Meaner Guns

Tournament 01


The Tournament (2009): Breakdown by Rantbo

Wanna play a game? “30 contestants—24 hours—1 rule—kill or die. Ladies and gentlemen, place your bets—the Tournament has begun.”


In the tradition of ASSASSINS, BATTLE ROYALE and THE RUNNING MAN, comes THE TOURNAMENT. Essentially, an unauthorized remake of the 1997 action/thriller MEAN GUNS, the plot is very simply Killers v. Killers for the grand prize of a shit load of money. At least—I think that’s what the winner receives—it’s never really made too clear as the reasons for the various main character’s participation is anything but cash. One wants redemption, one wants revenge, one just wants out, and another just gets a hard-on being a batshit insane mass-murderer.

While MEAN GUNS had the ever awesome Christopher Lambert and the ever entertaining Ice T, THE TOURNAMENT delivers as much, if not more, with a cavalcade of B-Listers: Ving Rhames, Kelly Hu, Robert Carlyle, Ian Somerhalder, that parkour guy from CASINO ROYALE and even (most importantly) up and coming DTV Action Icon, Scott Adkins. Or as I like to call him, The Reason I Watched This Movie. So, lets talk about him for a minute…

Tournament 02

The always (at least so far) impressive Adkins plays a Russian Hitman named Yuri Petrov. A regrettably small role. Thankfully though, Adkins cleared enough time on his schedule to provide a kick-ass fight sequence and successfully make this movie at least 3 times cooler by gracing it with his badassness. More on this later.

As for the rest of the cast, they are certainly a grab-bag of interesting choices. It’s always nice to see the lovely visage (amongst other things) of the fabulous Kelly Hu (THE SCORPION KING), made all the better as she is one of the killers and not just some background T&A. Carlyle performs his role of a catholic priest well, despite the fact that I hated his character. Rhames somehow manages to pull off still being a badass, even when blubbering like a rape victim. And Sebastien Foucan (the parkour guy) even managed to score a couple lines of dialogue to flesh out his impressive acrobatic feats. Which leaves Somerhalder. The one guy who just didn’t do anything for me. His character, Miles Slade, is a raving, unhinged psychopath and I found the role to be too over-the-top for Somerhalder to believably pull off. Had he played a quiet, reserved sociopath, I think I would have bought it AND paid for the extra insurance. But, as is, he just made me cringe and not for the intended reasons. But it wasn’t distracting enough to really hurt my opinion of the film as a whole.

Tournament 03

Overall though, this film is top-fuckin’-notch. The story, however lifted, is still fresh and entertaining. The violence is unapologetic and gratuitous and the seemingly sole theatrical inhibitor, the cast, for the most part delivers all I could have hoped for. It’s films like this one, BLOOD & BONE and COMMAND PERFORMANCE that are quickly turning the tide of great action to the home front venue. And while I do love attending the cinema, my pocket book ain’t complainin’. Definitely worth watching, if not just straight up buying, THE TOURNAMENT is guaranteed Grade-A entertainment and one of the years best action flicks, hands down. Check it out.


Tournament 04

Kelly Hu is Lai Lai Zhen

“Abandoned at birth, left for dead. At seventeen she was killing for the Triads and has grown up to become the number one hitter in the eastern market for the past 3 years—a snip at 10-To-1.”

Hu gets a shot at her first lead role (at least that I’ve seen), and as it turns out, it’s a pretty good one. Not to say that she isn’t just a pretty face attached to an archetype, that’s exactly what she is, but unlike some, she also manages to pull off playing a bad-ass mama-jamma. On top of going toe-to-toe with Scott Adkins (a feat Michael Jai White barely survived), she also plays the protective “mother” to the helpless Father Joe, fights and defeats no less than three men twice her size and has a dark past of nefarious deeds that can’t be chalked up to vigilantism or anti-heroics by any stretch of the imagination (except for with sick fucks like me that smile when innocent pregnant women are blown away on film). And yet I think even well adjusted viewers will still get behind Lai Lai. Hu plays the role of wanting, needing and perhaps deserving redemption very well. And again, looks fucking good doing it.

Tournament 05

Robert Carlyle is Father Joseph Macavoy

“Wrong day to be a good samaritan.”

Entered into the tourney against his knowledge by a devious French man, the Padre becomes the film’s resident puss. To be fair, the guy is a drunk, not a killer. But on-top of the expected level of self-pity for the situation, Macavoy compounds it with drunken pissing and moaning. Needless to say, a badass this guy is not. But annoying and unnecessary? A-#1! Personifying Lai Lai’s redemption, his character was anything but subtle. If it’s one thing this movie REALLY didn’t need was a ham-fisted, whiney, hypocritical religious figure. But, whatareyagonnado, eh? He’s attached to Zhen’s hip for the whole ride. Just gotta deal, it’s worth it.

And the other heavy hitters…

Tournament 06

Sebastien Foucan is Anton Bogart

“An outstanding athlete,  he lives for the thrill of the hunt. Silent, stealthy, smart—a lethal option at 9-To-1.”

Tournament 07

Scott Adkins is Yuri Petrov, Russian Special Forces

“An incredible all-rounder armed to the teeth. Fists, feet, bullets, bombs—utterly merciless, he has it all.” Odds, 12-To-1.

Tournament 08

Ian Somerhalder is Miles Slade, The Crazy Texan Kid

“An outside bet, but he’s mad enough to rise the ranks. Reckless, ruthless, wild, but guaranteed great entertainment. This is one guy who truly loves his job.” Odds, 25-To-1.

Tournament 09

Ving Rhames is Joshua Harlow

“And, if you thought it couldn’t get any better—we have a dramatic late entrant—a returning champion who I’m sure will add something very personal to the proceedings. Seven years ago Joshua Harlow took the Tournament by storm and retired as a champion. But this year he’s back. For one reason and one reason only—revenge. Joshua’s wife was brutally murdered in their Miami home four months ago,  and the person who killed her is one of this year’s players! Joshua Harlow is our favorite at 2-To-1.”


Guns, knives, vehicles, garrote wire, grenades, make-shift flame-throwers, surgically implanted explosives, those bolt-shooting things they use to kill cattle—this film’s got ’em all and boy do they get used. Here’s a tally:

Lai Lai: 4
Bogart: 2
Harlow: 14 (2 more by proxy)
Petrov: 10
Slade: 12 + 1 Dog
Random Deaths: 20ish

The 29 Losers And Who/What Took Them Out

Lai: 3
Bogart: 2
Sniper Chick: 1
Harlow: 6
Slade: 6
Bus Driver: 1
Rando In The Titty-Bar: 1
Montague Of Random Death: 8
And A Internal Bomb: 1


Lai Lai  vs. The Russian

Tournament 10

In a church no less! This scene is kind of like a slightly more believable, though equally as bad-ass, live-action version of the Tifa v. Loz fight in FINAL FANTASY VII: ADVENT CHILDREN. With more blood and grenades. So, what’s not to like? Petrov bursts in the window and hits the ground running with a stunning display of acrobatics, whilst also chucking grenades about like a twelve year-old Halo enthusiast. Lai keeps them at bay by shooting them (quite impressively) out of her radius, so the fight moves on to be decided by fisticuffs. Petrov is clearly the more powerful and skilled of the two, but Lai Lai is a scrapper and knows how to use her environment to even the odds. So overall, it’s a fucking good battle.


Tournament 11

Slade: “Look at what I did to that guy! What da fuck was I thinkin’!?”

Slade has some issues.


“Fuck me sideways, I would LOVE to have a piece of that pie!”

If it’s one thing this movie seems to be in support of, it’s the idea that assassins aren’t these honor bound, “No women, no kids” killers with hearts of gold that Hollywood would have you believe. Nope, they are murdering scum that live off the suffering of others. Man, I’d love to be a hitman… Anyways, with women officially off the “Do Not Kill” list, the film features some doozys in true brutal equality,

Tournament 12

“I just want you to know, after I kill you—I’m gonna FUCK you!”

Also, there’s this little action sequence inside a Nuddie Bar…


Angel’s House Of Tits And Death

“Jesus Fucking Christ, that isn’t a cluster, that’s a war zone!”
“Ladies and gentlemen, we have a bloodbath about to take place.”

This seems to be a trend in recent action flicks—THE BUTCHER, CRANK: HIGH VOLTAGE, and I must say, it gets my stamp of approval. Any situation that lends itself to shotguns, tits and shotgunned tits, is my kind of action sequence.  Slade himself wastes 11 people. Including 3 strippers, for no reason other than that he’s off-balance.

Tournament 13

It’s a skinny-dipping bloodbath of gratuitous nudity and violence and I loved every second of it.

As for the one-liner, it goes to my man Adkins…

Tournament 14

“In the name of da fathur, da son aund da holy ghost—good bye.”


Don’t kill innocent pregnant women if there is a chance you might later regret it. That shit can eat at you, or should I say—Hu? Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

[THE CHECKLIST: 18 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Tournament 15

The Tournament (2009) © Entertainment Film Distributors and The Weinstein Company

T2: The Ultimate Sequel



Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991): Breakdown by Kain424

Two more terminators are sent back in time, one to assassinate a young John Connor and the other to protect him.


There are many who say the Action genre hit its peak with T2, and one can see why.  Alternately one of the most expensive films ever as well as one of the highest grossing of all time, the movie hits all the right marks with its precision in writing, direction and stuntwork.  Jaw-dropping stunts and epic moments abound, giving everyone a favorite scene, one-liner and special effects sequence to be talked about for years to come.  With iconic images in nearly every shot, it was destined to become a classic.  Schwarzenegger would never be more popular, and the entire genre, as well as sequels in general, would never be the same.

High Five

If the first film could be seen to lean more towards horror, T2 has obviously decided to more fully embrace action sensibilities.  The vehicular gun battles have become more stunt-focused and vary from car on car to helicopter on S.W.A.T. van.  The largely synthesized score of the first film has been upgraded to a full on orchestra, featuring a more solid drum base and a choir.  This adds an epic feel to the proceedings, and in a film about time-traveling killer robots, this really helps lend a lot of credence.

T2 Awesome

From The Terminator to Terminator 2, one can see how much James Cameron has grown as director.  There are wider shots, a more mobile camera, and extremely busy set pieces.  Cameron pulls out all the stops for this film, utilizing every trick in the film book: stop motion, miniatures, green-screen effects, CGI, pre-filmed backdrops, and forced perspectives.  Amongst this, he still pushes his actors (in a genre more known for explosions than acting) for great performances.  And, it fucking works.  This is particularly true of Linda Hamilton, returning as Sarah Connor.  Hamilton makes the transition from a ditzy waitress to a warrior woman on the edge of sanity seem not only natural, but almost logical.

Sarah Crazy

Schwarzenegger is given far more dialog and an opportunity to play up the comedic side of his screen personality.  Since the first film, Arnie had become as well known for his one-liners as his gunning down hordes of enemies.  Cameron plays off this image by pulling one of cinema’s greatest bait and switches and turning the T-800 into a good guy.  It was realized after The Terminator‘s success, that many people identified with the killer cyborg character.  Taking this to its logical conclusion, with people wanting to be the Terminator, Cameron asked the question: what would it be like to have your very own terminator?

Future War

The movie deals a lot with responsibility and fate, which I find ironic given that the series’s fate has landed in such irresponsible hands.  Watching the movie over again, I am struck with just how damn good it all is and I find the sequels even more disappointing.  In three minutes, the future war scenes kick the shit out of the entire 3rd and 4th films in the series.  Perhaps it is Cameron’s fault for setting the bar so high, or the hacks that have attempted to reach it.  It’s possible the film simply had a combination of elements (timing, marketing, talent, star power) at such a lucky alignment as to never occur again.

Holy Shit, It's Michael Biehn!

The fan service present in the movie is almost ridiculous, with several smaller characters returning and bits of dialog uttered in the first film being either referenced or becoming major plot points.  It’s basically the ultimate sequel, except, like Evil Dead 2, the second Terminator film is almost more of a remake than a sequel.  It’s been said that Action films are as repetitive as they are derivative, and T2 doesn’t help arguing against that point.  It’s almost the same film but with better effects and more stunts.  I think it’s clever how much it mirrors its originator, replicating shots and moments while maintaining true to its source.  If you aren’t quite sure what I mean, here’s a little montage of some of what I’m talking about:

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T2 set a lot of trends in film, not all of which have been for the best.  With the advent of newer, faster computers, CGI became more commonplace.  While Jurassic Park would later establish CGI more prominently (particularly in PG-13 films), it was here that special effects started stealing the show away from practical stunts, car chases and shoot-outs in Action films.  It was also shown that an Action flick could make incredible box-office returns without a lot of gore and death, leading to more family-friendly Action movies in the future.  So as much as it represents a sort of pinnacle of the Action genre, Terminator 2: Judgment Day also represents the beginning of the end of an era.

Arnie Cool

Still, it remains a damn good film.  One of the best ever made, in fact.  If you haven’t seen it, you’d better stop reading now and go check this baby out.  It’s a time capsule to a time when bullets and babes were kings and queens.  Before Will Smith’s “Wooooo!” was considered Action-worthy and superheroes were all the rage.  Before rock was dead and kids ruled the box office.  When explosions were real and stuntmen had jobs.  When Schwarzenegger was a god, and the Terminator was still cool.


Arnold Schwarzenegger

Arnold Schwarzenegger is the Terminator (T-800)

The Model 101 is back, but this time to protect.  Aside from a few scenes in the beginning, Arnie leaves his performance of a watching, recording machine back in the first film.  He almost instantly becomes a more sympathetic being, but also an instant exposition device.  To his credit, Schwarzenegger makes it credible.

CSM-101 Smiles

More emphasis is put on his height, and instead of machine guns, The Austrian Oak mainly uses big, one-shot weapons like a shotgun and a grenade launcher.  The result being that the Terminator feels more like a tank this time around.

Sarah Connor

Linda Hamilton is Sarah Connor

Spending the first half of the film in an institution, it’s clear that much has changed in Sarah.  Introduced doing chin-ups on her overturned bed, she has become a warrior mother.  She’s an ass-kicker with vulnerability.  She wants to stop the impending doom of the future, but lacks the cold killing ability to murder the innocents necessary to do so.


Robert Patrick is the T-1000

Patrick plays the role like an alien-possessed man, intense in an undefined way.  His look is pointed, his smile false, and his frame small, but underneath is a machine unlike any other.  In a show-stealing performance, he manages to be scarier than the invincible machine of the first film.  He is seemingly indestructible, very fast, and very lethal.

John Connor

Edward Furlong is John Connor

A clever kid, John is one bad break away from juvenile hall.  He’s rebellious and resourceful, but also a born leader.  A lot of people have claimed to be annoyed by Furlong’s performance, but I think he did a great job displaying the conflict he has between becoming who he must be and running away from it all.  One day, he’ll be quite the fighter. Even at 12 years old, this John Conner is more of a bad-ass leader, and take-no-shit, humanist survivor than any incarnation that followed.

[THE BODY COUNT: 27 Confirmed, 3 Uncomfirmed, 1 Dog]


There are 15 real deaths seen in the film, with a few implied.  Jenette Goldstien’s character is assumed dead, as is the pilot of the helicopter, who jumped from a great distance.  Also, the officer on the motorbike is assumed to have been killed by the T-1000, who perpetrates about half of the main kills of the movie.  The other half dying during the future war opening sequence.  Since the T-800 swears not to kill anyone, he only manages to tag the main baddie at the very end of the film.

Need Sunblock

In Sarah’s nightmare, she witnesses an entire city being annihilated in a nuclear strike, but only a park setting with 11 people are seen killed.  As the nightmare ends, Connor herself is blasted into a skeleton, apparently having forgotten her 2,000+ sunblock.  It’s all very nasty.  So aside from that, there are stabbings, gunshot and lasershot victims.  Mostly tame stuff, but occasionally graphic.


My favorite kill belongs to the T-1000, disguised as John Connor’s foster mother (played by Jenette Goldstein).  Using his best impression of a nice housewife/mother, the T-1000 is trying to lure Connor back home in hopes of an ambush.  Outside, the dog is barking up a storm and the foster father (played by Xander Berkeley) is bitching away and drinking straight from the milk carton.  Goldstein calmly switches the phone to a different hand and reaches offscreen, creating a nice ~SCHINK!~ sound effect.  Only after the phone is hung up do we see the damage, and it’s pretty ugly.  The T-1000’s arm has turned into a blade and not only has it pierced the annoying, good-for-nothing foster parent, but it’s also pierced the milk carton he was drinking from!

Foster Parents Are Dead

As horrifying as it is, there’s just something so damn hilarious about the way Goldstein plays it.  It’s like she’s just kinda annoyed so ~SPLAT!~ she kills him.  Like swatting a fly and then going back to dinner.  It’s great!  Add to that the way Burke sort of hangs there a second, even after the blade is removed, before finally collapsing to the kitchen floor, and you’ve got one of my favorite on-screen deaths of all time.


As it’s a Terminator film, there is the obligatory nude intro, and this time a naked Arnie walks into a biker bar.  As gay as this premise is, it turns into a brutal fight sequence.  But just when you think it’s gonna go all straight and narrow, Schwarzy sticks a knife into a guy’s back, pinning him to a pool table.

Like any man would, upon first penetration with Arnie, the guy starts screaming: “Oh got, it hurts!  Pull it out!  Pull it out!”

Arnold then spends the rest of the movie dressed completely in leather.  So yeah, there’s some gay here.


Model Citizen

Sarah Connor, despite being treated as a nutjob throughout the beginning of the film, is shown to be intelligent, resourceful, and skilled.  In fact, rather than seen in a bad light, Sarah is one of the strongest female characters to grace the silver screen.  Works out, protective of her son (who she has taught all manner of life skills), helps save the world.  That’s a role model.

There is one sick orderly who gets his jollies molesting the female patients of Sarah’s ward. He gets her good with a slimy tongue drag across her face while she plays catatonic in her cell. However, she returns the endearing facial contact—with the business end of a broken mop handle. ~CRACK, GUSH, COLLAPSE!~ Falling to the ground like the wet bag-of-shit he is, revenge was served.


The whole fucking movie is epic!  It may sound like I’m copping out here, but it’s true!  From the opening to the end credits, the damn thing is filled with breathtaking awesomeness, death defying stunts, claustrophobic shootouts, and killer effects.  Here’s another quick montage:

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And that’s only 20 seconds of a film that’s nearly two and a half hours long!  This flick does not let up.  It’s a balls-out good time, so strap in.  This one’s a fucking winner.  But you know what my favorite moment is?  It’s following the one-on-one battle between the two killer cyborgs, with Schwarzenegger presumed dead.


The T-800 uses his auxiliary power supply to restart, and as the music pumps up to goddamn heroic heights, he yanks out the metal spike with which he has been impaled, and pulls himself up, back to life and ready for one more round!  It’s such a simple scene, surrounded by loud and awesome ones, and yet I love it more than any other in the film.

Now the one-liner is a bit easier to narrow down.  Taking John Connor’s words to his cyborg heart, and with the T-1000 frozen in his sights, the T-800 unleashes this soon-to-be-a-common-catchphrase:

Hasta La Vista, Baby

“Hasta la vista, baby.”

And then he blasts the evil cyborg assassin into pieces, showing us all why Schwarzenegger is the King of the One-Liner.


There is no fate but what we make for ourselves.  And if a machine can learn the value of human life, maybe we can too.

T2 Epic


[X] Performs A Ridiculous Feat(s) of Strength
[X] Says, “I’ll be back.”
[X] Shows Off Buffness
[X] Unnecessarily Violent Opponent Dispatch
[X] Wields A Big Gun or Sword With One Arm

[THE CHECKLIST: 21 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel [Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Thumbs WAY Up

How To Make A Grown Man Cry 101

HA-ZUUU-MAY!!!: The Movie



Azumi (2003): Breakdown by Rantbo

Gorgeous teenage girl slaughters half of Japan in protest of violence and bloodshed.


Back in 2002, I got really into ordering awesome/fucked-up looking Asian cultish cinema via shady internet sites. Amongst my early finds was Ryûhei Kitamura’s now semi-renowned Japanese samurai zombie shoot ‘em up, VERSUS. Which I thoroughly enjoyed. His film ALIVE came next and then ARAGAMI. A huge sucker for ass-kicking babes, his next film quickly became my favorite as it features one of the all time greatest: AZUMI.

Azumi 02

Orphaned as a little girl by the ravages of war, Azumi is taken in by a wondering samurai and along with her 9 newfound “brothers” is raised and taught in the arts of the shinobi assassin. Trained for the sole purpose of finding and killing Japan’s warlords and thus, bringing peace to the country,  the story follows the journey of Azumi and her kin as they seek out and destroy two of the land’s three warmongers, their assassins and—their armies.

Azumi 03

Let me begin by saying the film looks fantastic. The locations, setting, set-design, costumes, weaponry, Aya Ueto’s ass—it’s all fit to impress and succeeds in doing so. And the cinematography: splendid, albeit a tad overly stylistic. But as I watched this for the first time back in 2003, BEFORE viewing the sense-overloading MATRIX REVOLUTIONS, it was a real exotic feast for the eyes. At the time, I just hadn’t seen things like this:

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It was fucking cool, man. Still is, in fact. Add to this scene the knowledge that Azumi just spent the last 12 or so minutes cutting and exploding her way through an entire outpost of sword-fodder stuntmen, and you have yourself one kick ass reason to watch the show. Personally, to say I was impressed and entertained would be an understatement. Though, the film is not without it’s faults.

The main issue I have is with the overuse of unbelievable and silly looking wire work and it’s accompanying green-screen. Unlike when it was used in art-house martial arts films like HERO or CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON, the wires add a level of camp to AZUMI that I just didn’t like. The premise of a team of teenage assassins fighting warlords and ninjas was enough. I would have much preferred they took it uber seriously and kept these killers abilities within the Earth’s gravitational standards.  Making matters worse, it shows up a lot whenever Saru the Monkey-Face Man is around, and he was already an annoying son-of-a-bitch because, as his name would suggest, he looks, acts and sounds like a monkey.

Azumi 04

“Eek-eek, Oh-oo Wa-wa!” and all that nonsense would have been better left to a more Steven Chow style comedy-driven martial arts film. Not to shit on Chow’s parade, I like his work also, but I thought AZUMI was better than that. Or, maybe I’m jaded and just wished it was.

But, gripes aside, AZUMI is a balls-to-the-wall, hack-&-slash extravaganza. It’s fast, dark and sexy. A proverbial steel sword of entertainment, dripping with fan service, shoved right up your fun-hole. If you’re into samurai flicks, 60s westerns, martial arts, revenge tales, hot assertive ass-kicking women, or better yet all of the above—AZUMI is for you. And it only took three years after being made to get Stateside. Which means you won’t even have to order an expensive region 0 copy, like I did back in the day. So what are you waiting for!? Check it out.


Azumi 05

Aya Ueto is Azumi

One of the sexiest characters ever created. And she’s pretty bad-ass too. For verification, one only has to look at the fact that when asked by her master to kill the person closest to her (a fellow student she clearly loved and had known since they were children), in order to sever ties with her emotions and become a killer through-and-through to her soul—she does. And that’s just the beginning of her tale. Azumi goes on to slaughter dozens upon dozens in her fight to end war and suffering. One may see this as hypocritical, but one may also be an effeminate nancy-boy for not first seeing how inherently bad-fucking-ass this character is for being a cold-blooded tornado of death and doe-eyes. Oh, and her music theme is bitchin as well.


Azumi 06

This one’s kinda hard to sort out. But I have some numbers, that I’m sure at least come close.

– Azumi takes out 99. By herself. Check it out, HERE.
– Her band of brothers manage to score another 110+. That’s over 200 for team assassin.
–  Two separate groups of bandits collect around another 50, between a village raid and a turncoat fight against one of the warlord’s men in the finale.
– Mogami, a released psychopathic sword-for-hire goes predictably apeshit and wacks 20+ of his own men and takes out one of Azumi’s compadres.
– A bloodthirsty trio of mercenaries, known as the Sajiki Brothers rack up 17.
– Then for added spice, 4 more randos, including Azumi’s mother and two more of Azumi’s fellow fighters.
And this tally doesn’t even include the ocean of bodies from a flashback of Azumi’s master’s:

Azumi 07

No way am I going to try and sort that shit out.


Azumi vs. Mogami

Azumi 08

For all intents and purposes, this is the final fight of the film. The second warlord resorts to some dirty tactics to stay alive, but none so nefarious and ill-advised as releasing this nutter from a dank, soiled prison. Obsessed with fighting and killing both skilled opponents and novices, Mogami screams with orgasmic glee when he sees Azumi in action and goes off on a killing spree of his own men out of sheer excitement for the battle to follow. Finally, when all is (literally) dead quiet, these two titans of extermination clash steel and it’s one hellova show.


Bijomaru Mogami

Azumi 09

Translated, his name means Bitchmask Make-up. I dare you to prove otherwise. On top of the effeminate face-paint, Mogami is almost never seen without a single stemmed rose in his hand, which contrasts quite fashionably with his fully white kimono and silky long black hair. He’s like Sephiroth’s gayer twin brother. Which, if you’ve seen Sephiroth, is saying something.

[Editor’s Note: that hand so gingerly cupping Make-Up’s balls, actually belongs to none other than Metal Gear creator Hideo Kojima!]


Along their journey, Azumi and her kin meet an entourage of street performers and one of her brothers, Hyuga, takes a liking to one of the female entertainers. He never gets to act on his puppy-dog lust though, as the Sajiki Brothers beat him to the punch, kidnapping the young girl and her three female friends into the woods to make with some surprise sex. Azumi and crew show up in time to stop the penetration… or rather, orifice penetration, as three of the girls are killed by sword, axe and blade.

Azumi 10

The one girl they manage to save, Hyuga’s sweetie, having lost her whole family, leaves with Azumi and Hyuga. The trio make plans to abandon their professions and go back to the girl’s home village. BUT, along the way, Hyuga is killed before his new love’s eyes and then the next day the girls are attacked AGAIN, by a completely different group of bandits and get roughed up and slobbered on with pre-rape juices before Azumi is able to save the day.  How dare any of us complain about a shitty weekend.


EP-M: Azumi Rambles Into Town…

Mogami: Do you really think someone will come and rescue a dying old man like you—huh, old man?
Azumi’s Master: She’s already here. [Shit explodes…]

Azumi 11

…and she eviscerates everything.  Azumi almost single-handedly wipes out the entire town’s population with nothing but her sword and cunning—with an assist by some dynamite. But only an assist. For the most part, it’s all Azumi and her skills with the blade. Reminiscent of Yojimbo or Zatoichi, the twist of having a little girl thrash and slash the hurricane of destruction and chaos is inspired and really got my blood pumping.


The Eldest Sajiki Brother: We kill whoever we like…
Azumi: Oh, I see…

Azumi 12


“Learn from Azumi. The strength comes not from muscle, but from speed!”
“An assassin is unable to choose whom to kill. Depending on your mission, sometimes you must kill a child, or a great and respected person. The way of the assassin is to have a mind of steel and to become inhuman.”

[THE CHECKLIST: 16 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)*
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[  ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel [Azumi 2: Death Or Love]
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

*Azumi uses a rock to kill some fish…

Azumi 13

Azumi (2003) © Vitagraph Films, Urban Vision Entertainment and AsiaVision

This Movie Doesn’t Just Roll, It Rocks.



The Rock (1996): Breakdown by Rutledal

Die Hard on Alcatraz. A chemical super-freak and a former spy have to prevent a group of mercenaries from blowing up San Francisco.


You might have noticed that Michael Bay does not hold a high star at the AOBG office*. This is because he dedicates most his time tarnishing the Action genre with his successful CGI heavy shitfest action movies, and their PG-13 ratings and bullshit heroes. (See: Transformers) But as the saying goes even a broken watch shows the correct time every twelfth hour. Well, Bay is more like a digital watch so let’s make it every twenty-fourth hour. So far he has only succeeded once. While cases could be made for the Bad Boys movies, I’m sure as hell not going be the one to make them because I didn’t ask for a more racist update of Lethal Weapon and neither did I enjoy it. But enough about them, the reason I’m writing this is Bay’s sole masterpiece and one of my all time favorite action movies: The Rock.

Can You Hear Me Now?

The movie starts of as an army General with a hero status most people in the military can only dream of decides that the government owes him (well, him and the families of MIA Gulf War troops) some money, so he does the most logical thing and sues them. Just kidding! He steals a load of nerve gas rockets and decides to hold the entire city of San Francisco hostage until they pay him. The government’s solution? Send in a former spy whose been locked in a prison for the last thirty years and an FBI science geek who has never seen field action. Essentially it’s a crossover between Escape from New York and Die Hard, if they were buddy cop movies, except neither of the characters are cops and none of them are black.   Oh, and there’s also a Navy SEAL team accompanying the duo.

Michael fucking Biehn

The movie has a lot going for it, there is plenty of bad-ass dialogue, the effects aren’t overused like Bay usually does, and it’s really quite violent. And just check out this cast: Sean Connery, Nicolas Cage, Ed Harris, Michael Biehn, William Forsythe, David Morse, John Spencer, Tony Todd. The list just goes on, all crammed into one movie. It’s a god damn orgy of badasses. Strange, I’d say, considering the casting Bay does nowadays (See: Shia LaBeouf). It also features one of the greatest car chases in action movie history and sports one heck of a great score. Few hardcore action movies can show off a score as good as The Rock‘s. It’s simply great. How Zimmer failed to receive an Oscar nomination is beyond me. Fuck you, other scores that came out that year and that most certainly were crappier!

Michael Blosion!

It’s not completely without its flaws however. Like most Bay movies, it’s heavy on explosions (far more than it has to be, of course), around half the movie or so is shot in slow-motion, and not surprisingly chock full of racist stereotypes for comic relief. Still, the good parts more than make up for it, with the two leads working great together, and the humor doesn’t depend entirely on black stereotypes. With is mixture of the styles of 80’s and 90’s action The Rock almost qualifies as a timeless action classic. No matter what you classify it as, it’s a must in every self respecting action fan’s collection.

* There exists no such thing


Connery Stalks!

Sean Connery is John Patrick Mason

“With scissors, this man could kill you.”

Mason is the only man ever to escape Alcatraz alive. He is also a former top British agent. Seriously, I’m not gonna bullshit you here, Mason is James Bond. He’s just older. So yeah. He’s bad-ass, very bad-ass. There is nothing he can’t do, except cut someone’s balls off with a trimmer.

Make Fun Of My Hair Again!  I Dare You!

Nicolas Cage is Dr. Stanley Goodspeed, but of course he is.

He is a biochemist, or a science nerd. He drives a Volvo (a beige one) and has never seen field action. He is pretty whiny at the start of the film and actually vomits at the thought of having to go out in the field on a real mission. However, when finally in the thick of it, he rises to the occasion and quickly adapts to ways of bad-ass. I mean, anyone who uses a freaking missile to impale someone is a certified bad-ass motherfucker in my book. Also, he stabs himself in the fucking heart with a huge needle, do you have the balls to stab yourself in the heart? How about with a huge needle?  Didn’t think so.


Is That Normal?

Connery finishes off 7 bad guys, while Cage gets a little less with 3. The others are mainly Michael Biehn and his marines getting gunned down in an overly dramatic shootout, and various mercenaries that get killed during an internal argument.  Lots of violent deaths here.


There are many great deaths in this movie: there is the guy who gets launched with the missile, the guy that is burnt alive, etc. But there is no contest when it comes to the best death. It’s Nic Cage forcing a ball of nerve gas into Captain Frye’s mouth before punching him, thereby crushing the ball. Watching that creepy-ass motherfucker Frye (get it?) with spasms and melting skin (just watch the movie) is at once both disturbing and extremely satisfying.

Pepsi And Pop Rocks.  You Just Had To Find Out.


I Feel So Naked Without My Guitar...

Nic Cage has a nude scene, but you don’t see ass or junk, and Sean Connery talks about having to avoid a prison gang rape (seeming to grow nostalgic over a former era when the attacks were much more frequent). One of the mercenary guys refers to Cage as “Sweetie”, but nothing ever happens between them. There is a moment when Connery saves Cage from drowning and the score is just a tad too romantic. Oh, there is also the whole discussion about the Elton John song “Rocket Man”.

What?  Is He Gay Or Something?

And then there was this guy.  Oh yeah.  He’s a hairdresser.


I think there are three female characters in the entire movie: Nic Cage’s girlfriend, Sean Connery’s daughter and fat black tourist lady. Nic Cage’s girlfriend gets treated pretty much like crap. No one cares to inform her that her boyfriend is in a life threatening situation. At one point Cage even walks out on her while they are having sex because his work has more priority. Connery’s daughter barely gets any screen time so Bay doesn’t take the time to harass or stereotype her.


But then there is the black tourist lady and you better believe Bay manages to turn her into a stereotype. She is loud, noisy, constantly talking about how she has a gun at home and uses “fuck” as every second word. She may only be in the movie for 2 minutes, but I’ll be damned if Bay doesn’t manage to squeeze every black stereotype in to her.  So kudos, I guess.


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Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.

[THE CHECKLIST: 16 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse*
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery [Electric Claw Launcher]
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation [Helicopter, Hummer]
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse [Drinking]
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel/Remake [Qayamat: City Under Threat]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)

[  ] Vigilante Justice

*I’m counting all those areas with the dark pipes and stuff beneath the prison


“Wait, I need you to do all the action stuff.”

Action Of The Tiger

Action of the Tiger


Action Of The Tiger (1957): Breakdown by Kain424

Mercenary attempts to smuggle ex-Communists and children to Greece from Communist Albania.


Before he brought James Bond to the big screen with 1962’s Dr. No, Terence Young was a British action and thriller director. Young’s films often featured world-weary heroes reluctantly forced into action by women and circumstance.  Action Of The Tiger is one such film.

Old School Action... of the Tiger

Taking place in the era of which it was filmed, there are a lot of anti-Communist propaganda elements.  The citizens of Albania are living in destitution among ruins, too proud to leave but more than willing to send their children off to capitalist societies.  Our hero, played by Van Johnson, is no less a contradiction.  Basically a smuggler or mercenary (his occupation is only described as “will do anything for money”), he seems to gravitate toward good deeds.  Still, he doesn’t seem all that sympathetic when a woman is struggling for her virtue against his brutish first mate aboard his boat.  This topsy-turvy morality continues throughout the film, building an air of uncertainty almost up to the end.

The film itself is a small epic, bringing us to exotic locales and introducing us to various different cultures.  Young almost glorifies the lands depicted, but then instills us with a sense of dread and danger, having devious villains and hordes of bandits attack.  Allies can’t be trusted and objectives are seen to be as elusive as they are difficult.  Every step of our characters’ journey is plagued with setbacks and mounting obstacles.  They try to rescue the female main character’s brother, and find him to be blind; as they attempt to escape, they gain more and more child refugees in their group; bandits who help them turn out to be possibly more dangerous as allies.  One can never be sure if our protagonists will make it and, if anyone does, who will be left alive by the film’s end.

Surprise sex

The action, for its time, is handled pretty well.  Violence is emphasized, but not in a gory fashion.  There are a lot of people shot and blown up here, but some of it is meant to be pure entertainment.  There’s even a bar fight at one point, and this is played for laughs.  007 fans will be interested to note that along with the director of future Bond films, the suave British agent himself appears in the film.  Sean Connery plays Mike, Carson’s right-hand man.  He’s drunken, unshaven and decidedly non-sophisticated.  Still, I find him much more interesting when onscreen than our leading man.

The plot’s been replicated a few times since, but the movie still manages to hold up.  Van Johnson’s performance stands out as a bit of a weak point in an otherwise fairly entertaining feature.  It’s got plenty of cool plot twists, and it’s 90-minute running time allows for a less than boring viewing.  On top of that, Connery’s presence (though in a very limited capacity) makes it a bit of a nice catch for fans.


Van Johnson

Van Johnson is Carson

The guy apparently has a pretty bad-ass (or whorish, depending on how you read into it) reputation for doing anything for money.  It’s implied that he’s gone and done some very dangerous stuff in the past.  There’s a funny moment when the heroine places some money on the table he’s playing poker at.  It’s to show him she’s serious, but he just uses it in the game he’s playing and promptly loses it.

As far as acting goes, I can’t say I’m a fan.  He seems to be an old school actor, tough because the script says so and never having to prove it.  He barely changes his facial expression and in one creepy moment, seems to laugh without smiling.  Still, he climbs up a mountain ledge to drop grenades on an outpost of villains.  So that’s pretty bad-ass.


There are several battle scenes in the film, and my count here seems fairly close.  Van Johnson manages to kill four or five and Carol Martine even gets one in.  While most of the deaths are faceless bad or good guys during the battle scenes (including the one Connery kills), there is still one main character that falls prey to the great many bullets whizzing about onscreen.

All in all, it’s a fairly bloodless film, but I suppose the quantity makes up for the lack of quality.


Trifon.  I can’t think of a single character in recent memory that has turned me against him so fast.  Upon meeting the bandit captain, I immediately took a liking to the guy.  Three or four rape attempts, a couple moments of cowardice, and a blackmailing subplot later, and I was more than willing to see the fucker go.

Trifon is Gone

So when our heroine, Martine Carol, kinda talks Trifon into rushing the machine gun-equipped enemy on horseback, I almost gave the film a standing ovation.  Almost.


All the main characters seem to hunger for female touch.  In particular, they want Martine Carol.  So there’s nothing here.


Twice, our main female character is nearly raped.  Both times by supposedly good guys, too.  Connery attempts to rape her in Carson’s boat, with Carson looking and not really giving a shit.  Afterwords, the Scotsman merely apologizes and the issue is never again mentioned between them.

End the Conversation

Still, there is an old “Countess” whom all characters treat with respect until the bad guys arrive.  She stubbornly holds her ground when questioned, but then gets a gloved backhand for her pride.  Conversation ended.


Without giving too much of the plot away, I liked the entire climactic escape sequence.  Terence Young crafts a very tense series of events, all leading to one moment.  Everyone’s nearly gotten away, been captured, and are now nearly away again.  Everything must go “without a hitch”, but a shadow of an Eve’s dropper shows us that someone has overheard their plan.  Will they make it?

It's Connery!

The one-liner, I got from the exchange between Carson (Van Johnson) and Tracie (Martine Carol):

Carson: “My usual fee is five thousand, but –“

Tracie: “I don’t expect favors from a cut-price Galahad!”

Carson: “You didn’t let me finish. I was going to say for you, TEN thousand.”


Rape is hilarious if you’re drunk.  And no matter how mercenary you may be, a hot woman and children in need are all it takes to get you to change your ways.

[THE CHECKLIST: 14 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[X] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Happy Sean

Heeeeere’s Seanny!

Action Of The Tiger (1957) © Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer (MGM)

Caucasian Ninja Magic!

American Ninja 01


American Ninja (1985): Breakdown by Rantbo

A Private in the military proves he is an army of one, as he takes on an island of arms-dealing ninjas—with his own brand of WHITE NINJA MAGIC!


“Have you ever heard of ninjitsu, sir? The secret art of assassination. Well, according to witnesses testimony and evidence,  this massacre was the work of ninjas.”

A mysterious past, a deadly art, a head shaped like a dreidel. Michael Dudikoff is—AMERICAN NINJA.



The principle couldn’t be more simple, or more B-Action. A Caucasian jarhead, raised in the jungle is brought back to the States, breaks the law, is shipped back out to an island military post where he uses the skills taught to him by a Japanese WWII hermit, to take down a corrupt military base and the arms-dealing ninjas they employ.  How’s that for a fuckin’ plot!?

The flick begins with what feels like the first 10 or so minutes of exposition missing and it isn’t long after the iron-walled introduction of Joe, the American Ninja, that his military convoy is attacked by a—militia of Hispanics…? Kay. The ninjas eventually show up, but it’s pretty clear that producers Golan-Globus took a “kitchen-sink” approach to this entry in their glorious film stable. One assumes it was done in effort to make up for the triple-digit budget, but rather than sight this as a negative, I say it’s quite charming and impressive. I’ve seen 150 million dollar blockbusters that aren’t half as entertaining. A bunch of them. Sometimes Most times, less is more and a good portion of AMERICAN NINJAS’ memorable moments and good times are due to the unintentional laughs and cheesy, though creative, stunts and battle sequences.

Which brings me to the fight choreography. Dudikoff is athletic and cut, no doubt about that…


But a master of ninjitsu? I think not. In fact, Tadashi Yamashita (GYMKATA) withstanding, I don’t think anyone in this flick was trained in such arts. And if they were, it wasn’t to a degree in which this film would like to suggest. For instance, before performing so much as a jump, the “ninjas” expel loud grunts and battlecries, almost without exception. And when I think of ninjas, I think of three things: #1) Black body suits. #2) Stealth. #3) Proficient killings. And these clowns succeed in costume only. The kills that they do manage to pull off are due to their overwhelming numbers, dogpiling and shock value, as I’m sure their victims are more than slightly off balance as their brains are likely trying to process the fact that a fucking ninja is attacking them. Which appears to be the sole purpose for wearing the ninja outfits, as they seem to only fight during peek daylight hours, thus rendering the stealth black coloring of their apparel fucking useless.  So their success comes from the opposite intentions which, luckily for them, creates an element of surprise despite lacking any and all subtlety. But, what are you gonna do? It’s more expensive to film at night.


Once again though, this all works in favor of the movie. As horrible as AMERICAN NINJA is, the fact remains that it is also incredibly watchable and fun to boot. Produced by Cannon, staring the Dud and with a story revolving around gun-running tropical island ninjas, the film screams 80s like a gacked up Brian Johnson in leg warmers. Plus, the theme song is catchy. So, do I recommend it? Hell yeah. This film is a blast of ninja magic—Cracka, VANISH! ~POOF!~



Michael Dudikoff is Private Joe Armstrong

Date Of Birth: UNKNOWN
Parents: UNKNOWN
Next Of Kin: UNKNOWN
“A construction crew found him on an island in the pacific six years ago, knocked unconscious by an explosion where they were blasting a road through the jungle. Brought back to the United States with total amnesia—in and outta foster homes, HELL, he’s got more last names than I can count! — Here it is, I knew it—age sixteen, in reform school for almost killing a man. Six months ago, he got in trouble again. Judge gave him a choice, enlist or go to jail.”

“He possesses GWAIT skiwls.”

Dudikoff re-defines Stoic-BadAss as Joe The Ninja. Joe can drive, he can fight and he can kill. Practically impervious to all weaponry and assassination tactics, his only weakness?: emoting. Because emotions cause him pain and that he can’t have. So the Dud spends his entire role with an eerie “serial-killer-esque” determined stare on his mug and the guy couldn’t be more creepy than if he were wearing a clown suit and sporting a boner… OK, he’d be a little creepier—but not by much.

Joe kicks all sorts of ass. From a convoy ambush of ninjas, to a warehouse full of ninjas and even a hacienda that’s guarded by an army of ninjas, none of them ever get the better of Ol’ Joe . He even fights a guy whilst hanging off the bottom of an in-flight helicopter! Or, at least his stunt-double did—still, pretty impressive.


Steve James is Corporal Curtis Jackson

“You know, every place you go, there’s always SOMEONE who thinks he’s a badass! Then there are those few who are.”

Aside from apparently possessing a forensics degree in eastern assassination methods, this mother fucker is ripped like a bag of chips.  Every time we see Jackson, he seems to have lost an article of clothing, and the more his lack of inhibitions show, the larger the weapon he ends up holding and subsequently, the more deadly he becomes. Eventually leading to him brandishing a fuckin’ rocket launcher. And he still has on pants and a headband! Could you imagine the destruction Jackson could wrought had he gone the full monty!?  I don’t think there is a film stock out there possible of capturing such awesomeness.


An ass load! This flick is the Normandy of Ninja movies. Joe himself wastes an impressive 28 and his buddy Curtis, an even more impressive (considering his screen time) 16. Watch it go down, HERE. The rest are all ninjas and soldiers killed in the wake by each other as Joe pursues the evil kidnapping gun-runners. Methods include, shooting, stabbings and explosions, all very average stuff, but the sheer unexpected volume really makes up for the bulk and lackluster deaths.


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Holy shit! Our military equipment is worse off than they talk about! Who knew that army jeeps can, and DO, explode when the bumper is hit at 10mph!? That shit is scary / awesome.


Jackson: “Yeah, YEAH, YEAH! You’re tingling, YOU’RE tingling—I knew I’ve touched something again! HAHAHA—Yeah!”

Ninjas are one of the few “manly” professions that aren’t inherently homosexual. Lucky for us, this film takes place on a military base and soldiers are gayer than church.


Picture One: Bad Touch! BAD TOUCH!

Picture Two: While it is insinuated that Joe sleeps with the general’s daughter, Patricia, his line of duty is still God—Country—Jackson. Joe and his chocolate bear are one cute couple. Quick to overheat and get in each other’s face, they are just as fast to reconcile with a sweaty post-sparring embrace and an affectionate hair mussing.

Picture Three: As for that ninja with the mallets. Not sure why he is dressed, or rather un-dressed, in such a fashion, but why not!?  More fun like that anyways. Bang a gong!

And then Jackson makes quite a statement appearing during the final battle dressed as Rambo, but with fingerless gloves and an unexplained ripped shirt, to do battle with another barely clothed beefcake. And Jackson’s special game-changing move? He eagle-claw grabs the guys scrote…


“How do you like that, Little Nuts!?”

And it sounds like someone twisting a handful of wet celery. Whoo Gaa!



Played by that one girl from WEIRD SCIENCE and FRIDAY THE 13th 4, Patricia is the epitome of the term ‘cuntbucket’. Filled to the brim with pure feminine fail. Snooty, self-centered, dainty, bitchy, loud, obnoxious, dumb and unable to drive a car 10 yards without crashing it. An affront to women everywhere, from any and every decade. So, naturally, I thought she was pretty funny.


EP-M: Decisions, Decisions…

I’m really torn here… There are at LEAST 3 epic moments in this one. So, I ask you, what’s more awesome?:

1. Joe catching an arrow—then breaking the SHIT out of it.


2. Joe’s master praying himself invisible?


3. Or Black Star Ninja using a hidden laser wrist -cannon to kill a flower pot, instead of Joe?


I can’t pick just one.


Shinyuki: “Beware the Black Star Ninja, he has taken the dark path and has betrayed The Code.”
Joe: “Then—he must die.”


No matter how long your race has honed and perfected it’s martial arts craft, when taught to Americans, we will always kick your ass.

[THE CHECKLIST: 21 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice


Shh, SHH! It’s going to be OK, I—won’t—hurt—you… SHHhhh

American Ninja (1985) © Cannon Film Distributors and MGM/UA Home Entertainment

The Wrecked Movie

The Wrecking Crew


The Wrecking Crew (1969): Breakdown by Kain424

Intelligence and Counter Espionage (ICE) agent Matt Helm is dispatched to find and retrieve a billion dollars in stolen gold.


Because of the popularity of James Bond, knock-off spy films began appearing all over the place in the 1960s.  The Wrecking Crew is one of them.  This is the fourth and final film in the Matt Helm franchise, one of the higher budgeted knock-off series.  And when you look at what it’s got going for it, you won’t be blamed for having high expectations.

Bruce Lee Wrecking Crew

There is a helicopter chase, spy gadgets, car chases, scantily-clad women everywhere you look, a booby-trapped mansion, fight choreography by Bruce Lee AND Chuck Norris.  Hell, Chuck Norris is in the film!  There are shoot-outs, heist plots, double-agents, and a final fight aboard a speeding train.  This film has it all.

Martin Flinches

And it completely fumbles the ball.  The film spends more time emphasizing our hero’s pursuit of women than his pursuit of the gold, giving the entire duration a feeling of wasted time.  And despite its use of car chases and helicopters, the bluescreen looks terrible, and the car chase is ruined with the movie’s horrible musical score.  In fact, the elevator music-style soundtrack only adds to the feeling that we’re waiting for the real adventure to begin.  The fights, despite the talent behind them, are terribly done.  They’re plodding, clearly fake mistakes of celluloid junk.  Everyone is moving at half-speed, as if they’re doing a dress rehearsal.

The film’s emphasis on women (usually a good thing in spy movies), gets as bothersome as it is distracting.  One goofy scene after another follow the last, with every woman dressed in a more ridiculous manner.  At first, I was laughing about the different shots of women’s asses, but it got old after about the fifth or sixth time.  In an effort to keep from turning the damn thing off, I tried to tell myself the movie is just a product of its time.  But then I remembered how many quality Bond flicks were released in the preceding years and almost came completely unglued.  The Wrecking Crew is simply an unfocused mess of great ideas and things the producers thought people wanted from the genre.

Women in The Wrecking Crew

Someone also forgot to tell the writers how cameras work.  There are many scenes where characters are looking at screens where there is pretty much no way a camera could be without the people being watched noticing.  It gets embarrassing the more they use it.  Also noticeable are the pads when people jump to the ground.  Pretty much the only thing not ruined is the gunplay, but the impact of that is even lessened by the lack of squibs or equivalent effects.

A lot of the film’s problems come from its casting.  From a shrill, nerdy, and offensive Sharon Tate (ok, she wasn’t too bad) to a too-old-for-the-part Dean Martin, we have unlikable characters who we can neither relate to or get involved with unless we are the biggest of fans.  Martin, who has had excellent turns in films like Rio Bravo, is about a decade or two removed from where he should be.  Perhaps a slightly younger, ex-prizefighter, Dean Martin would have spent less time singing and schmoozing and more time putting foot to ass.

Young Chuck Norris

Only recently, with films like Transformers, have I seen such wasted potential.  If this one pops up on your radar, try and avoid it.  The only valid reasons one would watch The Wrecking Crew is if they are an absolute completist or perhaps are that curious about what a young Chuck Norris looked like.   Check out that image above.  Now you don’t need to sit through this torture of a film.


Dean Martin

Dean Martin is Matt Helm

A special agent for ICE, Helm is supposed to be the best.  But like 007, Helm seemingly has only a loose interest in the mission at hand, preferring to lust after gorgeous women to saving the European and American economic markets from collapsing.  Still, he can make a helicopter from parts stored in his car and fly it damn well.

And yet for all his supposed skill, he remains a remarkably ineffectual hero.  He never has to do any detective or espionage work, pretty much happening on the villains the moment he arrives in the correct country.  I’d call the guy more a lucky son of bitch than a bad-ass.


Without being too violent, I think the movie still provides an adequate amount of bodies.  Martin kills 11, making him the MVP for this one.  We get death from gunshots, explosions, and a few from falling from a traincar moving at a high rate of speed.


I’ll be honest.  I did like the main baddie’s death.  Helm throws him out the trap door in the bottom of the speeding train, and the guy gives a pretty awesome death scream.  So that was cool.


Since Martin plays the role as a man who wears his sexuality on his sleeve, there isn’t much question as to the protagonist’s sexual preference.  The villain seems equally interested in women.  I’d go into his home decorating, but I think that gaying up your house comes with the title of “Count”.


Freya: “I’m an agent. And I also happen to be a good one. And I’m also a woman!”

*runs off crying*

No question about it, the women of The Wrecking Crew are absolute objects.  The ones without names are clearly meant to be scenery, even acting as furniture in some instances.  And the one with names are treated no better.  Look no further than the most offensive character of Freya, played by Sharon Tate.

Sharon Tate

A contact for ICE, Freya is supposed to be some sort of agent in her own right.  Realizing this would make her seem somewhat of an equal to our male protagonist, the film makers have decided to turn Freya into a shrieking, bumbling child of a woman.  In a series of running gags (with emphasis on gag), she accidentally foils many of Helm’s plans, all the while remaining forever jealous of any other woman he even gazes upon.  Way to set women back a few decades, guys.  Good job.


The Wrecked Crew

The best moment of the film occurs near the end.  Dean Martin and Sharon Tate fly a helicopter into the middle of the villain’s compound, where Martin shoots and blasts his way inside.  In a film littered with poorly done action, it’s easily the best sequence.  There’s shoot-outs, explosions, and Dean Martin even manages to dive over a wall.  And, for a very brief moment, the movie almost becomes good.

Zipper Choices

As for the one-liner, it’s from the lead villain’s main squeeze.  Matt Helm comes upon her dressing in her bedroom.  She asks him to zip her dress, prompting the following exchange:

Matt: “Which way do you want it, up or down?”

Linka: “Well there’s always a choice, Mr. Helm, isn’t there?”


All the great ideas and talent in the world won’t amount to shit if you don’t know what to do with them.  Oh, and Bad Guys, stop monologing  and just kill them when you have the damn chance.

[THE CHUCK OF NORRIS: 1 outta 5]

[  ] Facial Hair
[  ] Jumps/Or Kicks Through A Window Or Wall
Performs Spin Kick or Spin Punch To Enemies Face
[  ] Shows Off His Hairy Chest
[  ] Sports Some Cowboy Getup

[THE CHECKLIST: 12 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor” *
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

* Dean Martin was a prizefighter, and I’ll go ahead and count that.

Roundhouse kick... Chuck Norris!

Roundhouse kickChuck Norris!

Enter the 80s

Enter The Ninja


Enter the Ninja (1981): Breakdown by Rutledal

A westerner who has been taught in the ways of the ninja must help his friend defend his land. Retardation ensues.


This is the movie that launched the wave of ninja movies released all trough the 80s and parts of the early 90s. It also changed the face of The Cannon Group, turning them in to one of the prime providers of low budget action films in the 80s.

Since this was made at the time when Asian actors still weren’t billable at the box-office (despite Jackie Chan’s best efforts), Italian western hero Franco Nero was cast in the lead. Prior to this movie, Nero had no experience with martial arts and had to be doubled for most of the major action sequences. Unfortunately both become quite obvious. That Nero does not know martial arts shines through every time he is fighting without his ninja suit. It is also easy to tell when he is being doubled because Nero has big mustache and his double doesn’t.  Yeah, it’s that bad.

The movie also features one of the most cliché-ridden, comic-book style henchmen in cinematic history. I shit you not, when I say we are talking about an overacting, short and fat dude with a German accent, a limp and a hook for a hand. A fucking hook for a fucking hand! Fuck this movie.

One of us!

The story follows a man who is the first ever Caucasian ninja (aren’t they all?), even going as far as giving him a white ninja costume. However one of the more Asian ninjas doesn’t take too kindly to teaching the ways of the ninja to strangers/non-Asians. Instead of actually focusing on that plot point, the movie instead follows our white ninja hero as he goes to help his friend, who is being hassled by an oil tycoon, only to later have the two plots melt together.

Uh Oh

The movie has all the classic elements of a ninja movie, like ridiculous sounds effects and smoke bombs. Well, all except martial arts, of which there is surprisingly little, probably due to Nero’s lack of skills in the field. It is poorly edited and at times extremely inconsistent, there are moments where the actors look baffled, as if they have no idea what is going on. Still, the movie has its moments and the score is actually pretty decent. It also helps that professional martial artist Shô Kosugi plays the evil ninja.

Overall it’s a pretty bad movie, and I think that if it hadn’t ended up launching a popular sub-genre of 80s action it would have vanished from everyone’s memory years ago. This is for hardcore fans of ninja movies only.


Dudikoff or Nero?

Franco Nero is Cole

“One man? We are afraid of one man?”
“He’s like an army. He’s like a whole army.”

“20 men? He got rid of 20 men? That is impossible!”
“Impossible or not, sir, he took care of them all.”

He’s pretty bad-ass. For starters, he has a license as a master of ninjitsu, which I’m pretty sure is hard to obtain. In a flashback he says that when the war* is over the first thing he will do is look for another war to fight in. He just can’t get enough action. He does cry when his friend dies, but quickly decides that killing is a better way to cope with grief.

*Non-defined conflict taking place in Africa

[THE BODY COUNT: 31 Real and 11 Fake Deaths]

Nero kills 26 bad guys by various ninja weapons, even beheading a guy. He’s pretty hardcore like that. The fake deaths come from the opening sequence where Cole slays down 11 ninjas, before it’s revealed that it was  a training exercise and they are all alive and well. The other deaths are pretty evenly divided: 1 for Cole’s friend, 1 for the main villain, 1 for the rival ninja etc.

Pit Death


Go into YouTube for a minute, plot “worst/best death scene ever” in the search monitor. Did you find a video of a guy who gets hit with a ninja star in the chest and then shrugs before falling over dead, all in unnecessary slow motion? That’s from this movie. It’s the death of the movie’s childlike villain, and since a certain henchman survives the movie, this is the movie’s most satisfying death.

Best/Worst Death Ever?  Probably


Yep, those are two naked guys

There are some gay undertones in the friendship between Cole and his alcoholic friend, but it’s never fleshed out to its full potential. A shame it is. Our hook handed henchman however has gotten it. When asked what he needs, his answer is always the same: “More men”. Still, the movie keeps a low profile.


When he goes to visit his friend, Cole doesn’t think waiting at the gate is fit for a ninja like him so he climbs the fence, only to be met by a woman with a shotgun. Instead of trying to explain what is going on he makes sexist remarks, disarms her, cops a feel and kicks her in the ass. Honestly, he turns her around and squeezes her breast for no good reason other than to just squeeze her breast.

That's Quite A Grip You've Got There

They then try to make a strong independent female character of the woman, his friend’s wife, Marry Ann, but it all falls to the ground when they have her sleep with Cole only to give him a reason to save her later on.

There is also the guy that who sells porn pictures from his jacket.

Pocket Porn?


Ying Yang

At the end of the title sequence a ninja dressed in white comes in from the left, jumps up and kicks a ninja dressed in black right in the face. The only thing is, he misses the black ninja by a couple of feet. It perfectly sets up the movie, and from there it’s all downhill.

That's how accidents happen

Cole: “Give Mr. Venarius a message from me.”
Henchman: “Yeah, what message?”
Cole: “I don’t like to be followed.”
Henchman: [Pulls a gun on Cole]
Cole: [Crushes his throat with a single blow] “Never mind
I’ll tell him myself.”


When making a movie about ninjas, make sure your lead (especially if he’s supposed to actually be a ninja) knows martial arts.

[THE CHECKLIST: 12 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor” [Shô Kosugi]
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[  ] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[  ] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice


“Sir, I’m hurt.”

G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra (2009): Bodycount Breakdown

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009) Body Count Breakdown by gregglop09


Storm Shadow (Lee Byung-hun/Brandon Soo Hoo): 60 (59 as Byung-hun, 1 by Soo Hoo)
Duke (Channing Tatum): 17
Ana Lewis/ Ana DeCobray/The Baroness (Sienna Miller): 15
Snake Eyes (Ray Park): 9
Scarlett (Rachel Nichols): 9
Heavy Duty (Adwale Akkinuoye-Agbaje): 3
Zartan (Arnold Vosloo): 2
Ripcord (Marlon Wayans): 1


Ambush: 25
-Neo-Viper Aircraft shoots down the 1st helicopter, killing the pilot and gunner
-Neo-Viper Aircraft shoots down the 2nd chopper, killing the pilot and gunner
-The first crashed helicopter lands on a Humvee, blowing it up and killing the passenger and driver
-Neo-Viper Aircraft blows up a second Humvee, killing the 2 soldiers inside
-Neo-Viper Aircraft blows up the missile Humvee, killing the 3 soldiers inside
-Neo-Viper Aircraft blows up Duke and Ripcord’s Humvee, killing the 2 soldiers in front of it
-Neo Vipers on foot shoot 6 soldiers
-The Baroness shoots 2 soldiers
-Neo-Viper shoot 3 soldiers in the background
-1 dead soldier seen in Humvee

Joes To The Rescue: 5

-Snake Eyes cuts down 1 Neo-Viper with his sword
-Snake Eyes shoots a Neo-Viper in the head
-Snake Eyes shoots the Neo-Viper Duke stabbed in the eye (not Duke’s kill)
-Scarlett shoots 1 Neo-Viper in the head with her crossbow, causing his head to explode
-Scarlett fires a crossbow bolt and it lands in a Neo-Viper’s eye, causing his head to explode

Sneaking In: 2
-A soldier is hit by a drill “car”
-Storm Shadow cuts down 1 soldier

“Good-Bye Sweet Heart”: 1
-Zartan stabs Cover Girl in the back through her PDA

Under Attack: 28
-Storm Shadow cuts 1 soldier down
-Storm Shadow sword-flips a soldier off a railing to his death
-Heavy Duty blows up the machines with dual grenade launchers, incinerating 2 Neo-Vipers (the ones on the left and right are full engulfed and thrown back pretty hard but only 1 of them survived)
-The Baroness shoots the 2 soldiers shooting at her
-Neo-Vipers blow up the control room with their pulse guns, killing 3 soldiers
-Ripcord drives a forklift through a Neo-Viper, impaling and pinning him to a wall
-Neo-Vipers shoot through 2 soldiers
-The Baroness shoots 2 more soldiers
-Heavy Duty shoves a grenade into the surviving Neo-Viper’s mouth, causing his head to explode
-1 dead soldier behind Snake Eyes seen
-Storm Shadow briefly cuts down a soldier while fighting Snake Eyes
-Storm Shadow cuts down another soldier
-2 soldiers are killed in the background
-A Neo-Viper shoots the top floor with his pulse gun, killing 2 soldiers in the blast and causing 1 to fall down a railing to his death
-Duke shoots a pack of grenades, sending 1 Neo-Viper into a huge fusebox, electrocuting him
-A soldier falls of a really high railing due to an explosion
-2 dead soldiers are seen in the background
-Duke knocks the last Neo-Viper down The Pit to his death

Getting Out: 1
-Zartan stabs an innocent Egyptian in the back off-screen

War Flashback: 1
-Duke shoots 1 enemy soldier

Signing In: 4
-Storm Shadow kills 4 security guards with throwing stars

Weaponizing: 1
-Storm Shadow shoots a scientist

“I Told I Would Kill Him If He Touched You Again”: 1
-Storm Shadow stabs Daniel DeCobray

Chase: 18
-The Neo-Viper Hummer crashes into 9 cars, killing all the drivers
-Scarlett shoots a Neo-Viper’s head off with her electronic crossbow
-The Baroness fires rockets at Duke and Ripcord, which blows up and incinerates 3 civilians (the 4th probably survived)
-The Hummer crashes into another car, killing the driver
-A train cuts off The Hummer, killing 3 innocent driver and the Neo-Viper inside

Tower: 50
-The Nanomites fall into traffic and eat 2 cars, killing the drivers after Storm Shadow fired the warhead
-The Nanomites eat 8 cars, killing all the drivers, caused by Storm Shadow
-The Nanomites eat the tower, causing it to collapse on the bridge, killing at least 40 people (Storm Shadow’s kills)

Death of a Master: 1
-Young Storm Shadow impales The Hard Master with a sword

Outside The Cap: 2
-Scarlett shoots the 2 Neo-Vipers guarding the ice cap with her vehicle’s weapons

Distraction: 5
-A Joe is hit by a Neo-Viper’s rocket and falls out of his SHARK
-Duke shoots the 2 Neo-Vipers next to McCullen
-A SHARK is shot down by the Neo-Vipers, killing the gunner and pilot

Control Room: 8
-Scarlett shoots a Neo-Viper with her crossbow
-Snake cuts down 1 Neo-Viper with his sword
-Snake throws a shurinken into a Neo-Viper’s eye
-Scarlett shoots 2 more Neo-Vipers with her crossbow
-Scarlett shoots a tech with her crossbow
-Snake cuts down a tech trying to attack him from behind
-Snake shoots the last Neo-Viper

Bunker: 3
-The 20th Neo-Viper shoots 3 Secret Service Agents

“Just Lost My Wingman”: 4
-4 SHARKS are blown up by the cannons, killing 4 Joes (2 guys in 1 SHARK)

Snake Eyes vs Storm Shadow: 3
-Snake throws a shuriken into a tech’s chest
-Snake shoots a tech
-Snake throws a shuriken into a Neo-Viper’s eye and kicks him down the reactor, killing him

Escape: 8
-2 Neo-Vipers are seen dead (besides the ones shot by Duke earlier)
-Duke shoots 6 Neo-Vipers in a row

Underwater Chase: 15
-Ana shoots down 2 attack subs, killing 6 Neo-Vipers (3 guys in each sub)
-Duke blows up 3 Neo-Vipers in their sub with the “laser-artillery weapon”
-A Neo-Viper attack sub crashes into the sealed door, killing 3 Neo-Vipers
-Duke blows up the last attack sub, killing 3 Neo-Vipers


-The President’s death is heavily implied but he is not shown being killed
-Storm Shadow is stabbed in the chest by Snake Eyes and falls into the icy water but it is confirmed by various realible sources that he WILL appear in the sequel
-Any of the Neo-Vipers shot by their own pulse guns are counted due to the way they are shot and where they land


Bond Breakdown #04: Thunderball (1965)

Bond #04 - Thunderball 01


Thunderball (1965): Bond Breakdown by Rantbo

SPECTRE is back and in full force. Seeming to have abandoned his vendetta on Bond, Number 1 holds a conference bringing together all his operatives to report on the progress of their various nefarious deeds. Enter Emilio Largo,or as he is known within SPECTRE, Number 2 (stifle the laughter). Largo unveils his plan to hijack a British Vulcan bomber for it’s cargo of two atomic warheads, to be held for ransom for 100 mil-leon pounds “MuWahahahahahaha!”—worth of uncut diamonds. Pleased with his report, Number 1 praises Largo and the plan is set into motion. Stage one of Number 2’s plan begins at an exclusive rehabilitation clinic, where a certain world-renowned British spy is recuperating from the pre-credit’s action sequence…


Bond #04 - Thunderball 02

Bond is back and striking like Thunder!—ball? OK, what does that MEAN? Naked women in silhouette wither around in Technicolor water, bubbles dancing as the ladies smoothly dodge slow-motion harpoons whilst still remembering to let the occasional nip be slipped. It’s fun, it’s wet, it’s sexy, it‘s THUNDERBALL.

Bond #04 - Thunderball 03

I’ve seen the film several times and I still don’t really know what the Hell that means. The 00’s mission is code-named Thunderball, but it is never explained why.Whatever it seems to mean, one thing is for sure: it really pumps Tom Jones’s nads. He wails his nonsensical lyrics with lounge room swagger and I sit back and laugh. I’ve never been able to take this style of music seriously. I mean, how can you? But, I understand that this genre of music is about entertainment over substance and it, like many Bond films, manages to deliver what it promises. And for some reason, it works. This credits sequence is one of my all-time favs and would easily be in a Top 5 Bond Credit Sequences List, would I ever be inclined to make one. But don’t bet on it.


Bond #04 - Thunderball 04

Body Bags Filled [17] Bedpost Notches [3 and probably another 2 as well]

With the massive success of GOLDFINGER, Bond-Mania was officially born. Sean Connery became an action icon and for the time being, he ran with it. Appearing neither shaken nor stirred about following up the worldwide smash of the previous installment, Connery hits the ground strutting just a few months after the phenomenon that was the theatrical release of GOLDFINGER. It takes a lot of chutzpah to jump right back into a role that is sure to be critically compared and heavily scrutinized, but lucky for us, Connery is a pro and didn’t disappoint.

It is hard to talk about Bond without bringing up the an amazing key factor in his on screen creation and success: Terrence Young. Back in the director’s chair, for his farewell performance, Young makes sure to get his views on the character across and put the new budget and success to bloody good use. And it’s easy to spot his return to the helm, even without reading his name in the credits. The main indicator being in the return of a more able 007. Bond is back on top and rarely lets the villain get the better of him. This is something that was clearly, I won’t say lacking, but missing, in the previous installment.

Bond #04 - Thunderball 05

In THUNDERBALL, Bond spends the better part of the film using his keen detection skills and witty demeanor to stay in step with a villain that has the upper hand. He does this to not only solve the mystery of the missing NATO warheads, but also, I think, to prove to himself (and the audience) that he’s still the MAN. In order to keep up with Largo, Bond spends every scene he shares with him cleverly berating and mocking the man. Both Bond and Largo know that he is guilty, so it becomes a game of wit and class. Can Bond break Largo’s cool and discover how he is hiding the warheads? Or will Largo continue to stay a step ahead of Bond and prove that he is worthy of his position in SPECTRE? These are the questions that keep the (thunder)ball rolling.

As it happens, the only time that Largo actually does manage to get the better of Bond, is when Bond himself screws up. Alerting Largo’s men to his presence by dropping his gun, causing it to miss-fire and give away his position. Young does this, I think, to assure us that Bond is still human. He makes mistakes—BUT, he is STILL James Bond. Rest assured he will still save the day, get the girl and defeat evil, because, as I have already pointed out, Bond is the MAN. He’s not just some sap that allows the villain to control the plot of the movie. This is Bond’s world and don’t you forget it.


Bond #04 - Thunderball 06

Guy Doleman as Count Lippe and Paul Stassino as Angelo Palazzi

These two rascals play key parts within the film, yet have very little screen-time and are both taken out early on. Though I thought them both worth mentioning as they still gave memorable performances. Lippe is great, simply because he tries to kill Bond with a back-breaking hump machine. They call it a “spinal traction machine” in the film, but I know a pelvic thrust toner when I see one.

As for Palazzi, this guy is hardcore. He has spent two years of his life undergoing flight training and complete facial reconstruction to play the role of NATO pilot François Derval for the course of an afternoon. The problem is the silly bastard thought that he could demand a higher payment the day of the operation and actually expect SPECTRE to pay up AFTER the job was completed. What a maroon.

Bond #04 - Thunderball 07

Philip Locke as Vargas

This wormy bugger is Largo’s “personal assistant”. From an audience point of view, having just been privy to GOLDFINGER’s Oddjob and having to compete for screen-time with fellow henchman, the distractingly sexy Fiona, this guy almost disappears within the film. His unique henchman characteristic is that he is the founder of the straight-edge movement. Meaning Vargas abstains from alcohol, smoking and hanky panky. He is kind of like a willing version of myself. So for that, I remembered him. Plus he has a bichin’ death scene and allows Bond to deliver my favorite post-mortem one-liner in the film, but more on that later.

Bond #04 - Thunderball 08

Bob Simmons as Colonel Jacques Bouvar aka Number 6

It takes a real man to pull off whippin’ ass in a pair of 6 inch heals, so thankfully they had such a man: stuntman extraordinaire, Bob Simmons. We only know a little about Jacques, he killed a couple of James’s colleagues, he tried to fake his own death, and he’s the type of man that doesn’t feel the need to have to shave his legs to wear a skirt to a wake. I’ll be covering more on his character in The Best Fight segment, so I’ll just say I’m glad Simmons gets his due on screen. A great fight, by one of the godfathers of modern action. Bob is God.

Bond #04 - Thunderball 09

Luciana Paluzzi as Fiona Volpe

Holy bulbous flesh-melons, this chick is two-shades of all-right! I start my blurb on this girl with a crude male-chauvinist remark breaking her performance down to a mere objectified physical thrill, because this woman represents the complete opposite. I figured I should take the initiative to knock the feminist movement down a peg or two as Fiona Volpe spends all her screentime building it back up from the rubble left in the wake of Pussy Galore.

Apparently the writers of THUNDERBALL took a slight offense to some of the negative remarks made by critics over the ludicrous presumption that a lesbian henchwoman could or would renounce both her professional and sexual lifestyle after spending one afternoon bumping uglies with Bond in a hay loft. In response, they created Fiona. A villain that mocks James for his ego and gives him an awesome verbal beating:

“James Bond, who only has to make love to a woman and she starts to hear Heavenly choirs singing. She repents, then immediately returns to the side of right and virtue. —But not this one.”

While she is not the first sexy Female SPECTRE agent, she is certainly my favorite. Not only is she stunningly beautiful, she is also a take-no-shit cold-blooded assassin. How cool is that? She seduces, she kidnaps and kills. And the way she handles her rocket-fitted motorcycle with enough grace and skill to make Chuck Norris blush—makes Fiona the perfect villainess.

Bond #04 - Thunderball 10

Adolfo Celi as Emilio Largo aka Number 2

As his name would suggest, Largo is second in command only to Number 1 (whom I must mention is portrayed once again by Eric Pohlmann and Tim Moxon). And to get to such a high position within the organization, this guy has to know his shit (as his name also suggests… stifle the laughter).  A master planner and head of SPECTRE’s extortion operations, Largo is a return to the more realistic (well, more so than Goldfinger) villain and represents the brain of the Bond nemesis.

Looking like Jay Leno in pirate regalia, Adolfo Celi really had his work cut out for him in following Goldfinger and I think he did a pretty good job. And much like Goldfinger, Largo is a cold calculating man, with plans of grandeur. He differs in that he is never able to one-up Bond, as his temper and pride keep diverting him from the overall goal. Largo openly invites James into his inner circle, daring him to figure out how he is pulling off his global act of extortion. He is so confident that he has pulled off the perfect plan that Bond’s consistent mocking doesn’t sweat him one bit. Until, of course, Bond turns his mistress against him. Women… It is in her that his downfall lies, but also—his most memorable villainous endeavor. When Largo tortures a bound Domino with lit cigarettes and ice-cubes, he truly makes you hate him. It takes a complete lack of morality to perform such an egregious act on someone so beautiful. Hey, I think I figured out the title! Yes, sir, to harm Bond’s love interest in such a way—Emilio Largo shows he truly has—Thunder-Balls.


Bond #04 - Thunderball 11

Maryse Guy Mitsouko as Madame LaPorte

While on a mission in France, Bond is investigating the “death” of Number 6 and Madame LaPorte is his liaison. Her role is limited to just a minute or two and only a couple of  lines, but in that time the filmmakers did manage to suggest that before his time in France was over, Bond would “tour the Louvre”, if you know what I mean…

LaPorte: “Ez der anyzing else our French station can do for Monsieur Bond?”
Bond [smiling]: “Later, perhapsh.”

Bond #04 - Thunderball 12

Molly Peters as Patricia Fearing

Sent to a health clinic for—well, his health—Bond is taken under the care of nurse Fearing. First off, I have to say, not the best choice in naming someone that is in the position of health care, Mr. Fleming. Anyways, this girl is special in that she is the first one that I can think of that manages to completely shut Bond down after numerous charming attempts at coitus. Not to say that they don’t have sex, ‘cuz boy do they. It just happens to be against her will. No, Bond doesn’t rape her, but he does the next closest thing.

After Bond is nearly humped to death on the “back” machine, Patricia begs Bond not to tell her superior as she was supposed to be watching him. Bond agrees, provided… Yeah you guessed it. Of course after this steamy instance, she is completely in love and embarrasses herself time and again with her fondness for Bond the remainder of his stay.

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Martine Beswick as Paula Caplan

Paula is Bond’s assistant in the Bahamas. She helps him to get in good with Domino and spends the rest of her time working behind the scenes with Felix, giving Bond intel and helping him search for the location of the missing NATO plane. Paula’s role is also a small one, but she is the second potential Bond lay mentioned above in the tally. Eventually captured by Fiona, she is taken to Largo for questioning, where she takes her own life via cyanide capsule. And it’s very sad. But if you want to see her in a role in which she for certain spends the night with Bond AND lives past the next morning, check her out as Zora in FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE.

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Claudine Auger as Dominique ‘Domino’ Derval

You know the type of beauty that makes you feel like you’re an unworthy zit on the ass of sub-par existence? Claudine Auger, everybody. Arguably THE most naturally beautiful girl to ever grace the Bond stage. Spending almost all of her screen time in skimpy bathing suits, she is almost a threat to the screenwriters’ hard work as I find it hard to follow the plot while staring at her navel. Even her name is sexy beyond all rational fairness: Dominique—Mmm, excuse me while I massage myself for a minute or two…

So, what else do we know about this goddess? Well, according to Bond, she swims like a man and has two moles on her left thigh. Oh, she is also sister to François Derval and mistress to Emilio Largo. The latter two details arguably being the most crucial to the plot—arguably.

I forget how, probably because I was goggling her physique, but Domino is entrusted to Largo as his plaything. On one hand it makes me want to cry, on the other—I should be so lucky. Claudine plays the role like a world class game of domi—checkers. And her subtle character quirks play out like a wet dream. When with Largo, Dominique is quiet and demure, never making eye contact. The opposite when in Bond’s company. She has a sparkle in her eye, a spring in her step and it’s the only time you see her smile. Domino is class personified and though her situation sucks, she handles it with grace. That is until Bond lets her know who killed her brother, right after some underwater escapades (screwing in the ocean). A woman scorned is a dangerous thing, Largo—you pompous bastard. So, Dom decides to help Bond find the stolen warheads and in return she asks him for one thing, that he make Largo pay for his misdeeds with his life. It’s a Deal. Sealed with a kiss.


With the creation of the modified DB5, the Bond franchise got something that had previously been missing from the series: Lucrative merchandising. A mistake they planned not to make again. Not only does the “most famous car in the world” make another appearance, so does Q and a cavalcade of new gadgets.

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Q visits Bond in the field for the first time and boy does he bring the Calvary:
– A Portable Pocket Sized Air Supply with 4 minutes of oxygen
– A Breitling ‘Top Time’ Diver Chronometer Watch with built-in Geiger Counter
– An Underwater Camera with infra-red film and another with a built-in Geiger Counter
– A Portable Pocket Mini-Flare Gun

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Bond also begins the festivity that is the highest budget 007 film (at the time, of course) with the ever memorable Jet Pack. A JET PACK! The fact that this thing was a real working device back in 1965 is crazy. Up until watching this, I had no idea that such a device was probable. Though I did go to a small town public school, in my defense. Even though Bond looks like a total dork in his ping-pong ball helmet, this doesn’t dissuade this from being one of the coolest Bond gadgets of all time. “No well dreshed man should be without one.”

As an added bonus, Bond is also outfitted with an underwater Jet-Pack  late in the film that fires harpoons, has a built in smoke screen (misused in the film), a headlight and a high speed propeller. Q, what will you think of next?


The Body Count [60 + 1 Shark]

Connery gets his second largest Bond Killcount with 17, through a variety of ways you can view here. The rest of the count is quite large and features just as many variations. Electric chair, poison gas, drowning, “heart attack”, a car explosion, eaten by sharks, cyanide, shot, harpooned, knifed and by boat explosion. Whew, now that’s entertainment!

The Best Fight:

We join 007 at the funeral for one Jacques Bouvar, a man responsible for killing two of Bond’s fellow agents. James surveys the proceedings with a sense of uncomfortable uncertainty. Something is clearly up. As the ceremony comes to an end, Bond watches the widow Bouvar enter her car and something suddenly becomes clear to him.

Tailing the widow home to her château, Bond surprises her with a punch to the jaw. She drops like a sack of hammers and Terrence Young successfully manages to top all the misogyny of the last entry within the first couple minutes in his return to the series. Eat your heart out, Guy Hamilton! But wait! A second later the scenario becomes reassuringly PC, as the grieving and now punch drunk woman is revealed to be her “late” husband, SPECTRE agent Jacques Bouvar in disguise! That’s right!—That ain’t no woman! It’s a man, baby!

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Bond saw straight through his ruse, as Jacques failed to wait for a man to open his car door for him. Hmm—This was a pretty thin hunch to act on, but thankfully this was the 60s, and Bond was right to question such un-ladylike behavior. Of course this means that we now have a fight on our hands—and what a fight it is. War has officially been declared on Feng Shui as Bond and Bouvar proceed to mess shit up on a massive level in one totally bitchin WWE-style grudge match. The only thing missing was an into by Michael Buffer and the 10-second tap-out rule.

The two fist-tango until Jacques gets out of hand and whacks James with a iron-poker. Bad form, Bouvar! It’s cool though, James gets him back by strangling him with it and throwing a bunch of flowers on his corpse. Take that, old chap!

The Most Satisfying Kill:

While trying to locate the NATO warheads for Bond, Domino is caught by Largo and subsequently tortured for it. Largo—you sonnovabitch! This seems to be the last straw for Miss Derval. Freed from her bonds—rope, bonds, she takes matters into her own hands and ends up saving James in the nick of time by blasting Largo in the back with a spear gun, effectively getting revenge and making herself appear even MORE sexy.

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Domino: I’m glad I killed him.
Bond: You’re glad!


Best Witticism:

[After impaling Vargas onto a tree via harpoon]

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Bond: I think he got the point.

Best Double Entendre

Bond: Perhaps we can have dinner together?
Domino: No.
Bond: My dear, uncooperative Domino…
Domino: How do you know that!? How do you know that my friends call me Domino?
Bond: It’s on the bracelet on your ankle.

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Domino [walking away]: SoWhat sharp little eyes you’ve got.
Bond: Wait till you get to my teeth.


With the massive success of GOLDFINGER, the producers vowed to the public (and to their wallets) to have another Bond adventure in theaters by the following Christmas season. Just in time for some new plastic replicated gadgets and toys to find their way onto department store shelves…

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So, production began ASAP and in order to one-up the previous installment, the producers turned once again to cinematic Bond maestro, Terrence Young. The theme this time around seemed to be BIGGER than the BIGGER theme of GOLDFINGER. Knowing they had a surefire hit on their hands, producers Cubby Broccoli and Harry Saltzman spared no expense. And it shows. Roughly 25% of the film takes place underwater and that ain’t hay. It’s H20. Lame jokes aside, you have to give them a hand, this film is beautiful. But it is not without consequence.

With the insanely popular Aston Martin making mad cash in appearances at expos and racking it in on the small scale toy side, it was clear that the public liked those nifty Q-Lab creations. How is this a negative? Well, this is the beginning of style overtaking substance. It’s not to a horrifying degree, but it does take a little away from the story and characters.

Rather than a need to be crafty or inventive, Bond merely just needed to whip out whatever it was that Q conveniently created for him a day earlier. It’s a real double edged sword with laser sighting and built-in ball washer.

The other problem that more money creates is grandeur. As in the grandiose underwater sequences filmed for the climactic battle scene. Superbly shot and action packed—they never seem to stop. Editor Peter Hunt has said that the original cut of the sequence was about four minutes, a full minute longer than what he normally kept to. Amazing though it was, the producers clamored for MORE, MORE, MORE! And a tight spectacular little submerged scene transformed into a 10 minute juggernaut. And boy does it begin to wear after the 6 minute mark. I can only watch so many faceless stunt men get hit bloodlessly with harpoons and engage in slow-motion struggles with diving knifes before my attention starts to wear. Again, it’s not bad, it’s just a little too much.

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The only other real issue I have with the film comes directly after the underwater showdown. Escaping with what little he has left, Largo powers up his boat and makes for the equator. Too bad for him, Bond is on board. James confronts Largo and a handful of his men in the ship’s bridge. Of course, nothing can be easy and before long the boat is at high speed and out of control. It’s a thrilling scene of macho fisticuffs, but it comes off as silly because the footage is inter-cut with shots of terrible looking green screen. The screen footage is traveling at ludicrous speed and even with well placed shots of someone dramatically turning the wheel to avoid collision, there is just no believable way that they would be able to dodge the islands at the speed in which they are flying at the screen. It’s just—silly, and it takes away from an otherwise spectacular finale.

That said, THUNDERBALL is still an immensely entertaining entry. The characters, story and action are all top-notch BOND and apparently I am not alone in thinking so. Back when it premiered, this flick made more in it’s opening week than the three predecessors made combined. Increased for inflation, this film has made almost One Beil-Yun Doll-Rs worldwide. That kind of money can buy a lot of James Bond Scuba Dolls, to be sure. A classic entry in the series, THUNDERBALL is also one of the greatest.

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[X] Destroys Evil Doer’s Lair*
[  ] Drinks or Orders a Vesper Martini
[  ] Gets Captured and/or Tortured
[  ] Introduces Himself As “Bond—James, Bond”**
[X] Teams-Up With Felix Leiter
[X] Uses Judo or a Walther PPK to Dispose of an Enemy
[X] Wears a Tux

*Bond destroys the Disco Volante, the boat which Number 2 used for his dastardly deeds.
**Fiona refers to him in this way, but he never says it himself.

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Bond: Thish ish going to hurt a bit.

RANTBO will return in (a breakdown of) YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE

Thunderball (1965) © Danjaq S.A., United Artists, MGM Home Entertainment and Sony Pictures Entertainment