Streets Of Boredom

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Streets Of Blood (2009): Breakdown by Kain424

Cops that blur the line between crooked and hard-boiled attempt to clean the streets of New Orleans.  50 Cent continues to attempt to act.

[THE EXECUTION]

Cliche.  And not in the fun way. The films starts out with a cop being asked by a police counselor if killing bothers him and I already wanted to turn it off.  In fact, before Michael Biehn showed up, I almost did.  The damn therapy sessions keep coming, and boy do they get old.  It doesn’t help that the whole thing is filmed in hand-held, so no shot is left standing still… even when they need it.

Once they get to the Action scenes (which fortunately occur frequently enough to keep one interested), the wobbly camera work is only compounded  by the lack of lighting in every shot.  So, while you’re struggling through quick-cuts and shakiness, you also have to squint in the darkness and make guesses as to what’s happening.  It’s not the worst I’ve ever seen, but it is not as entertaining as it seems to think it is either.

The direction just seems sloppy.  It’s like the guy can’t choose between trying to be a pretentious police film about inner city corrupt cops, or a cool buddy action flick and so it fails on both accounts.  There’s a scene where a drug kingpin takes the heads of all of his competition, and you’re left going, “was that it?”  That seemed easy.

If you squint, you can see Michael Biehn!

There’s some cool dialog, but unfortunately they gave it to 50 Cent, who simply isn’t bringing it in this one.  Hell, most of the time, he doesn’t even bother opening his mouth when he talks.  And speaking of the dialog, I don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about sometimes.  Check this bit out:

Val Kilmer (to another cop): “So, uh, it really is true, those rumors.  Y’all really do… eat your dead?”

50 Cent: “Eat their dead?  While I hold my socks up with thumb tacks.  And wipe my ass with razor wire.”

What the fuck does that even mean?

The film has a sense of humor, I can tell from the writing.  But since the director bungled it so badly, the movies loses it in the entertainment area.  There is also some sort of political content with the FBI only exacerbating the problems in the area, but again, the poor direction just makes you lose interest.

All of this, of course, is a shame.  Underneath all of the problems, and even allowing for some DTV slack, I think there is a good movie waiting to come out.  There are some good visuals, and the attempt to blend 70s cop films with today’s strive for gritty realism is a noble cause.  It’s too bad a lame director shot this film down from what could possibly be a great Action effort to a mediocre back-of-the-shelf cookie-cutter cop flick.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Val Kilmer is Andy Devereaux

Devereaux is sort of a modern day Bud White (from L.A. Confidential) character, not afraid to beat a suspect for information but more than willing to let young females go free from the scenes of crime without giving statements.  Unlike his 50s counterpart, however, Devereaux doesn’t seem to have any real fighting ability, getting knocked over by detained suspects and generally looking haggard and doughy.  He has a code of honor, which includes never being on the take and always keeping your partner in the know.  He has a very clear view of who the bad guys are, even if no one else shares that view.

Curtis 50 Cent Jackson is Stan Green

Jackson plays Green in a surprisingly subdued performance that I think is meant to seem conflicted.  Green has a wife and a bunch of kids, so he steals money from a crime scene at least once.  By his ethics, though, providing for his family means buying a big screen television.

[THE BODY COUNT: 39]

This film continues a very tasty trend in DTV films by having a decent bodycount, and even using squibs to indicate bullet-to-body connections.  There are many shootouts, not especially well-done, but I have to give credit where credit is due.  We get people shot in the torso mostly, but also leg and arm shots, and even a guy who gets his nuts shot off.

There are some drug-related deaths, but this is mostly just a shoot ’em up type flick.  Most of the damage is done by the (questionably) good guys, but I’d say the baddies give about as good as they get.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

That dude who gets his nuts shot off.  For eagle-eyed viewers, there’s a nice little joke thrown in:

ouch

Right click view image to enlarge

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

There is a lot of talk here about “partners” and how a partnership “is a marriage” and whatnot, but nothing overtly gay.  50 Cent goes home to ignore his family, and only really opens up to Sharon Stone, but aside for that there’s not much.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

If the woman’s not played by Sharon Stone (who I think is trying to butch it up for this role) they are probably a slutty crack-fiend.  I don’t think there’s a well-adjusted female in this movie.  And there’s constant reference to the fact that these crackwhores’ mouths are dangerous to get close to.  It’s all very dirty.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Michael Biehn showing up and saving my attention.  That was the epic moment… at least, I can’t really think of another.

50 Cent gets the best line of the movie, when Sharon Stone asks him what he thinks of his partner:

“Guys like Andy and me?  We’re all that stands between people like you and the end of the motherfuckin’ world!”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

DTV is the last bastion for Action with a bodycount.

[THE CHECKLIST: 11 outta 25]

[  ] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[  ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[  ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse
[  ] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Artillery
[  ] Improvised Weapon(s)
[  ] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[  ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[  ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[  ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[  ] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[  ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

What Happened To My Career?  Seriously!?

You must be logged in to post a comment.