AOBG

I was introduced to Bond, James Bond with GOLDENEYE in 1995. I was 12, and it was the first Bond flick I had ever seen (I blame my parents for not turning me on to them sooner). I continued watching the Brosnan Bond’s into my teens, catching them all in the theater as they came out. However, I didn’t become a Bond-A-Holic until years later, when my amigo Kain turned me on to the pre-Brosnan Bond’s, starting in chronological order with DR. NO. Not to say that Pierce didn’t spark my fanboy love, I just didn’t fully appreciate the glory that is the 20+ flick legacy that is the 007 collection, until I had seen how it had evolved. But now, I do. I have since watched them all over at least 3 times and I like them more with each viewing.

Well, my itch to watch the series from beginning to end once again  is about to be scratched and I figured, what the Hell, why not try my patience and write up a little companion piece to each one and post it for the masses to skim-through and ignore? Well, here I go. I am starting this a little bass-akwards and posting my piece on 007 #21 first. I am doing so for two reasons, 1. It’s his origin story and 2.  I wanted to post it side by side with my QUANTUM OF SOLACE review. So, with out further ado, welcome to…

RANTBO’S BOND-A-THON

CASINO ROYALE
.:BOND #21 (2006):.

THE CLASSIFIED INFO:

An adaptation of Ian Fleming’s first novel featuring the British super agent, Commander James Bond. This franchise re-boot introduces us to special agent James Bond, just as he is earning his Double-O status and his license to kill. Unleashed unto the world, Bond goes on his first case as agent 007, taking him to Madagascar, the Bahamas, and eventually Montenegro in pursuit of a ruthless terrorist financier and poker aficionado named Le Chiffre. Keeping Bond in check, as the pursuit brings him to a high stakes poker game, is a gorgeous Treasury official, Vesper Lynd.

THE THEME AND CREDITS:

The Kiss Kiss, will have to wait, this badboy kicks off with the Bang Bang, as Bond, James Bond achieves his mandatory 2 man body count, passing his entrance test into the crème de la crème of the British Secret Service outfits, the “00” unit. Chris Cornell’s YOU KNOW MY NAME slides on the soundtrack like a lubricated prophylactic. James in it’s sights, the blood-dripping Gun Barrel POV shakes in it’s owners death rattle, effectively kicking off one truly bitchin’ Bond Credit Sequence. Now I have to say, I don’t care for the song. Sorry. To be fair though, my music tastes are as finicky as a child born without immunities. What doesn’t kill me, makes me seriously irritated and physically ill. So, I cannot, nor will not, knock this flick, or any of the other’s (for the most part) for my music taste. Plus, the design of the credit sequence by Daniel Kleinman is spot on with the theme of the story and coincides very well with the beats of the mediocre song.

BOND, JAMES BOND: DANIEL CRAIG
BODY BAGS FILLED (10) BOND BABES FULFILLED (1)

With his lucky number 7 bestowed, James is off and running (literally) on his first case.  Bond, on the tail of a bomb-maker named Mollaka, gets himself into a parkour chase through Madagascar. This action sequence does nothing if not prove just how unpolished Bond is at this point. In this chase, the pursued is smooth, cunning and fluid, while the pursuer, Bond, is messy, chaotic and cold. His tunnel-vision to his prey is downright scary. Bond practically destroys an entire construction site and becomes the catalyst in causing massive damage to the local embassy, all to try and catch a minnow in the terrorist organization alive. Bond continues this self-righteous recklessness as he works his way up the underworld chain to Le Chiffre.

Craig’s Bond comes off as a snide, brutish asshole as opposed to the familiar sarcastic, suave ladies man depicted in most of the previous installments. I see him as a mix between  Dalton and Connery, which for me, is like mixing chocolate with peanut butter. You can’t lose.

“Hey, you got Dalton on my Connery!”
“You got Connery on my Dalton!”
“Hey! This is like pure win!”
“I Concur, wanna go bang hot chicks?”
“Do I!”

Bond continues his bitter douchieness throughout the first half of the picture and really only displays a sense of humor when it involves hurting others feelings and property. He’s pretty much a bully, with a license to kill… not the best combo for whomever pisses in his cornflakes.

But, thankfully, he is not a completely coldhearted bastard, as Bond’s cheeky side comes into play the moment that Vesper arrives. The scene that follows her arrival, is not only my favorite of the film, but easily in the top three of the entire series. In those few minutes we are shown more about what makes him tick, than in the previous hour, all by having a witty exchange of dialogue with Ms. Lynd.  For instance, Vesper points out to Bond that if he should lose in his forthcoming poker match, that their government will have directly funded terrorism. The look that he displays at hearing this tells us without a word that he, in fact, had never realized this, as the thought of losing had never entered his mind. This is the ego of Bond and the beginning of Vesper crushing it.  It is clear that Bond is more interested in Vesper than ANY woman he has met in, at least a VERY long time and from this point on, Bond is on a mission. Not only to pound out that dent in his armor of ego, but to break Vesper of her distaste in it. ‘Cuz if it is anything that Craig’s Bond can love, it’s a challenge!

Bond continues his emotional growth during the rest of the film. In losing at poker, he learns to deal with failing himself. In getting poisoned, he learns he is not  invincible. In being tortured, he learns how his pride and stubbornness can be used when all hope is lost. In falling in love, he learns that… well, even he can fall in love. CASINO ROYALE is by far the best “Bond” Bond. We get to see what really makes him who he is and just why so many of us love and adore him for it. And while Craig isn’t my favorite Bond, he is arguably the best. (I say this, and hold to it, even after watching the next installment.)

THE BOND VILLAIN(S):

Mads Mikkelsen as Le Chiffre

One of my favorites. Mikkelsen hits this one out of the park. One of the most human of all Bond’s nemeses, he is constantly screwing up and not just in underestimating Bond. He messes up all over the place. Not only does this guy have MI-6 on his tail, he also has his employers, the CIA and a couple of pissed off criminal investors from Madagascar (and I don’t mean that shitty Move-It Move-It Kids movie) after him. Not to mention, he is a pretty sick puppy. From not protesting when two thugs threaten to mutilate his girlfriend to resorting to castrating his men for information, this guy is a major douche. He is overconfident, wormy and overall, you can’t wait to see him get his comeuppance.

Jesper Christensen as Mr. White

Not much can be said for the man, other than we know he is pulling ‘ze strings. Appearing only briefly in this film, he is more of a presence than a certified Bond villain, he shows up only when a deal is about to be made or broken and disappears like Keyser Söze. But for what we do see of him, I dig it.

THE BOND GIRLS:

Caterina Murino as Solange Dimitrios

She’s sexy, she’s sultry, she’s stupefying gorgeous in any attire, but she’s not single. Perfect. At least for Bond anyways. Bond likes to keep his sex life simple, and he does this by only getting involved with non-single women. Sex with copious amounts of hot exotic women and zero emotional attachment, sign me up. Thing is, Bond does not bag this particular dame. Going against the series standard, Bond chooses his assignment, which he isn’t even supposed to be on, to sticking around and “Finding Out”. It’s sad really, as Ms. Murino is one drop dread (literally) Bond Babe.

Eva Green as Vesper Lynd

Ah, the reason why James IS Bond. The Yin to Bond’s Yang, the vodka to his martini, the single-column magazine to his Walther PPK. For many, Eva is THE Bond girl and I can understand why. She is by far and away the most crucial girl in Bond’s parking garage sized stable.

One of only two women that were able to break Bond down to a relationship, Vesper is something special. She is smart, cunning, witty and pretty in a way that makes me want to cut myself. Most importantly though, she is flawed. Shortly after meeting Bond, she is successful in making him feel human, or at least, less than a God amongst men.

For example: When checking into the Casino’s hotel, Bond gives away his real name to the staff and angers her. Vesper makes Bond take the stairs up to their room as, “There is not enough room in here (the elevator) for your ego.” The problem here is, as Bond states it, “You mistake our (meaning men) insecurities for arrogance.” Bond gave away his presumed cover as an attempt to pump himself back up for the doubt that Vesper instilled the previous night. This is his insecurity. Vesper misses this time and time again, and it leads to her downfall. Bond doesn’t HAVE a massive ego, he IS his massive ego, because it is the only way that he is able to survive. Call it the Clip Is Half-Full Approach to his dealing with things. But what is so great about her character, is that she breaks all this apart by caring for him. She gives him his first tux, she shows him through her innocence that killing isn’t so simply black and white and she breaks down his armor of ego and makes him care about something other than himself and the job-at-hand, which consequently makes him unable to continue in his line of work.

The sad/great for us, thing about it is, she is playing him the whole time. Though eventually her love for her ’kidnapped’ mate is displaced and turned to Bond, she does what she set out to do and ends up destroying James in the process. This pains her so much that she takes her own life. “The Bitch is dead.” Shakespeare, eat your heart out.

An interesting thing about all this is that Bond falls in love for the first time, breaking his adultery-only approach to women, only to find out that Vesper is not single after all. Talk about an unhealthy attraction. I think it is safe to assume that this is why Bond reverts, or rather will revert back to his style of using women like shake-and-bake bags, bi-weekly check-ups for STD’s be damned. In her death, the building of a new suit of armor begins, but perhaps this time, it might be a little more pliable and we might get to see Bond lighten up a bit.

THE BOND-AIDS: (GADGETS, CARS & FELLOW AGENTS)

GADGETS: Aside from a portable defibrillator and a GPS microchip implant, there’s nada. At least nothing worth going on about.

CARS: Bond wins the classic 1963 Aston Martin DB5 in a poker game and is given a 2006 model from M. Sweet.

FELLOW AGENTS:

Judi Dench as M

To me Judi Dench IS M. Like I said before, my first Bond was GOLDENEYE, so this is who I grew up with and this is who I love. Judi is great as M, but her character has changed with the times and circumstances of the films. When she started with Brosnan, they hated one another, but as this is a reboot, they have a more love-hate thing going on. She knows that he has potential to be the best and their relationship mirrors it. Not to say that she doesn’t keep him in check (as much as she can anyways), she knocks what she can off his ego, but in the end, both her and Bond know he is the Man.

Giancarlo Giannini as René Mathis

I like the actor, but the character annoyed me. It almost seems he is in the film for only two reasons. 1. To stand beside the 4th wall and explain the card game and 2. To be the red herring. The second was cool in teaching Bond he can’t trust anyone, but IMO,  they screwed it up in the sequel.

Jeffrey Wright as Felix Leiter

I loved this guy! Not only was it a blast to see Felix (at the time, I hadn’t read the book, so I didn’t expect him) but it was a pleasant surprise having an award winning Black dude play him. Wright gave a memorable and fun take on Bond’s American field buddy, my only complaint being I would have liked to have seen more of him.

THE DEBRIEF:

All-in-all, this is probably the most solid Bond film in the series. The script, the score, the shots: oh, man the shots. Pause the flick at random and odds are you will find the still to be wallpaper worthy, the film is that gorgeous. I have watched this one at least 5 times and I like it more with each viewing. The pacing is great and while I believe it is one of, if not, the longest time wise, this flick books. It’s fast paced without making me feel like an amusement park ride. I.E. A lot of build up, 2 minutes of fun and thrills and it’s on to the next line. ~coughQuantumofSolacecough~  Now while I can’t speak for the pre-’90’s, I think I am safe in saying this film caught THE most shit before it’s release, with entire websites devoted to bashing Daniel Craig, to dozens of false reports and rumors of turmoil on the set. It’s cool to see a film come back from all the negative hype to smear the nay-sayers’ noses in their own carpet-dookie. A modern classic. And as always, Fuck Jason Bourne, THIS is how you make a spy movie.

~RANTBO will return in (a review of) QUANTUM OF SUCKAS…erHmm SOLACE~

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Well, Bond is back and what can I say?  Craig delivers the goods as everybody’s favorite super agent, 007.  The film is quite watchable, but maybe not the best of the bunch.

DIRECTION

For much of the film, the direction is great.  Marc Forster really knows how to make a great-looking piece of cinema, giving everything a sheen that you could mistake for a car commercial… in fact, with some of the product placement it almost becomes a car commercial.  What Forster really excels at is allowing the actors brief moments between action scenes to actually emote and develop the story.

Unfortunately, Forster’s action direction leaves much to be desired… or perhaps something was just lost in the editing room.  By bringing in the editor from The Bourne Supremacy, Richard Pearson, it was inevitable that action scenes would become jumbled, shaken, and ultimately almost unwatchable.  Almost any sense of scene geography, momentum, and purpose is driven from any action scene.  Let’s talk about that…

ACTION

The opening scene, a frantic car-chase, quickly tells the audience how the rest of the film’s action will be staged.  With what seemed like no wide angles or establishing shots, we are left to piece together what exactly is going on.  This would be much easier if each shot didn’t last less than a second.  There is literally one or two cuts every second.  Instead of allowing the audience to sit back and enjoy the film, we are then left to wait until these scenes end and hope that there will be some evidence as to what exactly we just saw.

A chase scene through a tunnel and then through a crowd, and finally on ropes leaves us wondering whether or not Quantum is going to continue in the “griity” and “realistic” tradition of Casino Royale, let alone ever allow us to enjoy the action in an action film.  And speaking of the Bourne films, be prepared for a hand-to-hand fight scene that, while possibly being better done than what we’ve seen in those films, might just be utter cinematic plagierism.  Which brings me to the…

STORY

I enjoyed much of the story in QOS, but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t a plot cannibalising much of what’s been done before in the series.  Bond seems intent on seeking revenge south of the border to such an extent that it blatently mirrors much of Licence To Kill, including a scene where 007 must evade fellow British agents, led by M (here, played again by Judi Dench).  Bond hooks up with new Bondgirl, Olga Kurylenko, a character seemingly a clone of the Melina Havelock character from For Yours Only.  She, like Bond, is also seeking revenge.  But like the Melina Havelock character, Olga’s Camille is seeking revenge on a Bond villain who murdered her parents.

DANIEL CRAIG

Craig, once again, brings his A-game to this one, filling the role with a Dalton-esque intensity.  He really pushes the envelope and it pays off.  There are plenty of scenes with Craig doing little and saying little, using his eyes and ever-slight body language to tell us how Bond feels; and James Bond is hurting inside.  Here lies a tortured soul, but also a fierce and determined one.  His body and training the shell, this new Bond is truly a force to be reckoned with.

CONCLUSION

Sure, I may not have liked the score a whole lot (the main theme was marginally better this time around), and the action scenes were terribly done, but this is Bond.  Better than that, this is Craig’s Bond, and he’s doing a great job with the role.  Craig, like Connery, saves the whole thing from tanking, which I think is commendable.  Bond has become Bond, and now we can move on in the series.  I can hardly wait.

6 outta 10

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In case you haven’t heard, Sylvester Stallone is making an epic ensemble piece called The Expendables.  The plot is similar to McBain, where a group of mercenaries go into some South American country and overflow its dictator.

The good news is that Sly himself is starring, alongside Jason Statham, Jet Li, and possibly Forest Whitaker.  The bad news is that Stallone said that the film “won’t be a blood fest.”  This seems to point in the painful direction of a possible PG-13 rating.

Come on, Sly!  The cast alone merits an R-rating.  While I’m sure that you, of all people, could push that rating to its fullest potential, why waste such a glorious plot and cast on a family-friendly film when you could push it to the limit?

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Death Wish 2 (1982)

Starring Charles Bronson

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Bronson kills 10 people.

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Death Wish 2 rights held by MGM.

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Filed under: Kill Counts

*MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD*

Let me start, like so many others have, by saying: I was a fan of the first MP game (I never played Part II, because by that time, GTA III had arrived and I was lost in the mayhem.) After all the hype and craziness of THE MATRIX, it was super fun to finally be able to blast legions of mindless street scum and corporate mob goons in glorious slow-mo. I bring up THE MATRIX, because to me, at that time, John Woo was just that guy that made FACE/OFF. A bad ass flick, but it didn’t blow my mind like his earlier work did when I watched it years later. So, to me, THE MATRIX was the Fuckin’ Shit and for some dumb-ass reason, they didn’t make a game when the iron was hot. But then there was Max. Ah, Max. I spent a good amount of hours blasting the shit out of countless drones, somewhere in my mind pretending  I was The One. But, I digress. This rant is not about the game, MAX PAYNE. It is about the appropriately titled flick of the same name. I say this, however un-cleverly, because the ‘film’ was an uphill battle in futility. (By the way, it lost… hardcore)

OK, lets get this shit-ball a’rolling downhill. The film starts out like a black and grey shaded opening of THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM. We see Max sinking in an icy river, about to sleep with, amongst other things, my hopes of this being a good movie. Will he get out?! Well, looks like we’ll have to wait and see! FlashBacK AttacK!

“One Week Earlier”
(A good frame of time, cuz’ that’s how long it felt sitting in the theater waiting for this to play out)

We are only a couple minutes into the flick and the cool film-noir voiceover that opened the movie is gone for good , leaving us to the horror that is the MAX PAYNE screenplay. ~Shiver~. It is just soo fuckin’ bad. Here is a taste of what I mean: They introduce non-drowning Max with the ‘New Guy on The Force’ getting the tour.

New Guy asks, “Hey, how about we go out for a beer after work?”, Max says “ … “. New Guy asks his tour guide, “What’s that guys story?” Tour Guy says “Don’t Ask… His wife and Kid were killed and the guy who did it was never caught.”

That is almost a verbatim transcript of the dialogue here. “Don’t Ask… His wife and Kid were killed and the guy who did it was never caught.” Jesus, they might as well have had these roles played by Chester Cheetah and Chucky Cheese. It ain’t easy being cheesy! Not for the audience anyways. So, just like the game, Max has a chip on his shoulder about the death of his hot meal cooker and future lawn-mower, only in this movie version, he hasn’t moved on to the DEA to take on the Mob. Nope. Like a C-List TV actor, Maxy Max is workin’ the cold case department. RIVITING! Lets watch him work.

So, Max heads to the shady underbelly of New York that is the tram station and a high-rise coke party, all with out really doing anything. He throws a punch at the station, but who gives a shit. It is at his snitch’s party that he meets a scary looking tattooed guy and the druggie skank from the HITMAN video game movie, Olga Kurylenko, who is playing… a… druggie skank… yeah, named Natasha Sax. Only difference is that this time her random tattoo is on her arm and the drugs she takes cause random lame-ass CG Angles to fly out of the shadows and into the camera effectively blocking any sort of violence or mayhem they may or may not be causing.  Oh yeah, she is also the sister of Mona Sax, played by the annoying girl from THAT ‘70‘S SHOW. You know the one.

Max meets her at the party too, just before escorting her club-slut sister to his home. Here is the sad part, I think we are supposed to believe that Mila Kunis is an uber Bad-Ass. Problem is, it is not only hard to believe that the voice of Meg Griffin is intimidating or cool, but it is also unintentionally funny, to a painful degree. Look, I got nothing against Miss Kunis, but she is NOT a Bad-Ass. She needs to stick to her strengths, which are largely just standing around and looking pretty. That is her talent, nothing more, maybe a little less. And this is not something to be ashamed off, shit A LOT of people, myself included, couldn’t pull this off. So for Fucks Sake, DON’T give her speaking roles in your film if you want them to be taken seriously!

Enough Kunis-Bashing… for now, and back to her dumb-ass sibling. You ever notice how every other hot “Russian” chick in HollyWoodLand is named Natasha and every other Russian guy is named Nicholai? Weird, huh? …Anyways, so Max takes NA-TA-SHA home to his ill-maintained loft after noticing a tattoo of a wing on her hand. It is important to mention that he notices it as he later somehow manages to NOT piece it together with his wife’s case. Natasha makes some comments that make Max mad and this combined with an unspoken rational fear of contracting copious amounts of STD’s, have Max kicking the bitch to the curb. It is an alley away from this proverbial curb that the spooky looking tattooed meathead from the party spots her and some CG angels fly at the screen leaving us to believe that Natasha is either dead or around the corner getting an espresso and laughing off the silly special effects. I don’t know, ‘cuz the fucking shadows flew into the God Damned camera! Guess we’ll find out later.

Next Day. Hey! My assumption was correct, the bitch done died. Guess who’s wallet was found at the scene of the justice. (Note: I switched the end of the phrase around to say ‘justice’ instead of ‘crime’, just throwing that one out there in case someone missed how glad I am that her character won’t be back to plague me any longer. Thank you.) Max is told about this incident by his ex-partner, Alex, whom Max now hates for never solving his wife’s murder. My question is, what was Max doing? You know what they say, every time you point a finger Maxy!…

A little while later, Alex is going over the pictures of Natasha’s corpse when, OMG! She has the same tattoo as one of the guys that killed Max’s wife! So, in an act to get back on Max’s good side, Alex books over to Max’s house to deliver the good news. Too bad he too gets killed and Max arrives just in time to get his stupid ass kicked and sent to the hospital. Not that this is an action scene. No, no. There are three or four super quick blurry shoots of Max hitting various walls as the screen flashes red instead of showing us who or what it doing the kicking. Just Like In The Game! Remember?…

At the hospital we meet another new character named B.B. He works security at Max’s spouse’s ex-place of business, some perfume corporation. Hmm… I wonder how THAT ties in?

After the funeral, Max meets ANOTHER new character, he works for internal affairs or some boring unnecessary shit,  played by Ludacris. His performance mirrors his name. Max seems pissed at this new character and so am I, luckily he decided to go find out about what it was Alex wanted to tell him. He finds it in his ex-partner’s desk. It appears that Alex had found out that the tattoo on Skank’s arm matches one of the perps that killed his wife! Finally! The Two Cases Are Connected!… But wait, um… wouldn’t Max have like figured out this shit like, oh I don’t know? WHEN THE GIRL WITH THE SAME TATTOO AS ONE OF HIS WIFE’S KILLERS WAS FUCKING KILLED!? You’d think so, but Max finds this news to be a big breakthrough. Remember when I mentioned that Max brought Natasha back to his house BECAUSE he saw her Tattoo? Yeah well, even though he identifies her by the SAME tattoo again the next day, he must have forgotten about it shortly afterward, because I refuse to believe that Max somehow didn’t remember the tattoo on his wife’s killer’s arm. Why he could not link these two himself, I don’t fucking know.

At this point, I am gone man. Between the bad dialogue, stupid CG, altered storylines, plot holes, poor acting and lack of anything I’d define as violence or action… I officially have stopped giving a shit. So, for your benefit and mine, I will be zipping past the next little bit. Deep Breath:

Max has no idea what to do for his next move, so he decides to look through his wife’s old things and comes across some empty folders with her job’s logo on it and decides to get her supervisor’s name from B.B.. He does and proceeds to find the guy and kick his ass. Max does this at the corporation’s building, and the staff hearing the scuffle, B.B. gets called and sends up his guys, who stop the incident by intentionally killing corporate-douche just after he agrees to tell Max the whole conspiracy.

At this point we are over an hour into the picture and are treated with this landmark point in tolerance by receiving the film’s first action scene. This is the scene that they planed out and strategically placed to quell the non-believers, silence the fan boys and finally deliver the goods. In the scene, Max runs slow-mo in a straight line across the office space, firing his gun over his head as the security force unleash a vendetta against glass pane windows.  The result? Max tags 3 guards, all wearing full S.W.A.T. Kevlar, leaving me to assume they all survived, especially since 2 of them where only hit in extremities. Then, Get This!, Max shoots through a door. EnnnnD SceeN! The whole ordeal lasts about 30 seconds longer than what was shown in the trailer. Wow! Fuck the game, this action is the shit!

I wanted to walk out at this point, but a friend of mine paid for the ticket and I figured it would be too rude to jet on his dime. God Dammit.

Max at least managed to get a couple facts from corporate-douche, whom I failed to mention was played by master thespian, Chris O’Donnell. Glad to see he can still get work. We find out from a video the Boy Wonder had, that Max’s wife was working on a government contract to make a ‘super solider serum’ called Valkyr, that was supposed to make them all like Captain America. Turns out, this only worked on 1% of the people it was tested on and the rest were turned into hallucinating jerk-offs. Also on the video is a testimonial from Tattooed Guy saying how the drug kicks ass.

So, Max has his killer. With a little aid from Miss Sax, Max finds the hideout for Tattoo Guy and goes to town.  Max busts into the club/Valkyr Processing Plant and proceeds to kill all FIVE of the henchmen! Yeah! We ain’t fuckin’ around no mo kids! Every time a guy is shot he flies backward as though he were on a pull-cable. Probably because, HE WERE ON A PULL CABLE. But whatever, this is part of the 2 or so minutes of actually fun footage in the entire flick. That is until henchman #5.

For this final kill-shot, the filmmakers decided to use a new form of slow-mo, called: SUPER SUPER SLOW-MO! I’m guessing here, I don’t know what the Hell they call it, but that’s what it is. During this laughable-ass scene, Max jumps backward with his shotgun to kill a would-be sniper on a catwalk above him. Thing is, the guy on the catwalk is packing a large sniper assault riffle and has Max dead in his scope-powered sights. The first bullet fired by the henchman misses Max by a hair, but then it gets fucking dumb. He fires 2 more shots, one right after the other and not only does he miss Max, (who has moved, due to the slow-mo, a millimeter) by a fucking HUGE margin. The bullets hit some table 3 or 4 feet from where Max is suspended in animation. I don’t get it? Maybe I’m not supposed to?

Well now, after that insane bloodbath of 5 guys on pulley systems, I can’t wait to see his fight Tattoo Guy. In the next room he gets his shot. As Max is surveying the room, a disgustingly sweaty Tattoo Guy drops from the rafters and beats up Max for about a minute. All looks bleak for Mr. Payne as Tattoo Guy overly elaborates his death blow and gets shot dead from the shadows by, MONA?, LUDACRIS?… THE CG ANGELS?… NO. IT’S B.B.! Yay, Max is saved! WRONG.

On the way out, Max is K.O.’D by B.B.’s lead lackey. WwwwwWait!? What the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks is goings on here? If you are a complete moron as the filmmakers have been hoping, you did not see this coming. Though, if you happen to be one of those lucky people who have average perception  skills and moderate intelligence, you, like me, are pinching the bridge of your nose and shaking your head in disbelief as they spend the next 5 minutes delivering their evil villain monologue.

Turns out, B.B. wanted to sell the Valkyr drug on the streets and Max’s wife found out… she just didn’t get around to telling anyone? OK, whatever. So, B.B. was the guy that got away. Now comes the clever frame-job. B.B. places a couple vials of the drug on Max who manages to break away from being thrown in the film’s opening river, by…. jumping in the river. The film has come full circle.

Back to Max as he sinks like my respect for Mark Walberg. What O’ What could make Max want to fight again? How about his dead loved ones appearing to tell him to not give up? That’s not cliché at all! So, Maxy swims to shore and in an effort to not freeze to death, takes the Valkyr from his pocket and dies in a hallucinogenic horror. NO! Turns out he is one of the 1% who transform into Super Soldiers! Who’d-A-Thunk it? Meanwhile, Ludicrous (remember him?) does something that actually moves the plot along and calls the FBI on B.B. Why you may ask, I’m not sure, I might have nodded out at some point.

B.B. and his goons make for their escape when… CLICK CLICK BOOM! Max shows up and kills what I think was 6 guys in rapid fire quick cuts making them fly backward as if in a high-powered wind tunnel. B.B. and main Lackey beat feet to the roof in an attempt to catch a helicopter ride to salvation.

Max follows suit and blasts 5 or 6 more guys, which would have been awesome if not for his dumb-ass angel hallucinations causing the scenery to burst into CG flame every other minute. Somehow slipping past the FBI, Mona shows up just in time to save Max from the non-existent angels, and tell him ‘You NEED to finish this.’ Before handing him a gun to replace the one he dropped 2 feet from where he sits on the verge of tears.

This all culminates a minute later on the helipad as Max confronts B.B., whose final words are something about getting to see the sun melt away the snow or something . Which brings me to something else that pissed me off. I have never been to New York, nor studied it’s weather patterns, but I was confused as all Hell during this flick. The movie takes place over  the course of a week and judging from the decorations of several scenes, it is near Christmas. My problem is that in one scene there is 3 feet of snow on the ground and in the next there is none and a tropical rain is occurring, then another scene jump and the snow is back, then ANOTHER scene and it’s back to the rain with no snow… What the fuck is going on?  Did half the week take place in the spring and the other in winter? Is there a fucking rip the space time continuum or are the filmmakers just hopelessly unconcerned with continuity?

Anyways, one cold stare and a trigger squeeze later, B.B. is down in the massive PG-13 gore-fest of a bullet hole through his jacket. He dies bleeding chocolate syrup as the Feds arrive to take Max away. The End. I guess there is a scene after the credits of Max and Mona hinting at going after B.B.’s boss or something, but fuck it, I couldn’t wait to get out. This movie was pure dog-shit and only succeeded in giving me about 3 minutes of “That-Was-Cool”, less kills than what you perform in the opening 2 minutes of the game and a handful of unintentionally funny moments.  Fuck This Movie and Thanks For Reading.

~RANTBO OUT

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