[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Conan The Destroyer (1984): Breakdown by Rantbo

Between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the sons of Arius, there was an age undreamed of, when shining kingdoms lay spread across the world and Arnold Schwarzenegger was still gay. Hither came Conan, the Cimmerian, sword in hand. A big long and thick one.

[THE EXECUTION]

So, rather than becoming king (as the end of the first film suggested), Conan is still slumming around as a vagrant and thief, now with a “humorous” sidekick. Thankfully though, the movie doesn’t piss-away time with that nonsense and instead Conan is given a bunch of other, more exciting, nonsense to do.

Accepting a quest from Queen Evil Lyn (looked just like her), Conan is asked to take her Niece, the Princess Jehnna, on a quest to find a key. A key (which is actually a diamond(?)) that for some reason or another, only she can touch. I also remember something about a birthmark, but whatever. There is, however, a catch. Jehnna must remain a virgin. And who better to guard her hymen than Arnold ‘Conan’ Schwarzenegger, a man who fucks anything; animal, mineral or vegetable and Wilt ‘20,000 Bed Notches’ Chamberlin? But in an extremely odd twist, neither of these two fuck anyone… Not even each other. Needless to say, this movie was kind of disappointing.

On top of the fact that the only sex Arnold and Wilt have is with metaphorical steel penises, and that this movie was clearly written as an intended swords & sorcery orgy, that the film refuses to deliver, it is also; rated PG, loaded with unnecessary comic relief and directed by someone not named John Milius. However, once again (as I thought with the first) the set design, locations and cinematography are breathtaking. Not to mention, this film is still quite a lot of fun.

I think Arnold has more lines in the first ten minutes of this film, than in the entirety of the first. I’m still undecided as to whether or not that is a good thing. Most of his dialogue is unnecessary, as he is usually just explaining what it is we are already seeing on film. Which, I have to believe was due to a combination of Arnold’s rise in fame from the first CONAN and those pussies over at Universal Pictures trying to make him a family friendly icon. An obviously great idea, as nothing says family entertainment like a 6’2″ steroid fueled Austrian bodybuilder known for pumping iron till he cums and fucking like a rabbit in springtime. But, the dialogue isn’t all annoying, as he does keep saying “CROM!” when he gets excited or pissed. Which is pretty funny.

DESTROYER is PG, but it’s pre-PG-13 PG, meaning there are still blood spraying squib cuts and lopped off flying heads. Which is great, but make no mistake, this film was violently pussified. So, I guess you could say, it’s fun for all ages. And while it’s not nearly as good as the original, CONAN THE DESTROYER is still leaps and bounds better than most sword and sorcery films of the eighties. It just got bogged down by the studio dicks trying to make it like the “other” ones. If you enjoyed part one, DESTROYER is well worth a watch, so long as you keep your expectations lower than the first.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Arnold Schwarzenegger is Conan

“You’re a barbarian. You live free in the world. You owe allegiance to no one. Is that not so?”
Conan: “It is, and it always will be.”

Princess Jehnna: “I suppose nothing hurts you.”
Conan: “Only pain.”

-Opens the film by killing half a dozen men on horseback.
-Punches out a horse. And the “same” camel from part one.
-Slaughters a group of cannibalistic tribesmen.
-Professionally Wrestles a giant lizard man in a cape, and impales the wizard’s stomach who was controlling it with his his sword.
-Together with Chamberlin, power lifts a 3-foot thick stone wall.
-Infiltrates a palace and kills some guards.
-Kills Wilt Chamberlin with a blade penetration. Fitting.
-Kills the God of Femininity with his bare hands and his giant coc—er, sword.

[THE BODY COUNT: 50ish]

Conan kills 23 leather clad bitches, four less than his last outing, but he does slay a couple demons as well. So there is that. The rest of his mystical wrecking crew, slaughters around 20 and before being sent back to Hades, the demon impales Evil Lyn with its “horn” and squishes a rando guy beneath its foam-rubber clodhoppers.

Again, this is not nearly as violent as it should have been, but it would still be a borderline R, by today’s pussified standings. So, under the circumstances, it’s an acceptable amount of carnage.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING & DEATH]

Conan vs. Lizard Wizard

Whilst trying to steal the mystical diamond “key” from a sorcerer’s palace, Conan incurs the wrath of the homeowner, who attacks him with a magically controlled seven foot tall wrestler with a reptile-like demon head and Little Red Riding’s Hood.

The two well oiled beefcakes proceed to wrestle one another, 80s style, complete with some signature moves, that I’m sure Vince McMahon contemplated suing over. And Conan eventually defeats the beast by breaking a bunch of shit and chucking his sword through the wizard’s torso. Death by phallic penetration is always cool.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

Much like I felt in the first film, I am conflicted as to whether or not Conan is willing to fuck everything, or if he is just bisexual. Like the below picture shows, this film is incredibly contradictory and often on the sexual fence.

Angry… Or About To Cry With Joy?

Examples:

1. Conan’s greatest desire is to get his girlfriend back, yet he still tromps around in a leather cod-piece, swinging a giant phallic blade of death.

2. His pre-hair metal hair looks glorious, and is kept in place with a leather headband, perfectly quaffed, even while in battle with other leather-daddies over the task of keeping virginal pussy, virginal. Yet he makes no moves on Wilt Chamberlin, an obvious match made in barbarian heaven. It’s fucking confusing.

However, there is a moment in which Conan meets back up with Akiro (Mako, the wizard from the first film) and simply says, “I need you.” To which Akiro replies, “I’m yours.” That’s pretty straight(gay)forward.

Then there is this Christopher Lee look-alike Protector of The Horn (a bedazzled dildo), who in order to open a door, clangs his wrist guards together and waves his hands like he’s in a Madonna video.

Strike A Pose!

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Conan: “Not MY Queen!”

You can always trust this genre to put silly little women in their place and CONAN 2 is no exception. Let’s start with the Princess. When first we see her, she has just woken up in bed next to Wilt Chamberlain screaming, “ I saw it! I saw it again!”. What it is she saw, is never explained, but Wilt and the Queen insist that whatever “it” was (massive black dong) was just a bad dream. Yes, only in a nightmare would her virgin womb be expected to sheath such a monster. Best to keep her pretty little head in the dark on this one.

Next, is Grace Jones, playing herself. I’m guessing they caught her ravaging through the studio backlot and decided to wrangle her into the film. When life gives you lemons…

Grace is the epitome of a Female Fighter: laughable, unbelievable and butch. Then, about halfway through the film, her façade comes tumbling down. And what could possibly out such a fierce and intimidating warrior as a weak-willed coward of the female gender? A regular old, garden-variety rodent. That’s right, a fuzzy little rat causes the Big Bad Bush-Woman to scream out and jump up on a ledge. There, there, Wonder Woman, do you want the big strong men to carry you past the fearsome vile creature?

But the clearest piece of evidence that this film, and the genre it belongs to, was made for the sole purpose of turning young men gay with visions of oiled pecks and subjugated women, is the Demon God Dagoth. Or, Dagoth the Giant Pussy Creature, as I like to call it.

Look at that thing’s face and try not picturing a war-torn labia. You can’t. Not only does this thing make vagina look like a hideous tooth-filled killer beast, it can only survive by killing other, as yet untainted pussy. And it hates men. This thing is Republican propaganda, personified. Ladies, this is what happens if you have sex out of wedlock. So, you have two options: either get married to the first man you interact with, or stay a virgin forever. Either way, in Conan’s world, you risk chance of a pussy monster consuming you.

But, the best/most disgusting part is, Conan and crew take this beast down by making it bleed about the face like the fourth week of Lilith Fair. I know, it’s fucking gross. And then Conan finally kills it by tearing off it’s horn (clitoris) and stabbing it with his steel penis. Take that, you vile, evil, mythic vagina creature!

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

At the point of my chosen moment, Conan has gone roughly half-a-day without killing something and you can tell he’s getting edgy. Which means a bad time for anyone wanting to negotiate with him.

The protectors of the Jeweled Dildo attempt to do this and after a minute, Conan gets bored and chucks a knife into one of them.

“Enough talk!”

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

Diamond > Wizard, Blade > Man, Penis > Vagina.

[THE SIGNS OF SCHWARZENEGGER: 4 outta 5]

[X] Performs A Ridiculous Feat(s) of Strength
[ ] Says, “I’ll be back.”
[X] Shows Off Buffness
[X] Unnecessarily Violent Opponent Dispatch
[X] Wields A Big Sword With One Arm

[THE CHECKLIST: 17 outta 25]

[X] Athlete(s) Turned “Actor”
[X] Clinging To The Outside Of A Moving Vehicle
[X] Crotch Attack
[X] Dialogue Telling Us How Bad-Ass The Main Character(s) Is/Are
[ ] Ending Featuring An Ambulance, A Blanket or A Towel
[X] Factory/Warehouse*
[X] Giant Explosion(s)
[ ] Heavy Artillery
[X] Improvised Weapon(s)
[X] Macho Mode(s) Of Transportation
[X] Main Character Sports Facial Accessory(s)
[X] Manly Embrace(s)
[X] Notorious Stunt-Man Sighting
[ ] Passage(s) Of Time Via Montage
[ ] Politically Fueled Plot Point(s)
[X] Senseless Destruction Of Property
[X] Shoot Out(s) and/or Sword Fight(s)
[ ] Slow-Motion Finishing Move(s)/Death(s)
[X] Stupid Authoritative Figure(s)
[X] Substance Usage and/or Abuse
[ ] Tis The Season
[ ] Torture Sequence(s)
[ ] Unnecessary Sequel
[X] Vehicle Chase(s)
[X] Vigilante Justice

*Better, there is a palace.