OneChanbara [Oh-Nay Chawn Bar-Uh][Tit-A's & Zomb-A's]

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

OneChanbara: The Movie (Big-Sister Sword-Fighting)(2008): Breakdown by Rantbo

Japanese pop-models fight off legions of kung-fu fighting zombies, with samurai swords and double-barrel shotguns—while wearing bikinis and leather catsuits. There is nothing about that sentence that I don’t like.

[THE EXECUTION]

Right away, the premise for this film sounds like pure win, but the devil is a lady in a red two-piece. Sure enough, 10 minutes in, it becomes a gamble as to whether or not this film will be so shitty it’s awesome, or so shitty it’s nearly unbearable. Turns out, unfortunately for me, it’s the latter.

After the initial pre-title action sequence, the film becomes a major let down as the plot caves in on itself like a wooden door in a zombie onslaught. To say it’s paper thin, would be giving the credit of Kevlar. Essentially the story is one of two sisters, and it’s about 99% the same as the backstory given to Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow in G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA.

Two siblings in a martial arts clan, are pitted against one another as young children and when one out performs the other and gets praise by the father for doing so, the other goes apeshit and kills the father. The two grow up, one becomes a silent stoic ass kicker and the other becomes even more of an asshole. And since this movie came out in 2008, it makes me wonder if the “writers” of JOE, happened across this “film” and lifted the idea. I’ll probably never know, but in believing that shit begets shit, I say it’s a definite possibility. The main difference of coarse, is that this film has bikinis and zombies, and JOE has Marlon Wayans. It’s a toss up as to which is more gimmicky and sad.

You may be wondering why these two are glowing and why their swords are spouting pink flames. And the answer is, this movie is Japanese. And it is for this reason, that I still hold some semblance of hope for the American Action film market. Because even though our blockbusters have become horrifically stupid, painfully childish and apathetically devoid of narrative and plot, they are still a small step ahead of nonsensical horse shit Asian splatter-fest genre films like ONECHANBARA.

G.I. JOE may be pointless, loud, embarrassing, racist, sexist, over-hyped, over-budgeted, shit-spewing garbage; but I can at least understand the reasons for not understanding it… It’s made for douche-bag assholes and children. Two groups of people I hate and gave up trying to figure out a long time ago.

As for the intended demographic of this movie—fuck if I know. I thought Japanese students were at least 50 spots higher than American students on the education-o-meter? Then again, I went to scool in the Younitd Stats. Nevertheless, how and why they make crap like this popular is a culture shock issue I don’t think I’ll ever understand. That and those used-panties vending machines… seriously—what the fuck, Japan? Don’t waste your time with this one. If you must get a fanboy boner, just rent, RENT (don’t buy) the videogame. At least then you can change their outfits and make them jiggle with your joysticks.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Eri Otoguro is Aya the Bikini Samurai Cowgirl

As a young girl she witnessed her sister aiding a group of evil men in brutally murdering her father, and has since spent her young adult life killing zombies in hopes of enacting revenge on said sister, who is partially behind the engineered outbreak. Or, something like that.

-Member of the Imichi Clan (whatever that is), she is a killer swordswoman.
-Cuts down dozens of Hot Topic hoodie wearing J-Pop super zombies.
-Deflects and dodges bullets with her sword and samurai reflexes, respectably.
-Wears a scarf, bikini, a cowboy hat and boots. (Never Explained, Why?)
-Is able to be showered in undead-emo blood, but never gets a spot on her. (Never Explained, Why?)
-Has the ability to shoot energy waves out of her sword, when she gets angry. (Never Explained, Why?)
-This evolves into being able to create a tornado. (Never Explained, How?)
-Magically gains the ability to emit pinkish-red flames from her body and sword in the final sequence. (Never Explained, Why?)
-Magically gains the ability to teleport in the final sequence. (Never Explained, Why?)
-And, she “never smiles”, ever. (Never Explained, LIE!)

[THE BODY COUNT: UM, A BUNCH]

And then some. As once again I find myself breaking down a fucking zombie movie, I have to re-state that I only count the first time a human dies. That said, I would estimate the movie’s body count somewhere in the neighborhood of 75. Give or take a dozen.

With the hyper-insane jump cutting and super-slow-mo light explosions, I would have had to go back and frame-by-frame this movie to get an accurate count. And fuck that noise. I’ll leave that task to someone who gives a shit. Let me know if that poor bastard happens to be you. Until then—75.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

I’ll go with Doctor Fucked-Up Teeth, who likes to kick little girls and turn them into zombies. He gets what he deserves when one of his pets tears his eyes out of their sockets and eats him alive. Fuck that asshole.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

I’ve always thought that Japanese boys haircut’s where kind of fruity, but I’d never tell that to their faces, as they always seem to be shouting and pulling out concealed blades on gaijins like me. But, since it is pretty rare to be stabbed in the balls with a butterfly knife over the internet—get a haircut, you sissies!  Yeah, that’s all I’ve got on this entry. Plus, I’m just jealous. I wish I had a thick head of Asian Elvis hair…

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Aside from the fact that the entire premise of this film (and the games) is horny, adolescent male fan service, there are only a couple of glaring scenes featured within that would give feminist movie critics the fuel for a nastier review than the one you’re reading right now.

The first being a nice little bit of survivor sex, in which the female of the couple bares her itty-bitties. Furthermore, after she gets used like a broodmare for the diminished human race, she is killed off by her zombiefied boyfriend and forced to roam the Earth as a topless walking corpse—at least for a couple minutes before getting shot in the head by one of the slayers. But, that’s what happens for taking your man’s mind off of survival, you filthy brain-eating bitch.

And then there is the small case of the aforementioned villainous scientist who keeps young schoolgirls chained to the floor of his dingy basement, that he beats unmercifully and performs biological experiments on. If you consider that demeaning to women, that is.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

I’ll go with Aya stabbing her sister through the midsection with her magic glowing samurai sword.

The only repercussion for her doing so, is that sis gets stronger and able to burst her body into blue flames of energy. It’s never explained, why? But, by this point, it really didn’t matter.

As for one liners, no such luck. Here is the best I found, spouted by the token bumbling fat-ass during the one moment in the film where he doesn’t cry out for a woman to come save him.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

You can, apparently, fuck up a movie about scantly-clad hot women that kill zombies with samurai swords and shotguns. I seriously wouldn’t have thought that possible before…

[THE CHECKLIST: 11 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[  ] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

I Hate To See Them Go…

Police Story 4: Snow Banks and Shark Tanks

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Police Story 4: First Strike a.k.a. Ging chaat goo si 4: Ji gaan daan yam mo (1996)(The Kain424 Cut: Which Combines The Original Hong Kong Cut With The Heavily Edited American One): Breakdown by Rantbo

Jackie Chan fights for America in his biggest action film to come out the month of February 1996.

[THE EXECUTION]

It appears as though after Super Cop Chan Ka Kui defeated the evil drug lord with the help of uber-hottie Michelle Yeoh in the last installment, he has climbed a few more steps up the law enforcement ladder and he is now an international globe-trotting anti-terrorist super spy, working for the American government. Naturally. It’s official, Jackie Chan is Asian Bond. Ching-Ching—Ching-CHONG, Ching-Ching CHONG! OK, that was racist, and I apologize.

Known in the States as…

The film was dumbed down and re-edited to the point that the American cut is nothing short of butchered. The odd thing is that even with everything put back in, this film books. And making even less sense, the sequences that have been the most tampered with, were the ones featuring Jackie’s fight choreography. Why would you want to cut out the very thing that makes a Jackie Chan Film, a Jackie Chan Film—Especially when you’re re-naming the film, JACKIE CHAN’S FIRST STRIKE!? What the fuck were they thinking? Of course, now that I own a restored cut (thanks to Kain) this bothers me less, but what a cluster fuck of insane bureaucratic distributor bullshit.

While this installment of the Police Story Series pales in comparison to the last, it’s still a pretty entertaining entry. Made ten years after the first film, it’s understandable that Jackie wanted to try some new things, but in doing so, they came dangerously close to making something completely unrecognizable as a Police Story film. For starters, like I mentioned above AND they mention within the film, this is a 007 picture, starring Jackie Chan. Great idea, but they already kind of did that with his Armour of God Series, so this begs the question, wasn’t the character of Chan Ka Kui good enough already to warrant future semi-believable scenarios that maintain the feel and look of the predecessors? I guess not.

It may seem that I am really taking the piss out of this flick, but like I said, it’s still very fun. The action sequences are once again top notch and Jackie really goes all out to make this one unique and thrilling in a way not seen before…

The snowy-mountain escape sequence that more or less opens the film, is arguably better than any of the similar scenes from the James Bond franchise. It’s that good.

Later on he fights a stunt team in a warehouse with a table, brooms, some dragon-head masks, staffs and a ladder. The fight is classic Jackie, while still being inspired, fresh and filled with “Whoa!” moments.

Then in his grand finale, Jackie has an underwater martial arts extravaganza, that rivals the climax of THUNDERBALL.

Which alone is worth the price of importing a region 3 copy. And if you want to see this sequence as it was intended, that’s exactly what you’ll have to do. This fight, above all else was massacred in the region one release. Bastards. So, order a copy, check it out and watch Jackie Bond kick ass across the world. And under the sea.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Jackie Chan is Chan—Ka Kui, Chan

“Wow, now I’m double-o seven.”
“This guy can move like a monkey!”

His forth time out as the staple Hong Kong inspector, Jackie makes sure to mix it up a bit, while still maintaining the aspects that make Chan such a great character. Namely, performing insane stunts, jumping around like a circus freak and kicking mass ass.

-Barrels down a snow covered mountain in street clothes, with his ass strapped to a snowboard, whilst being shot at by machine gunning skiers.
-Jumps off a cliff onto a helicopter. Lets go of the helicopter. Falls a hundred feet into a literally ice cold lake. Holds his breath under the Hoth cold water while being shot at. Half dead from hypothermia and exposure, he pulls himself out of the lake. And he survives,  without even the slightest bit of frostbite.
-Shows his naked ass, cock and balls to a bunch of old Australian women.
-Gets kicked through a sheet of glass by human giant, Nathan Jones (FEARLESS, TOM YUM GOONG)
-Jumps around the narrow ledges on the outside of a 12(at least) story building, without cables.
-Fights off a team of stuntmen with a ladder.
-Fights off 5 Russian hitmen underwater in a shark tank for 15 minutes, without his own air tank.
-Drives a sports car off a ramp onto a moving yacht.

[THE BODY COUNT: 30ish]

Chan reverts to being a non-lethal wiener, but seeing as how this is a Jackie Chan Bond homage, there are still plenty of Russians and Asian Stuntmen being slaughtered pointlessly. So, while this doesn’t come close to the macabre massacre of SUPER COP, there is still plenty of bullet-laden corpses strewn about the various locales, (so long as you have the uncut version, that is).

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

Chan vs. The KGB Mafia Hit-Squad

Chan fights off the communist hitmen to save the film’s annoying estrogen-emitting sidekick. And he does it—on stilts.

That’s a new one. The fights that follow aren’t particularly awe-inspiring, but it is a hellova lot of fun to watch Jackie kicking guys in the face and stepping on their chests with giant metal poles attached to his feet.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Well, it’s about time Chan showed his ass again. And I think he must have known how much we’ve been missing it, as before he delivers the moneyshot, he shows off his cute little koala-hammock underoos.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Chan: “I feel like James Bond, only I don’t have the gorgeous girls!”

Yeah, what the fuck? May—? Gone. Never mentioned. They didn’t even bother to give her one of those bullshit BOURNE SUPREMECY or ALIEN 3 killed in the first 10 minutes deaths. I guess being kidnapped for the 17th time and thrown out of a helicopter, face first onto a car was the last straw. Some chicks just don’t know how to stand by their man.

But, not all is lost as Chan meets a pretty little lady named Anne, who gets kidnapped and almost eaten by sharks. So, it’s nice that they remembered to cater to the fan’s of Jackie’s comedic misogyny, despite the absences of his punching bag (ex)girlfriend.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

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Copyright owned by Golden Harvest

[Hidden within what is assumed to be his father’s coffin, Tsui springs out to meet his adversary]
Gregor: “You even share the same coffin as your father.”

“The coffin is for you.”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

When brawling in an underwater tank filled with sharks, remember to remain calm.

[THE GIST OF JACKIE: 5 outta 5]

[X] Breaks Into Someplace Or Escapes By Way Of Acrobatics
[X] Has An Annoying Tag-Along Companion
[X] Makes The ‘OW!’ Face And/Or Rubs A Soar Spot
[X] Performs A Ridiculously Dangerous Stunt
[X] Uses A Random Object To Defend Himself

[THE CHECKLIST: 16 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[  ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[New Police Story]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

Dirty Mary Crazy Larry & Complacent Deke

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Dirty Mary Crazy Larry (1974): Breakdown by Rantbo

An asshole, a slut and a grease monkey get chased by cops. VROOM VROOM! SCREECH! CRASH!!!

[THE EXECUTION]

After seeing this film referenced in several Tarantino flicks, I broke down and decided to order myself a copy of the damn thing, if for nothing else than to be a more efficient and elitist movie snob.  And thankfully, my money was well spent. DMCL is a classic 70s carsploitation flick, and also one the best chase movies ever made.

The set up is short and sweet like Mary’s halter top.  A NASCAR washout and his disgraced drunkard mechanic decide the quickest way back into the business is to put together their own race car, with ‘barrowed’ money. The bitch Larry happened to shack up with the night before they rob a shopping mart, ends up along for the ride and the rest is one giant race against time and backwoods hick cops.

This film is a true gem of the genre. Every thing is shot at full speed, with real cars doing real stunts.

EVERYTHING! There isn’t a single miniature or special effects shot. What they filmed is what you see. That’s harder to find nowadays than someone willing to take a blow-job from Susan George. The film is just over an hour and a half long (the perfect Action movie length), and about an hour of that is spent on the road and driving hard. And while I’m not a fan of either of the title characters (it’s hard to root for a loudmouth ass and an even loudermouth whore), the third main character, Deke, makes up for the both of them in the few character development scenes featured within. In all the others, there are so many reckless stunts and cool crashes that I’d forget all together about the dickweeds behind the wheel. All-in-all, if you dig 70s car flicks, or chase movies in general, DIRTY MARY CRAZY LARRY is right on the top of the pileup. I highly recommend it.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Peter Fonda is Crazy Larry

“You know what it means when someone like me gets off to a bad start?—Not a god damn thing.”
An ex-NASCAR racer, turned shopping mart robber, Larry is a fucking jag-off. A selfish, egotistical, apathetic, showboating, gum-chewing white-trash butthole. What’s not to love? However, Larry is one hellova driver, and for this movie, that’s all that counts. It’s not cocky, when you back it up, as Kid Rock would say. And I could easily see him as Larry in a remake.

Susan George is Dirty Mary ‘Super Crotch’ Coombs

Mary is your classic 70s butterface. Well, almost. Aside from the fact that she could eat an apple through a picket fence, Susan does have some pretty eyes, when her smile isn’t fucking them up. But, before you start thinking that I’m just objectifying poor Mary, she is a self admitted groupie whore. She can, however, give as good as she gets, and not just sexually. Even though she is loose as a pocket full of change, not all of her brains have been fucked out by doped up rock stars. But, she’s still young.

Adam Roarke is Deke Sommers

If Alec Baldwin were a mechanic, he’d be Deke Sommers. Deke’s a standup guy. Easily the only likable one of this wild bunch. It’s revealed that he’s had his problems in the past with the sauce, but it’s also made clear that Deke is a fighter for change and women’s rights. Well, when he isn’t busy using them for leverage in a robbery, that is. But, even so, Roarke is the one to watch this for. His stoic quiet guy routine is all but a charade when the chance for chivalry presents itself. It’s just a shame he waits until the end of the film to become an anti-heroic contender.

[THE BODY COUNT: --]

As explaining who dies and how would be a crushing spoiler, I’ll just say it’s not high, but still pretty badass.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

‘69 Charger vs. Copper Chopper

Just when you think the Charger can’t get any more badass, someone has it razzle a fuckin’ helicopter.

Again, like I mentioned above, this is made 100% cooler than today’s films, by the fact that this was all done practically and in a lot of shots, with the real actors. Watching the definitive badass muscle car of the 60s and 70s, barreling down a stretch of road at 100+ miles per hour while a helicopter tries to cripple its hood and send it spinning into a grove of trees, makes for one of the best chase sequences ever put on celluloid. And this is just a couple minutes of the overall chase that encompasses almost the entire length of the film.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Larry and Deke hold a special kind of friendship, that manages to surpass drinking problems and women on the side.

These two have been through the circuit for each other numerous times, and I think it’s safe to say that they love one another, a little bit more than the average hetro male friendship laws will allow. They bicker and fight like a middle-aged couple on a 20 year anniversary road trip, bring up painful occurrences from the past as ammunition against each other, yet find constant ways to touch and comfort shortly after their bigger tiffs. That’s love for ya.

Then there’s this guy…

“Imma eat chore lunch, you long haired faggot!”

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Larry: “Every bone in her crotch—that’s what I’m gonna break.”

Larry insults, exploits and berates Mary on a non-stop basis. All of which, her loud-mouthed sassy ass deserved for being such an annoying floozy. But, then he takes it up a notch and shoves her to the ground.

Deke sets Larry straight, but the damage to female empowerment was dealt a mighty blow. You can own your sexuality all you want ladies, but don’t think for a second that a man can’t just throw your ass in the dirt if you get outta line. We’re still stronger.

Also, there is a small bit of blurred female nudity in the beginning when Deke invades the home of the shopping mart manager to hold his wife for insurance. And he finds her in the shower.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Larry is teasing (berating) Mary for the 10th time in as many minutes, and she finally has enough and attacks him with her bear trap grill. Having Mary’s snaggletooth chompers sink into his shoulder, understandably draws Larry’s attention away from the wheel and the three outlaws careen off the road, up and over a rock, through a fence, down a hill and through a second.

“So help me, if you try another stunt like that again…

I’m gonna braid your tits!”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

“Any town’s a nice little town, when you nail a broad.”

[THE CHECKLIST: 09 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[  ] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[  ] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

Beastmaster Dos: Through the Portal to the West Coast, Dude!

Beastmaster 2 - Through The Portal Of Time 01

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time (1991): Breakdown by Rantbo

Beastmaster travels through a portal not of time (as the title would have you believe), but of California State stock footage in order to save a bimbo and stop a brother he never knew he had from stealing a neutron detonator. Seriously.

[THE EXECUTION]

Since the fall of Rip Torn, Dar has been leading some rebels in a fight against tyranny and oppression, and getting sentenced to death for it—blah-blah-blah. The next thing we know, he’s hanging out in some marshlands when he meets the evil butt-baby of Swamp-Thing and Predator.

Turns out it’s his aunt. Duh, of course! And she informs Dar that he has an evil older brother that must be destroyed before the next equinox, or the world will come to an end. Then Swamp-Aunt walks off to die for no explained reason. And I didn’t leave anything out. That’s how the plot is delivered. Oh, and one other thing worth mentioning, this all has to go down in early 90s Los Angeles. I’m guessing because it was cheaper than filming the whole thing in the desert.

Marc Singer returns as the title beefcake, and he’s just as creepy and ill-suited for a lead role as he was 10 years prior. I’d almost feel sorry for the guy, but he brought this upon himself. He swings his sword and caws like a jackass in-between bouts of blank stares and poor dialogue, which reassures us that this is most definitely another Beastmaster flick.

However, the real star of this shit-bomb is the villain…

Arklon The Beastmaster’s Older Brother (Wings Hauser) is even more hysterical than his name already suggested he would be. The guy prances around in leather leggings and football shoulder pads zapping people with a combination glow-stick/sex-toy and praising himself in the third person. “He who defies Arklon, will be DESTROYED by Arklon!” Well said, Arklon. He has all the best lines and truly sets himself above the rest in actually making his intentional humorous jokes funny.

That said, this movie was fuck pie. An almost totally unwatchable shit storm of mediocre action and terrible story. It’s only watchable for those special few born with a sick sense of humor and a love for obscure ‘B’ action movies. So, I kind of dug it. It’s certainly funnier than part one, and quite a bit of it was intentional. I recommend watching this only if, like me, you enjoy your cheese smothered in gay and with a side order of Uncle Phil.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Marc Singer is Dar The Beastmaster 2

While he is still as ripped and tan as an 18 year old beach bum, Singer’s head looks like it was aged in a microwave. His hair is still fabulous though. And crimped. Yet, once again, it is Dar’s animal buddies that do all the difficult fighting. You could argue that he is willing them to do his bidding, but that’s bullshit as he constantly calls them “My friends!”, and this guy is way too thick headed to be using anyone, be it animal, mineral or vegetable. So, the real heroes are once again; his tiger, Ruh (who got a fur transplant since last we saw him) and the weasel-rats, Kodo and Podo. Yes, even though he is dead, Kodo wasn’t about to miss this craptasterpiece! Oh, and a hawk that looks nothing like the old one, fills in as Skreech or Skwa or whatever the fuck its name was. Continuity is overrated anyways.

Aside from avoiding all the really dangerous stuff, Dar does do some pretty impressive sword handling, that I’m sure he practiced really hard for the day of the shoot. And they even cut his scenes well enough to make it look like he was capable of harming someone other than himself. But in the end, it was too little too late to salvage any kind of badassitude. Dar is a dink.

Kari Wuhrer is Jackie Trent

And I seriously didn’t think her acting could have ever been worse than THE HITCHER II: I’VE BEEN WAITING. That’ll teach me for expecting more. You would think that do to her flawless good looks, she would be easy to like, but the filmmakers decided to make it a challenge. One not to be taken by the faint of rage. Picture, if you will, one of the female characters from the original 90210, trying to become a stand-up comedian. That’s pretty much Jackie. Her constant bad jokes don’t make her funny, but the fact that she thinks they do, make her a comedic genius, to an almost Andy Kaufman-esque degree. Annoying though she most definitely was, I still liked Jackie for this reason. And ‘cuz she’s more fuckable than an gym-sock on laundry day.

[THE BODY COUNT: SOMETHING LIKE 20]

Some of them are hard to tell, as the biggest death sequence occurs when a bunch of boulders (that are clearly made of something safe and non-threatening), are flying into and on top of a bunch of Middle-Eastern rebels. They act as though they are dying, but rocks don’t bounce off your body like dodge balls, so I have to assume that they were made poisonous to the touch with magic, or some other fantasy bullshit.

As for the rest, there are a few cool looking deaths by arrows and green laser blasts, but all-in-all this was a pretty disappointing venture after the plethora of carnage in part one. With the exception of the following two…

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

LASER CATS!

I’m a little bit torn between the guy that gets mauled to death by a tiger and the guy whose head is set on fire from a laser, sending him backwards off his horse.

Eh, it’s a tie.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

“My dear boy, where I come from, the only thing a virgin is good for—is sacrifice.”

Beastmaster traveling to L.A.—is about the gayest scenario imaginable. And he still spends his days frolicking around sand dunes with his animal companions in nothing but a few scraps of leather and a smile. But, oddly enough, this film isn’t even half as gay as the last. Dar doesn’t so much as grasp biceps with another man and he alone is half naked, as opposed to every man and child.

However, the final fight does occur in a flame encircled animal circus pit, complete with strobe-lights.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

To Reiterate, “My dear boy, where I come from, the only thing a virgin is good for—is sacrifice.”

Women aren’t so much objectified this time around, as they are shown to be sluts and morons. Sarah Douglas continues her ‘Evil Cunt Of The 80s’ role as a Swhoreceress that first tries to aid Arklon in blowing shit up neutronically, but then decides that she’d much prefer to stay in our world and become a trophy wife. Again, seriously.

Then there is little Miss Rich Bitch, Jackie. Vapid, obnoxious AND stupid. She’s a trifecta of suck. Be still my beating heart. And women wonder why they don’t get taken seriously as actors.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Get the Flash Player to see this player.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Kari Wuhrer’s acting “stinks worse than a dead iguana.” But how about them titties!

[THE CHECKLIST: 17 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[  ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[  ] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[  ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel [Beastmaster: The Eye of Braxus]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Ow! I Got Another One Of Those Headaches With Pictures…

Beastmaster 2: Through The Portal Of Time (1991) © Films 21 and Republic Pictures

Melodramatic Cops

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Heroic Cops a.k.a. The Executor a.k.a . Jing wang shuang xiong (1978): Breakdown by Kain424

Two cops rail against the mob and a corrupt system through a combination of tight pants and overacting.  Chow Yun-Fat pisses on someone’s face and laughs.

[THE EXECUTION]

I like watching the older films of a now-famous actor.  Not just because of the differences in their beginnings to their current status, but also because it’s interesting to watch for early clues in their performances to their later success.  That said, Heroic Cops is a dated mess of ideas, drama, violence and tears, all done with a low budget.  The result is a film that plays more for laughs than the obvious intended dramatic effect.

Oh my god!  Your asses are eating your pants!

If the tight pants, bellbottoms and platformed shoes aren’t enough to date the film to the late 1970s, than certainly the disco music, hairstyles, and camera zooms will do the trick.  Someone really should have put a limit to the amount of zooms allowed for this film.  I thought they’d made their quota within the first fifteen minutes, but they just kept on doing it to a point where it became far more than distracting. And speaking of distracting, I’m pretty sure there’s not a single piece of original music to be found on the damn thing’s soundtrack.  It’s hard to describe the twisted feelings I had watching Chow Yun-Fat piss on a man’s face while a musical cue from Star Wars began.  Think about that.

This one’s not really something I can recommend to anyone who doesn’t absolutely love either Chinese cops films or actors Chow Yun-Fat and Danny Lee.  Lee does what he can here, but Chow is the one to watch.  Almost a decade from his real fame, here he turns in quite the bizarre performance, and it’s one of note as it’s actually a villainous turn.  Mostly, the acting is over-the-top, too silly to take seriously and too obnoxious to have enough fun with.

No, the car makes you look COOL!  Don’t worry about it.

There are also some very interesting English subtitles out there for this one, making for some hilarious readings, but also some frustrating ones.  On mine, there were several times when I couldn’t read what was there because of the ultra light background.  I got the gist though.

Watch it for free if you can, but Heroic Cops is more of a collector’s thing.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Tin Fung is Inspector Sam Chan Chung Tung

For most of the movie, this guy is the harder boiled of the two cops, being portrayed as the detached asshole of the two.  He keeps his cool on the job and prefers to do things by the book, but when the going gets tough, he’s the first one to take things to a physical level.

Danny Lee is Inspector Yung Pang

He plays the more emotional of the two protagonists, yelling about everything and bending the law when he sees fit.  Acting as he does, he has a tendency to get his ass in trouble.  Still, it’s Danny Lee, so he’s fairly bad-ass at the start.  He tries to take on a mob boss all by himself.  Not smart, but cool nonetheless.

Chow Yun-Fat is Ng To

This is easily the most evil character I’ve ever seen Chow play.  When he’s not banging hookers and drinking in clubs with the BeeGees playing, he’s beating people nearly to death and literally pissing on them.  Sure, he’s got a cute little baby face in this one, but he’s bad to the bone.

More like Curse Of The Golden ‘Shower’!

[THE BODY COUNT: 6]

A few of the kills are shown offscreen, with only the later appearances of corpses confirming the deaths.  The gore is peppered throughout, but there’s not much to write home about when there’s only half a dozen kills for the entire flick.  Fifty percent of them were dealt by Chow Yun-Fat, so that’s something.  We get death by gunshot, stabbing, and axe chops.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

Tin Fung vs. Chow Yun-Fat

This fight is pretty epic, starting out as a car chase, moving onto fists and feet, then to baseball bats and two-by-fours, and finally to axes.  It all lasts several minutes and is as silly as it is violent.  In a movie trying to pack an emotional punch, it sure as shit allows its message to be undercut by its own hunger for cartoonish, 70s-style violence.  It’s about the only thing worth watching in the whole movie.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Danny Lee and Tin Fung are so gay for one another it’s a wonder there wasn’t a wedding sequence.  These guys hang out together, giggling and slapping one anothers’ shoulders so much, that it came as a complete shock to me when it turned out Danny had a wife.  When they’re not goofing around “solving” cases, they’re crying and yelling in each others faces.  That’s it, big fella.  Just let it all out.  Of the closet.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Captain Procrastination is here!

Women pretty much stay by the wayside in this one, but those that scurry into the audiences view are skanks, whores, or abused in unsaid ways.  I mean that literally.

Danny Lee stumbles home drunk one night and crawls onto his sofa, proceeding from there to yell at his likely sleeping wife that he wants some noodles.  After failing to win a response from his spouse, he then checks the bedroom to find her huddling in a corner, the house revealed to be trashed and her face bruised and bleeding.  He tells her everything will be alright, tucks her into bed, and gets her to fall asleep.  No sense going to the hospital when she’s gonna have one helluva mess to clean in the morning.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

A cop with mob ties messes up and goes to meet with his underworld associates.  He picks a place with lots of children around, thinking he’ll be safe.  Unbeknownst to him, the guy selling ice cream to all the cheerful toddlers is -dun dun DUNNN! (Seriously, the music does that)- Evil Chow Yun-Fat!

Tin Fung’s character finally gets the upper hand against his primary tormentor, grabbing a nearby axe.  He then proceeds to go all Patrick Bateman on his foe, screaming “Go tell Hell!” over and over, until he tires of his gory endeavor.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Cops do so much for us, and yet we still make them obey the same laws as everyone else.  Shame on us.

[THE TAO OF CHOW: 1 outta 5]

[  ] Anti-Hero
[  ] Has Interest(s) In The Arts
[  ] Oral Fixation
[X] Performs An Overkill
[  ] Uses 2 Guns At Once

[THE CHECKLIST: 11 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[  ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[  ] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[  ] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Apparently murder is illegal. Even for cops. Who knew?

Vigilante(s)

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Vigilante (1983): Breakdown by Rutledal

Death Wish if Charles Bronson was a group of people instead of one person.

[THE EXECUTION]

The second I saw a movie titled Vigilante in the shelves of the movie store I knew there was no way I was going to leave without it. The cover played heavily on the fact that Quentin Tarantino apparently once said he liked the movie, mentioning his name at least three times more than that of anyone who was actually involved in making the movie. It’s directed by William Lustig (Maniac, Maniac Cop 1-3), and here he does what he does best, painting a grim and uninviting portrait of the streets of New York City. The movie is also packed to the rim with cool actors like Robert Forster, Fred Williamson, Richard Bright, Woody Strode, Steve James and Joe Spinell.

Forster is living a quiet and happy life with his family until his wife one day does the mistake of standing up to a punk that looks (for whatever reason) like Fidel Castro. He rounds up his gang of lowlifes and follows her home. The obligatory rape and killing ensues. Forster comes home to find his son dead and his wife badly wounded. The rotten “justice” system manages to get Forster convicted for contempt of court while the crooks walk away scott free. When he’s released, Forster is a changed man and he joins Fred Williamson’s vigilante group (Earlier in the movie we see Williamson and his men beat-up and kill some two-bit punks). Forster joins to get the men that are behind his son’s death, and since Williamson and the other lads aren’t too picky about their prey, they help him find them.

The movie is easily one of the better vigilante movies to come from the 80’s, but it’s not without it’s flaws. The “origin story” of Robert Forster’s character drags on a little too long, taking over an hour before he starts his quest for revenge, and by then there’s less than 20 minutes left of the movie. While the final act manages to deliver a (small) shootout, a gundown, slow-motion deaths, a car chase and an explosion, the ending still seems rushed. It feels like there is more story to tell and ultimately it feels somewhat disappointing. But despite this lackluster ending, the movie is very good and has no problem standing up against other vigilante movies like The Exterminator and the Death Wish sequels. A recommended view for fans for vigilante movies.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Robert Forster is Eddie Marino

In the first half of the movie Eddie isn’t exactly badass. When he comes out of jail, however, it’s a different story. He has become a man who takes the law into his own hands, a man who doesn’t hesitate to kill the bad guys. But best of all, he has become a certified badass motherfucker.

Fred Williamson is Nick

He is Fred fucking Williamson, what more do you need? The Hammer is, in my opinion, the best and baddest motherfucker to come from the blaxploitation wave. If you really need more the man runs a vigilante group on his spare time, he takes crap from nobody, and he takes time to help a man in a wheelchair while chasing a criminal. He’s not only cool, but also kind.

[THE BODY COUNT: 9 AND A COUPLE UNCONFIRMED]

Various thugs kills 3, and so do both Forster and Williamson. The unconfirmed includes a woman who gets raped and never seen again and a man who is described as being beaten to a pulp, but he is never confirmed dead or alive.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

In prison there is a big guy who cruising for some ass, prison style. He sneaks up on Eddie, who is alone in the showers, but Eddie ain’t gonna go down with out a fight (pun very much intended). It looks like Eddie is losing outright when out of nowhere, Woody Strode comes along and beats the tar out of both men.  You know, to be fair.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

While it never goes as far as rape, the prison shower scenes contains a lot of man ass.  Oh yeah.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

It has the usual vigilante movie attitude towards women. If they aren’t getting raped or killed they’re useless.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Some may argue that it should be the car chase at the end is the film’s epic moment, but to me its right after Robert Forster has committed his first kill. A woman comes out of the bathroom with a gun and shoots one of the members of the vigilante group. In the blink of eye Fred Williamson spins around, pulls his gun and blows her right across the room. Yeah. She literally flies ACROSS THE ENTIRE ROOM.

Nick has just spent the day tracking down the local drug lord and finally confronts him.

Drug Lord: “Hey, don’t you know who I am?”
Nick: “Yeah, I know who you are.”
Nick’s Shotgun: “BAM!”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

If you want something done you better do it yourself, because the system is rotten and corrupt.

[THE CHECKLIST: 14 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor” [Fred Williamson]
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[  ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[  ] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[  ] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[Il cittadino si ribella]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

I’m Gonna “Revolutionize” YOUR “Cuba”, Bitch!

The Disgraceful Men Birthed Out Of Wedlock

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

The Inglorious Bastards a.k.a. Quel maledetto treno blindato (That Damned Armored Train) (1978): Breakdown by Rantbo

Five misfit criminal American soldiers are wrangled into a covert Allied mission while escaping to Switzerland during World War II. Hundreds die. My boner lives on.

[THE EXECUTION]

According to Tarantino, and some no doubt obscure Japanese cult enthusiasts, this film is categorized as a ‘Macaroni Combat’ picture. I safely assume that this is because the dish of spaghetti was already taken to describe Italian made western films. And also, that there is apparently no better way to market a film’s country of origin, than to name it’s sub-genre after a stereotypical food originating from the area. Not that that bothers me or anything, I just find it amusing. It would be like calling the American One-Man-Army flick’s genre: Cheeseburger Death Machine Cinema, or Corndog Babyoil Cinema or Deep Fried Explosion Cinema. All of which are now trademarked by me. © RANTBO 2009.

Long observation short: INGLORIOUS BASTARDS—it doesn’t really matter what genre you place it under, so long as the word BAD followed directly by the word ASS is used to describe it.

So far as the story goes, it’s an incredibly simple archetype: Men on a mission in Nazi occupied France. Pretty standard DIRTY DOZEN-esq fair, but with an original twist: they’re all escaped cons, instead of imprisoned ones. Sure, it’s not a huge leap (a bunny hop, perhaps), but like the tagline says, “Whatever the Dirty Dozen did, THEY DO IT BETTER!”. Fuckin’-A.

This flick is one helluva entertaining romp across war-torn Europe. The acting is macho and superbly ‘B’. The music is catchy and inspiring. The action is frequent, intense, fun and well-shot. And it’s almost an hour shorter than it’s often compared inspiration, THE DIRTY DOZEN. In fact, so far as I’m concerned, the Dirty Dozen can suck eggs—a dirty fucking dozen of them. It would be completely unfair to even try and compare the two. BASTARDS wins on the entertainment scale, pound-for-pound, hands blown-off and down. There’s hardly a single 5 minute stretch in the entire 99 minutes of BASTARDS that doesn’t involve some krout getting his body riddled with freedom-coated bullets, and let’s be honest, that’s what you really want to see in a WW movie. So, if that doesn’t sell you, you’re just browsing. Either buy it, or get the fuck out.

I highly suggest checking this flick out and doing so before catching Tarantino’s similarly named film. It will spoil nothing, as they are the same in setting only, and it will give you a good perspective as to just what inspires that creepy brilliant fuck to make such zany and entertaining films. Namely, other zany and entertaining films by creepy brilliant fucks. INGLORIOUS BASTARDS, watch it before the Nazis confiscate it!

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

“You’re deserters, cutthroats and thieves. You don’t even deserve to be called soldiers!”

Bo Svenson is Lt. Robert Yeager the Strategist

Peter Hooten is Tony the Racist Womanizing Asshole

Fred Williamson is PVT. Fred Canfield the BadAss

Michael Pergolani is Nick Bouvier the Walking Woolworths

Jackie Basehart is Berle Hayes the Cowardly Mechanic

I hate to bring up the comparison again, but it must be done. The Dirty Dozen. Take those 12 assholes and their kooky personalities, social disorders, badass traits and psychoses; cram them into 5 men and throw them in a situation twice as bleak, with half the time to get out of it, and you have the Inglorious Bastards.

Aside from the two leads, Yeager (the brains and cool-headed leader) and Canfield (the BAMF), you get a douche-bag, a lunatic and a pussy. If that doesn’t sound like a team to get behind, you’re a pansy. These five combined kick more ass than an abusive donkey herder.  If you divide up their combined kills, they average out at 25 per Bastard. And that pussy Berle only got two that I can recall, leaving Svenson and The Hammer to pick up the slack. No complaints here.

Despite being one ugly mother fucker, Bo Svenson is one suave and charismatic leader. Williamson is like Shaft, but with more muscles and a stogie (cool, sexy and not to be fucked with—times 10). Hooten HAS to be Cole Hauser’s biological father—has to be, they couldn’t have picked a better man to play an asshole. The guy takes bets on his own life expectancy, knowing that he never has to pay the money back as he’s sentenced for execution. Pergolani is a big greasy meatball version of Harpo Marx. Only with much more hair and an insatiable libido. Then there is Basehart—well, they can’t all be winners. Not to say I’m angry they allowed the wimp to tag along, o’contraire. His character serves as an excellent basis of comparison for all the ballsy heroics of the other 4. He’s essentially Jiminy Cricket and sometimes there is so much awesome happening, you need that little reminder of what a common man would do in such situations. Namely, piss his pants. So, all-in-all, it’s a pretty perfect cast.

[THE BODY COUNT: APPROXIMATELY 280]

Combined the Bastards fill about 125 bodybags and everybody else (The Resistance, The Krouts, The Allies) rack up a very satisfying 155. And it could have been many more, as I did have to blink every so often.

This is what a war movie should be. People dying, not crying. Of course war is fucked up and tragic, but so is my life and when I watch a movie, I need to escape, not feel more guilty about my own pitiful existence and the shitty world I live in. Pizza, Monica Bellucci and Macaroni Combat—what more does a chubby loner need on a Saturday night to fill the void of contentment in his life? Not fucking much. Those Italians have this shit figured out, man.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

While it’s sad to see him go, it’s great to watch him leave. Yeager takes one for the Allied Team by blowing, not only himself up with massive bomb, but an entire fleet of Nazi soldiers. He must take out at least 35 in one swift blow, yet he’ll be remembered as a deserter and a criminal. It’s a god damned shame.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

For a buddy, men-on-a-mission flick, surprisingly little. Every one of the Bastards is a horndog for the ladies, even Hayes. Yeager’s court-martial was on account of him using his fighter plane to visit his woman in London. 3 times. Nick is obsessed with straight-porn. Tony convinces an 18 year old French girl to marry him after talking to her for 10 minutes. The Hammer tries futilely to bathe with some blonde iron cross bitches. And like I said, even Berle gets the butterflies when in the presence of other pussy.

The only thing remotely gay that happens is on a pit-stop to Switzerland where the crew strips down to bathe with one another in a river, while Canfield pumps himself up with some sweaty field exercises.

But, no less than a minute later, four of the guys are off trying to score with gratuitously naked female Nazis…

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Who are also bathing in the same river.

If I learned one thing from watching late-70s and early 80s cult cinema, it’s that women love, LOVE, to stand around/bathe/change clothes/marvel at other naked women. The larger the group/breasts, the better the time is had. And if a dozen or so nude German nymphs wasn’t enough, the second they spot The Hammer taking off his shirt, the group loses their shit and start trying to waste our heroes Andy Sidaris style. Do you have any idea how fast titties jiggle with the kick of an automatic machine gun? A: a lot!

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Ever the opportunist, Nick tries to scam a French resistance leader into buying some stolen merchandise. After his pitch seems to have no effect on the man, Nick asks him if he can speak English, he nods and starts spouting a string of curse words. Knowing his con is forfeit, Nick just smiles, pats the cheery fellow on the face a couple of times and then slaps him one hard before walking away miffed.

“I ‘accidentally’ killed a loud mouthed sergeant, just like you—wanna try for two? They can only shoot me once.”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

While denying their mindless killing machines the right to pussy might work well for aggression on the battlefield, BASTARDS proves it’s might be better in the long run to allow their automatons to believe that it is payable on death. If the non-gay soldiers truly thought that heavenly vagina was waiting for them in droves just beyond the pile of their fallen nemeses bodies, you might start to see a little more enthusiasm amongst the ranks. Not to mention, faster battles. In short, Pussy = Morale.

[THE CHECKLIST: 19 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor” [The Hammer]
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Remake [Hell's Heroes]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

G.I. BRO SAYS: “SEE YA NEXT TIME, KIDS!”

Death Hunt; Kill Eat Shit Sleep And Die

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Death Hunt (1981): Breakdown by Rantbo

Backwoods trapper rednecks thought they could fuck with Charlie Bronson. They thought wrong.

[THE EXECUTION]

Directed by Peter Hunt, the father of modern Action editing and starring Chuck Bronson and Lee Marvin, two old school hard-boiled ass kickers, DEATH HUNT would have been pretty hard-pressed to suck before my eyes. But, it didn’t exactly blow me away either.

The film is based on the true story of one of the greatest manhunts of the 20th century, that I’d never heard about until I read the back of the DVD case. BUT, unlike most “true” story movie adaptations this one featured the actors speaking the correct language and there wasn’t a single ghost trying to destroy a rural family of dumb-ass white people, so it had that going for it. The story goes like this, Legendary outdoorsman (Bronson) pisses off some hunters by interrupting a dogfight and the drunken assholes swear revenge. On the poorly planned excursion to enact said vengeance, the fools push too far and one gets his brains rapidly evacuated from his skull.

And like all sore loser bullies, the hillbillies abuse the circumstances and turn the whole situation into a pissing match in which no zippers are ever returned to their upright and locked positions. A full on manhunt commences.

The small issues I took were all within the final act. As I can only watch Bronson run awkwardly uphill in snowshoes for about 30 minutes before I start not to care, and this one pushed it over by about 10. Which, while it never really gets boring, is a pretty big disappointment after the stellar 1st act, which was a gun slinging thrill-a-minute. The sequence where the posse comes to bring in Bronson’s character, Johnson, is fantastic. Guns are discharged, shit blows up, rednecks die—all good things. But the other 75 percent is mostly running in the snow. And I fucking hate snow. But, even though my personal feelings toward the second and third act made it kind of a let down, I still quite enjoyed the picture as a whole. All-in-all, I’d give it a better than average score and recommend it to fans of gritty old-man Sunday-Dad movies and THE DIRTY DOZEN alumni.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Charles Bronson is Albert Johnson

“Can’t be no normal man.” “No he’s a killer.”
“Maybe it was his ghost or somthin’.”

“He was one of the American’s best trained men. Special intelligence squad in the war. He was trained in survival tactics…” “He ain’t no rookie.”

“We’ve been hunting a man who lives off the land and knows the terrain.”

Johnson is more manly than a lodge full of drunken lumberjacks. His profession of choice as a hunter/trapper/killer has him conquering nature with blades and bullets and he spends 90% of the film trumping around the wilderness, doing just that. Albert is on the lamb after “defending himself” (slaughtering local hillbillies) and not only is his machismo enough to survive the bitter cold of the Yukon, he actually thrives on it. Not to mention he wields a set of double guns and is able to survive his cabin exploding around him via a bundle of dynamite thrown by Action Jackson—without a scratch, I might add.

Lee Marvin is Sgt. Edgar Millen, RCMP

“Your cigars taste like shit and you’d probably crack your face if you laughed out loud.”

“He’s the last man in the WORLD that anybody’d want on his trail.”

Disgruntled, alcoholic burnt-out cops on the edge are a dime a dozen, but Millen is a Royal Canadian (I know, I know, but hear me out) Mounted Policeman, so that’s something special. As it turns out, it wasn’t a bad decision or last resort that made Millen a cynical washout officer in Mooseknuckle Canada, it’s the fact that he’s so god damn honorable he feels the need to punish himself. At least that’s how I see it. Millen is such a macho ballsy hero, that he is able to sense out like-minded characteristics in Johnson and instant manly respect is achieved. He’s tough, he’s fair, he’s Lee Marvin and he always gets his man.

[THE BODY COUNT: 9 MEN, A DOG, A DEER and SOME FISH]

Though the back of the DVD case claims Bronson ends 5 men’s lives, I only counted 4 and a badly wounded Ed Lauter. Which sounds pretty lackluster, but when you consider that this is based on a true story, it’s understandable that they didn’t have Charlie going apeshit and slaughtering half of British Columbia. Though, I would have probably preferred the exaggeration. On top of that, another 5 men meet their end over the course of the manhunt, one of which was even in a plane crash…

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Mounty Air Captain Jerk-Off gets a little overzealous when trying to shoot Johnson out of a tree and doesn’t exactly take careful aim. He ends up blasting the shit out of his fellow hunters and kills Carl Weathers dead. So, yeah—fuck this guy. Luckily, the other Mounties share my sentiment and riddle the asshole’s plane with bullets, causing him to crash into a mountainside.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

“I have to know everything about this man we’re going after. I gotta know him so good—I can taste him.”

Hunters are gay. Plain and simple.

There is something about getting up at the crack of dawn with a bunch of other men, wandering out in the wilderness, huddling together in a constricted place and watching the sun come up, all in matching outfits that just screams; “I love chugging other men’s jizz!” On top of that, the officers seem to have some extra curricular activities as well.

“I’m goin’ in after him. Back me. Nail anything that moves—except me.” (We’ll do that later ;) )

There is a moment in the third act, where Ed Lauter (the hunter that started the shit-storm with Johnson), is camping out with the 3 Mounties and as one would expect, some male-bonding and good old-fashioned ribbing takes place. But, then Ed takes it a step further and starts to comment on how fair the rookie’s complexion is and out of nowhere grabs him and starts raping his mouth with his tongue! And the other guys just watch in awe!

Jesus, that settles it—hunting is second only to buttfucking on the queer-o-meter.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

As this is a movie about a man-hunt, there is little time for female bullshit, but there are a couple ladies that get a line or two. One is some blonde that Millen shags and I’m not sure what her purpose was because I fast forwarded the two scenes she was in. Sorry, but it was fucking boring, OK? But the other one is a big ass thick-set Indian bitch that the men all call Buffalo Woman.

And Buffalo’s job is to fuck the RCMP members and sit on Carl Weathers’ lap. Seriously. She’s just a whore the Mounties pass around. Gotta love the 1930’s.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

After the vigilante posse fills Johnson’s house with enough bullets to end a war, one of the mouth-breather’s gets cocky and goes in for the scalp, and gets a chest fulla lead instead.

“Welcome.”

~BLAMMO!~

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

“There’s nothing in the books that says fuckin’s against the law.” Just don’t think you can do it to Charlie Bronson and get away without a bullet in your melon.

[THE CHECKLIST: 12 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor” [Carl Weathers]
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[  ] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[  ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[X] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Carl Weathers – DY-NO-MITE!

Volkodav iz roda Serykh Psov

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Wolfhound a.k.a. Volkodav iz roda Serykh Psov (2007): Breakdown by Kain424

Conan The Barbarian mixed with the story of Beowulf, King Arthur and Star Wars.  Slave, Warrior, Savior, Bad-Ass.

[THE EXECUTION]

If you’re from the United States, then The Lord Of The Rings is about all you know of fantasy.  That’s not a bad place to start, but it’s a sorry place to stop.  Tolkien’s world is a fantastic expansion upon the pulp stories and themes from the writers of the 1920s and 1930s, who themselves took from ancient legends and myths mostly from Europe.  Wolfhound (in Russia, Volkodav) is a lot like the telling of one of these ancient myths.  If you know of Beowulf or the story of Jason and the Argonauts, this film will have that familiar feel.

The movie didn’t start off to a great start for me, due to the obvious parallels to Conan The Barbarian, but it soon developed its own identity.  The main character is the son of a blacksmith, who’s village is raided and destroyed for the want of its swords.  The boy is then shackled and thrown into a life of slavery.  Other than the fact that our protagonist grows to be a warrior, the resemblances pretty much end there.  Except for Oksana Akinshina’s character, who has a plot similar to Olivia d’Abo’s in Conan The Destroyer.

Wolfhound combines this ancient style with a more modern film making approach, most resembling Peter Jackson’s film versions of The Lord Of The Rings.  The movie is pastiche, but more hodge-podge than imitation.  My knowledge of Russian folklore is lacking (and I have never watched the film’s prequel series Molody Volkodav, which translates to Young Wolfhound), so I will assume that Wolfhound is an original story meant to mimic the feel of a legend.  It accomplishes this fantastically, giving off a sense of true, peagan tradition.

What is most astounding to me is that Wolfhound keeps its own identity, even amongst obvious Western influence.  There is no mistaking this movie for anything but an East European film.  The look, message, mythos, and music are all signature of the culture in which it was produced.  And I love it. The movie does, at times, feel like it’s going out of its way to show us that Russia isn’t all just a cold and miserable place like it’s been made out to be, but I dug that, too.

Wolfhound is not really a straight-up Action film, but a striking fantasy flick of the highest order.  I definitely recommend it to you.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Aleksandr Bukharov is Volkodav

Volkodav is a hero in the tradition of Beowulf, but quite a bit less mercenary.  He looks like an anti-hero, but the guy is the most kind and honorable hero I’ve seen in years.  Mind you, this doesn’t keep him from being a bad-ass.  He cuts through his foes like they’re nothing, utilizing both spears and swords with equal skill.  He has magic powder, that sparks fire and he also has a big-ass bat for a pet, Beastmaster-style.

Oh, and check out the Epic Moment section for something even more awesome.

[THE BODY COUNT: 100+]

I actually lost count after several dozen people fell to their deaths from a giant stone bridge.  But before that, we were looking at upwards of a hundred people killed onscreen.  Most of them are sword/sharp object deaths, but there are some choking deaths, hammer kills, and mystical fog forces taking people out.

To be fair, Wolfhound isn’t all that gory, utilizing a combination of CGI blood and real FX.  There are plenty of kills happening just out of view, and a couple people are rescued from their promising demises by fire-magic.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

The film’s douche-bag character, Luchezar.  He gets, without giving too much away, what I like to call an Indiana Jones death.  Just watch it.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Volkodav pretty much shows no interest in women for much of the picture.  I’m going to go ahead and give it a pass this time though, because I think it has more to do with the character’s straight-arrow nature than any sort of gay lifestyle he may or may not have picked up while working the chain gangs in the mines.  Plus, he is visibly distraught at having to turn down Oksana Akinshina (The Bourne Supremacy) when she propositions him.  She’s engaged to another man, and Volkodav is far too honorable.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Apparently, the Russians have come a bit farther than the United States in their treatment of ladies in fantasy films.  The women here are shown as strong-willed, able and eager to fight, and nearly always useful to the matter at hand.  Still, that doesn’t stop ‘em from showing us some titty.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

There are several great moments in this one, but nothing compares to the point when Volkodav calls upon the God of Thunder to assist him in battle.

Lightning bolts come down from the sky, and turn Volkodav’s sword in to a fucking lightsaber. I’m not kidding.  It’s the most bad-ass thing ever.

“Tell your men to throw me from the road.”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

You can kick destiny’s ass.  Make your own luck, but be a good person.

[THE CHECKLIST: 12 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are*
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[   ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[  ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

*He has a whole damn song about his exploits!

Mutant Chronicles: Age Of The Green Screen

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Mutant Chronicles (2008): Breakdown by Rantbo

Machine from space turns humans into zombie-mutants. Tom Jane fucks shit up.

[THE EXECUTION]

The best way I can think to describe this film is, RESIDENT EVIL meets WAR OF THE WORLDS, THE DIRTY DOZEN and THE DESCENT set in a post apocalyptic steam-punk future—on a low budget. Which could either be one of the worst ideas ever, or just some mediocre bullshit. The year is—I’m not looking it up, fuck it, it doesn’t matter… It’s the future, and the world is controlled by corporations. The one running the West countries and the one running the East countries are at war and whilst killing one another, they awaken an ancient space-death machine that turns human bodies into T-Virus-like mutants. These ‘worker-ant’ muties job is to stoke the fires of the “machine” with more bodies, and they really take pride in their work. The Earth, in short, is fucked. Enter Ron Pearlman and his Dirty-Half Dozen, suicide squad, hand-picked and heaven-bent on saving the world on a million-to-one shot.

I’m on the mediocre bullshit side of the fence, simply because no matter how shitty the films are that he appears in (PUNISHER 2004), Tom Jane kicks ass. But saving grace, though he is, this film still borderlines the suck. Like I mentioned above, it’s extremely low budget, at least it is for the scope that the screenwriters must have originally intented. I’m not one to usually bitch about this sort of thing, as I seriously doubt I could take the same limited means and create something as good as this flick, but I wouldn’t have tried either. My advice would have been to tone down the Sci-Fi a bit, by taking a little more modern setting and thus nixing a bunch of those unnecessary and embarrassing green screen shots. But I have yet to be paid a dime for my opinion, so what the fuck do I know? Aside from that shit, it wasn’t too horrifying.

Was it worth watching? Yeah, I guess. Again, for nothing else than to watch Tom Jane say fuck and kill shit in unapologetic rage-fueled violent ways. So, if that sounds like a good time, rent this shit and have a party, ‘cuz that’s exactly what you’ll get.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Thomas Jane is Sgt. John Mitchell ‘Mitch’ Hunter

Mitch is a hard talkin‘, hard smokin’, stoic old school BadAssMotherFucker with an attitude. When he isn’t busy slaughtering both zombie-mutant hybrids and asshole humans that rub him the wrong way, he’s smoking and grumbling curse words under his breath. He’s angry, loaded and filled to the brim with bloodlust and religious contempt. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear he was my father.

[THE BODY COUNT: THE HUMAN RACE [-] A FEW HUNDRED]

More than INDEPENDENCE DAY and ARMAGEDDON combined. The film begins in the middle of a war on a very bloody battle field. So, a shit-load die right there. Then the mutants get unleashed and a shit-load more die. Then the mutants spread and wipe out humanity. Add a mother-fucking shit-ton. THEN there are the deaths involved amongst the heroic team as they descend deeper into the zombies nest.

Not to mention the assload of mutants that get butchered along the way.  Even if Tom Jane wasn’t in this film, the body count alone would have probably made it worth watching. So, there you go. One more reason to watch.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

There are quite a few violently funny novelty kills, but my favorite has to go to Tom Jane’s utter ownage of one of the random muties. After he sets the fucker on fire with an oil lamp, he kicks it to it’s knees and chops off it’s head with a sword.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Not so much. Tom Jane does, however, have a special bond with his commanding officer from the battle-grounds before the whole mutant apocalypse. It comes up later as well, but it’s nothing outside of the everyday ordinary suppressed homoerotic jarhead hierarchies.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Ladies are ALMOST seen as equals in this one, and in fact they end up out surviving many of the men. Just like in real life. Except, I did happen to notice that there wasn’t any female mutants, leading me to believe that the over throwers of the planet knew that the Y gene was far superior for ruling and control. Thus the men of our planet where chosen alone to be worthy of being converted into the soldiers and future rulers of Mutant Earth.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

I don’t want to spoil it with a picture, so I’ll just say that Jane solidifies himself as a ballsy hero when he is strapped-to and escapes-from the mutant converter machine. And while it isn’t what I would call a clean getaway (at all), it is certainly the best sequence in the film.

“What do you believe?”

“I’m not paid to believe. I’m paid to fuck shit up.”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

“You can fuck a lot of people, you only die once.”

[THE CHECKLIST: 13 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice