Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children Complete

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children Complete (2009) Breakdown by Kain424

Cloud Strife and the rest of AVALANCHE have to get over all their emotional baggage in order to once again save the world from a life destroying threat.  Moping, philosophizing, and physics-defying action ensue.

[THE EXECUTION]

Where to start?  Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children Complete (ok, I’m calling it ACC from now on) isn’t really meant as your typical “director’s cut” of a film (in this case, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children), but rather a replacement.  It’s an upgrade.  And if you haven’t seen Advent Children, just go on ahead and skip it and get ACC instead.  The film exists to better explain what the hell’s going on and in a prettier format.  And with a bunch more Action.

Taking place two years after the events of the original game, this entry mostly takes place in a city built from scrap on the outside of Midgar.  The city, gray and sprawling, is called Edge.  While at first seeming to offer the prospect of hope and rebuilding, is soon shown to have an underbelly of sickness and depression.  This, of course, will be a running theme throughout the film.  Nearly every character is striving toward the fulfillment of some kind of basic goal, but each are hindered in their own ways, mostly due to past indescretions.

What this movie offers most of all is immense amounts of fan service.  It’s certainly great to see parts of this universe again, even if it’s mostly just around Midgar.  The world remains quite true to itself, and the familiar faces of Reno, Rude and others are only helped by the groundbreaking visuals.

I’ve heard people saying ACC is hard for the uninitiated to get into, and they’re right.  But then again, this film wasn’t made for them.  This is essentially the fifth story in the series and if you’re not willing to go through Before Crisis (admittedly, this one’s hard to get to and sit through), Crisis Core, Final Fantasy VII, and On The Way To A Smile, you deserve to feel lost when starting this one up.  ACC has a lot of exposition for the newbies, but if you don’t know anything about the FFVII universe, it’s not going to help a whole lot.

That said, the movie is a remarkable blast.  It’s violent, silly, fun, gratuitous fan service that puts a smile on my face.  The acting isn’t always up to par, but the visuals sure are.  This is one of my favorite films, actually, but I can’t really recommend it to anyone not already familiar with Final Fantasy in general or the adventures of Cloud and company in particular.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

The Good Guys

Cloud Strife

He’s one of the few people to ever engage Sephiroth and still be alive today.  While he may be a bit mopey at times, he is the sort to pull through in the end.  And besides, let’s see how well you fair after being puppeted into watching your friends die and after thinking you’ve saved the world then find out everyone is slowly dying painfully anyway.

He’s got a big-ass sword (that comes apart in smaller, but still big, swords), a bad-ass motorbike, and superhuman strength.  He’s pretty bad-ass, with emphasis on the word pretty.

From left to right, back row then front:

Yuffie Kisaragi, Cid Highwind, Tifa Lockheart, Vincent Valentine, Barret Wallace, Marlene, Cait Sith, Nanaki

The gang’s all here and in some damn good shape, too.  Whatever they lack in a one-on-one fight, they more than make up for in team power.  Watching them take on a summoned demon-god is one of the many highlights of this film.  Marlene may be a little kid, but she’s also wise beyond her years.

Denzel

The new kid on the block.  He’s sick and suffering for much of the film, but also finds within himself the strength to help out some innocent civilians.  He’s cool for a kid.

Reno and Rude

These guys are pretty fun.  They’re mostly here for comic relief, but they are more than able to hold their own in the end fight sequence.  Also, being able to survive a helicopter crash and still go on fighting is quite impressive in my book.

The Bad Guys

The Silver-Haired Men: Yazoo, Kadaj, Loz

These guys are odd and, unless you’ve read On The Way To A Smile, largely unexplained.  They are remnants of Sephiroth, each one possessing familiar traits of the late great insane warrior.  Kadaj is the leader of the group, possessing the most drive and skill, but all are pretty much equally creepy.  They mostly serve as a set up to the film’s main villain:

Sephiroth

In the film’s great “Oh Shit” moment, the long-haired one returns to deal out malicious intent with a vengeance.  ACC succeeds in some ways better than the original game, by making him actually pretty terrifying.  He’s extremely powerful and a far more efficient fighter than Cloud.  By giving us a villain that makes us believe Cloud might actually lose, I’d say Sephiroth is easily bad-ass and one of the best things going for the movie.

[THE BODY COUNT: Around 5 At The Very Least; But Maybe 50]

There’s plenty of blood, but the bodycount is actually pretty low on this one.  I guess that’s what you get for your CGI dollar.  A couple bad guys blow themselves up, a young boy dies (offscreen), as does a demi-god and his “remnant”.  There are some people that may or may not get killed by ravaging shadow monsters, but I can’t be sure.  Then there is the part where Bahamut Sin blasts the center of Edge City with its magic breath or something.  Lots of people died there, I think.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING AND DEATH]

The final half hour.  All of it.  Here are some caps:

Motorcycle vs. Helicopter

Rude With A Bazooka

Cloud vs. Sephiroth… Again!

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Aside from the choice to make nearly every character look as feminine as CGI allows before giving them breasts, there’s actually not a lot of gay subtext here.  The men do seem to bond in pairs while the women are rarely seen all that much, but there’s just not a lot for us here.  Then again, one particularly brutal swordfight does in fact end with one pretty man being held in another pretty man’s arms…

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

For a Japanese film, there is a surprisingly little amount of misogyny in this one.  Sure, Tifa seems to work as a barmaid and as Cloud’s personal answering service, but don’t forget that she owns that bar (The 7th Heaven) and is basically the one keeping Cloud in line all the time.  Also, the film’s signature fight scene is between Tifa and Loz, the strongest of the Silver-Haired Men.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

The epic moment occurs near the end, after it seems Cloud has won the day.  Kadaj gets what he’s been after for the entire film: the remains of Jenova.  As he begins absorbing these remains, Cloud makes his move to land the final blow.  Cloud’s blade halts in mid-air, and he is face to face, once again, with his old adversary Sephiroth.

The one-liner comes next, from Sephiroth, who with chilling calmness mixed with a suppressed evil glee, intones: “Good to see you again… Cloud.”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Let go of the mistakes of the past if you want to make a better future.

[THE CHECKLIST: 14 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[  ] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[  ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel [Final Fantasy VII: Dirge Of Cerberus]
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Ouch.

Bond Breakdown #03: Goldfinger (1964)

[THE CLASSIFIED INTEL]

Goldfinger (1964): Bond Breakdown by Rantbo

The Bank of England contacts MI:6 with a request that they investigate a gold dealer they suspect of smuggling and stockpiling large amounts of bullion. They want to know why, and how, he is transporting said gold overseas. So of course, top agent James Bond 007 is chosen for the job and he is soon to discover that this time, the stakes are higher than they have ever been.

[THE BOND SONG AND CREDITS SEQUENCE]

Before delving into the credits, I think it’s worth mentioning a few things about the action-packed pre-credits sequence. Filled with top-notch espionage and ass-kickery; featuring a giant explosion, a beautiful girl and a brutal fight with a would be assassin, the third Bond installment hits the ground running. The sequence is as thrilling as it is funny and though it seemingly has nothing to do with the rest of the story’s plot, it kind of does…

By making that girl a human shield, Bond (in a way) creates the first of many anti-feminine undertones that snowball from this point. Also, with this sequence the filmmakers begin a trend in showing us that Bond and the girl had previously been together. This marks the first pre-credits sequence that could be considered the END to a previous, un-shot 007 adventure. We the audience get to join Bond at the closing end of another mission BEFORE getting to the one that we paid to see. Bonus. How cool is that!? Answer: Very.

Several female models squirm and wriggle in full golden body paint to, in my opinion, the best theme song in the 20+ film history. Not my favorite, mind, but it is just too well done and catchy to not be considered the crème of the crop. Shirley Bassey wailing “Go-wld Fing-Gar!” over John Barry’s score gives me chills and I find myself humming the tune for days after listening to it. You know you have a good song when the album sells enough copies to outshine the Beatles on the charts and go—dare I say?—Gold. The theme and credits of this film solidified the tradition and set the bar for all the following. It’s solid gold, baby.

[BOND—JAMES, BOND (SEAN CONNERY)]

Body Bags Filled [6] Bedpost Notches [2 for certain, 2 implied]

When we join him post credits, Bond is staying at a prestigious hotel in Miami, recuperating from his opening scene mission by bathing in the primordial stew of beautiful people. We find out though Bond’s buddy Felix, who crashes the scene, that it was M who sent James to the hotel for business, under the guise of vacation (dick move). It seems as though Bond is starting to take his job a little more serious. Rather than disappearing off the grid, much to the chagrin of M and MI:6, he is taking his holiday’s through the organization. This is the first of several character traits appearing in 007 that show his growth as a gentleman spy.

Another comes up while James is tailing Goldfinger’s car via transmitter. All is going as planned, until a beautiful girl happens into the scenario. Speeding past his car, Bond gets giddy as a schoolboy at the opportunity of sexual pursuit, but hesitates and tells himself out loud, “Dischipline 007, dischipline.” —

Who is this man, and what did he do to James!? It is these subtle tweaks and changes in his personality and habits that keep the character interesting and worth watching like a hawk.

GOLDFINGER catches Connery at his best, in his prime and having the time of his life. And it shows in his performance. Connery plays Bond with his usual comedic lighthearted touch, but this time it is accented with a more relaxed easy-going feel. My favorite performance of Connery as Bond, the man even makes golf intriguing. Now that’s charisma. Though he had played Bond for two years, it is clear that this is the film where Sean became him. And the world joined in.

[THE BOND VILLAINS]

Michael Mellinger is Kisch

Goldfinger’s second best man is often overlooked and  forgotten, overshadowed by that other henchman. Kirsch seems to carry out the military aspects of Goldfinger’s operation. Other than that, not much is known of the man. I only really felt the need to mention him in this review as he had a name and managed to procure the single most kills. Also, Bob Simmons gave him one hellova farewell dive.

Harold Sakata as Oddjob

Oddjob—putting the MAN in manservant. Named for his various talents at completing random dastardly tasks, his number one ‘odd job’ seems to be killing off gorgeous ladies—yes, he’s kind of an asshole. The man says nothing, but never has to. A mere grunt and a lumbering shuffle and the character is sold. While he is not the first to have a peculiar physical trait, (Dr. No’s hands) he is the first to make them memorable. With his shit-brick house frame, incredible strength and deadly throwing hat, he is a force to be reckoned with.

Also worth mentioning, the filmmakers decided to give him his own theme music. An eerie ~Bum, Ding!—Ding!—Ding!~ plays whenever he is revealed on screen. Not that he needed  it, as I’m sure everyone was already watching his every move (I know I was), the tune is still classic and almost rivals Bond’s own guitar cords. As far as henchmen go, this Oddjob was worth doing, and done right.

Gert Fröbe as Auric Goldfinger

Arguably the Best Bond Villain of all time, Goldfinger is absolutely diabolical. He starts the film as a mere cheat at cards and golf and ends up being a criminal mastermind and a completely heartless bastard. The definition of megalomaniacal, Goldfinger redefined the role of the Bond Villain by adding an amazing sense of size and scope to the average everyday thief and practically invented the ‘Evil Monologue’ and ‘Over-The-Top’ presentation of  mad genius.

With a moral barometer permanently buried left of the middle, Goldfinger is a sight to behold. Not only does he show no sign of hesitation or remorse to the thought of killing over 60,000 people for the baseline purpose of increasing the value of his gold stockpile, he has also convinced a veritable army of goons that are willing to participate, fully knowing the outcome. Now THAT’S power.

It is appropriate that the film is named after this character as he completely owns every second he is in it. Which is saying a lot as I believe that every performance in this flick is fantastic. Maibaum and Dehn’s screenplay combined with Michael Collins’ voice and Fröbe’s performance, Goldfinger inspired a generation of evildoers and for good reason. He is, in a word: Perfect.

[THE BOND GIRLS]

Nadja Regin as Bonita

Very little is know about this pre-credits femme fatale, other than she is not to be trusted. Shortly after blowing up a massive compound, James spots her at a nearby bar, dancing seductively for a small group of eager gentlemen. Upon hearing the explosion, Bonita rushes from the dive and is next seen bathing in Bond’s hotel room. It’s quite clear the two share some history, but just before it repeats itself (the history), the couple is interrupted by a would be assassin working in cahoots with Bonita. Bond narrowly avoids his attacker as he sees the traitorous deceit in her eyes, literally…

Quick thinking, Bond uses her as a human shield, and throws her unconscious body to the floor. After disposing of his attacker, 007 collects his things and heads for the door, leaving the confused and sore Bonita to wallow in her defeat and shame. And it’s the last we ever see or hear of her. But—was it the first?

Upon further research, I discovered that Nadja Regin is no newcomer to the Bond universe. She was also Ali Kerim Bay’s sex-starved lover in FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE.

Now, so far as I know, she was never given a name within FRWL. The little we know about her character, was that she seemed to be genuinely in love with Kerim. So, I pose the question: Is Bonita Kerim Bay’s girlfriend? Was she so distraught over his death, that she tracked down Bond and seduced him into a trap for revenge of her lover’s death? We may never know, but it is an interesting proposition, is it not?

Margaret Nolan as Dink (and also one of the opening credits models)

Bond: Dink, meet Felix Leiter.
Dink: Hello.
Bond: Felix, say hello to Dink.
Felix: HI—Dink.
Bond: Dink, say goodbye to Felix.
Dink: Hmm?
Bond: Mmm—man talk. ~PTSH~

Shirley Eaton and Tania Mallet as Jill and Tilly Masterson, respectively

A sister sandwich I would love to slide my pickle into. Crude chauvinism aside, these girls represented far more than just the ideal female physical condition, they also represent two different aspects of women’s liberation. And both are grotesquely killed for it. Welcome to the 60s!

Aside from the Gun Barrel POV shot, Shirley Eaton’s impeccable body is arguably the most recognizable image from the film series. Though her role in the film was very small, you can show pretty much anyone that iconic image of her on that hotel bed, covered in gold, and have it be recognized immediately. While her character was simply someone who helped Goldfinger cheat at cards, her downfall, like so many other ladies, was succumbing to Bond’s charm. She helps him humiliate Goldfinger, before jumping into the sack with J.B.. Jilly gets to spend one lovely day with 007 before being punished for her actions by being painted entirely with gold and left unconscious to die by skin suffocation on the very bed she came to know God on. That’s what you get for betraying your man, ladies. Tsk Tsk.

T.M. is for Tilly Masterson and V is for Vendetta. Pissed at the grisly murder of her sister, this Bond babe is out for blood and rightfully so. Problem is, this girl is all passion and no payoff. She knows what she wants, but is unable to achieve it. Her plan comes apart time and time again as she keeps bumping into Bond. Twice she is stopped in the line of duty by James and thrice she fails at her objective of getting to Goldfinger first. Tilly’s story is by far the most tragic aspect of the film. Shortly after joining Bond in a riveting getaway sequence, her luck is improving as it looks like she will team up with James in bringing down the bad guy. But—sadly, this is not the case. Bond underestimates Goldfinger’s henchmen and Tilly gets her neck broke in the process. This is what happens when you try and take on a man for revenge, ladies. Tsk Tsk.

The sisters’ tale is indeed a tragic one and brought a great degree of mystery and suspense to the film. I shall remember them always.

Honor Blackman as Pussy Galore

On top of from having the most renowned name in the Bond Girl stable, Pussy is THE kick ass Bond girl. Showing up late in an already amazing Bond entry, Pussy proved that Bond girls could be more than just eye-candy. Unlike Jill Masterton, Pussy is not just another one of Goldfinger’s floozies. A trained martial artist and world class pilot, Pussy leads a group of all-female aviators, that call themselves ‘Pussy Galore’s Flying Circus’. I believe that James says it best, ‘I musht be dreaming.’

Pussy shows up several times in the film, always catching Bond in an act of tom-foolery and for some messed up reason he is always glad to see her. “Poo-she!“ She holds him at gun point, knocks him around with her judo skills, and after a romp in some hay, decides to help James monkey-wrench Goldfinger’s plan by alerting the CIA and switching out the deadly toxic canisters on her planes with something that isn’t. What a gal. Honor Blackman oozes sex like a sponge contraceptive and brought about a tinge of class, beauty and grace to difficult-to-take-serious role, solidifying Miss Galore as a classic cinematic sex-pot and memorable entry to Bond’s stable of easily-forgettable floozies. She could judo-chop my ass any day.

[THE BEST BOND-AID]

With the FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE briefcase of badassery a huge success, the producers decided to up the ante and took it to the limit:

(and what modifications they are…)

-Windscreen, Bulletproof
– Revolving License Plates
– Radar Screen
– Extending Hubcap Tire Slashers
– Exploding Sun Roof With Passenger-Side Ejector Seat (No Joke)
– Extendable Rear Bulletproof Shield
– Twin Browning Machine-gun Turrets
– Rearward Defense Smoke and Oil Slick Sprayers

And those are just the features used in the film. The prop department also installed:
– Radar Scanner, Hidden In The Wing Mirror
– A Hidden Car Phone In The Glovebox
– A Hidden Gun Tray Under The Driverside Seat
– A Device That Dropped Nails Out The Rear Headlight
– And Front and Back Extendable Ramming Rods

The Aston Martin  is an icon of automotive craftsmanship. And God damn is it a gorgeous chunk of metal. It’s sleek style and flashy design quickly made it the most famous car in cinematic history. And what is a car without it’s creator? Desmond Llewelyn returns as Brittan’s top quartermaster, Q.

His role enlarged, we are given a tour of his laboratory and birthplace of Bondian gadget lore. Bond, of course, immediately thinks of using Q’s inventions to serve his sex life and Q quickly tires of Bond’s overly-confident know-it-all attitude. And, thus begins the mock nemeses relationship of Bond and Q. Bond finds Q’s briefing a bore and Q finds Bond’s apathy for instructions irritating. Like an old married couple, Q is the one person who doesn’t have to put up with Bond’s nonsense and this just makes James push it further. Grow up, 007…

[BOND’S GREATEST HITS]

The Body Count [66]

Bond only takes out 6 himself this time, which is sort of disappointing after FRWL. He electrocutes one, kills four by a car explosion-oil slick proxy, and shoots one dead before being captured for the duration of the film. Not all is bleak for those viewers with unquenched bloodlust, however, as the supporting cast almost triples the amount of death from the first two films combined.

Goldfinger gets his beefy yellow hands dirty and shoots 5 men dishonorably and then in the climax, accidentally takes himself out. Oddjob gets the creativity medal for his 3, with a kill by skin suffocation, a kill by bowler induced broken neck and one by gunshot, turned overkill in a car crusher. Kisch takes the single players cake with 11 kills, with the press of a gas chamber button. And the final battle at Fort Knox warrants an impressive 35 dead Asian Stunt-Team members and 5 American Soldiers, proving that a homegrown Kentucky white-boy  is worth 7 slant-eyed communists. And before you send hate-mail, that’s the movie talking, not yours truly.

The Best Fight

Bond vs. Oddjob

The fight mirrors Bond vs. Red in that the fighting style of Bond is the same (clunky, awkward and silly), but the fight differs in that this time 007’s skills are pitted against a professional wrestler with a lot of room to get throw-crazy in, as it takes place in the treasure room of Fort Knox (Pinewood Studios). The two men grunt, shove and judo-chop one another all across the showroom, and it soon becomes clear that brawn will be taking home the gold…

Just kidding, of course 007 wins. Using a bowler-severed powerline, Bond electrocutes Oddjob as he tries to retrieve his beloved hat from some metal bars and the poor fellow fries like rice.

Felix: Where’s your butler friend?
Bond: He blew a fuse.

The Most Satisfying Kill

This honor goes to the title character, and the novelty death he performs on the film’s lead villain. Wrestling with Bond in the fuselage of an in-flight jet, Goldfinger squeezes his revolver a little too tight, trying to keep it in his possession during the struggle and a shot goes off claiming a window as its victim. Naturally, with a hole in the side of the aircraft, the cabin decompresses and causes a little bit of unwanted suction…

Pussy: What happened? Where’s Goldfinger?
Bond: Playing his golden harp.

[HIS WORD IS HIS BOND]

Best Witticism

[After throwing a would be assassin into a bathtub full of water and knocking a heat-lamp in after him]

Bond: Shaw-king.

Best Double Entendre

[James and Tilly inspect the damage to her car after it goes off-road]
Tilly: Huh, look at them!
Bond: A double blow-out! I‘ve never seen one of these before.
Tilly: How could new tires…?
Bond: A defect of some kind, most likely. Anyway, I’m so glad it’s only the car, and not you. You don’t look like the sort of girl who should be ditched.

[THE MISSION DEBRIEF]

Some may say you need a grain of salt to fully digest a Bond film and for this outing, a pinch may be required. As the entire outcome of this film comes down to one Bond gadget that is never shown on-screen. I’m talking, of course, about the good old PP, 7 and a half—(you know—his Pee-Nish)..

If Goldfinger has the Midas touch, then James Bond has the maternal touch. Bond spends nearly the entire film being outsmarted, defeated and in captivity, yet still somehow manages to win the day… Bond’s one saving grace? His libido.

Allow me explain. It all comes down to that memorable scene in the hay loft. Charged with making Bond look at ease for the on looking CIA agents, Pussy takes James for a walk and tries her best to not act disgusted by his thick flow of male-chauvinistic charm.

When Bond first meets her, he tries immediately to crack her prickly demeanor, but as Pussy says, “You can turn off the charm. I’m immune.” What she is REALLY saying is, “I am batting for the opposite team and I don’t just mean working for Goldfinger”. This is kept pretty low-key in the film, and might go unnoticed by the casual observer. But I know a lesbian when I see one.

So, this all adds up to the most blatant of examples in the anti-feminine undertones. It is in that hay filled stable that Bond crushes feminism much like Stallone crushed communism in ROCKY IV. After ending her charade of kindness toward Bond with a judo flip, the two continue to show off their moves resulting in Bond forcing himself on Pussy and kissing her until she bloody well likes it. Bond understands, sometimes you have to take the Pussy.

Lucky for James, in the realm of the 1960’s spy world, rape can apparently get you everything you need to save the day. In “appealing to Pussy’s maternal instincts” (deep dicking), Bond gets her to renounce her same-sex ways and turn over a new flap.

Pussy betrays Goldfinger, alerts the CIA and successfully aids James in saving over 60,000 lives and the entire U.S. economy. All because of his fully stocked slacks. The best part about all this is that this wasn’t even James’s intention! He just wanted to get some ass before he died. When Bond speaks with Felix after helping to disarm the third-act bomb, he asks how they foiled Goldfinger and were able to help, only then finding out that it was a defected Pussy that saved his ass. Now that’s some powerful man chowder.

GOLDFINGER is the epitome of everything a Bond film should be. A Charismatic Hero, Gorgeous Leading Ladies, Action, Mystery, Suspense, Drama and a Little Old Lady With A Machinegun.

What a ride. This movie inspired countless films and characters. From the spoof film SPY HARD to the comedic action films like IF LOOKS COULD KILL and TRUE LIES, to being the source of 90% of Mike Myers’s AUSTIN POWERS jokes. Everyone tries to copy it, few come close and none have ever surpassed it. The film is an event not to be missed.

[THE 007 SEVEN]

[X] Destroys Evil Doer’s Lair
[X] Drinks or Orders a Vesper Martini
[X] Gets Captured and/or Tortured
[X] Introduces Himself As “Bond—James, Bond”
[X] Teams-Up With Felix Leiter
[X] Uses Judo or a Walther PPK to Dispose of an Enemy
[X] Wears a Tux

RANTBO WILL RETURN IN (a review of) THUNDERBALL

Goldfinger (1964) © Danjaq S.A., United Artists, MGM Home Entertainment and Sony Pictures Home Entertainment

American Ninja killcount

American Ninja (1985)

Starring Michael Dudikoff

and Steve James

Watch video:

Total kills: 134 (Full count HERE)

Dudikoff kills 28

James kills 16

Discuss

American Ninja rights held by MGM.

The Karate 22 Year-Old

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

The Karate Kid (1984): Breakdown by Kain424

Weakling learns the Karate Way to save himself from bullying.  America becomes obsessed with martial arts.

[THE EXECUTION]

Ah, the 80s.  We saw the perfection of the police procedural film, the emergence of Hong Kong’s heroic bloodshed movies, the 80s Action hero, and the revival of martial arts films.  And in that final category, perhaps no other film was as influential as 1984’s The Karate Kid.

The director of Rocky, John Avildsen, doesn’t stray too far from the familiar, creating a story with parallel themes and moments.  Ralph Macchio (who was 22 at the time) plays a teenage underdog who, with the help of an older mentor, overcomes the odds to uh, become good at fighting.  It’s essentially a feel-good sports story with a love interest thrown into the mix.  Like Rocky.  And those aren’t the only connections.  The film’s soundtrack features the Joe Esposito classic, You’re The Best Around, which was rejected from the Rocky III soundtrack in favor of Eye Of The Tiger.  Coincidence?  Probably not.

Anyway, the film plays out in a fashion that’s become all too typical: kid moves into a new town, is interested in a girl, gets his ass handed to him by the local jock/bully who also is interested in said girl, kid trains with old master, gets awesome through the power of the montage, wins the day.  Cliche, classic, and fun.  The only real reason to watch this film is for nostalgia’s sake or if you’re on an Action pilgrimage and want to see some of the humble origins of America’s fascination with martial arts.

Humble it is, and you could probably have a legitimate argument about whether or not this film even belongs on this website’s list of Action films.  Still, enough movies have copied the formula (No Retreat No Surrender, Never Back Down, Sidekicks etc.) to more than warrant it being added to our roster. Don’t expect much in the way of impressive choreography, with Pat Johnson being responsible for it.  This is the guy that hampered Jackie Chan‘s style in The Big Brawl.

I’d say to check this one out, but don’t expect pure greatness.  Still, underneath all the cliches and 80s-era dialog, this is a pretty decent movie and an American classic.  But best of all, it features an over-the-top performance from Martin Kove (Death Race 2000, Rambo: First Blood Part II), who’s like an evil David Hasselhoff.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Ralph Macchio is Daniel ‘Daniel-san’ Larusso

Macchio plays the character as a very extroverted Italian kid from the “big city.”  This can either make you love him or hate him.  Through his constant complaining and seeming ignorance, he makes Anakin Skywalker look almost optimistic at times.  Still, he’s got a knack for pushing himself to the limit, and the guts to go with it (yeah, Elisabeth Shue is way out of his league, but his confidence is totally enough to seal the deal).  He may not have the strongest body, but his ambition more than makes up for it.

Pat Morita is Mr. Miyagi

Originally going to be played by Mako and then even Toshiro Mifune, Morita is the man that made this role iconic.  His serious style is never undermined by the pinch of humor Morita gives him, making him the most lovable lethal old mentor ever.  Also, in his backstory, he served in the 442nd Regimental Combat Team of the United States Army, which went on to become the most highly decorated unit in the war.  So that’s pretty bad-ass.  Plus, he seems to have ancient Japanese magic in his hands.  All he has to do is clap them together and the film’s soundtrack pretty much does the rest.

[THE BODY COUNT: ZERO]

No one dies, but Ralph Macchio gets his ass beat pretty bad in several scenes.  Some people can’t stand the guy, and it might just get you through the death drought.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

The final fight in the 3rd act.  Easy.  At the end of a tournament, which started with a montage set to the tune of You’re The Best Around, and featuring such great lines as the memorable “Sweep the leg” and the awesome “Put him in a body bag! Yeah!”, how could I not choose it?

Hobbled, but still fighting, Daniel presses on against Johnny (William Zabke), the bully that’s tormented him through the entire film.  For a simple karate tournament match, featuring torso and head hit-based points, the movie does a great job of making the moments tense. The fight comes to a conclusion with Daniel using the now-iconic Crane Kick. But best of all, it ends the way all movies should end: with a freeze frame.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

I’ve seen some people read into the relationship between Daniel-san and Mr. Miyagi to a grotesque extent, but I just don’t get it.  I’m going to ignore the fact that Miyagi rows little Daniel out to the middle of a lake and has him stand on one end of the boat in short shorts and practice his “form”. They may be soul-mates, but it’s purely spiritual love.  Besides, this whole movie wouldn’t have even happened if Danny-boy hadn’t been chasing after Elisabeth Shue‘s teenage ass.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Despite puppy love being the sorry excuse for the protagonist’s struggle, women are not featured too prominently in this story.  Daniel’s mother is seen a few times nagging at her son, but it’s nothing a real mother wouldn’t do.  But don’t worry, the sequel’s got enough misogyny to help even things out.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

The Karate Kid‘s epic moment occurs when Daniel-san finally figures out that Mr. Miyagi had been teaching him karate all along, through hard labor and chores designed to build in and instill the movements through Daniel’s muscle memory.  This brings us to the immortal one-liner Mr. Miyagi had used to produce said results:

“Wax on, wax off.”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Do your chores.  You are secretly being taught life lessons and other awesome things like karate.

[THE CHECKLIST: 06 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle*
[X] Crotch Attack
[  ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[  ] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[  ] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[  ] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[  ] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[  ] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[  ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)**
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[The Karate Kid II]
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

*Johnny and his 80s dirtbike gang grab onto Daniel’s bicycle while their riding their motored bikes.  They grag him along abit before throwing him down a hill.

**Daniel-san gets his ass beat on the beach, and it’s no contest.  I’ll call it torture.

22, huh?  22 is good age.  Massage is next job. Learn good karate with Massage.

10 To Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Naked

10 To Midnight 01

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

10 To Midnight (1983): Breakdown by Rantbo

Liberal justice system protects woman killer. Bronson hate woman killer—BRONSON SMASH WOMAN KILLER!

[THE EXECUTION]

Charles Bronson plays hard-boiled conservative cop, Leo Kessler, hot on the trail of a woman-hating psychopathic serial killer.  And bears shit in the woods. To say that this is a by-the-book, right-wing 80s cop drama starring Charles Bronson would be redundant.  I’m not sure why at this point in his career they even bothered giving his characters different names, as he is simply Charles Bronson—Vanquisher of Evil Men. Not that this is by any means a bad thing, as who doesn’t love Chuck?

So, while Bronson is simply himself, slightly exaggerated, all is not lost to the pits of mediocrity as 10 TO MIDNIGHT makes itself memorable with it’s villain. His name is Warren, he looks like a perverted Jim Carrey and he kills women out of his sexually repressed rage. Sounds like your average everyday slasher, right? Well, how about this? His stalker uniform consists of a pair of latex gloves and a hard-on. That’s all.  If I were a sexy young 80s slut, I’d certainly be dead bolting my apartment door. On top of that Warren has a humiliation fetish, a large blown-up wall-size picture of himself in a karate gi hanging in his apartment and according to Bronson, “His knife has gotta be his penis.” And that means he has a spare, as this still-frame clearly illustrates…

Eat your heart out Krueger. And that’s pretty much the film. Bronson knows that Warren is the killer after talking to him for 30 seconds and spends the rest of the picture complaining to his superiors that no more slutty women need die, if they just let him kill the son-of-a-bitch. And, of course, it takes a whole economy sized trunk-full of trashy female corpses and the attacking of Bronson’s daughter for him to finally get his (death) wish and enact justice the way God intended. Fast, bloody and without question.

10 TO MIDNIGHT is one of the few 80s Bronson films that is actually pretty good. I’ve seen a lot of the output he did that decade and most had the foul stench of ass accompanying them. None of which, I really blame him for. He was just being Bronson. But that is neither here nor there. As far as thriller-killer movies go, MIDNIGHT is a winner. The actor playing Warren, Gene Davis, is a delightfully evil little shit and completely believable as a creep. And it’s always nice to see Bronson playing a hard-ass killer of killers in a movie with an actual plot. I recommend it for fans of vigilante justice and Bronson’s cold glaring mustache.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Charles Bronson is Lt. Leo Kessler is Charles Bronson

“…I’m not a nice person—I’m a mean, selfish, sonovabitch.”

Kessler is like a very talkative Dirty Harry. Almost every other line of dialogue out of his mouth is a bumpersticker slogan on how liberal pussy judges and by-the-book officers are allowing crime to happen. What with their Miranda Rights and laws against plugging bad guys the moment intuition tells you they are scum. Charles Bronson knows, the only way to truly stop crime is to break the law in the name of justice…

“The way the law protects those maggots out there, you’d think they were an endangered species!”
“I remember when ‘legal’ meant ‘lawful’—now it means some kind of loophole.”
“Forget what’s legal—do what’s right!”

While Bronson is once again an asexual, he takes it one step further by insinuating that any act done with or while thinking about a woman not intended specifically for procreation or vengeance of their murder is amoral and worthy of death by lead injection. He even makes the case that masturbation is proof of murderous tendencies. Seriously. So, in short, Bronson-excuse me, Kessler is a walking conservative’s wet-dream and a perfect 80s Action hero.

[THE BODY COUNT: 07 AND 01 UNCONFIRMED]

Bronson only kills one bane of society, sorry to spoil, but it’s a pretty satisfying end. As for the rest, they all belong to poor, insane, little Warren and his butterfly penis. In total, he offs 5 women (and another potential with poisoned hard-liquor) and some unlucky guy that happened to be thrusting into one of the chosen ladies. Not many kills, but they were all quite brutal and for this type of film, that’s all you can ask for.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Party-Guy’s Boner

Upon hearing the squeals of a female in possible peril, Bronson’s partner rushes to her aid and barges in on a date-rape in progress. The girl’s breasts are bared toward the fourth wall as Detective Buzzkill apologizes for the party-foul and backs out the door encouraging the continued demoralization of the poor drunk skank and her defilement on top of a washer-dryer combo. And I must say, the will is strong with this frat-douche as the moment the door is shut, he literally pushes the confused co-ed back into missionary before the scene cuts away.

The sequence plays for laughs in a film it has no business being in, letting us know that no matter how pro-vigilantism the filmmakers appear to be, their true intent is obviously the mistreatment of women for cheap thrills and snuck-in teenage hard-ons. More—no, MUCH more on that later.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

As mentioned before, Bronson is completely asexual, even when married. So no luck finding anything limp-wristed with his half of the film. But, thankfully, Warren the Naked Lady-Killer not only displays his blow-dried and well groomed physique in front of a mirror while alone, he also graces us with his shiny hairless ass and bulging genitals for what must be an accumulated 30 minutes of on-screen glory.

And I for one am surprised his dick didn’t get whiplash from all the bare-assed shenanigans he pulled off while slaughtering helpless women in the buff.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

“You give me blow-job—I give it to you in the ass. How about it, baby?”

This film should have been called, 10 TILL THE NEXT TITTY AND VIOLATED FEMALE SCENE.

As some of the shots indicate, these ladies don’t last long after unleashing the dogs of war. Much like an 80s slasher film (which this film pretty much is), sex=death for bimbos. Add to this the fact that these women have the unfortunate position of being in a Charles Bronson picture, it was only a matter of small time increments until the sanctity of their earthly bodies was violated by a filthy pervert.

Speaking of ladies in Bronson’s life, there is no mention of what happened to his wife, only that he had one so far as I can remember, so I’m left to assume that she too was raped and murdered in the backstory. However, he does have an in-tact, undefiled (so-far) daughter that catches the eye of the deranged lunatic. And why not? She, like every other lady in the picture, is a good looking well-endowed symbol of modern femininity. The women in this film are classic archetypes for chauvinistic male fantasies. You have the big-breasted secretaries, the big-breasted hookers and most important of all, the ultimate feminine profession—the big-breasted nurses. And, of course, they are all punished by the end of a razor-sharp phallus for daring to think they could invade the manly realm of the workforce.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

I have to go with the end chase sequence. It’s not too often you get to see a naked man running after a nurse on a two-lane black-top at full speed, cock flapping in the wind with Charles Bronson in pursuit. It’s novel to say the least. And it only gets better after Bronson catches up to the psychopathic streaker…

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Every time you jerk-off, you risk becoming a serial killer. But, like Warren says…

[THE CHECKLIST: 09 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor” [Lisa Eilbacher was/is a bodybuilder]
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[  ] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[  ] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

10 To Midnight (1983) © MCMLXXXIII (1983) Y & M Productions, Inc. and MGM/UA Home Entertainment

Cwaime Rawds

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Crime Lords (1991): Breakdown by Rutledal

Two cops specializing in auto theft cases go to Hong Kong to arrest a crime lord and save their careers.

[THE EXECUTION]

Before I even start talking/writing about the movie I have to devote some time to the dvd cover, and its designer who most certainly never saw the film.

That right there might be the most misleading DVD cover ever made. See the car? Not in the movie. Neither is the Kurgan from Highlander. The picture of Wayne Crawford? Probably taken some 5-10 years prior to the movie. By the time this movie came out, he had gone gray, and the moustache is also “cover exclusive”.
That take cares of the front, on the back it continues. “When Williams and his cocky partner…”, I’ll stop right there. There is not a single character in the movie named Williams. There isn’t even a character with a nickname that it could be short for it. But enough about the cover, let’s look at the movie.

The movie is a Wayne Crawford action vehicle of the purest kind. It’s directed by its star, Crawford, and it’s obvious, almost painfully, that he cast himself out of some sort of misplaced egomania. His character gets the best lines, the most screen time, and unlike his partner, he is actually a likable character. The story goes as follows, two cops, neither named Williams, follow a lead in an auto theft case. It leads them to a warehouse filled with Asian criminal scum. They then somehow manage to blow up the warehouse and let the crooks get away. Since their jobs are on the line, they decide to go to Hong Kong, get the criminals and save what’s left of their reputations. Shortly after arrival in Hong Kong, they find out the name and address of the crook was false, and then they get robbed.

Luckily for them the police chief in Hong Kong is apparently American, and not only that, but also close friends with the crime lord they came to apprehend. Russo wants to dig into it, while Lagrange seems uneager to find out if they’ve really found their guy. Oh, and the main characters are named Russo and Lagrange, but I’ll get back to that later. They end up doing the aforementioned anyway. This results in Lagrange unconscious in an ally while Russo gets kidnapped by the bad guys and agrees to change sides. Russo then spends most of his time boning two chicks at once, before getting properly kidnapped by the same bad guys. Lagrange on the other hand ends up buying a 14 year old girl named Barbie, by mistake, who tags along while he tries to find Russo.

Crime Lords is no masterpiece. It’s poorly written, not too well acted, and let’s just say it would be easier to mention the things done well. Because that is basically two things: James Hong, the old character actor is great as (one of) the movies villain(s). Unfortunately his screen time is limited, probably because he was off playing in an episode of MacGyver. The other thing is the running time. The movie is at the perfect length, telling the story without dragging the whole thing out, and clocks in at 90 minutes. ALike I said, a perfect length.

The film ends up being pretty high quality for a direct-to-video movie. If you like action movies with extra cheese you should check it out, but it’s no must in any collection. Unless it’s a Wayne Crawford collection.  In that case, go for it, because this is easily the best Crawford movie I have seen.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Wayne Crawford is Elmo Lagrange

Lagrange is a veteran at the auto theft department, a miserable divorcee who lives in a scruffy looking RV, a racist who thinks all Asian people look alike, even using the word “chink” on live television. But he’s still pretty much a bad ass. Of the two main characters he is easily the baddest. He never quits until the case is closed and lets nothing get in his way.

Martin Hewitt is Peter Russo

Russo is a cocky womanizer. In the movie’s opening scene he is boning the police chief’s wife. He tries to bone just about every woman who appears in the movie, and even orders a massage with a “happy ending”. He’s a real asshole who’s been forced into the auto theft division because he boned the chief’s wife, but wants to work vice and doesn’t bother trying to hide it. Bad-ass or not? I’d say not.

[THE BODY COUNT: 09]

The fact that it has a modest body count is not improved by the fact that only two kills belongs to the main characters (well actually just Lagrange, because Russo doesn’t kill anyone). The villain kills the most when she wipes out the five other villainous characters in the movie to take top rank herself.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]

Lagrange vs. Razor Knife Man

After a failed attempt at his life, Lagrange’s “would be assassin” catches up with him and a fight ensues. Lagrange and the silent henchman throw fists at each other while Barbie throws bricks at the henchman. In the end, it becomes a close quarters battle with the weapons of choice being a razor knife and a broken beer bottle.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

For an action buddy comedy it’s surprisingly non-queer, with virtually no gay undertones in Lagrange and Russo’s friendship (aside from those profile shots I have above). There is, however, a scene where Russo gets a massage and his, junk, is covered with what must be the tiniest washcloth available to man. Not only that, Russo also shows off his ass (and balls). Oh yeah!

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

It’s hard to determine where the movie stands on this point. On the one hand, the main villain(ess) is a woman who has everyone fooled through feminine trickery to get events moving in her favor; a very clever lady. On the other hand, there is only one female character in the movie that doesn’t show her tits, and the villain(ess) ain’t one of them.

Also, when Lagrange finds out who the real is villain he punches her straight in face, and not with a flat hand either. Equality.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Get the Flash Player to see this content.

The one-liner: “Hey, asshole, this is a gun.”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

The police wouldn’t mind if you went to another country out of your jurisdiction and killed a bunch of people. In fact, it might get you promoted.

[THE CHECKLIST: 10 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[  ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[  ] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[  ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[Amerikanskiy Blyuz]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

I’m sorry, but Mr. Hong won’t be able to appear on MacGyver this week.

Crime Lords (1991) © Gibraltar Entertainment and Heatherwood Film Productions

OneChanbara [Oh-Nay Chawn Bar-Uh][Tit-A’s & Zomb-A’s]

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

OneChanbara: The Movie (Big-Sister Sword-Fighting)(2008): Breakdown by Rantbo

Japanese pop-models fight off legions of kung-fu fighting zombies, with samurai swords and double-barrel shotguns—while wearing bikinis and leather catsuits. There is nothing about that sentence that I don’t like.

[THE EXECUTION]

Right away, the premise for this film sounds like pure win, but the devil is a lady in a red two-piece. Sure enough, 10 minutes in, it becomes a gamble as to whether or not this film will be so shitty it’s awesome, or so shitty it’s nearly unbearable. Turns out, unfortunately for me, it’s the latter.

After the initial pre-title action sequence, the film becomes a major let down as the plot caves in on itself like a wooden door in a zombie onslaught. To say it’s paper thin, would be giving the credit of Kevlar. Essentially the story is one of two sisters, and it’s about 99% the same as the backstory given to Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow in G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA.

Two siblings in a martial arts clan, are pitted against one another as young children and when one out performs the other and gets praise by the father for doing so, the other goes apeshit and kills the father. The two grow up, one becomes a silent stoic ass kicker and the other becomes even more of an asshole. And since this movie came out in 2008, it makes me wonder if the “writers” of JOE, happened across this “film” and lifted the idea. I’ll probably never know, but in believing that shit begets shit, I say it’s a definite possibility. The main difference of coarse, is that this film has bikinis and zombies, and JOE has Marlon Wayans. It’s a toss up as to which is more gimmicky and sad.

You may be wondering why these two are glowing and why their swords are spouting pink flames. And the answer is, this movie is Japanese. And it is for this reason, that I still hold some semblance of hope for the American Action film market. Because even though our blockbusters have become horrifically stupid, painfully childish and apathetically devoid of narrative and plot, they are still a small step ahead of nonsensical horse shit Asian splatter-fest genre films like ONECHANBARA.

G.I. JOE may be pointless, loud, embarrassing, racist, sexist, over-hyped, over-budgeted, shit-spewing garbage; but I can at least understand the reasons for not understanding it… It’s made for douche-bag assholes and children. Two groups of people I hate and gave up trying to figure out a long time ago.

As for the intended demographic of this movie—fuck if I know. I thought Japanese students were at least 50 spots higher than American students on the education-o-meter? Then again, I went to scool in the Younitd Stats. Nevertheless, how and why they make crap like this popular is a culture shock issue I don’t think I’ll ever understand. That and those used-panties vending machines… seriously—what the fuck, Japan? Don’t waste your time with this one. If you must get a fanboy boner, just rent, RENT (don’t buy) the videogame. At least then you can change their outfits and make them jiggle with your joysticks.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Eri Otoguro is Aya the Bikini Samurai Cowgirl

As a young girl she witnessed her sister aiding a group of evil men in brutally murdering her father, and has since spent her young adult life killing zombies in hopes of enacting revenge on said sister, who is partially behind the engineered outbreak. Or, something like that.

-Member of the Imichi Clan (whatever that is), she is a killer swordswoman.
-Cuts down dozens of Hot Topic hoodie wearing J-Pop super zombies.
-Deflects and dodges bullets with her sword and samurai reflexes, respectably.
-Wears a scarf, bikini, a cowboy hat and boots. (Never Explained, Why?)
-Is able to be showered in undead-emo blood, but never gets a spot on her. (Never Explained, Why?)
-Has the ability to shoot energy waves out of her sword, when she gets angry. (Never Explained, Why?)
-This evolves into being able to create a tornado. (Never Explained, How?)
-Magically gains the ability to emit pinkish-red flames from her body and sword in the final sequence. (Never Explained, Why?)
-Magically gains the ability to teleport in the final sequence. (Never Explained, Why?)
-And, she “never smiles”, ever. (Never Explained, LIE!)

[THE BODY COUNT: UM, A BUNCH]

And then some. As once again I find myself breaking down a fucking zombie movie, I have to re-state that I only count the first time a human dies. That said, I would estimate the movie’s body count somewhere in the neighborhood of 75. Give or take a dozen.

With the hyper-insane jump cutting and super-slow-mo light explosions, I would have had to go back and frame-by-frame this movie to get an accurate count. And fuck that noise. I’ll leave that task to someone who gives a shit. Let me know if that poor bastard happens to be you. Until then—75.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

I’ll go with Doctor Fucked-Up Teeth, who likes to kick little girls and turn them into zombies. He gets what he deserves when one of his pets tears his eyes out of their sockets and eats him alive. Fuck that asshole.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

I’ve always thought that Japanese boys haircut’s where kind of fruity, but I’d never tell that to their faces, as they always seem to be shouting and pulling out concealed blades on gaijins like me. But, since it is pretty rare to be stabbed in the balls with a butterfly knife over the internet—get a haircut, you sissies!  Yeah, that’s all I’ve got on this entry. Plus, I’m just jealous. I wish I had a thick head of Asian Elvis hair…

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Aside from the fact that the entire premise of this film (and the games) is horny, adolescent male fan service, there are only a couple of glaring scenes featured within that would give feminist movie critics the fuel for a nastier review than the one you’re reading right now.

The first being a nice little bit of survivor sex, in which the female of the couple bares her itty-bitties. Furthermore, after she gets used like a broodmare for the diminished human race, she is killed off by her zombiefied boyfriend and forced to roam the Earth as a topless walking corpse—at least for a couple minutes before getting shot in the head by one of the slayers. But, that’s what happens for taking your man’s mind off of survival, you filthy brain-eating bitch.

And then there is the small case of the aforementioned villainous scientist who keeps young schoolgirls chained to the floor of his dingy basement, that he beats unmercifully and performs biological experiments on. If you consider that demeaning to women, that is.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

I’ll go with Aya stabbing her sister through the midsection with her magic glowing samurai sword.

The only repercussion for her doing so, is that sis gets stronger and able to burst her body into blue flames of energy. It’s never explained, why? But, by this point, it really didn’t matter.

As for one liners, no such luck. Here is the best I found, spouted by the token bumbling fat-ass during the one moment in the film where he doesn’t cry out for a woman to come save him.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

You can, apparently, fuck up a movie about scantly-clad hot women that kill zombies with samurai swords and shotguns. I seriously wouldn’t have thought that possible before…

[THE CHECKLIST: 11 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[  ] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

I Hate To See Them Go…

Police Story 4: Snow Banks and Shark Tanks

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Police Story 4: First Strike a.k.a. Ging chaat goo si 4: Ji gaan daan yam mo (1996)(The Kain424 Cut: Which Combines The Original Hong Kong Cut With The Heavily Edited American One): Breakdown by Rantbo

Jackie Chan fights for America in his biggest action film to come out the month of February 1996.

[THE EXECUTION]

It appears as though after Super Cop Chan Ka Kui defeated the evil drug lord with the help of uber-hottie Michelle Yeoh in the last installment, he has climbed a few more steps up the law enforcement ladder and he is now an international globe-trotting anti-terrorist super spy, working for the American government. Naturally. It’s official, Jackie Chan is Asian Bond. Ching-Ching—Ching-CHONG, Ching-Ching CHONG! OK, that was racist, and I apologize.

Known in the States as…

The film was dumbed down and re-edited to the point that the American cut is nothing short of butchered. The odd thing is that even with everything put back in, this film books. And making even less sense, the sequences that have been the most tampered with, were the ones featuring Jackie’s fight choreography. Why would you want to cut out the very thing that makes a Jackie Chan Film, a Jackie Chan Film—Especially when you’re re-naming the film, JACKIE CHAN’S FIRST STRIKE!? What the fuck were they thinking? Of course, now that I own a restored cut (thanks to Kain) this bothers me less, but what a cluster fuck of insane bureaucratic distributor bullshit.

While this installment of the Police Story Series pales in comparison to the last, it’s still a pretty entertaining entry. Made ten years after the first film, it’s understandable that Jackie wanted to try some new things, but in doing so, they came dangerously close to making something completely unrecognizable as a Police Story film. For starters, like I mentioned above AND they mention within the film, this is a 007 picture, starring Jackie Chan. Great idea, but they already kind of did that with his Armour of God Series, so this begs the question, wasn’t the character of Chan Ka Kui good enough already to warrant future semi-believable scenarios that maintain the feel and look of the predecessors? I guess not.

It may seem that I am really taking the piss out of this flick, but like I said, it’s still very fun. The action sequences are once again top notch and Jackie really goes all out to make this one unique and thrilling in a way not seen before…

The snowy-mountain escape sequence that more or less opens the film, is arguably better than any of the similar scenes from the James Bond franchise. It’s that good.

Later on he fights a stunt team in a warehouse with a table, brooms, some dragon-head masks, staffs and a ladder. The fight is classic Jackie, while still being inspired, fresh and filled with “Whoa!” moments.

Then in his grand finale, Jackie has an underwater martial arts extravaganza, that rivals the climax of THUNDERBALL.

Which alone is worth the price of importing a region 3 copy. And if you want to see this sequence as it was intended, that’s exactly what you’ll have to do. This fight, above all else was massacred in the region one release. Bastards. So, order a copy, check it out and watch Jackie Bond kick ass across the world. And under the sea.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Jackie Chan is Chan—Ka Kui, Chan

“Wow, now I’m double-o seven.”
“This guy can move like a monkey!”

His forth time out as the staple Hong Kong inspector, Jackie makes sure to mix it up a bit, while still maintaining the aspects that make Chan such a great character. Namely, performing insane stunts, jumping around like a circus freak and kicking mass ass.

-Barrels down a snow covered mountain in street clothes, with his ass strapped to a snowboard, whilst being shot at by machine gunning skiers.
-Jumps off a cliff onto a helicopter. Lets go of the helicopter. Falls a hundred feet into a literally ice cold lake. Holds his breath under the Hoth cold water while being shot at. Half dead from hypothermia and exposure, he pulls himself out of the lake. And he survives,  without even the slightest bit of frostbite.
-Shows his naked ass, cock and balls to a bunch of old Australian women.
-Gets kicked through a sheet of glass by human giant, Nathan Jones (FEARLESS, TOM YUM GOONG)
-Jumps around the narrow ledges on the outside of a 12(at least) story building, without cables.
-Fights off a team of stuntmen with a ladder.
-Fights off 5 Russian hitmen underwater in a shark tank for 15 minutes, without his own air tank.
-Drives a sports car off a ramp onto a moving yacht.

[THE BODY COUNT: 30ish]

Chan reverts to being a non-lethal wiener, but seeing as how this is a Jackie Chan Bond homage, there are still plenty of Russians and Asian Stuntmen being slaughtered pointlessly. So, while this doesn’t come close to the macabre massacre of SUPER COP, there is still plenty of bullet-laden corpses strewn about the various locales, (so long as you have the uncut version, that is).

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

Chan vs. The KGB Mafia Hit-Squad

Chan fights off the communist hitmen to save the film’s annoying estrogen-emitting sidekick. And he does it—on stilts.

That’s a new one. The fights that follow aren’t particularly awe-inspiring, but it is a hellova lot of fun to watch Jackie kicking guys in the face and stepping on their chests with giant metal poles attached to his feet.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Well, it’s about time Chan showed his ass again. And I think he must have known how much we’ve been missing it, as before he delivers the moneyshot, he shows off his cute little koala-hammock underoos.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Chan: “I feel like James Bond, only I don’t have the gorgeous girls!”

Yeah, what the fuck? May—? Gone. Never mentioned. They didn’t even bother to give her one of those bullshit BOURNE SUPREMECY or ALIEN 3 killed in the first 10 minutes deaths. I guess being kidnapped for the 17th time and thrown out of a helicopter, face first onto a car was the last straw. Some chicks just don’t know how to stand by their man.

But, not all is lost as Chan meets a pretty little lady named Anne, who gets kidnapped and almost eaten by sharks. So, it’s nice that they remembered to cater to the fan’s of Jackie’s comedic misogyny, despite the absences of his punching bag (ex)girlfriend.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

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Copyright owned by Golden Harvest

[Hidden within what is assumed to be his father’s coffin, Tsui springs out to meet his adversary]
Gregor: “You even share the same coffin as your father.”

“The coffin is for you.”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

When brawling in an underwater tank filled with sharks, remember to remain calm.

[THE GIST OF JACKIE: 5 outta 5]

[X] Breaks Into Someplace Or Escapes By Way Of Acrobatics
[X] Has An Annoying Tag-Along Companion
[X] Makes The ‘OW!’ Face And/Or Rubs A Soar Spot
[X] Performs A Ridiculously Dangerous Stunt
[X] Uses A Random Object To Defend Himself

[THE CHECKLIST: 16 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[  ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[New Police Story]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

Dirty Mary Crazy Larry & Complacent Deke

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Dirty Mary Crazy Larry (1974): Breakdown by Rantbo

An asshole, a slut and a grease monkey get chased by cops. VROOM VROOM! SCREECH! CRASH!!!

[THE EXECUTION]

After seeing this film referenced in several Tarantino flicks, I broke down and decided to order myself a copy of the damn thing, if for nothing else than to be a more efficient and elitist movie snob.  And thankfully, my money was well spent. DMCL is a classic 70s carsploitation flick, and also one the best chase movies ever made.

The set up is short and sweet like Mary’s halter top.  A NASCAR washout and his disgraced drunkard mechanic decide the quickest way back into the business is to put together their own race car, with ‘barrowed’ money. The bitch Larry happened to shack up with the night before they rob a shopping mart, ends up along for the ride and the rest is one giant race against time and backwoods hick cops.

This film is a true gem of the genre. Every thing is shot at full speed, with real cars doing real stunts.

EVERYTHING! There isn’t a single miniature or special effects shot. What they filmed is what you see. That’s harder to find nowadays than someone willing to take a blow-job from Susan George. The film is just over an hour and a half long (the perfect Action movie length), and about an hour of that is spent on the road and driving hard. And while I’m not a fan of either of the title characters (it’s hard to root for a loudmouth ass and an even loudermouth whore), the third main character, Deke, makes up for the both of them in the few character development scenes featured within. In all the others, there are so many reckless stunts and cool crashes that I’d forget all together about the dickweeds behind the wheel. All-in-all, if you dig 70s car flicks, or chase movies in general, DIRTY MARY CRAZY LARRY is right on the top of the pileup. I highly recommend it.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Peter Fonda is Crazy Larry

“You know what it means when someone like me gets off to a bad start?—Not a god damn thing.”
An ex-NASCAR racer, turned shopping mart robber, Larry is a fucking jag-off. A selfish, egotistical, apathetic, showboating, gum-chewing white-trash butthole. What’s not to love? However, Larry is one hellova driver, and for this movie, that’s all that counts. It’s not cocky, when you back it up, as Kid Rock would say. And I could easily see him as Larry in a remake.

Susan George is Dirty Mary ‘Super Crotch’ Coombs

Mary is your classic 70s butterface. Well, almost. Aside from the fact that she could eat an apple through a picket fence, Susan does have some pretty eyes, when her smile isn’t fucking them up. But, before you start thinking that I’m just objectifying poor Mary, she is a self admitted groupie whore. She can, however, give as good as she gets, and not just sexually. Even though she is loose as a pocket full of change, not all of her brains have been fucked out by doped up rock stars. But, she’s still young.

Adam Roarke is Deke Sommers

If Alec Baldwin were a mechanic, he’d be Deke Sommers. Deke’s a standup guy. Easily the only likable one of this wild bunch. It’s revealed that he’s had his problems in the past with the sauce, but it’s also made clear that Deke is a fighter for change and women’s rights. Well, when he isn’t busy using them for leverage in a robbery, that is. But, even so, Roarke is the one to watch this for. His stoic quiet guy routine is all but a charade when the chance for chivalry presents itself. It’s just a shame he waits until the end of the film to become an anti-heroic contender.

[THE BODY COUNT: –]

As explaining who dies and how would be a crushing spoiler, I’ll just say it’s not high, but still pretty badass.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

‘69 Charger vs. Copper Chopper

Just when you think the Charger can’t get any more badass, someone has it razzle a fuckin’ helicopter.

Again, like I mentioned above, this is made 100% cooler than today’s films, by the fact that this was all done practically and in a lot of shots, with the real actors. Watching the definitive badass muscle car of the 60s and 70s, barreling down a stretch of road at 100+ miles per hour while a helicopter tries to cripple its hood and send it spinning into a grove of trees, makes for one of the best chase sequences ever put on celluloid. And this is just a couple minutes of the overall chase that encompasses almost the entire length of the film.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Larry and Deke hold a special kind of friendship, that manages to surpass drinking problems and women on the side.

These two have been through the circuit for each other numerous times, and I think it’s safe to say that they love one another, a little bit more than the average hetro male friendship laws will allow. They bicker and fight like a middle-aged couple on a 20 year anniversary road trip, bring up painful occurrences from the past as ammunition against each other, yet find constant ways to touch and comfort shortly after their bigger tiffs. That’s love for ya.

Then there’s this guy…

“Imma eat chore lunch, you long haired faggot!”

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Larry: “Every bone in her crotch—that’s what I’m gonna break.”

Larry insults, exploits and berates Mary on a non-stop basis. All of which, her loud-mouthed sassy ass deserved for being such an annoying floozy. But, then he takes it up a notch and shoves her to the ground.

Deke sets Larry straight, but the damage to female empowerment was dealt a mighty blow. You can own your sexuality all you want ladies, but don’t think for a second that a man can’t just throw your ass in the dirt if you get outta line. We’re still stronger.

Also, there is a small bit of blurred female nudity in the beginning when Deke invades the home of the shopping mart manager to hold his wife for insurance. And he finds her in the shower.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Larry is teasing (berating) Mary for the 10th time in as many minutes, and she finally has enough and attacks him with her bear trap grill. Having Mary’s snaggletooth chompers sink into his shoulder, understandably draws Larry’s attention away from the wheel and the three outlaws careen off the road, up and over a rock, through a fence, down a hill and through a second.

“So help me, if you try another stunt like that again…

I’m gonna braid your tits!”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

“Any town’s a nice little town, when you nail a broad.”

[THE CHECKLIST: 09 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[  ] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[  ] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

Beastmaster Dos: Through the Portal to the West Coast, Dude!

Beastmaster 2 - Through The Portal Of Time 01

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time (1991): Breakdown by Rantbo

Beastmaster travels through a portal not of time (as the title would have you believe), but of California State stock footage in order to save a bimbo and stop a brother he never knew he had from stealing a neutron detonator. Seriously.

[THE EXECUTION]

Since the fall of Rip Torn, Dar has been leading some rebels in a fight against tyranny and oppression, and getting sentenced to death for it—blah-blah-blah. The next thing we know, he’s hanging out in some marshlands when he meets the evil butt-baby of Swamp-Thing and Predator.

Turns out it’s his aunt. Duh, of course! And she informs Dar that he has an evil older brother that must be destroyed before the next equinox, or the world will come to an end. Then Swamp-Aunt walks off to die for no explained reason. And I didn’t leave anything out. That’s how the plot is delivered. Oh, and one other thing worth mentioning, this all has to go down in early 90s Los Angeles. I’m guessing because it was cheaper than filming the whole thing in the desert.

Marc Singer returns as the title beefcake, and he’s just as creepy and ill-suited for a lead role as he was 10 years prior. I’d almost feel sorry for the guy, but he brought this upon himself. He swings his sword and caws like a jackass in-between bouts of blank stares and poor dialogue, which reassures us that this is most definitely another Beastmaster flick.

However, the real star of this shit-bomb is the villain…

Arklon The Beastmaster’s Older Brother (Wings Hauser) is even more hysterical than his name already suggested he would be. The guy prances around in leather leggings and football shoulder pads zapping people with a combination glow-stick/sex-toy and praising himself in the third person. “He who defies Arklon, will be DESTROYED by Arklon!” Well said, Arklon. He has all the best lines and truly sets himself above the rest in actually making his intentional humorous jokes funny.

That said, this movie was fuck pie. An almost totally unwatchable shit storm of mediocre action and terrible story. It’s only watchable for those special few born with a sick sense of humor and a love for obscure ‘B’ action movies. So, I kind of dug it. It’s certainly funnier than part one, and quite a bit of it was intentional. I recommend watching this only if, like me, you enjoy your cheese smothered in gay and with a side order of Uncle Phil.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Marc Singer is Dar The Beastmaster 2

While he is still as ripped and tan as an 18 year old beach bum, Singer’s head looks like it was aged in a microwave. His hair is still fabulous though. And crimped. Yet, once again, it is Dar’s animal buddies that do all the difficult fighting. You could argue that he is willing them to do his bidding, but that’s bullshit as he constantly calls them “My friends!”, and this guy is way too thick headed to be using anyone, be it animal, mineral or vegetable. So, the real heroes are once again; his tiger, Ruh (who got a fur transplant since last we saw him) and the weasel-rats, Kodo and Podo. Yes, even though he is dead, Kodo wasn’t about to miss this craptasterpiece! Oh, and a hawk that looks nothing like the old one, fills in as Skreech or Skwa or whatever the fuck its name was. Continuity is overrated anyways.

Aside from avoiding all the really dangerous stuff, Dar does do some pretty impressive sword handling, that I’m sure he practiced really hard for the day of the shoot. And they even cut his scenes well enough to make it look like he was capable of harming someone other than himself. But in the end, it was too little too late to salvage any kind of badassitude. Dar is a dink.

Kari Wuhrer is Jackie Trent

And I seriously didn’t think her acting could have ever been worse than THE HITCHER II: I’VE BEEN WAITING. That’ll teach me for expecting more. You would think that do to her flawless good looks, she would be easy to like, but the filmmakers decided to make it a challenge. One not to be taken by the faint of rage. Picture, if you will, one of the female characters from the original 90210, trying to become a stand-up comedian. That’s pretty much Jackie. Her constant bad jokes don’t make her funny, but the fact that she thinks they do, make her a comedic genius, to an almost Andy Kaufman-esque degree. Annoying though she most definitely was, I still liked Jackie for this reason. And ‘cuz she’s more fuckable than an gym-sock on laundry day.

[THE BODY COUNT: SOMETHING LIKE 20]

Some of them are hard to tell, as the biggest death sequence occurs when a bunch of boulders (that are clearly made of something safe and non-threatening), are flying into and on top of a bunch of Middle-Eastern rebels. They act as though they are dying, but rocks don’t bounce off your body like dodge balls, so I have to assume that they were made poisonous to the touch with magic, or some other fantasy bullshit.

As for the rest, there are a few cool looking deaths by arrows and green laser blasts, but all-in-all this was a pretty disappointing venture after the plethora of carnage in part one. With the exception of the following two…

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

LASER CATS!

I’m a little bit torn between the guy that gets mauled to death by a tiger and the guy whose head is set on fire from a laser, sending him backwards off his horse.

Eh, it’s a tie.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

“My dear boy, where I come from, the only thing a virgin is good for—is sacrifice.”

Beastmaster traveling to L.A.—is about the gayest scenario imaginable. And he still spends his days frolicking around sand dunes with his animal companions in nothing but a few scraps of leather and a smile. But, oddly enough, this film isn’t even half as gay as the last. Dar doesn’t so much as grasp biceps with another man and he alone is half naked, as opposed to every man and child.

However, the final fight does occur in a flame encircled animal circus pit, complete with strobe-lights.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

To Reiterate, “My dear boy, where I come from, the only thing a virgin is good for—is sacrifice.”

Women aren’t so much objectified this time around, as they are shown to be sluts and morons. Sarah Douglas continues her ‘Evil Cunt Of The 80s’ role as a Swhoreceress that first tries to aid Arklon in blowing shit up neutronically, but then decides that she’d much prefer to stay in our world and become a trophy wife. Again, seriously.

Then there is little Miss Rich Bitch, Jackie. Vapid, obnoxious AND stupid. She’s a trifecta of suck. Be still my beating heart. And women wonder why they don’t get taken seriously as actors.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

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[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Kari Wuhrer’s acting “stinks worse than a dead iguana.” But how about them titties!

[THE CHECKLIST: 17 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[  ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[  ] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[  ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel [Beastmaster: The Eye of Braxus]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Ow! I Got Another One Of Those Headaches With Pictures…

Beastmaster 2: Through The Portal Of Time (1991) © Films 21 and Republic Pictures