[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]
Red Sonja (1985): Breakdown by Rantbo
Brigitte Nielsen sword fights Sandahl Bergman to prove to herself (and the audience), that there’s a difference between being a dyke and just looking like one. Though which side she’s championing is still up for debate.
[THE EXECUTION]
The evil man-hating Queen Gedren (Bergman) has recently gotten her hands on a magical orb of man-hating ultimate doom and the only person qualified to stop her is the fiery-haired man-hating vixen, Red Sonja (Nielsen). Arnold, that kid from TMNT2 and some fat guy with a giant bone for a weapon help out (do most of the hard work). Unlike most “chosen” heroes, Sonja isn’t trepidacious, as she also has some vengeance to wrought on the Queen for killing her entire family and then forcing (I’m assuming) her male soldiers to rape the shit out Red and leave her for dead. Good olde fashioned, family entertainment.
Arnold and Brigitte Take A Break After Trying To Act
I knew about this movie years and years ago, but never watched it do to all the negative and vicious feedback surrounding it. I eventually came around after repeatedly staring at it’s amazing poster and I’m glad to say I did, as I truly enjoy this film. Seriously, like 7 outta 10 enjoyed it. Solidifying that I should always judge a movie by it’s cover and not what other people think about it.
SONJA contains within a plethora of cheesy 80s fantasy elements that when added together make for a hilarious and groan inducing good time:
-A glowing orb that kills carriers of the Y chromosome and causes earthquakes.
-A pit of unseen and unspeakable torture.
-A fairy godmother that talks through a sword.
-A giant spider.
-A boiling moat of liquid shit, ala THE BEASTMASTER.
-A steam powered television that plays softcore porn.
-An armor-plated mechanical water dragon.
–Arnold Schwarzenegger.
-Also: crossbows, throwing stars, horses, headbands, mini-skirts and a pre-pubescent Ernie Reyes Jr.
However, the set-design, matte-paintings, costume design and original score by Morricone are gorgeous.
Honesty, if this had been a silent movie, it could have won an Oscar. Really top-notch stuff that sadly gets buried by the poor acting and horrific dialogue. It’s a shame that there isn’t a ‘score-only’ audio track on the DVD, as I think this film could reach a whole new level (or A level, depending on how you look at it) of audience appreciation . On the other hand, fuck the snobs, this film will only ever be appreciated by the genre fans and this is as it should be. Check this out if you dug the CONANs, THE BEASTMASTER and other super-gay 80s sword and Sandahl flicks.
[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]
Brigitte Nielsen is Red Sonja
“You are the master, of the master. Never have I seen your equal.”
“I don’t need any MANS help.”
As for the second quote, turns out she doesn’t. She needs three. But, this doesn’t really hinder her badass actions. Despite her natural lack of anything resembling talent as an actress, Brigitte serves the role of the super blade-swinging she-woman man-hater to a T.
A role of this type and magnitude generally consists of three necessary attributes: #1. The ability to pull a hideous battle face. #2. The ability to convincingly look like you know what you’re doing with a sword. And #3. A mullet of greater than 2 feet. Brigitte Nielsen pulls off all three. And then some…
This Is To Scale. DON’T DISPUTE ME.
The party-end of her femullet is almost 3 feet long! It’s gnarly on a level that I can’t even describe. I think even the Boz would be impressed with this beastly doo.
Anyways, Sonja definitely earns her right to be the title character. She goes one-on-one with Arnold in a sword fight (I feel the need to clarify, it’s an ACTUAL sword fight), she kills a handful of evildoers, she rides a horse, she almost speaks English, and she fights and kills the Amazonian Goddess herself, Sandahl Bergman.
[THE BODY COUNT: AROUND 65]
That’s almost a kill a minute. A damn fine average if you ask me. Sonja only kills 7, but I give her a break as Nielsen was playing the role of a woman. Arnold’s Kalidor makes up for lost numbers though with a healthy and satisfying 25 kills by way of the blade. He even gets one by beheading and another by chopping off a dude’s arm.
Not to be outdone, the Queen and her automatons wipeout around 20 by attacking a sect of hot sword-wielding bitches and Sonja’s family. And 10 or so of the Queen’s men are taken out in kind. This film puts the Red in Blood Red.
[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]
Gedren Gets Penetrated By Another Woman—Just Not In The Way She’s Used To.
Spoiler Alert! Gedren gets stabbed in the chest by Sonja and falls into a giant lava filled chasm that opened up inside her candle room for some reason. I believe it had something to do with the man-hating green-orb of doom, but I can’t be sure. At any rate, this was a good death.
[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]
A sword and sorcery film co-staring Arnold Schwarzenegger and he keeps his pants on the entire movie. No wonder this movie was a flop and regarded with shame by all those involved. Worse still, he spends the all his free time chasing after Sonja in an effort to gorilla fuck her. Now I could make the case (as I have before) that Nielsen is not a woman, just a slightly feminine and well shaved Norse man. But, it still wouldn’t beleaguer the fact that she has long smooth legs and a nice firm ass, which in a land seemingly populated with nothing but ugly men, children and dead-lesbians, is the best and most hetero choice.
There is, however, a ton of lesbo crap in the film. A ton. But, who gives a shit? If I wanted to watch hot women lezzing-out, all I need is Google Search. Keep that filth out of my gay 80s action movies please.
[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]
“I will tell the future in your entrails, RED WOMAN!”
The film’s opening action sequence features an entire sect of virginy female cult members being slaughtered by the blades of chauvinistic male soldiers. Not sure if it makes this situation more or less misogynistic as the soldiers are ordered to do so by a power hungry lesbian.
Also, this film features a THIS ISLAND EARTH style interocitor that seems to only get two stations, one has RED SONJA playing 24/7 and the other is the Harem-Girl channel.
Then, of course, there is the obligatory 80s fantasy rape sequence, that occurs in flashback during the first minute of the movie. Apparently one experience of being violated repeatedly by a legion of soldiers, after they killed her family is enough to condemn the entire male species in Sonja’s eyes, thus giving her the whole ‘I don’t trust men’ sexist way of thinking.
[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]
Arnold Crashes The Party
[flashvideo filename=videos/REDSONJA.avi.FLV /]
Copyright: Famous Films B.V.
He goes on to scream a bunch of stuff in Schwarzeneggerese and kill a dozen or so men, but this was to be expected. That entrance however, is the stuff of legend.
Arnie also ends up bagging my favorite bit of dialogue…
Kalidor: “If you yield only to a conqueror, than prepare to be conquered.”
It’s THE perfect come-on line to use on disgruntled Femme-Nazis in need of some serious deep-dicking. Just don’t be surprised if after using it a court case follows and you too end up getting some serious deep-dicking of your own.
[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]
Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Lundgren, Flav—Brigitte Nielsen is the cumdumpster of I Love The 80s.
[THE SIGNS OF SCHWARZENEGGER: 4 outta 5]
[X] Performs A Ridiculous Feat(s) of Strength
[ ] Says, “I’ll be back.”
[X] Shows Off Buffness
[X] Unnecessarily Violent Opponent Dispatch
[X] Wields A Big Sword With One Arm
[THE CHECKLIST: 16 outta 25]
[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[ ] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[ ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse [Better, A Castle]
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[ ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[ ] Manly Embrace(s)
[ ] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[X] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[X] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[X] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[ ] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[ ] Tis The Season
[X] Torture Sequence(s)
[ ] Unnecessary Sequel
[ ] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice
Fun Game: Pick Which Side Is The Real Arnold And Which Is The Mirror Image.
Answer: The one on the right. I’m pretty sure.