RANTBO’S BOND-A-THON: YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967)

Posted on December 29th, 2008 by Rant

ATTENTION: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS SPOILERS

YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE

.:BOND #05 (1967):.

CLASSIFIED INTEL: THE PLOT
Investigating the disappearance of two hijacked spacecrafts (one American, one Soviet), Bond is given his biggest mission yet, preventing World War III! Not much more to say, this isn’t exactly a thinking-mans Bond adventure.

THE THEME AND CREDITS
The film opens in space, the final Bond-tier, and we watch as America’s space station is abducted by a giant space-dildo of death! Cut to: Representatives from U.S.A. and the U.S.S.R. meeting at the Epcot Center in Disney World to play a rousting few rounds of the Blame Game. While the State Reps and the Soviet Reps spent the trip to Florida exercising their pointer fingers, MI6 was busy collecting intelligence, (a coarse of action that escaped those quarrelsome yanks and reds). So, amidst the fighting, the United Kingdom reps share a possible lead that the abducting spacecraft has landed in Japan and is being controlled by an unknown, third-party foreign government. Also, those ever efficient Brits have also already dispatched their top man to the orient: Nigel Rufflebottom III. NO! Bond—of coarse.

With the Cold War in danger of thawing, MI6 has dispatched James to—Hong Kong? Odd, as their intel pointed to Japan, but this quandary is soon forgotten as James is betrayed by his bedfellow. Her name is Ling, and she—is—a—BITCH! Hopping out of bed moments before Bond can seal the deal, she presses a button retracting the wallbed with James on it! If that’s not rude enough, this cooze lets in two extras from a John Woo picture to riddle the bed with bullets. The pre-credits sequence ends as a team of agents find Bond’s bloody body stuck within the bedchamber and pronounce him dead. Fuck.

If that doesn’t suck enough, we get the credits. Maurice Binder returns for his third time as the title designer and in my opinion, it’s his 2nd weakest entry. Stock footage of liquid-hot-magma flows behind several good looking Asian models, to arguably the most lack-luster Bond song in the series. The melody of the song is fine and works well throughout the movie, but using it for the title song, BULLSHIT! The song is too easy-going and lovey-dovey for such an action-centric Bond entry. This film deserved something much more up-tempo and George Thorogoodie, (yes I know he was like 15 and did not have a recording contract, but I think you know what I mean). There isn’t much more to say about the credits for this one, they are pretty forgettable and not worth really going on about. Oh, it does have a very nice dissolve. There—something positive.

BOND, JAMES BOND: SEAN CONNERY
BODY BAGS FILLED [20] BOND BABES FULFILLED [2 for certain 1 implied 1 failed]

So, Bond is dead. Great way to start up a Bond film, huh? Well, actually it is! Of course, James Bond didn’t REALLY die, it was a clever(?) ruse to fool—I’m not sure who, but someone to be sure. Shortly after the credits end, we join a gaggle of seamen carrying out Commander James Bond’s burial at sea. An elaborate plan unfurls before us as James’s body, wrapped in proper mummy attire, is picked up by divers and delivered to a British submarine that is doubling as MI6’s base of operations. So in a sense, James gets a “second” life—Hey! He ONLY LIVES TWICE! See, THIS title makes sense, what the fuck was Fleming smoking when he thought up THUNDERBALL? Anyway, Bond is soon on his way to fabulous Tokyo, Japan to meet with his liaisons and bust open the case of the missing space stations. And then perhaps go eat some raw fish off some naked chicks—HooAh!

It becomes clear that Connery isn’t playing Bond with the previous two films zest of playful energy. A lot of people attribute this to his gradual distaste with stardom, which, while a factor (more on that in a bit), I don’t think it was the main issue.

With THUNDERBALL breaking records like crazy and Bond-Mania at a high, the next installment was tailored to be more grandiose than ever, meaning an action and gadget extravaganza, and this left less and less for the intimate story arcs to really shine. YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE is not a character piece—at all. And it is where the film suffers. I think Connery took this pretty hard. The film is still a blast, but I would have had just as much fun watching Bond solve a mystery about missing stop signs in his home town. I really don’t care what he does, as long as it is well written and Sean is allowed to run with it. His character is that endearing to me. Connery’s still good, but he doesn’t get to be great. There’s just too much God Damn Action. Which, is still awesome—I’m so conflicted.

The Fan Factor: Connery, now an international superstar, becomes frustrated and annoyed at his notoriety. The camera flash that broke the camel’s back came when Connery was photographed through a window of a public bathroom. He reportedly, and understandably, lost his shit. Part way through the shoot in Japan, Connery made it known to the press that this would be his last turn as Bond. But NEVER SAY NEVER! Anyways, this is very sad, especially considering the circumstances. Sean had an amazing run, overall with 5 great straight, I’d say that he had the best of them all. Connery of course comes back, but it is never the same. And I did say NEVER, fucking deal with it. As a Bond fan you have to. It’s the cold hard reality that Connery was so good at making us forget. His portrayal of James Bond is an escapist fans dream. The Golden Age of Bond is officially closed. Thankfully, the Misogyny and Post-Mortem One-Lines Trudge on..

THE BOND VILLAIN(S):

Teru Shimada as Mr. Osato

Much like the Bond Girls in this film, Osato is just kinda—there. He serves his purpose, running Osato Chemicals and Engineering and being a generally creepy corporate skeeze-bag. Osato sees right through Bond, (his x-ray desk helps) and carries out numerous plans to have him assassinated. Too bad for him he sucks at it. Blofeld butchers his ass for a job not done. The way that Teru Shimada acts while in the presence of Number 1 is classic. Alone he is confident and commands the room, but deep down he is just a big coward with a mundane mustache.

Karin Dor as Helga Brandt aka Number 11

By far the goofiest and most unnecessary addition to the original story. Harsh? Maybe. Correct? I like to think so. This broad didn’t make the SPECTRE Top Ten for a reason. She first appears as Osato’s assistant, but she is really his assassin. With her red hair, icy demeanor and accentuated rack, she is a straight up Fiona-Wanna-Be. A bad choice I think, as that character was done perfect in the last film, but it gets worse. After a thrilling fight and chase sequence at some docks, Bond is beaten and delivered to this minx for a little informational torture time. Helga threatens James with facial mutilation, but awkwardly she allows herself to be seduced by him. As it turns out, she was faking, (just like Fiona—creative…) and for nothing more than to lead-in to an unbelievably stupid and unnecessarily elaborate death trap. Fio—Helga proceeds to trick Bond into getting on an airplane., which—she jumps out of, leaving him trapped mid-air, sans pilot. Why not just torture him, get his info and finish him off back on the ground? I don’t know. I guess it wasn’t BIG enough. At any rate, Bond lives, Brandt doesn’t get anything out of him and she dies for her failures via flesh-eating fish. Good—Fuck her, I hate cloned characters.

Ronald Rich as Hans

A perfect name for a Blonde Haired Ape Man. The trend of this Henchman is continued from Red in FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE and makes many further appearances in future installments. He doesn’t say much, but that’s what he’s paid for. Hans could have been the one to finally bring down Bond, unfortunately for him, Bond was trained for a day or two to be a ninja. James outmaneuvers the big lug and judo flips him into a piranha pool. Too bad, he could have made it big in the Wrestling world. But, it serves him right, going after Bond, the big dumb German fuck. Not that there is anything wrong with being German, it just sounded funny to me.

Donald Pleasence as Ernst Stavro Blofeld aka Number 1

Everyone’s favorite Blofeld—is not mine. But he’s pretty good. Donald Pleasence plays the first full performance of the man behind the curtain. Head of SPECTRE, he is carrying out his most diabolical scheme yet. A face only a highly paid Mother could love, Blofeld is a sight to behold—from a safe distance. Even though he spends 90% of the film sitting back, face hidden, fingering his cat, he is easily the most memorable of all the actors to play the role. YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE is unique in that it is the first Bond film where the main villain gets away in the end. And aside from having his operation spoiled by 007, it’s punishment free.

Pleasence’s portrayal is spot on. His eerily calm monologues echo the previous portrayals of the character, while his gestures and facial mannerisms make the role his own. The payoff of seeing Blofeld for the first time in full didn‘t disappoint. It lead to one of the most copied criminal archetypes, be it Dr. Evil or Dr. Claw, this performance became iconic and rightfully so, it makes the absolute most of a very small role.

THE BOND GIRLS:

Akiko Wakabayashi as Aki

What can I say about Aki that hasn’t already been said about actor Dudley Moore? She’s short, she’s cute and nobody remembers her. She is probably the most forgettable main Bond Girl in the series. And it’s not her fault. In order to shoot at the places and in the volume that the filmmakers wanted in Japan, the officials there requested (demanded) that the lead girls be played by local actresses. A fine idea, but none of the girls that auditioned spoke English.

Despite the set-back of language barriers, two girls were chosen and to her credit Akiko learned a good deal of English in a short period of time, but unfortunately she was still given very little to say. It doesn’t really hurt her performance, but she comes off as really one-dimensional. Odd for a Bond Girl, I know. But I still liked her. With her killer smile and gosh-golly adorable accent, it would be hard not to. Plus, Aki drives one hell of a Toyota 2000GT convertible. And looks good doing it. Unfortunately, due to the limited dialogue and the shadowy mystique of her organization, you never get to find out much about her. Had the film centered a little more on character development and a little less on BANG! BANG! BANG!, her role could have been a little more memorable. And the fact that they kill her off just compounds this. In my opinion, the least they could have done for her character is let her ride the film out. It’s too bad.

Mie Hama as Kissy Suzuki

Originally cast as the role of Aki, she was unable to get her English lines down in time and director Lewis Gilbert arranged to have her taken out to dinner and apologetically let go. Thing is she threatened to literally kill herself from the shame. Emotional blackmail at its finest, ladies and gentlemen. So, something was worked out. Akiko was given the lead Bond Girl role and they kept Mie to take over the role of Kissy. All this really means to the audience is an obvious dub, but since every Bond film up to this point had at least one of these, it makes no difference to me. It’s Bond for Cripes-sakes, you have to suspend disbelief.

The issue I have with her isn’t in her performance, I thought she was fine and dandy, it’s is all in the written character. Coming in to replace the female lead position after two-thirds of the film was over, left little to no time to get to know her and subsequently give a shit about what she is doing or why. Kissy’s role in the story has to do with a fake marriage to Bond-san, (something I’ll rant about later), but what she ends up being is replacement T&A left blank by Aki’s demise. By the time she arrives, the action is in such full swing that the viewer isn’t given any time to appreciate her. Kissy ends up just becoming part of the scenery and it seems like such a waste of time, energy and emotional drama. Not to mention that when Bond finally convinces her to consummate the marriage, MI6’s sub rises below their escape raft and sucessfully cock-blocks Bond from another lay. Bogus!

THE BOND-AIDS [GADGETS & CARS]

As Action takes center stage, so does one of my favorite gadget/vehicles.

Wallis WA-116 Series 1 Gyroplane [CODENAME: Little Nellie]

This real life aerial wonder receives a Q-Lab makeover and gets outfitted with more artillery than John Milius’s secret stash.

- Two Machine Guns, Fixed and Synchronized to 100 yards
- Two Rocket Launchers, Forward Firing on Either Side
- Two Heat Seeking Air-To-Air Missiles
- Two Flame Guns, Range of 80 yards
- Two Rear-Mounted Smoke Ejectors
- A Shitload of Aerial Mines

And a partridge in a flaming helicopter! This machine is a marvel and lends itself to one hellova aerial chase sequence. Bond makes good use of Q’s modifications as he battles his pursuers hundreds of feet above Japan’s native volcanoes. It’s a thrilling sequence and watching ALL of the gadgets get unloaded on four enemy helicopters is a—dare I say—Blast. Bond also receives a nifty case of Cigarette Rockets, courtesy of Tiger’s Modern Ninja Technicians. Yup, exploding ninja death-sticks. Surgeon General’s Warning: may cause copious amounts of blood and tissue damage, large gaping craters of flesh and low birth weight.

FRIENDS AND ALLIES

Tsai Chin as Ling

OK, so I take back calling her a bitch and a cooze. She was just working under orders, however, this doesn’t erase the fact that she is just a Cocktease with a Goofy Voice—I calls ‘um like I sees ‘um. Apparently she is a fellow agent and that’s all we know. The only reason I am bringing her up again is because I reference her above in the Sex Tally. On multiple occasions Bond admits that they had yet to go all-the-way. What gives?! Ling is only in the film for about 2 minutes, and this is probably the most anyone has bothered to write about her in a review. I end with a not so interesting tid-bit: Tsai Chin later appears as Madame Wu in CASINO ROYALE (2006). How about that?

Charles Gray as Richard Lovelace ‘Dikko’ Henderson

Saying his full name takes about as much time as he is on-screen. I guess that’s why they never officaly revealed it… A MI6 contact in Tokyo, Henderson is a former soldier and current retired cripple. Oh, and it is insinuated that he is homosexual. Not sure why that was important, but they hint at it in the dialogue. It appears as though Henderson is going to be an interesting and helpful ally to Bond. Dikko, (yup, he’s gay all right) begins to discuss why he doesn’t believe that the Japanese Government is involved with the missing space stations when he is stabbed in his back mid-sentence right through his bedroom wall! Damn Flimsy Japanese Architecture! I blame YOU for ending a promising side-kick much too early and leaving us with—Tanaka—WHO IS—who is—well, awesome. Lets talk about him!

Tetsuro Tamba as “Tiger” Tanaka

Tiger Tanaka is without a doubt, THE best part of the movie. First—his name is Tiger. That’s pimp. Second, as him name would suggest, he IS a pimp. He has a legion of hot washer women that he keeps in check with ancient misogynistic rules:

1. Never do anything for yourself, when someone else (hot bitches) can do it for you.
2. In Japan, men always come first, women come second.

Third, Tanaka has a bitchin pad. A gorgeous sea side villa with a meticulously kept landscape, spacious interior and lovely Asian décor. Did I mention he has a bunch of hot masseuses on bended knee? ‘Cuz he does. It’s like the Asian equivalent to the Playboy Mansion.

Finally, Tiger is head of the Japanese secret service AND as such, runs a secret Ninja training compound. He’s like Hugh Hefner mixed with Bruce Lee and a extra-large Papa Murphy’s pizza thrown in for extra awesomeness. Long story short, this guy is the shiznitobam. Tamba plays the role with such brazing confidence and swagger he gives Bond a run for his money. I honestly would watch a series of films based on this character alone. Rant says, Tanaka the Tiger is GrrrrrEight!

DEBRIEFING: FINAL THOUGHTS
Three things I need to address, in two parts. The first two: Asian Bond and the Faux Wedding. I’ve seen this Bond several times, and I still don’t understand why the hell he goes through with this nonsense. In order to fool—I’m guessing SPECTRE, Bond gets himself outfitted with some Asianesqe make-up enhancements. You know, to “blend” in.

To begin with, why must Bond be hiding as he has already escaped capture? It’s foolish. On top of this, his “disguise” couldn’t fool Zatôichi. His prosthetics in place, Connery looks like a 6 foot oompa-loompa with chronic back pain or at the very least a doped-up Nickolas Cage, minus all self-confidence. Bond is at LEAST a foot taller than anyone else in the country and “hides” it by slouching. The worst thing about all this, is literally the next scene after receiving the procedure, Bond is almost killed by an assassin. It couldn’t even fool a man that had never seen him before. Does this dissuade him from carrying on with the charade? Hell no. Is that wedding bells I hear? In an act to further “disguise” himself from—whomever, Tanaka decides to have Bond get hitched to a local diver girl.

While the pace of this entry is like greased owl shit, this sequence grinds it to a halt. It is sooo unnecessary and boring. It’s unnecessary for him to hide and it introduces an unnecessary character. Oh, and I thought American weddings where tedious and tacky… Groan, the idea of Bond agreeing to play dress up and house goes against everything characteristically attributed to 007. Bond is a cocky, arrogant, egocentric ladies man. He would not be caught dead being involved in any of this humbug, even if he gets to “LIVE TWICE”.

Lastly, I must mention that this film is the birth of Epic Action. Easily the most action centric of the early Bond films, this baby hauls ass. With its extremely fast pace and few progressive character scenes, this film is at the finale in no time. And what a way to go! The perfect culmination of suspense and wonder packed into a fantastic tight-nit action extravaganza. With THE WILD BUNCH still two years off, I consider this to be the first epic shootout sequence of modern action, and man does it kick ass. It truly has it all:

-Extravagant Production Design, check.
-60+ Stuntmen, check.
-A Crucial Plot Countdown, check
-Bullets, Blades and Blofeld’s Cat, check.
-Henchmen, Ninjas, Mini-Tramps and Explosions, BIG FUCKIN’ check.

This sequence, combined with the rest of the already insanely action-packed movie, blows the top off the proverbial action movie volcano. Every ‘80’s style action flick owes a ‘dedicated to’ credit for this film. I never would have thought that a movie made in the ‘60’s and written by Roald Dahl would be such an event to watch. He did however pen, THE B.F.G., which I believe was later adapted into DOOM. Might have to Wiki that, but I’m fairly certain.

As I mentioned above, I knock this movie for it’s lack of character development, but when I say that, I’m almost glad. It’s fun to watch a mostly mindless action film once and awhile (daily is OK by me) and even though it probably added to Connery’s reasons for leaving, I’m still glad that it is the way it is. Plus, it’s always good to shake things up once and awhile. And with Sean gone, the next installment was forced to. Connery’s Bond will however LIVE TWICE more after this, even if the series was better off having moved on. More on both of those topics next time.

7 outta 10
RANT WILL RETURN IN (a review of) ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE