The Butcher: I’ll Take A 95min Uncut Chunk Of Raw Action Meat, Please.

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

The Butcher (2007): Breakdown by Rantbo

Aging mob enforcer is forced out to pasture. Takes the rest of the herd with him.

[THE EXECUTION]

Much like Eric Roberts, Merle ‘The Butcher’ is an aging all-but-forgotten badass on the verge of forced retirement. A one-time prize-fighter and current mob enforcer, Merle is counting the days to his pink-slip (death certificate) and eagerly awaiting an opportunity to get out with a stash of retirement money, as he’s blown all his savings in long-shot gambles. Merle isn’t exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, but what he lacks in brains, he makes up for in balls. Big, wrinkly, battle-worn manticles. Which he uses to pump himself up before shooting the shit out of his former employers. So naturally, THE BUTCHER is fun for the whole family.

Apparently, this flick was made about 2 or 3 years ago and even though it wasn’t really on the radar, it fell off it just the same. But, thanks to the Gods of Action, there is the glorious DTV market of under-appreciated hardcore violence gold. And l’m happy to say, THE BUTCHER delivers just that.

Almost the entire first hour is pretty low-key and mostly just features Roberts driving around with a chip on his shoulder. He held my interest by a thread with the kicking of an occasional ass, but I was starting to think this movie would be getting no more than a 5 outta 10, at best. But then, the killings began. Turns out good things do indeed come to those who wait.

There are 3 very bloody, very well shot, very kick-ass shootouts in the late second and third act, that easily made up for the lackluster first half. THE BUTCHER brought back memories of AN EYE FOR AN EYE and LEGACY OF RAGE and other Heroic bloodshed movies that fell just short of making it to a John Woo level of greatness. Not too shabby for an almost lost DTV actioner.

As far as recommending it, absolutely. It’s rare to see a well done shoot ‘em up now a days, especially one starring Eric Roberts, Robert Davi, Keith David AND Michael Ironside. Fuck Yeah. It’s not a perfect film, but after you get past the first act set-up, it kicks ass like a steel-toed boot. It’s definitely worth a rental, but I think I’ll personally be picking up a copy of the DVD for my collection.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Eric Roberts is Merle ‘The Butcher’ Hench

“Merle was a one-time gunman, one-time prize fighter. A man who now preferred a drink over a fight.”

“That left hand of yours could decapitate a grown man.”

[Stripper, after grabbing Merle’s crotch] “OH! Jesus, Mister!”

“There’s very few men who could beat you on the drop, Merle. [You're] One of the old timers Merle—one of the greats.”

Weapons of Choice: Duel Gold Plated .45s “Tiffany company couldn’t do better.”
Vehicle of Choice:  Black ‘69 Dodge Charger, with a full 40 magnum big block and the original super-b four speed. This car itself is more bad ass than most 00s Action ‘Heroes’.

Simply put, this is THE most badass character Roberts has ever played. And that includes Alex Grady. He’s a one-man fucking army and he even manages to wear a double-loop earring without looking remotely like a pussy.

[THE BODY COUNT: 31]

“It all comes down to fundamentals.”
The Butcher lives up to his name with a very satisfying 28 kills by way of the gun. It’s glorious. The other two are random bad guy hits via flashbacks on people we never met, nor cared about. BUT, one of those two is done by the hands of Michael Ironside, who amazingly enough is only in the film for like a minute and a half, but still manages to make a bloody good impression. Not too bad for a walk on role. [The final kill is a spoiler.]

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

The honors go to Random Thug Franco and his devoted portrayal of a zit popping (and yes, that mess was his head).

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

None whatsoever. Eric Roberts is straighter than Peter North’s dick. However, he does turn down a duo-lap dance by two better than average looking strippers—but to be fair, he was working at the time and fuck paying cash for ass when you’re Eric Roberts and can get it for free.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

As I mentioned above, there are a couple scenes at a strip club, but nary a nipple is shown and when the shit hit’s the fan, not one fake titty takes a lead injection. Even Roberts’ love interest keeps her bra AND panties on to fuck. Which is odd, considering that this was done independently and wasn’t rated by the MPAA. How they couldn’t find a handful of desperate F list “actresses” to flaunt their assets, is something I don’t understand and will never forgive the filmmakers for. Such a missed opportunity…

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

EP-M: Shootout at the OK Ka-Nipple

Coming back to the scene of the missing mob-money robbery, The Butcher attempts to make good and clear his name, by blaming the mess on Robert Davi. Which is only a half truth. As Merle was quite the opportunist and took a bag for himself, which the badguys happen to have on tape. He is, however, given an out by just returning the money he took. Awesomely, Merle says fuck that noise and earns his share in blood.

Making like a cowboy, Butcher wastes the launderer and his guard, grabs a machine gun from off the wall (why there was a fucking machine gun on the wall is a mystery, but it’s best not to ask questions when such good Action is afoot) and shoots his way out of the club. Though regrettably none were shown, this sequence was still the tits.

THE LINE:

After The Butcher gets the drop on his would be backstabbing killer and blows his brains out onto a wall…

“I may not live long, Eddie—but I’m livin’ longer than you.”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Never gamble when you’re desperate—unless you’re Eric Roberts. In that case, do it. But wear a flack-jacket.

[THE CHECKLIST: 13 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[  ] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[  ] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting [Garrett Warren &
Luke Lafontaine]
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

“OH! Jesus, Mister!”

The Butcher © World Films and 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment

The Old Indiana Jones Adventures: Part One

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984): Breakdown by Rantbo

Indiana fights Chinese gangsters, becomes a zombie, whips some cult ass and saves a large group of malnourished children from manual labor.

[THE EXECUTION]

Shanghai, 1935 and in a classic Bondian fashion, Indiana Jones is finishing up a un-filmed mission in China. And after a brilliant action-packed chase sequence, he’s off and falling into India for his first (chronologically and adult) cinematic adventure.

Jones—Indiana, Jones.

It is here that he agrees to aid a small peasant village in retrieving their lucky Sankara stone and rescue their children from a corrupt cult-infested palace. Along for the ride is a troublesome American singer (Steven Spielberg’s wife) and Indy’s faithful child sidekick, Short Round (Data from THE GOONIES).

TEMPLE OF DOOM was easily my favorite of the Indy flicks growing up. It’s dark tones, disturbing violence and creepy imagery really appealed to the Horror movie pallet I had as a child, and is partially responsible for my tastes switching to an Action centric diet in my late teens. I still love the film and unlike a lot of Indiana fans, regard it to be just as good as all the others.

The story is dark, but much like chocolate, it’s only richer because of it. The filmmakers took a chance on having an established globe-trotting hero stay in one place for the bulk of the adventure, but when the task at hand involves rescuing a bunch of enslaved children, I for one found it easy to understand and forgive this often brought about negative aspect.  Not to mention how intricate and well designed the eerie temple sets were. And though the story is easily the most bleak of his filmed adventures, they still managed to pepper in a great blend of humor and heart to the tale. The relationship between Indy and Short Round is classic, for instance.

I, unlike most (I’ve dishearteningly found out), love Shorty. Sure, the character could be seen as a stereotype and nuisance, but I think Johnathan Ke Quan was a blast. With most child actors, I quickly wish upon them a quick and painful death. On screen and off. But, for some reason, Quan never bothered me. Maybe it was his Engrish accent and biting quips that made me laugh as a child. Or perhaps it was the backwards baseball cap and my love for THE GOONIES. I’m not sure. One thing’s for certain though, if it wasn’t for his character’s heroism, Indiana would still be a Thuggee zombie, so he deserves some respect. His performance was heartfelt, honest, funny and made it easy to believe that he could be close friends with Indy, despite their age and racial differences. So to all you Shorty haters, “Am-scray!” (that means ‘fuck off’ in 30s lingo).

DOOM’s Action is top notch and even after seeing this movie a dozen and a half times, I still get giddy when I think of Indy fighting off the slave-drivers, swinging from the cavern’s rafters, fighting in a speeding mine-cart and clinging to a cliff face. I can’t say enough good things about how well Spielberg shot and put this together. They just simply do not make ‘em like this, anymore. And by ‘they’ I mean the exact same people. Made back when Lucas still had the sense to stick to story and support. When Spielberg was still climbing to his eventual peak (JURASSIC PARK) of cinematic adventure and visual splendor. And when Ford seemed willing, able and pleased to be the character. Ah, the 80s…

Anyways, before I go on gushing too long, I’ll just say that TEMPLE OF DOOM is pure B-Action movie gold. A true blast of an adventure and if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, shove a lit torch into their chest, as they are clearly under the spell of some bad juju.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Harrison ‘Built’ Ford ‘Tuff’ is Doctor Henry ‘Indiana’ Jones, Jr.

The intellectual’s Superman, Jones is teacher by day, globe-trotting archeologist and ass-kicker by the weekends and holidays. With the tucking in of his spectacles and the brandishing of a whip, mere man becomes legend. Indiana is the tattered waving flag of the long forgotten out-post. Braving storms, time and the apathy of his fellow man. He does what he must, not for glory (though that he does receive from the hearts and minds of those he touches), but purely for the good name of man and for future generations to grow and learn without oppression and tyranny. Brave, heroic, steadfast, strong and kind,  Indiana Jones is THE American Adventuring Hero. Along his journeys he risks life and afterlife to save a cursed village and their children, exposes the Third Reich for their evil intentions and deeds and kicked ass for father and lord, without question or reward. In short, to know him, is to worship him.

A Short Document Of  His Legend For This Installment:

-Kills a man with a shish-kabob.
-Beats up an Asian stunt team, while poisoned and dying.
-Jumps out of a plane with nothing but an inflatable river-raft, rockets down a snow-covered peak, flies off a several hundred foot cliff and survives without a scratch.
-We find out that the Sultan of Madagascar threatened to cut off his—misunderstanding, if he ever returned to his country. Player.
-Nothing shocks him—he’s a scientist.
-He’s an authority in primitive sexual practices, as he’s had “Years of fieldwork.”
-Gets whipped by a mongoloid, doesn’t cry out.
-Has a burning torch held to his chest. He does cry out on that one—he is human, after all.
-Stops a speeding-out-of-control mine cart with his feet.
-Severs the rope-binds of a cliff bridge–while standing in the middle of it. “He no nuts—he crazy!”
-Gets in a fist fight, while dangling a hundred feet above a gaggle of hungry crocodiles on his newly created rope-ladder.
-Whips his trophy around the waste and drags her in for some lovin’.

[THE BODY COUNT: 33]

Indiana delivers with his highest body count in the series, a very satisfying 20 dead bad guys. Another 9 kills go to Team Indy, via an impressive 3 kill punch by Kate Capshaw and some British soldiers who cap some Thuggee ass. The bad guys manage to take out one of Indiana’s buddies in the beginning and they sacrifice one of their own to appease their god, Kali. The remaining two are a couple of decomposing corpses Indy finds in a wall. Spooky.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]

Indiana vs.The Slave Driver

After returning from the dark side, Indy is pissed and looking to take out his aggression on the big lug who’s been torturing children. It would have been a landslide victory for Jones, but the big bearded bastard was being aided by a cheating little bitch with a voodoo doll. But, Short Round steps up, once again (respeck), and balances the fight-scales, giving Indy an opportunity to slam the Thuggee fucker in the gut with a saw blade and beat him into a rock crusher. Squish.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Not too much. This takes place in the thirties, when men were men and women were their disposable pursuits. The film does however, open with a bunch of guys watching a musical number. Then, later on, Harrison Ford is brainwashed into being a sweaty, shirtless man-slave.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Setting on-screen woman back to 1935—allow me to introduce…

Wilhelmina ‘Willie’ Scott

“The biggest trouble with her is—the noise.”
I concur. Willie is a loud, annoying, complaining, shallow, shrewish bitch that refuses to shut up or stop screaming—ever. So, pretty much an accurate portrayal of a 1930’s American woman.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

The head Thuggee, Mola Ram, TEARS A GUY’S FUCKING HEART OUT! With his bare hand no less! AND he does it with such precision, his ‘patient’ lives after having it done. For awhile, anyways. “Kali ma, shakthi deh! “

“Mola Ram, prepare to meet Kali—IN HELL!”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Fortune and glory come second to helping out poor people. What a bunch of Om Namha Shivaye.

[THE CHECKLIST: 16 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, chronologically speaking]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

: -(

Battle Creek Bore

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

The Big Brawl a.k.a. Battle Creek Brawl (1980): Breakdown by Kain424

In an alternate 1930s America, where Chinese men can become wealthy doctors and date Caucasian women without it causing a stir, Jackie Chan must enter a fighting tournament to win back his brother’s kidnapped mail-order wife.  Also, there’s a roller derby for some reason.

[THE EXECUTION]

Here lies an interesting little film, made back when the Kung Fu craze began by Bruce Lee was finally dying down.  Jackie Chan had become a rather big star in his native China, and was now set to move to the international scene.  The director, and much of the crew, from Enter The Dragon was hired by Warner Brothers to make it all happen.  Unfortunately, Jackie Chan was not Bruce Lee.

Even in China, Chan’s films floundered when they attempted to match the serious tone of Lee’s movies.  Lee’s films were less about style than drama and power.  Chan, who had worked with Lee in both Fist Of Fury and Enter The Dragon, made lighter films, full of comic relief.  Instead of the flexed power of Lee, Chan was fast, acrobatic, and rhythmic.  So to watch The Big Brawl is an interesting experience, both fun and sad.

The biggest flaw in this film is not, however, that the film makers want Chan to be Lee, but that the comedy is simply underdone.  In a film that is apparently aware of Jackie’s comic ability, there are many jokes that just go nowhere.  For instance, when Kwan’s brother’s wife is switched with a bubblegum-chewing prostitute, you’d expect all sorts of fun hijinks, but it is never mentioned again.  This sort of thing goes on and on throughout the film, making it more boring than better.  All that’s left is the fighting, and even that gets bungled.

Most of Chan’s opponents are huge musclemen, very strong but very slow.  Chan essentially runs circles around them, and in classic comic fashion.  And when I say classic, I mean very classic.  Think Three Stooges and Buster Keaton meets Speedy Gonzáles (also from Warner Bros.) and you’ll have a clue what I mean.  Almost all of the fights feature a frustratingly awkward slowness on the one side, and a ridiculous speed (if somewhat reserved at times) on the other.  It can get painful to watch at times.

So how much you enjoy this film, set in the 1930s but featuring a 70s-style roller derby, will depend greatly on how you can handle the Three Stooges and, well, Jackie Chan on a bad day.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Jackie Chan is Jerry Kwan

Chan plays Kwan as a sort of happy-go-lucky guy, as he normally plays his characters, with little flare other than his relationship with Kirsten DeBell’s character.  He’s sort of a goofball, but is being trained by his uncle, Mako, (yeah, I know he’s Japanese, but whatever) to become a bad-ass.

Jerry’s not about being strong, but instead, a sort of durable, speeding, rollerskating kick-artist.  It works when he’s fighting, but nothing about him is intimidating to even the weakest of the goons whom he opposes.  Bad-ass or not?  I’d say not.

[THE BODY COUNT: 1]

Jackie’s fiercest opponent, to give you another idea of the tone of this film, is a guy called Billy Kiss.  This is apparently a nick-name, because Billy likes to kiss his opponents after beating them and hugging them to submission.  One hug goes too far and kills a guy, and it’s mentioned that this has happened in the past.

Still, that’s one kill.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

Though I enjoy the end fight between Jerry and Billy Kiss, I enjoy the fight in the theater much more.  Jackie is finally able to let loose, and with lightning speed, takes out several 30s goons with his Mako-trained kung fu skills.  It borders on Bruce Lee imitation, but it’s still pretty cool.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

It’s about as gay as a film can be that begins and ends with a man kissing another man.  As I mentioned above, the fiercest enemy in this film is a huge guy who hugs and kisses his opponents.  If that’s not enough for you, then this film also features more bears than a zoo, but with way less clothing.  Prepare for a lot of man-meat when watching this one, folks.  And bring a handkerchief.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

The women in this film are completely there for the sake of it.  They are sexual objects and pawns, providing very little to the story.  Sure, the whole point of Jackie entering in the fight contest is to get his brother’s MAIL-ORDER BRIDE back, but once the fight is over, so is the movie.  Do they get her back?  No one cares.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

My favorite moment is the chase scene between Billy Kiss and Jerry Kwan.  Billy chases Jerry through a crowd of fight spectators, with Kwan cartoonishly popping up in different disguises throughout.  This is all done in a single crane shot, showcasing Jackie Chan’s incredible speed.  Just try following him!

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My favorite line actually belongs to this old, batty lady that’s in the film for only a couple scenes.  Still, she’s so goofy that she winds up being hilarious.  One 30s gangster, talking about how he could find Chan’s character, get this retort from grandma:

“You couldn’t find a whore on Russ Street.”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Speed beats power.  And don’t feed the bears.

[THE GIST OF JACKIE: 5 outta 5]

[X] Breaks Into Someplace Or Escapes By Way Of Acrobatics
[X] Has An Annoying Tag-Along Companion
[X] Makes The ‘OW!’ Face And/Or Rubs A Soar Spot
[X] Performs A Ridiculously Dangerous Stunt
[X] Uses A Random Object To Defend Himself

[THE CHECKLIST: 10 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[  ] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting [Jackie Chan]
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[  ] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[  ] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

Battle Creek Bear Hug

The Big Brawl © Warner Bros., Golden Harvest & 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment

Spider-Man: Issue #1: Monologues And Origins

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Spider-Man (2002): Breakdown by Rantbo

Spider-Man, Spider-Man.
Does whatever a spider can.
Spins a web, any size.
Catches thieves just like flies.
Look out! Here comes a lucrative franchise.

[THE EXECUTION]

I’d like to think that most people reading this would at least be familiar with the story of Spider-Man’s origin, which is what this movie follows (fairly closely), so for brevity’s sake, here’s the short version. A teenage nerd, Peter Parker, gets bitten by a radioactive (genetically engineered, in the movie) spider on his class field-trip to a laboratory. And the spider bite transforms Peter overnight into a beefcake with spider-like powers. Then, soon after losing his beloved Uncle to an incident that he could have prevented had he not been a fuckass, he has to make a choice; wallow in self pity or atone. Parker decides to do both. Using his powers for the good of society, he creates a secret crime-fighting identity, Spider-Man, and spends the rest of his life (and the film) juggling his duel lives.

Unlike most super-hero origin movies, this one didn’t bug me. I guess it’s because, growing up, I was such a fan of not just Spidey, but Parker too. I was thoroughly entertained just watching the story unfold in its own time. I love his backstory, his wit and his relatable common-man problems. And, subsequently, I really dug the movie, so it’ll probably be easier (and shorter) to just mention the things I didn’t like.

Mary Jane: While she does have a stupendous rack, it takes more than a full sweater to make me accept Kirsten Dunst as Mary Jane Watson. Let me state, before I hate, that I couldn’t score a girl that looks like her without serious cash. She’s cute in her own way and I’ve liked her in several films, but in my opinion as a critic and as a big fan of the character, Kirsten Dunst fails as M.J..

The Mary Jane in the comics was a model and total knock-out babe. The whole point was that a nerd like Peter Parker, would never have been able to score a chick like that in a million years without the perfect circumstances. She’s his perk for all the shit he has to go through being a misunderstood hero. He gets his ass kicked, publicly slandered and has to work a day job—but it averages out as he gets to come home to a gorgeous copper-top. But in the movie, M.J. is so painfully ordinary that I completely believe these two could and would have ended up together, Spider-Powers or no. What with his large nose, big head and goofy facial expressions and her gummy smile, thin lips and—goofy facial expressions—where’s the added benefit? But, that’s probably what the filmmakers were going for. Personally, and I know it’s been said by others, but I think the role should have been played by Alicia Witt. Or, even better, made his love interest be Gwen Stacy, like in that comic that everybody seemed to like. But, whatever. Dunst isn’t terrible and she does have a pretty good scream. Probably do to those impressive lungs…

The Green Goblin: Not Willem Dafoe. In fact, I think he’s probably the most perfect bit of casting outside of J.K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson. The problem I have is, I can’t understand why they chose to make him look like a fucking Power Ranger villain.

Especially when you have an actor as creepy looking as Willem Dafoe. That dumbass mask was a joke compared to what Goblin could have been if he were simply in some green make-up that accentuated Dafoe’s already spooky features.

Macy Gray: Groan, why?  At the time, it was horrifying. And now, in retrospect, it’s terrible. But the worst thing—the thing that makes me cringe every time I hear it, is that dumbass goomba on the bridge at the end that starts talking shit to the Green Goblin. “You mess with one of us, you mess with ALL of us!”. Oh, man I hate that guy. “Yeah, dis is New Yowk, we all one entity after 9/11, don’t yous know dat? You green peckerhead!”  That’s it for what I didn’t care for.

As far as superhero movies go, this is definitely one of the rare good ones. It’s has a great story, the characters are superb and the action is fun, fast-paced and well shot. Most importantly, it REALLY felt like watching a live-action Spider-Man comic. Unlike the fucking X-Men or Fantastic Four. Raimi’s style applies itself wonderfully to the subject material and though it’s probably futile to do so (as I’m sure everyone who watches movies has already seen it) I highly recommend watching it. At least once, if for no other reason than so you can check out the even more rare superior sequel, with a full knowledge of what happened before.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Tobey Maguire is Peter Parker is Spider-Man

Spider-Man wasn’t part of a team, he didn’t have a trust fund to fall back on and he wasn’t an over-powered douche like Superman. He’s just a young smart guy, trying to do the right thing, while still protecting the ones he loves. Spider-Man is, for me, the perfect comic book hero. A nerd with super-strength, that gets to fuck a red-headed supermodel. Pretty much my fantasy since 1993.

-He has super strength, agility, balance and speed.
-Can cling to walls.
-Has a precognitive “Spider-Sense” that allows him to avoid danger
-Is very smart and excels at science, chemistry and physics.
-And much like John Spartan, is a damn fine seamstress.
Also, according to Parker, he beat an old lady with a stick to get some cranberries for Thanksgiving dinner. That’s a bad mutha fucka right there.

[THE BODY COUNT: 13]

Uncle Ben gets killed, his killer accidentally kills himself and the Green Goblin kills ten more and then himself. First he kills one of his lead researchers. Then he blows the Hell outta three government stooges with some missiles. And the final 6 he uses a flash grenade pumpkin bomb, which turns them into skeletons for some fucked up reason.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

The Human Spider vs. BONESAW McGraw!

Spider-Man’s first true villain. BONESAW is played by Randy ‘The Macho Man’ Savage and personally, it’s the most memorable part of the film. Spidey fights BONESAW for a supposed $3,000 in order to buy a car to impress Mary Jane. The fight itself is nothing too special; mostly just Spider-Man jumping around and BONESAW smashing him with a folding chair. What makes it my favorite fight sequence is the pure novelty of seeing Spider-Man fight The Macho Man. Oh, and Spidey whips his ass. “Oh—YAYUH!!”

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Well, aside from wearing a colorful skintight bodysuit, Spider-Man also shoots pearl-white ropes of sticky goo out of his wrists. That’s pretty gay. To further his queerness, he spends the entire film pining for Mary Jane’s affections, yet every time he comes close to winning her over, he shuns her out of fear for “her saftey”.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Well, Mary Jane almost gets mugged and most certainly raped, by a bunch of goons. But, who could blame them? I mean, she was dressed like a drunk whore on a Cancun spring-break wet t-shirt competition stage. Later on, of course, she gets kidnapped and used for emotional blackmail against the man who loves her. Oh, women. Plus, she herself admits that she’s just a “…stupid little girl with a crush.”

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Most people probably don’t remember this scene, but it is easily my favorite part in the film. During Thanksgiving dinner, Norman Osborn is starting to lose his control over his split personality more frequently and at random intervals.

Spider-Man 07

He makes to pluck a piece of pie before dinner and Aunt May slaps his hand. We watch as he almost loses his shit and stabs her for daring to fuck with him. I laugh out loud every time I see it.

BONESAW IS REH-DEE!!!

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

With great power, comes large, barely-clothed, rain-soaked titties…

NO! Responsibility. With Great Power, Comes Great Responsibility! Yeah. Like that creepy old man said before he died.

[THE CHECKLIST: 20 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor” [MACHO MAN!]
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[  ] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[X] Tis The Season
[Thanksgiving]
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[Spider-Man 2]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Hey! BRUCE CAMPBELL, LUCY LAWLESS, STAN LEE and ELIZABETH BANKS!

Scowlface

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Scarface (1983): Breakdown by Kain424

Cuban refugee kills his way to the top of the cocaine world but remains an annoying moron throughout.  Carnage and unintentional hilarity ensue.

[THE EXECUTION]

Scarface is a movie that bounces back and forth between being immensely entertaining and terribly boring.  The film is essentially about rising to the top and fucking it all up.  Director Brian DePalma (The Untouchables) does a great job displaying the late 70s and early 80s drug trade.  Hell, DePalma does a great job displaying everything in this film.  The whole thing looks great, with every visual stunning and every death a bloody one.

The synthesized score by Giorgio Moroder is simply addicting, and the 80s pop tunes that blare throughout the duration are, well, very 80s.  The movie is a nice mark in the history of film, where one can clearly see the 80s taking over from the 70s, with the film’s violence, bodycount, weaponry, and camera movements becoming more crisp and distinct.

While all this is very interesting, some more work could have gone into the characters, all of which are base, superficial and almost entirely unlikable.  I can’t figure out if the film is DePalma’s giant ethnic slur against Cubans or if it’s trying to be some kind of satire on the late 70s/early 80s cocaine culture.

Whatever the case, the movie is a violent, cocaine-fueled time-travel trip to the early 80s.  It’s nasty, brutal, and fairly fun, but the nearly three-hour run-time causes it to drag a bit.  Watch only if you’ve got the time and really like gangster flicks.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Al Pacino is Tony “Scarface” Montana

“Who do you think you’re fucking with, huh?  I’m Tony Montana! You fuck with me, you’re fuckin’ with the best!”

“All I have in this world is my balls and my word.  And I don’t break ‘em for nobody.”

“You think you can take me?  You’re gonna need a fuckin’ army, you gonna take me!”

For whatever reason, DePalma decided to allow Pacino to spit, scream, growl, and scowl for nearly three hours.  Apparently this was a brilliant decision because a lot of people love this film.

Tony Montana is an aggressive opportunist, uneducated but very driven.  It’s hinted that he is so ambitious due to his humble beginnings, but is most likely power hungry because he was a capitalist living in a communist state.  He’s greedy, paranoid, headstrong, loud, and lethal.  He may seem loyal at first, but he is quick to sense weakness in others and use that to his advantage.

He is one tough son of a bitch, however.  After taking about 50 or so rounds, he’s still standing, ready to keep fighting.  Cocaine’s a helluva drug.

[THE BODY COUNT: 40]

While not the highest of bodycounts, DePalma goes for quality over quantity. Each kill is accompanied by generous amounts of either squib-blasts or red liquid.  This helps to enhance the impact of every onscreen death and make every moment of violence feel that much more real.

Tony Montana kills 26 people by himself, and the rest are from other goons, be it Montana’s hired help or the opposition.  All in all, pretty damn appropriate for a film about drug-related violence.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Tony Montana’s death is easily the most satisfying.  Let’s face it, by the end of the film, he’s lost all sympathy or even relatability, having fucked over his associates, killed his best friend, and ruined his family’s life.  Scarface is so coked out that he doesn’t even seem to realize what he’s done and remains unrepentant even at the end, talking himself up while attempting to kill the swarm of assassins storming his mansion.  In any case, it’s the best scene in the film.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Even though it’s the 80s, there is practically nil in the gay department, aside from the goofy and outlandish costumes.  The prettiest male in the picture has the hormones of a hound dog and is constantly trying to pick up the ladies, so I guess there’s just not much to report here.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

While EVERYONE in this film is shown to be shallow and generally bitchy, the women are still treated as objects.  There is no respect given to the females of Scarface, save for the fact that Michelle Pfeiffer’s Elvira is about the only main character to survive the film.

And damn, the 80s spared no one from looking stupid:

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Tony skulks at home, when an army of assassins come raiding.  Himself the only person left alive in the mansion, his future looking grim, Tony makes his last, cocaine-fed stand against a world seemingly against him.

“I’ll take you all to fuckin’ Hell!”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

The American Dream doesn’t involve cocaine.  And if you’re a greedy, obnoxious douche-bag, you’d better watch your back.

[THE CHECKLIST: 18 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

SAY ‘ELLO TO DEH 80S!

Scarface killcount

Scarface (1983)

Starring Al Pacino

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Pacino kills 26

Discuss

Scarface rights held by Universal Studios.

Road House 2: It’s Last Call To Be Nice And Take It Outside

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Road House 2 (2006): Breakdown by Rantbo

ROAD HOUSE, but set in Louisiana instead of Missouri, featuring drug dealers instead of extortionists and with one of the Buseys instead of Swayze.

[THE EXECUTION]

From the moment the title is revealed, you know you are in for 86 minutes of pure class and sophisticated fun as the words Road and House and the number 2 are proudly displayed over a giant bag of cocaine. (See above picture).

While the first Road House was a blend of Eastern and Western Action film styles, this film is just an 80 minute long, MMA fueled, stop-the-drug-dealing-terrorists, bare-knuckled, nut-crunching fun-ass Action flick–made twenty years too late.

Instead of wasting time with words, everyone in this film talks with their fists. There’s got to be at least one fight for every ten lines of dialogue and for some reason, when one car touches another car, they both explode. This film is pretty fun. The best part about it though, isn’t the gratuitous violence and nudity, but rather the simple fact that the filmmakers took the subject matter seriously. Which was surprising, as most would have tried to make it an intentional comedy to match the cult success of the first film’s unintentional laugh-riot fan status.  But, they actually passed and made it serious, which subsequently, made it almost as funny as the original. I was quite surprised.

It still falls short of part one in a couple of areas, though. First, the music is way worse. Instead of some retro blues-riffed classic 60s rock songs, we get a bunch of rap garbage and white-man’s hillbilly blues that made my ears vomit blood. And second, Dalton dies, off-screen and in the backstory by the gun of some Euro-trash drug dealer and a disgruntled bouncer. Boo! BOO! How are you going to play the legend of Swayze’s greatest performance like that? Shit, he appeared in DIRTY DANCING 2, and you’re telling me the filmmakers couldn’t even score a cameo? It couldn’t be that he was too hard to schedule around or asked for too much money. I mean shit, the guy’s most memorable role from the past 15 years was as a pederast in DONNIE DARKO. But, it doesn’t ruin the film, or anything.

Scheach does a better-than-expected son-of-Swayze performance and it’s easy to believe that he was once excreted from Dalton’s knife-scarred (I’m assuming) sack. The odd thing is though, if Dalton Jr. is supposed to be the same age as the actor playing him, it would mean that at the time of the original movie, 1989, that Jr. would have been 20 years old. Yet Dalton never mentioned his fully-grown offspring to anyone. My best guess is that Dalton Jr. must have been a test-tube baby. Which would make sense, as I think the first woman Dalton had sex with was Doctor White Snake, due to the awkwardness of their sex scene and obviously confused  state-of-mind he appears in post-coitus. That’s my theory.

Anyways, ROAD HOUSE 2 is a pretty good sequel and a damn good DTV movie. You don’t find too many of those, so if you’re a fan of part one, I recommend giving the sequel a chance. I think it will surprise you.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Johnathon Scheach is Shane Tanner is Dalton Jr.

“You as tough as your daddy was?”
“Opinions vary.”

-Within the first 15 minutes, he has already turned in his badge, as keeping it on would require that he answers to someone. And fuck that noise. Also, he wears his DEA shirt WHILE undercover.
-Much like his father, Jr. doesn’t fly, for the unspoken danger it would put on the other passengers. Just think of what would happen if, or rather WHEN a knife fight broke out a couple miles up? Another awesome movie. But we don’t have time for that now.
-Instead of practicing Tai Chi, Jr.’s a master of kickboxing. Much cooler.
-Outside of establishing his father’s rules for the staff, Jr. doesn’t preach any pussy-ass pacifism. Nope, he solves his problems by making others bleed.
-Gets kicked in the junk in nothing but his underwear, HARD, by a chick with pointed shoes. And not only does he stay on his feet, he walks it off and is all better in about a minute.
-Sadly, he doesn’t rip out anyone’s throat, but he does brutally beat down at least 5 men and sends one through a second story window, impaling him on a statue. That’s pretty much as good, in my opinion.

[THE BODY COUNT: 10]

Much like the first film, the count doesn’t get started until the third act. But it makes up for it very quickly, by doubling the original film’s total. The first 8 are your standard shoot-scream-fall over rapid-fire deaths, and the final two are the pay-off novelty kills. All of which, are scored by team Dalton Jr.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]

Jr.’s female love interest (former army) and Busey’s lead Henchwoman (former biker-dike) square off at the end of the picture in THE Best Chick-Fight I’ve even seen (well, aside from ABOVE THE LAW).

Ironically (or coincidentally), however you choose to see it, it all goes down in a kitchen. These two hell-cats kick the menstrual blood outta one-another, with more dirty moves and low-blows than all the male-on-male fights combined. It’s fantastic. The fight culminates when Jr.’s girlfriend is stabbed in the stomach by Henchwoman. Luckily, she contracted a BAMFSTD from Jr. and is able to pull the blade out, break it off at the handle, and stab Henchwoman right above her heart with it. All without crying and calling a man in to help her. Take that, bitch.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

During the opening scene, Jr. ditches a supermodel piece of ass because he has “…a job to do.” The poor girl is half naked and literally grinding her ass on his crotch, and he can’t be bothered to take a couple minutes out of his night to cum and run? What a fag. And I don’t mean that as a derogatory statement. Who knows where she’s been, a whore like that. Yuck. A lesser gay man would have been helpless against her sexual advances, but not the son of Dalton. No way. Later on though, it does appear as though Jr., might just be bi…

At first it appears that the only pussy Jr.’s interested in, is his uncle’s cat. But then he ends up hooking up with a sexy looking woman. Her name is Beau, pronounced Bo–as in Bo Jackson. A big, butch, black man. Maybe this is what attracted Jr. to her, or perhaps it could be the way that she fights like a man. Either way, one thing is for certain, it’s not because he finds her physically attractive.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

More punches and kicks are lobbed at women in this film than titties were shown in the first. Jr.’s girlfriend takes a Hellava beating by a pair of would-be rapists and Henchwoman gets more of the same from Uncle Nate. Not to say that there isn’t nudity. Far from it:

Strippers and Bitches!!!

Sherri the DEA agent (top left) helps Jr. bust some drug dealers at a strip-club during the opening scene, and afterward, continues playing the role like a bitch in heat. And it’s made clear that she isn’t Jr.’s girlfriend, so I’m left to assume that according to this movie, all professional woman are slutty horndogs that can’t wait for an opportunity to fuck their co-workers.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

After finding out that he was betrayed by one of his own bouncers, leading to the trashing of his bar and the vicious beat-downs of his loyal men, Jr. gets even. After calling the backstabber at home, to make sure where he is, Jr. surprises him by jumping into the house through a large window with the aid of a trashcan lid and tackles the bastard to the ground where he proceeded to punch him into submission.

The one liner goes to Dalton’s Bro, Nate (also never previously mentioned…). While being hunted down at the hospital, where the badguys sent him earlier, Nate grabs the Henchwoman and teaches her how to be a lady.

“Stab me once, shame on you. Stab me twice [Headbutt] not gonna happen.”

Knocks her bitch-ass out COLD.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Jake Busey is the new Gary Busey.

[THE CHECKLIST: 11 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[X] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Road House: Business In The Front, Party In The Back

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Road House (1989): Breakdown by Rantbo

WALKING TALL, but with a bunch more knife fights, dick punches and gratuitous female nudity. And instead of the good guys trying to put the bad guy’s bar out of business, it’s the other way around.

[THE EXECUTION]

From the moment the title is revealed, you know you are in for 114 minutes of pure class and sophisticated fun as the words Road and House are proudly displayed next to the perfect posterior of a hard-body club-slut as she steps out of Don Johnson’s car. I’m assuming that he stayed in the vehicle to finish doing bumps off the dash-board, as he isn’t in this picture.

ROAD HOUSE is like a modern day (and by that I mean 80s modern) western and it follows a lone hero that combines Eastern Philosophy and Martial Arts with a Western Setting and Hairstyle. It might not strike a cord with critics the way that MAGNIFICENT SEVEN or FISTFUL OF DOLLARS did, but I still think that it has a more dedicated and vocal fan base then most other combination East and West Action films. And in the end, that’s what really matters.

On top of Dalton being one of the greatest 80s action heroes (more on him the next section), Swayze’s nemesis in this flick, Brad Wesley (Ben Gazzara) is arguably one of the greatest unintentionally funny, yet still awesome bad-guys of the 1980’s. And I’m talkin’ THE KARATE KID, PART III’s Terry Silver kind-of awfully-awesome

Wesley throws lavish sexy-parties, drives with complete disregard for other people’s safety, extorts the poor townsfolk, beats his sex slave and employs no less than 7 monster-truck driving, hillbilly thugs, which even HE kicks the shit out of. In one of his best scenes, Wesley berates his goons for failing to kick Swayze’s ass and picks one seemingly at random to blame. His lackeys disgust him, because (and I’m paraphrasing here) they are “bleeders—messy bleeders” (which explains why he is not often seen around women) and to correct this he beats his men about the face, making them bleed their disgusting blood and performing his knee-to-groin technique of tough love. That’ll learn ‘em.

This movie is filled with pure 1980’s sexually unabashed American Win. It’s practically a 90 minute barfight at a gay nightclub on nickle-beer night. It’s so filled with machismo and un-cut fun, I think if you were to add the number of boobs shown, to the number of mullets, and multiply that number by the amount of knife fights and dick-punches and read the sum out loud–you’d enter nirvana on a winged horse and sporting a permanent rock-solid foot-long boner, while Little Richard sings you home to Shangri La.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Patrick Swayze is Dalton a.k.a. Miho

I Thought You’d Be Taller: A Dalton Biography

The Man
- Has A Perfectly Quaffed Mullet That Defies Wind, Water, Gravity and Round-House Kicks.
- Avid Smoker. This Is A Key Badass Trait. John McClane Smokes—I Rest My Case.
- Drives A Mercedes and Dresses Like He’s On MIAMI VICE.
- In College He Majored In Philosophy, In The Business World He Majors In Kicking Ass.
- Attracts Knife Fights Like Shit Attracts Flies.
- Gets Offered Pussy Like Tic-Tacs.
- A Master Of The Art Of Half-Naked Tai Chi.

The Medical Dossier

- 31 Broken Bones
- 2 Bullet Wounds
- 9 Puncture Wounds
- 4 Stainless Steel Screws
- 9 Staples
- And Bi-Monthly Electrolysis Since 1970—Call It An Educated Guess.

The Philosopher
- “My Way—Or The Highway.”
- “It’ll Get Worse Before It Gets Better.”
- “Nobody EVER Wins A Fight.”
- “The Ones Who Go Looking For Trouble Are Not Much Of A Problem To Someone Who’s Ready For Them.”
- “Give Me The Biggest Guy In The World, You Smash His Knee, He’ll Drop Like A Stone.”
- “Pain Don’t Hurt.” (My Favorite)

The Rules
#1. Never Underestimate Your Opponent, Expect The Unexpected.
#2. Take It Outside. Never Start Anything Inside The Bar Unless It’s Absolutely Necessary.
#3. Be Nice—Until It’s Time To NOT Be Nice. And Only Dalton Knows When This Is.
(Thankfully, this ends up being once every 10 minutes)

The Known Weaknesses
- Doesn’t Fly—It’s Too Dangerous (I Assume That This Statement Was Half A Sentence, The Rest Of It Being “…For The Other Passengers”)
- Combat Knives
- Uber-Tan Bleached Blondes.
- And He Is Physically Unable To Wear A Shirt For Longer Than 5 Minutes Of Consecutive Screen-time.

The Legend
- He Once Ripped A Guys Throat Out In Memphis.
- Has Bawls Big Enough To Cum In A Dumptruck. (Read As: FILL UP a dumptruck)
- You Fuck With Him And He’ll Seal Your Fate.

[THE BODY COUNT: 5 FOR CERTAIN, 2 MOST LIKELY]

This movie is all about only-when-necessary beat-downs. But when Dalton’s lover, Sam Elliot, gets his chest penetrated by a knife, Dalton goes fuckin’ apeshit and starts killin’ bitches. He starts his mini-massacre by taking out the penultimate villain in one of the BEST fight sequences ever (discussed in the following section) and he goes on to take out 2 more for certain with a knife and another 2 are assumed dead, but you don’t see it happen. The final kill goes down as a team effort, which you can read about in the EPIC MOMENT section below.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Enter the Jimmy. The Darth Vader to Wesley’s Emperor—if Darth Vader were gay and knew kung-fu. Which as a side thought, would have been awesome. I digress. Jimmy is the pay-off bad guy, as Wesley’s demise has more than just Dalton’s inner peace at stake. So knowing this, the filmmakers give us a man that can fight Dalton and actually stand a chance.  He even looks like Dalton‘s Evil Twin. Dalton has a straight blonde-colored mullet, Jimmy has a curly brunette one. Dalton has an allergy to wearing shirts, Jimmy wears his with only the bottom button closed. Dalton has Hottie-Doc, Jimmy has gay shark-tooth necklace—OK, I don’t really get that one either, but the point is, these two were born to do battle with one another.

~Do You Really Want To Hurt—Me?~

It all goes down at night, right after Jimmy blows up Dalton’s friend’s house and it becomes apparent that the time to NOT be nice is upon us. A laughing Jimmy is tackled by a shirtless (of course) Dalton off of his motor bike and onto a patch of sand down by the river. The fight that ensues is one of the most fantastic and homoerotic showdowns in Badass Cinema. The two punch and round-house one another for 3 minutes and Jimmy’s true nature for all his pent-up rage is unveiled as he drops his famous one-liner: “I used to fuck guys like you in prison!” Yikes. Dalton prevails though by using his cunning cat-like kung-fu, crunching Jimmy’s split legs against a tree and crushing his testicles like fortune cookies with an upper-cut dick-punch he learned from Sam Elliot. This clearly signifies Dalton as the winner—but not so fast! Jimmy The Queer is a coward and pulls a gun. Apparently guns have the same effect on Dalton that red capes have on bulls, ‘cuz Dalton’s nose flares as he kicks the gun out of Jimmy’s hand, rushes him and, using an eagle-claw hand maneuver—RIPS OUT HIS FUCKING THROAT, KICKS HIM INTO THE LAKE AND SCREAMS IN BLOODLUST: “WESLEY—WESLEY, FUCK YOU!!!”

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

“OK, Dalton! I’ve always wanted to try you!”

“Your ass is mine, boy!”

“I used to fuck guys like you in prison!”

A Whore: “Why won’t you look me in the eye, Dalton?”
Dalton: “I’m shy.”
A Whore: “Would you be shocked if I said, “Let’s go to my place and fuck”? It ain’t gonna kill you. You know, you might even like it.”

Somehow, I don’t think so. Dalton does, at one point, have sex with Kelly Lynch. But, I think it was just because he mistook her for the lead singer of White Snake.

In Order To Tell These Two Apart, One Of Them Is Gonna Have To Wear A Sombrero…

Afterward, he sits outside in the moonlight, naked, contemplating his obvious mistake. As Dalton is so gay, he actually turns otherwise heterosexual men gay, just by looking at them stoically. And when he takes off his shirt, oils his chest and does tai chi?–forget about it. Dalton: Women want him–Men want him more.

Also, you get to see Swayze’s dick as he runs and jumps into the filthy river outside his house to fuck it out in front of his neighbor with White Snake. And I think, if you look closely, you can actually see the body of Jimmy still floating in the background.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

“That gal’s got entirely too many brains to have an ass like that.”
But we know that Kelly Lynch is smart, because she wears a pair of comically large glasses and glasses add +1 intelligence.

Dalton’s braising machismo and rock-hard 6-pack end up enticing Hottie-Doc to eventually date him and follow him around the third act disapproving of everything he does that initially turned her on about him. You know, normal girlfriend shit. But she does show her titties after he bangs her against a cobble-stone fireplace, so there is that. And she isn’t alone. In fact, if there isn’t a fight in progress (and sometimes, even when there is), there are usually at least one pair of titties somewhere on screen and in focus for hetero male pleasure. It’s nice to know that the filmmakers also thought of the straight guys that might be interested in seeing the movie. All two of us.

Aside from all the playful female nudity, there is a dark side to the film as well. The main villain Wesley has his trophy sex-toy beaten purple for trying to pull the sword out of the stone that is Dalton’s unwavering homosexuality. Later, after hard learned lessons have healed up, Wesley has her dance (fuck air) on stage in front of the staff of the Double Deuce–I assume to gross them out.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Stalking through Wesley’s room of safari death, Dalton hides as Wesley enters the room and delivers THE gayest line in the movie: “I see you’ve found my trophy room, Dalton—the only thing that’s missing—is your ass.” And I didn’t think you could out-gay the prison fucking line, but kudos to the screenwriter. Wesley proceeds to insult Dalton’s memory of Sam Elliot and THEN tries and bribe him! The last pathetic act of a desperate man.

Finally, the fight breaks out and it is super unfair as Dalton has been beaten and shot. I mean COME ON, maybe if Dalton has lost a leg or two, Wesley could have stood a chance, but no way could he have actually hope to beat him. Dalton whips his ass and for some reason or another Hottie-Doc shows up just in time to watch Dalton finally repent his throat-ripping ways in giving the old man mercy. But this is the eighties so, of course, Wesley pulls a gun and in the craziest turn of events, is riddled with off-screen fired buckshot by all the key members of the pissed off townsfolk. I swear man, Wesley’s button-down shirt must have been made of Kevlar as it takes them four–got that FOUR!–rounds of shotgun blasts to bring the bastard down. A grizzly bear hopped up on pcp would have gone down quicker! But, it’s probably for the best that Wesley finally crapped out as he was bleeding everywhere. And as we well know, Wesley despises bleeders.

There are plenty of good lines in this one, and while I love “Pain don’t hurt.” I think I have to go with an often over looked gem of badassitude:

Some Dumb Skank: “You got a name?”
Dalton: “Yeah.”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

You fuck with Dalton, he’ll seal your intestinal-track.

[THE CHECKLIST: 16 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[Road House 2]
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Hey Everybody! It’s Keith David!

Police Story 1: Showdown At The Shopping Maul

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Police Story a.k.a. Ging chat goo si (1985): Breakdown by Rantbo

Jackie Chan is a cop, fights drug dealers.

[THE EXECUTION]

The thing about Jackie Chan is, he is almost always playing the same character. Not to say that he can’t act, quite the contrary, but he does often end up playing a slightly stretched version of himself. Which, to be fair, could be said about most action heroes. But, with Jackie, it’s a little different. There’s a reason the most of his films released in America get dubbed and refer to his character as Jackie. And it’s not just because the movie studios releasing them are all fuck-ass retards. It’s because he rarely ever shows range outside of the lovable Buster Keaton-esque unassuming goofball. And don’t get me wrong, I love Jackie Chan for this reason, and I’ve only seen around 20 of his 100 or so movies. But judging by the last 20-25 years, I think my assumption is a safe one.

Anyways, I bring all this up, because POLICE STORY seems to be the most glaring exception to the rule-of-Chan. His role is much darker than most of his other flicks and subsequently makes (at least this entry of the series) a great stand-out feature.

The Action is top-notch and incredibly intense, exciting and brutal. And all for good reason–it’s fucking real. No wires, no stunt doubles* and no pussy-ass CG. Just Jackie Chan, his stunt team and a shitload of hospital visits. You know, the way it should be.

Jackie made this film right after completing his American “debut” failure, THE PROTECTOR. Rather than go into why you’ve probably never heard of it (I’ll leave that for it’s own breakdown), I’ll just say, Jackie was less than pleased with the outcome. So, he decided to film a celluloid ‘Fuck You!’ to the people responsible for managing to mess up a Jackie Chan action film. Something pretty hard to do when you have Jackie Chan as your star. So, yeah. POLICE STORY is great. The plot is simple, yet not stupid. The action is phenomenal. The sets are crazy detailed and highly destructible. And Jackie Chan is in his prime. Sure, his prime lasted 20 years, but still. I think that with this entry he began his golden era of an insane stretch of great movies. My only complaint with this one being a slapstick routine revolving around Jackie answering a bunch of phones that seemed out of place and WAY too long. I think it would have played great in a more light-hearted film, but here, it just seems wrong.  But, it’s nothing 10 seconds of FF can’t fix. So, even if you’re not into Jackie, I recommend checking this one out. It’s an action classic and has been ripped off a ton by modern action directors (Brett Ratner, Michael Bay), so it will help you expose them further for the hacks they are.

*The scene in which Chan drives the motorcycle through the glass display cases, it’s not Jackie. But, only because Jackie wasn’t experienced in driving one.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Jackie Chan is Inspector Chan Ka Kui

I have a feeling that most of the [How Bad Ass…] sections of my Jackie Chan movie breakdowns are going to be pretty re-hashed and short. This is because Jackie is simply one of, if not THE, best action star. I can’t think of anyone who risked their ass more for the sake of action entertainment. The guy is a god damn marvel.

As for the character, Chan kicks the shit out of at least 30 guys. Dives a car literally THROUGH a village. Hangs off a speeding bus with an umbrella. He kidnaps his superior officer. Drives a motorcycle through a mall. And he jumps 8 feet out and 70 feet down an electrified pole. In my opinion, this is the most badass character Jackie has ever played, and will play 3 more times.

[THE BODY COUNT: SIX]

In the opening shootout, 5 cops are shot down and presumed dead. And one pants-pissing officer manages to score a single point for Team HK Police. Not impressive AT ALL–But, the sheer amount of asses kicked in this movie, not only make up for the dismal bodycount, it’s actually more satisfying. Watching a nameless goon get his ass handed to him by Jackie and then writhe around in agony on a pile of broken glass, is WAY better than if he had simply been shot and left for dead.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

In a scene that would give Dirty Harry a boner, Jackie unloads his frustrations on the main villain, his lawyer and his associate. Chan smashes the one guy’s glasses into his face. He uppercuts the lawyer’s balls, then his face sending him into a display case. And then he tenderizes the main villain’s mid-section with a fury of punches while his fellow officers hold the bastard in place. The stupid chief redeems himself by saying he saw nothing and Chan finishes the drug lord off by kicking him into a shopping cart and sending him through another display case. The film ends as Chan’s friends hold him back from fighting further.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Jackie is constantly talking and flirting with women, so no dice. He does show his ass, however. Enjoy.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Jackie Chan slaps a bitch. And then makes to spit in her face–but doesn’t, because he is a gentleman. Later, the same woman comes to his aid and is punished for it by getting body slammed into not one, but two glass display cases.

Jackie’s girlfriend also takes some licks, as she is shoved down a flight of stairs and then right afterward, kicked down another. And here’s what Chan had to say about her earlier on:
“She’s such a narrow-minded kid… If I cared to sweet-talk, I could have a hundred girls.”

Then a little bit later, me mocks a phone conversation with her, to save face in front of the female witness he’s guarding. Not knowing that she is actually in the room and listening to everything he’s saying:
“Stop crying. You should have behaved yourself. God forbid I ever guard a man. You’d think I was gay! Go reflect on your faults. You need to promise to control your temper and show me some respect in front of my friends.” Granted that last part was said as an act, but still, that’s some pretty chauvinistic shit.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

This one needs to be seen.

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Police Story copyright held by Golden Harvest

[Jackie puts a shard of glass to the villain’s throat]
Fellow Cops: “Drop the weapon! We’ll take it from here. The law will take care of it!”
Chan: “THE LAW!? There is no justice! The law is on his side!”
Fellow Cop: “Don’t do anything foolish!”
Chan: “I could kill him right now and never bat an eye!

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

If there were 99 more Jackie Chans, there would be no crime in China.

[THE GIST OF JACKIE: 5 outta 5]

[X] Breaks Into Someplace Or Escapes By Way Of Acrobatics
[X] Has An Annoying Tag-Along Companion
[X] Makes The ‘OW!’ Face And/Or Rubs A Soar Spot
[X] Performs A Ridiculously Dangerous Stunt
[X] Uses A Random Object To Defend Himself

[THE CHECKLIST: 19 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[X] Tis The Season [Christmas]
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[Police Story: Part II]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

I SAW THAT SKIPPER DOLL FIRST, MOTHER FUCKER!

Push: Push It REAL Good. Dunt-DA-duntduntdunt-Dump-DA…

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Push (2009): Breakdown by Rantbo

The X-Men comic’s ‘WEAPON X’ storyline, but instead of Wolverine, we follow two young Jean Greys and the Human Torch.

[THE EXECUTION]

I refused to see this one in the theater, based purely on the rating. I don’t pay for PG-13 unless it’s something BIG, (THE DARK KNIGHT, INDIANA JONES, etc.) But I was still intrigued by the trailer and I made note to watch it on DVD. As I had yet to see a good “mutant” movie, what with the X-Men movies sucking sack and the TV show HEROES being borderline unwatchable. But, good news, someone has succeeded.

PUSH takes the elements from some of the best story-arcs of the late-80s/early-90s X-Men comics and tells a nice little adventure/mystery story about young people coping with the troubles of being different: hunted, imprisoned, killed, etc. for what makes them special. It’s essentially, the story that the original X-Men movie should have been, before Fox fucked it up and made it into a mess about Wolverine and his sidekick, Halle Berry. But, enough about that cow-flop of a franchise.

What really sells the borderline-stolen story of PUSH, are the characters and the actors playing them. Chris Evans is one handsome and charismatic dude, despite usually appearing in god-awful garbage and Dakota Fanning is still the best American actress under 40. Yeah, I said it.

I know she’s good, because unlike all the other kid actors (Abigail Breslin, Haley Joel Osment, Jake Lloyd) I’ve never felt like kicking her down a flight of stairs. Though–I didn’t watch CAT IN THE HAT or that chick flick with Brittany Murphy. But, whatever. How that chubby girl got nominated for doing a goofy dance, when Dakota hasn’t been, after a dozen great performances, is beyond my understanding.

The abilities/powers are done very well, and a bunch are represented, explained and shown; all without ever making the movie feel bloated with too much info or secondary characters. Like SPIDER-MAN 3 was. And while there is a little voice-over and some for-the-audience explanatory dialogue sequences, the filmmakers made sure to SHOW us the story as much as possible. Which was nice for a change.

My only real gripe with the movie was that the story lags a little in the second act. But, other than that, the action is fast paced and more importantly, well shot. The story is dark, and the filmmakers take it seriously. Unlike FANTASTIC FOUR. And overall, everything combined, it’s a tight little super-powered people flick. I highly recommend it if, like me, you think most superhero movies are crap, but still hold out hope for a good one. PUSH is just that, at least in my opinion.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Chris Evans is Nick Gant and Dakota Fanning is Cassie Holmes

Nick lives in Hong Kong, so naturally, he’s equipped with duel .44’s, which he uses in telekinetic battles with other “Movers”. He gets beaten, almost to death, a couple times and keeps on jumping back in the proverbial ring, for more. Though somewhat reluctant (at least initially), he’s a good guy and I found it very easy to root for him.

Cassie’s 13, but she’s been told she looks 14 and I foresee finding her attractive at around 17. Call it a “watchers” intuition.  She’s clever, resourceful, determined and a smartass. And against my pre-watching assumptions, she never really turned into the damsel in distress and I actually ended up liking her. Especially when she got hammered and started berating the other girl on the team for being the bane of all their problems.

[THE BODY COUNT: 30 FOR CERTAIN , 8 POTENTIALS & A BUNCH OF FISH]

The good guys rack up a rather thrilling (for a PG-13, Superhero movie) 7 kills. But it’s the bad guys that do most of the damage, as they are divided amongst themselves and end up fighting one-another, civil war style. They kill each other off with bullets, mind-bullets (that’s telekinesis, Kyle!) and mind projecting various sharp objects into one-another’s vital organs. The left over 8 are the bodies of the Asian stunt team that were tossed around like rag dolls, but never shown lifeless enough to confirm their deaths.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]

I’m going to go with the penultimate villain, Victor Budarin. Little is known about the man, but he’s basically Chow Yun-Fat’s worst nightmare. The guy deflects a thousand or so bullets, all while systematically fucking up an entire Hong Kong stunt team with his telekinesis. His only apparent weakness is other ‘Movers’.  Nick and Vic showdown in a warehouse, bludgeoning one another with psychic-power enhanced punches, kicks and head butts. The two men trade blow for blow until one of the Asian gangster guys interrupts with a psychic scream that would rival the Michael Jackson video, and he turns Vic’s brains into soft-serve ice-cream.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Chris Evans is a hunk, but the only time he takes off his shirt is when a pretty woman is mending his wounds. Then later, he has sex with a younger, even better looking female. What a waste.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

At one point, one of the bad-guy agents gets into a battle of the sexes with Camilla Belle in a bathroom. She takes some heavy hits, but comes out victorious in the end. But, I knew she would, as after all, she was Seagal’s daughter in THE PATRIOT. He’d be proud.

Then of course there is the Asian girl, who shames her father by no fault of her own, but gets bitch slapped just the same for not being born a male.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

I really enjoyed the shootout between Nick and Vic in the restaurant. They use their powers to levitate guns around the room blasting round after round at one another. It’s no Tea House scene from HARD BOILED, but it’s still cooler than I expected.

There’s not much for one-liners, but, despite myself, I did enjoy the following exchange.

Pop Girl [holding a gun to Cassie]: “Stupid child. I already saw you die.”
Cassie: “Then you know it’s not here, and it’s not today.”

It’s kinda sad that the most badass thing said in the film was by a skinny little girl. But I assure you, it’s still a pretty kick-ass film.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Getting pushed, makes you wanna…

[THE CHECKLIST: 11 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[  ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[  ] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Next Stop—Stripping On Letterman.