Top Ten Turkeys Of 2015
Well folks, it’s that wonderful time of the year when we look back at a shitpile that is 2015 that will make you shudder in disgust.
Lo and behold these wretched transgressions against celluloid art that will surely scar you as an angry cat that hasn’t seen fresh air regularly.
It feels as if though the James Bond franchise is a see saw/coin toss conundrum in terms of quality in this day and age, as demonstrated in this lame misadventure for London’s Tuxedo Crusader. Were it not for the magnificent Craig to keep me mildly amused for this nearly 3 hour long shlock, I’d probably put it right here in the top 4 category. Egads, was the venerable Waltz horrible as not-Blofeld. The trailers pretty much axed what little surprise there could be and Sam Smith’s likely-to-steal-oscar performance was nothing more than a half-assed ear bleeding cry fest. Craig has already killed off the possibility of returning, and with it, any interest for me to have at potential follow up to the 007 series. Shame, shame.
Weeeee! It had to be a trilogy, right? As if the previous two were any better to begin with. This movie could have been a breaking point, a chance for Neeson and crew to redeem themselves for the perpetual circle jerk of toned down, watered-down action. But no. We got MORE! More vomit inducing editing, hapless dialogue, uninteresting characters and zero-ass plot. They say it’s over now, but the fact that this shill snagged a lot of money tells me otherwise.
Oh, Pierre Morel, how low you’ve fallen. I thought we were through with the he’s-over-fifthy-but-can-still-pull-punches shtick. Sean Penn would have fared better in a shoe shine commercial. Elba and Bardem are terrible and were clearly there just for the paycheck. Naturally, as the film is shit, it earned a potato bowl, so the sequel is pronto.
Now, it has been well known I have much disdain for Mrs. Anderson and her inability to cocktail ride in a humanly decent star vehicle in between godawful Resident Evil installments. But when you pair that up with Pierce “Frown” Brosnan and bare bones of a plot, you got yourself treated to nauseating, pathetic phone-in that was so bad it barely lasted a month in theaters. Cancer-infected with the PG 13 plague, depraved of common sense and Bronco parodying his career highlight, this garbage will put you to sleep faster than Nyquil.
#7 JUPITER ASCENDING
The Wachovski bro… The Wachovski’s have previously tested my patience, first with the huge ‘fuck you’ ending of The Matrix Revolutions, then with unbearable Speed Racer followed by a total confusion that is Atlas Cloud. Sad to say, this is the stroke that broke the camel’s back. I genuinely lost count at how many times I fell asleep trying to watch it, trying to decide who was worse, Tatum or Kunis, occasionally chuckling at Eddie Redmayne’s tragic parody of the Merovingian (a cartoon of it’s own). I see no possible comeback for the great duo that once was, let alone this living up to be a franchise.
There is no God. If God existed, this movie wouldn’t. There are no excuses for Depp here (Black Mass doesn’t bail you out, fucker). Johno’s on-set primadona debauchery was mostly kept away from the eyes of mortals, but it’s rather obvious at this point how much of a flying fuck Depp gives for a ridiculously overpriced role he takes. Being so uninterested in what’s happening, he has to LITERALLY BE CARRIED AROUND!!! People can shit about how Brando was just as poignant in the later years, that mofo could still out-act anyone on his worst day. Clearly unwanted in Hollywood anymore, Depp predictably ran back to his sugar daddy Burton, and he’d better stay there forever.
#5 TERMINATOR: GENISYS
You had to go there, Hollywood, didn’t you? Nothing is holly about you if you ask me. You just had to piss, shit, douse in gasoline and burn it. Fucking degenerates, the lot of you. How am I going to look at the cover of Cameron’s masterpiece seriously ever again? What possibly could have convince you people wanted anything to do with Terminator after the bland, soul crushingly boring and outright revolting letdown that was Salvation? Watering it down once again for juvenile demographics, this shameful installment features yet another scene where a Terminator is ended by a bullet. Fucking bullet. And on top of that, they casted up and coming cardboard cutouts as lead characters. Arnie was so old for this one that I could swear I saw him almost stumble. Cameron, get a hold of this property, lock it up for 1000 years and NEVER make another one.
#4 HITMAN: AGENT 47
I really, really wish they would just give up on video game movies. I know that comic book movies struggled in the early years but this particular market is a stillborn, if you ask me. And even comic book movies are getting old fast nowadays. What moron thought casting a total unknown in the role of famed bold assassin, discount Jessica Alba and Zachary-I-need-this-till-new-Star-Trek-comes-out-Quinto was going to be a selling point? An uneventful borefest in another year. This year, just the borefest of the month. Not even Quinto’s eyebrows could save this film from disaster. Warcraft and Assassin’s Creed are gonna be turkeys of 2016, just you wait.
OK, I’m done. I’m fucking done. I give up on Nico. There is no coming back to reality for Cage. Just pass him a shot of scotch and a gun. It’s a lot quicker and less painful than watching him ruin himself over and over again. Basically, The Last Samurai jerk-off knock-off plus Christensen minus brain. Minus valet. Minus brain.
Yes, I know this is technically a 2014 film, but Cage didn’t do so well then either, remember?
Blargh! Another year, another generic Willis phone-in. And once again teaming up with that asshole that jerked out The Prince (is this Groundhog Day?). And now he drags Thomas Jane down with him. The lack of passion, as evident by the fact that poster makers didn’t even bother to align names right, is downright criminal. People should be locked the fuck up for enabling this kind of bullshit! Bruce, fucking fuck off with this shit already.
Oh, man, did I know this horseshit was gonna blow up in their faces or what. Clearly learning nothing from Sony’s mistakes of yesteryear (and by that I don’t mean them laying off scores of people instead of paying them), 21st Century Weasels decided to shove their dicks into the meat grinder yet again with comic book characters that by this point even Marvel hates. And was that a castration clusterfuck to behold:
– Director/studio relay biathlon that exacerbated with the destruction of a house by the hands of the Trank machine
– Constant re-shoots that were done poorly and with zero oversight
– Trank booted from Star Wars Anthology
– Kate Mara’s epic hair incident w/ shitty wig that makes that Samurai Cop “intervention” look fucking seamless by comparison
To me the train wreck that is F4 looks like a really shitty TV pilot split in two and glued back together with a bigger budget. This is the breaking point of comic book movies that many have feared but didn’t want to admit it. The fact that there are 20 plus of those damn things coming in mere years from now makes me cringe harder that watching Reed’s face unfold back into normal.
Just fucking give up, Hollywood!
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