From Russia With Love (1963): Bond Breakdown by Rantbo: Rating 9 outta 10

The Classified Intel:

Number 1, the mysterious leader of the evil organization known as SPECTRE (SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion), puts two of his top agents to work on a devious project. Kronsteen aka Agent #5,  devises a plan to steal a high-tech cryptographic device (a Lektor Decoder) for the Soviets, while at the same time enact revenge on MI:6 and 00 Agent James Bond, for the destruction of their outfit in Crab Key and the subsequent death of their agent, Dr. Julius No. Rosa Klebb, aka Agent #3, is put in change of carrying out the dastardly deed of organizing for Bond to do the dirty work and in the end, pay for his misdeeds against SPECTRE.

The Bond Song and Credits Sequence:

After a nail-biting opener, the filmmakers go to work at raising my blood pressure yet again, but this time, it isn’t the possible death of my favorite secret agent that gets my heart pumping, it’s Lisa “Leila” Guiraut*.

Leila is the first official half-naked female body of the now famous Bond Credit Sequences. The James Bond Theme blares in all its glory, as the credits are displayed in a light show on the bouncing breasts, gyrating hips and waving abs of the gorgeous belly dancer. Using her skin as a projection screen, title designer Robert Brownjohn, begins a tradition of making credit sequences, not only fun, but anticipated. Well done, old man.

The only thing lacking from the sequence, is a film specific “title” song. While one was recorded with famous 60s English singer, Matt Monro, it isn’t played properly until the end credits. I’m not a big fan of the song, but I still find it kind of a shame that it never really got its opening credits due. On the plus side, John Barry is officially THE composer and on top of the amazing Bond Theme returning (thus solidifying it inseparable from the series), Barry also creates a second Bond theme, used in times of pulse-racing action and moments of peril. It too, becomes an instant classic and is featured in many of the future installments.

*You get to see much more of the lovely Miss Leila during the gypsy camp scene later on.

Bond—James, Bond (Sean Connery)

Body Bags Filled [9 for certain, another 11 unconfirmed] Bedpost Notches [4]
Connery returns in his sophomore performance as 007. He first appears (as himself and not a guy in a mask) in what would become typical Bond fashion. In pre/post coitus suaveness. James is kicking back and having himself a little holiday with returning Bond film beauty, Sylvia Trench. The formula set from DR. NO is brought back by director Terrance Young, as Bond is interrupted in his bliss, by a call informing him that ‘M’ is cranky and needs him to report for duty. Bond agrees after negotiating out a little extra time to finish the job at hand. Oh, James!

But Young also made sure to give Bond another side and his character is not all sunshine and puppy-kisses this time around. We are shown the side of Bond that makes his superiors pick him time and again, the dark side. They know that even though Bond is a bit of a rogue and a joker, when the fit hits the shan, Bond will do the dirty work necessary to complete his mission. Be it killing an assassin in cold blood, a la DR. NO, or beating on a woman for information. Granted, this film was made in the 60’s, but it’s still quite jarring to see the hero beating on a woman. But, it works for the character, as it’s a great reminder to the audience that as charming and likable as James is, he is still a machine with a license to kill and a drive to get the job done, that reaches above morality.

Connery gives another great performance and it’s clear that he is WAY into the role. I’ve read quotes that FRWL is Connery’s personal favorite outing as the character, and it shows. The role is also much more physical and in doing many of his stunts, you can tell that Sean gave it his all. He gets in a brutal fight to the death, a gypsy-camp shootout, he dodges certain death from swooping helicopter blades and gets down and dirty using gasoline tanks and a flare gun to blow up a fleet of perusing boats. Bond just plain kicks ass and this sequel simply solidified that as fact.

The Bond Villain(s):

Eric Pohlmann as The Voice and Tim Moxon as The Hands of Number 1
Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty, Van Helsing and Count Dracula, Superman and Lex Luthor, America and Russia, and James Bond and this guy: Ernst Stavro Blofeld, but we don’t know that yet. ‘Number 1’ is all the identity he is given. His face is never shown, and he is represented only by his commanding, yet calm vocals, and a pair of well-groomed hands. Rather than physically represent the evil of global terrorism, it is left up to the performances of his subordinates to sell the eerie intimidation and ruthless malice behind the curtain. Luckily, Number 1 has some of the best. This role is very small and shrouded in mystery, but will continue to build in the following films, eventually becoming one of the greatest movie villains of all time.

Vladek Sheybal as Kronsteen aka Number 5
As the Chief Planning Officer for SPECTRE, Kronsteen is the brains behind the nefarious schemes and orchestrated chaos of the organization. Number 5 conducts the film’s plot like a grandmaster game of chess, which is fitting, as he is a world champion of the game in his spare time. He sets up the pawns of good and the knights and rooks of evil and foresees all their conceivable moves—almost. Kronsteen forgot one thing, to account for the sheer awesomeness of one British Bad-Ass. Too bad, as this means his ass. Though his part is small and his screen time is limited, I liked this character and I think Sheybal did a great job of bringing the cock-sure brainiac to life.

Robert Shaw as Donald ‘Red’ Grant
“Donald Grant, convicted murderer. Escaped Dartmoor Prison in 1960. Recruited in Tangier, 1962.”
Blondie here happens to be the top student at SPECTRE’s assassin outreach program. Trained in what could only be Chuck Norris’s back yard, Red is ready for anything, be it a punch in the gut from an angry Austrian midget, having to snipe during a gypsy camp shootout, or getting into a legendary brawl with Britain’s top agent.

Red emanates an eerie claustrophobic vibe, as he works from the shadows, always staying two steps ahead of Bond. His calm demeanor and cold hearted killings cover the film like an ill-fitting tuxedo—but in a good way. Quint can take a long walk off a short peer into a sharks mouth, this is my favorite performance by Shaw and set the bar for Bond henchmen that few, if any, were able to pass.

Lotte Lenya as Rosa Klebb aka Number 3
Intimidating, creepy and oddly sexy (I’ll explain), Rosa Klebb absolutely owns the screen whenever visible. A bronze medalist in the SPECTRE organization, Klebb makes it difficult to envision the guy that edged her out for the runner up. Most people would put Red as the principle villain of the picture, but I disagree. He’s just a glorified and well toned henchman with a bunch of screen time. Rosa Klebb is the one to watch. Pulling the strings of Number 5’s plan, she hand picks Red and Bond Girl Tatiana like the highest paid casting agent in Hollywood. Klebb knows her shit.

She starts by recruiting Red from the ninja compound and tests his manliness by equipping brass knuckles and punching him in the gut. Her next mission, to recruit an embassy clerk to seduce Bond, she does by playing out a game of intimidation infused with patriotic duties and promises of riding-crop fetish spanking for punishment (or pleasure) of screwing up.

Tasty. That stuff in the bedroom with Bond and Romanova doesn’t have anything on the sexual tension of that interview. But, you know what they say about the best laid plans of overconfident uptight chess players and pseudo-lesbianistic interrogators…

When her plan goes tits-up, Klebb decides to get her hands dirty. By becoming a maid. That’s not a joke, just a half truth, that happens to be funny. Posing as such, she infiltrates Bond’s hotel room to steal the coveted Lektor and is betrayed by her own pawn, Tatiana. Bond and Klebb tango about the room as she tries to kick him with a poisoned knife jutting out of her clodhoppers. She fights like a Spartan, but ends up succumbing to a fatal gunshot wound, via Tatiana. Oh, the spanking that would have gone down had she survived! But, she didn’t. It is to be a shame.

The Bond Girl(s):

Eunice Gayson as Trench, Sylvia Trench
Bond’s first girlfriend, Sylvia, is back again for a piece of the old JB. And I still love her. Introduced yet again next to Bond, she’s lookin’ foxy in a two-piece bathing suit, hair all down, like a 60’s pinup girl—damn. Originally it was conceived that she was going to be a mainstay in the Bond films, but sadly that piddled out. Not sure why, but I believe it had to do with director Terrence Young not returning for the next installment. Gayson was a friend of his and got the gig because of it. So, regrettably, this is her farewell performance, but thankfully it was a memorable one. I especially love her little pout she gives when James is on the phone, getting called back into duty. Placating the poor girl, Bond decides to throw her a bone and negotiates enough time to give her satisfaction, one last time. Upon hearing which, she claps her hands together in gratitude and excitement—too cute. I miss her already.

Martine Beswick as Zora and Aliza Gur as Vida
Before pumping his main squeeze Tatiana for information, Bond gets into a precarious situation featuring these two gypsy sex-pots. In love with the same man, these two “ladies” are destined to duke it out for the right to woo said lucky bastard. Bond happens to arrive at the camp on the night of the brawl. Oddly, James is appalled as the two beauties lunge at one another in a fury of hair pulling, nail swiping and cheap blows. These kitties like to scratch, Meeeow! Unfortunately, soon after round one begins, an unrelated shootout busts up the campsite. Chaos ensues, but with a healthy dose of superspy ass-kickery, things are set right . Impressed with how badass Bond is, the camp leader praises James and honors a request from him to stop the cat fight. Problem is, this leaves the battle undecided and it is up to the man who stopped it to resolve the matter…

It is still a mystery to this day, as to just what occurred during the long hours of that night, but what we do know is that the next morning a certain two ladies are seen cooking breakfast and mending the clothes of a very satisfied looking Scotsman.

Daniela Bianchi as Tatiana “Tania” Romanova
“Charming, charming—charming!”
Her name is a mouthful, but luckily her mouth is just the right size for Bond. Plus, it sounds so cool when Connery says it: Taught-E-Ha-Na. I must say Miss Daniela is one drop-dead gorgeous little lady and she scores high on a bunch of other Bond girl levels. Tatiana is such a great leap from the “stand there and look pretty” style of the first film, as she actually does stuff while looking good. Tricked into believing that she is working for her country, she agrees to play the traitor, selling her country out for a man she had only seen in a picture, (Bond, of course). MI:6 suspects a trap, but they allow Bond to go through with it regardless and this poor girl is caught in the middle. Tatiana plays the role of the love-lost damsel-in-distress a little too well and becomes torn between her fear of Klebb and her love for James. But, we all know which emotion wins over the other. Bianchi becomes the role, and with both smarts and beauty, she sets a standard for future Bond Girls—I for one would defect for some of her Russian lovin’, that’s fo’ sho.

The Best Bond-Aid:

“An ordinary black, leather case—with 20 rounds of ammunition here and here [on the left and right bottom sides]. In the side here, a flat throwing knife. Press that button there [right front face], and out she comes. Inside the case, you’ll find an AR-7 folding sniper’s rifle. It’s .25 caliber with an infrared telescopic sight. Then if you pull out these straps [dividing the inner compartment], inside are 50 gold sovereigns. 25 in either side. Now, watch very carefully. An ordinary tin of talcum powder. Inside, a tear gas cartridge. That goes in the case against the side, like that. It’s magnetized, so it won’t fall. Now, normally to open a case like that, you move the catches to the side. If you do, the cartridge will explode in your face. Now, to stop the cartridge exploding, turn the catches horizontally… then open normally.”

Try getting that bag past airport security nowadays. Bond ends up using the rifle, ammo, knife and teargas to, of course, whip some ass. The sovereigns don’t really get used, per say, but they end up serving as a badass means to an end. All-in-all, it’s “…a nasty little Chrishtmesh preshent.” But more importantly, it is designed and delivered to Bond by one of the greatest characters of all-time, Major “Q” Boothroyd as played by the outstanding Desmond Llewelyn.

Replacing the actor Peter Burton (from his brief stint as the character in DR. NO), Desmond Llewelyn IS Q. Here in his first outing, ‘Q’ is only given a small and pretty uneventful appearance. Summoned to M’s office just as 007 is ready to disembark, he delivers the goods from his department in a serene and dignified manner. He does his job and that is that. Not much else to say—for now. It isn’t until later installments that the filmmakers took notice in the untapped genius that Llewelyn had to offer.  I’m just thankful that they came to their senses and gave the old boy a shot. More on Q as his role develops.

Bond’s Greatest Hits:

The Body Count [ 21 and 11 unconfirmed]
Bond seals 9 evil men’s fates, mostly by bullet, but a couple Rube Goldberg style with a grenade and a big blonde baddie with a knife. Team Bond racks up 6 confirmed kills throughout the film’s duration and Team SPECTRE matches Bond with an impressive 9 kills, mostly executed by Red.

As for the unconfirmed, there is one man that Bond bashes about the head in the Gypsy camp raid, but it’s not clear as to whether or not it was a fatal blow and the other 10 belong to sailors that are engulfed in Bond’s gasoline fire at the end of the film. I don’t think that anyone could have paddled safely out of the fire, but I can’t be sure.

The Best Fight:

The famous Orient Express fight. Bond and Grant, two agents from opposing sides, both at the top of their game, throw themselves into a tornado of punches, kicks and body slams. All within one small passenger-car room. The battle is exquisite, and quite brutal considering the time in which it was made. Editor Peter Hunt truly outdid himself with this one.

The Most Satisfying Kill:

When forced with the decision to betray her superior officer, or shoot an enemy spy, Tania goes with her heart and plugs one in her comrade, Klebb. Tatiana just couldn’t bear to waste such a gorgeous slab of hunk like James. Poor Rosa, the sweet old dear goes down fighting, but ends up like so many of those who oppose Bond, twitching in agony as they slide down a wall to die. “She had her kicks.”

His Word Is His Bond:

Best Witticism:
Bond’s Turkish ally, Ali Kerim Bey, enacts revenge on a Russian assassin, by shooting him as he climbs out of a hidden hatch concealed by a giant painting of Anita Ekberg on the side of his apartment building.

Bond [after the Russian is shot and falls to his death]: She should’ve kept her mouth shut.

Best Double Entendre:
Boatman: …it’s a great sport, this punting!
Bond [cuddling with Sylvia in another boat]: I couldn’t agree with him more.
Sylvia: Mmm, I may even give up golf for it.
[Bond gets a phone call]
Moneypenny: He’s [M] been asking for you all morning, where in the world are you, James?
Bond: Uh—well, I’ve just been reviewing an “old-case”.

The Mission Debrief:

This film is essentially DR. NO with a higher budget. Along with the extra cash, the filmmakers took a little more care to make a serious and practical Bond. Terrence Young, again, takes all the ingredients that made the first film so special and added a splash of sheen, comedy and grandeur. The extra money and effort shows. The film is beautiful, smart, sexy and thrilling.

Young approaches FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE as kind of an homage to the success of the first film. All of James’s enduring quirks return, but with a slight comedic ~wink, wink~ post modernism twist. And Bond repeats many of the events that occurred in DR. NO; M has to track Bond down and tear him away from Sylvia, Bond arrives at the airport (this time in  Istanbul), but in the same series of shots, he is greeted by a chauffeur, he is watched by a man in a car, he is tailed by another mysterious man, he inspects his hotel room—and so on and so on. What makes this so great is that they allow you to become familiar with Bond’s mission to mission lifestyle. All the while, setting you up for the twist when all these familiarities are thrown out the window of a speeding train. It gives the viewer a taste of what it’s like to live a week in Bond’s shoes. The same-ol’-same-ol’ of day to day life as a spy is all a charade. It takes nerves of steel and balls of brass to do what Bond does so well. Thankfully the talented folks behind these adventures knew precisely how to deliver. FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE is a fantastic Bond film and re-defined the action genre from the previous re-definition that DR. NO gave it. It is a rare occurrence that a sequel will outshine it’s predecessor, but this movie should be listed as the definition of the circumstance.

The 007 Seven

[  ] Destroys Evil Doers Layer
[  ] Drinks or Orders a Vesper Martini
[x] Gets Captured and/or Tortured
[  ] Introduces Himself As “Bond—James, Bond”
[  ] Teams-Up With Felix
[x] Uses Judo or a Walther PPK to Dispose of an Enemy
[  ] Wears a Tux*

*Though Sean Connery does, it is revealed that the character was not Bond, but a man wearing a Bond-Mask. So, no dice.

Tatiana: “There are some English customs that are going to be changed.”

RANTBO will return in (a review of) GOLDFINGER

Filed under: Recent Reviews

Dr. No (1962): Bond Breakdown by Rantbo: Rating 7 outta 10

The Classified Intel:

Bond is playing the role of the clean-up hitter by cruising down to Jamaica with orders from M to investigate the death of fellow agent John Strangways and his secretary. With a secondary objective to determine whether or not their disappearance is related to some disrupted missile launchings for the CIA. Bond’s keen detection skills lead him to a small island named Crab Key and it’s mysterious owner, Dr. Julius No.

The Bond Song and Credits Sequence:

Arguably, the most recognizable image from this or any film series, the gun barrel POV shot has defined Bond since the beginning. Added late in post, it was thrown in as an afterthought and the role of the Bond’s silhouette was played by Mr. Connery’s stunt double, Bob Simmons. True Fact. I love stunt-man appreciation. So, already this flick is off to a damn fine start. Now, in future installments, the POV shot is a lead-in to the opening action sequence, but that tradition didn’t get started until the next entry. So for now, we have to settle for the first ever BOND CREDIT SEQUENCE.

The entire sequence centers around some technicolor polka dots and conga dancers. The tune is catchy, but the visuals are like something out of a mid 40s Disney movie, like THE THREE CABALLEROS. However, the beginning does feature the now famous, James Bond Theme.  Originating from the song “Good Sign, Bad Sign” composed by Monty Norman, the track was re-arranged and orchestrated by the musical genius, John Barry. It is, in a word: Fantasmorgasmic. So, all-in-all, not bad for the baby-steps that would grow up and become a beautiful bouncing piece of Action Movie history.

Bond—James, Bond (Sean Connery)

Body Bags Filled [4 + A Spider] Bedpost Notches [3]
He’s tall, he’s dark, he’s handsome in a toupee, he’s smokin’ (literally) and most of all, he’s shexshy. He is James Bond, as played by Sir Thomas Sean Connery.  We are introduced to Bond’s roguish good looks after a series of camera shots that establish his location, but only tease at to what he looks like.  It isn’t until the TRUE first Bond Girl sets up his most famous line, that he is unveiled to the audience.

Que the theme. The cool thing about this scene is that it is intended as a comedic moment, and though it is that, it also came off as just plain badass. Most people, I think, miss the fact that he is just mimicking the way that Sylvia introduced herself, because Bond is a smartass and he knows the best way to bag a beautiful lady is to mock her and attack her ego.  All it takes is a hop, skip and a shit-eating grin later and he’s in like a dirty shirt. Bond is very cocksure, but it works because he is so charming. The audience must have thought this as well, because the filmmakers went on to have Bond deliver it in almost every subsequent film. Connery, combined with director Terrance Young’s influence, crafts the perfect gentleman spy.  Darkly witty yet brashly sophisticated, smooth yet ruthless, cheeky yet cold, Sean Connery was James Bond.

Back on the job, Bond’s first order of business is fraternizing with MI:6’s secretary and being chastised by his boss, M, for not sticking to the 007 code of arms. Establishing Bond, early-on, as the rebel agent. They don’t use him because they want to, they use him because he’s the best, despite his rebellious routines and egotistical domineer.

Regrettably outfitted with his industry standard Walther PPK and the lowdown on his latest assignment, Bond is off to kick some Caribbean ass—right after he ties up the loose ends of this night’s sexual endeavor, that is. Connery is a great Bond and is understandably the most popular choice when it comes down to picking favorites. I myself, love the old rascal and even in his lackluster (official) farewell performance, I find myself again and again thinking how he was the best part of bringing Bond to the big screen. There is nothing bad I can say about the man.

The Bond Villain(s):

Anthony Dawson as Professor R. J. Dent
The First “Number Two” type character. A local metallurgist, he is also a part-time unwilling assassin for Dr. No. Dent doesn’t have a large role in the film, but along with Miss. Taro, he serves as a great conduit for the evil schemes of the film’s main villain. He is a coward at heart and does a good job of showing us how far people will stoop in fear of a higher authority. Trying twice to eliminate Bond while he sleeps, the wormy little bastard fails time and again. But, rest assured, he gets what he deserves.

Zena Marshall as Miss Taro
She’s a naughty little minx and justifiably gets Bond’s comeuppance (double-entendre alert). A secretary at the Government House in Kingston, Taro allows us see just how high Dr. No’s influence can climb. Bond reads her like a Sunday paper though, and knows that she is nothing but trouble. But what better way to take care of business than to take care of business?  None I can think of, and neither can Bond. His intuitions correct, Bond evades death en route to Taro’s abode and in true Bondian fashion, plays it like he doesn’t have a clue or care in the world.

Zena plays Taro’s surprise at Bond’s arrival like a true pro and her subsequent scene of duty is one of my favorite moments in the film. Taro goes the whole nine in her job to keep James around for her back-up to arrive, by participating, in what today’s standards, could only be classified as date rape. But hey, you can’t blame Bond, she had on a tight towel! Though she looks a little off in her Asian makeup, Zena is a classic beauty and even manages to look sexy while spitting in Bond’s face when he sticks it to her—and by that I mean, has her arrested.

Joseph Wiseman as Dr. Julius No
The title character doesn’t show up until late in the third act, but thankfully Wiseman’s performance makes it worth the wait. He plays the villainous Dr. No, as a eerily calm and coldly calculating monster. Wiseman’s performance was more than enough to sell the diabolical nature of the mad atomic scientist. At one point he calls Bond “…just a stupid policeman”. Ouch. If anyone but this guy had delivered that line, I think  it would have come off as laughable, but Wiseman sells it and it connects like a metal-clawed bitch-slap. Which brings me to the franchise’s first ‘Bond Villain Quirk’.

Dr. No is outfitted with a pair of metal hands that would make George Lucas cream his skivvies.  The funny thing about his metallic mitts though, is that I find them completely unnecessary. Wiseman was diabolical and creepy enough just being there, but they didn’t take anything away from the performance. Wiseman even manages to look halfway serious in a ridiculous over-sized hazmat suit for the final fight scene with Bond. Even with his limited screen time, Dr. No set the proverbial bar for all the Bond Villains to follow and he set it pretty high.

The Bond Girl(s):

Eunice Gayson as Trench—Sylvia, Trench
Like I said above, Sylvia Trench IS the first Bond Girl, and I couldn’t be more pleased. Well—perhaps a little more, if the movie were NC-17. But Hell, for a PG rating this girl delivers the goods. Not only is she super cool for setting up Bond with his iconic introduction line, but she also has banging body, wits and a healthy outgoing athletic interest—and I’m not talking about her putts. Her appearance in Bond’s apartment is a classic moment in film and makes for a very sexy and funny scene. I really dig her character and I’m not alone, as she pulls off something no other female character has done in this series since, enticed James back for more.

Sylvia Trench will return in FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE

Ursula Andress as Honey Ryder
What can I say about Ursula Andress that hasn’t been said a million times before? How about that she is a highly overrated C-List Bond Girl that is given far too much credit and is always unfairly titled the first Bond Girl, whom set the bar for all the following?

Anyone still here? OK, allow me to explain. First, let me say what I like about her. 1. Yes, she is extremely good looking. 2. …, I—well, there you go. Honey shows up with about a half hour to go in the picture and aside from some eye candy and a couple of sexist jokes, she served no purpose. OK, sure, she is the reason that Dr. No’s henchmen are able to find his island’s intruders, but that could easily have been made any other number of other things.

I understand that she was the “first”, but it takes a lot more than sentimental tradition to make me jump on the fanboy bandwagon. And, by the way, I am in the WAY minority on this. Google search BOND GIRL LISTS and without exception (so far as I’ve found), she is always number one and the only reason anyone ever gives is posterity and a variation of “Boy, she sure looked hot coming out of the surf!”

01:19:48—You’re Welcome

I admit, I think Ursula does a fine job of standing around looking pretty, but did they have to make her character so stupid? She actually believes in a ridiculous legend about a killer dragon that hunts the island at night, looking for trespassers. Seriously. And Honey claims to have started reading the encyclopedia when she was 8, having started with ‘A’, and is now on ‘T’. I guess she must have just missed that part back in ‘D’ that explains Dragons are fictional creatures. As James from the novels would say, “Silly Bitch.” But aside from all my personal qualms, I don’t hate Honey, she’s an alright Bond girl, who serves her purpose and I am glad she’s in the film. I just don’t understand her foam-at-the-mouth fan base.

The Best Bond-Aid:

We’re not quite there yet. Bond is issued his iconic Walther PPK and he uses a geiger counter, but that’s nothing worth gabbing on about.

Bond’s Greatest Hits:

The Body Count [11 and 2 Potentials]
Bond takes out 4 directly, another 3 indirectly and 2 potentials. The 3 unintentional, though welcome deaths belong to a hearse full of Dr. No’s men, The Three “Blind” Mice, who accidentally swerve off a road after Bond evades them by driving under some heavy machinery. “I think they were on their way to a funeral.” The two potentials are men that Bond fights and knocks off of suspended walkways. Assuming that they were left unconscious, the must have died in the lair’s explosion. But there is no way to be sure.

The villains manage to take out an agent, his secretary and Bond’s poor island assistant, Quarrel. And the final death is suicide by cyanide. One of Dr. No’s henchmen takes that bite, out of fear for what would happen to him if No found out he had blabbed. Talk about respect through fear.

The Best Fight:

There are a couple fun ones in the picture, but my favorite is the first. After discovering that his driver is employed by the unknown enemy, Bond holds the henchman at gunpoint and the fool gets uppity. A couple judo flips and punches later, the poor bastard is more than ready to chomp his cyanide-laced cigarette.

The Most Satisfying Kill:

That honor goes to Professor Dent. After numerous attempts to kill Bond, Dent finally thinks he’s got the drop on old James, but he is sorely mistaken. Bond was waiting for the bastard and after obtaining the information he needs to solve the case, plugs Dent twice in cold blood.

His Word Is His Bond:

Best Witticism:
[Professor Dent grabs his empty (unbeknownst to him) gun and fires at Bond]
Bond: That’s a Smith & Wesson, and you’re had you six [Pip-Pip!]

Best Double Entendre:
Moneypenny: James! Where have you been? I’ve been searching all over London for you. [Picks up phone]
Moneypenny: 007 is here sir. [Slaps Bond's hand away from the papers on her desk]
Bond: Moneypenny! What gives?
Moneypenny: Me, given an ounce of encouragement. You’ve never taken me to dinner looking like this [referring to his tux]—you’ve never taken me to dinner…
Bond: I would, you know. Only “M” would have me court-martialed for—illegal use of government property.

The Mission Debrief:

When you put together Terrance Young’s direction, Ted Moore’s cinematography, Peter Hunt’s editing, Ken Adam’s production design, Monty Norman’s theme, Bob Simmons’s stunt work and Sean Connery’s performance as Bond, you get something special: The First Modern Action Film. With the fast paced fight sequences, theme music, chase sequences, explosions and witty one-liners, I can’t help but be in awe as I am able to watch my favorite genre be born in glorious high-definition.

However, the film is not perfect. It suffers from some second-act lag, some unintentionally funny moments and some dated customs and effects. But the sum of it’s parts, both good and bad, created Bad-Ass Cinema and gave birth to the gritty anti-heroes of the 70s, which in turn birthed the larger than life machismo heroes of the 80s. They would not exist without this film and for that alone, I have undying respect.

So, all-in-all, it’s a pretty solid picture and a great way to kick off one of the longest-lasting and most successful action franchises in history. And in closing, may the Gods of Action watch over our dearly departed brothers, Cubby Broccoli, Harry Saltzman and Terrance Young. You gave me so much and all I can give in return is my Action fanboy love. Thank you, gentlemen.

The 007 Seven

[x] Destroys Evil Doer’s Lair
[x] Drinks or Orders a Vesper Martini
[x] Gets Captured and/or Tortured
[x] Introduces Himself As “Bond—James, Bond”
[x] Teams-Up With Felix Leiter
[x] Uses Judo or a Walther PPK to Dispose of an Enemy
[x] Wears a Tux

Honey: “What are YOU doing here?—Looking for shells?”
Bond: “No—I’m just looking!”

RANTBO will return in (a breakdown of) FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE

Filed under: Recent Reviews

[The Chalk-Outline]

12 Rounds (2009): Breakdown by Kain424

A mish-mash of the plots of Ricochet, Die Hard With A Vengeance and Speed, minus anything that made those films cool.

[The Execution]

How can the guy who gave us such awesome action classics as Die Hard 2 and Cliffhanger possibly fuck up such an easy premise?  I can’t be sure, but it might have something to do with horrible cinematography and the PG-13 rating.

I’m fairly certain that 12 Rounds was aiming for the PG-13 rating to begin with, as all of the cussing is offscreen (so it can be edited out more easily later and put back in for an EXTREME unrated dvd later) and the violence filmed so poorly that one cannot discern the choreography at all.  The latter makes it so terrible that one has to take their eyes from the screen just to rest a while before returning to the movie.  This should NEVER happen in ANY movie.  I mean, just watch this clip:

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12 Rounds rights held by Fox Atomic

I have not edited that in any way, the movie is actually filmed like that.  It goes on like that for the ENTIRE duration!  Unfortunately, this filming “technique” heavily detracts from an already sub-par piece of work from a once-dependable Action director.  Combine this with the cinematographer’s need to aim the camera directly into beams of light, and you’ve got a film that seems bent on becoming unwatchable.

The film deprives us of crowd-pleasing moments and even emasculates the hero by giving the final line and hit to his girl.  It’s truly sad, seeing as the plot absolutely lends itself to many possible great moments.  For a film featuring a pro-wrestler, it’s depressing that there isn’t a single great fight sequence.

It’s not all bad news though, as star John Cena shows remarkable improvement in his range as an actor here since The Marine.  Cena exudes a kind of angry badassitude that so rarely permeates in Action films today.  He has great promise, but if he continues to get involved in crap like this, it’ll be pro-wrestling forever or DTV land, and not in the top tier either.  Say hello to your next co-star, Mr. Lamas.

[How Bad-Ass is The Main Character?]

John Cena is Detective Danny Fisher.

No one takes this guy seriously.  Even though he looks like a huge, muscled out Marky Mark, Fisher takes shit from his wife, his partner, the bad guys, and the FBI.  Any threats he makes are ignored, and it turns out that this is all completely justified when the 5′8″ 120 lb. villain manages to beat the hell out of him in a helicopter.  Danny Fisher is a wuss.

[The Body Count: 12]

In the unrated version, a few of the deaths are given a bit more blood, but overall it’s pretty limp.  Cena isn’t really responsible for any of the deaths shown in the film, while the main baddie is responsible for all of them.  Most are offscreen, but corpses are shown later, so at least we have confirmation.

[Most Satisfying Death]

Fisher’s partner, Carver, gets taken out like Jeff Daniels in Speed, but not before uttering the word “bitch”.  This guy was pretty annoying for the first quarter of the film, so his was a welcome demise.

[DudeSweat and Machismo]

Though Fisher and Carver nag at one another a bit, they don’t seem to have that classic gay couple squabbleness like one would find in the usual buddy-cop film.  Nothing there, really.

We do get to see Cena play dress-up over the course of the film, first as a cop, then a firefighter, and also in casual wear.  He refuses to go shirtless though, perhaps to further make him seem like more of a wuss.

[Exploitation and Misogyny]

The women in this film are all gorgeous and useless.  Sure, they all seem to be adept drivers or pilots, but are also shown to be defenseless, emotional blackmailers.

[Epic Moment and Best One-Liner]

I am really struggling to come up with an epic moment here, or at least one that I liked.  I suppose when Cena pulls a Live Free Or Die Hard and sends an unmanned police car into some transformers to knock out the power was pretty cool.

As for the best one-liner, I liked it when the bad guy is sitting across from our hero on a bus, and Cena delivers, with perfect angry intensity this:

“What’s keepin’ me… from reaching over there and kickin’ the SHIT outta you!?”

Cena completely pulls off the scene, but doesn’t deliver on the line’s promise.  For shame.

[The Moral Of The Story]

It’s always actually about money.  So it’s ironic that this film didn’t make any.

[The Checklist: 10 outta 25]

[  ] Al Leong or Sven-Ole Thorsen Appearance
[x] An Athlete Turned “Actor”
[  ] Battle/Fight In A Warehouse
[  ] Christmas Time
[x] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[x] Dick Kicking/Punching
[x] Ending Featuring A Blanket or Sitting On The Back Of An Ambulance
[x] Fight Featuring Improvised Weapons
[x] Giant Explosion(s)
[  ] Heavy Drinking/Smoking/Drug Use
[x] Helicopter(s)
[  ] Inspirational Frank Stallone/Stan Bush-esque Song
[  ] Macho Hand-Grasp
[  ] Montage (Forming A Plan, Lock-&-Load or Training)
[  ] Motorcycle Stunt(s)
[  ] Produced by Cannon, Carolco or Joel Silver
[  ] Rocket or Grenade Launcher
[  ] Self-Gratifying Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character Is
[x] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[  ] Slo-Motion Finishing Move
[x] Stupid Liberal Chief or Superior Officer
[x] Sunglasses (main characters only)
[  ] Torture Sequence
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel (doesn’t automatically mean it’s BAD, just unnecessary)
[  ] Vigilante Justice

Another Film “Improved” By Shaky-Cam

Filed under: Recent Reviews

[The Chalk-Outline]

Street Fighter (1994): Breakdown by Rantbo

An eccentric douche, in a red leather jumpsuit and cape, tries to take over the world. Is foiled by a French guy disguised as an American guy and a rag-tag team of goofy looking gay buttholes. Of course!

[The Execution]

I don’t understand why so many people hate this movie. I’ll agree, it’s pretty bad, but not nearly enough to warrant the amount of negative bile spewed when it’s brought up in conversation. It’s a movie, based on a game, that so far as I can tell, has no storyline outside of FIGHT! And in my opinion, this movie is on-par stupid with the game. Street Fighter 2 has a ludicrous premise, silly-ass characters, a shitty (non-existent) story and over-the-top nonsensical fighting–just like the movie! So what’s there to complain about? And personally, I’d much rather watch the movie than play the game, because in the movie you get to watch Van Damme tussle with Gomez Adams.

As far as shitty videogame adaptations go, this one is one of the least shittiest. While it’s not quite as not-shitty as DOA, SILENT HILL or LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER, it’s still less-shitty than MORTAL KOMBAT 2, all 3 RESIDENT EVIL’s, DOUBLE DRAGON,  SUPER MARIO BROS., WING COMMANDER, LARA CROFT TOMB RAIDER 2 (also written by de Souza), MAX PAYNE, HITMAN and everything Uwe Boll’s done. And I’d say it’s on the shittiness par with the original MORTAL KOMBAT and DOOM. But I rarely hear people making fun of those movies (Uwe Boll withstanding).

STREET FIGHTER is an action comedy targeted at teenagers and kids from the early 90s that frequented arcades and were fans of Van Dammage. If you don’t fit into that crowd, you probably won’t get too much enjoyment out of this one. I, however, find it thoroughly entertaining.  There’s a couple fun action scenes, a few funny jokes, a bunch of laughably bad ones: Raúl Juliá flying around in a leather-daddy cape with Mario’s power boots, the incredible Hulk’s little brother and pop-sensation Kylie Minogue blowing shit up with a rocket-launcher. How can you not get some enjoyment out of that?

[How Bad-Ass is The Main Character?]

Jean-Claude Van Damme is Colonel William F. Guile, The Repo Man

“He was a brave man, a true warrior.”

-Single-handedly drives an army tank, with twin warheads attached, into a warehouse and through shear badass intimidation alone, convinces a couple hundred people to turn themselves in for arrest without conflict.
-When outnumbered 20 to 1, against a squad of machine-gun wielding automatons, not only does Van Damme not give up, he pulls out a knife.
-Sports an Old Glory tattoo on his bicep
-Able to pole vault without a pole and could easily win gold in the Olympic long jump event, as he is able to pull off a 20 yard long, 15 foot vertical, jump kick.

JCVD: [Solemn] Troopers, I just received new orders. Our superiors say the war is canceled. We can all go home. (Raúl Juliá) is getting paid off for his crimes, and our friends who ave died here will have died for nothing. But, we can all go home. Meanwhile, ideals like peace, freedom, and justice, they get packed up. But, we can all go home. [Angry] Well, I’m not going home. I’m gonna get on my boat, and I’m going upriver, and I’m going to kick that son of a bitch Bison’s ass so HARD that the next Bison wannabe is gonna feel it! Now, who wants to go home–and who wants to go with ME!? [Troopers Cheer]

[The Body Count: A Very Surprising 32]

32 deaths in a PG-13 Street Fighter movie!? Oh, wait–this was directed by the writer of COMMANDO, DIE HARD and 48HRS. The world makes sense again. Van Damme caps an impressive (again, for the movie) 11 kills and even more impressive is his sidekick Kylie with 4. Pretty good for a skinny little midget. And backing them up was Team U.S.A. with 15 commie(?) corpses. The remaining 2 stiffs belong to Raúl Juliá, which I’ll discuss in the next section.

[Most Satisfying Death]

It’s a two-fer one this time. Shortly after the opening credits, Raúl Juliá proves his badassitude by allowing a couple of his captured American soldiers to try and kick his ass.

“You came from across the world to fight me, soldier. Now’s your chance. [Swing--miss--neck-snapped] Pathetic.” [Next in line steps up] “Yes! Your turn now! [Lunge--miss--neck-snapped]”

[DudeSweat and Machismo]

Almost all the male characters are paired off in this film.

Ryu and Ken: clearly together, these two bicker like an old pre-prop 8 couple.

Balrog and E. Honda: there is a scene in which this pair are trapped in a torture chamber and the following conversation takes place…

Balrog (who’s chained to a wall): “Honda, gimme your hand!”
Honda (who’s tied to a torture rack): “We’ve only been in jail two hours. Maybe next month.”
Balrog: “Gimme your hand, fool!”

Dhalsim and Blanka: Since Van Damme is too shallow to accept Blanka’s new look (until later, after realizing he still loves him) Dhalsim steps up to un-break Blanka’s heart.

Sagat and Vega: Just look at these two and try dispute me?

Dee Jay and Zangief: A clear cut case of Cub and Bear.

I believe the pairing up of the male characters, was to suggest to the audience that the matched up men are sexual partners, as there is too little time to delve into their relationships with such a large ensemble cast.

And then there is Van Damme.

“He doesn’t like women does he?”

Van Damme wages a war, for the sole reason (at least for himself) of getting revenge on Raúl Juliá for kidnapping his buttbuddy, Chuck Blanka. I think it’s clear that Raúl never watched KICKBOXER, as he would have learned: You just don’t fuck with Van Damme’s lovers.

JCVD: “Dis is deh collection agency (Raúl Juliá), your ass is 6 months overdue–and it’s mine!”

Van Damme eventually does end up coming to the rescue of his lost love, but after seeing how warped Raúl Juliá’s chemicals have made Chuck look, he feels he has no other choice but to kill him and end his misery as he is no longer as sexually appealing as Van Damme. It’s here that Dhalsim takes a stand for fugly men everywhere and jumps on the grenade that is Blanka’s disfigured body. I guess Van Damme will just have to choose a new partner from the line-up of good looking single men at the end of the film. As if he wouldn’t have anyways.

[Exploitation and Misogyny]

[Epic Moment and Best One-Liner]

A military staff meeting, on how best to locate and disarm Raúl Juliá, is interrupted with an assassination attempt by a waiter. Brandishing a knife, the killer runs across the table to strike at Van Damme, but has his feet kicked out from underneath him and before he can even try standing back up, is struck in the throat with a judo-chop and thrown to the floor like a discarded candy wrapper.

JCVD: “Any other, new business?”

And though that above line is pretty funny, I still like the following more.
[Upon finding out the Van Damme has “died”]
Dee Jay: “Dat’s great news General, congratulations!”
Raúl Juliá: “On the contrary, I mourn.”
Dee Jay: “OhK.”
Raúl Juliá: “I was hoping to face (Van Damme), personally on the battlefield. One gentleman warrior, to another. In respectful combat–Then I would snap his spine. Argh, the road not taken…”

[The Moral Of The Story]

I miss Raúl Juliá. Vaya Con Dios.

[The Van Dammage: 3 outta 5]

[  ] An Entire Fight, Sans Shirt
[x] Close-Up Screaming
[  ] Dancing
[x] Jump-Kicking A Guy, Through Something
[x] Special Move Involving Either The Splits or A Spinning Round-House Kick

[The Checklist: 16 outta 25]

[  ] Al Leong or Sven-Ole Thorsen Appearance
[x] An Athlete Turned “Actor”
[x] Battle/Fight In A Warehouse
[  ] Christmas Time
[x] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[  ] Dick Kicking/Punching
[  ] Ending Featuring A Blanket or Sitting On The Back Of An Ambulance
[x] Fight Featuring Improvised Weapons
[x] Giant Explosion(s)
[x] Heavy Drinking/Smoking/Drug Use
[x] Helicopter(s)
[x] Inspirational Frank Stallone/Stan Bush-esque Song
[x] Macho Hand-Grasp
[  ] Montage (Forming A Plan, Lock-&-Load or Training)
[  ] Motorcycle Stunt(s)
[  ] Produced by Cannon, Carolco or Joel Silver
[x] Rocket or Grenade Launcher
[x] Self-Gratifying Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character Is
[x] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[  ] Slo-Motion Finishing Move
[x] Stupid Liberal Chief or Superior Officer
[  ] Sunglasses (main characters only)
[x] Torture Sequence
[x] Unnecessary Sequel (doesn’t automatically mean it’s BAD, just unnecessary)*
[x] Vigilante Justice

*Kind of…

Chun Li: My father saved his village at the cost of his own life. You had him shot as you ran away. A hero at a thousand paces!
Raúl Juliá: I’m sorry–I don’t remember any of it.
Chun Li: You don’t remember?
Raúl Juliá: For you, the day [Raúl Juliá] graced your village was the most important day of your life. But for me–it was Tuesday.

Filed under: Recent Reviews

[The Chalk-Outline]

Point Break (1991): Breakdown by Rantbo

Undercover cop falls for dreamy bank robbing surfer dude. Is torn between his duty to bust him and his urge to bust a nut inside him.

[The Execution]

In keeping with late 80s style, POINT BREAK is a trip down macho lane. The film centers on an adrenaline-fueled narrative of cops v. robbers. Think HEAT, but really, really, queer and with extreme sports instead of all the family bullshit. The good news is, this film takes itself seriously and all the humor comes from the bonds of male camaraderie and its unintentional gay undertones. So, it’s no Michael Bay fart-joke craptasterpiece.

The film is clearly inspired by gritty 70s style cop movies like DIRTY HARRY, even lifting several scenes like the tossing of the badge and visiting a food stand just outside a bank robbery. But, the film hippifies the tired old scenario by having a young handsome cast of Jimmy Buffett enthusiasts, as opposed to a bunch of hard boiled bitter old men.

I don’t want to be one of those guys that rips on Keanu, by saying “WHoa!!!” and other uninspired shit like that, but I can understand why people do it. He’s just not that good of an actor. However–I find him very likable. Even though Sway-Dog does a great job as the retro-hippie surfer, I think his and Reeve’s roles should have been cast-reversed. ‘Cuz if you’re going to put Keanu in your film, at least play to his strengths; talking like a Southern California stoner, smiling with his thumbs up and looking dumbfounded with long wet hair. Keanu’s a “Bodhi” if I ever saw one. As it stands, he does an OK job, but it’s no JOHNNY MNEMONIC or THE MATRIX. But really, what is!?

All-in-all, the movie is over-the-top and mind numbingly stupid. But, it’s a bunch of fun because of it. While a movie like HEAT is a far better film, if given the choice–I’ll almost always go with watching some goofy shit like POINT BREAK instead. At least with PB, I can get a bunch of good belly-laughs and after the credits role, I’ll have much more time left of daylight to go jerk-off outside. 

[How Bad-Ass is The Main Character?]

Keanu Reeves is Special Agent Quarterback Punk Johnny Utah

“You’re a real blue-flame special, aren’t ya son? Young, dumb and fulla cum.”

“God Damn! You are one radical sonovabitch!”

One thing is for sure, Johnny’s gonna get his man. The guy has determination and is only slightly afraid to draw down on criminal scum. Johnny’s no Jack Traven, but he sure can pursue a suspect on foot. And barely hesitates before jumping out of an in-flight airplane without a chute. Jack Traven only jumped out of a bus. I’d say these guys are even, but Neo could kick both their asses, ‘cuz he learned how to fly.

Johnny on Johnny:
“My whole lihife I’ve done things for other people–in high school I played footBALL, because my old man expected me to. Then my parents always figured I’d go to lahw school. So I did. Football scholarship. Phi Beta Kappa. So, I’m a big hero to my folks, right? But two years ago, they were killed in a car wreck. You can’t imagine it. Your whole life changes. And I suddenly realized that all my goals had been their goals, and I hadn’t been living my own lihife. So I wanted something for myself. So I come out here from Oh-HI-Oh a month ago. HI’ve never seen the ocean before. Any ocean. Hi never thought it would affect me so much. I’m drawn to it–or something.”

[The Body Count: 8 and another 1 unconfirmed]

Johnny tags a meth-head halfway through the film, but then he gets stage-fright and is unable to unload for the rest of the picture. Thankfully, Busey is secure with himself and blasts 3 surf-rats. You can always count on Mr. Teeth. Da bad guys rack up 3, which isn’t too impressive, but two of them where cops and the third a rent-a-cop, so that has to count for something. One of the cops that dies, assassinates a president and the final, unconfirmed death belongs to Bodhi. As far as the film is concerned, he’s D.O.A. once the tide come in, but there is a small chance he was able to escape the wave and paddle his way to New Zealand.

[Most Satisfying Death]

The honors go to Mr. Gary Busey. On a raid of a drug dealers flophouse, one of the meth-heads grabs a resident skank and tries to get by Busey. Not happening. BOOM!–HEADSHOT!

[DudeSweat and Machismo]

This is one of those movies that needs a list:

Tyler: “You got the kamikaze [kamikaze = man who goes down in flames] look, Johnny. Bodhi can smell it a mile away. He’ll take you to the edge–and past it.”
Bodhi: “Johnny has his own demons. Don’t you Johnny.”
Johnny: “What’s going on?”
Bodhi: “Time for a little stealth mission–you up for it? Let’s do it.”

Johnny: “So, I started trailing him… I’m on him ALL day. He goes here, he goes there, he goes to tower records…” I’ll bet he does, Johnny.

Bodhi: “I know Johnny. I know you want me so bad it’s like acid in your mouth.”

-The movie opens with a rain drenched tight-shirt Keanu one-arm cocking a shotgun in slow-mo, which he uses to overkill a card-board cut-out of a woman. Take that society’s norms!
-Bodhi looks like Lion-O from the ThunderCats, only he’s slightly better at concealing his homoerotic glory. Slightly.

-Bodhi. “They call him the Bodhisattva.”  [‘cuz Bodhi wasn’t gay enough?] “He’s a modern savage. He’s a real searcher [for what?] The ride. The ultimate ride.”
-Johnny and the Ex-Presidents bond over a mostly shirtless beach football game. Tackling allowed. Whoo Ga.
-Johnny and Bodhi bond further by getting in a wet shirtless fisticuff fight with a group of beach-bum meth- heads consisting of a guy named Bunker, a guy named Warchild and Anthony Kiedis from the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

-Johnny attends a party of Bodhi’s that’s packed to the walls with shirtless clones of the band members from Warrant.
-Johnny does sleep with Tyler, But Lori Petty has a boy’s name, a boy’s haircut, a boy’s build and they do it after Johnny experiences an intense evening of night surfing with Bodhi. Leaving me to believe that he was picturing Swayze’s face on the back of her head the whole time.
-Johnny gets his ass kicked, hard, by a naked chick. I think it’s because he was too grossed out to fight back.
-This is a BIG one. Utah actually breaks the case by recognizing one the culprits bare-asses. Just watch:

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POINT BREAK rights held by 20th Century Fox

Notice how excited Bodhi gets after seeing his “friend’s” ass and taint? And not to mention that immediately after seeing the man-ass, Johnny has lost all interest in his “girlfriend”. This movie is like a gay training video. They should hand out copies at the California state lines.

[Exploitation and Misogyny]

Lori Petty is kidnapped and tied to a chair in only her nighty. But since I have already established her as a young man, this point is moot.

Tell me that’s not a teenage boy.

There are, however, a few exploitative bits in the raid at the drug-dealer flophouse. One girl is used as a shield, as I mentioned above, and another one stands screaming in the buff as the bullets whiz by her.

She does get back some pride though, by jumping Utah and throttling his mindless ass and then stabbing another one of the feds, before she is knocked out and subdued.

[Epic Moment and Best One-Liner]

Faced with the choice between shooting down his secret love, or letting him escape, Johnny chooses the former and in a fit of rage over his job-inhibiting sexual urges, fires off an entire clip of his pistol into the air.

President Reagan: “Rock and Roll!”

[The Moral Of The Story]

-Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true.
-If you want the ultimate, you’ve got to be willing to pay the ultimate price.
-Lawyers don’t surf.
-And Gary Busey could eat the ass end out of a dead rhino.

[The Checklist: 14 outta 25]

[  ] Al Leong or Sven-Ole Thorsen Appearance
[  ] An Athlete Turned “Actor”
[  ] Battle/Fight In A Warehouse
[  ] Christmas Time
[x] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[x] Dick Kicking/Punching
[x] Ending Featuring A Blanket or Sitting On The Back Of An Ambulance
[x] Fight Featuring Improvised Weapons
[x] Giant Explosion(s)
[x] Heavy Drinking/Smoking/Drug Use
[x] Helicopter(s)
[  ] Inspirational Frank Stallone/Stan Bush-esque Song
[x] Macho Hand-Grasp
[x] Montage (Forming A Plan, Lock-&-Load or Training)
[  ] Motorcycle Stunt(s)
[  ] Produced by Cannon, Carolco or Joel Silver
[  ] Rocket or Grenade Launcher
[x] Self-Gratifying Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character Is
[x] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[x] Slo-Motion Finishing Move*
[x] Stupid Liberal Chief or Superior Officer
[  ] Sunglasses (main characters only)
[  ] Torture Sequence
[  ] Unnecessary Sequel (doesn’t automatically mean it’s BAD, just unnecessary)
[x] Vigilante Justice**

*If Bodhi did in fact die, the big wave that crushed him was shown in slo-mo.
**As Utah is under arrest, for suspicion of aiding in the murder of an officer and robbing a bank, he clearly does not have the law on his side when he goes after the elusive Bodhi toward the end of the film. So, I’m counting this.

I live my life a quarter-tube at a time…

Filed under: Recent Reviews