Tranformers: A Dish Best Served Never

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[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009): Breakdown by Rantbo

Explosion – Dick Joke – Cleavage – Sunset – Robot – U.S. Military Recruitment Video Footage: Repeat For 2 Hours.

[THE EXECUTION]

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Yes. Those Are What You Think They Are. Welcome To Transformers 2

OK, I’m going to try my best to recount the plot what happened. But, you’re going to have to cut me some slack if I miss something, as this film’s narrative changed shape and size more often than the fuckin’ robots did. Here goes…

The film begins in 17,000 B.C. when ancient Transformers roamed the Earth, killing black people unprovoked. Awesome. Jump ahead. A chase sequence breaks out featuring 5-9 transformers including Optimus Prime and the one that’s just a giant wheel with a head. I didn’t catch it’s name.

Optimus informs us, via voiceover, that he and a bunch of the other “Good” Robots have teamed up with the United States military to cruise around the world assassinating the “Bad” Robots for their affiliation with Megatron. Even though the ones made victims of this witch-hunt had nothing to do with the attacks at the end of part one. But I understand the logic. It’s like if the quarterback of a football team gets caught shaving points, you naturally have to fire the entire defensive line, as they are all wearing the same uniform.

Seventy-three explosions later, we join Sam (Mutt Jones) as he is getting ready for college and inadvertently finding a chunk of the all powerful cube stuck to his old hoody.  The chunk then sets his floor on fire (remember how it set shit on fire in the first movie?) and turns all his household appliances into Mini Popeye Robots, with giant phallic rods extending from their crotches. Thankfully, Camaro lives in the garage and saves the day by blowing up Sam’s house. I’m not sure why this helps, but I’m also not sure why this sequence was inter-cut with shots of dogs fucking either…

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Anyways, the point is Sam is now back on the Bad Robot’s radar—which is actually played by one of the Bad Robots. SoundCheck or something. Doesn’t matter, skipping ahead.

Now at college, Sam meets the film series’ newest pointless comic relief cast member, his roommate ____ I’m sorry, I don’t remember his name. No joke. But again, it doesn’t matter as the REAL reason for this first hour of the movie is to glorify an awesome cameo of the T-X from TERMINATOR 3.

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It should come to no shock that the cameo isn’t explained, and it was a little confusing at first, as they hired a newer/younger/hotter “actress” to play the role (I guess Kristanna Loken was too busy working on the latest Uwe Boll film, to reprise the role), but it was still pretty entertaining to see these two terribly deluded franchises amalgamate into one GIANT pile of celluloid shit. You know what they say, anything worth sucking-ass, is worth sucking-ass hard.

So, naturally, hijinks and hilarity ensue as Sam must deal with his new roommate’s space-robot conspiracy theories, his pot-brownie eating, student humping mother and the T-X trying to tentacle-rape him to death. And this all somehow leads up to Sam fulfilling his destiny of: dying, visiting Robot Heaven, learning these events were pre-ordained since before Christ and jump-starting Optimus Prime with a shard of solidified black space dust so he can have the power to wear the skin of another robot, which he’ll need to defeat the mother of the Bad Robots before she blows up the Earth’s sun with a giant laser-cannon that was hidden underneath the first layer of limestone on the great pyramid of Giza! Of course! It’s so simple now that I think about it! Though, I’m still not quite clear on how this all ties in to dog fucking…

Same Shit Different Movie

Racism:

Still A#1. The opening to this film actually bests BAD BOYS II, when michael bay’s name appeared over a burning cross, by beginning with an ancient robot killing some black tribesmen with no reason given. Then, of course, there are the twin robots, Mudflap and Skids. And they couldn’t have picked more appropriate names.

Since every critic out there has already torn these characters to pieces for being black stereotypes personified, I’m not going to waste too much time doing the same here. I’ll just say that while I can get past the ebonics, the violent tendencies, the terrible one-liners and the pride in willful ignorance, as this is what the target audience of 12 year-old white kids think is cool, but the fact that they made these two abominations look like this…

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I just can’t forgive that shit. Fucking, wow. I can’t believe that someone with influence didn’t see these two and immediately slam their foot on the breaks and force bay to change this. You would have thought that Spielberg of all people could have learned from his buddy Lucas’s Jar-Jar fiasco, but no. I actually find it amazing that bay was able to out-offend Black-Stereotype Bot and Anthony Anderson from part one, but fucking kudos, he did it.

Brains Are For Geeks And Assholes:

Any and every character that has an inkling of intelligence, or that is in a position of education and information is portrayed as an insufferable dick-head that despite their brainpower and knowledge, just don’t get it. So, they are written into prank laden situations that fall just shy of them having their underwear pulled over there head by Donald Gibb. Oh, and bay also has a library explode to salt the thinking man’s wound.

Ass Numbingly—Fucking—LONG:

It’s truly brutal. Over, WELL over 60 minutes is pure, unnecessary fluff that has no business in this film at all. The only reason for its existence that I can come up with, is that bay must have been paid on an hourly basis. There is no other excuse for how much pointless shit clogs up this movie. Most of which, leads me to the next point.

Non-Stop, Annoying, Unnecessary Comic Relief:

Once again, ARGHHH!!! It’s fucking unrelenting, you guys. There’s actually a point where a geriatric Bad Robot, who has a fucking BEARD and A CANE, who is somehow able to teleport, which they also don’t ever bother to explain—farts a fucking parachute…

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Improvements

Slightly Fewer Characters With More Shit To Do:

Several of the bullshit supporting characters from the first film return, but surprisingly, they actually end up participating in something that—I won’t say matters, but effects the “story”. And at least they didn’t bring back Anthony Anderson. So, there is some improvement here.

Less Advertising:

Aside from the already established GM cars, and a shot of times square. I only noticed one blatant  product placement for a shitty soda, whose name I shall not repeat. I’ll just say that it looks like piss and tastes even worse. Also, I’m pretty sure all the phones in the film were the same, but I’m not a phone guy, so I didn’t look too far into it.

More, Better Action:

While I still think that the robots are still WAY too overly complex and hard to comprehend, the fight sequences are far superior this go round. Which is the best I could have hoped for, because I wouldn’t expect, nor want, them to have had changed the continuity of how the bots function. But thankfully, someone must have drilled a hole of sense through bay’s ego big enough to get a whisper of how action geography works into his thick juvenile skull, as I was actually able to tell (for the most part) what the fuck was going on. And while it’s ludicrous that this is a problem that has to be addressed, I’m still just so pleased that I was able to just sit and watch, instead of straining my eyes with a hellish endurance trial of comprehension like part one. Though, I was still rarely able to discern which character was fucking which. But I think this had more to do with shitty, similar Robot color schemes and voice choices than cinematography and editing.

In closing, and in case you couldn’t tell, I did not like this movie. BUT, I also did not hate it. Even though I really, really wanted to. Unlike part one, I strongly believe that there exists a salvageable action film within this ungodly messy narrative. And the simple fact that this film bothered to HAVE a narrative, despite how bombarded with shit it was, is a sign of hope. Given the time, I think I could re-edit this bloated pile into a taught, hour and twenty-minute piece of acceptable Action cinema. And this is far more than I could say of part one. So, TRANSFORMERS: ROTF is still a shit sandwich, but at least it’s not a soggy shit sandwich. There are easily more movies out there, and recently too, that I would choose re-watching this flick over. And, however backhanded, that’s saying something. Though, I’m still not going to recommend anyone else waste their time watching this. Please, heed my advice, skip it. It’s really not worth the time, and especially not worth the money, no matter how small the charge.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

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Shia LaBeouf is Sam Witwicky. Again.

While Optimus does get far more screen time than in the first, he is still merely a supporting role, as he spends nearly half the movie dead. So, once again, we are left to view the heroic deeds of Witwicky the Wussy.

To be fair, the character has grown a bit since last we saw him, and while he is still prone to fits of crying incomprehensible babble, I found him far less annoying. He stopped screaming “No, NO, NOOOO!!!” every other line, he’s assertive and actually does something that effects the what happens. However—I still take issue with the character.

This time, the powers that be, couldn’t seem to decide if they wanted Sam to be the reluctant “John McClane-esque” hero, or the out for justice “Superman” kind. Consequently, when Witwicky switches gears from one to the other, mid-way through, my head started to hurt and my brain said, “Fuck it” and shut off. Which, now that I’m able to think again, must have been the desired effect all along. So, if LaBeouf’s character continues to evolve in these small doses, I can see him being a gun-wielding, non-crying ballsy hero, somewhere around part 5. The Action Gods help us all.

[THE BODY COUNT: SEVEN TO EIGHT—THOUSAND]

Humans fly through the air like rag dolls and robots get junked like matchbox cars at a daycare. Not to mention , bay also has Paris destroyed—again. With so much destruction, chaos and general bayhem the count is nigh uncountable. At least with any acceptable accuracy. Not to mention at least 3 dead characters return from the scrap-heap in the sky with no real explanation how, so fuck it. The count I posted is an estimate based on a number given within the movie. That’s the best you’re gunna get from me.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]

Optimus Prime+ vs. The Fallen

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Though anti-climatic as it takes all of 1 minute for Prime to smash the “almighty” ancient Transformer into a pile of slimy metal shit, the fight was still satisfying. While it took bay almost 5 combined hours to finally show us Prime’s ass-kicking potential, he thankfully doesn’t disappoint in the brutality department.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

For some ungodly reason….

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John Turturro’s ass, ladies and gentlemen. By far, the film’s greatest achievement in non-sequitur what-the-fuckery.

There could have been some more gayness that I missed, but due to the above sequence, I was blinded by hairy man-ass and stricken immune to gay charm for the duration of the picture.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

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Holy shit! There ARE Transfemmers! And literally 2 seconds after they speak, revealing themselves female, michael bay has them destroyed! And I wish I was joking. You almost have to applaud such devoted, cross-species misogyny. And this, of course, brings the tally of Good Robot Deaths to 1 Black Guy and 2 Females. Well done, bay. But the misogo-train doesn’t stop there.

There are also two more female robots working for the bad guys. The first one is the aforementioned T-X on lone from Warner Brothers Pictures. Aside from appearing for the soul purpose of scandalous T&A, she also gets a face fulla robot jizz, courtesy of Camaro.

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Then there is the pièce de résistance. The final female robot is none other than the title character. The Fallen. There is no doubt in my mind, that this is a fact. Some would argue that by having the voice of the Candy Man is proof otherwise, but this is simply a disguise. And the fact remains, up until the final 15 minutes, this thing spends the entire film, and if we are to believe the story, the last several thousand years, floating around in space, hooked up to a giant rock crapping out gooey-pod units of baby Bad Robots. Just like the queen from ALIENS. And what happens when she decides to stop producing spawn for war and tries to enter the work force of world domination? Optimus Prime rips her fucking face off and shoves his fist through her chest. If this were made by any other director than michael bay, there might be room for dispute, but as it stands, I think my theory of The Fallen’s gender is pretty concrete.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Optimus = Scrap-Metal

It’s sunset in Jersey. A tragic score accompanies the fallen Autobot leader, Optimus Prime, as he is brought home to rest. Transported with utmost care via helicopter, the alien hero’s body is delivered for the remaining members of the Decepticon resistance, to say goodbye, and gain closure.

And they drop his body onto the tarmac like an beercan filled with lead. Causing me—to laugh my nuts off.

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Agent Simmons: “Let’s not get episodic here, okay, old-timer? Beginning, middle, end. Facts, details. Condense: Plot. Tell it!”

If ever there where a more appropriate situation for the need to heed one’s own advice, it’s the screenwriter that wrote that line.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Don’t drink and drive, kids. Otherwise your director will be forced to create a teleportation sequence and fuck up an already stupid-ass movie to explain why your hand is a crippled mess. Oh, and Megan Fox also returned for part two, and in case I forgot to mention it, here’s what she contributed…

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[THE CHECKLIST: 18 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[X] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[  ] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

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