Rant here, and I know it’s been a LONG time since last you heard from me, and I can explain why. I was in a horrible car accident. No, just kidding. But since my last Birthday I’ve decided to start taking better care of myself and part of that is bailing on my belly. Losin’ weight folks, ‘cuz that’s what the ladies like, amirite? So, exercising and obsessing over the new clothes I’ll be able to wear have pretty much taken up all of my freetime that used to go toward writing. For that, I’m sorry. However, I still want to. And as I’m starting to feel better about myself, so too has my mood improved. And as such, the direction on which I plan to write has as well. All is not bleak for me now and so, today, I am announcing a HUGE change for AOBG. No longer will this page be devoted to horrific violence and bloodshed. No longer will the subject matter be death and destruction. Instead, I’ve decided to give it a sunny-side make-over. No more killcounts, nasty cursing or violent videos. AOBG is officially, FAMILY FRIENDLY. It’s time to kick those nasty thoughts and dump the sarcastic sad baggage. And I can think of no better way than to start by sharing my feelings on a topic that turned me into such a bitter young man. So, without further ado, here is a taste of the type of content you can expect to see from now on….
Walt Disney’s Classics have had a long tradition of reaching through my manly force-field of apathy and machismo, grabbing ‘hold of my heart strings and submitting my soul to a tidal wave of feelings. Now, I’m not lying in saying that I’ve never cried at any of these films, but I do admit that I’ve often come close and to this day, still feel emotionally vulnerable after certain movies. And this here is my list specific moments, from said films, that worked so gosh golly hard to break through my defenses, they darn near succeeded. So grab a box of tissues, curl under your favorite blanket and lock the gun away in the cabinet, it’s time for…
RANT’S TOP TEN:
TEAR-JERKINGLY TRAGIC DISNEY MOMENTS
NOTE: This List Sticks to The ANIMATED Classics. So Please, No Whining That ‘Old Yeller’ Should Have Been Included.
10. Where My Dogs At? – One Hundred And One Dalmatians (1961)
Proud dog owner, Roger, being of sound mind and reason, outright refuses the sale of his best friend’s litter of puppies to the evil Cruella De Vil. The satanic witch that she is, De Vil does not take this too well.
A few weeks pass and as the puppies mature, their spots begin to appear. Around this time, Cruella hires a couple of goons to kidnap the whole litter. One rainy and spooky evening, when Roger, his wife Anita, his dog Pongo and Pongo’s bitch female canine companion Perdy are out for the night, they leave only the chubby housemaid to defend the home front. Big mistake. Cruella’s hired goons attack and succeed in snatching every last little doggy. The quartet comes home to the maid screaming that ‘THEY TOOK THE PUPPIES!—THEY TOOK THE PUPPIES!’ What follows is one of the saddest montages in film history. Shot after shot as the humans futilely try to locate the stolen pups while Pongo and Perdy lounge around helpless to their plight with only the thoughts of their skinned children’s bodies being found in a dumpster somewhere to occupy their little doggy minds.
09. Material Girls
Part 1: Cinderella (1950)
Cinderella: After years of servitude and abuse at the hands of her evil stepmother and sisters, gets an invitation to a ball being thrown by a handsome Prince in search of a princess shows up at the door and even though she knows it’s futile to try, Cindy begs to go. Seeing an opportunity to further diminish the hopes and dreams of her stepdaughter, Lady Tremaine agrees—UNDER the nigh impossible conditions that Cindy #1. Finishes her mountain of chores and #2. Finds a suitable dress.
Lucky for ‘Ella, she has a cavalcade of anthropomorphic animal pals that undertake the second task, as she is busy busting her gorgeous patootee workin’ for the weekend. So, all seems possible in the dreamy-eyed optimism of young Cindy. Only there’s one facet to her plan that she didn’t fully think out—her animal buddies must use material that belongs to her step-sisters and when donning her gown for the first time, Cindy’s step-monster alerts the hounds to her salvaged attire. Like the dogs they are, the sisters tear the gown to bloody pieces and leave Cindy at home to wallow in misery as they head to the Prince’s ball. I don’t care who you are, that’s some cold sh-t stuff.
Part 2:The Little Mermaid (1989)
Ariel: A foxy mermaid gal obsessed with life out-from-under the sea, who spends her leisure time collecting sunken artifacts from the human world, and singing about them to her fishy friends. Adorable and sweet though these pastimes are, they have been forbidden by her father in an act to keeping her from ending up trapped in a tuna net. But, Ariel is young, dumb and fulla—caviar. So Ariel keeps her “treasures” in a hidden cave with plenty of shelf space and great acoustics.
The sadness begins one day as she is taken to her hidden cove for a surprise from her fish friend, Flounder. Who just happened to get his flippers on a replica statue of her human beefcake dreamboat prince guy, that fell off the back of a ship. Meanwhile, Ariel’s royal watchcrab, happens to follow her this day and scuttles off to tell her father what his baby be doin’. Obviously, this act of wanton human lust does not sit well with Daddy and before you know it, Papa shows up and in an act of tough love uses his magic pimp-stick scepter to blow the heck out of her entire collection. Including her just-acquired chiseled man-statute. And much like Cinderella before her, Ariel is left alone to cry and hate the world for being so darn cruel. And do you know how hard it is to cry underwater? Forgetaboutit.
Now I know what you must be thinking, “Rant, you are so manly, why would you care if a couple of dames loose their possessions?—You some kind of guy that thinks about chicks feelings or something?” Well, you got me. I get a little gooey when I see a damsel in distress. What can I say? I’m a Ballsy Hero. That, and I can sympathize. I love my possessions as much as the next material-girl. Heck, if someone came into my house and destroyed my DVD collection, I would cry like a little girl with a skinned knee—Then, of course, I would find the person responsible and gut the Mother F—– discuss with him the error of his ways. ‘Cuz I’m a man. But these ladies are not men, they are ladies. And I can’t help that I feel for them in their time of loss.
08. Hoes Ladies Before Bros – The Jungle Book (1967)
A care-free life of hanging out with your best bud in your favorite place, wasting the days away singing groovy tunes for the rest of your life. What could be more fun? Not much. Unfortunately, some crap happens to go down with our main character, Mowgli the Jungle Boy, that involves a kidnapping , some near-death occurrences, and an attempted homicide. And ALL OF A SUDDEN growing up in the jungle turns out to be too dangerous or some b.s., so the man-cub’s buddies, Baloo the Bear and Bagheera the Panther, decide it’s best for Mowgli to return to human civilization.
Now you may be asking, “What’s so sad about that, Rant?” Well, I’ll tell you. When the trio make it to the man-camp, Mowgli, who was STILL resisting this decision, gets his first glimpse of the fairer sex and it’s all she wrote. He ditches his convictions, drops his buddy Baloo like a bad-habit and bee-lines for some ripe village bootie-fruit. It’s a classic case of misguided hormones dividing up a great friendship. Mowgli just couldn’t stay strong when that succubus’s deep stare clouded his mind and started him walking down that long road of emotional and psychological torture called first love. I just want to scream at the movie, ‘NO MOWGLI! Stay With Baloo, You Don’t Want To Know That Kind Of Pain!” Sure, Shere Khan might come back and tear him to shreds, but that’s nothing compared to the damage that girl will inevitably do to his heart and sense of self-worth.—It’s sad.
07. What’s That Sharp Pain In My Back? – The Fox And The Hound (1981)
Like so many of Disney’s films, this one begins with an orphan. A red fox named Tod. A stereotype owl named Big Mama gets the little guy adopted by a sweet chubby old lady that lives in the woods. The Hound from the title comes in when the lady’s neighbor brings home a new huntin’ dog puppy, named Copper. So, being around the same age, the Fox and the Hound become best buddies and vow to one another to be friends forever. FRIENDS FOREVER,OK? Moving on.
Well, huntin’ season starts and like all rednecks, the hunter takes his dogs into the woods to go dominate lesser animals and pee on stuff, leaving Tod to twiddle his claws. Months pass, they both grow up and eventually Copper comes back home. So, like any good friend would do, Tod goes over to visit and catch up. Only Copper is now a “Huntin’ dog.” and exclaims that he can no longer be associated with lesser animals. To make matters worse, the other huntin’ dog wakes up and a chase ensues. Now, Copper does help Tod get away—kind of—but the old dog is relentless and chases him onto a railroad track where his dumb ass butt gets hit by a train. Now here is the messed up part, Copper and the Hunter BLAME Tod and swear vengeance. HUH?! What happened to FRIENDS FOREVER? The rest of the film is Copper and his master, hunting down Tod to KILL HIM! This makes my piss insides boil. Copper deserves nothing less than to be neutered and left tied to a bumper of a speeding car called a bad dog. In the end, Copper does realize he was being a complete asshole jerk and stands up for Tod in front of the Hunter, BUT only after Tod saves them both from a bear attack. This betrayal is inexcusable and tragic beyond measure.
06. Love Is A Battlefield – Beauty and the Beast (1991)
After finding out about the love affair between his beloved Belle and the monstrous Beast, thick-neck local townie Gaston, in an act of psychotic jealous rage, locks up Belle and her father and proceeds to lead a mob of misguided villagers to “KILL THE BEAST!”
Managing to escape her confinement, Belle rushes to the Beast’s castle to warn him of the impending attack. But she is too late… Gaston has found the Beast brooding and began to beat the tar out of him. Heartbroken, Beast takes it all without fighting back. That is—until he sees that Belle has rushed to his aid. Let the games begin. Beast and Gaston engage in an epic battle along the rooftops of his keep. During which, Gaston delivers a fatal wound to our hero before losing his balance and falling from the roof to his death.
Beast lies dying in the rain, but could not care less, for his lady has returned to his side. Belle clings to his furry hide and whispers “I Love You”, a moment before the final petal from his enchanted rose falls, marking his cursed doom.
It is a truly touching moment and teaching us that time is short, and if you care about someone, darnit, get off your bum and tell them. You just never know when a group of crazed villagers will turn up at their house and barbecue them in the night, leaving your love unknown forever.
Of course, Beast’s life is spared at the last second as the curse is broken. Evil is punished, true love conquers all, and they live happily ever after… and all that crap.
05. The Kinslaying Kingslayer – The Lion King (1994)
Mufasa: Scar!—Brother, help me!
[Scar digs his claws into Mufasa's paws]
Scar: [Throwing him to his doom] Long live the King!
Simba: [Screaming] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Mufasa falls to his death in horrific slow-motion, through the eye’s of his beloved offspring]
And it gets worse. As the dust of the stampede clears, a timid and fearful Simba finds the body of his heroic father, broken and lifeless. With barely a moment of bereavement, Scar appears and convinces traumatized Simba, that not only is Mufasa’s death his fault, but that he will be forsaken when the other lions find out what he did. Terrified, Simba exiles himself in shame and dishonor.
Do I even need to point out how tragic this is? This scene was epic. Though I am proud to say at 9 years old, I held strong and didn’t cry—barely.
04. 60 Minutes – Dumbo (1941)
The shortest of all the Disney Classics, Dumbo clocks in at 64 minutes. And for good reason, as 60 minutes is the threshold of the average person’s tolerance for non-stop, soul-crushing sadness. After that point, you have to throw the audience a lifeline to drag them back to some sense of emotional normalcy.
As we all know, Dumbo has the distinct physical abnormality of gigantic ears, which, of course, all the other circus animals use as fuel to relentlessly ridicule him. Including giving him the name Dumbo. Which for some unknown, messed up reason, Mrs. Jumbo allows to stick. Thanks ma! But the real depressing stuff starts when some vicious future serial killer children decide to ridicule and torment poor Dumbo by calling him names and messing with his ears. “Thankfully”, Mrs. Jumbo comes to the rescue and scares off the boys, and even gives one of the little punks a spanking. It’s just too bad the Ringmaster happens to witness the sweet justice and thinks she’s gone mad. So, Dumbo’s one and only source of love and compassion gets locked up in a cage and chained to the ground. ARE WE HAVING FUN YET? Dumbo goes on to ruin the circus, injure all the other animals that already hated him, gets made into a clown and only gets to see his Mother through a small hole in a cage just big enough for her trunk to fit through to comfort him.
What the heck, Walt? Are you TRYING to make the children in your audience suicidal? Even WRITING about this movie depresses me. The rest of the 60 minutes are filled with even MORE tragedy and despair with only meager attempts at comedic and optimistic relief. All leading up to a crazy-turn around, all-is-well, sorry-for-scarring-your-childhood, look-he-can-fly, everybody-loves-Dumbo, it-all-worked-out-in-the-end ending. Duck Fumbo.
03. Look, I Like You, But… – The Hunchback Of Notre Dame (1996)
When the captain guard, Phoebus refuses to participate in the destruction and murder of innocents, Frollo (the film’s villain) orders his minions to attack and Phoebs ends up injured and tossed into a river. Found by Esmeralda and taken to the bell tower, she asks our REAL hero, Quasimodo, to look after him. He lovingly agrees and while they set Phoebie up with a cot, Quasi watches as Esmeralda plants one on him before leaving. Ain’t this a BITCH! predicament? Quasi does the girl favor after favor in this film, and all the while she’s got the hots for the man who, up until an hour ago, was helping to terrorize her people?
From what I understand, this is how it goes down in the book, but hey, Quasimodo dies at the end of that tragedy. In the movie, he gets to live, and become a hero of the people… Sooooo WHY NOT LET HIM GET THE GIRL!? Nope. Not today, fugly. Nice guys finish last, even in Disneyland. So Quasi gets to take a seat in the Friend Zone and has to settle for getting Jennifer Love Hewitt in the sequel… Hey, come to think of it, that’s not too bad. In fact, I’d totally take her over Demi Moore. It’s just too bad that the sequel’s story and animation sucked ass was not very good. Oh, well.
02. Mother? FUCKER! - Bambi (1942)
Bambi the baby deer and his Mother are doing their scavenging-for-food-during-a-harsh-winter thing, when all of a sudden… ‘Shhh, do you hear that? RUN BAMBI RUN!’ BANG! BANG!
Back at his thicket, Bambi discovers his Mom is no longer by his side. He wanders around the forest calling out for her, but–nothing. Suddenly his apathetic father appears and tells Bambi, (your mother) “can’t be with you anymore”.
~sigh~. Look, I am a momma’s-boy, through and through. Have been ever since I was a child. Once my Dad realized there was no chance of me becoming an athlete and lost interest in my chubby-butt, we grew even closer. And let me tell you… this movie kills me. I’d like to take a moment after this last one and call my Mom, and if you are lucky enough to be able to do so, I suggest the same. It‘s OK, #1 will wait here for you. Go ahead. See you in a couple.
And on a side note… I wonder if the hunter that bagged Bambi’s mom was Copper’s redneck master? You know something, in my mind, now he was. That f—er jerk.
01. Un-Break My Heart
Part 1: The Brave Little Toaster (1987)
While not technically a “Disney Movie”, per-say, this film was released by Walt Disney Pictures and I first saw it on the Disney Channel, so IT COUNTS. This story follows a group of 5 anthropomorphic, abandoned household appliances as they set out on an adventure through the wilderness with hopes of finding their way to the master’s new home.
After a long first day of travel it starts to get dark and the appliances decide to stop for the night and sleep. You know, like they do. In the morning they awake to find themselves in a beautiful meadow. Could it be this is the same one that Bambi’s mother was slaughtered in by the Hunter from ‘The Fox and the Hound’? I like to think so. This way I can take all my childhood movie drama, wrap it in a ball and keep it locked inside to unleash later in a mid-life crises breakdown…. ANYways, a bunch of curious animals surround the hardware and it eventually becomes too much attention for Toaster so she seeks refuge in the nearby forest.
Next to Toaster’s hideout, a lone flower grows in a beam of sunlight. The Flower ‘looks’ over and sees it’s reflection on Toaster’s shiny metal siding and believing that it has finally found another like itself, hugs Toaster lovingly with it’s leaves. Toaster becomes confused and denies the Flower’s embrace by running away. And in glancing back after her retreat, watches as the flower slump forwards, alone again, and beginning to wilt…
Part 2: The Sword and the Stone (1963)
Aside from the following scene, this is a super-fun and lighthearted comedy that is, in my opinion, one of Disney’s best and sadly his last. The kid-friendly version of the first book of T.H. White’s ‘The Once and Future King’ follows young Arthur Pendragon as he is being thought and prepared for his future role as King, by the zany wizard Merlin.
On one such lesson, Merlin transforms himself and Arthur into squirrels, with an intention to teaching him about gravity. But, the experiment quickly turns into a lesson about relationships when the transfigured Arthur bumps into a female Squirrel. And the Girl-Squirrel immediately and unequivocally falls for Squirrel-Arthur. Arthur, like Toaster, is confused by the attention and tries to escape her bombardment of affection.
Meanwhile, Merlin has had quite enough of his own female pursuer and transforms himself and the boy back into human form.
Merlin’s pursuer is terrified and runs away in animosity, but Arthur’s doesn’t notice at fist… Still clinging to him lovingly, Arthur has to tap her to open her eyes. Rather than running in fear or anger, she jumps off him and stares confused as Arthur tries to explain that he is, and always was, a human boy. But, she only seems to grasp that her life’s love is gone and not coming back. Giving up trying to get her to understand, Arthur walks away leaving the Girl-Squirrel heartbroken and lamenting her lost love in a fit of sobs and tears.
These two scenes above absolutely DESTROYED my childhood innocence and ruined me from ever being able to get close to another human being. Having since built up a defense of sarcasm and aversion so strong that it has yet to be overtaken by any emotional siege. Man, that felt good to get out. Thanks for reading ~RANT
Note: The REAL update will be posted tomorrow.
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