Mutant Chronicles: Age Of The Green Screen

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Mutant Chronicles (2008): Breakdown by Rantbo

Machine from space turns humans into zombie-mutants. Tom Jane fucks shit up.

[THE EXECUTION]

The best way I can think to describe this film is, RESIDENT EVIL meets WAR OF THE WORLDS, THE DIRTY DOZEN and THE DESCENT set in a post apocalyptic steam-punk future—on a low budget. Which could either be one of the worst ideas ever, or just some mediocre bullshit. The year is—I’m not looking it up, fuck it, it doesn’t matter… It’s the future, and the world is controlled by corporations. The one running the West countries and the one running the East countries are at war and whilst killing one another, they awaken an ancient space-death machine that turns human bodies into T-Virus-like mutants. These ‘worker-ant’ muties job is to stoke the fires of the “machine” with more bodies, and they really take pride in their work. The Earth, in short, is fucked. Enter Ron Pearlman and his Dirty-Half Dozen, suicide squad, hand-picked and heaven-bent on saving the world on a million-to-one shot.

I’m on the mediocre bullshit side of the fence, simply because no matter how shitty the films are that he appears in (PUNISHER 2004), Tom Jane kicks ass. But saving grace, though he is, this film still borderlines the suck. Like I mentioned above, it’s extremely low budget, at least it is for the scope that the screenwriters must have originally intented. I’m not one to usually bitch about this sort of thing, as I seriously doubt I could take the same limited means and create something as good as this flick, but I wouldn’t have tried either. My advice would have been to tone down the Sci-Fi a bit, by taking a little more modern setting and thus nixing a bunch of those unnecessary and embarrassing green screen shots. But I have yet to be paid a dime for my opinion, so what the fuck do I know? Aside from that shit, it wasn’t too horrifying.

Was it worth watching? Yeah, I guess. Again, for nothing else than to watch Tom Jane say fuck and kill shit in unapologetic rage-fueled violent ways. So, if that sounds like a good time, rent this shit and have a party, ‘cuz that’s exactly what you’ll get.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Thomas Jane is Sgt. John Mitchell ‘Mitch’ Hunter

Mitch is a hard talkin‘, hard smokin’, stoic old school BadAssMotherFucker with an attitude. When he isn’t busy slaughtering both zombie-mutant hybrids and asshole humans that rub him the wrong way, he’s smoking and grumbling curse words under his breath. He’s angry, loaded and filled to the brim with bloodlust and religious contempt. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear he was my father.

[THE BODY COUNT: THE HUMAN RACE [-] A FEW HUNDRED]

More than INDEPENDENCE DAY and ARMAGEDDON combined. The film begins in the middle of a war on a very bloody battle field. So, a shit-load die right there. Then the mutants get unleashed and a shit-load more die. Then the mutants spread and wipe out humanity. Add a mother-fucking shit-ton. THEN there are the deaths involved amongst the heroic team as they descend deeper into the zombies nest.

Not to mention the assload of mutants that get butchered along the way.  Even if Tom Jane wasn’t in this film, the body count alone would have probably made it worth watching. So, there you go. One more reason to watch.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

There are quite a few violently funny novelty kills, but my favorite has to go to Tom Jane’s utter ownage of one of the random muties. After he sets the fucker on fire with an oil lamp, he kicks it to it’s knees and chops off it’s head with a sword.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Not so much. Tom Jane does, however, have a special bond with his commanding officer from the battle-grounds before the whole mutant apocalypse. It comes up later as well, but it’s nothing outside of the everyday ordinary suppressed homoerotic jarhead hierarchies.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Ladies are ALMOST seen as equals in this one, and in fact they end up out surviving many of the men. Just like in real life. Except, I did happen to notice that there wasn’t any female mutants, leading me to believe that the over throwers of the planet knew that the Y gene was far superior for ruling and control. Thus the men of our planet where chosen alone to be worthy of being converted into the soldiers and future rulers of Mutant Earth.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

I don’t want to spoil it with a picture, so I’ll just say that Jane solidifies himself as a ballsy hero when he is strapped-to and escapes-from the mutant converter machine. And while it isn’t what I would call a clean getaway (at all), it is certainly the best sequence in the film.

“What do you believe?”

“I’m not paid to believe. I’m paid to fuck shit up.”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

“You can fuck a lot of people, you only die once.”

[THE CHECKLIST: 13 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[  ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

The Dark Knight killcount

The Dark Knight (2008)

Starring Christian Bale

and Heath Ledger

Watch video:

Get the Flash Player to see this player.

Bale kills 1

Ledger kills 23

Discuss

The Dark Knight rights held by Warner Bros.

Passenger Snipes 57

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Passenger 57 (1992): Breakdown by Rantbo

DIE HARD on a plane and at a state fair, then back on a plane again.

[THE EXECUTION]

You know the scenario. When terrorists attack! This time, it’s at 35,000 feet and the only man able(willing) to do anything about it is Wesley Snipes. Because Bruce Willis was busy shooting THE LAST BOYSCOUT. But these aren’t just any terrorists, these guys are lead by Charles Rane (Michael Bolton), whom Snipes must stop from, not only escaping, but also from killing stewardess Marti Slayton (Michael Jackson).

PASSENGER was an obvious DIE HARD archetype, meant to rope in the fans of the one-man-versus-many-in-a-small-area-starting-with-no-weapons formula and it delivers pretty much what you could hope for. Snipes is(or at least, was) a fun guy to watch. His lackadaisical charm and good looks segues well into a stoic bug-eyed badass and when he kicks mother fuckers in the jaw, you really believe that shit must have hurt.

While I would never consider the film to be even as good as the worst Die Hard, it still has some entertainment value. It was the first (at least that as far as I can tell) of the Die Hard Sub-Genre “…On A Plane” films, and in being pretty mediocre, it allowed for it’s knock-offs (of the knock-off) room to improve on the situation, with more talented casts and better writing (EXECUTIVE DECISION, AIRFORCE ONE). And though I could be wrong, as my memory is poor, I do think that 57 has the superior blood and gore. So, it still retains something to be proud of.

The only real gripe I have, aside from the “been there, seen it done WAY better” syndrome, was the music. Somebody went apeshit with the fucking bass guitar. Seriously, what the fuck? Practically every scene that doesn’t feature Snipes kicking the shit out of somebody, has a loud-ass layover of shitty bass-fueled jazz music. And I’m a big fan of jazz music in Action film; HARD BOILED anyone?  So in order for me to not only notice the mood music enough to have my attention taken away from the dialogue, but also get pissed-off about the amount and volume, is something odd that should have never made it through the sound editing. But, all-in-all, PASSENGER 57 is an OK flick, and if you’re into DIE HARD and Die Hard formulaic flicks, this should prove to be an entertaining enough 90 minutes and change. Though if a choice must be made between the two, I’d easily still go for AIRFORCE ONE. “GET OFF MY PLANE!”

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Wesley Snipes is Undercover Security Officer John Cutter is Passenger 57

“Tell me you’re good at this.”
“I’m the best.”

Nothing really special to report. Cutter is your average, everyday, burnt-out cop that can’t help but risk his life for people under the threat of terrorist scum. He’s very good at some type of martial arts, that deals with power kicks and bobbing back and forth like a boxer. But, I wouldn’t call it kickboxing. Snipe-Fu, perhaps. ‘Cuz it’s the same shit he does in every movie he fights someone in. So, Cutter kills some terrorists, saves some unfortunate looking woman and gets in a brawl with Michael Bolton’s Evil Twin. Pretty cut and dry.

[THE BODY COUNT: 19]

Cutter cuts down a disappointing 5, meanwhile the terrorists kill a sort-of impressive 14 airline guests, cops and county fair attendants. Pretty lackluster, considering how many opportunities there were for civilian and terrorist massacres.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Whilst trying to shoot Cutter in his back in the middle of a state fair, Bolton’s henchman misses completely and tags a clown instead.

Take that, you goofy looking fuck!

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

“That’s what I admire about you. Even though you were being hit on by an absolutely beautiful woman, you are determined to maintain your vow of chastity.”

Wesley performs some shirtless Snipe-Fu, but all the while he is thinking about his dead girlfriend. And he’s working out alone and not in the presence of other gym-jocks. So, I can’t really count it. Even straight guys take off their shirts sometimes when home alone. He does, however, take a liking (as does the villain) to the unfortunate looking woman lead. Who, as I mentioned above, looks just like late-eighties Michael Jackson.

~Shudder~

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Both Snipes and Bolton show the “flight-attendants” one for, with some backhanded lessons.

Bring the peanuts faster next time sky-cunt, or you’ll get more of the same!

Also, on a personal note, there is a moment in which Cutter refers to Michael as a stewardess and she corrects him, but quick: “FLIGHT—ATTENDANT.” Yes. There is a VERY great distinction. How dare he suggest with his barbarian chauvinistic terminology that these woman are glorified walking soda-machines with tits! And just because they are, is no excuse. Look, giving something a euphemistic name change, doesn’t change what something is, it just covers it up with bovine-droppings. These people are airplane waiters and let them be happy with that.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Get the Flash Player to see this player.

Copyright held by Warner Bros. Pictures

Epic Moment = That Camera Zoom.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Elizabeth Hurley was a FOX! Oh, and of course, always bet on black, mother fucker!

[THE CHECKLIST: 16 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[X] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[  ] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[X] Tis The Season
[Christmas via Flashback]
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

A Collaboration Album, A World Tour… You Bitch.

Arnold The Barbarian

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Conan The Barbarian (1982): Breakdown by Kain424

A young boy’s home and village is massacred in violent raid.  He grows up to be Arnold Schwarzenegger, and gets his bloody revenge.

[THE EXECUTION]

After the fiasco that was Hercules In New York, Arnold Schwarzenegger went back to focusing on bodybuilding. After winning several more titles and being a stand-out in the documentary Pumping Iron, he headed back to the world of film. There were small roles in flicks like Scavenger Hunt and The Long Goodbye and a Golden Globe winning turn in the drama Stay Hungry, but it was when writer/director John Milius picked him for an adaptation of Robert E. Howard’s Conan stories that Arnie’s career would finally take off.

The film stands as a cannibalization of many sources, Nietzschean philosophy, Howard’s Hyborean myths, and the many sword and sandal pictures before it. Milius took this and added his own, rugged individualist themes and unknown faces to the cast.

As soon as the Nietzsche quote appears on the screen, you know you are in for a different kind of film. The movie is willing to quote a tough phrase, ominous drums pounding as it does, and tells us that it will be taking itself very seriously. The rest of the film follows the wildly operatic tone of Basil Poledouris’s music, with tons of blood thrown in.

Make no mistake about it, Conan The Barbarian is one gory film. Gory with tits and ass. At one point, Arnold jumps into the middle of an orgy (yes, I’m fucking serious) and begins hacking away at anyone willing to challenge the phallic sword he’s brought to the party. That’s pretty much the motif of this film; if Conan’s not fighting, he’s fucking. And it looks like it hurts, either way.

Also worth mentioning is the fact that James Earl “Darth Vader” Jones is in this one. As the bad guy. They give him long, black hair and blue eyes and the ability to turn into a goddamn snake! Just when you think you’ve seen it all, Darth Snakehead then shoots arrows at his opponents… Arrows made of snakes!

Overall, the visuals are damn great, the story is good, the Action is violent and thrilling, and the music is perfect. This is sword and sorcery done right, with all the goofy things taken seriously and the battles well-staged. Definitely a favorite of mine, and a recommendation to you.

On another note, much has been said in regards to the faithfulness of this film in relation to Howard’s original works. Usually in the negative. I, however, am going to disagree. Howard’s Conan was really about maintaining your individual self, through power, cunning and will, from outside forces (usually ancient and magical evils or corrupt and so-called “civilized” ones). While Milius’ Conan does indeed spend the earlier portions of the film not as a free warrior, but as a slave of one kind or another, it is at the film’s close that the message becomes clear. Conan doesn’t need Thulsa Doom to exist, nor his father’s sword to be strong. He stands before the followers of his fallen foe, nearly naked and without a weapon, a free man, powerful enough to topple a thousand year-old religion and face the consequences of his actions. He is free.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Arnold Schwarzenegger is Conan

Conan is probably the most bad-ass character ever created in the fantasy genre (yeah, I’ll be that bold), so it’s only natural that Arnold Schwarzenegger should be picked to play the big brute.  Sure, he doesn’t talk nearly as much as his literary counterpart, but he makes up for it in violent ferociousness.  Arnold is proficient in the use of his sword, and allows for some truly bad-ass moments.

-Kills his first man with his bare hands.

-Learns to use a samurai sword.

-Kills a giant snake with only a couple swings of his sword.

-Gets crucified like Jesus, but kills the bird that tries eating on him

-Survives said crucifixion

-Topples a religion in a couple sword strokes

[THE BODY COUNT: 75 + 1 BUZZARD & 1 SNAKE]

Before the first 10 minutes are up, we are witness to about 25 onscreen deaths, all of which are violent.  This sets the tone for the remainder of the film.  While filming, Milius and his crew had the motto, “More Blood!”  Well, they redefined what had become a silly genre, and this film remains nearly unmatched in terms of sheer bloody fervor.  Conan himself kills 27 people (and the giant snake mentioned earlier), all in fairly violent fashion, and mostly with his massive pen– er, um, sword.

There are 75 total onscreen deaths, but there are also corpses, mutilated bodyparts, and burning villages to indicate many more deaths.  In the orgy chamber, they are serving human remains to those partaking in the festivities.  And Arnold kills a buzzard with his teeth.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]

Conan vs. Rexor (played by former NFL player Ben Davidson).  When two huge guys with big-ass swords go at one another, this is what it would look like.  There aren’t a lot of fancy moves, just two dudes chopping chunks out of one another.  Like Costner’s final battle in Robin Hood Prince Of Thieves, it’s also about the main character fighting his father, but it’s also just bad-fucking-ass.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Schwarzenegger plays Conan as a guy that’ll fuck about anyone, so he’s not gay so much as just really interested in cumming.  He seems primarily interested is women, but there is a scene where he stumbles upon some people giving it hard to a camel (yep) and has a laugh until he himself bumps into a camel.  His curiosity only going so far, Conan literally knocks the camel out in a single punch.  Conan has his limits.

Later, Conan pretends he’s gay, wearing flowers and luring a priest away from onlookers to steal his clothes.  Hey, that robe looked very comfy.

It’s also possible to read into Conan’s relationship with the Mongolian archer, Subotai.  They run about through fields together and share meals whilst talking about religious philosophy.  There’s a moment later in the film, when Conan, Subotai and Valeria are putting on their paint and Subotai gives Conan a jealous look because Valeria is applying Conan’s make-up.  Or maybe I’m just reading too much into the scene.  But given the big barbarian’s general horny behavior, I think it’s a safe bet that they had some man-on-man cave sex during at least some point in their travels.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

If they aren’t Sandhal Begman’s Valeria (which sounds an awful lot like a venereal disease anyway), then women in this film are shown to be sluts, easily manipulated, or witches.  After banging one woman, Conan literally tosses her into a fireplace.  Sure, she was a witch, but the message is clear: bag ‘em, bang ‘em, and burn ‘em, ‘cuz there’s no living with ‘em.

Conan The Cuddler

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

This is one of those films with many awesome lines, but I’ll go with the most quoted.  Conan sits stoically atop a table, wise in the ways of battle and uninterested in the men bickering around him about what is best in life.  Finally, they ask him:

“Conan?  What is best in life?”

The response:

“To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women!”

Yeah, Conan is a fucking barbarian.  And it’s awesome.

The epic moment comes far later in the film, when Conan finally understands the Riddle of Steel.  He is confronted with the idea that without the man who made him who he is today still around, Conan might no longer have a purpose in his life.  Conan realizes his father was wrong, that it is not steel that has the power.  But Conan also understands that Thulsa Doom is wrong, and it is not the flesh wielding the steel that holds the power.  The steel can break and the flesh can grow weak.  It is the will, the spirit that alone must be strong to harness both.  This lesson concludes with Conan teaching Thulsa through a metaphor:

He uses his father’s broken sword to chop Thulsa’s fucking head off and then tosses it at his hundreds of gathered follower’s feet.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Through focus and determination, one can do anything.  Also, raiding villages is all fun and games until a survivor grows up to be Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Then you’re fucked.

[THE SIGNS OF SCHWARZENEGGER: 4 outta 5]

[X] Performs A Ridiculous Feat(s) of Strength
[  ] Says, “I’ll be back.”
[X] Shows Off Buffness
[X] Unnecessarily Violent Opponent Dispatch
[X] Wields A Big Gun or Sword With One Arm

[THE CHECKLIST: 21 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse*
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[X] Unnecessary Sequel
[Conan The Destroyer]
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

*orgy chamber

King Before Governor

Conan The Barbarian (1982) © Dino De Laurentiis Corporation and Universal Studios Home Entertainment

Conan: The Destroyer Of Franchises

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Conan The Destroyer (1984): Breakdown by Rantbo

Between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the sons of Arius, there was an age undreamed of, when shining kingdoms lay spread across the world and Arnold Schwarzenegger was still gay.  Hither came Conan, the Cimmerian, sword in hand. A big long and thick one.

[THE EXECUTION]

So, rather than becoming king (as the end of the first film suggested), Conan is still slumming around as a vagrant and thief, now with a “humorous” sidekick. Thankfully though, the movie doesn’t piss-away time with that nonsense and instead Conan is given a bunch of other, more exciting, nonsense to do.

Accepting a quest from Queen Evil Lyn (looked just like her), Conan is asked to take her Niece, the Princess Jehnna, on a quest to find a key. A key (which is actually a diamond(?)) that for some reason or another, only she can touch. I also remember something about a birthmark, but whatever. There is, however, a catch. Jehnna must remain a virgin. And who better to guard her hymen than Arnold ‘Conan’ Schwarzenegger, a man who fucks anything; animal, mineral or vegetable and Wilt ‘20,000 Bed Notches’ Chamberlin? But in an extremely odd twist, neither of these two fuck anyone… Not even each other. Needless to say, this movie was kind of disappointing.

On top of the fact that the only sex Arnold and Wilt have is with metaphorical steel penises, and that this movie was clearly written as an intended swords & sorcery orgy, that the film refuses to deliver, it is also; rated PG, loaded with unnecessary comic relief and directed by someone not named John Milius. However, once again (as I thought with the first) the set design, locations and cinematography are breathtaking. Not to mention, this film is still quite a lot of fun.

I think Arnold has more lines in the first ten minutes of this film, than in the entirety of the first. I’m still undecided as to whether or not that is a good thing. Most of his dialogue is unnecessary, as he is usually just explaining what it is we are already seeing on film. Which, I have to believe was due to a combination of Arnold’s rise in fame from the first CONAN and those pussies over at Universal Pictures trying to make him a family friendly icon. An obviously great idea, as nothing says family entertainment like a 6’2″ steroid fueled Austrian bodybuilder known for pumping iron till he cums and fucking like a rabbit in springtime. But, the dialogue isn’t all annoying, as he does keep saying “CROM!” when he gets excited or pissed. Which is pretty funny.

DESTROYER is PG, but it’s pre-PG-13 PG, meaning there are still blood spraying squib cuts and lopped off flying heads.  Which is great, but make no mistake, this film was violently pussified. So, I guess you could say, it’s fun for all ages. And while it’s not nearly as good as the original, CONAN THE DESTROYER is still leaps and bounds better than most sword and sorcery films of the eighties. It just got bogged down by the studio dicks trying to make it like the “other” ones. If you enjoyed part one, DESTROYER is well worth a watch, so long as you keep your expectations lower than the first.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Arnold Schwarzenegger is Conan

“You’re a barbarian. You live free in the world. You owe allegiance to no one. Is that not so?”
Conan: “It is, and it always will be.”

Princess Jehnna: “I suppose nothing hurts you.”
Conan: “Only pain.”

-Opens the film by killing half a dozen men on horseback.
-Punches out a horse. And the “same” camel from part one.
-Slaughters a group of cannibalistic tribesmen.
-Professionally Wrestles a giant lizard man in a cape, and impales the wizard’s stomach who was controlling it with his his sword.
-Together with Chamberlin, power lifts a 3-foot thick stone wall.
-Infiltrates a palace and kills some guards.
-Kills Wilt Chamberlin with a blade penetration. Fitting.
-Kills the God of Femininity with his bare hands and his giant coc—er, sword.

[THE BODY COUNT: 50ish]

Conan kills 23 leather clad bitches, four less than his last outing, but he does slay a couple demons as well. So there is that. The rest of his mystical wrecking crew, slaughters around 20 and before being sent back to Hades, the demon impales Evil Lyn with its “horn” and squishes a rando guy beneath its foam-rubber clodhoppers.

Again, this is not nearly as violent as it should have been, but it would still be a borderline R, by today’s pussified standings. So, under the circumstances, it’s an acceptable amount of carnage.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]

Conan vs. Lizard Wizard

Whilst trying to steal the mystical diamond “key” from a sorcerer’s palace, Conan incurs the wrath of the homeowner, who attacks him with a magically controlled seven foot tall wrestler with a reptile-like demon head and Little Red Riding’s Hood.

The two well oiled beefcakes proceed to wrestle one another, 80s style, complete with some signature moves, that I’m sure Vince McMahon contemplated suing over. And Conan eventually defeats the beast by breaking a bunch of shit and chucking his sword through the wizard’s torso. Death by phallic penetration is always cool.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Much like I felt in the first film, I am conflicted as to whether or not Conan is willing to fuck everything, or if he is just bisexual. Like the below picture shows, this film is incredibly contradictory and often on the sexual fence.

Angry… Or About To Cry With Joy?

Examples:

1. Conan’s greatest desire is to get his girlfriend back, yet he still tromps around in a leather cod-piece, swinging a giant phallic blade of death.

2. His pre-hair metal hair looks glorious, and is kept in place with a leather headband, perfectly quaffed, even while in battle with other leather-daddies over the task of keeping virginal pussy, virginal. Yet he makes no moves on Wilt Chamberlin, an obvious match made in barbarian heaven. It’s fucking confusing.

However, there is a moment in which Conan meets back up with Akiro (Mako, the wizard from the first film) and simply says, “I need you.” To which Akiro replies, “I’m yours.” That’s pretty straight(gay)forward.

Then there is this Christopher Lee look-alike Protector of The Horn (a bedazzled dildo), who in order to open a door, clangs his wrist guards together and waves his hands like he’s in a Madonna video.

Strike A Pose!

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Conan: “Not MY Queen!”

You can always trust this genre to put silly little women in their place and CONAN 2 is no exception. Let’s start with the Princess. When first we see her, she has just woken up in bed next to Wilt Chamberlain screaming, “ I saw it! I saw it again!”. What it is she saw, is never explained, but Wilt and the Queen insist that whatever “it” was (massive black dong) was just a bad dream. Yes, only in a nightmare would her virgin womb be expected to sheath such a monster. Best to keep her pretty little head in the dark on this one.

Next, is Grace Jones, playing herself. I’m guessing they caught her ravaging through the studio backlot and decided to wrangle her into the film. When life gives you lemons…

Grace is the epitome of a Female Fighter: laughable, unbelievable and butch. Then, about halfway through the film, her façade comes tumbling down. And what could possibly out such a fierce and intimidating warrior as a weak-willed coward of the female gender? A regular old, garden-variety rodent. That’s right, a fuzzy little rat causes the Big Bad Bush-Woman to scream out and jump up on a ledge. There, there, Wonder Woman, do you want the big strong men to carry you past the fearsome vile creature?

But the clearest piece of evidence that this film, and the genre it belongs to, was made for the sole purpose of turning young men gay with visions of oiled pecks and subjugated women, is the Demon God Dagoth. Or, Dagoth the Giant Pussy Creature, as I like to call it.

Look at that thing’s face and try not picturing a war-torn labia. You can’t. Not only does this thing make vagina look like a hideous tooth-filled killer beast, it can only survive by killing other, as yet untainted pussy. And it hates men. This thing is Republican propaganda, personified. Ladies, this is what happens if you have sex out of wedlock. So, you have two options: either get married to the first man you interact with, or stay a virgin forever. Either way, in Conan’s world, you risk chance of a pussy monster consuming you.

But, the best/most disgusting part is, Conan and crew take this beast down by making it bleed about the face like the fourth week of Lilith Fair. I know, it’s fucking gross. And then Conan finally kills it by tearing off it’s horn (clitoris) and stabbing it with his steel penis. Take that, you vile, evil, mythic vagina creature!

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

At the point of my chosen moment, Conan has gone roughly half-a-day without killing something and you can tell he’s getting edgy. Which means a bad time for anyone wanting to negotiate with him.

The protectors of the Jeweled Dildo attempt to do this and after a minute, Conan gets bored and chucks a knife into one of them.

“Enough talk!”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Diamond > Wizard, Blade > Man, Penis > Vagina.

[THE SIGNS OF SCHWARZENEGGER: 4 outta 5]

[X] Performs A Ridiculous Feat(s) of Strength
[  ] Says, “I’ll be back.”
[X] Shows Off Buffness
[X] Unnecessarily Violent Opponent Dispatch
[X] Wields A Big Sword With One Arm

[THE CHECKLIST: 17 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse*
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

*Better, there is a palace.

Conan The Destroyer (1984) © De LAurentiis and Universal Pictures

Tombstone killcount

Tombstone (1993)

Starring Kurt Russell

Watch video:

Get the Flash Player to see this player.

Russell kills 16

Discuss

Tombstone rights held by Cinergi.

Streets Of Boredom

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Streets Of Blood (2009): Breakdown by Kain424

Cops that blur the line between crooked and hard-boiled attempt to clean the streets of New Orleans.  50 Cent continues to attempt to act.

[THE EXECUTION]

Cliche.  And not in the fun way. The films starts out with a cop being asked by a police counselor if killing bothers him and I already wanted to turn it off.  In fact, before Michael Biehn showed up, I almost did.  The damn therapy sessions keep coming, and boy do they get old.  It doesn’t help that the whole thing is filmed in hand-held, so no shot is left standing still… even when they need it.

Once they get to the Action scenes (which fortunately occur frequently enough to keep one interested), the wobbly camera work is only compounded  by the lack of lighting in every shot.  So, while you’re struggling through quick-cuts and shakiness, you also have to squint in the darkness and make guesses as to what’s happening.  It’s not the worst I’ve ever seen, but it is not as entertaining as it seems to think it is either.

The direction just seems sloppy.  It’s like the guy can’t choose between trying to be a pretentious police film about inner city corrupt cops, or a cool buddy action flick and so it fails on both accounts.  There’s a scene where a drug kingpin takes the heads of all of his competition, and you’re left going, “was that it?”  That seemed easy.

If you squint, you can see Michael Biehn!

There’s some cool dialog, but unfortunately they gave it to 50 Cent, who simply isn’t bringing it in this one.  Hell, most of the time, he doesn’t even bother opening his mouth when he talks.  And speaking of the dialog, I don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about sometimes.  Check this bit out:

Val Kilmer (to another cop): “So, uh, it really is true, those rumors.  Y’all really do… eat your dead?”

50 Cent: “Eat their dead?  While I hold my socks up with thumb tacks.  And wipe my ass with razor wire.”

What the fuck does that even mean?

The film has a sense of humor, I can tell from the writing.  But since the director bungled it so badly, the movies loses it in the entertainment area.  There is also some sort of political content with the FBI only exacerbating the problems in the area, but again, the poor direction just makes you lose interest.

All of this, of course, is a shame.  Underneath all of the problems, and even allowing for some DTV slack, I think there is a good movie waiting to come out.  There are some good visuals, and the attempt to blend 70s cop films with today’s strive for gritty realism is a noble cause.  It’s too bad a lame director shot this film down from what could possibly be a great Action effort to a mediocre back-of-the-shelf cookie-cutter cop flick.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Val Kilmer is Andy Devereaux

Devereaux is sort of a modern day Bud White (from L.A. Confidential) character, not afraid to beat a suspect for information but more than willing to let young females go free from the scenes of crime without giving statements.  Unlike his 50s counterpart, however, Devereaux doesn’t seem to have any real fighting ability, getting knocked over by detained suspects and generally looking haggard and doughy.  He has a code of honor, which includes never being on the take and always keeping your partner in the know.  He has a very clear view of who the bad guys are, even if no one else shares that view.

Curtis 50 Cent Jackson is Stan Green

Jackson plays Green in a surprisingly subdued performance that I think is meant to seem conflicted.  Green has a wife and a bunch of kids, so he steals money from a crime scene at least once.  By his ethics, though, providing for his family means buying a big screen television.

[THE BODY COUNT: 39]

This film continues a very tasty trend in DTV films by having a decent bodycount, and even using squibs to indicate bullet-to-body connections.  There are many shootouts, not especially well-done, but I have to give credit where credit is due.  We get people shot in the torso mostly, but also leg and arm shots, and even a guy who gets his nuts shot off.

There are some drug-related deaths, but this is mostly just a shoot ‘em up type flick.  Most of the damage is done by the (questionably) good guys, but I’d say the baddies give about as good as they get.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

That dude who gets his nuts shot off.  For eagle-eyed viewers, there’s a nice little joke thrown in:

ouch

Right click view image to enlarge

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

There is a lot of talk here about “partners” and how a partnership “is a marriage” and whatnot, but nothing overtly gay.  50 Cent goes home to ignore his family, and only really opens up to Sharon Stone, but aside for that there’s not much.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

If the woman’s not played by Sharon Stone (who I think is trying to butch it up for this role) they are probably a slutty crack-fiend.  I don’t think there’s a well-adjusted female in this movie.  And there’s constant reference to the fact that these crackwhores’ mouths are dangerous to get close to.  It’s all very dirty.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Michael Biehn showing up and saving my attention.  That was the epic moment… at least, I can’t really think of another.

50 Cent gets the best line of the movie, when Sharon Stone asks him what he thinks of his partner:

“Guys like Andy and me?  We’re all that stands between people like you and the end of the motherfuckin’ world!”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

DTV is the last bastion for Action with a bodycount.

[THE CHECKLIST: 11 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[  ] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[  ] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[  ] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

What Happened To My Career?  Seriously!?

The 5th Commandment: Thou Shalt Kick Ass!

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

The 5th Commandment a.k.a. The Fifth Commandment (2008): Breakdown by Rantbo

Hitman with a heart of gold realizes that while he is a natural born killer, he can still learn to love a horrible dayplayer.

[THE EXECUTION]

While working in Asia, Jazzman (one of the best hitman in the assassination business), shows mercy to an orphaned child and against his better judgment, decides to raise him as his disciple, (a la LEON). Now grown, Chance (Rick Yune) has become the world’s go-to professional killer, but much like his adoptive father, is unable to bring himself to harm women or children and as such has to pass on a high profile assassination of a pop singer. So, another team is hired to fulfill the contract and Chance along with it (a la THE REPLACEMENT KILLERS). Made all the more difficult for them, as Chance has vowed to protect the insufferable starlet, (a la THE BODYGUARD). And the game is on.

Now, if that combination of classic story elements didn’t sell you on watching this, how about the fact that Chance’s mentor, Jazzman, is played by Keith “THEY LIVE” David?

Yes, Keith Fucking David. Just when you think he couldn’t be more of a BAMF, they go and make him a Vietnam vet turned hitman and part time musician. Sure, David could be a telemarketer and still out badass most of the new Action kids on the block, but this role was truly inspired. He kills with double-guns, dresses like a 70s pimp and trains the film’s star to be a cold blooded hitman from childhood. I—Love—Keith—David.

As for the rest of the film, it was a pleasant surprise. I hadn’t heard of it, until just a couple months before the time of this writing, but I’m glad I made a mental note to watch it. The story is a simple re-hashed archetype, mix-matching of a bunch of well known action films from the past couple decades. Kind of like a low-budget, even more B-Movieish, Tarantino film. But instead of 70s action cinema, COMMANDMENT’s filmmakers were clearly inspired by the 90s. Which I guess is long enough ago now that it’s within homage territory… Fuck, I’m getting old.

The film and it’s main character are unintentionally cheese-ball corny at times, the rap laden soundtrack is atrocious and a lot of the gunshot sound effects seem off. Especially the grenades, at one point they sound like a silenced mac 10 and the next like a double-barrel shotgun. It’s odd and distracting, but it’s a small gripe. All of them are. THE 5TH COMMANDMENT is an early nineties-style shoot ‘em up, and while it doesn’t live up to a Woo picture of said era, it’s still completely worth watching. And I sincerely hope that Yune continues to write and star in similar flicks, as he could end up being something quite special. Oh, and Jesse V. Johnson (THE BUTCHER), has just become my new favorite DTV director. The man simply understands good action.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Rick Yune is Chance Templeton

His name is Chance—because Keith David took one. And he’s the best MC (hired killer) in the business. Which means that he has broken the 5th commandment. A lot. And thankfully, we get to watch him do it a whole lot more. The best way I can think to describe him, Templeton is kinda like Snake Plisskin, as played by Brandon Lee. If that makes sense? This was the first time I’ve seen Rick Yune as a Heroic character, outside of trying to kill Halle Berry in DIE ANOTHER DAY, and I have to say I’m all for it, 100%. Like I mentioned above, his character’s actions are a little over-the-top, but he makes up for it in spades with a classic stoic tough-guy performance.

-Dresses in black.
-Kills copious amounts of men, without mercy.
-Kicks the shit out of a bunch more, again—without mercy.
-Does not (will not) fuck the pop singer, Angel, even though she is mildly attractive.
-Gets tortured, but doesn’t cave.
-Fights every authority figure he meets. And wins.
-Was raised by Keith David.

[THE BODY COUNT: 55ish]

Chance himself mixes at least 20 groovy tracks. Papa Keith comes in with an esthetically pleasing 5 and the rest belong to the baddies. Of which, I counted 30. And anytime a movie cracks 50 kills without  a mass death sequence like a building or plane exploding, you know you’re in for a good time.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Angel’s scumbag agent for the win. Asshole gets popped like a birthday balloon and left to rot on the soiled floor of his posh apartment. Ha.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Rick Yune is one sexy hunk of Asian man-meat. The film’s training montage features him working out, naked (at least from the abdomen up), and sweating like a priest on a playground. His chiseled abs and hairless chest glimmer like a slip and slide on a hot summer day.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Naming the lead female Angel, is like naming a 6′5″ fat guy, Tiny. Shortly after complaining her way through her entire first rescue scene, she continues afterward by being a diva (read as: Cunt) that whines about her toenails and expensive shoes. They redeem her a little bit by giving her a knowledge of handguns, but it doesn’t change the fact that she’s just a skinny Jennifer Lopez, and contributes nothing but headaches.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

EP-M:

Straight out of the original TERMINATOR movie, the hardcore villainous replacement killer, Damage (that’s the mother fucker’s name) storms a police station killing seven or so guards in rapid succession. And that’s just to get to their armory. Then, fully loaded with a machine gun/grenade launcher, he continues T-800ing the precinct, shooting the shit out of a ass-load of Bangkok’s finest.

MEANWHILE… Chance uses the opportunity, Kyle Reese-style to break out of his torture session, physically destroy a handful of officers and a half-dozen armed killers, get the girl and narrowly avoid his seemingly unstoppable pursuer with a well chucked grenade. And in the final moments of the sequence, Chance even finds his escape car’s keys in the visor. All-in-all, it’s a pretty excellent homage.

THE LINE:

Keith David catches a twelve (or so) year old Chance rooting through is things and admiring his custom guns…

The Jazzman: Nigga, what chu got to say? (calls his own kid, ‘Nigga’)
Chance: …Cool…

and the second one…

Eye-Patch Gangster: God damn you!

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

“In life, it’s all about the flow…”

[THE CHECKLIST: 16 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor” [Rick Yune]
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[  ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[X] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery [Large Machine Guns, Grenades]
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[  ] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting [Garrett Warren]
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[  ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[  ] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

The Fifth Commandment (2008) © Sony Pictures Home Entertainment

Fast & Fourious

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Fast & Furious (2009): Breakdown by Rantbo

New Movie. Original, Unoriginal Characters.

[THE EXECUTION]

I hadn’t gone to a FF movie since the first one raped me of my $7.50, back in ‘01. But, that changed this year after watching the trailer for the hunk-of-junk 4th installment, curiously titled, FAST & FURIOUS. Not to be confused with THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS 4, because that shit would be too tired and “played out”.

Teenage Douche-Bag: “What!? There’s four of them!? Fuck that! Let‘s go see the new Will Ferrell movie.”

So to be truly original, they decided to use the first film’s title, but dumbed down a bit for the returning fans. Leading me to believe that if they continue making sequels, we can expect F/F, and eventually an unpronounceable F shaped symbol.

Like the tagline suggests, they brought back 4 of the original cast members; Brian, Dom, Jordana Brewster and the sassy Latina from LOST: SEASON 2. And we pick up their story years later, as they are brought back together to work for the man (like in part 2) to uncover a drug smuggling ring and fall back in love with each other (like in part 1) in the process. All while pretending that Brian didn’t go fully gay and start a life in Miami with Tyrese in-between. Much to my dismay.

As for the other two surviving members of Team Toretto, Leon (remember him? No you don’t) and Vince The Alpha Douche?—it is never discussed. But I like to think that after The Douche got released from jail, he met back up with Leon and they both got jobs at Fat Burger, eventually becoming night managers with a brilliant revenue campaign to raise the price of a double-cheese and fries to $3.95—faggots. Anyways, I’m a sucker for returning casts, even when I don’t care for the movies they appear in. I’m weird like that. And speaking of the cast and weird shit, how crazy is it that all of the main actors from the first film were able to return for the third sequel, due to all of their careers having gone tits up? This has to be a first.

One thing that really pissed me off, however, is that they changed some of O’Conner’s story. In part 2, it was unveiled that he let Toretto go (at the end of part 1) for the guilt he felt over not being there for his boyfriend (Tyrese), in his time of need. But now in part 4, he says he did it because Toretto has a code that he respects. Huh? Code? What the fuck—code!?… Steal shit, sell it on the black market, invest the money made in ridiculously stupid and unnecessary modes of transportation, drink Coronas, repeat? What kind of douche-bag bullshit code is that? Or could it be that Dom lives his life a “quarter mile at a time”? They never delve into it. Either way, what a dumbass reason to emulate and respect someone for.

The other big gripe I have to make, is that Justin Lin reverted the racing scenes back to mostly green-screen. Thus cashing in his bonus-points for making part three as practical as an insanely stupid premise can be. The chases are still 100% more exciting than part 1, but I still missed seeing the actual cars being used in actual stunts.

That said, and despite it’s many other retarded flaws (unbelievable story, confusing time-lines, lame jokes, bad music, etc), this is still a pretty good Action film. Shit, the first 7 ½ minutes are easily better than everything done before it in any of the previous films.

Anyways, before I go on too long, I’ll just say that this flick is on par with the last one, as far as enjoy-ability.  The best way I can think to describe it is by saying, it’s like a Michael Bay film, but without Michael Bay. Which is to say, it is ludicrous, stupid and full of douche-baggery; yet it is of reasonable length, the action is pretty well shot and there are no dick/fart jokes, racism or overbearing ad-campaigns. So, I didn’t regret spending my money, and for this franchise, that’s the best I could have hoped for. I’d recommend watching it if you like B-Action car flicks or renting crappy movies with a group of friends to mock and destroy like a rental car.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Paul Walker is Brian O’Conner: The Bad Guy Trying To Be The Good Guy

-Chases down a Mexican criminal on foot and jumps through a window, tacking the gun-wielding fucker off the 3rd floor of a building onto a parked car.
-Pwns a co-worker who has the audacity to touch his shoulder, by slamming his face into a wall and kneeing him in the stomach.
-Shoots some homies with one of their own machine guns.
-Bangs Brewster in the kitchen while her brother is in an adjacent room.
-Survives a bonecrunchingly insane crash that would have killed Evel Knievel at his peak. With only a couple scratches, I might add. And his award for durability? A boot-kick to the face, naturally.
-And, of course, he pulls off a ton of crazy, unbelievable driving stunts.

Vin Diesel is Dominic ‘Dom’ Toretto: The Greasy Revenge Gorilla

-Drives his car underneath a flaming 75 mile an hour gas-filled freighter.
-Solves a murder by looking at some skid marks and fluid residue, COLD CASE style.
-Holds up an engine block with one arm.
-Blows up his car, and subsequently about five others, by using the old leaky NOS container and push-in car cigarette lighter bit.
-Gets shot in the back, and rather than fall down and start to cry, he just turns around stoically and gets pissed.
-[Read The Most Satisfying Death and Epic Moment Sections]
-And, of course, he pulls off a ton of crazy, unbelievable driving stunts.

[THE BODY COUNT: 15, GIVE OR TAKE A FEW]

As one would expect, most are assumed dead in horrific car accidents. But unexpectedly, Brian uses a machine gun to mow down some fuckers in some very rapid PG-13 quick cuts. That was a “nice” surprise. As for novelties, is has a couple. One is Michelle Rodriguez, whom I’m always happy to see go and the other you can read about in the next section.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

Dom finally catches up with his estranged girlfriend’s killer—and drives a car right up his dickhole.

Then he calls the corpse a “Pussy.” Awesome in it’s simplicity, it would be counter intuitive to discuss it further.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Brian’s homoerotic past with his buddy Rome is never mentioned and leaving me to assume he prayed out the gay. Which is forgivable, only because the woman that got him to repent was Jordana Brewster. I could almost see that happening. And as for Vinny-D, he spends the whole film out for revenge over the death of Michelle Rodriguez, who most would consider a woman, so I can’t fault him on that. He does, however, turn down the invitation to go out with (gorilla-fuck) a lithe young thing named Gisele, played by Israeli model, Gal Gadot. Which, aside from her name, is a sexy piece of 105lb. beef tenderloin, that no completely straight man would be able to resist.

But worry not, there is more. About 30 minutes into the film, there is THE cinematic equivalent to what a motor-head dreams about before accidentally creaming his bed sheets. Thick muscley arms gently sanding ruff door panels smooth, then glazing them with love colored paints. A flurry of wrenches, ratchets, hoses and slow loaded engine blocks. Motor oil pouring from a softly squeezed bottle into a gaping funnel hole. Freshly calibrated odometers. More flowing motor oil. NOS canisters crammed into tight fitting brackets. Vin Diesel fucking a gas tank hole [Scene Cut For Time], then drinking a post coitus brewskie (see below picture). Electric lug wrenches screwing in chrome-plated nuts. Some hood slamming. And, of course, the wipe down. Mmm, cars are fucking gay.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Well, Michelle Rodriquez’s character crashes her car, so naturally she must be put down like a lame horse.

Then ~deep sigh~ once again there are copious amounts of barely clothed skanky race-groupies that I would struggle to find sexy even if I was 12 years-old again, with the house to myself. What is the appeal of stupid slutty vapid shallow tail-gating hoochy-bitches? Seriously, I don’t get it.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Vin Diesel is The Wheelman

Barreling full speed, petal-to-the-metal, toward an explosive-strapped tunnel wall, Dom uses the cavern’s support beams to tear off his pursuer’s passenger-side door, and just before impact, dives into the other guy’s car and throws him out the other side to be turned into road kill by one of his buddies. Not that it matters, as Dom’s Charger causes the whole armada to be engulfed in a fiery explosion when it crashes into the wall.

One-liner: Shortly after completing a drug-run from Mexico to the States,  Dom decides to stop his driver-for-hire rouse and in a round about way, unveils why he’s truly there: revenge. He does this by bringing up the Penultimate Villain’s choice in vehicle modifications, which apparently is, for some reason or another, considered a very rude thing to do in public and only ever done as a preemptive to accusing the target of murder.

Dom: “Hey, Bossman…”
Fenix: [Looking shocked, for some reason] “What did you say!?”
Dom: “I said only pussies run nitrometh.”

To which Fenix responds…

HAHAHA! He says it with the inflection of a deeply hurt little girl that is flabbergasted you just admitted to breaching her privacy. It’s hysterical. I seriously don’t think it could have been funnier had he actually said, “You read—my DIARY!?”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

I would still eat Jordana Brewster’s ass with a baked potato. ~Ohm Nom Nom~

[THE CHECKLIST: 14 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Crotch Attack
[  ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

Even The Douche-Bags In The Theater lol’d.

The Protector of… I dunno.

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

The Protector (1985): Breakdown by Kain424

A Chinese New York cop (yeah, I know) goes to Hong Kong (go figure) to rescue a millionairess and take down a drug cartel.

[THE EXECUTION]

After The Big Brawl turned out to be less than the massive success they’d hoped it to be, Jackie Chan went back to Hong Kong and worked hard at maintaining his star image there.  Five years later, they tried the American market again, and this is the result.  Like the western version of Tom Yum Goong, I have no clue as to why it’s called The Protector.

Things start wrong right off the bat, as Chan is introduced awkwardly trying to share a conversation in English with his partner.  Chan is supposed to be a New York cop, but can hardly speak the language.  Furthermore, the next few Action sequences involve more gunplay than anything resembling Jackie’s signature kung fu.  And I have never seen someone fire a gun in a more awkward fashion.

Get the Flash Player to see this player.

Apparently Jackie Chan and and director James Glickenhause (The Exterminator) did not get along at all during the shoot, with Glickenhaus wanting Chan to be more of a hard-boiled Dirty Harry-type character, and Chan wanting to do more of his signature stuntwork and be more of a Chan-like character.  A different stunt coordinator was hired and Chan was held at bay until shooting was completed.  Jackie then re-shot a few fight scenes and you can find this version only in Hong Kong.

There are two versions: the American version with cussing, nudity, Engrish, and short fight scenes, and the Hong Kong version, with an added love story twist, more fluid fight scenes, but with no nudity, cussing and the languages all dubbed.

It’s pretty much lose/lose.  But the film does try a lot of cool things, and attempting to make an Asian action star is OK in my book.  I think if Jackie had kept at it after The Big Brawl, he just might have gained an audience.  Unfortunately, he wouldn’t see himself a star Stateside for another ten years.  Oh well.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Jackie Chan is Detective Billy Wong

Despite being more John McClane than Harry Callahan, Billy Wong never really comes off as a bad-ass.  He can hold his own in a fight, but he rarely seems to be able to bag his bad guys.  He does, however, seem to prefer blowing them up to arresting them.

[THE BODY COUNT: 16]

This is actually one of the more violent Jackie Chan films I have ever watched.  When people are shot, they bleed a fucking ton!  A whole lot of people are shot in this one, too.  Jackie only kills seven, but several others die from gunshots, stab wounds, or being eviscerated in fiery explosions.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKINGS & DEATHS]

I’ll have to go with the fight between Jackie Chan and Bill Wallace.  They use their hands, feet, brass knuckles, and even a power saw!  Oh, but it’s probably better in the Hong Kong version.  See it if you can! Actually, here.  I’ve edited the two versions together for your viewing pleasure.  Enjoy:

Get the Flash Player to see this player.

The Protector rights held by Warner Bros. and Golden Harvest.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

When Jackie’s partner dies early on, Jackie flips out like he’d just lost his lover.  During this scene it is also revealed that Jackie pees while holing his gun as well… not sure how to read into that, but I’ll keep it in this section.

While Chan openly flirts with women in this film, he’s never that into it.  He does, however, get very into splashing his new partner, played by Danny Aiello (The Professional), when they go to a bath house together.  Aiello he goes further than you’d think, yanking a towel off an unsuspecting male passerby.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

In the American version, women are seen as either untrustworthy bitches or damsels in distress.  In the Hong Kong version, Jackie added a whole new character for him to rescue and treat like dirt.  It’s pretty funny.

Oh, and did I mention that there’s a lot of nudity?

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Jackie Says “Fuck”!

Get the Flash Player to see this player.

The one-liner?  The bad guy asks Jackie, who has a gun on him, “Are you threatening me, officer?”

Jackie smiles and responds, “That’s not a threat.  That’s a promise.”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

If you’re gonna set the movie in Hong Kong anyway, let Jackie do his own fight choreography.

[THE GIST OF JACKIE: 5 outta 5]

[X] Breaks Into Someplace Or Escapes By Way Of Acrobatics
[X] Has An Annoying Tag-Along Companion
[X] Makes The ‘OW!’ Face And/Or Rubs A Soar Spot
[X] Performs A Ridiculously Dangerous Stunt
[X] Uses A Random Object To Defend Himself

[THE CHECKLIST: 19 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[  ] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

See You In Ten Years, American Audiences!