Invasion U.S.Norris

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[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Invasion U.S.A. (1985): Breakdown by Rantbo

Terrorists try and force themselves on American soil, Americans don’t seem to notice. But Chuck Norris does and he rips their ethnic, commie, drug dealing dicks off and sends them packing.

[THE EXECUTION]

If this isn’t a conservative’s wet dream/worst nightmare, I don’t know what is. INVASION U.S.A. answers the question, what would happen if every culture Americans had warred with since 1950, suddenly decided to band together, penetrate our sovereign lands and try to rape lady liberty with their filthy uncircumcised, communist cocks?  Well, it turns out Chuck Norris would come down on them so hard, and so fast that we as a society would hardly miss out on a single afternoon of Christmas shopping. God bless ‘im.

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The main bad guy, Rostov is one of THE most evil villains EVER created. Cold hearted and vicious to the core. And yet this monster is haunted, literately stricken with fear and hellish nightmares by the fact that Chuck Norris once kicked him in the face! I shit you not.

I honestly believe that this movie is the Chuck Norris version of Akira Kurosawa’s DREAMS. The film plays out like a fantasy for insecure right-wing American males. You know how little kids will dream of being Superman or Batman, well Chuck Norris and his conservative kin dream of being Matt Hunter—Bringer Of Freedom. All Norris needed to be a full-fledged superhero was a red white and blue mask and Old Glory as a cape. Hell, he already has the powers of precognitive visions, teleportation, x-ray vision, super hearing, agility and endurance, AND the power to literally manifest in his prey’s nightmares!!! So why not!?

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INVASION U.S.A. is THE Chuck Norris film to see. If you only ever watch one of his masterpieces, this is the one. It truly encompasses everything Chuck’s body of work aspired to. A one man army can and does defeat a legion of freedom hating evil doers with the power of liberty, justice and shitkickers. As the terrorist cell blazes through the staples of our culture; a slum, a shopping center, a highway, a church, an office building and a titty bar (all key stops on the super terrorist tour to bring about the end to our ideals), Hunter is hard at work, saving them all.

The entire film is just a random series of attacks, all thwarted by Norris’s ability to swoop in with his supercharger and save the day in the nick of time. Best way I can think to describe it is to relate it the sequence from SUPERMAN where Supes is introduced through a montage of various heroic deeds—but with INVASION it’s Chuck Norris and his dual Uzis! It doesn’t get much better than this, people. INVASION U.S.A. is a must own title for Action fans. I can’t praise it’s badassness enough. See it before the terrorists jihad it!

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

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Chuck Norris is Matt ‘Cowboy’ Hunter

“He’s one man alone, what can he do?”
“You only know his reputation, but I know his work.”

A pick-up truck, leather gloves, hairy chest and a pair of strapped Uzis; the tools of his trade, Chuck Norris is Matt Hunter: American Hero.

His first post-credits scene features him mud-wrestling a fuckin’ alligator. I mean—holy shit. A former secret agent for the government, he now spends his days living in a Florida bayou with his pet armadillo, hogtying local wildlife and chainsawing large logs for no reason other than knowing that destroying nature with gas powered tools is the most manly thing a guy can do. And how else would Chuck Norris spend his retirement? Playing shuffleboard and fucking divorcees!? Yeah, right!

But the real show begins when Rostov attacks Hunter’s home (a four walled shanty) with enough firepower to take down half of New York City. And even though Matt was outside, killing trees, he is somehow magically transported inside for no other reason than to dive out of his one-room window, just before his home explodes. That’s how manly Matt Hunter is—even if you blow up his house, he’ll still defy physics and take out his own window with his forehead as an act of macho defiance. It’s shortly after this that the character takes on his true superhero quality in popping up across the countryside, at exactly the right random moments to foil the Invaders’ attempts to instill chaos and destroy our way of life. It’s simply magical. I watched this a week ago, and I still have a boner, and what better gift can a man receive for true holiday cheer? Thank you, Mr. Norris. Thank you.

[THE BODY COUNT: 135+]

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As one would expect this film features a fuckin’ massacre. Chuck himself scores a healthy 27 kills, most of which are with his bitchin’ dual Uzis and hot-potato explosives. All of which you can view, HERE. As for everyone else, it’s almost a tie game, as I counted 56 kills for Team America and 55 for Team Everybody Else. But when you think about it, even though we almost broke even with those border-rapists, it’s still not too shabby. I mean, with the terrorist’s numbers including the likes of Russians, Cubans, Koreans, drug dealers and anarchistic biker gangs—the National Guard did pretty good in not only holding their own, but even one-upping those traitorous scum.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]

Rostov vs. Billy Drago, His Homies And His Hoe

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This could quite possibly be, THE most unexpected, brazenly violent sequence I’ve ever seen. And it’s surprisingly not performed by Norris, but by his arch-enemy, Rostov. In an effort to cause a gang war, Rostov goes apeshit in the middle of a deal by slamming the other dealer’s girlfriend’s head onto a table, while she’s snorting a line of coke through a steel straw, then he takes the dealers gun from him, shoots his two bodygaurds dead AND THEN shoots off the dealers balls! And that’s not all. As an encore Rostov grabs the screaming face impaled coke-whore and shot-puts her through the multi-floor window. Holy, fuck.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

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Aside from Chuck’s jeans having a stranglehold on his cock-n-bawls, and his conspicuously ever un-buttoned denim dress shirt, there’s nil. Seriously. I know, I was shocked too. Chuck even managed to keep his shirt on while mud wrestling with that alligator. I don’t understand it, and I don’t like it.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

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As far as exploitation, there is a very brief walkthrough of a titty bar, with some talent dancing topless in the background, but nothing too shocking. But where INVASION lacks in nudity, it makes up for in pure vile hatred for womankind. As aside from the aforementioned coke-whore, and the violent shooting of some random beachbunny (pictured above), the only other female with affect on the plot is a nameless (unverified) authority hating, shrewish cunt of a reporter. The Lois Lane to Norris’s SuperChuck. Before her character unexplainably disappears, she is shown to be the pure manifestation of a stereotypical media whore, concerned only with her story, she trumps around the crime scenes interfering with police procedure and shouting about her constitutional rights to be a fucking cooze. And as such, is completely unlikable.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

This whole movie is one long piece of hilariously epic awesomeness, but here is my personal favorite moment of sheer badassness.

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And the Oscar for ‘Best Ever Use Of A Score Spike’, goes to…

The Line:

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Hunter: If you come back in here—I’m gonna hit chu with so many rights, you’re gonna beg for a left.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

You invade the United States, you invade Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris IS America

[THE CHUCK OF NORRIS: 3 outta 5]

[X] Facial Hair
[X] Jumps/Or Kicks Through A Window Or Wall
[  ]
Performs Spin Kick or Spin Punch To Enemies Face*
[X] Shows Off His Hairy Chest
[X] Sports Some Cowboy Getup

*Close, but the chest alone don’t count.

[THE CHECKLIST: 21 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)*
[X] Manly Embrace(s)**
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[Al Leong]
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[X] Tis The Season [Christmas]
[  ] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

*Beard
**Chuck and another man wrestle that alligator together, so I’ll count that.

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Merry Chuckmas

Invasion U.S.A. (1985) © Cannon Films Inc.  and MGM Home Entertainment

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