantino are The Gecko Brothers

FDTD 05

A Couple Of Real Mean Motor-Scooters

Seth Gecko:
Before Clooney became the pussy-moistening Oscar winning heart-throb, he was known to men as that BAMF from FDTD.

“I am a professional fucking thief, I don’t kill people that I don’t have to. AND I don’t fucking rape women!”

In short, he may be a bastard, but he’s not a fucking bastard. Sporting a classic black blazer and a sleeve of stylish black ink, Seth became the go-to model for mid-90s badass, inspiring many a copied tattoo and catch phrase. With one foot always over the razor’s edge of acceptable social interaction, Seth manages to retain just enough self control and rationality to make you root for him when the trucker blood hit’s the fan. Hardcore and aggressively violent to say the least, he’s the driving force behind this fucker, keeping a steady stream of badass vibes reverberating out of the screen and into the front seat of your pants.

And the fact that he never got his own spin-off movie is a criminal act far greater than any committed within the character’s prime.

Richard Gecko:
Every bit as criminally insane as his big-bro, plus the added character defining traits of child-like stupidity and psychotic delusions, Richie the Rapist was a little harder to get behind. Though, and I’m not sure quite what it is, there’s something about Tarantino portraying a creepy loud mouth outcast, obsessed with feet and violence that just feels right. And even though Richie is the bane of his easy to like brother, a whiner and compete fucking psycho—I can’t help but like him. There is a moment in the film when, shortly after grabbing a table at the Titty Twister, Richie leans over to the teenage boy they have taken hostage and tells him anytime he wants a lap dance, to just let him know.

Richie is like that Uncle that doesn’t get invited to the family get-togethers, because even though he’s entertaining and polite, there’s that off-chance you’ll find him playing shirtless show and tell in the basement with the children. And who can afford a child psychiatrist these days?

[THE BODY COUNT: 75]

FDTD 06

Between the bikers, vampires and main characters, I’d estimate around 75. Which is a pretty high number, and made even more impressive when considering the plethora of novelty deaths. People are shot, stabbed and decapitated. And vampires are shot, stabbed, decapitated, cross bowed, liquefied, burned, impaled, jack hammered and one has his heart ripped out of his chest…

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]

Get the Flash Player to see this content.

Copyright: Miramax Films & Dimension Home Video

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

“So, what’s the story with you two—ya a couple of fags?”

Very little. The only thing I can really come up with is that for some reason Fred Williamson is more interested in stacking dominoes than looking at Salma Hayek’s perfectly formed ass.

FDTD 07

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

“All right, pussy, pussy, pussy! Come on in, pussy lovers. Here at da Titty Twister, we’re slashin’ pussy in half. Give us an offer on our best selection of pussy. This is a pussy blowout! All right, we got white pussy, black pussy, Spanish pussy, yellow pussy. We got hot pussy, cold pussy. We got wet pussy. We got smelly pussy. We got hairy pussy, bloody pussy. We got snappin’ pussy. We got silk pussy, velvet pussy, “Nalgahyde pussy. We even got horse pussy, dog pussy, chicken pussy. Come on, you want pussy. Come on in, pussy lovers. If we don’t got it, you don’t want it. Come on in, pussy lovers!”

FDTD 08

“Dinner is served.”

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Seth Has His Shit Together

Chet Pussy, the Titty Twister barker, attempts to stop The Gecko’s and their captives from entering the bar, but before he can even finish his objection, Seth breaks Chet’s finger, drops him with three punches to the face (breaking his nose) and without losing a beat, ushers his entourage into the establishment. But—it gets better.

Pumped after watching his brother act like a fucking psycho, Richie turns around and kicks Chet 4 times in the ribs while he’s down.

FDTD 09

“Hi! [Kick] How ya doin’? [Kick] Enjoying it? [Kick] I hope so! [Kick]”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

It doesn’t matter how crazy they are, psychos don’t explode when sunlight hits them.

[THE CHECKLIST: 12 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor” [The Hammer]
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack*
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[  ] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money]
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

*

FDTD 10

“Attention, pussy shoppers! Take advantage of our penny pussy sale. If you buy one piece of pussy at the regular price, you will get another piece of pussy of equal or lesser value for only a penny. Try and beat pussy for a penny.”

FDTD 11

For news on future Breakdowns and Killcounts, visit our updates page: The Meat Grinder

GUN: The Movie

E2000 01

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Equalizer 2000 [The Cut-To-Shit U.S. Version] (1986): Breakdown by Rantbo

The story of a gun, with a half-assed sub-plot about the asshole that fires it the most.

[THE EXECUTION]

“North Alaska—a hundred years after the nuclear winter. The dense nuclear waste that used to girdle the planet has been burned away by the blistering relentless sun. And what used to be a snow-bound earth, is nothing but a scorched and aired desert. The north slope is controlled by a military government, that calls itself the Ownership. The oil fields of Point Barrow, the source of its power—but a weather wind, is rising.”

E2000 02

The film opens with what ever the fuck that was supposed to mean and almost immediately afterward jumps to a spectacular casualty-free (well, almost) shootout sequence in the middle of the barren post-apocalyptic land of Alaska. Played by Eastern California. Wherever the true filming location, it’s a land free of grass, so you know mankind must have fucked mother nature in the crater, long and hard.

With no easily discernible narrative, I was left to assume that the main character of this art house classic, was this Chuck Norris-esque looking gay-wad named Slade. A lone badass caught between two warring factions of fascist Nazi douche-bags and Mountain Men dressed as Native Americans.

Best I can tell,  it’s up to Slade and a giant make-shift gun called the Equalizer 2000 to save a group of rebels lead by a female porn star and an aging drag-queen. For some reason there are also a fleet of soldiers dressed in spray-painted football gear, a tribe of rampaging Mexicans pretending to be Indians and Robert Patrick as an American Civil War vet… So, this movie has quite a bit going for it.

E2000 03

EQUALIZER 200 is essentially 75 minutes of people shooting machine guns into dirt and 1 minute of soft-core homoerotic porn. So, all-in-all, it’s not that bad. The title gun (I just realized that might be the only time I get to type that and have it be true) is truly a sight to behold, and lends itself well to long epic shots of the film’s hero hugging it to his bare chest, caressing it like a kitten and firing it as though it were an extension his dick.

What’s not to love about that? Also, the music and sound effects are surprisingly bad-fucking-ass, which is good as the whole movie involves nothing but shooting and driving around in cars, whilst shooting. I honestly believe the action score could give Contra a run-and-gun for it’s money. As for everything else— there isn’t. It’s just a bunch of sexually confused looking men shooting at one another and a big-chested bimbo strutting around for good measure. And I totally recommend it, I had a blast. Good luck finding a reasonably priced copy though, should you choose to pursue watching it.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

E2000 04

Richard Norton is Slade the Sand Chopper (Because It Sounds Cool, That’s Why!)

I’m struggling right now to remember if this guy even talked in the movie… I seem to remember him shouting “Shit!” at one point, but I think it was just a declarative statement about Norton’s predicament of trying to emote. But that would be snobbish of me to use against him. Slade is shirtless, muscley, looks kick-ass shooting a gun, rocks a bitchin’ beard and “acts” by staring blankly into the middle-distance. And for this movie, it’s more than I could have asked for.

E2000 05

Chunk of Plastic is Equalizer 2000

“We’ve come up against a formidable piece of iron. It’s a recombinant automatic, sitting on top of a portable cannon. It—it’ll stop anything.”

Look at that monster! This fucker has 6 barrels, count ‘em. The bottom two fire, what I believe to be shotgun shells. The lower-middle one grenades. The upper-middle is a machine gun. And the top two fire ky jelly and baby oil. And it never runs out of ammunition. Ever. If Equalizer had had legs, this movie wouldn’t have needed Norton at all.

[THE BODY COUNT: 100+]

Don’t let the high numbers fool ya, only 5 of the deaths actually featured squibs. However, I did appreciate that there were at least 7 men engulfed in flame at separate moments, running around punching their own heads trying to put the fire out. That was pretty sweet.  Slade himself gets in a satisfying 28ish, while the rest are up in the air. It’s nearly impossible trying to tell the warring sides apart, and with the exception of a couple key characters, it doesn’t matter anyways. Bang-Bang-Bang-Bang-Boom-Boom, men fall down, repeat.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Hasta La Vista, Deke

E2000 06

Robert Patrick takes an impressive 20+ bullets to the torso, a la Equalizer and is left smoking in the dirt.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Old Gay Guy: “We can’t hold, we’re gunna havta pull out!”
Slade: “Alright go! I’ll cover ya!”

Q. What’s gayer than a shirtless man?
A. A shirtless man in a leather vest.

Q. What’s gayer than a shirtless man in a leather vest?
A. Slather that same man in dudesweat and extra virgin olive oil and put him in a montage using power tools crafting a dildo attachment for his gun that he fondles like a little kid discovering his penis for the first time.

E2000 07

Then have him use it to eviscerate other gayly dressed men. Thus is EQUALIZER 2000.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Well, Tits-McGee (Corinne Wahl) isn’t exactly suited for acting outside of bargain-barrel grab-bag porn, so the fact that they cast her in a role involving dialogue outside of “Stick it in my tight pussy!” and “OHhhh, FUCK Yeah!” is nothing short of a full motion back-hand to the entire female species.

And, of course,  she gets kidnapped. As does the gun. Three guesses as to which one takes precedence. [Hint: It’s not the girl] Later, after Slade inadvertently saves her from being raped by Robert Patrick, she asks him why he came back to save her. And Slade just stares at her, completely befuddled. It’s never said, but made perfectly clear, saving the wench was a happenstance, as Slade was simply out to rescue Equalizer. After about 20 seconds of looking dumbfounded, he just grabs her and sits her on his lap. Taking this as a cue, she forgets about the question and kisses him. Whew! That was close!

And, it gets better. During the final assault, Tits rushes to Slade’s aid and in a half a second (no joke) is shot and presumably dies, because she is NEVER seen nor spoken of again. And this is the second lead character! She just drops out of frame and poof! Thanks for playing!

E2000 08

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Get the Flash Player to see this content.

Copyright: Concorde Pictures (Equalizer 2000)/Warner Brothers Pictures (Demolition Man)

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

The more BadAss the poster, the more horrifically ‘B’ the movie.

E2000 09

[THE CHECKLIST: 15 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor” [Richard Norton]
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are*
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[  ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

*It’s in reference to the gun, but I’ll count it.

E2000 10

How could they have this chick in their shitty B Sci-Fi movie and NOT have her show her tits?

She was a Penthouse Pet of the Year, for Christ sakes!