For years these two have gone bicep-to-bicep for fame, glory and the title of Action God. Choosing a favorite between these two is like choosing between The Beatles or Elvis Presley, fans can love both, but when it comes down to it, every fan knows deep within, who he would root for if it came down to one-or-the-other. I know mine, of course.  However, I am going to be impartial as I go through the following battles in hopes to discover, at least in my subconscious mind,  just who of the two can out-machismo the other based on their best-matched roles. So, without further ado, I give you…

STALLONE vs. SCHWARZENEGGER

I obtained the picture of Sly: Here and Arnie: Here

Bonus Battle: Weaver vs. White Wolf
- Antz (1998) / Dr. Dolittle 2 (2001) -

How They Meet: Weaver is inspecting the corpse of a small woodland creature for potential food, when the White Wolf comes along and starts to feast.

The Fight: Claiming that he was there first, Weaver tells the Wolf to beat padded-feet. The Wolf ignores Weaver’s claims and takes a bite out of the meat where Weaver was standing. Ingested whole, Weaver becomes thoroughly pissed off and pulls out his trusty mine-pick and proceeds to punch and carve his way out of digestive prison, eventually tearing a hole through the Wolf’s midsection, killing him painfully in the process. The Ant colony rejoices as they feast all winter on Wolf guts.

WINNER: SLY
(However, As This Is A Bonus Battle & Just Between Voice-Work Characters, It Does Not Count Toward The Over-All Score)

15. Sheriff Freddy Heflin vs. Dr. Alex Hesse
- Cop Land (1997) / Junior (1994) –

How They Meet: Freddy goes to the hospital to see if he qualifies for a new type of  hearing aid when he crosses paths with Dr. Hesse, who is there for a check up on his pregnancy.

The Fight: Freddy bumps into Alex on his way out of the hospital and Alex, annoyed and grumpy from morning sickness, makes a quip about how maybe Freddy is pregnant as well, due to the girth of his beer-belly. Freddy, in a bad mood from having been denied the prototype hearing device, punches Alex in the solar plexus. Pissed off and fearing the possible damage done to his unborn child, Alex starts swinging punches at Freddy. The two exchange blows until suddenly Alex’s water breaks and splashes all over the ground, but not being able to hear the splatter, Freddy charges at Alex and ends up slipping in the discharged butt-baby liquid and falls hard on his tailbone, breaking it and ending the fight. Adding insult to injury, the two end up sharing the same hospital room. Freddy takes a little comfort in the fact that he can’t hear Junior’s crying.

WINNER: ARNIE
TOTAL: STALLONE [0] / SCHWARZENEGGER [1]

14. Robert Rath vs. Harry Tasker
- Assassins (1995) / True Lies (1994) –

How They Meet: The Crimson Jihad hire Rath to take out Tasker at his home in D.C.

The Fight: Rath is set up in a tree across the street from Tasker’s house, waiting for Harry to come home. Hours later, Harry has yet to arrive and Rath becomes bored. With nothing to do, but continue waiting,  he searches for something to watch through his sniper scope. He finds something through the Tasker‘s bedroom window. Rath watches as Mrs. Tasker practices her dance moves wearing nothing but a smile. Sexually distracted, Rath does not see Mr. Tasker pull up to the house. Harry’s partner happens to notice a glimmer in the tree-line across the street, as he is waiting for Harry to put his wedding ring back on. Gib tells Harry what he saw and the two sneak around the block and take position behind the now-revealed assassin. Wondering why he did not take the shot, Harry looks around and sees what is holding Rath’s attention… it’s Helen. Enraged, Harry hugs the trunk of the tree Rath is sitting in and shakes it like a British nanny. Rath loses his balance and falls into Harry’s arms and the last thing he sees is his would-be target’s banana hands wrapping themselves around his neck as they choke the life out of him.  The next day, Harry skips work to buy some thick new blinds for his bedroom.

WINNER: ARNIE
TOTAL: STALLONE [0] / SCHWARZENEGGER [2]

13. Jack Carter vs. Mark Kaminsky aka Joseph P. Brenner
- Get Carter (2000) / Raw Deal (1986) -

How They Meet: In an effort to re-kindle his failed FBI career, Mark Kaminsky takes a risky job to infiltrate a mob organization that happens to employ Jack Carter as an enforcer.

The Fight: Kaminsky works his way into the good graces of the family, but Carter isn’t convinced that ‘Joe’ is who he says he is. Carter goes to work finding out all he can about ‘Brenner’ and eventually comes across the proof he needs. He goes to deliver it to his boss, but is too late as Kaminsky has mu-tiL-A-Tud him with a shotgun.  But what really pisses Carter off is that Kaminsky has poured a bowl of candy beans over the corpse for no apparent reason… whatsoever. The candy is the last straw. Carter hunts Kaminsky down, eventually finding him at the airport sending off  his floozy friend, Monique, whom he’d met while undercover. Carter sneaks up on the couple on the top of the 5 story parking garage, while the two are saying their goodbyes. Jumping out from the shadows, Carter catches Kaminsky off guard. Carter gets in the first few punches and disorients Kaminsky, positioning him next to the side-railing. As a send-off Carter grabs Kaminsky by the neck and says ‘You Killed Yourself!’ and heaves him over the railing to fall to his doom. Impressed by his manliness,  Monique leaves with Carter who decides to quite the mob business. The couple charter a plane and are never seen again.

WINNER: SLY
TOTAL: STALLONE [1] / SCHWARZENEGGER [2]

12. Sebastian the Toymaker vs. Howard Langston
- Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over (2003) / Jingle All The Way (1996) -

How They Meet: Howard is pressed to buy his neglected son’s love for the second year in a row. Problem is, a new Turbo-Man isn’t gonna cut it. To win over his family this year, Howard will need to score the new “it” virtual reality game, “Game Over”, created by the super genius, Sebastian the Toymaker.

The Fight: After spending an entire day fighting off old ladies, last-minute shoppers and psychotic midgets, (How Can The Same Shit Happen To The Same Guy Twice? … sorry, wrong Christmas Movie) Howard is finally able to obtain a copy of the game. Christmas morning rolls around and little Jamie, impressed with his father’s attempt at love, plugs into the game. Jamie is sucked into the realm of the Toymaker and after failing at Level 4, becomes trapped within. After his wife threatens to leave him for the next-door neighbor, Howard decides to don his Turbo-Man gear once again and enter the Toymaker’s game to get his son back.  Howard races, jousts and robo-battles all the way up to Level 4, destroying everything the Toymaker throws at him, but… Just before Howard can rescue his son, Toymaker takes it to the NEXT LEVEL! And unleashes his secret weapon, a Giant Sized Robot Dementor-Mech run by Howard’s nemesis, the unbearably annoying, failed comedian, SINBAD! Taken aback by the Toymaker’s monster dick-move, Turbo-Man stands stupefied as Sinbad squashes him flatter than a reindeer turd. Game, Set, Match.

Epilogue: Having never escaped the Toymaker’s game, little Jamie remains trapped, and thus never makes it to his audition for the role of Anakin Skywalker. George Lucas never found his perfect child actor to fill the role and was forced to abandon his plans for future Star Wars movies. Years later the Toymaker would be remembered and praised for his hand in sparing fanboys from the shit-storm that would have been: The Prequels.

WINNER: SLY & STAR WARS FANS THE WORLD ‘ROUND
TOTAL: STALLONE [2] / SCHWARZENEGGER [2]

11. Raymond ‘Ray’ Tango vs. Capt. Ivan Danko
- Tango & Cash (1989) / Red Heat (1988) –

How They Meet: When a Russian crime lord flees to Los Angeles, Russian Police Officer Ivan Danko follows. Upon arriving he is partnered with the smooth and organized Officer Ray Tango, whom happened to be investigating the Russian drug dealer’s local murders.

The Fight: Shortly after being paired, it becomes abundantly clear the duo have far too much in common to be able to work together. Both officers being cold, calculating perfectionists with no sense of humor, decide that in order to get the case solved, they must fight to the death. So as the officer left alive might be partnered with a comedic slob, thus completing the age-old Buddy-Cop formula. The duo decided the best and most fair way of dispatching one-another would be to duel pistols. So, facing back-to-back, the officers take their ten paces and turn to fire. Tango gets the drop on Danko and fires straight into his chest, only he happens to be using his police-issue .38 revolver which barley breaks through the fabric of Danko’s Russian Issued Captain’s Uniform, much less his rippling pectorals. Danko fires next using his S&W .44 Magnum and blasts Tango right between the eyes splitting his GQ glasses in two and blowing his brains out the softball sized hole the bullet leaves in the back of his head. Danko calmly places his gun back in its holster and walks away with pride, trying hard not to drag his knuckles through Tango’s blood.

WINNER: ARNIE
TOTAL: STALLONE [2] / SCHWARZENEGGER [3]

10. Sgt. Joe Bomowski vs. Detective John Kimble
- Stop or My Mom Will Shoot (1992) / Kindergarten Cop (1990) –

How They Meet: Receiving his Mother’s approval of his love interest, Bomowski decides to settle down, have some kids and move to the suburbs. Five years later, it comes time to take Joey Jr. to his first day of Kindergarten, where he meets Joey’s teacher, Mr. Kimble.

The Fight: Being a rambunctious young tike, Joey Jr. is constantly playing outside and obtains many scraps and bruises, like young boys do. Unfortunately,  Mister Kimble is a party-pooper and asks to speak to Joey about his constant state of dishevelment. Being a shy little guy, mostly due to an overbearing Grandmother, Joey doesn’t want to talk about it and Mr. Kimble thinks the worst. The next day Kimble waits for Joey’s dad to come pick him up and he arrives with Joey‘s Grandmother. Angry, Kimble confronts Joe and tells him that if he EVER touches little Joey again, he’ll snap his neck like a pencil. Joe tries to defend himself but is interrupted, “SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTT UUUUUUUUUUUP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Screams Kimble as he slams Bomowski into his car. By now Grandma Tutti has gotten out of her seat and has pointed a gun at Kimble’s head. This snaps him out of his rage. “I’m a Cop you Idiot!” John says as he reaches for his badge.  But thinking he is reaching for a gun, Tutti blasts him in the face spraying his brain, sans tumor, over a now traumatized little Joey.

WINNER: SLY (by way of relation)
TOTAL: STALLONE [3] / SCHWARZENEGGER [3]

09. Machine Gun Joe Viterbo vs. Ben Richards
- Death Race 2000 (1975) / The Running Man (1987) -

How They Meet: On the set of a New Game Show.

The Fight: Falsely accused of killing innocent civilians in a riot, Officer Ben Richards is imprisoned and taken to ‘Death-Run Studios’ and forced to compete in the popular combination gladiatorial/destruction-derby competition television show, known as ‘Death-Run 3000’. Richards fights tooth and nail through multiple levels and kills off all but one of the arena’s ‘Stalkers’ (the oppositional fighters). With only one level left to go, the game-host, Killian, pulls out the big guns… well, the biggest at least: Machine Gun Joe Viterbo.

Richards is given a death-mobile and set in a race around the arena against Joe. The goal of the race is to see who can kill the most convicts scattered around the track before the time limit. An innocent man, Richard’s can’t bring himself to kill what are potentially other innocent people and decides instead to use his weapons against Joe. The Race begins and the duo speed away into the arena. All goes well around the first turn, but then Ben puts his plan into motion. Taking the next turn intentionally too sharp, Ben crashes into the side of Joe’s vehicle causing him to lose control of his car and slam into a near-by wall. Ignoring the on-lookers cheers and refusing to finish the race, Richards stops his car and runs over to a confused Machine Gun Joe. “Hello, Cutie-Pie!” Richards shouts before punching Joe in the face and pulling him from out of the wreckage. Richards proceeds to pummel Joe savagely with his fists in front of the cameras leading up to his finishing move, where he rams his fist through Joe’s stomach and breaks his God-Damn-Spine. “MACHINE GUN JOE! NOW… PLAIN JOE!” Richard’s shouts before dropping the body and heading off to finish Killian for his misdeeds and false accusations.

WINNER: ARNIE
TOTAL: STALLONE [3] / SCHWARZENEGGER [4]

08. Judge Joseph Dredd vs. U.S. Marshal John ‘The Eraser’ Kruger
- Judge Dredd (1995) / Eraser (1996) -

How They Meet: Judge Dredd harshly convicts Dr. Lee Cullen to life in prison, for stealing plans for a top secret electronic pulse rifle. Unfortunately for Dredd, a U.S. Marshal and specialist in witness protection, John ‘The Eraser’ Kruger, disagrees with the verdict and decides to help hide the condemned and protect her with his life.

The Fight: With the Judge hot on his trail, Kruger investigates as to whom the real culprits are and his findings lead him to a pier on the edge of Mega City One, where the guns have been manufactured and are awaiting shipment. Kruger manages to dispatch all da bad guys, but unfortunately he forgets to leave any of them alive as proof of his innocence. The Judge arrives just in time to confront Kruger before he can escape and sentences him for aiding and abetting a felon-on-the-run.  And further more, convicting him to death  for the mass homicide he has just committed. Kruger is left with no choice but to fight for his freedom. The battle begins.

Kruger grabs two handfuls of the pulse rifles and begins to fire mercilessly unto Dredd, but JD is ready with his own highly efficient and customized weaponry. The two run along the planks of the wharf blasting at one another in a symphony of destruction. After awhile, it becomes clear that the two are equals, but it is Kruger who decides to play dirty. With a couple well placed plasma shots, Kruger positions Dredd underneath a massive metal crate suspended above the edge of the dock. Kruger fires a final shot breaking the chain holding it, just as Dredd realizes his mistake. From his position, Judge tries to roll away but the crate falls too fast and lands on his head, just before he clears it. Having won the battle Kruger walks over to the body to deliver his post-mortem one-liner, “No One Is Above The Law.” Kruger throws down his guns and begins to walk away.

BUT WAIT! Dredd’s arms begin to move and his hands grip the edge of the crate, pushing his body away from the mass of metal. Kruger forgot one thing: Dredd’s Helmet. Built with superior high-tech craftsmanship, the helm spared his head from being crushed. The Judge shakes off his pain and picks up Kruger’s discarded guns and yells out, ‘ABOVE THE LAW? I AM THE LAW!’, Kruger turns around just in time to look into the Judge’s eyes before he carries out his sentence, blasting Kruger’s body  80 feet into the air above the ocean, effectively turning him into fish-bate. Dredd went on to be one of the cofounders of the Patriot Act II: Electric Fuck You.

WINNER: SLY
TOTAL: STALLONE [4] / SCHWARZENEGGER [4]

07. Gabe Walker vs. Douglas Quaid aka Hauser
- Cliffhanger (1993) / Total Recall (1990) -

How They Meet: After hearing that Mars has obtained it’s own unlimited supply of oxygen, Gabe decides to move his Rock Climbing tours to the sandy red mountains of Earth’s closest neighboring planet. It is here that Walker meets Quaid and his woman, Melina, whom are interested in tagging along on one of his mountain getaways.

The Fight: The Three embark on a rugged adventure into the mountains of Mars for some memories of a lifetime. It just so happens that they will be BAD memories. While moving from one mountain top to another via a steel cable, Melina’s harness breaks and she is left dangling over a massive chasm. Gabe decides to climb out to get her as Quaid tries to figure out a solution. Unfortunately, Gabe is not successful in getting to her in time, and she falls hundreds of feet to her death. Walker pulls himself back to safety, but waiting for him on the other side is a distraught and pissed off DQ. Doug grabs Gabe and throws him off the cliff edge, shouting “See You At The Rescue Party, Walker!” However, Gabe is able to grab onto an outcropping and save himself unbeknownst to Quaid. Or so he thinks…

Gabe climbs back up to safety and vows to get revenge back at the base camp cave. Later that night, Gabe see’s Quaid standing in the firelight next to a particularly sharp stalagmite and decides to bum-rush Doug and impale him upon it. Gabe makes a beeline toward Quaid, but not 20 feet from contact Doug turns around and starts to laugh at him, Gabe yells out a battle cry and jumps straight through the standing Quaid and inadvertently impales himself upon the calcium carbonate. Gabe has just enough life left in him to see the real Quaid step out from behind the rocks, a hologram watch in hand. As he chokes to death on his own blood, Gabe’s death rattle is overpowered  by the sounds of Doug laughing, “You thought that was the Real Quaid!” HAHAHAHAHAHA! The next morning, Quaid takes a Johnny-Cab back to the city and hooks up with a three-tittied hooker at the Last Resort. Quaid wishes he had three hands.

WINNER: ARNIE
TOTAL: STALLONE [4] / SCHWARZENEGGER [5]

06. Sgt. John Spartan vs. Mr. Freeze aka Dr. Victor Fries
- Demolition Man (1993) / Batman & Robin (1997) -

How They Meet: After his negligence leads to the death of a bunch of hostages,  Sgt. John Spartan is incarcerated in a cryoprison, designed by Dr. Victor Fries to keep prisoners cryonically frozen in suspended animation throughout the duration of his sentence. Thirty-Odd years later, Spartan is paroled on the grounds that he helps take down a now insane and corrupt Dr. Fries, (now known as Mr. Freeze) whom has taken over the utopian L.A. with his advanced ‘Freeze’ ray technology.

The Fight: Spartan tracks his prey to the city’s museum, where Freeze is in the process of stealing a display of diamonds that he will use to power his ray-guns. Spartan is pumped as he gets to demolish the man that put him under the ice for the past 30 years, but since he waited this long… a little trip to the Weapons of the Past Exhibit, couldn‘t hurt, could it? Fully loaded with the finest weapons that the late 90’s had to offer, John slings a fancy-schmancy Laser-Gun over his back for good measure and makes his way to the hall where Freeze is preparing to flee the scene with his fresh load of bling.

Spartan runs in guns blazing and starts laying waste to Freeze’s legion of gayly-dressed henchmen. After dropping half-a-dozen of the poorly organized goons, Mr. Freeze busts up Spartan’s Fun, “Cool Party! Mind If I Crash?” Freeze quips as he blasts John with his Freeze-Gun. His legs covered in ice, John drops  his weapons in pain. Freeze spends the next 6 minutes relentlessly berating Spartan with a seemingly unending arsenal of  ice-related puns before leaving John with the knowledge that he has 5 minutes left of leg usage, before a lifetime of being reduced to a wheelchair. Not to mention a nasty case of the sniffles.

Refusing to give up and accept his fate, Spartan remembers the Laser-Gun slung ‘round his back. John whips out the weapon and proceeds to blast-away the ice blocking his Ass-Kickers and breaks free just in time to stop Freeze in the parking lot. Spartan blasts out the museum’s front doors and fires a concentrated blast straight into the breastplate of the unsuspecting Freeze, knocking him on his ass and breaking his suit wide open. Freeze’s henchmen scatter and John stiffly walks over to where Freezes lays helpless. As Spartan breaks off a large nearby icicle, he says, “You’re Gonna Regret Those Punch Lines For The Rest Of Your Life… Both Seconds Of It!” and proceeds to stab the icy blade deep into Freeze’s dark heart. In his dying breath Freeze whispers… “Damn… That, Was Cold.” Spartan celebrates his victory that night with dinner at the Taco Bell.

WINNER: SLY
TOTAL: STALLONE [5] / SCHWARZENEGGER [5]

05. Lieutenant Marion ‘Cobra’ Cobretti vs. Jack Slater
- Cobra (1986) / Last Action Hero (1993) -

How They Meet: ‘80’s action throwback Jack Slater is transported from out of the “Movie World” and into our own, using a magical movie ticket given to him by a ridiculously annoying little boy with a bowl-cut. Slater is hunting down da bad guys in the real world and spots his prime suspect getting into a car. Using his awesome ‘80’s powers, Jack punches through the window of a 1950’s Mercury Monterrey to commandeer it. Problem is the owner of the car is Lt. Cobretti, and he doesn’t like anyone fucking with his car.

The Fight: Slater is nursing his hand, realizing that punching through a car window, well… kinda hurts, when he hears the sound of footsteps. “You know what’s bad for your health?”  Cobra says in barely audible monotone.  Slater turns around to see who is behind him, “What?”. Cobra: “Me.” Slater takes in who he is looking at, “Who, are you supposed to be, da Terminator?”. Cobra: “No, I’m the cure… and you’re the disease.” Slater processes that for a second before pointing and shouting, “Look! Elephant!”. Cobra turns to look and receives a knuckle sandwich a la Slater. Cobra retaliates with a punch that starts way down South, a real Indiana Jones pulverizer and sends Slater flying into the Mercury. And it’s on.

The two leather-coat wearing, shit-kicker sporting action icons go tit-for-tat in an all out street brawl. The two weave a proverbial blanket of superimposed “sound effect” words floating above the mean streets of Manhattan. The minutes pass and Slater realizes that he doesn’t have time for this, he has to catch da bad guys, so he makes a move to end the fight and pulls his gun. “Why am I wasting time with a dime-store putz like you when I could be doing something much more dangerous, like re-arranging my sock drawers?” Slater shouts as he pops a cap in Cobra’s shoulder. Slater turns to run and hears Cobra yell out “Hey dirtbag, you’re a lousy shot. I don’t like lousy shots.” Slater glances back and sees his opponent has pulled a gun of his own. Jack stops in his tracks and takes aim. BANG! BANG! Not fast enough, Cobra plugs him in his stomach and drops him like rock. Both men deliver epic mongoloid battle cries as they pump one-another with lead. As the duo lay dying, Slater becomes pro-active and drags himself into the theater from-wince he came. Bloody and broken, Jack makes it to the screen and using the magical ticket, transports back into the film realm where his bullet-peppered body is only covered in flesh wounds. Meanwhile, in the real world, Cobra bleeds to death in a gutter. Yeah… Real Life Kinda Sucks. Viva La Escapism!

WINNER: ARNIE
TOTAL: STALLONE [5] / SCHWARZENEGGER [6]

04. Lincoln Hawk vs. Maj. Alan “Dutch” Schaefer
- Over The Top (1987) / Predator (1987) -

How They Meet: After winning the arm wrestling convention’s top prize, Lincoln Hawk gets a job working for the CIA as a Major in charge of putting teams together for covert missions. The head of the CIA is a BIG arm-wrestling fan, OK? Enter: Dutch. A friendly rivalry between Hawk and Dutch develops as the years go by over who has the bigger… mode of transportation.  All this culminates one day as Hawk has called in Dutch and his team for a high-risk mission.

The Fight: Having just arrived for briefing, Dutch enters the military compound and begins talking to General Phillips. The General gives Dutch the lowdown for the mission at hand.  Questioning why his team was chosen, Dutch hears a familiar voice from a nearby office. “’Cuz Some Damn Fool Accused You Of Being The Best!” Dutch turns to see his bicep-buddy, Hawk, standing in the door frame in a tie and trucker-cap.  As the two make eye contact, they stomp across the room to embrace in the only way that two men of this caliber can “LingCun, You Sunna-Va-Bitch!”, in a sweaty vein-bulging hand-shake. The two flex and it becomes apparent that this will end in tears. Without breaking their hold, the two gym-jocks hit the ground and a full-scale arm-wrestling match is on.

Amidst the grunts and dude sweat, Dutch gets an early advantage. “Whatsamatter, LingCun? CIA got you pushing too money puncils?” In response, Lincoln smiles and using his free hand, grabs the brim of his trucker-hat and turns it ‘round catcher style. Hawk moves his fingers positioning them over the top of Dutch’s thumb. That’s right, Lincoln just went Over-The-Top. Hawk claims the advantage and starts to savagely bend Dutch’s arm away from him. A flop-sweat blankets Dutch’s now beat red face as he struggles to maintain. But it is no use. His head shaking from the shear magnitude of his manliness, Hawk grunts like a constipated Mr. T and slams Dutch’s hand to the sweat covered concrete with such force that Dutch bites right through his stogie. Game Set Match. Angry about Hawk’s special move, Dutch sulks away saying, “What happened to you LingCun? You used to be someone I could trust… and what is dat fucking tie business?”

WINNER: SLY
TOTAL: STALLONE [6] / SCHWARZENEGGER [6]

03. Ray Quick vs. T-850 Model 101
- The Specialist (1994) / The Terminator (1984) -

How They Meet: Sarah Connor starts dating Ray circa 1995 (just after the events of The Specialist and Terminator 2), as a means to teach her and her son John about explosives, just in case judgment day still happens. ‘Cuz, you know, it’s like gonna.  Low and behold, a few months later, ANOTHER T-800 gets sent back to kill Sarah and John Connor.

The Fight: The T-850  tracks down John to the local mall, and catches him during a game of skee-ball (John just can’t stay away from them arcades!) Thinking that the Terminator is the friendly programmed father-figure model from last year, John runs to embrace the big lug and ends up getting his naive ass captured. The terminator then uses John as blackmail to lure out his momma.

The Terminator forces John into giving him his mother’s phone number. Sarah receives the call and recognizes the thick accent from her past.  The Terminator tells her that he has captured John and demands she give him her address dare. Sarah does not believe that her son would be so foolhardy to be captured,  but tells the machine a location where he can find her as to lure the killbot into a trap.

Ray gets the lowdown from Sarah and the two work out a plan of attack. Ray gets to work rigging the abandoned warehouse that is to be the meeting ground with a deadly array of explosives and carefully placed landmines. Soon the agreed upon time comes to pass and the ever-efficient machine pulls up to the entrance on his stolen hog. Having run the scenario through his robo-brain, the Terminator expects foul play, so his contingency plan is slung over his shoulder struggling in a large duffel bag. From Ray and Sarah’s vantage point, it appears as though the machine is packing mucho firepower and rather than wait to find out just what he has waiting for them in his duffel bag, Ray sets the explosives in the warehouse to blow in Five minutes.

The Terminator surveys the area and stands up from his chopper, John in-tow and heads into the building just missing a trip wire placed on the bottom of the door . With his back now facing the humans, it is clear that what the machine is packing is alive and kicking. “John!”, Sarah screams as she runs to save her son from becoming a bloody smear on the side of a crater as Ray hurries to punch in his disabling code. Unfortunately for mankind, Sarah, in her panicked state, forgets about the trip wire and upon busting through the door, is blown to flesh-confetti. The massive explosion sends the Terminator ass over-tea-kettle into the air, but he breaks his fall on the soft spongy flesh of mankind’s would-be savior, crushing him in the process and unintentionally completing his mission.  Meanwhile outside, Ray stands in horror as chunks of concrete and his former lover rain down upon him. 3… 2… 1… BOOM! The rest of the building goes and the Terminator with it. Leaving Ray to spend the next two years in deep self loathing until Judgment Day comes and claims him along side 6 billion others. This time, the Terminator won’t need to Be Back. Way to go Ray.

WINNER: ARNIE, as his mission was a success and SLY dies in Armageddon.
TOTAL: STALLONE [6] / SCHWARZENEGGER [7]

02. Rocky Balboa vs. Conan of Cimmeria
- The Rocky Franchise (1976-06) / Conan The Barbarian (1982) -

How They Meet: Upon one of his many adventures, Conan becomes magically transported to the 1980’s United States by a vengeful Wizard. (It could happen!) Trapped in this new world, Conan decides to rise once again from Zero to Hero by becoming the champion of modern Gladiators: Professional Boxing. To become the best though, one must take on the best and at the top of this game waits the undefeated Rocky Balboa. As Conan begins to make his name in the boxing world by straight-up bludgeoning his victu…I mean opponents, he is continually dogged his chance at the champ, but all that changes when Conan makes it personal.

The Fight: Rocky is at a press conference on the steps of the famous Philly Art Museum, to discuss his retirement from the sport, when Conan shows up. Conan challenges Rocky, this time criticizing Rocky’s title defenses as being set-ups against “Girlie Men.” Then, he takes it too far and begins to harass Rocky’s wife Adrian by saying, “You wanna see a real man? Come over to my place and I’ll show you the power of Crom, strong on his mountain!” Angered by the suggestive(?) remark, Rocky agrees to the fight.

Round One: Rocky starts well, pounding Conan with a slue of beef-tenderizing punches, but Conan laughs off the attack and soon goes to work.  Conan starts to show off his moves he learned as a pit fighter back in his slave days. He slams the champ around and even decks him one at the bell. Round Two: Rocky gets in serious trouble as Conan attacks him unmercifully. Rocky gets knocked down with a hook that nearly knocks his face off his head. Lying mangled on the floor Rocky struggles to get to his feet,  but is counted out and loses the title. Rocky is dragged away from the fight to the sounds of adoration being heaped upon nemesis‘ name. Just before he passes out he hears a reporter ask, “Conan, what is the best in Professional Boxing?”. Conan replies, “To Pummel Your Enemies, See Them Retire, and to Hear The Lamentation Of Their Fans!”

Beaten, Rocky is plagued with depression and anger. Not knowing what happened to his life, Rocky begins to visit the places of his past, including the abandoned gym at which he used to train. It is here that Rocky is visited by the spirit of Valeria. She tells Rocky that Conan is needed back in his world and the only way to convince him to leave his lavish life in our world behind is to defeat him in battle, thus humiliating him in the eyes of Crom. Rocky doesn’t understand ANY of this, but agrees to be trained by the spirit in order to get back what he lost.  The first thing Rocky is told is that he needs to get ‘the Eye of the Tiger’, his fighting spirit, in order to defeat Conan. So, Rocky and Valeria visit the local Zoo and with some sneaky moves and a dagger, obtain one. Valeria instructs Rocky on making a potion using the detached cat-eye, which will give him the power to defeat Conan.

The next day, Rocky schedules a rematch to be held in one month. Believing he is invincible, Conan agrees and the match is set. Que the Training Montage. The time flies by as Rocky gets back to basics with his trainer Valeria, as Conan spends the days away drinking and punching out various large animals. Through hard work and determination, Rocky works through his self doubt and fear to regain his inner fighting spirit, (the magic potion helps in this) and by the time the fight rolls around, he is in the best shape, both mentally and physically, of his life.

The Re-Match, Round One: At the start of the fight, Rocky sprints from his corner and goes right after Conan. Fighting with skill and power that no one, especially Conan, expected. As a result Rocky completely dominates the first round, blanketing Conan in a fury of lefts and rights. Round Two: Conan, now understanding that this will be no simple walk in Cimmeria, gains the upper hand. Just as it starts to look bleak for Rocky, Valeria appears and nods the OK for Rocky to unleash the Eye of the Tiger. Rocky bewilders both Conan and the crowd as he intentionally takes a beating from Conan, whilst taunting him for being unable to knock him out. Round Three: Conan, who is used to winning fights swiftly with one-punch knockouts in the first two rounds, quickly expends his energy trying to finish Rocky off. But, to Conan’s shame, Rocky remains stronger than ever as he finally retaliates and delivers a punch so powerful and devastating it knocks Conan completely off his feet and out of the ring. Rocky is showered with cheers and admiration as he watches a thankful Valeria grab hold of Conan and receives back his championship belt just as she dissipates into the mist, Conan in tow. Rocky later goes on to the end the cold war and unite us all in peace in and harmony. I love a happy ending.

WINNER: SLY
TOTAL: STALLONE [7] / SCHWARZENEGGER [7]

01. John Rambo vs. John Matrix
- The First Blood / Rambo Franchise (1982-08) / Commando (1985) –

How They Meet: Rambo and Matrix form a 2 man commando hit squad and become the crème de la crème go-to team in covert military operations.

The Fight: Two years after a mysterious meteor falls in the South American country of Val Verde, an alien army has risen. Lead by the powerful Bennett Zaysen, they call themselves Crimson Eagle. The duo is sent out to the alien’s island headquarters in order to thwart a plot to invade the Earth. Our heroes arrive on the beachfront at O… around 6:30 and perform a weapons check in the early morning sunlight, before performing the most epic lock and load montage ever committed to film. Packing more heat than Mount St. Helens, the two move out, and by using their patented Run-&-Gun style, proceed to lay waste to an entire army of scum-sucking alien fucks. Blood, puss, guts and ooze spew forth from the alien soldiers’ bodies as Matrix and Rambo tear though the masses with high powered portable mini-guns, explosive tipped arrows and grenade launched cluster bombs. The duo work their way inland, never breaking pace as wave after wave of extra-terrestrial cannon fodder crashes into them.

After a few close calls on the island’s pit falls, the two manage to make it to the aliens’ home base, a giant mansion at the heart of the island. Rambo and Matrix bust down the door and waste the few remaining guards using a plethora of bullets and improvised weapons, working their way into the bowls of the mansion. Finally, they find the leader, Bennett Zaysen, making his escape on the catwalks leading through the basement boiler room. Too bad for our heroes as it  happens, Bennett has a surprise waiting for them. It seems that Zaysen knew the two were coming and formed a contingence plan in case his army failed, he kidnapped Matrix’s daughter Jenny and Rambo’s father-like former Coronal Trautman.  Bennett gives the two an ultimatum, fight to the death or their loved ones die.

Having no choice other than everyone dying, Matrix strips off his guns and Rambo discards his bow, throwing their weapons over the edge of the catwalk. With only their knives left, the fight is on. The two circle each other, Matrix having claimed to have eaten Green Berets for breakfast, makes the first move. He swipes viciously at Rambo’s chest and connects, slicing through his pectorals like butter. Rambo, having been tortured more times than James Bond, barely feels a thing and counters with a swipe of his own, clipping Matrix on his shoulder and taking off a ham-steak size chunk. It is clear that these men are evenly matched. The two continue their gladiatorial battle causing massive collateral damage to the mansions heat and water system and tearing one another to flesh ribbons.  On and on the two battle relentlessly, until suddenly, Matrix takes a bad step and tumbles over the side of the walkway to the cold metal mesh below and within seconds Rambo is on him. Watching on the catwalk above them, Zaysen yells out, “Yes, it’s over FINNISH HIM!”. Hearing this knocks some sense into Matrix who yells “BullShit!” and with a kick, sends Rambo flying onto their pile of disguarded weaponry. Matrix grabs hold of a pipe and tears it from the wall and proceeds to throw the massive hunk of lead like a javelin through the air, only he was not aiming at Rambo. The pipe flies through the air, straight into the belly of an unsuspecting Bennett Zaysen and impales him to the wall. Shocked and racked with excruciating pain, Zaysen pulls out his sidearm and takes aim at his captors, just then a battlecry wails from down below, “GET DOWN!” Rambo yells, his bow back in hand. Jenny and the Colonel simultaneously dive to safety as  Rambo takes aim and fires an explosive tipped arrow straight into the head of Bennett Zaysen, eviscerating his head like a water balloon dropped at high altitude. Broken and bleeding, Rambo, Matrix and their loved ones limp out of the complex, mission complete and living to fight another day for the good of all mankind.

WINNER: FREEDOM, JUSTICE, AND THE AMERICAN WAY

As for who wins between SLY or ARNIE… Hell if I know. This fight was by far the hardest to set up and play out in my mind. In the end, I just went with a mixture of Commando and Rambo III, with elements of Contra. These two characters are such definitive BadAsses, that it is really hard to determine a winner, much less configure a scenario in which they would have, or want to, fight one another. I guess what I am saying is, I took the easy way out. And I’ll leave it to whomever reads this mess to determine for themselves.  And yeah I know, leaving this one undecided, leaves the list in a tie, (oddly enough, that was not my intention), but I don’t see that as a bad thing. SLY’s characters easily edge out ARNIE on the likability scale, while ARNIE’s edge out SLY on the Bad-Mother-Fucker scale. But in the end, together, these two guys built an empire of Awesomeness that will forever be remembered, at least in my mind, as the Golden Age of Action Cinema. So you know who wins? We do, by getting to enjoy these two guys’ catalogs of BadAssery for decades to come. Thanks for Reading ~ RANTBO

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