Yay, excitement all the way!
So, I tried myself in writing a breakdown. Is it successful? Well, I'll let you guys judge...
So, what movie are we talking about?
Ah scheiße, warum gerade dieses Stück behinderte...?
Oh, excuse me: Oh my, a German action movie - why the fuck not.German "Cyborg" - without cyborgs[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]
In the not-so-distant future of 2045, Germany's economy collapses, electricity collapses - fucking EVERYTHING collapses (well, sort of...) and in the midst of the semi-postapocalyptic chaos, some blonde dude wants to avenge his kung-fu-master. Or something like that. It's kind of like Cyborg
. Without cyborgs. But it's equally as stupid and awesome in a B-movie-way.Kampfansage - Der letzte Schüler [The Challenge] (2005) Breakdown by PhilFightmaster[THE EXECUTION]
Before I start getting into this movie, let me tell you about a certain German production company called ActionConcept
Here in Deutschland, we don't have that much of what you can call an action film-culture. Sure, there certainly are some action flicks made in Germany - but mostly we know that something like this exists because we have/had TV-series like Der Clown
(a series about an ex-cop going vigilante on everybody's ass whilst wearing a silly clown mask), Alarm für Cobra 11
(a series consisting of nothing - FUCKING NOTHING - but pretty spectacular car chases and explosions) and Lasko - Die Faust Gottes
(a kung fu-series about a kung fu-monk kicking ass in the name of the Lord). They all have something in common: They've been made by the company called ActionConcept
Sadly, I can't even recall a German action movie being shown in theaters in the last 10 to 15 years - but I sure as hell can recall some pretty damn entertaining (B-)action flicks that were made for TV. And we (teh Germinz) have to thank ActionConcept
for that. So, when they got together with a group of semi-professional stuntmen and martial artists, they decided to make a feature length movie about Germans kicking the shit out of each other, set in a postapocalyptic (... kinda...) world.
Did they make a good movie? FUCK NO. But did they make an entertaining movie? Holy shit, did they succeed at that. Let's take a look.[THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THEIR BADASSITUDE] [THE GOOD GUYS]To the right: Mathis Landwehr is Jonas Klingenberg is "Der letzte Schüler" (The Last Apprentice)
Mathis Landwehr is a martial artist and stuntman, known for playing the title character in Lasko - Die Faust Gottes
and for some stuntman-works in some bigger Hollywood-productions. So, this guy is business. Small business, but he's business. He can't act if his life depended on it, but he pulls off the stoic kung-fu-fighting joints-breaking love-making people-off-rooftops-throwing bad-ass he's supposed to play. And boy, does this dude know how to fight.
- fights a dozen guys who are armed with tonfas - himself being unarmed
- lights Bela B. of "Die Ärzte"-fame on fire
- fucks his best friend's sister while people are being slaughtered in the background
- carries around a book full of knowledge about a super-special-secret form of kung-fu (which the main bad guy is after)
- is the only character in this movie with a family name (srsly)
- witnesses his kung-fu-master being killed by the bad guys and vows kung-fu-revenge against these motherfuckers
- plays the chicken game with a (CG-ANIMATED!) army-truck
- transforms into some kind of 2045-Berlin-Robin HoodTo the left: Volkram Zschiesche is Vinzent is The Comic Relief
Vinzent is the head of an underground rebel-organisation that fights the main bad guy Bosko and his evil army. Vinzent does not only have an awesome beard (seriously, I'm fucking jealous), but also one hot piece of ass as a sister - whom he gladly gives away to his new best friend Jonas. "Yeah yeah sure you can fuck my sister - so, what about the kung-fu-thing again?" It's glorious.
Volkram Zschiesche (good luck with pronouncing that name correctly - I for sure can't) is not only the second main good guy in this flick (and pulls off the comic relief character quite decently, I might add), but also the fight choreographer. And let me tell you: The man does an amazing job. The fights are exciting, a bit brutal at times and sometimes even really impressive, especially considering the shoelace-budget of the film. So: Good job right there.
- exchanges his sister's vagina for kung-fu-knowledge
- fights two badass-fighters at the same time and wins
- fights Jonas, Little John-style, with a stick and almost wins
- sure looooves to partay, even if the apocalypse just rained down on Germany
- leads a rebellion against a pussy bad guy with a silly goatee.
- shoots the main bad girl fucking dead, right after being shot at by her a few minutes earlier. Awesome.[THE BAD GUYS 'N' GIRLS]Christian Monz is Bosko
So... this silly sausage with an even sillier goatee is the dude who enslaved postapocalyptic Berlin. Yeah, right... No, I don't believe that. Sure, on the still he looks somewhat competent, but don't trust that: The guy is a fucking pussy with a capital P. He's the son of the dude who started this whole civil war-thing after German economy broke down. And as a kid, he and his slutty (but Jesus Christ fucking hot) sister witnessed how his dad got killed - fucking kung-fu'd to death - by Jonas' kung-fu-teacher (which is an awesome way to go out, if you ask me). So, it's no wonder that he goes - grown up to be an annoying cunt of a man - to said master's place and fucks everything (including the master) up. But Bosko is too much of a pussy to actually kill him - his sister has to step in with a big ass revolver and do the job. She's kind of awesome in that regard.
Pretty weak, huh? But I'm not finished yet. The dude's lackeys SUCK. They're not only too stupid to see some guy in a wifebeater and brightly coloured jeans Sam Fisher'ing all over the place in BROAD FUCKING DAYLIGHT, they don't even manage to beat down some kids who call themselves "rebels" and know a bit of kung-fu EVEN IF THEY GANG UP ON THEM! This dude and his whole fucking mantra of incompetence just brings the movie down which is kind of sad. Was it not for this stupid asshole, the movie could be so much better and I could even excuse some of the pretty big plotholes scattered throughout this flick.
- gets kicked into a bookcase
- can't read the super special secret kung-fu book - but tries to teach its subject matter to his lackeys nonetheless. Even though he can't read it. Whaaaaa...?
- loses every - goddamn - fight - he's in
- kills his fellow officer by merely touching him (???)
- is a pussy compared to his crazy bitch of a sisterZora Holt is Kleo is Bosko's sister
So, why couldn't we have HER as the main villain again? Look at her, look at that glimpse in her eyes and that big ass revolver she points right at your nuts. Bitch means business.
She's crazy in the head and she controls every single of her sissy brother's moves. So, she kind of is
the main bad guy in this movie. And she's fucking hot, so it's easy for me as the very very sad and horrible person that I am to forgive her not-so-good, I'd even go as far as to say pretty damn shitty acting job. She overacts like crazy, it's hilarious.
But I'm perfectly willing to forgive a schlocky acting job, as I said before... *sigh* She can load my magazine any time.MURDER BY NUMBERS: About 30 + half of Germany
As I said: It's a postapocalyptic (I'm really starting to hate this fucking word!) movie, so of course a shitload of people died in the civil war. That doesn't mean we don't get to see a decent bodycount - we sure as hell do.
As for character kills, it's a bit tame: Jonas scores at least 2 (Bela B. and fucking Bosko), Vinzent shoots Kleo, a lot of rebels die at a techno party (yeah, don't ask me how that fits into the whole "Oh noez, no technology!"-bullshit), some people die in the chaotic opening battle for Berlin - it's pretty intense at times, but nothing out of the ordinary.MOST SATISFYING DEATH:
It was such a blast to see Bosko getting kicked off the roof of his boss villa and hitting the ground, being fucking dead. It's satisfying in all the right ways.[THE SEX AND VIOLENCE] DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO:
Well, there's the very special relationship between Vinzent and Jonas. Also a lot of the freedom fighters seem to be kind of jealous of Jonas being the sexy hunk of manmeat he is. I mean: The opening credits sequence is nothing but the dude sweating his ass off, showing off his muscles and training with nunchucks.EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY:
Kleo is a crazy bitch and Vinzent's sister Marie (yeah, she has a name) is nothing but a good to be exchanged for the kung-fu-knowledge. At the beginning she's shown as a kind of strong woman, but from the second act on, she's nothing but a damsel in distress, doing really stupid things, getting captured and in need to be saved by Jonas and her brother.
Oh, did I mention the incestious tension between Kleo and her brother?
Well, at least you get to see her bare-naked ass for a few moments. So, that's cool.[THE BEST OF THE REST]EP-M
Yeah, Bosko's demise is pretty epic. But if "epic" can also mean "stupidest shit I've seen in a long time" - well, then this moment is truly epically stupid.
So, Jonas and Vinzent go Robin Hood on Bosko's ass and steal a halfrotten Russian army truck in order to - what else - play the chicken game with Bosko's officer sitting in a halfrotten Russian truck as well. So, it's all pretty intense, there's truck A and truck B driving at full speed to be mangled in a car crash of epic proportions - when all of a sudden the movie turns into a Playstation 1-cutsequence and the rest of the scene IS CG-ANIMATED!
Yes! I couldn't make that shit up if I tried hard enough! They could afford two trucks, they could afford to let them drive down a road for a few minutes - AND THEY COULDN'T AFFORD LETTING THEM ALMOST CRASH?! AND CG-ANIMATED THE SHIT?!? This scene right there killed the movie for me and that was when I realized that CG fucking sucks. Because the whole damn movie is ridden with more-or-less-okay CG that distracts from the awesome action every now and then. Every now and then being especially THIS FUCKING SCENE!BEST ONE-LINER
The dialogue in this movie is weak as shit. But this very line made me laugh the most because it's brain meltingly stupid, hilarious and kind of awesome:
[roughly translated]Kleo: So what you wanna do? Kill me, or fuck me?
Bosko: Why not both?
What the fuck is wrong with you, dude?[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]
In the future, nothing in Berlin will have changed, it's still ugly as shit. Except for more people being able to kung-fu. [THE CHECKLIST: 16 out of 25]
[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor” [Mathis Landwehr]
 Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[X] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse/Castle (well, it's a mansion - which is kind of like a castle)
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
 Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation (I totally count the chicken game in the army trucks)
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting [Mathis Landwehr]
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
 Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
 Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
 Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
 Tis The Season
 Torture Sequence(s)
 Unnecessary Sequel
 Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice